2011 standing up

i do not want to stand up as life
i never did

i would much rather stay an egoist, leaving the responsability to others, always just feeling good about myself.

while people and animals get slaughtered in ways that bring unimaginable pain that lasts forever. i m sitting here safely in my little world, my bubble, far from that pain, glad that i am not in the shoes of those beings. but this pain is real!!!!
and it is going on every second in this reality.

i have to stop myself!!!
i have to stop my selfishness!!! its been enough!
this is unacceptable of myself, for myself!
this is my reality, this is ME!!!!
what am i going to do about it?
am i going to stay numb and silent, too afraid to do anything at all?
untill i die?

when am i going to take responsibility? me, i, myself
not anyone else
when do i actually finally stand up and move myself, do something?!
when will i finally have enough of my own desires, of my selfishness, of this belief that i am the most important being, and as long as no harm gets done to me, the world is perfect.
when will i open my eyes to the abuse that i have allowed to exist within myself as this reality, this world?
do i really need this pain to be on my doorstep, to hit me?
do i need a hurricane to destroy my home, or a tsunami to kill my family?
do i need to get raped? do i need a holocaust, a bullet in my foot?
do i need to be put in a prison as a terrorist and be tortured?!
is that really what it takes for me to finally stand up?

does it need to get to that?.... because it will
if i dont get my ass in gear and stand the fuck up.... it will!!!
because this reality will not stop on its own, with me standing on the sidelines, waiting, as i ve always done, leaving the living up to others.

when will i realise that i do not exist and i never have, that i am not special, that i am not important, unlike what i ve always believed myself to be.
that my life is not unique and special, and the things i do and believe and think is not special.
and what other people may or may not think of me is not special
and my insights and opinions dont mean shit, compared to this reality and what is actually physically happening to the beings in it that are just like me, that are me!!!
will i really keep on believing that i am superior, that i am better than all those other beings because of this or that reason?!!
what reason could there possibly be for me to actually believe that i am better than those that get shot in a civil war? or those that get killed, abused, raped, hurt?
what reason, seriously???!!!
because i have money and they dont?
i ve been living for so long with my head stuck so far up my ass and in the sand, so unbelieveably blind. so blissfully, conveniently blind, because i could.
conveniently ignoring what is actually going on in this world.... because i could.
how could i have been so unbelieveably stupid, ignorant and dumb?!

living so far away from those that i see on the television or read about in the news papers, those that have suffered so much in undescribable ways, being so disconnected, because it isnt 'me'.
never seeing us as equals, one and equal in this reality, in this world.
i always felt like the victim, the weak one, the poor one, yet so special.
but the truth is exactly the other way around, the exact opposite of what and who i believed myself to be.

and i ve created and alternate reality for myself wherein i could still feel special, so far away from the rest of reality, from actual reality. in my little reality i can feel lucky and happy and good and it s all good and there are excuses everywhere for why i could keep on living like that. in actuality drifting further and further away from life, from what is the actual real reality, from myself as life as who i really am.

i cant believe i was selfish enough to do that, that i actually considered that as who i am.

so now i deserve every bit of what s coming to me.
i have to stand up. i will stand up, i stand up, i am standing up
i am here!!! and i stand!!!