2013 Changing a Fear Reaction towards a Person in Real-Time - Part 2

This is a Continuation of "2013 Changing a Fear Reaction towards a Person in Real-Time -- Part 1", where I wrote down the first step within the process that I am currently walking, as a new approach that I am testing in making the process of walking Self-Forgiveness and Self-correction as practical and effective as possible.

In the first step of my new approach to stopping a fear reaction to a person in real-time, I peeled off the first layer of separation, as all the thoughts, backchat and energetic experiences and reactions that I could identify within myself towards and connected to this specific individual - through firstly writing it out for myself on my computer so as to pinpoint what is actually coming up within myself that is creating the energetic experience and reaction of fear within myself when I see her, and then secondly taking those points of insight and incorporating them into a physical real-time application of self-forgiveness in moments when I see her and I see the energetic reactions coming up within myself.

And so, in my previous blog, I ended with how I noticed that, after this application, upon introspecting myself again in the context of my experience around this specific individual - there was still something there, as an 'experience' when I am in her presence,  which is the second layer of separation that requires further investigative writing.

What I then did, in this Second Step of Changing my Reaction and Experience towards this One Person, is again write out in a document on my computer what this reaction/experience consists of. And to more practically be able to do this - I had a look at what thoughts and energy came up within myself After I had been with or around her, because, in the moment that I am with/around her itself, I am so completely enveloped by the energetic reaction that I cannot see it clearly - and when I am sitting in front of my computer, the event and the experience has already past so it becomes difficult to recall what was happening in that moment. Whereas, when I check what is going on in my mind immediately after I have been in the specific reactions/experiences, I can more clearly see what I had been participating in.

For instance, what I found for myself was:

• the thoughts are:

Does she like me?

What does she think about me?

I hope I made a good impression

I hope she likes me

What if she doesn’t like me

I have to make sure that she likes me

Maybe she doesn’t like me

• The energy/feeling/emotion:

Uncomfortability

Fear

Uncertainty

Instability

Doubt

Petrifaction

• The physical experience:

Constriction in stomach and chest

Shortness of breath/holding my breath

After I had this written down - I proceeded with writing out the self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements. 

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am in X’s presence, react with the thought that ‘she has to like me’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am in X’s presence, react with the thought that she has to be my friend

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my relationship to and interaction with X within and as the polarity of like and dislike – and to therein experience myself within an energetic experience of desire for a relationship, within and as the thought that ‘she likes me’ and fear of being rejected, within and as the thought that ‘she doesn’t like me’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am in X’s presence, think ‘what if she doesn’t like me’, connected with the emotional experience of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the thought ‘what if X doesn’t like me’, connected with the emotional experience of fear – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the desire for X to like me is a preprogrammed thought/belief that I have accepted and allowed to be programmed within myself as what I have copied from my parents, as the belief/idea that ‘relationships’ are about ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ as an energetic polarity-game that is played between and among humans – wherein, I have accepted and allowed ‘relationships’ to exist within and as myself and within and as this world and reality, as an energetic experience as a feeding ground for the mind, rather than as a physical expression of Hereness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘relationships’ between humans within and as an energetic polarity of fear and desire, connected with the words ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ – by having allowed myself to define ‘relationships’ between humans within and as personal Survival, wherein I want other humans to ‘like’ me, as a way of creating the idea, belief and perception within my mind that I have a ‘network’ of ‘support’ within and as my ‘friends’ and ‘family’, as all the beings that ‘like me’, who will ‘help me’ to survive in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my relationship towards X within and as personal survival, by reacting to her, when I am in her presence, with the backchat that ‘I need X to be my friend so that I can survive in this environment/group’, connected with the emotional experience of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the self interest that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself as the desire for personal survival, behind the emotional experience of fear when I am around X – instead of being honest with myself about what is really happening in my mind, which is that i want to use X for my survival through creating and establishing a relationship based on 'Like' with her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am in X’s presence and when I see X, react with the backchat in my mind that ‘I need to make friends with X so that I can feel safe and supported’, connected with the emotional experience of fear – and to therein use X in the name of my personal survival in this reality --- instead of standing one and equal with X, and seeing X as myself – within and as the realization that I have allowed myself to create and manifest a reality of ‘survival’, by having allowed myself to separate myself from the beings around me, within and as a fear of survival, rather than caring for all the beings around me in oneness and equality with myself, based on the principle of doing onto another as I want to be done unto

