2008 - real eyes

ok it s been a while i posted a blog

funny what i just real i sed: when i speak self forgiveness or am speaking to myself, i tend to look to the right, which is the system-structure side.
i tried looking to the left: the experience of me completely changed

when i look to the right, i am 'clear in my mind', meaning that i am thinking and considering what to say. when i look to the left, which is self expression, there is nothing.

i tend to not look to the left, because i dont trust the 'nothing ness', the spontaneous, unconditional, here-expression of me.

when looking in my eyes: the right eye is strong, straight.
the left is 'vacant', kind of weak.
interesting.

i ve been 'working' on the 'comparing' my expression
--> i just real i sed that all of my behaviour, every little thing i do and say, is copied behaveour, to the extreme.
i know all behaveour is copied, from everyone, no behaveour in this world is unique.

i m always looking for 'unique' behaviour, i want to be 'unique', i want to be noticed and recognised.
so: my behaviour has always been stuff that i copied from what i saw on tv, what i saw actors do

-->why? because actors and actresses get the most attention and recognition, they are admired by other beings
so obviously i figured: i will be special and unique and noticed and recognised when i act and behave like them

yet: i am sooo fixated on this 'wanting to show my unique and cool expression' that i feel so much fear of 'rejection/disapproval' from others, that in the end i stay quiet and expressionless.
lol, when on the inside there is this big desire for expressing myself building up ready to explode!

my expression:- how i sometimes tend to talk to myself, humourously, making jokes, really insightful and cool jokes. i then 'feel good' about myself because i am 'oh so insightful and smart and funny', but : 'oh shit there s no one around to see/recognise it'.
- my singing: i have a nice voice, i ve really trained myself into copying other peoples voices and mannerisms, so i like to sing disney songs like 'ariel' and 'pocahontas' because they are the 'stereotype woman' that i want to be, they are the 'desireable women', and when i sing like them, i feel as though i am them, i feel recognised, i feel noticed, i can think 'wauw, i m so cool, i have this voice like theirs, i must be like them'
-really interesting: i caught myself on the train, when i was sitting in front of this boy, a 'special boy', a slightly autistic yet handsome boy, so: special. i decided to draw: i had colour-in pictures with me and my pencils. as i was drawing i was looking at myself thru his eyes and i noticed how i had this desire in me to 'be special and unique', to surprise him, to make him wonder about who i am. i felt that desire in me that i had allowed myself to become all my life: i was like 'yuk, get out of me!'. i remember me having behaved in pretty weird ways just to MANIPULATE boys into noticing me and thinking and believing that i am special and unique.
-i always wanted to have a 'special style', a unique and special appearance. so other people would actually believe that i have 'depth', that 'there is more to me than meets the eye'. by 'people', i mean mostly boys. wanted boys to think i am unique and to be interested in me, i wanted to show them that i am 'better than' other girls, different. i guess that that has to do with my dad having compared me with others a lot.
i want to show him now that i am a unique being, uncomparable, lol, when i can only be 'unique' when compared to others.
-i want to have a feminine expression only for the sake of attracting men into wanting a relationship with me. it is interesting how this works in me: i have denied and suppressed my female expression, as flow, as creation, as self because i judged it as 'weak' (because of an event in the past). in this, taking away my expression, which is my REAL foundation, i actually MADE myself WEAK. then i search even more extensively for recognition of my femininity from a man/boy because i will not recognise it in myself as who i am. so what i ve done here is: i WANT and DESIRE to look feminine, so i realised that, when i look at other women, i look at them from desire 'i WANT what they have, i WANT their body', because when i look feminine, like other girls, i will get a mans attention, which is all i really want.
simple solution: accepting myself as who i am, as SELF EXPRESSION. just me. no more comparing pictures.

it is funny: i have BECOME the manifestation of a television! only pictures, only outside expression 'how does it look? how does it appear to be?'

-today i noticed another thing: i wore heals, shoes with high heals 'lady shoes'(as my mom refers to it). i was enjoying it at first, yet after a while i noticed that i was starting to feel 'guilty, bad, and 'wrong'', because of the femininity that high-healed shoes imply, i was feeling guilty for feeling and expressing femininity. i started to actually feel abused and weak. simply because my hips were 'swaying' from left to right and because i wore those heals (which implies weakness, as i was not exactly stable on them). so basically, i m quite the paradox: on one hand i WANT and DESIRE to be feminine, yet, within that i am actually pushing it away from me by not accepting it in me and by judging it (as weak and bad and wrong).
i experience that kind of femininity ( the behaviour) as MANIPULATIVE and it is that that i feel guilty about: actually feeling in the 'swaying' of my hips, how they move like a snake, hypnotising, manipulating and captivating the gaze of a man. the practical act of attracting a man. that s interesting

see: how i try to attract men, is very subtle, not using any sort of feminine behaviour or obvious behaviour. so i dont have to feel guilty about it, because i am doing it 'without me being aware of it', as if i dont know what i am doing, when in fact i know it quite well. that, even though it might not seem that way, all my movements are specific to try to get men to notice me as 'special, unique, interesting'.

