2008 Tensing up

i notice i still 'tense up' when i am around my mother or my family, i sort of 'freeze up', and i am afraid of doing sf when i react, and i start thinking about it: projecting it into the future, with a possible outplay of my mother and family getting upset, because of the things i say that they would take personally.
and them then rejecting me.

so, i notice that i really never had any trust in myself, as ALONE, as directive principle. and so, now, i seem to be really afraid of standing alone, of having the beings in my life turn their backs on me, because i ve allowed myself to exist within and as this relationship with them, sort of expecting them to take care of me and support me and therefore i am actually more constantly considering them and their thoughts than myself and my movements, as who i am HERE.

it is fascinating, when i am around them, like this morning as they were all in the kitchen (my mother, her boyfriend, my brother, his girlfriend), and i was taking something to eat, i really felt 'non-existent', i was more 'in them' than 'in myself', more 'there' than 'here', living from the outside in. and constantly considering their judgement over every move i make, everything i do, would/might do, say, would/might say..

so, what does it mean, to walk ALONE in this world?
it means ALL ONE
it means that there exist no thought or consideration about: 'what will they think of me if i would do this/that? no more considering the existence of 'other humans' because there really are no 'others', all is HERE, and i AM alone
walking in absolute self trust, in the moment, so therefore, there exist no future, because future indicates desire, desire indicates separation, separation is no longer ALONE, when i am no longer alone, it means that i can apparantly 'lose something' so i will then exist in fear of losing that something in the future.
and then i will become a system, considering thoughts and wants needs and desires of other beings, so i would 'get what i want', so i can feel safe.

so, what am i afraid of losing?
relationships

because i have defined myself according to relationships within not accepting myself HERE as alone, i always wanted to be around other beings, i always suppressed my expression because i wanted them to like me. i am terrified of being rejected, mocked, laughed at, ignored, etc..

i have become a slave to other beings, to what they want, so therefore i am really afraid of 'just letting go' of those relationships within giving them what they want in my mind, afraid of no more considering their 'presence' around me, and just moving me, ALONE. it would be like 'letting go' of my very existence, because really: who am i as ALONE?

i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that enjoying myself, means 'other being like me' 'other beings enjoy me'

i forgive myself for allowing myself to not really want to enjoy 'myself' because then i would not get a good feeling anymore, that i get when i think that others like me

i forgive myself for allowing myself to not trust myself in my movements, in what i do, as i have always only moved myself within the consideration of what other beings might think of it

i never moved ME

i forgive myself for allowing myself to, with everything i do, try to achieve that 'good feeling' that i get when i think that others like, appreciate, notice me

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to do what i do FOR OTHERS, so they might benefit, so they might feel good, so they will recognise me for what i do 'for them'

i forgive myself for allowing myself to not trust myself as SELF expression, to fear actually moving ME, without considering what other beings think, because i ve allowed myself to believe that i am too weak to stand alone in and as my expression

i forgive myself for allowing myself to constantly and continuously think about the future, to 'keep me safe', as i do not trust me HERE, i do not trust that i will support myself in every moment of breath, as i have allowed relationships with others to be my foundation on which i stand

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that 'as long as i feel good about what i do, i am doing the right thing', so therefore i only do things in which i can feel recognised by others, and never actually move me as me for me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not want to let go of the 'good feeling'

i forgive myself for allowing myself to not want to let go of the separation that i have allowed myself to create, wherein i believe and perceive me to be 'not alone', so it seems that i dont have to accept myself completely, others will do this for me

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want 'a secure future', as in images within my mind wherein i can see what i will do in the future, because i do not trust or accept myself enought to know that i will stand as me, here, stable, no matter what happens, so i do not trust myself in and as SELF expression, where i do not consider judgements or opinions of others

i forgive myself for allowing myself to still consider the system, to still consider that other beings have opinions and thoughts and judgements about me, because i dont really want to stand alone, i still want other beings to 'be there for me'

i forgive myself for allowing myself to separate myself from what i do or say, by wanting and expecting recognition from other people about it

i forgive myself for allowing myself to not really do what i do as a self expression, but to in a way do it 'for' others, so they would be pleased, so they will give me recognition for it

i forgive myself for allowing myself to not want to do what i do only for me, because i ve allowed myself to not like myself, to not accept myself, to not like being with me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to actually believe that i cannot just walk in this world 'as i see fit', that i cannot just 'not consider other beings opinions of me', because that is not 'the way', it is not right, i am tought by my parents and environment that i have to consider other beings in all that i do

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to trap and enslave myself within creating relationships with the beings in my world, thus giving away my power and self directiveness, and not express myself as myself, because i might 'lose' those beings

i forgive myself for allowing myself to expect and want other beings to 'be there for me', to, in a way, still back me up, and still form my foundation on which i can stand

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that i cannot actually take care of myself in every way, that i do not have 'the abilities' to do what is necessairy to be done

i forgive myself for allowing myself to compare myself with bernard, and to think and believe that i could not do what he did, that i could not 'direct this world as me, that i dont know how to do that, because i have never done that, i have never done anything for and as myself

because i have always placed other beings 'above me', thus i was always searching for their recognition, as a 'pat on the head', so i could feel 'alright'

iforgive myself for having allowed myself to always do what others do, because i never trusted myself as self directiveness, because i believed me to be weak and 'less than', i believed myself to not have 'the ability' to know and see what is necessairy to be done for me as all as one as equal

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to please another in what i do, so i can feel as though 'i am doing the right thing' because another is pleased with what i do, because i get a 'nice feeling' about what i do as i can think that i am recognised by another

i forgive myself to actually not really care about myself HERE, to not really care about the experience of me, therefore not really care about all as one as equal, but only care about getting a good feeling as self interest

i forgive myself for allowing myself to place others above me so i dont have to stand up as me, so i dont absolutely have to accept myself HERE

i forgive myself for allowing myself to sell myself to others, to become in a way 'a prostitute', within that not caring about myself, giving myself away, giving LIFE away so the system as other beings can use and abuse me for their pleasure, so i could 'feel good about myself because another wants me'

because i do not want me, i do not want to actually accept me HERE

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to abuse myself by judging myself thru the eyes of another, by placing myself under them , by believing and perceiving myself to be less, by litterally giving myself away so other beings could take responsability for me, so i dont have to face myself ALONE

i forgive myself for allowing myself to hate myself, to hate being alone with me, and in that believe that other beings are 'better than me', that they are 'perfect' and so i want to be around them and i want them to like and love and want me, so i can atleast feel good about myself as seen thru their 'perfect' eyes

i forgive myself for allowing myself to actually believe that other people are 'better' than me, that who i am is really less than who they are

i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that this entire reality is systems, is an absolute disgrace of LIFE, every being in this world is a system just like me, and all systems are based on self hate, so no one is better or 'more perfect' than me, we are all exactly the same, one and equal in the same shit

so: within this, it is my responsability to stand up as life, it is my responsability to not consider anything or anyone outside of myself

to realise that all is HERE within and as myself and i DO have the ability to stand up in and as breath

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to feel better than other beings, to compensate for 'feeling less and weak', instead of just being myself, constant, stable

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that other beings can give me something i need, within relationship with them

i forgive myself for allowing myself to expect other beings to give me a good feeling about myself

i forgive myself for allowing myself to desire feeling exitement when i am around another being, to desire attention from them, because i have allowed myself to give my power away to the beings around me by not wanting to accept myself HERE

ALONE

i forgive myself for allowing myself to make and create future projections of me, actually entirely based on receiving recognition for what i will/might do in the future, thus entirely based on not doing what i do for and as myself as a SELF expression

i forgive myself for allowing myself to, from the moment that someone pays attention or notices what i do, do it FOR them, for their recognition, and see what i do thru their eyes, so i can feel good about what i do

because this person apparantly has a better view on things, this person is apparantly bigger/greater than me HERE, thus what they think of what i do is apparantly 'right'

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to show beings that i am perfect, just like how i believe them to be, and therefore constantly fear that they might see that i make mistakes, or that they might see that i say and do 'stupid stuff'

i forgive myself for allowing myself to respect other beings within the belief that they are better than me, to respect their opinion about me, not realising that any and all opinions come from the one dimensional perspective of the mind, it will only serve the self interest of that being, so they cannot possibly see who i am and recognise me for who i really am

i forgive myself for allowing myself to actually know this yet still deceive myself by still trying to please them and try to show them that i am 'cool' or 'better than them', thus forcing myself to be someone i am really not, just so i could get a good feeling about myself

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to be unwilling to see other beings for who they truly are, but to want to remain 'blissfully unaware' and actually believe that they are perfect and better than me, for if i would see the truth, i would have to stand up and say: till here and no further!!

