2011 here

ok, its been a loooong time since i posted something.
anyway lets get to it.

at this moment i see that i now believe that i will never be able to realise myself as life itself, that is just not for me. i am not worth it, i can not do it, as i can not really do anything, not really.
this is a very strong beliefsystem within myself.

i am now convinced of this because i had allowed myself to fall, about a year ago, into a relationship. i participated in all the shit you could possibly participate in when you re in a relationship with another being.
I allowed myself to get fucked up. it was a manifestation and expression of my own hate and loathing towards myself. looking back, i had to fall, it was an inevitability. and now here i am, still in the physical manifested shit that i created within and as my own allowed self dishonesty, so now i have to clean house which seems an impossible task as i am convinced that i no longer deserve self honesty and self realisation. i ve rejected life and so life has rejected me. i refused to stand up in the face of abuse because i believed the fear that i had allowed to exist within myself.

but in fact even before i fell i was designing my own fall by being affraid of falling, by not believing in myself and not trusting myself.
anyway, i cannot simply give up. i have to get up, as impossible as it seems, as much as i am convinced that i will never ever be able to simply accept myself here and that i have fucked myself up into oblivion never to find myself again here.

so, i realised this beliefsystem within myself. not only concerning my current situation but it has always existed within myself: the belief that i am capable of nothing. i can try and try and try to do it, achieve it, try to live up to expectations, ideals, images of how i believe i must be. but i will always fail and fall and then look down on myself and pity myself and feel desperate and bring myself down in my thoughts, telling myself that i always new i was going to fail, what was i thinking in the first place.

it is the same with this process, i failed, i fell and now i only reinforced the ideas and beliefsystems about myself that i have accepted and allowed to exist within myself that i am a failure and will fail in whatever i do.

i had such big ideas about myself in this process, about self realisation and self honesty and 'being who i really am', but i could not live up to them.

i am now at a point where everything around me and in me seems to dissolve or i dont even know what s going on.
i feel like i need someone to tell me that i m doing good, that i m on the right track, so i can feel good about myself, so i can feel safe, so i can feel like i m not going to hell and that nothing bad is going to happen to me.

i feel afraid of losing myself.
i feel like maybe i m at the point of actually realising myself here but then again do i deserve that, probably not.
do i want to be alone with myself? i never have and it has always been a struggle for me in this process with myself
eventually i gave in to my desire to be with another person because i never wanted to be alone with myself. but after a year and a half i ve finally had enough of my own bullshit way of living and i will face myself and my manifested consequences, whatever it takes
i imagine it will be sheer hell, i m afraid of it but ok

i m reading desteni posts again, which i havent been doing in a long time because i was afraid of the confrontation with myself. then i made up excuses and justifications to still make myself seem right. but i always new what i was doing and creating but i couldnt stop because i was too ashamed of myself and believed that i could never ever get up again, i accepted my death, my downfall, my doom, my non existence. in a way i believed that it would last forever and that i could just ignore myself, reality. i litterally lied to myself and believed myself out of convenience, as long as i could.
see in the beginning of a relationship everything is new and exiting but then it soon turns to pure shit. which it is now, it got to the point where i couldnt stand the sight of him.
i saw my worst side.
so in the beginning i allowed myself to be hypnotised by the glamour of this new found 'love', i was so dumb, it is even amazing how dumb i could allow myself to be and it was all based on fear, fear of not being worthy of existing and not being able to realise myself as life, so i thought i might aswell participate in this bullshit.

geets, kim