2011 morality

what is morality?
with regards to the five youngsters in south africa beating up an 84 year old man for 200 dollars and leaving him to die of his injuries.

i believe and have always believed myself to have morality.
meaning that i am a good person.
i believe of myself that i would NEVER kill another being, at least not on purpose.
i would never rob another being or beat them up like those five kids did.
i believe that i simply do not have this behaviour in me, how could i ever do such a horrible thing, noo, i am too good to ever do something that awful.
here i compare myself with them and believe them to be bad and me not understanding why and how they could do what they did.... have they no conscience?!
i also feel afraid that this would happen to me, that this would even exist in this reality frightens me, and i am glad that it did not happen to me.

but what is good, and what is morality?
when can morality exist?
morality is a luxury that can only exist when you have money, then you can behave like a good person and do good things and then you can obey the system.
you have the means and goods to follow the system, to be like the rest of the people in the system, to follow the rules, because the money you have is enough to keep you feeling safe.
but when you have for some reason fallen out of the system, or the system isnt designed to include and support people in your situation, you can not earn the money you need to properly provide for your survival.
being in this situation you can see that the system does not include nor support you and that you dont even get the chance at a good life, while you see others that are being supported by the system, they have enough to live, they have money.

there is no motivation to be good, because the system is not being good to you.
good is a conditional expression, this means that you will only do good to another when you can expect them to do good to you.
friendliness is also such an expression, love, kindness, politeness, etc.. also

for example i will be friendly to someone and smile at them, say hello. but when i see that this person is not smiling back and they aren't friendly at me, then i get angry.
then the scale tilts and i end up in the other extreme.
where first i was friendly, nice and good, now i am mean and i hate this person because they did not express themselves towards me as i expected them to.

so if the system is not nice and good to you, you will not be motivated to be good and nice to the system.
when you see a system that doesnt care about you and leaves you in the gutter, why would you care about the system and those that are getting support from it?

this process that i am in at the moment is also a luxury because i have the time and the money to spend on internet, on knowledge. if i were living in a poor village in Africa, being exploited and abused from all sides, with nobody telling me that it could be different, i would be just as doomed as those five kids.
i only found out about process and self forgiveness and self honesty thru the internet. and it was because i had lived an easy life wherein i did not have too much stress to survive so i could question my existence.

so basically, the poorest in this world are truly fucked from all sides, with no way to escape but death

2011 Disney world inside

i live in a disney created world.
wherein i truly believe that the world is magical, fantastic, great and wonderful and good, which is the message of disney.
disney and television in general.
that says: yes there is terrible things happening in this world, but lets all be happy and gay!
i look at this world thru disney glasses, constantly feeling magical and special... like a fairy tale prinses.
me as the prinses, the centre of the universe, as the prinses or the prins is the centre of the movie, the main, most important being in the movie, in the land.

i ve become completely sedated and numbed by television, i dont even see reality anymore. not really. when i see people or animals being abused i delete it, i dont really see it as being real. i see it as if i m watching a television, a movie, where i do not participate, i just sit back and watch, that s what i ve become.

i dont act, i dont move. because i am too numb to actually sense and see what is actually going on, what terrible pains there is going on in this reality. even if i try i do not see it, not really. i dont want to believe it.
because for so long all i ve believed in is that the world is magical and that i am the prinsess in a magical and beautifull and special reality.

i dont want to realise, see and believe that everything is in actuality fucked up, that there is no goodness, no justice, no love, no magic, because those are the things that i ve always believed in as the truth. the truth that all is good. that the bad get punished and the good get rewarded. and everything that happens in this world that doesnt fit this belief, gets filtered out and i just dont see it, like blind spots.

i ve believed in the goodness of people, of myself, of this world. i ve trusted people, i ve trusted the system of people that we all live in. i ve trusted it to run my life just like my parents do and i trust my parents so there you go.

my whole mind consciousness is based on 'goodness', on the actual belief that i am good, that i am special, more special than others, and that reality is special, because that s how i ve always experienced it, since i was a little girl.
the belief that my experience is, for some reason unknown to me, better than the experience of the other kids in school. my feelings are for some reason more special and more important than those of the other kids.
this is the biggest lie in this reality, in myself. an absolute monster of a lie: the belief that i am superior, that i am better than another being.