2008 - guilt means go

i ve noticed an interesting thing: i was listening to music by enya, and backstreet boys etc. and i reacted with desire, as that music with the clear voices indicates sex to me.
now what i did immediately with the reaction was try to suppress it and feel guilty about it, feel bad about feeling desire, yet, it felt like the guilt was just an excuse i used to go on participating:

like: as long as i feel guilty about it, i can keep doing it
what unbelievable SELF dishonesty, actually doing shit behind my own back, actually lying to myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to feel guilty about experiencing desire, only to use as an excuse to keep feeling and participating in desire

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to feel aroused and exited when i hear popular music, especially r&b and pop

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to associate that music with sex, as in 'losing myself in music' as i would 'lose myself in sex and desire'

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to lose myself in desire, so i can litterally lose myself to never have to face myself again

i forgive myself for allowing myself to react with desire to music where there is a base and a soft female voice singing about touching and sex and desire and seduction

i forgive myself for allowing myself to experience exitement when i hear a person singing, 'in key', as that represents to me the 'screams' of pleasure within sex

it indicates pleasure for me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to see listening and reacting to music, as enjoying myself, as pleasure, as nice, as enjoyment

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to be influenced by popular music, by the media, that portray naked women brushing against men in music videos, where the woman is always weaker and desired by men, and where she is trying to prove and show that she can be independent, without a man

what is what i have allowed myself to become: experiecing myself as weaker, within giving my power away to men. and then try to prove that i am strong, as some kind of picture presentation of myself.

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to separate music from myself by wanting to desire it, so i wouldnt have to face me here, as one and equal with all

i forgive myself for allowing msyelf to feel desire at the idea of the woman being weaker and dominated by the man, because in this i could give away my power and self responsability to a man, so i wouldnt have to stand up and face myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to separate strength from myself by believing that it is a picture presentation like the women on tv, the 'warriors', the 'cool' women, and that, if i just would look like that, i will experience strength

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to listen to music with the intention of feeling aroused and experiencing desire, and conjuring up images within my mind where i can experience 'strength' while i am in fact taking away my own strength and giving it to images, separate from myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that sex and desire is 'bigger than me', that all those people and the music of tv are stronger, more powerful than me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to react within desire to songs where women are moaning and huffing and puffing, implicating desire and sex, because i ve allowed myself to give away my power to desire for sex, as an attempt to escape from myself HERE

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to be deceived by the picture presentations of tv of 'beautiful' seductive sexy attractive women, that are desired by all, screaming out SEX!!! and HOT and DESIRE

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to fall into the trap of being pleased by sex and desire, not realising that it all dies, it all passes, it is but a momentary 'infatuation', a momentary 'hot flash', afterwards i am left with shame and regret, because i have yet again allowed myself to fall into the trap like a jackass, as if i didnt already know that it would just end up in me feeling regret

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to desire the exitement, the momentary feeling 'lifted up', when listening to music, the momentary exitement when the voices are rising, indicating a 'lifting up' as in 'orgasm', as in 'moving towards the light'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to actually crave and desire for 'salvation', 'being lifted up', being 'released from myself'
WTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTF!!!!!!!

what a fucking jackass i am!!!

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to 'turn a blind eye' on myself for a moment, just so i could get a 'shot' of 'momentary lifting up', 'momentary orgasm'
when listening to music or seeing pictures of half naked women dancing on tv or in magazines

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to crave being or believing that i am the picture presentation of those women i see on television, of which i ve allowed myself to believe that they represent strenght

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to actually believe that those women and men in music videos with their dance moves and close ups of their face, represent strenth and self assuredness, and that i thus must listen to every word they say, when they tell me that all that matters is sex

fuck!!

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to be influenced by this sex obsessed society, and in this believing and participating in it, creating it myself

i forgive myself for havng allowed myself to give ALL my power away to the television that is constantly sceaming out 'seek sex', because it is easier than to stand up as myself

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to be controlled and guided by television, by desire

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to be like the people i see on tv, to want to move in that ridiculous way that they move and be a jackass just like them, because it is easier than to stand up as me

i forgive myself for allowing myself to have BECOME the very manifested desire, as the manifested constant trying to escape from myself, wanting to be MORE than myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that music or sound is able to 'carry me somewhere', to take me somewhere, lift me up, release me, like an orgasm

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that there is a 'higher place', that i can infact ever 'reach something' higher than myself, when i know that, when i experience orgasm as result of apparant 'building up of desire 'towards something', all that i ve reached is a deep feeling of regret and shame within myself, indicating that yet again have i, within my apparant unableness to stand up and take self responsability, fallen into the trap of trying to run away from myself within desire

here: the ludacrissness of 'building up desire towards an orgasm'

i forgive myself for having allowe dmyself to believe that it is possible to be 'better' or 'higher' than myself, as how thoughts make it seem, as how des-higher makes it seem.when all just happens in and as the simplicity of HERE

i forgive myself for allowing myself to try to push sex and sexuality and arousal and exitement away from myself, to not want to realise myself as one and equal with it

because of 'feeling guilty' which is just an excuse of me to keep participating in it

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to be carried away by desire, to want to reach a higher place, and apparantly live in eternal bliss

is this even possible: 'leaving myself here behind' to get to and reach a 'higher state of being'?
because in this 'higher state of being', is also me, i am always with me, no matter where i go, no matter how blissfully perfect my world may seem

if i do not accept all of me HERE
i cannot just, leave shit of me, certain parts of me behind and ignore it

because i will always be with the truth of me: that i was unwilling to actually FACE myself, and instead ran away from myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to, willingly, give my power away to all of the beings around me, because i have believed myself to be weak and unable to take care of myself and take self responsability

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to have seduced and manipulated other beings into wanting to take care of me and take responsability for me, by 'acting friendly and nice' and by adapting me to their expectations so they will be pleased, which is basically selling myself as a prostitute to please other beings so they would give me money.


i forgive myself for having allowed myself to do what i do as a means of trying to escape from HERE

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to constantly think about the next moment, which is apparantly not here, think about what i would do or might do, to not actually be HERE as myself

in and as SELF movement, because i am unwilling to accept myself HERE

i forgive myself for allowing myself to give my power away to automated behaviour, where in i can apparantly lose myself for a moment, like pushing out my pimples, like bending my nails, like scratching my skin, and afterwards i ll again realise that i didnt really lose myself: i am still here and i will feel regret and shame because i have again fallen into the trap of desire to escape myself

to , for but a moment, not have to be aware of myself HERE

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that i am sometimes not aware of what i am doing when i am following a desire, when in fact i am aware every moment of what i allow within myself, i am completely responsible for myself in every moment

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to sink deeper and deeper in the trap of giving my power away, in the illusion that i can give away my self responsability, not realising that i have to live with me, everywhere all the time, because i am always HERE

till here and no further:
i cannot go anywhere, desire can not take me higher, it can not take me away from myself
i am always here within and as the truth of me
there is no way out, i must stand here
and i stand HERE
within and as myself as all as one as equal
i take self responsability

till here and no further:
other beings cannot save me from myself, other beings cannot 'make my existence bearable'
i cannot escape within relationships, because i am always HERE with myself, with the truth of me as who i have allowed myself to become

there is nothing that i can hold on to or desire, because it is all here
i cannot lose myself in anything
because i am one and equal with all in creation
i accept myself completely as all of creation because i live with me as me
HERE

