2011 Lama in class

today i had a class from a lama from tibet, it is a two day breathing exercise workshop we have to do in my kinesiology course, given by a lama from tibet.

he talked a lot and we were all sitting in rows on meditation pillows on the floor and he s sitting there on his little pedestal. i felt extremely tired sitting there listening to him, most of us did. we were all looking up at him, litterally and figurally speaking and i didnt get thet feeling that i could just be myself. when he entered the room we all got up, i saw everyone get up, so i did the same because of group pressure, following the herd, some were even bowing their heds not looking at him with their hands together and some on the front row, a lady and her son, bowed even deeper which to me seemed a very obedient and inferior way of expressing themselves. i was wondering if this lama guy was expecting this from everyone. why bother doing that, as if we re not all just here, just people.

sitting there listening to him, i felt tired because i was feeling like i had to suppress my expression, myself, i felt that there were unspoken rules of behaviour that we all had to stick to in our expression out of 'respect' for the lama, like the getting up and bowing when he comes into the room.
at this school they seem to place some value on a teacher-student relationship. they say that it is important that you can devote yourself to a teacher, someone who is 'better, higher' than you.
when i talk about how i feel and experience myself towards my class and my teachter and i say that i feel better than everyone around me, which is the ego i ve allowed myself to become that always feels superior, then my teacher talks to me as if i am the only one feeling that way, in fact anyone i ve ever talked to about that reacts that way, as if they would never feel better than another. and yet i feel that in a lot of subtle ways this superior inferior separation is in a lot of things that they say. like the whole guru thing that they wrap this lama in.

and i get so attached to people so fast that i trust them and that i get afraid of actually standing up as myself and saying what i have to say. i always automatically create a relationship with everyone that i see with my eyes, it s scary. and within that relationship i trust that other person and i want their trust and agreement and validation and i see them as 'my fellow being', and i feel as though i need them, i need their friendship.

that s always been my main concern: friendships and relationships, how people see me, react to me, how i am in relation to others, as judgements, definitions, thoughts.