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X, by reacting to her when I see her, and when I am in her presence, with the thought in my mind of what would happen to me if X doesn’t like me, and if I don’t have any friends, and if she were to reject me – within and as and connected to a fear of survival that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within --- instead of standing stable within and as the moment here, in oneness and equality with X --- and therein seeing and recognizing her as myself, and so communicate and interact with X as how I would like to be communicated and interacted with – and so therein, allowing myself to get to know X as who she really is as a being in oneness and equality with myself and so get to know who I am within and as X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as X, by having accepted and allowed a fear of survival to exist within and as myself in separation of myself – and by, when and as I see X, reacting within the fear of survival, connected with a thought of what would happen to me if X doesn’t like me, as an image of ‘blackness’/’darkness’, that I within my mind interpret as ‘death’ --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this image of ‘death’ within my mind, connected with the thought/backchat that ‘I will die if X doesn’t like me’, is a preprogrammed emotional experience and image/thought within my mind, wherein I have allowed myself to separate myself from myself as what exist here, as other humans, as X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the thought that ‘if X doesn’t like me, I will die’, connected with the image in my mind of ‘darkness’ that comes up as a thought, when I see X and when I am in her presence, by having allowed myself to connect the emotional experience of fear with the thought/image of ‘darkness’, and the backchat that ‘if X doesn’t like me, I will die’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a polarity to exist within myself of ‘life’ and ‘death’, by having allowed myself to connect the word ‘death’, with the image of ‘darkeness’ within my mind, and connected with the emotional experience of fear – and to therein have allowed myself to connect the word ‘life’, with the image of other people and connected with the energetic experience of desire --- and that I have therein accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as life, by having allowed myself to define ‘life’ within and as an image and an energetic experience, rather than seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘life’ as who I really am is all that exist here, which is undefinable, and not limited to a definition, an experience and/or a polarity – and that, the polarity of ‘life’ and ‘death’, connected with the energetic experiences of desire and fear as feelings and emotions, is a preprogrammed system-design that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself as a system of separation, wherein I have allowed myself to separate myself from who I really am as ‘life’ as all that exist here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word ‘survival’, by reacting with the thought that ‘I need a relationship/friendship with X in order to survive in this world’, when I see X and when I  am in her presence – and by reacting to this thought/backchat with the emotional experience of fear

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the desire for X to ‘like’ me, is entirely based on self-interest, as a fear of survival that I have accepted an dallowed myself to define myself within, and that thus my expression towards X, wherein I try to be ‘likeable’ and I try to get her to like me and enjoy my presence, is a lie, wherein I am manipulating X through presenting ‘false information’ within and as a false representation of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that, by defining relationships within and as a polarity of like and dislike, based on fear of survival, I have allowed myself to define relationships with other humans within and as Manipulation and deception – as I will change and compromise myself within my expression to manipulate other people in their feelings, thoughts and emotions, to try and get them to like me – wherein thus, I will completely misrepresent myself in order to ‘create/establish relationships’

Where, I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how these relationships with other humans that I believe I need for my survival in this world and reality, cannot in fact be trusted – as these relationships are entirely based on and defined within lies, deception and manipulation as what I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself as the starting point of the relationship-creation

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I have manifested and created the experience of fear, unsafety and insecurity within myself in relation to other people in my world and reality – by having allowed deception, manipulation and lies to exist within myself as the starting point of my relationships with other humans, wherein I have allowed a world and reality of deception and lies to exist without any real care, equal and one with what I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I create and manifest my perception and experience of my world and reality as what I see with my human physical eyes – through and within what I allow to exist within and as myself in relation to what exist, and thus what I accordingly accept and allow to exist within and as all that exist here as me – and that thus, the anxiety, fear and insecurity that I experience when I am around X and people, based on the fear of being disliked and rejected and so a fear of not being supported and thus not surviving, is because I have allowed a polarity of like and dislike to exist within myself as the starting point of my relation to other people, where I will push people away and reject people when I don’t like them, based on an energetic emotional experience, and only support and care for those that I ‘like’ within and as an energetic feeling experience --- where thus, this apparent ‘care’ and ‘support’ for others within myself cannot in fact be trusted as it is not based on principle and stability and unconditionality within myself, but on  an energetic reaction within and as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed en energetic polarity of like and dislike within and as emotional and feeling responses to exist within myself in relation to other humans – where, I will only ‘care’ for and ‘support’ those that I experience a positive feeling reaction towards within myself, and I will reject those that I experience a negative emotional reaction towards – instead of standing as a point of stability, reliability, unconditional support and consistency within and as myself in relation to all beings in my world and reality, and to within that, stand as a living example of what I would like for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed within and as the belief and idea that I need and require to have a specific group of ‘friends’ as specific people that I ‘like’ and that ‘like’ me, as my specific group of support in this world and reality – while ‘disliking’ everyone else that does not belong to ‘my group of friends’