2008 - judging self

the reason for why i judge myself and define myself so extensively: the experience of me that is of total and utter disgust and shame about the past that i am trying to escape from within myself, by 'covering me up' with thoughts as judgements and definitions, defining and judging every move i make, so i would not have to face me direct.

there was an event in the past, when i was really young: the father of a friend of mine took me on his lap and placed his hand at my vagina, i reacted to this. the thing that made me disgusted with myself was that i did not stand up, because i was supposedly 'just a kid', i let me be 'used/dominated' by this man, and i did not stand up!

this disgust with myself i did not want to face and i hid myself and tryed to escape from it within judging myself and making and creating definitions, staying very locked and 'secured' within my thoughts, that keep me from ever facing what is the actual experience of me, underneith it all..

this is why i am constantly thinking about 'the next moment', creating all possible images in my mind of 'whats going to happen' and 'how i would experience myself if i let go', to keep me from ACTUALLY letting go and facing myself HERE.

because i know, i know that it will not be nice, it will in no way be pretty what i will face, within absolute SELF RESPONSABILITY, completely ALONE, no where to hide nowhere to run. no one to blame, for what I HAD ALLOWED WITHIN MYSELF, but myself!

the only reason why i have thoughts is to cover up and try to escape within my mind from traumas in the past, which became the actual experience of me. experiences where i did things or allowed things to be done unto me, and i did not stop, i did not stand up. i then experienced so much regret and shame that i wanted 'a way out', and i created that by participating in the mind as thoughts feelings and emotions.

so, this system, has not in any way been 'done unto me', i have done this unto myself, in every way.

and i always thought, looking back at my childhood, from the mind, 'i was so happy then', when infact all i experienced back then was shame and regret as the manifested experience of me, and me trying to escape from that by participating in the system, becoming the system: manifesting even more shame and regret.

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not stand up when jaques placed his hand at my vagina and then judge myself for that, within being absolutely disgusted with myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not and no more accept myself as self honest expression, because i did not stand up in and as self honesty, i disgraced myself as life, thus i have no right to ever express myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to attempt escaping from myself within 'a good feeling', and in that search for a good feeling, i allowed myself to participate within self judgements and self definitions

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to become a system just so i could feel good about myself, to escape the actual experience of me, which is absolute disgust and shame, that can infact not be escaped from

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to desperately search for recognition from others within my mind so i can keep separating me from myself, so i would not directly have to face me HERE ALONE

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to keep going around in circles for all of eternity within the mind, within 'escape routes', just so i wouldnt have to stop and face myself HERE

i forgive myself for allowing myself to look for a person to blame, like jacques or my parents for who i have allowed myself to become, to try to escape my complete self responsability

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to fear facing myself, to fear facing who i had allowed myself to become thru billions and billions of years participating within the mind consciousness system

i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear facing myself within and as absolute aloneness, giving up on the thoughts that i ve used to hide from myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to participate in hope and wishful thinking, making images within my mind of 'how it will be when i face myself' etc.., which only keep me within the cycles and loops of the mind as past and future

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to stay in loops and cycles of the mind, to not have to directly face me here within and as self responsability, face what i have allowed within myself

i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear facing the absolute vastness and mangitude of SELF RESPONSABILITY

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to try to escape from the disgust and shame i experience towards myself within a relationship, searching for a good feeling

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not really want to give up the mind because, although i am litterally destroying myself as life, atleast i dont have to face myself as who i have allowed myself to become

i can just remain 'blissfully unaware'

i forgive myself for allowing myself to punish myself by judging myself and thinking and making definitions, to keep me from facing myself and expressing myself

i forgive myself for allowing myself to not want to give up on all those thoughts in my mind, that seem so real, all those people within my mind, that seem so real, that make me feel so nice

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to give up my power and strength to men and other beings, so i would be able to feel weak, so i could give away my self responsability

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to lock me up and in completely within knowledge and information as definitions , so i can define everything within separation of me and not see direct as me, without prefabricated knowledge, what is actually real

who i actually am

i forgive myself forhaving allowed myself to become infected and diseased, as my human physical body because i am unwilling to stand as myself in and as self respnsability, because i have allowed myself to sell myself to the system

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to keep hating myself for who i have become, within that only furthering my becoming a system

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to create escape routes within myself as good feelings

i forgive myself for allowing myself to hate myself for never having stood up as life

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to hate myself for having blamed jacques for what i had allowed within myself, and in this gave away my self responsability and sold myself to the system

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to participate within searching for an escape from myself, in every single moment of my existence, in whatever i did: i tryed to distract myself from myself, i let myself be guided by desires. within separating everything from myself, i created escape routes for myself


till here and no further:
i cannot escape from myself
it is impossible
there is no separation, i am alone HERE
i do not allow me te be guided by thoughts as desires
i do not allow myself to want to escape myself and try to find ways to do this
i do not allow myself to even for a moment consider that there is anyone or anything out there, out side of myself, that could help me
i do not allow myself to want to pity myself
i do not allow myself to believe that i am 'too weak to stand up'
i do not allow myself to make and create excuses for not having to absolutely face me here in every moment of breath
i do not allow me to search and hope for a good feeling
i do not allow me to hate myself for who i have become, which is only another excuse to not have to face me absolutely here

i am not weak
i am strength as life within myself as i stand HERE
i do not allow myself to give away my power to judgements and definitions and the desire to be weak
i am HERE
i do not allow myself to give away my strength and power to other beings so they can take responsability for me
i do not allow myself to even consider not standing HERE absolute self honestly as me as life as all as one as equal

i do not allow myself to even for a moment not take absolute self responsability for this creation as myself as who i have allowed myself to become

i walk in every moment, in every breath, until it is done
in this i stand absolute i do not accept anything less of myself than myself as life as who i really am HERE as self responsability
i am not weak
i am strenght
within and as oneness and equality

2008 - first day of work

today was my first day of work: i work at a bakery
something i never wanted to do: standing at a register, working with money and pushing keys on a screan, working while other beings wait for me to get it done.

i ve always experienced intense 'pressure' around beings, whenever i had a responsability, whenever it was up to me to 'perform' and do stuff for them.

i took on this job, to prove to myself that i am not controlled by fear, that i will not allow myself to limit myself thru perceptions of who i am based on passed experiences.

it was interesting: there were moments, when the store was busy, there were lots of people waiting in line and i felt anxiety and started feeling 'pressure' of 'expectations of other beings towards me', wanting to please them, fearing them getting frustrated with me or angry because 'i am taking so long'.

when i feel that 'pressure', which is self judgements and expectations, coming up. it gets to a point where it 'takes over' and i sort of 'shut down'.
it was fascinating: when i am expected to do something and something is going wrong, and other people are expecting me to fix it: i just shut down...
i go numb and i am staring at the screen of the register, wanting to fix what i did 'wrong', but every bit of problem solving or action within me is just gone, i then feel like a dumb kid, not knowing what i am in fact even doing there.

it is like instant depression, in one moment, i move to the back of my mind and start feeling 'bad', so bad that i cant move.

this used to really fuck me up in the past, i remember the last time i worked at a register, it was living hell for me: having this whole line of beings expecting me to work faster, getting more frustrated by the second and me doing shit wrong, not knowing how to fix it..

but this time, i just noticed how my mind worked in that way, and i just stopped and told myself : wtf, these people dont give a fuck about me, why should i give a fuck about what they think or how they feel. i am here and i am giving me the time to do this.

so that was cool.

there were also some moments where i could see me becoming a definition, an act, 'fake', sort of manipulating others into thinking that i am a good and nice person.

