Hey there,
I'd like to share a fear that has always existed within me (maybe not ALWAYS, but definitely since I was around 12) - the fear of being 'ugly'.
This fear specifically was with regards to being judged by (back then) the other kids on the playground and from my class as being 'ugly' and 'unattractive', which also had a lot to do with 'there being something wrong with me'.
'Something wrong' would then be like not looking like how a 'normal girl' would/should look like, because I started to notice that the boys and girls were judging each other, and I of course went along with it. The boys would often even be really mean when they were describing a girl, especially about certain aspects of that girl that were apparently 'undesirable' and 'not good' - they would completely bash this person in their words and 'laugh at them' among each other, confirming just how 'not good' this girl was in their eyes.
And the girls would do pretty much the same amongst themselves about the other girls and boys - and the judgments were always basically about whether or not a girl was deemed 'feminine' enough and a boy was deemed 'masculine' enough according to certain standards and qualities/properties that apparently defined 'a woman' and 'a man'. Thus boys that had feminine aspects/qualities about their appearance and mannerism would be negatively judged and basically put down and rejected in the words we'd speak to describe them among ourselves and the girls that had masculine qualities and mannerism would be judged and rejected in the same way. For instance I remember overhearing a group of boys talking about a girl that had a 'mustache' (she had a little bit darker hair on her upper lip) - which then initiated my fear of 'having a mustache' because apparently boys actually notice, judge and reject this. So based on this particular memory, I would walk around my entire life with an immense fear of 'having a mustache' and especially of boys/men seeing it, thinking of various ways to effectively get rid of any dark hair that I may have on my upper lip.
And what is interesting is that eventually I would even physically manifest this fear, because I would notice some darker hair on my upper lip (not even that noticeable really) and immediately I'd start pulling it out, because I felt this absolute panic of being judged about it by boys/men - so obviously what happened is that the hair grew back, only darker, which caused me to panic even more and start pulling it out more fervently. And eventually now I have to continuously remove the hair on my upper lip because it tends to grow longer and darker than on the rest of my face. So this just shows how extensively this fear has been messing with my head
So, this 'fear of being ugly' is really a fear of being 'unattractive', of being 'rejected' by boys/men as a fear of not being able to have a relationship - which means to not be able to 'play the sex-game' wherein we all seem to be players and the girls that are deemed to be 'feminine' and the men that are deemed to be 'masculine', are glorified and get all the 'attention'/'prizes' and the ones who apparently 'don't fit the part' don't get to play and are then the 'social outcasts'. This is a seriously sad and messed up game that we're playing here within and as humanity!
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i am incredibly ugly. Fit body, but ugly as hell. I always was the ugly friend but that did not mather cause i am usually cold hearted towards love or crushes. In terms of sexual atraction, the same. I feel very low interest. That made me an exception and lucky in that way, otherwise i would have suffered a lot. But the real problem came later. In job interviews i have usually to compete with average, pretty or beautiful girls ( and i am nice, polite and well dressed, with style) but my face is so incredibly hideous (crooked nose, beady eyes, moles) that i think that my lack of luck in entering jobs is actually a result of the others disgust towards my face... i dont know what to do anymore. I taken courses i try really really hard i am a good office worker (but not a genious or outstanding professional, i am a good office worker but i can never abe an engineer or astronomy specialist, no way...when it takes to get an advantage towards pretty girls that could be an advantage, but is not). The myth of pretty and dumb, and ugly and genious is a lie. Theres exceptions, but i am, unfortunatelly, very very ugly and average intelligent... no advantages at all...Sometimes i think there is no place for me in this world. There is no solution. I am almost 33 years old and i want to accomplish my dreams, have a house and travell, i have done it all, but i am so lost right now...
Hey "Anoniem" - 'ugly' is a word that is used by the world system of capitalism to categorize human beings based on their 'fitness' and 'chances' within the 'human RACE' of 'survival of the fittest'. For the moment unfortunately this entire reality is a ruthless system that functions within the sole purpose of 'human evolution' wherein each and every one of us is but a pawn in this entire 'game' of 'humanity' wherein certain rules are apparently set by 'God', like for instance 'survival of the fittest'. This is obviously an illusion as the entire point of 'survival of the fittest' is only valid in the system of capitalism, that is completely set on 'weeding out' the apparently 'bad apples' (according to certain standards that have been established within and through for instance the media) - though if we were to change the system that directs society to for instance an Equal Money System (http://www.equalmoney.org), wherein each being would be supported equally, we would find that there is no 'game' anymore, no more 'human race' as the whole 'race' point only seemed real within capitalism. So, yes, for the moment this reality is not easy, though it is what we have allowed to exist through and within our collective participation in it and by believing it to be apparently 'created by God' and thus unchangeable (which it isn't). So I would suggest to, in terms of stopping the inner experience of 'lostness', visit Desteni (http://www.desteni.org) where you'll find support within stopping the mind as the 'inner capitalist system' that drive us all to despair and also check out the Equal Money system to realize what is possible if and when we stand up within the realization that the current way of existing is simply unacceptable and that we are capable of changing it for real into a system wherein all beings will live in dignity. Take care, Kim
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