2008 - jealousy

i was reading darryls blog and jealousy came up, and regret that i was never able, i never allowed myself to actually communicate with beings from the starting point of just being me: i have always been consumed with self judgement and the idea that i cannot do anyting etc

i think then: 'i want their life', i want what they have, i want to be able to do that, and then i fear 'not being able to stand up'.
so i hope that i 'will' stand up instead of standing up HERE and realising that it is my decision, i create myself in every moment.

i have this feeling that there exist a possibility that i might fall, and not stand up, that i will never really get to a point of absolute self trust and self acceptance. especially towards other beings, i have a 'hard time', actually voicing myself around other beings, actually spontaneously opening my mouth and speaking.

i fear 'not having anything to say', i fear other beings seeing that i am confused and 'dont really know what i am doing', so i want to always make sure that what i am about to say will be 'perfect', that i know exactly what to say and how. i fear spontaneouss expression of me in the moment: fear failing. i somehow fear my grandfather in that, his anger towards me, his expectations.

he is a very direct man, he expects things from his children and grandchildren, he wants things a certain way, and when that doesnt happen he gets angry at the beings for not living up to those expectations. for not doing 'what they must/what is right'.
so i reacted towards this man in fear of his anger, of him stating that 'i must speak up' 'i must do this, do that', him saying that my expression isnt good enough, i must adapt more to 'social rules/behaviour'
i actually believed him in this, and i wanted to make sure that i always had something to say when he 'placed me on the spot' by asking me a question, because i didnt want him to get angry or react towards my 'doubtfullness' and perceived insecurity about things, about what i will do or say. i wanted to show him that i am 'certain' about what i say when i say it.

wanting to show strength and confidence, when actually i felt really insecure.
so i have this now where i freeze up when i know i must speak up and stand up and say something, i fear being 'on the spot', i fear beings possibly seeing my insecurity when i say something.

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to feel jealous towards darryl because of how he seems to be able to just be himself in communication with other beings
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to feel jealous because i do not allow myself to accept my own expression
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that i am less because i never allowed myself to express myself in any way what so ever, i never allowed myself to simply speak and move myself, because i was so cought up in self judgement and fear of what other beings might think of me and expectations of myself which made it impossible for me to just be myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that i am in fact unable to speak because i have never really allowed myself to express myself in that way, i ve always conformed to what i thought people wanted to hear to please them
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to make and create expectations of myself based on what i see other people do, to want to be like them because i believe and perceive that to be 'better'
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that i will never be able to just express myself, to think that i am too enslaved, too emprisonned within my mind as limitations and suppressions to stand up and speak and express within and as self trust and self responsability
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to react in fear when my grandpa got angry at me for not expressing myself according to his expectations about me
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to therefore believe that i must always make sure that i do what others expect of me
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to for ever more fear other beings being angry with me for not expressing myself according to their expectations towards me, because i have at a certain point allowed myself to fear that reaction of anger, and i then actually allowed myself to believe that i HAVE to do what i think another wants me to do, that i HAVE to please another in what they want from me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to actually live in a constant fear of 'not doing the right thing' 'not doing what another wants/expects of me', a constant fear of that possible reaction of anger within them

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to give my power away to my grandfather, to the reaction of anger within him, because i had allowed myself to respect my parents and my family, because i had allowed myself to become depended on my family for supporting me. i had expected them to support me, so i then believed that i must live up to their expectations of me. give and take

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to really truly believe that i cannot just be me, but that there are rules as expectations of other beings that i must follow

i forgive myself for allowing myself to actually constantly be 'consciouss' of those possible expectations of other beings, to live in that constant separation, as if they really exist as something bigger than me, something i must obey

i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear not surviving if i do not live up to the expectations of other beings about me, to fear not being able to support myself if those beings were to reject me for my expression

i forgive myself for allowing myself to consider that fear within me, the fear of 'oh no i have to make sure that i give them what they want, i have to make sure that i do not screw up, to not get them angry at me'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to place all my trust and support into my family, and have expectations towards them for loving me and taking care of me, and therefore i enslaved myself within wanting to please them in their expectations of me so they would please me in mine