unbelieveable how stupid we all are, so programmed by television.
so how do i deprogram myself?
how do i get out of my self created fake fairy tale world and into the actual real world?
how do i see beyond the lie?
i have to let go of all of myself, all of my world: my parents, my family, my stuff, my money, myself, my past, my future, my dreams, my ideals, my perceptions and beliefs.
i have to let go of all that i hold on to out of the desire to feel special, the desire to keep on believing in the disney fairy tale vision of reality, the desire to feel good, to believe myself to BE good.
because reality isnt good, it is only something that i ve allowed myself to believe, but it is not the actual reality, the actuality of this world, it is what and how i wanted to view this world, because of how i wanted to feel and experience myself... as a princess.

2011 standing up

i do not want to stand up as life
i never did

i would much rather stay an egoist, leaving the responsability to others, always just feeling good about myself.

while people and animals get slaughtered in ways that bring unimaginable pain that lasts forever. i m sitting here safely in my little world, my bubble, far from that pain, glad that i am not in the shoes of those beings. but this pain is real!!!!
and it is going on every second in this reality.

i have to stop myself!!!
i have to stop my selfishness!!! its been enough!
this is unacceptable of myself, for myself!
this is my reality, this is ME!!!!
what am i going to do about it?
am i going to stay numb and silent, too afraid to do anything at all?
untill i die?

when am i going to take responsibility? me, i, myself
not anyone else
when do i actually finally stand up and move myself, do something?!
when will i finally have enough of my own desires, of my selfishness, of this belief that i am the most important being, and as long as no harm gets done to me, the world is perfect.
when will i open my eyes to the abuse that i have allowed to exist within myself as this reality, this world?
do i really need this pain to be on my doorstep, to hit me?
do i need a hurricane to destroy my home, or a tsunami to kill my family?
do i need to get raped? do i need a holocaust, a bullet in my foot?
do i need to be put in a prison as a terrorist and be tortured?!
is that really what it takes for me to finally stand up?

does it need to get to that?.... because it will
if i dont get my ass in gear and stand the fuck up.... it will!!!
because this reality will not stop on its own, with me standing on the sidelines, waiting, as i ve always done, leaving the living up to others.

when will i realise that i do not exist and i never have, that i am not special, that i am not important, unlike what i ve always believed myself to be.
that my life is not unique and special, and the things i do and believe and think is not special.
and what other people may or may not think of me is not special
and my insights and opinions dont mean shit, compared to this reality and what is actually physically happening to the beings in it that are just like me, that are me!!!
will i really keep on believing that i am superior, that i am better than all those other beings because of this or that reason?!!
what reason could there possibly be for me to actually believe that i am better than those that get shot in a civil war? or those that get killed, abused, raped, hurt?
what reason, seriously???!!!
because i have money and they dont?
i ve been living for so long with my head stuck so far up my ass and in the sand, so unbelieveably blind. so blissfully, conveniently blind, because i could.
conveniently ignoring what is actually going on in this world.... because i could.
how could i have been so unbelieveably stupid, ignorant and dumb?!

living so far away from those that i see on the television or read about in the news papers, those that have suffered so much in undescribable ways, being so disconnected, because it isnt 'me'.
never seeing us as equals, one and equal in this reality, in this world.
i always felt like the victim, the weak one, the poor one, yet so special.
but the truth is exactly the other way around, the exact opposite of what and who i believed myself to be.

and i ve created and alternate reality for myself wherein i could still feel special, so far away from the rest of reality, from actual reality. in my little reality i can feel lucky and happy and good and it s all good and there are excuses everywhere for why i could keep on living like that. in actuality drifting further and further away from life, from what is the actual real reality, from myself as life as who i really am.

i cant believe i was selfish enough to do that, that i actually considered that as who i am.

so now i deserve every bit of what s coming to me.
i have to stand up. i will stand up, i stand up, i am standing up
i am here!!! and i stand!!!