And, I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how, within this, I have accepted and allowed a polarity to exist within and as myself of positive feelings, connected with the idea/thought that I am ‘with my friends’ and negative emotional experiences, connected with ‘the world outside that is not part of my group of friends’ – wherein thus, I have allowed myself to in fact create and manifest the belief and thought within myself that I need and require to have my group of friends to support me in this world and reality, and to protect me from all the ‘other people’ in this world that I have connected a negative emotional experience with --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have created and manifested the desire for friendship as the desire for support in this world, because I have allowed myself to define every other human being in this world as ‘my enemies’, within and as the emotional experience of Fear that I have allowed myself to define myself within, where thus, I am in fact wanting and desiring ‘protection’ from myself as what/who I have allowed myself to be and become within and as myself as a self-interested and untrustworthy individual who makes decisions that affect other beings, based on emotions and feelings as ‘like’ and ‘dislike’, rather than on the principle of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself  to see, realize and understand that when I behave and express myself towards other beings from the starting point of wanting them to like me, where I step into the pleaser character and try to give them a positive feeling – wherein I am supporting their ego, I am not in fact standing as a point of support for who they really are within and as themselves as equal and one with myself, as I am actually in fact manipulating and deceiving them to get what I want from them, which is their support, within and as them ‘liking’ me --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, that any point of perceived ‘support’ that exist within and as an energetic experience of feelings and emotions, is not actual trustworthy support --- and that, within this, I am manifesting the consequence of the experience within myself of constant uncertainty, insecurity and fear that they will for some reason suddenly ‘not like me anymore’ and so fear of thus losing my ‘support’

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that ‘support’ cannot be in fact real when It exist as an energetic experience within my mind, connected to a thought, when it can suddenly ‘stop’ or ‘disappear’ or ‘shift’ or ‘change’ – and that thus, by placing my trust in how humans feel or think about me, whether or not they ‘like’ me, I am in fact giving my real self-support away by not trusting that which is unconditionally, consistently, constantly HERE as the physical reality, the physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to create a relationship based on ‘like’ with X  and to therein try to find out what she likes and what she is like, so that I can express myself and be like her, so that she would like me --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how I am within this, creating and building a relationship with her based on lies, manipulation and deception and that I am within that, creating the experience of insecurity, fear and uncertainty within myself when I am around her, because subconsciously, I know that I cannot trust this relationship based on ‘like’ as it exist within and as deception, manipulation and lies

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that ‘friendship-relationships’ where I experience a ‘connection’ with another human being, and believe and think that they care for/about me and support me – is in fact based on lies, deception and manipulation that I use to get people to ‘like’ me and feel attracted/interested to/in me – where thus, the ‘support’, ‘care’ and ‘connection’ that I experience with them is in fact only a thought/idea and experience in the mind  that isn’t actually real as it is not based on who I really am  within and as myself, but on an idea/picture/image that I present of myself  within and as extensive self-comprimization

