2008 - accepting self

ok the reason for why i do and did not accept myself: guilt and shame

guilt and shame about past events where i followed my desire and acted on my desire and did not stop myself, especially towards other beings, and afterwards i felt ashamed about what i did and felt guilty.

first event: with my two best friends at that time, i was at an age between seven and ten...i think.
i was lying in bed with my two best friends at that time, we were lying together, and the middle one started touching us, she asked if she could feel our breasts and nipples, because she was curious, we said 'no', but eventually let her. i enjoyed her touching my nipples, and it seemed innocent, yet because i felt and experienced desire, it wasnt.

afterwards, me and the other one , well me anyways, wanted to pretend as if it never happened, suppression of the experience, immediately after it happened due to me feeling guilty and 'bad' because i felt desire, which made the experience not innocent anymore, not a self expression but a system expression.

my friend (the one who was touching), the younger one, didnt feel bad about it at all, she wanted actually to touch us all the time, she was 'incredibly curious' lol

me and the other one made sort of a joke, we said 'protection activated' while we moved our arms over our breasts like a vault closing, every time the younger one tryed to touch us lol; now that i think about it: she seemed a little obsessed with touching our 'private parts'.

and i tried to avoid the subject of 'touching' and what had happened as much as possible.
i feel like my whole relationship with them from then on was based entirely on suppressing the guilt and regret that i had experienced, all the jokes we made, everything was judgements and definitions, no more self honest expression, but more an expression as searching for recognition, searching for another to accept me because i was not willing to.

the 'self acceptance' subject, which is in other terms: 'realising myself HERE', is something i really dont want to come near because of this shame and guilt and regret that i so deeply experience within myself surrounding self honesty and self expression

perhaps: i feel like i do not deserve to express myself completely within self acceptance because of 'what i had done'. as if i must pay and punish myself for all of eternity within suppressing myself.

thus staying in an eternal search for relationships and recognition and acceptance outside of myself, in others.



i also have this weird memory of which i m not sure if it actually happened or was just a dream, at the very early stages of my life: i was in primary school, maybe first grade. i was lying on a bench with my but bared 'facing' up, this other girl, evelien, standing over me, stuffing hairs (long hairs of her head i suppose) in my but crack, and then pulling them out. the sensation of that seemed to please me and we were enjoying ourselves, yet this is a weird memory because it is situated in school so i dont recall any teachers stopping us, or maybe i suppressed that part.

i also feel 'bad' and ashamed about this memory, because it has to do with 'sexuality', because of the whole but thing, i feel like that was a 'bad' thing of me to do, i almost feel as though i ve abused evelien, sort of making her do that because i enjoyed myself with that.

maybe this is why i never really ask another to do me a favour, or i never really want to do anything other than what 'the other person with me' wants to do, because i feel as though i am abusing that being, making them do something they dont really want to for my pleasure.

maybe thats why, when i was playing with other kids, i especially remember when i was playing with my niece, that all we were doing the whole time was:

me: 'what do you want to do?'
her: 'i dont know. what do you want to do?'
me: 'i dont know. what do you want to do?'
her: 'i dont know. what do you want to do?'
etc...

never suggesting anything myself out of fear that we will be doing something that she wont enjoy. feeling guilty about 'doing what i WANT to do', as in following my DESIRE for doing something.


so i wonder where my tourettes comes in here: the suppression of my expression

i d say that the event with my two friends at the age around eight might have triggered it, although i think i can recall me having the 'tics', all the different nervous twiches, all of the facial 'spasms', things that are quite specific for a person with tourettes, occurring before that time aswell.

i feel like asking my friends about when we had that experience and asking my parents whether they can recall when the tics started happening, to see if i 'get a match', but i m kindof afraid about bringing up the experience, because they probably wont want to be confronted with that anymore (because 'what happened in the past, stays in the past').

well, i guess i am afraid of 'losing the relationship', that we have now as 'grown ups', where we are apparantly different from when we were kids, more 'evolved', 'better'. where we dont want to be confronted with the time when we were 'lesser', unless it is an event where we can say 'aww, that was so cute/cool of me' and feel good about ourselves now.



what is interesting about the 'not accepting myself', is that i see this now, now that i have to take care of myself practically: getting a job, place to live, doing practical stuff by myself. i really dont want to do that because: why would i want to take care of a being that i dont even accept. i fear change because i would be alone, i would have to take care of stuff all by myself, i would HAVE to trust myself.

i have always been 'living' in mary wonderland in my mind, where i would imagine me as a definition, just a definition that is recognised and accepted by other beings, thats all i 'lived' for: that feeling of 'i am a good person, i am accepted, i am recognised and noticed'. i never did anything practical, because practicality means being HERE, and being HERE, means being with myself, alone.

so:
i forgive myself for allowing myself to experience regret because i followed my desires in the past, and in that regret, i have suppressed myself entirely, punishing myself to never again express myself

i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel bad about having allowed myself to have experienced desire when kristien was touching my nipples, because i was not allowing her or me to express ourselves within and as intimacy: i kept this desire hidden, secret. thus feeling guilty about it

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to hide my desires, and to not want to talk about them, to not want to be open and honest about my experiences

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want to keep the desire within myself and therefore not be open and honest about it

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to feel like a really bad person because i felt desire when kristien was touching my nipples, because in that feeling desire, i was actually not seeing kristien as my friend: one and equal with me, but as an object that i use for my pleasure.