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to get pushed around by expectations of other beings towards me, by my own thoughts of what other beings expect of me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to feel 'cornered' and 'watched' when there are people wanting me to do something for them, expecting me to do that 'right' and as fast as possible
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want to give other people what they want, to try not to make them feel uncomfortable and blame it on me

i forgive myself for allowin gmyself to fear other beings blaming me for their discomfort

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to compromise myself by automatically giving beings what they want

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to feel pressurised when there are beings waiting for me to do something for them, because i then want to give them what they want,in the way that they want it, so they would like me and judge me positively

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want to 'perform', as in giving a performance of me being 'perfect' at what i do, so i can get the approval of other beings

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to feel good about myself when natalie said that she sees that i will be a good worker there, that i can do this, because: mission accomplished! she notices me and approves of me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to, when working at the bakery, lose sight of whati am doing and why i am doing it: i am doing what ever i am doing for me, and only for myself, so i can practically realise myself HERE
not so i can please other people!

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to compare myself with sara, and believing me to be less because she did everything really fast and she was really efficient in working with the register

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe i must be as good as sara

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want sara te see and recognise that i am good at that job, so she has respect for me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want respect from sara and natalie, therefore i try to please them in what i do, and therefore i feel 'pressurised', because i expect myself to 'perform' for them

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to do what i do for other beings, in the sense that i want them to respect me for what i do

instead of me respecting myself in every move i make, within and as self direction and stability and self presence

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want to prove to other beings that i am good at what i do, whatever it is, so they can 'throw me a bone', like a compliment, to which i then react with a good feeling, so i can yet again feel like i am a 'good person'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to pretend as though i do not react to compliments, while suppressing the reaction of exitement that i experience

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to become a definition, a mould, a form, in which i perform, in which i can show beings that i am a 'good person'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to compromise myself around natalie and sara, by adapting to how i thought i had to behave in that 'work environment'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to beleive that i must adapt in the work environment, to my co workers and my boss, otherwise i might not 'do it right', otherwise they might not give me recognition

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to give away my power and self support to the search for approval from my co workers and my boss, and then from that, fear that i might 'do something wrong' or fear losing my job, because i ve allowed myself to not be absolutely HERE in and as self trust, self movement, self presence

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that i am working for natalie, and that i therefore must adapt to her expectations towards me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to think that this job is more important than myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to separate myself from this job and the beings there, by believing that i need them

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge sara and natalie, and react towards them in fear and anxiety, by believing that i need them and their approval of me to survive

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to doubt my expression and then adapt and become fake, so i can feel safe in a 'socially acceptable' expression

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to be concerned with money

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to give my power away to the matrix as the apparant need for a job and money, which is apparantly bigger than me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to see money and job as my foundation

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not be self honest towards natalie en sara because i believed i might need them within supporting myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to think about their judgements of me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to manipulate them into liking me, by pretending to be someone that they would/might like

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to participate in the matrix as the fear of losing money or job as apparant support

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to feel safe when the beings that i work for/with like me and approve of me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to see natalie and sara as mere tools that i use to survive by manipulating them into liking me and in that, want to support me, want to give me what i want

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to associate work with fear and anxiety and 'pressure'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to fear sara and natalie

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want need and desire their approval and recognition

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge myself as stupid, when i did something wrong on the register and wasnt able to fix it myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want to prove that i can do things myself, that i am smart and insightful

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to be clouded and blinded with judgements about myself, instead of practically being HERE as me as breath as the solution

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge myself whenever i made a mistake, because i wanted to please other beings in showing them that i can do this perfectly so they can be pleased with me

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want natalie to be pleased with me

i forgive myself for allowing myself to enslave myself to a 'boss', to the moneysystem

i forgive myself for allowing myself to define myself according to the job i do

i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear actually practically directing myself

i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear stopping the urge to want to please other beings

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to 'move to the back of my mind', whenever i feel pressure about wanting to please other people yet fearing that they are not pleased with what i do at all

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to constantly be 'conscious' of what other beings are thinking about me, this is either 'what a good girl', or 'what an annoying person, cant she go faster!'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to rely on others in this world

i forgive myself for not having allowed myself to realise that nobody gives a fuck about me, all in this world is self-interest, each one for themselves

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to think or consider that anyone actually cares about me, in any way what so ever

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to spend all of my attention on what other beings think or may think about me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to experience anxiety when there were a lot of people in the store, i forgive myself for having allowed myself to think about every possible judgement of every possible person, and then it gets 'too much' for me, and i shut down

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that the more people that are around me, the more i am attacked by judgements

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to go numb because of the judgements and fear and then not be able to move myself practically

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that i have to do what i do from the startingpoint of giving these people what they want and how they want it

2008 - accepting self

ok the reason for why i do and did not accept myself: guilt and shame

guilt and shame about past events where i followed my desire and acted on my desire and did not stop myself, especially towards other beings, and afterwards i felt ashamed about what i did and felt guilty.

first event: with my two best friends at that time, i was at an age between seven and ten...i think.
i was lying in bed with my two best friends at that time, we were lying together, and the middle one started touching us, she asked if she could feel our breasts and nipples, because she was curious, we said 'no', but eventually let her. i enjoyed her touching my nipples, and it seemed innocent, yet because i felt and experienced desire, it wasnt.

afterwards, me and the other one , well me anyways, wanted to pretend as if it never happened, suppression of the experience, immediately after it happened due to me feeling guilty and 'bad' because i felt desire, which made the experience not innocent anymore, not a self expression but a system expression.

my friend (the one who was touching), the younger one, didnt feel bad about it at all, she wanted actually to touch us all the time, she was 'incredibly curious' lol

me and the other one made sort of a joke, we said 'protection activated' while we moved our arms over our breasts like a vault closing, every time the younger one tryed to touch us lol; now that i think about it: she seemed a little obsessed with touching our 'private parts'.

and i tried to avoid the subject of 'touching' and what had happened as much as possible.
i feel like my whole relationship with them from then on was based entirely on suppressing the guilt and regret that i had experienced, all the jokes we made, everything was judgements and definitions, no more self honest expression, but more an expression as searching for recognition, searching for another to accept me because i was not willing to.

the 'self acceptance' subject, which is in other terms: 'realising myself HERE', is something i really dont want to come near because of this shame and guilt and regret that i so deeply experience within myself surrounding self honesty and self expression

perhaps: i feel like i do not deserve to express myself completely within self acceptance because of 'what i had done'. as if i must pay and punish myself for all of eternity within suppressing myself.

thus staying in an eternal search for relationships and recognition and acceptance outside of myself, in others.



i also have this weird memory of which i m not sure if it actually happened or was just a dream, at the very early stages of my life: i was in primary school, maybe first grade. i was lying on a bench with my but bared 'facing' up, this other girl, evelien, standing over me, stuffing hairs (long hairs of her head i suppose) in my but crack, and then pulling them out. the sensation of that seemed to please me and we were enjoying ourselves, yet this is a weird memory because it is situated in school so i dont recall any teachers stopping us, or maybe i suppressed that part.

i also feel 'bad' and ashamed about this memory, because it has to do with 'sexuality', because of the whole but thing, i feel like that was a 'bad' thing of me to do, i almost feel as though i ve abused evelien, sort of making her do that because i enjoyed myself with that.

maybe this is why i never really ask another to do me a favour, or i never really want to do anything other than what 'the other person with me' wants to do, because i feel as though i am abusing that being, making them do something they dont really want to for my pleasure.

maybe thats why, when i was playing with other kids, i especially remember when i was playing with my niece, that all we were doing the whole time was:

me: 'what do you want to do?'
her: 'i dont know. what do you want to do?'
me: 'i dont know. what do you want to do?'
her: 'i dont know. what do you want to do?'
etc...

never suggesting anything myself out of fear that we will be doing something that she wont enjoy. feeling guilty about 'doing what i WANT to do', as in following my DESIRE for doing something.