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I see X, react with thoughts in my mind that ‘she has to like me’, connected with the emotional experience of tension, anxiety and fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X by, when and as I see her, react within and as the emotional experience of tension, anxiety and fear, connected with the thought of ‘what if she doesn’t like me’ and ‘she has to like me’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I see X, to react within myself with memories of relationships with girls from my past and how I would always experience and define the relationship within and as a polarity of fear that they won’t like me and desire for them to like me, connected with the polarity experience of fear, anxiety and tension and excitement, connection, friendship and companionship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the memories of how I experienced myself in relation to my ‘friends’ as other girls in the past, within and as the energetic polarity of fear and excitement, connected with backchat of ‘they have to like me’ and ‘what if they dislike me’ – and to therein express myself within and as the polarity of fear that X will dislike me and desire for X liking me, where I compromise myself within and as my expression by trying to deliberately act in ways to play into X’s feeling reactions towards me, and to therein limit myself within and as myself and my expression, by interacting with X based on preprogrammed patterns of experience and behavior that I have copied from my parents, rather than standing stable within and as myself and get to know and discover who I am, through getting to know X as who she is, by not allowing myself to be directed and influenced by preprogrammed inner experiences of fear and desire and backchat within how I approach her and interact with her, wherein I will always only see and experience what I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as my mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed preprogrammed experiences with regards to ‘relationships’ with other women that I have copied from my mother, to direct, determine and influence me within and as my interaction and relationship with X – instead of standing stable within and as breath within and as myself and get to know who I am within and as my interaction and relationship with other women and see, realize and understand that thoughts, feelings and emotions that come up within myself when I am around other women, is always a pattern of behavior and experience that I have copied from my parents when I was a child and that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself by having allowed myself to become a complete copy of my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed energy as emotional and feeling reactions to thoughts and backchat to determine and define who I am in relation to other women, like X – as a preprogrammed pattern that I have allowed myself to copy from previous generations through following the example of my parents --- rather than standing as the self-directive principle within and as myself and giving myself a chance to get to know who I am within and as myself as life --- and so get to know, discover and explore who I am within and as my relationship with other humans, by standing stable within and as breath within and as the moment HERE, and through investigating the thoughts and feeling/emotional experiences that come up within myself and so for myself actually directly see what is real and what is preprogrammed patterns of knowledge and information and experiences

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to investigate the thought/backchat in my mind that ‘people have to like me’ and the belief/thought that ‘I need friends’ and ‘people have to want to be my friend’  - and so therein define myself within and as the emotional experience of fear, connected with the thought/backchat that ‘people don’t like me’ and the experience of excitement/desire, connected with the thought that ‘people like me’ --- and so never having accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand  that I don’t actually need people to like me, as ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ is based on a preprogrammed system of survival within and as the mind, wherein I am seeing and experiencing reality from a very limited perspective, only seeing what I want to see, within and as the polarity of ‘people like me’ or ‘people don’t like me’, and where I am not seeing reality as what it actually is by not placing myself in the shoes of other beings and in that, seeing who they are within their life and so see the totality of their being and where they stand within and as themselves, rather than only seeing a tiny piece/part of them within and as the thought of ‘they like me’ or ‘they don’t like me’, wherein I am completely consumed by self-interest, placing myself as the centre of the world/universe and believing that  all that matters in reality is how people think and feel about ‘ME’ --- instead of actually caring about all of Life that is here, one and equal with myself, and within that, seeing, realizing and understanding that, when I allow myself to value how people think and feel about me, within and as the desire for them to like me and the fear that they would dislike me, I am in fact allowing and justifying self-interest within beings, rather than standing as a point of common sense, self-honesty and self-responsibility, according to and within the principle of what is best for all – and to therein thus express myself from the starting point and within a Principle, and not an energetic experience based in self interest, within and as the realization and understanding that expression based on principle can be trusted as it is consistent, constant and stable in every moment, serving all as life unconditionally equal and one, whereas, expression based on experience as thoughts and energy, cannot be trusted as it is constantly fluctuating according to the whims of thoughts and energy that only serves self-interest

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am justifying self-interest by defining myself within and as the energetic polarity of the desire for people to like me and the fear that people won’t like me – as I am, within and as this polarity honoring, respecting and supporting thoughts and feelings within human beings as well as myself within my attempt to make them ‘like’ me and to avoid them ‘disliking’ me – rather than honoring, respecting and supporting life in oneness and equality through standing as a living example of what is best for all and so expressing myself in interaction, communication and relation to other humans based on a principle of applying common sense in investigating all things and aligning all things to establishing a world and reality, and relationships that are best for all life on earth --- wherein, rather than compromising myself and adapting myself to what people ‘like’ within and as their thoughts, backchat and feelings, I stand stable within and as myself and apply common sense in not allowing self-interest in another as myself

