donderdag 26 mei 2011

2011 Disney world inside

i live in a disney created world.
wherein i truly believe that the world is magical, fantastic, great and wonderful and good, which is the message of disney.
disney and television in general.
that says: yes there is terrible things happening in this world, but lets all be happy and gay!
i look at this world thru disney glasses, constantly feeling magical and special... like a fairy tale prinses.
me as the prinses, the centre of the universe, as the prinses or the prins is the centre of the movie, the main, most important being in the movie, in the land.

i ve become completely sedated and numbed by television, i dont even see reality anymore. not really. when i see people or animals being abused i delete it, i dont really see it as being real. i see it as if i m watching a television, a movie, where i do not participate, i just sit back and watch, that s what i ve become.

i dont act, i dont move. because i am too numb to actually sense and see what is actually going on, what terrible pains there is going on in this reality. even if i try i do not see it, not really. i dont want to believe it.
because for so long all i ve believed in is that the world is magical and that i am the prinsess in a magical and beautifull and special reality.

i dont want to realise, see and believe that everything is in actuality fucked up, that there is no goodness, no justice, no love, no magic, because those are the things that i ve always believed in as the truth. the truth that all is good. that the bad get punished and the good get rewarded. and everything that happens in this world that doesnt fit this belief, gets filtered out and i just dont see it, like blind spots.

i ve believed in the goodness of people, of myself, of this world. i ve trusted people, i ve trusted the system of people that we all live in. i ve trusted it to run my life just like my parents do and i trust my parents so there you go.

my whole mind consciousness is based on 'goodness', on the actual belief that i am good, that i am special, more special than others, and that reality is special, because that s how i ve always experienced it, since i was a little girl.
the belief that my experience is, for some reason unknown to me, better than the experience of the other kids in school. my feelings are for some reason more special and more important than those of the other kids.
this is the biggest lie in this reality, in myself. an absolute monster of a lie: the belief that i am superior, that i am better than another being.

unbelieveable how stupid we all are, so programmed by television.
so how do i deprogram myself?
how do i get out of my self created fake fairy tale world and into the actual real world?
how do i see beyond the lie?
i have to let go of all of myself, all of my world: my parents, my family, my stuff, my money, myself, my past, my future, my dreams, my ideals, my perceptions and beliefs.
i have to let go of all that i hold on to out of the desire to feel special, the desire to keep on believing in the disney fairy tale vision of reality, the desire to feel good, to believe myself to BE good.
because reality isnt good, it is only something that i ve allowed myself to believe, but it is not the actual reality, the actuality of this world, it is what and how i wanted to view this world, because of how i wanted to feel and experience myself... as a princess.

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