so i wonder where my tourettes comes in here: the suppression of my expression

i d say that the event with my two friends at the age around eight might have triggered it, although i think i can recall me having the 'tics', all the different nervous twiches, all of the facial 'spasms', things that are quite specific for a person with tourettes, occurring before that time aswell.

i feel like asking my friends about when we had that experience and asking my parents whether they can recall when the tics started happening, to see if i 'get a match', but i m kindof afraid about bringing up the experience, because they probably wont want to be confronted with that anymore (because 'what happened in the past, stays in the past').

well, i guess i am afraid of 'losing the relationship', that we have now as 'grown ups', where we are apparantly different from when we were kids, more 'evolved', 'better'. where we dont want to be confronted with the time when we were 'lesser', unless it is an event where we can say 'aww, that was so cute/cool of me' and feel good about ourselves now.



what is interesting about the 'not accepting myself', is that i see this now, now that i have to take care of myself practically: getting a job, place to live, doing practical stuff by myself. i really dont want to do that because: why would i want to take care of a being that i dont even accept. i fear change because i would be alone, i would have to take care of stuff all by myself, i would HAVE to trust myself.

i have always been 'living' in mary wonderland in my mind, where i would imagine me as a definition, just a definition that is recognised and accepted by other beings, thats all i 'lived' for: that feeling of 'i am a good person, i am accepted, i am recognised and noticed'. i never did anything practical, because practicality means being HERE, and being HERE, means being with myself, alone.

so:
i forgive myself for allowing myself to experience regret because i followed my desires in the past, and in that regret, i have suppressed myself entirely, punishing myself to never again express myself

i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel bad about having allowed myself to have experienced desire when kristien was touching my nipples, because i was not allowing her or me to express ourselves within and as intimacy: i kept this desire hidden, secret. thus feeling guilty about it

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to hide my desires, and to not want to talk about them, to not want to be open and honest about my experiences

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want to keep the desire within myself and therefore not be open and honest about it

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to feel like a really bad person because i felt desire when kristien was touching my nipples, because in that feeling desire, i was actually not seeing kristien as my friend: one and equal with me, but as an object that i use for my pleasure.

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that i must be punished because i felt desire

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that i must forever more be locked away, under layers of judgements and definitions, to never again express myself unconditionally

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to infact, in suppressing this experience within myself by existing in regret, manifest this experience over and over and over again in my life, where i go thru the exact same experience, because i never allowed myself to face myself in that moment, i never allowed myself to be self honest

i forgive myself for allowing myself to keep my desires hidden from others and myself, others as myself, because i ve allowed myself to judge experiencing desire as 'bad', so i actually in that, feed the desire in myself, by not releasing it within self honesty, and so i exist within constant regret and shame and guilt

i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel like a bad person for ever having allowed desire within myself

i forgive myself for allowing myself to exist in and as regret for ever having allowed desire within myself

and now constantly and continuously try to compensate this regret, by trying to accomplish a 'good feeling' in myself, in following my desires, which then again will manifest regret within myself. thus keeping myself in eternal loops of regret.

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to regret having used kristien in the way i did, by experiencing desire towards her touching me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not be honest about my experience towards her, because i immediately judged that desire as 'bad', thus judging myself as a 'bad' person.
and now constantly feeling like a bad person, and constantly trying to compensate this feeling within the search for recognition and acceptance from other beings

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to choose desire over life
to choose self dishonesty and self deception over self honesty as life as who i am

because of the belief that i must experience this regret within, so i 'deserve' to forever more be a mind consciousness system, to forever more abuse myself and others within and as desire

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to bury myself under self judgement and self blame and guilt in order to attempt to suppress the desire i experience within myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge desire as 'bad'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to feel guilty at experiencing desire

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to react to desire with regret and shame and guilt, as an attempt to not have to realise and face the desire that i have allowed within myself


lol by now i m sitting here with a smile on my face as i can really feel the suppression 'soaking off', and a warmth in my pelvic area, as my expression 're emmerging'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to avoid self honesty because i didnt want to be seen as a 'bad person', if other beings would know about what really goes on inside me, and so i kept it hidden, only creating more and more self dishonesty as secrets as desires as thoughts feelings and emotions

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge myself, as to punish myself for feeling desires, for ever having experienced desire

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to exist within and as constant self judgment as self punishment as a constant suppression of myself as self expression because i have allowed myself to judge experiencing desire as 'bad' therefore i was a 'bad person'

i forgive myself for not having allowed myself to realise that by judging a desire, i am separating it from myself, thus i am giving it power over me, by not realising that i am one and equal with desire, and cannot be controlled or overpowered by it

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to separate myself from myself, by existing within constant self judgement, by not wanting to face myself, by suppressing my experiences, by not accepting myself HERE

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to turn myself as my life into hell, by overcomplicating everything, never allowing myself to just be simple, self honestly, HERE

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to punish and suppress myself with tics, physically manifested acts of suppression, every time i experience a desire, within which i actually am feeding the desire, by not simply STOPPING in the moment and realising 'this is not who i am'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to become the complete manifestation of regret, thus of suppression, thus of desire

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not face this regret within myself within self honesty, instead of trying to avoid it and hide from it within following desires, which then only creates more regret

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to participate within the never ending cycle of regret and desire

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that i cannot be honest about the fact that i experieced desire within myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to fear being judged as 'bad' by my friends and other beings, so i judged myself as 'bad' within myself and then punished myself for 'what i did'

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that i do not deserve expressing myself unconditionally, because i have allowed desire to exist within me


i forgive myself for having allowed myself to place desire on all sorts of things, such as food, clothes, sex, relationships, sleeping, etc... all in an attempt to not have to face the regret within myself, all in an attempt to not have to face myself as who i ve allowed myself to become HERE

i forgive myself for not having allowed myself to not realise that desire manifest regret within myself, so by constantly and continuously trying to hide and escape from regret within desire, i am simply adding onto the regret within myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to enslave myself and keep myself enslaved within the belief that i am not worthy of expressing myself because i have allowed desire to exist within myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to actually believe that i must feel guilty and ashamed of myself and of what i have allowed within myself, for ever and ever and ever, that i cannot express myself unconditonally ever again, because i had disgraced life, so now i must pay and suffer

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to disgrace life even more as an act of self hate and self punishment, where in i was actually disgracing and punishing all of life as me, all the beings in this world as me

i forgive myself for not allowing myself to honour life as me, as all life, as all the beings, as all of creation, and to STOP the suffering and the punishment within myself, to STOP the self hate, the self abuse, the self judgement, the self suppression, the guilt, the shame, the regret

i forgive myself for not allowing myself to stand up as ALL LIFE as me HERE, within self acceptance, self expression, self honesty, to no longer allow any systems as desire within myself, to no longer allow self abuse as judgements, suppressions, thoughts feelings and emotions within myself

but to stand: as me as all as one as equal

i forgive myself for allowing myself to, within every thought, every feeling, every emotion, judge myself and punish myself, and confirm the experience of regret within myself, believing me to infact be unable to stand up as me due to all of the extensive acceptances and allowances

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to deem myself unworthy of experiencing love, acceptance, self honesty, flow, gentleness, gracefulness as me and to, whenever i experience myself opening up, pull myself back into self judgement and regret, telling me that i do not deserve to be life

i forgive myself for not having allowed myself to simply STOP: to STOP ALL of me, regret and desire, stopping for good, till here and no further, I STOP

2008 - self forgiveness on being a good person

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to participate in hope, hope that i will feel good in the future

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to participate in expectations, expectations that i will feel good about what i do, about decisions that i will make