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for life on earth within and as my environment as what exists here – by defining myself within and as an energetic polarity within my mind as the desire for people to like me and a fear that they won’t like me, wherein I accept and allow self-interest as separation within other human beings and so within this world and reality, and so accept and allow the manifestation of consequence here within and as life on earth --- by not standing within and as principle, in taking responsibility for all life that is here, in ensuring that the expression of humanity is aligned with what is best for all life and is thus not consequential --- so as to prevent harm from being done unto life as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like myself within and as defining myself within the desire for other people to like me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I am in fact rejecting myself within trying to get other people to accept and like me – wherein thus, I am manifesting the experience within myself of ‘being rejected’ and so, am creating the desire within myself of being accepted/liked by other humans --- instead of liking and accepting myself first and foremost within and as the realization that I am responsible for my experience within and as myself  and I am the starting point of my experience of and within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that, when and if I allow myself to define myself within and as the thought of ‘X has to like me’ coming up when I see her – that I am in fact actually saying that ‘I don’t like myself’ because I am willing to compromise, suppress and change my expression and who I am within and as myself so that another person would feel positive about me – and within that, abdicate who I am within and as myself entirely and so make the statement that I have no respect, regard or care for life within and as myself  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no respect, regard or care for life within and as myself, by accepting and allowing myself to desire being liked by X, and by therein being prepared to compromise, suppress and change myself within and as my expression in this reality and within myself completely in order to please her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate all self-respect and regard and care for myself by defining myself within and as the thought that ‘X has to like me’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X by believing that I need X to exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X by defining myself within and as the thought that I need X’s friendship to exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X by defining her within and as a positive energy charge and by defining myself within and as a negative energy charge – and therein believing that I need X to ‘be better’ than myself --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that X is one and equal with myself as life within and as myself and that I do not in fact need X’s friendship to exist because I exist HERE, and because the friendship that I desire from X, in fact actually exist as an image, an idea within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the image in my mind of ‘friendship’, where I see people together, by connecting that image with the experience of desire --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how I have allowed myself to create an idea within my mind around ‘people who are together’ as an image that I see with my eyes, where I believe and interpret that ‘togetherness’ within and as an energetic feeling/experience – and therein experience myself within and as an energetic polarity within myself in relation to the image that I am seeing with my eyes of people --- rather than seeing, realizing and understanding  that other people that I see with my eyes are one and equal with myself, and that thus, people that are together, are not ‘better’ or ‘superior’ to myself, because the experience of superiority is something that I have created within and as my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the idea that I have created around ‘togetherness’ and ‘friendship’ within my mind, by connecting the image of ‘being together with X’ , with an energetic experience of superiority and excitement and positivity – and by therein defining myself within and as the experience of desire, connected to the image of ‘togetherness’ and the energetic experience of positivity and excitement – instead of taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself as ideas, interpretations and perceptions of what I see with my eyes, based on knowledge and information and experiences that I have copied from my parents and previous generations and seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘friendship’ within and as the energetic experience that I have defined the word ‘friendship’ in my mind, doesn’t actually exist, as it is a concept and idea that I have created in my mind within and as an energetic polarity --- wherein I had separated myself from what I see with my eyes as myself and had created the illusion and perception that what I am seeing within and as ‘other people’ is bigger/more than myself, rather than realizing myself as one and equal with what I see as others as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within an energetic polarity relationship to X as the image of X that I see with my eyes – by defining her as ‘superior’ and ‘more’ within my mind, by having allowed myself to define X, within and as an image in my mind where I see X with other girls connected with the backchat that ‘everybody loves her’ and ‘she has no trouble making friends’ and ‘she is accepted by other people’ --- instead of seeing X as who she really is, as a life form that is one and equal with myself HERE, and therein accepting myself as who I really am as life

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed the idea and belief that ‘people have to like me’ to exist within myself in separation of myself by defining the idea that people have to me within and as the experience of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what would happen if people didn’t like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing people away and people pushing me away through my behavior – and therein fear ‘losing’ people, and fear the experience of regret within myself that I have pushed people away and have therein pushed away my chance at friendship and all the positive experiences of connection, togetherness, warmth, comfort, joy and happiness that I have allowed myself to connect with the idea of ‘friendship’ --- and to therefore always continually suppress myself within and as my expression and always try to present and behave and express myself as ‘the good person’ and ‘a likeable person’ and ‘a kind/nice/friendly/social/likeable person’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest an energetic polarity within myself around ‘social behavior’ and ‘being social’ --- by on one side try to be social and likeable so that people would like me and so try to ‘pull’ people to myself --- and on the other side experience resistance towards ‘social behavior’ and ‘being around people’ and ‘being nice and friendly and polite and sociable’ --- wherein I have allowed myself to create consequences for myself within my world – by then deliberately pushing people away by going into the negative polarity of resistance and pushing and rejecting and giving up, where I in my backchat go ‘I don’t need you people’, ‘im better off alone’, ‘I m done trying’, ‘I m just not a social person’, ‘I like it better to be alone’, ‘I m just not good with people’, as all the justifications that I create within my backchat/thoughts to justify me pushing people away as a reaction to the experience within myself of desire to be with them and ‘have them’ and be close to them --- instead of realizing who I am within and as myself, one and equal with other people, and therein realize ‘relationships’ with other people, as a self-expression rather than a possession and possessiveness within and as an energetic polarity of fear and desire, of pushing and pulling