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to conform to an image of me that pleases other beings, where i can think that i am 'ok' and 'allright' because they like my expression

i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear someone suddenly reacting towards my expression and me not being 'ready' for it, i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear 'freezing up', to fear feeling 'shocked' as how i felt when my grandpa reacted in anger towards my expression

i forgive myself for allowing myself to suppress my expression and limit myself and exist in constant fear and anxiety around other beings so i can have the illusion that i am 'alert' and 'ready' for when someone might react to my expression

i forgive myself for allowing myself to prepare myself to possible fear with already feeling fear all the time, so i cannot be 'shocked' with fear

i forgive myself for allowing myself to create expectations for myself with regards to my job, to want to perform, and do it 'right' so my boss will be pleased with me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that if other beings would be angry with me, that means i did something wrong

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to seem towards other beings as a 'good person' someone they can be content about

i forgive myself for allowing myself to constantly and continuously look at myself thru the eyes as judgements of other beings, so i can constantly 'be consciouss' of what i am doing right or what i am doing wrong for them

where they are pleased with me and where they are displeased with me

i forgive myself for having allowed the system structure side of me to dominate myself as self expression by separating 'the system' as 'other beings' from myself and by fearing it

by believing that me as self expression is too little and too insignificant to express myself and to be myself ALONE

i forgive myself for allowing myself to create relationships with other beings as the system and expect them to support me because i ve allowed myself to believe that the system dominates me and that i cannot trust myself because i am apparantly too little weak and insignificant compared to the system, so i must therefore place all my trust in the system and try to please the system so it will want to support me

i forgive myself for allowing myself to not realise that self expression is oneness and equality, meaning that i am one and equal to the system as other beings, there is no separation, i am both the system structure side as right side aswell as the self expression as flow as creation that is the left side
i am both left and right

i forgive myself for allowing myself to have 'left' my expression to be 'right' as a system in the system...lol
interesting

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that the system is always right lol

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that i must leave my expression and dedicate myself to the system as 'being right'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to, within that, constantly seek for approval from others as 'the system', to get others to see i am 'right' because i have 'left' my appreciation, acceptance, self love by denying my expression in order to be 'right' in and as the system

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to even consider believing that there exist 'other people' as in 'separate from me', while not realising that those 'other people' exist all within me, within this mind where they are apparantly separate pictures from me, yet they are still HERE within and as me

so i am creating it all

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to separate myself from 'the future', making it 'bigger than life, bigger than me here', by expecting and believing that i will be different in the future, that i will feel different, which is a clear self dishonest statement

i forgive myself for not allowing myself to take responsability for my creation as the system, by believing it to 'exist' outside of me, as images in my mind and emotional and feeling reactions within my belly and solar plexus

so in this i forgive myself for having allowed myself to be ignorant to my own experience, when i clearly see that it is all HERE, everything is a mere physical reaction, to pictures that my human physical eyes see, and even that=HERE
i see, i react i am here

i forgive myself for not allowing myself to take full response ability for my reactions within the realisation that i am reacting to what is HERE, which is me and nothing but me, i am reacting to pictures that i see with my human physical eyes, which i see HERE

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to become blind to the common sense that is HERE, to the simple and PLAIN truth, that all is here, within and as me, that indeed i am creating every little reaction within me, i create this reality

till here and no further:
i do not allow myself to deny the obvious truth as common sense that everything is HERE
there is nothing to fear
there is no future
the future is here
i create it
HERE
there is no past
the past is here
i create it
i do not allow myself to fear 'the system'
the system is here
i am one and equal with the system as my right side
and i do not allow myself to suppress myself as self expression
i am self expression as my left side
i am the moment
i cannot not be HERE
there cannot exist anything outside of HERE
which is me
i embrace all as me HERE in and as the moment
because i realise that this is who i am

i do not allow myself to even consider trusting something 'outside of myself', because that doesnt exist, that is self dishonesty, that is plain and simple denial of the common sensical truth, which is that all is HERE as me,
there can only be SELF trust