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to actually believe that i am a bad person if dont participate within 'social behaviour'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that i am a bad person if i dont wave or smile at someone that i know from my past, because that person might expect me to

i forgive myself for allowing myself to expect persons from my past to show me that they recognise me by smiling or waving at me, as an indication that i still have a relationship with that being so i can feel safe and good

i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel angry or upset or 'ignored' when someone that i recognise from my past does not give me a sign that they recognise me to let me know that our 'relationship' still matters to that being, so i as the system that i ve allowed myself to become, that needs relationships with other beings to exist and cannot be alone, will feel good and safe in its existence

i forgive myself for allowing myself to blame other beings when they dont give me attention because i feel bad about that, because i have allowed myself to want need and desire relationships with other beings so 'i' as the system i ve allowed myself to become that needs relationships to exist,will survive

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to give up myself, life, to adapt to the possible expectations of other beings about myself, so i can secure my existence as a mind consciousness system within 'not feeling alone', believing that there are other beings that are 'there for me', that support me and that will help me

i forgive myself for allowing myself to expect other beings to support and help me simply by being friendly and nice to me, so i can feel 'good' within the thought that others 'like' me, and in that 'liking', a relationship is established;
and so therefore i feel like i must live up to the expectations of others, otherwise they would not give me 'what i want'

i forgive myself for never having allowed myself to trust myself HERE, trust who i am as self movement, because i have allowed myself to react in fear to my parents, grandparents and teachers when they got angry at me, because i had allowed myself to rely and depend on my parents for my existence, when i did something as myself that they did not like, so now i exist in constant and continuous fear that i might possibly be doing something that other beings may dislike and then they might not want to support or help me anymore

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that it is a 'bad' thing if i am completely alone, with no one around to seemingly help and support me

i forgive myself for allowing myself to, when i have a job, or have something that another being can take away from me, step into 'peoplepleaser mode', to keep them feeling good about me, so i can feel good and safe

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to only feel safe when i think that the beings around me are pleased with me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to build my entire existence around and as 'relationships with other beings' so now i feel as if i cannot trust myself at all and i cannot support myself and move myself ALONE

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to live from the outside in, as in: constantly fearing all the beings around me, making every move within fear of their possible 'negative' judgements about my expression
instead of from the inside out, wherein i realise that outside is in, because all is me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not realise that i ve never given myself the opportunity to be myself and to trust myself in every step i take, i ve never allowed myself to be simply HERE as myself. i ve never really allowed myself to live without fear or expectations

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to define myself according to the 'good' feeling that i get when i think that other beings like me

i forgiv emyself for havinga llowed myself to build my expression completely on 'creating relationships', thus i always judge my expression thru the eyes of another being

within separation of myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that i cannot love support and appreciate myself completely ALONE, that i NEED other beings to do that for me, because that is the way i have always allowed myself to be and 'live'

i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that i am a being, i am here, there cannot exist anyone 'better, bigger' than me, i live, why would i not absolutely accept myself?...

i forgive myself for havinga llowed myself to base al my movements and actions on 'creating relationships' with other beings, wanting to 'fit in', wanting to be liked, appreciated, noticed, loved, needed, wanted

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that there are things that i cannot do, pretty much everything, as i have allowed myself to only do things to prove myself to other beings, never really for me as me practically HERE

i forgive myself for allowing myself to question and think about my movements, about my 'behaviour', 'was it alright?', 'what would that person think of me?', 'am i ok?' 'is it ok that i did that for that person?' 'are they upset with me now?'

i forgive myself for allowing myself to doubt myself, which is simply stating that i do not trust myself, that i do not trust myself that i support myself and that i do what is necessairy to be done for me as all as one as equal

2008 - jealousy

i was reading darryls blog and jealousy came up, and regret that i was never able, i never allowed myself to actually communicate with beings from the starting point of just being me: i have always been consumed with self judgement and the idea that i cannot do anyting etc

i think then: 'i want their life', i want what they have, i want to be able to do that, and then i fear 'not being able to stand up'.
so i hope that i 'will' stand up instead of standing up HERE and realising that it is my decision, i create myself in every moment.

i have this feeling that there exist a possibility that i might fall, and not stand up, that i will never really get to a point of absolute self trust and self acceptance. especially towards other beings, i have a 'hard time', actually voicing myself around other beings, actually spontaneously opening my mouth and speaking.

i fear 'not having anything to say', i fear other beings seeing that i am confused and 'dont really know what i am doing', so i want to always make sure that what i am about to say will be 'perfect', that i know exactly what to say and how. i fear spontaneouss expression of me in the moment: fear failing. i somehow fear my grandfather in that, his anger towards me, his expectations.

he is a very direct man, he expects things from his children and grandchildren, he wants things a certain way, and when that doesnt happen he gets angry at the beings for not living up to those expectations. for not doing 'what they must/what is right'.
so i reacted towards this man in fear of his anger, of him stating that 'i must speak up' 'i must do this, do that', him saying that my expression isnt good enough, i must adapt more to 'social rules/behaviour'
i actually believed him in this, and i wanted to make sure that i always had something to say when he 'placed me on the spot' by asking me a question, because i didnt want him to get angry or react towards my 'doubtfullness' and perceived insecurity about things, about what i will do or say. i wanted to show him that i am 'certain' about what i say when i say it.

wanting to show strength and confidence, when actually i felt really insecure.
so i have this now where i freeze up when i know i must speak up and stand up and say something, i fear being 'on the spot', i fear beings possibly seeing my insecurity when i say something.

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to feel jealous towards darryl because of how he seems to be able to just be himself in communication with other beings
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to feel jealous because i do not allow myself to accept my own expression
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that i am less because i never allowed myself to express myself in any way what so ever, i never allowed myself to simply speak and move myself, because i was so cought up in self judgement and fear of what other beings might think of me and expectations of myself which made it impossible for me to just be myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that i am in fact unable to speak because i have never really allowed myself to express myself in that way, i ve always conformed to what i thought people wanted to hear to please them
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to make and create expectations of myself based on what i see other people do, to want to be like them because i believe and perceive that to be 'better'
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that i will never be able to just express myself, to think that i am too enslaved, too emprisonned within my mind as limitations and suppressions to stand up and speak and express within and as self trust and self responsability
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to react in fear when my grandpa got angry at me for not expressing myself according to his expectations about me
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to therefore believe that i must always make sure that i do what others expect of me
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to for ever more fear other beings being angry with me for not expressing myself according to their expectations towards me, because i have at a certain point allowed myself to fear that reaction of anger, and i then actually allowed myself to believe that i HAVE to do what i think another wants me to do, that i HAVE to please another in what they want from me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to actually live in a constant fear of 'not doing the right thing' 'not doing what another wants/expects of me', a constant fear of that possible reaction of anger within them

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to give my power away to my grandfather, to the reaction of anger within him, because i had allowed myself to respect my parents and my family, because i had allowed myself to become depended on my family for supporting me. i had expected them to support me, so i then believed that i must live up to their expectations of me. give and take

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to really truly believe that i cannot just be me, but that there are rules as expectations of other beings that i must follow

i forgive myself for allowing myself to actually constantly be 'consciouss' of those possible expectations of other beings, to live in that constant separation, as if they really exist as something bigger than me, something i must obey

i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear not surviving if i do not live up to the expectations of other beings about me, to fear not being able to support myself if those beings were to reject me for my expression

i forgive myself for allowing myself to consider that fear within me, the fear of 'oh no i have to make sure that i give them what they want, i have to make sure that i do not screw up, to not get them angry at me'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to place all my trust and support into my family, and have expectations towards them for loving me and taking care of me, and therefore i enslaved myself within wanting to please them in their expectations of me so they would please me in mine

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to conform to an image of me that pleases other beings, where i can think that i am 'ok' and 'allright' because they like my expression

i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear someone suddenly reacting towards my expression and me not being 'ready' for it, i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear 'freezing up', to fear feeling 'shocked' as how i felt when my grandpa reacted in anger towards my expression

i forgive myself for allowing myself to suppress my expression and limit myself and exist in constant fear and anxiety around other beings so i can have the illusion that i am 'alert' and 'ready' for when someone might react to my expression

i forgive myself for allowing myself to prepare myself to possible fear with already feeling fear all the time, so i cannot be 'shocked' with fear

i forgive myself for allowing myself to create expectations for myself with regards to my job, to want to perform, and do it 'right' so my boss will be pleased with me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that if other beings would be angry with me, that means i did something wrong