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘who I am’ within and as myself within and as an energetic polarity experience of excitement and depression in relation and reaction to other people – where, on one side my backchat goes ‘they have to like me’, ‘I need them to like me’ and on the other hand, my backchat goes ‘I don’t care’, ‘I don’t need anyone’, ‘I ll just be alone’ --- wherein I have trapped myself within and as a polarity of ‘being together with people’ and ‘being alone’, rather than seeing, realizing and understanding that I am in fact always alone within and as myself, whether I am physically around other people or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘being alone’ within and as the thought of ‘not being around other people’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘alone’ within and as the fear of not being around other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘being around other people’ within and as the experience of desire – by defining ‘being around other people’ within and as a positive experience of happiness and joy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the backchat that ‘I must have a relationship with people and I must be around people so that I can experience this happiness and joy’, connected with the experience of desire

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the experience of joy and happiness that I see projected within the thought of ‘being around/with other people’ by having allowed myself to define myself within and as the experience of Desire with regards to being around and with other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire ‘possessing’ people within and as the desire to be with them and ‘have them’ as my friends – instead of realizing myself as one and equal with human beings and seeing them as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the desire to be around and with people and to be close to people behind the fear that they will see this desire within me and then reject me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the desire to be close to people and be around and with people and ‘have’ and ‘possess’ people as my ‘friends’ and ‘partner’ behind a deliberate picture presentation of myself as a ‘nice, kind, sociable, friendly and shy person’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself about who and what I have allowed myself to become within myself as the desire for relationships with people as a possession that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself – by having allowed myself to define ‘who I am’ within and as the thought and picture presentation of myself as a ‘nice, loveable, sociable, friendly person’ --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this picture presentation is an utter lie as the reality of myself is that all that I am as what I have become is the desire for relationships as what I have allowed myself to hide within myself

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to realize myself as HERE, AS this reality, where I am never alone as I am always in all ways HERE, with all that exist here—where, there exist no such thing as ‘rejection’, and ‘rejection’ is an idea in the mind that isn’t in fact real, and neither is ‘acceptance’ – in terms of that Acceptance is always HERE, as the physical reality and existence of myself on earth, where I am always ‘together’ with all beings that exist here --- where, the idea of togetherness that I have  created within my mind, connected with an image of people who are laughing and touching each other, and talking and ‘having fun’, and a positive energetic experience/value, is not in fact real, as ‘togetherness’ is not in fact defined by energetic experiences or ideas in the mind, but rather by the fact that the very physical existence that is HERE, is the manifestation of ‘togetherness’, where all physical manifestations that exist are Together HERE on planet earth --- where, this togetherness is not positive nor negative, it is a Living Fact, as How it simply is and what/how things simply are

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect an energetic experience of excitement and arousal and anxiety with ‘being physically together with other people’, by having allowed myself to assign a positive value to the word and idea/concept of ‘being together with other people’, within and as how I have allowed and accepted myself to define the word ‘togetherness’ within and as a physical proximity and touch with the humans that I see with my eyes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘togetherness’ within and as the word ‘belonging’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘belonging’ within and as a positive energetic value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘belonging’ within and as a polarity of ‘acceptance’ and ‘rejection’ based on thoughts and energy within the mind --- wherein I believe that I ‘belong’ with specific Groups of people if and when they accept me within their judgments thoughts and feelings in their mind, and that I ‘do not belong’ with them if and when they do not accept me within their inner thoughts and feelings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the desire to ‘belong’ with people, as an energetic experience connected with a thought in my mind – and that I have therein allowed myself to define ‘belonging’ within and as an energetic experience that only exist in the mind and is thus not real