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that i must be punished because i felt desire

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that i must forever more be locked away, under layers of judgements and definitions, to never again express myself unconditionally

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to infact, in suppressing this experience within myself by existing in regret, manifest this experience over and over and over again in my life, where i go thru the exact same experience, because i never allowed myself to face myself in that moment, i never allowed myself to be self honest

i forgive myself for allowing myself to keep my desires hidden from others and myself, others as myself, because i ve allowed myself to judge experiencing desire as 'bad', so i actually in that, feed the desire in myself, by not releasing it within self honesty, and so i exist within constant regret and shame and guilt

i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel like a bad person for ever having allowed desire within myself

i forgive myself for allowing myself to exist in and as regret for ever having allowed desire within myself

and now constantly and continuously try to compensate this regret, by trying to accomplish a 'good feeling' in myself, in following my desires, which then again will manifest regret within myself. thus keeping myself in eternal loops of regret.

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to regret having used kristien in the way i did, by experiencing desire towards her touching me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not be honest about my experience towards her, because i immediately judged that desire as 'bad', thus judging myself as a 'bad' person.
and now constantly feeling like a bad person, and constantly trying to compensate this feeling within the search for recognition and acceptance from other beings

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to choose desire over life
to choose self dishonesty and self deception over self honesty as life as who i am

because of the belief that i must experience this regret within, so i 'deserve' to forever more be a mind consciousness system, to forever more abuse myself and others within and as desire

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to bury myself under self judgement and self blame and guilt in order to attempt to suppress the desire i experience within myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge desire as 'bad'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to feel guilty at experiencing desire

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to react to desire with regret and shame and guilt, as an attempt to not have to realise and face the desire that i have allowed within myself


lol by now i m sitting here with a smile on my face as i can really feel the suppression 'soaking off', and a warmth in my pelvic area, as my expression 're emmerging'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to avoid self honesty because i didnt want to be seen as a 'bad person', if other beings would know about what really goes on inside me, and so i kept it hidden, only creating more and more self dishonesty as secrets as desires as thoughts feelings and emotions

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge myself, as to punish myself for feeling desires, for ever having experienced desire

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to exist within and as constant self judgment as self punishment as a constant suppression of myself as self expression because i have allowed myself to judge experiencing desire as 'bad' therefore i was a 'bad person'

i forgive myself for not having allowed myself to realise that by judging a desire, i am separating it from myself, thus i am giving it power over me, by not realising that i am one and equal with desire, and cannot be controlled or overpowered by it

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to separate myself from myself, by existing within constant self judgement, by not wanting to face myself, by suppressing my experiences, by not accepting myself HERE

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to turn myself as my life into hell, by overcomplicating everything, never allowing myself to just be simple, self honestly, HERE

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to punish and suppress myself with tics, physically manifested acts of suppression, every time i experience a desire, within which i actually am feeding the desire, by not simply STOPPING in the moment and realising 'this is not who i am'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to become the complete manifestation of regret, thus of suppression, thus of desire

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not face this regret within myself within self honesty, instead of trying to avoid it and hide from it within following desires, which then only creates more regret

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to participate within the never ending cycle of regret and desire

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that i cannot be honest about the fact that i experieced desire within myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to fear being judged as 'bad' by my friends and other beings, so i judged myself as 'bad' within myself and then punished myself for 'what i did'

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that i do not deserve expressing myself unconditionally, because i have allowed desire to exist within me


i forgive myself for having allowed myself to place desire on all sorts of things, such as food, clothes, sex, relationships, sleeping, etc... all in an attempt to not have to face the regret within myself, all in an attempt to not have to face myself as who i ve allowed myself to become HERE

i forgive myself for not having allowed myself to not realise that desire manifest regret within myself, so by constantly and continuously trying to hide and escape from regret within desire, i am simply adding onto the regret within myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to enslave myself and keep myself enslaved within the belief that i am not worthy of expressing myself because i have allowed desire to exist within myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to actually believe that i must feel guilty and ashamed of myself and of what i have allowed within myself, for ever and ever and ever, that i cannot express myself unconditonally ever again, because i had disgraced life, so now i must pay and suffer

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to disgrace life even more as an act of self hate and self punishment, where in i was actually disgracing and punishing all of life as me, all the beings in this world as me

i forgive myself for not allowing myself to honour life as me, as all life, as all the beings, as all of creation, and to STOP the suffering and the punishment within myself, to STOP the self hate, the self abuse, the self judgement, the self suppression, the guilt, the shame, the regret

i forgive myself for not allowing myself to stand up as ALL LIFE as me HERE, within self acceptance, self expression, self honesty, to no longer allow any systems as desire within myself, to no longer allow self abuse as judgements, suppressions, thoughts feelings and emotions within myself

but to stand: as me as all as one as equal

i forgive myself for allowing myself to, within every thought, every feeling, every emotion, judge myself and punish myself, and confirm the experience of regret within myself, believing me to infact be unable to stand up as me due to all of the extensive acceptances and allowances

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to deem myself unworthy of experiencing love, acceptance, self honesty, flow, gentleness, gracefulness as me and to, whenever i experience myself opening up, pull myself back into self judgement and regret, telling me that i do not deserve to be life

i forgive myself for not having allowed myself to simply STOP: to STOP ALL of me, regret and desire, stopping for good, till here and no further, I STOP