2011 Lama in class

today i had a class from a lama from tibet, it is a two day breathing exercise workshop we have to do in my kinesiology course, given by a lama from tibet.

he talked a lot and we were all sitting in rows on meditation pillows on the floor and he s sitting there on his little pedestal. i felt extremely tired sitting there listening to him, most of us did. we were all looking up at him, litterally and figurally speaking and i didnt get thet feeling that i could just be myself. when he entered the room we all got up, i saw everyone get up, so i did the same because of group pressure, following the herd, some were even bowing their heds not looking at him with their hands together and some on the front row, a lady and her son, bowed even deeper which to me seemed a very obedient and inferior way of expressing themselves. i was wondering if this lama guy was expecting this from everyone. why bother doing that, as if we re not all just here, just people.

sitting there listening to him, i felt tired because i was feeling like i had to suppress my expression, myself, i felt that there were unspoken rules of behaviour that we all had to stick to in our expression out of 'respect' for the lama, like the getting up and bowing when he comes into the room.
at this school they seem to place some value on a teacher-student relationship. they say that it is important that you can devote yourself to a teacher, someone who is 'better, higher' than you.
when i talk about how i feel and experience myself towards my class and my teachter and i say that i feel better than everyone around me, which is the ego i ve allowed myself to become that always feels superior, then my teacher talks to me as if i am the only one feeling that way, in fact anyone i ve ever talked to about that reacts that way, as if they would never feel better than another. and yet i feel that in a lot of subtle ways this superior inferior separation is in a lot of things that they say. like the whole guru thing that they wrap this lama in.

and i get so attached to people so fast that i trust them and that i get afraid of actually standing up as myself and saying what i have to say. i always automatically create a relationship with everyone that i see with my eyes, it s scary. and within that relationship i trust that other person and i want their trust and agreement and validation and i see them as 'my fellow being', and i feel as though i need them, i need their friendship.

that s always been my main concern: friendships and relationships, how people see me, react to me, how i am in relation to others, as judgements, definitions, thoughts.

2011 here

ok, its been a loooong time since i posted something.
anyway lets get to it.

at this moment i see that i now believe that i will never be able to realise myself as life itself, that is just not for me. i am not worth it, i can not do it, as i can not really do anything, not really.
this is a very strong beliefsystem within myself.

i am now convinced of this because i had allowed myself to fall, about a year ago, into a relationship. i participated in all the shit you could possibly participate in when you re in a relationship with another being.
I allowed myself to get fucked up. it was a manifestation and expression of my own hate and loathing towards myself. looking back, i had to fall, it was an inevitability. and now here i am, still in the physical manifested shit that i created within and as my own allowed self dishonesty, so now i have to clean house which seems an impossible task as i am convinced that i no longer deserve self honesty and self realisation. i ve rejected life and so life has rejected me. i refused to stand up in the face of abuse because i believed the fear that i had allowed to exist within myself.

but in fact even before i fell i was designing my own fall by being affraid of falling, by not believing in myself and not trusting myself.
anyway, i cannot simply give up. i have to get up, as impossible as it seems, as much as i am convinced that i will never ever be able to simply accept myself here and that i have fucked myself up into oblivion never to find myself again here.

so, i realised this beliefsystem within myself. not only concerning my current situation but it has always existed within myself: the belief that i am capable of nothing. i can try and try and try to do it, achieve it, try to live up to expectations, ideals, images of how i believe i must be. but i will always fail and fall and then look down on myself and pity myself and feel desperate and bring myself down in my thoughts, telling myself that i always new i was going to fail, what was i thinking in the first place.

it is the same with this process, i failed, i fell and now i only reinforced the ideas and beliefsystems about myself that i have accepted and allowed to exist within myself that i am a failure and will fail in whatever i do.

i had such big ideas about myself in this process, about self realisation and self honesty and 'being who i really am', but i could not live up to them.

i am now at a point where everything around me and in me seems to dissolve or i dont even know what s going on.
i feel like i need someone to tell me that i m doing good, that i m on the right track, so i can feel good about myself, so i can feel safe, so i can feel like i m not going to hell and that nothing bad is going to happen to me.