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to seem towards other beings as a 'good person' someone they can be content about

i forgive myself for allowing myself to constantly and continuously look at myself thru the eyes as judgements of other beings, so i can constantly 'be consciouss' of what i am doing right or what i am doing wrong for them

where they are pleased with me and where they are displeased with me

i forgive myself for having allowed the system structure side of me to dominate myself as self expression by separating 'the system' as 'other beings' from myself and by fearing it

by believing that me as self expression is too little and too insignificant to express myself and to be myself ALONE

i forgive myself for allowing myself to create relationships with other beings as the system and expect them to support me because i ve allowed myself to believe that the system dominates me and that i cannot trust myself because i am apparantly too little weak and insignificant compared to the system, so i must therefore place all my trust in the system and try to please the system so it will want to support me

i forgive myself for allowing myself to not realise that self expression is oneness and equality, meaning that i am one and equal to the system as other beings, there is no separation, i am both the system structure side as right side aswell as the self expression as flow as creation that is the left side
i am both left and right

i forgive myself for allowing myself to have 'left' my expression to be 'right' as a system in the system...lol
interesting

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that the system is always right lol

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that i must leave my expression and dedicate myself to the system as 'being right'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to, within that, constantly seek for approval from others as 'the system', to get others to see i am 'right' because i have 'left' my appreciation, acceptance, self love by denying my expression in order to be 'right' in and as the system

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to even consider believing that there exist 'other people' as in 'separate from me', while not realising that those 'other people' exist all within me, within this mind where they are apparantly separate pictures from me, yet they are still HERE within and as me

so i am creating it all

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to separate myself from 'the future', making it 'bigger than life, bigger than me here', by expecting and believing that i will be different in the future, that i will feel different, which is a clear self dishonest statement

i forgive myself for not allowing myself to take responsability for my creation as the system, by believing it to 'exist' outside of me, as images in my mind and emotional and feeling reactions within my belly and solar plexus

so in this i forgive myself for having allowed myself to be ignorant to my own experience, when i clearly see that it is all HERE, everything is a mere physical reaction, to pictures that my human physical eyes see, and even that=HERE
i see, i react i am here

i forgive myself for not allowing myself to take full response ability for my reactions within the realisation that i am reacting to what is HERE, which is me and nothing but me, i am reacting to pictures that i see with my human physical eyes, which i see HERE

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to become blind to the common sense that is HERE, to the simple and PLAIN truth, that all is here, within and as me, that indeed i am creating every little reaction within me, i create this reality

till here and no further:
i do not allow myself to deny the obvious truth as common sense that everything is HERE
there is nothing to fear
there is no future
the future is here
i create it
HERE
there is no past
the past is here
i create it
i do not allow myself to fear 'the system'
the system is here
i am one and equal with the system as my right side
and i do not allow myself to suppress myself as self expression
i am self expression as my left side
i am the moment
i cannot not be HERE
there cannot exist anything outside of HERE
which is me
i embrace all as me HERE in and as the moment
because i realise that this is who i am

i do not allow myself to even consider trusting something 'outside of myself', because that doesnt exist, that is self dishonesty, that is plain and simple denial of the common sensical truth, which is that all is HERE as me,
there can only be SELF trust

2008 - desiring worthlessness

yesterday after i wrote on the blog, i did some self forgiveness outloud, speaking and it was interesting what came up:

my DESIRE to feel worthless and bad and stupid and 'i cant do shit'.
the 'weakness' of me is a DESIRE, the feeling of 'being disappointed in myself' is something i actually WANT NEED AND DESIRE.

there is a cycle that i step in to and participate in: i make and create expectations of myself as future projections and images within my mind, i expect things to go a certain way, i create sort of a 'set path' within my mind that i 'have to' follow from the starting point of fear of being faced with disappointment and regret in the future when i ve done something.
these expectations are in fact impossible to live up to because they are simply not me! so the inevitability of feeling regret and disappointment in the future is imminent because there is no way but to fail at those expectations. so then when 'it doesnt work out', i feel disappointed in myself and i believe that i am 'stupid' and that i cant do anything, that i have no capabilities, that i am worthless.
and then from there again i create future projections and expectations because in this 'worthlessness' i am not willing to trust myself and accept myself as who i am HERE. and so the cycle continues...

this is one side of a polarity: worthlessness, inferiority

to balance that out i am in constant search of recognition from others, i strive for proving myself 'worthy', i want to make other beings see that i am a very smart, interesting, strong being, so i can feel good about myself, so i can feel 'superior and strong'.

this is the polarity that i am constantly moving in.
every thought i have is either a future projection as fear or a thought wherein i compare me with others and i feel superior and good about myself or where i think about the past, where someone (a male) noticed me and admired me or said something 'good' about me

the DESIRE for this feeling worthless and inferior is the 'self abuse-construct', the 'sexual' energy that the system i ve allowed myself to become generates itself with. i notice that i tend to 'hurt' myself when i do something that causes others to be angry or annoyed by me, or when i slip into my mind and participate in thoughts and reactions. not physically hurting but i go into a self-hate state. if others are not pleased with me, i blame myself and i truly believe that i am stupid and wrong. i immediately 'turn to myself', i become my own punisher.

this is the battle that i have with myself: it might, interdimensionally, look like me standing before myself, putting me down, yelling at myself, telling me that i am 'no good' and 'stupid'.
so to actually accept myself means, embracing that 'me' that i have put down, all the way down, the 'me' that i deem to be worthless and insignificant.

actually there is also physical hurting involved: little acts of self abuse such as scratching my skin, pushing out my pimples (i experience this as sort of a release: i sort of get into a trance when i am pushing out my pimples, like acting out all my self anger and self hate on myself as my body, and then afterwards i feel 'better')


so, expectations: i am searching for a job atm and i can feel how i am manifesting regret in the future, by creating expectations and images of the future, of 'me in the future' in my mind. and then i fear that possible and probable regret and disappointment in the future.

it is how it has always been, how i have allowed myself to become.

and then to compensate that i search for recognition by for example writing a blog, 'showing myself to others', so i can 'bask' in the idea of other people noticing me and judging me as 'good, cool'

2008 - real eyes

ok it s been a while i posted a blog

funny what i just real i sed: when i speak self forgiveness or am speaking to myself, i tend to look to the right, which is the system-structure side.
i tried looking to the left: the experience of me completely changed

when i look to the right, i am 'clear in my mind', meaning that i am thinking and considering what to say. when i look to the left, which is self expression, there is nothing.

i tend to not look to the left, because i dont trust the 'nothing ness', the spontaneous, unconditional, here-expression of me.

when looking in my eyes: the right eye is strong, straight.
the left is 'vacant', kind of weak.
interesting.

i ve been 'working' on the 'comparing' my expression
--> i just real i sed that all of my behaviour, every little thing i do and say, is copied behaveour, to the extreme.
i know all behaveour is copied, from everyone, no behaveour in this world is unique.

i m always looking for 'unique' behaviour, i want to be 'unique', i want to be noticed and recognised.
so: my behaviour has always been stuff that i copied from what i saw on tv, what i saw actors do

-->why? because actors and actresses get the most attention and recognition, they are admired by other beings
so obviously i figured: i will be special and unique and noticed and recognised when i act and behave like them

yet: i am sooo fixated on this 'wanting to show my unique and cool expression' that i feel so much fear of 'rejection/disapproval' from others, that in the end i stay quiet and expressionless.
lol, when on the inside there is this big desire for expressing myself building up ready to explode!