now why do i feel that guilt in expressing femininity?
i suppose because i only use and abuse femininity for the sole purpose of attracting a man, so if i would actually take on the whole 'female behaviour', i would be confronted with my own weakness as DESIRE for a man (relationship with a man), because 'behaving like a female' would imply that 'i need a male to complete me'. yet, when i dont act like a 'female', i can still feel strong, because of how other people would see me (a strong, self confident, 'neutral', stable being)and i can hide my 'weakness' as the DESIRE for relationship with a man from myself under the layer of 'i appear to be strong', because it is the outside image and projection of 'a female' that i have defined as 'weak'.

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to hide my desire for a relationship with a man from myself by pretending as if 'i dont need or want or desire that' in my non-feminine behaviour

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that 'acting feminine' makes me weak, instead of realising that it is DESIRE behind it that i have allowed within myself that causes weakness within myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not want to face that desire within myself because that would mean actually realising and seeing who i ve allowed myself to become, as a weak being, controlled by DESIRE

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to fear seeing and realising the magnitude of the DESIRE for relationship with a man that i ve allowed within myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to hide behind my behaviour, as 'non-feminine', 'not attractive', so i can think and believe that i am a 'good person', someone who does not experience desire

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to manipulate myself and others by pretending to be the opposite of who i have actually allowed myself to become

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to use and abuse my feminine expression, only for the purpose of attracting men, to have a relationship with

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to feel guilty about manipulating men

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want to hide my guilt, to not want to be faced with the guilt, and therefore search for ways where i can keep on manipulating yet i can lie to myself and pretend that i am not doing it

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to lie to myself about what i am actually allowing myself to do and be

i forgive myself for allowing myself to not want to face myself 'underneith' all the lies and pretending

i forgive myself for allowing myself to regret having allowed myself to DESIRE relationship with men and therefore manipulate them into noticing me by pretending to be someone i am not

i forgive myself for allowign myself to desire recognition from others, so i can feel good about myself, so i dont have to be faced entirely with who i have allowed myself to become

i forgive myself for allowing myself to suppress myself as femininity as flow as creation as self expression and then want and desire from men that they 'fill up' that 'missing part' in me by giving me attention and recognition for my femininity
instead of me accepting myself within and as self expression

i forgive myself for allowing myself to open myself to abuse from men by suppressing my strength and self support as feminine expression
and then believing that men dominate me, because i go search for support from them

i forgive myself for not allowing myself to give myself support within expressing myself in and as self honesty in the moment

i forgive myself for not allowing myself to accept myself as self expression as femininity as flow as breath

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to separate myself from other girls by comparing my appearance with theirs
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to desire looking like other girls and women

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to on one hand desire looking feminine and on the other hand push it far away from me, because i feel guilt of using femininity only to attract men, because i dont see femininity in myself as self expression

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that femininity has a certain way, a form or a standard, that i have to be a certain way as a woman

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to look at other girls within comparing myself and to want their expression, because i do not accept me as self expression

i forgive myself for allowing myself to use my body only for the purpose of being attractive for men

for the only reason of satisfying my desire for relationship

i forgive myself for allowing myself to be controlled and directed by desire for recognition

i forgive myself for allowing myself to be controlled and directed by desire for relationships

i forgive myself for allowing myself to judge myself because of the desire

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that desire is 'bad, and wrong'

i forgive myself for allowing myself to suppress and hide desire under the lie and the belief that i am a good, pure, neutral being

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to suppress my expression as spontaneousness, flow, creativity, moment, feminine because of judging it as 'weak' and 'bad and wrong'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge the movements that i make

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not want to make 'feminine/female' movements

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want to pretend as though i do not feel desire or attraction towards a man/boy

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to let my strength be dependent on how boys/men see me, on them recognising me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge feminine expression as weak

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge 'swaying' of the hips with a female when she walks as 'weak' and 'bad' when i do it

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to behave and move myself only to capture the attention from boys/men, for the only purpose of having a relationship with them

i forgive myself for allowing myself to separate boys/men from myself by wanting them to give me the support and recognition that i have not allowed myself to give to myself

i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel regret and shame about the things i have done from the startingpoint of DESIRE

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to place all my trust in my appearance, in the pictures in this world, to believe that 'if i look strong, i must be strong'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to need a mans recognition to 'back up ' that illusion of strength that i ve allowed myself to use to define myself as

i forgive myself for allowing myself to define myself according to how and what a man says or thinks about me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that another being can make me stronger or give me recognition, i must realise myself as strength and self recognition