i feel afraid of losing myself.
i feel like maybe i m at the point of actually realising myself here but then again do i deserve that, probably not.
do i want to be alone with myself? i never have and it has always been a struggle for me in this process with myself
eventually i gave in to my desire to be with another person because i never wanted to be alone with myself. but after a year and a half i ve finally had enough of my own bullshit way of living and i will face myself and my manifested consequences, whatever it takes
i imagine it will be sheer hell, i m afraid of it but ok

i m reading desteni posts again, which i havent been doing in a long time because i was afraid of the confrontation with myself. then i made up excuses and justifications to still make myself seem right. but i always new what i was doing and creating but i couldnt stop because i was too ashamed of myself and believed that i could never ever get up again, i accepted my death, my downfall, my doom, my non existence. in a way i believed that it would last forever and that i could just ignore myself, reality. i litterally lied to myself and believed myself out of convenience, as long as i could.
see in the beginning of a relationship everything is new and exiting but then it soon turns to pure shit. which it is now, it got to the point where i couldnt stand the sight of him.
i saw my worst side.
so in the beginning i allowed myself to be hypnotised by the glamour of this new found 'love', i was so dumb, it is even amazing how dumb i could allow myself to be and it was all based on fear, fear of not being worthy of existing and not being able to realise myself as life, so i thought i might aswell participate in this bullshit.

geets, kim

2009 love talk

can we deal with love?

we speak so much of love, but can we handle love? do we even know what love is? are we capable of loving? each other and ourselves.

for me, love has never really existed. i uttered the words 'i love you' a few times to my friends and family members, but i did not know what i was talking about. i might have 'loved' others, while i was abusive towards myself. i have definately never loved myself, in fact i hated my own guts.

i talked a lot about spirituality, enlightenment, beauty and life, as if i knew what i was talking about. i once had this experience during an LSD trip where i became 'one' with all of the energy, i became energy, which to me was 'love peace and understanding'. this triangle was all i could see. 'love peace and understanding' was all over the place, it was everywhere, i was so full of it that it started to sicken me. it was as though i had reached it, the top, the peek, this was it: the amalgamation with god, which is energy, which is absolute 'love, peace and understanding': the triangle. there was so much 'love' it was starting to bore me, too much 'loving energy'.

is love this energy? no
have i actually ever been able to love me? to look myself in the eyes, embrace myself? no
what does it meen to love another? it meens to be able to embrace this being, completely and i have never been able to do that. i wanted others to embrace me, i wanted them to love ME, but i would not dare to love them, to embrace them, because they might reject me, and i might get hurt, so i feared them instead. i push people away because they might do it to me, i fear what they might do to me, i fear the hurt i might be experiencing because of something that another does/says towards me. i'd rather have everyone adore and 'love' and worship me at a distance, that way i dont get hurt, i can just wallow in the thought that 'everybody loves me', 'i must be a rich being'.
what would true love be? in the first place, for love to be able to exist, i must be able to love myself, otherwise: if i do not accept love, than how can love exist?
love is definately not an experience that i can get from another, how could it be.

i could not get it from a drug (LSD), i cannot get it from sex. i am not even able to look another straigt in the eyes. i have these wild fantasies about the most amazing sex or about having a relationship, but if i cant even look another in the eyes, how could i ever share an intimacy with another, such as sex or a relationship. i suppose i am one of those people who turns the lights off when i m having sex, or who keeps it all under the sheets. i d keep the experience 'in the dark', where i know i m having sex but most of it is going on in the cinema in my mind, and i dont have to look the other being in the eyes, because i actually know i am abusing/using them, it is not love.