my expression:- how i sometimes tend to talk to myself, humourously, making jokes, really insightful and cool jokes. i then 'feel good' about myself because i am 'oh so insightful and smart and funny', but : 'oh shit there s no one around to see/recognise it'.
- my singing: i have a nice voice, i ve really trained myself into copying other peoples voices and mannerisms, so i like to sing disney songs like 'ariel' and 'pocahontas' because they are the 'stereotype woman' that i want to be, they are the 'desireable women', and when i sing like them, i feel as though i am them, i feel recognised, i feel noticed, i can think 'wauw, i m so cool, i have this voice like theirs, i must be like them'
-really interesting: i caught myself on the train, when i was sitting in front of this boy, a 'special boy', a slightly autistic yet handsome boy, so: special. i decided to draw: i had colour-in pictures with me and my pencils. as i was drawing i was looking at myself thru his eyes and i noticed how i had this desire in me to 'be special and unique', to surprise him, to make him wonder about who i am. i felt that desire in me that i had allowed myself to become all my life: i was like 'yuk, get out of me!'. i remember me having behaved in pretty weird ways just to MANIPULATE boys into noticing me and thinking and believing that i am special and unique.
-i always wanted to have a 'special style', a unique and special appearance. so other people would actually believe that i have 'depth', that 'there is more to me than meets the eye'. by 'people', i mean mostly boys. wanted boys to think i am unique and to be interested in me, i wanted to show them that i am 'better than' other girls, different. i guess that that has to do with my dad having compared me with others a lot.
i want to show him now that i am a unique being, uncomparable, lol, when i can only be 'unique' when compared to others.
-i want to have a feminine expression only for the sake of attracting men into wanting a relationship with me. it is interesting how this works in me: i have denied and suppressed my female expression, as flow, as creation, as self because i judged it as 'weak' (because of an event in the past). in this, taking away my expression, which is my REAL foundation, i actually MADE myself WEAK. then i search even more extensively for recognition of my femininity from a man/boy because i will not recognise it in myself as who i am. so what i ve done here is: i WANT and DESIRE to look feminine, so i realised that, when i look at other women, i look at them from desire 'i WANT what they have, i WANT their body', because when i look feminine, like other girls, i will get a mans attention, which is all i really want.
simple solution: accepting myself as who i am, as SELF EXPRESSION. just me. no more comparing pictures.

it is funny: i have BECOME the manifestation of a television! only pictures, only outside expression 'how does it look? how does it appear to be?'

-today i noticed another thing: i wore heals, shoes with high heals 'lady shoes'(as my mom refers to it). i was enjoying it at first, yet after a while i noticed that i was starting to feel 'guilty, bad, and 'wrong'', because of the femininity that high-healed shoes imply, i was feeling guilty for feeling and expressing femininity. i started to actually feel abused and weak. simply because my hips were 'swaying' from left to right and because i wore those heals (which implies weakness, as i was not exactly stable on them). so basically, i m quite the paradox: on one hand i WANT and DESIRE to be feminine, yet, within that i am actually pushing it away from me by not accepting it in me and by judging it (as weak and bad and wrong).
i experience that kind of femininity ( the behaviour) as MANIPULATIVE and it is that that i feel guilty about: actually feeling in the 'swaying' of my hips, how they move like a snake, hypnotising, manipulating and captivating the gaze of a man. the practical act of attracting a man. that s interesting

see: how i try to attract men, is very subtle, not using any sort of feminine behaviour or obvious behaviour. so i dont have to feel guilty about it, because i am doing it 'without me being aware of it', as if i dont know what i am doing, when in fact i know it quite well. that, even though it might not seem that way, all my movements are specific to try to get men to notice me as 'special, unique, interesting'.

now why do i feel that guilt in expressing femininity?
i suppose because i only use and abuse femininity for the sole purpose of attracting a man, so if i would actually take on the whole 'female behaviour', i would be confronted with my own weakness as DESIRE for a man (relationship with a man), because 'behaving like a female' would imply that 'i need a male to complete me'. yet, when i dont act like a 'female', i can still feel strong, because of how other people would see me (a strong, self confident, 'neutral', stable being)and i can hide my 'weakness' as the DESIRE for relationship with a man from myself under the layer of 'i appear to be strong', because it is the outside image and projection of 'a female' that i have defined as 'weak'.

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to hide my desire for a relationship with a man from myself by pretending as if 'i dont need or want or desire that' in my non-feminine behaviour

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that 'acting feminine' makes me weak, instead of realising that it is DESIRE behind it that i have allowed within myself that causes weakness within myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not want to face that desire within myself because that would mean actually realising and seeing who i ve allowed myself to become, as a weak being, controlled by DESIRE

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to fear seeing and realising the magnitude of the DESIRE for relationship with a man that i ve allowed within myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to hide behind my behaviour, as 'non-feminine', 'not attractive', so i can think and believe that i am a 'good person', someone who does not experience desire

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to manipulate myself and others by pretending to be the opposite of who i have actually allowed myself to become

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to use and abuse my feminine expression, only for the purpose of attracting men, to have a relationship with

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to feel guilty about manipulating men

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want to hide my guilt, to not want to be faced with the guilt, and therefore search for ways where i can keep on manipulating yet i can lie to myself and pretend that i am not doing it

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to lie to myself about what i am actually allowing myself to do and be

i forgive myself for allowing myself to not want to face myself 'underneith' all the lies and pretending

i forgive myself for allowing myself to regret having allowed myself to DESIRE relationship with men and therefore manipulate them into noticing me by pretending to be someone i am not

i forgive myself for allowign myself to desire recognition from others, so i can feel good about myself, so i dont have to be faced entirely with who i have allowed myself to become

i forgive myself for allowing myself to suppress myself as femininity as flow as creation as self expression and then want and desire from men that they 'fill up' that 'missing part' in me by giving me attention and recognition for my femininity
instead of me accepting myself within and as self expression

i forgive myself for allowing myself to open myself to abuse from men by suppressing my strength and self support as feminine expression
and then believing that men dominate me, because i go search for support from them

i forgive myself for not allowing myself to give myself support within expressing myself in and as self honesty in the moment

i forgive myself for not allowing myself to accept myself as self expression as femininity as flow as breath

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to separate myself from other girls by comparing my appearance with theirs
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to desire looking like other girls and women

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to on one hand desire looking feminine and on the other hand push it far away from me, because i feel guilt of using femininity only to attract men, because i dont see femininity in myself as self expression

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that femininity has a certain way, a form or a standard, that i have to be a certain way as a woman

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to look at other girls within comparing myself and to want their expression, because i do not accept me as self expression

i forgive myself for allowing myself to use my body only for the purpose of being attractive for men

for the only reason of satisfying my desire for relationship

i forgive myself for allowing myself to be controlled and directed by desire for recognition

i forgive myself for allowing myself to be controlled and directed by desire for relationships

i forgive myself for allowing myself to judge myself because of the desire

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that desire is 'bad, and wrong'

i forgive myself for allowing myself to suppress and hide desire under the lie and the belief that i am a good, pure, neutral being

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to suppress my expression as spontaneousness, flow, creativity, moment, feminine because of judging it as 'weak' and 'bad and wrong'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge the movements that i make

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to not want to make 'feminine/female' movements

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want to pretend as though i do not feel desire or attraction towards a man/boy

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to let my strength be dependent on how boys/men see me, on them recognising me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge feminine expression as weak

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge 'swaying' of the hips with a female when she walks as 'weak' and 'bad' when i do it

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to behave and move myself only to capture the attention from boys/men, for the only purpose of having a relationship with them

i forgive myself for allowing myself to separate boys/men from myself by wanting them to give me the support and recognition that i have not allowed myself to give to myself

i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel regret and shame about the things i have done from the startingpoint of DESIRE

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to place all my trust in my appearance, in the pictures in this world, to believe that 'if i look strong, i must be strong'

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to need a mans recognition to 'back up ' that illusion of strength that i ve allowed myself to use to define myself as

i forgive myself for allowing myself to define myself according to how and what a man says or thinks about me

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that another being can make me stronger or give me recognition, i must realise myself as strength and self recognition