love is a self-experience, if there is 'another', there cannot be love

2009 fear and self direction

ok
it s been a while since i ve written on my blog. I dont have internet at home, that's the reason. i am now sitting in a building where you can use the internet for free. i was just listening to a cd on amazon and the lady who's in charge here came up to me and told me that 'we' have to work here in silence. i saw her come over and of course i knew that she would tell me that, because that's how things work in public places: according to rules, because i am actually the only one sitting at these computers. we think that this music is disturbing to 'the others' but we dont know. because we think it is disturbing to others, we ourselves become disturbed and aggrivated by it. it s like when a child is screaming and crying in a public place. the parents will become angry and annoyed at the child because they think that 'the other people' are feeling disturbed by the screaming of the child. i also feel annoyed by it only because i think that the parents are annoyed by it, i think 'please child stop screaming, because you're getting yourself in trouble'. actually what i see is a situation where i might have to stand up and speak, because i naturally assume that these parents will abuse their child, i assume this because of experience, and i fear speaking to people. often when a situation like this occurs, i will start feeling anxious and i start looking for a way out, so i dont have to be confronted, so i dont have to stand up.
i ve been feeling so locked up in my fear of people. when i hear the slightest sound of humans around me, i get tense and i litterally feel afraid, as if the sound itself could hurt me.
there' s not much to write, when i m writing on the internet i seem to not know what to write. i allow my thoughts to direct me too much, the whole time. thats why i never actually express myself, i never do anything, because i think the whole time. i am a 'thinker', a daydreamer, i spend my time in my fantasy, in my assumptions about what reality is, in my mind. i trust my mind so much to tell me what reality is, and of course my mind is all fears, so many fears about what could happen, about what reality could be, all those fears stop me the whole time, i cant DO anything, i feel uncapable of doing anything, i feel like a failure, as though i cant do anything. thats how i ve been feeling all my life: restricted and limited. always so afraid of 'other people'. and whenever this fear comes up, when there's people around, i immediately start distracting myself, looking for 'a way out' so i dont have to be confronted with all these absurd fears that exist within myself, with my own absurd inner reality. i put something in my mouth, a cookie or something, or i start looking at my hands or biting my nails or playing with my hair. to make it seem for myself that i've got important things to do, so i cannot speak to these humans, i cannot stand up, i cannot direct this situation now, i cannot express myself now, no, i have these more important thing to do, this cookie needs to be eaten now.

i am, this is what it comes down to, afraid of myself, afraid of my own expression, of my own words. and obviously that is very absurd. if i would stop distracting myself, i might just see how absurd my inner reality really is. afraid of the truth. this is what i have learned: to be afraid of the truth, to not express me, but to think twice before acting or speaking. to not flow, but to stop myself the whole time. to always apologise to people for everything i might have done or said wrong, to always think about rules that there might be and that i might have to follow, to consider what other people might be thinking or wanting.... otherwise i cannot live, i cannot exist in this reality.

what i have learned from my family is this: unless i lie, i cannot live. unless i suppress myself in every moment, i cannot exist. so i cannot be me if i want to live. i have to be someone else, better than who i actually am, i have to 'live up' to so many standards, otherwise i cannot exist in this reality: i will not be able to get a job, to earn money, to build up a life, to be successfull, to survive.
i have always been suppressing me, i never allowed myself to cry, to get angry, to get depressed or sad or aggrivated. it was as though i never even existed, all that i was was this fear, this huge fear within myself that i experience when i m around people. the fear of myself (as other people). i fear my own judgements towards myself that i project in other people.

when someone asks me a question, i dont answer as me, i give an answer that i believe i should be giving. i express myself as how i believe i should be expressing myself, i express what is 'normal', what answers to the apparent norm in this reality of what is 'good', the standard of life. i pretend to be a normal kid, teenager, adult. i try to be who i believe i m supposed to be, according to what my parents (especially my father) taught me. i am trying trying trying the whole time to be who i believe i need to be... normal... like the others.
but i always seem to fail at that.

i use my thoughts to coordinate my words and actions. my thoughts, which are 'the rules', that my family has taught me, as how i m supposed to see reality. especially concerning other people. for example 'dont do/say that, what will people think of you/us?!' 'think before you speak!!' 'dont do that, you're disturbing other people'.

people often tell me that i am so silent, shy. i always react with fear when they 'confront' me on that, it is what i ve always had to hear ever since i was little. i feel fear because i ve always actually believed that there is something very wrong with me because i do certain things apparently that i m not supposed to be doing or i m not doing what i m apparantly supposed to be doing. why am i not social? why dont i laugh a lot, like the others? why dont i talk loud and a lot like the others? why am i so silent?
i make up excuses when people adress me on these matters because i believe that i am actually doing something wrong, i never tell the truth, i never say it how it is, i never express myself. because no one ever told me i could, people have always told me that i have to be a certain way... not myself.

i am searching my expression here, there's lots that the mind comes up with 'i could do that', i could write this or that, but expression is not an effort, no thought, self expression is effortless, as easy as breath, it is not a trying. in this reality everything is trying, everyting is 'being better than who you actually are', 'trying to be better/ more than yourself' 'making something of yourself/life'. there is no must, there is no have to.

there is nothing.