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and recognize the word ‘belonging’ within and as its actual real physical meaning, in line with its existence within and as this physical reality – where the word ‘belonging’ simply indicate  how a specific physical manifestation in this physical existence is part of a specific group of physical manifestations – where, this ‘belonging’ doesn’t in any way imply an energetic experience as a feeling, it is simply a physical observation of physical facts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a polarity to exist within myself within and as my mind, of ‘belonging’ and ‘being rejected’ – as a preprogrammed interpretation of reality from the minds perspective, that only exist with the purpose of generating energy – by/through connecting the words ‘being rejected’ with a negative value and the  Negative energetic experience of Fear, and connecting the word ‘belonging’ with a positive value and the positive energetic experience of excitement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed within and as the mind to look at and interpret and experience reality that I see with my eyes, within and as an energetic polarity of ‘belonging’ and ‘being rejected’, in relation to other humans – and to thus therein define myself within and as the energetic polarity of fear of being rejected and desire to Belong --- instead of seeing and realizing that this polarity of being rejected and belonging as a negative and positive experience, doesn’t actually exist and is in fact a consequence of how the human has allowed human society as ‘life on earth’ to exist within and as survival – where ‘belonging’ is assigned a positive value as ‘belonging’ is defined within the word ‘survival’, and the idea that ‘one has better chances at survival when in group’ – where thus the words ‘being rejected’ is associated with the experience of fear of not surviving --- and where thus, I am not existing within and as oneness and equality with the physical reality, which is that I am HERE, thus I ‘belong’ with and as all that exist as all of existence, because I exist HERE – where thus, ‘being rejected’ or ‘rejection’, within and as the physical reality, simply refers to the physical act of returning something or sending something back  - as in ‘Return-Ejection’, where one Eject something/someone from ones person/group/environment and Return it from where it came – where thus, the word ‘rejection’ in itself is not Negatively charged – it has only become negatively charged within my mind because I have allowed myself to associate ‘being rejected’ with a personal desire for survival and so with an emotional experience of Fear

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if and when I allow myself to define myself within an energetic experience of fear in relation to the word ‘rejection’ and ‘being rejected’, based on a personal fear of survival, connected with the thought that ‘if people reject me I will not be able to survive on my own in this world’ – then I am accepting and allowing the current world-system to exist as a system of Survival, a system of Fear, where every being exists in fear of being rejected by other humans, which in turn creates manipulation and deception within humans and human relationships where humans try to ensure and protect their Position in ‘the group’ so as to ensure their personal survival in this world and reality

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the fact that if and when I allow a fear of being rejected to exist within myself, as a fear that I will be pushed out of the group of humanity and Life and that I will not be able to survive on my own – that, within that, I am accepting and allowing and creating a world and reality where this ‘rejection’ that I fear actually exist --- as, within and as the fear within myself, I am in fact stating that ‘yes, this exist here in this reality’, and thus I am accepting and allowing it to exist by reacting to it --- rather than standing within the principle of oneness and equality as what is best for all – and stand as a living statement that I do not allow a system/existence to exist where beings are cast out and rejected from the group and left out to starve and die without any form of support, within and as the principle of doing unto another as what I would want to be done unto --- where, I stand as a point of absolute, unconditional and total support for all physical manifestations in this world and existence, to ensure that all life as me is cared for and supported and thus able to survive in this physical world and reality

                                                                                                                                                 

Self-Commitment

When and as I see X and I see the experience of excitement come up within myself, connected with the thought that 'X has to like me' - i stop and breathe, and i see, realize and understand that if i allow myself to follow this thought and the energy, that i would compromize my expression in that moment by trying to manipulate X into liking me, and that i would therein accept and allow my relationship with X to exist within and as lies and deception - and thus  in fact create the fear of being rejected within myself, as i have based my relationship with X on me rejecting myself and the idea/belief that X would reject me if i wouldn't submit to manipulation to 'pull' her in to liking me

where thus, i commit myself to take responsibility for what i am creating within myself, my world and my reality - through the energetic desires that i allow to exist within myself - where i realize that, by desiring X to like me, i am in fact creating the experience and fear of rejection within myself --- as the desire to be liked is based on a fear to not be liked and an assumption that X doesn't actually like me for/as who i really am and that thus i have to change myself to manipulate her into liking me

where thus i commit myself to, within taking self-responsibility, interact with X from the starting point of me accepting myself as who i am, and the realization that if and when i believe and think that X will reject me or has rejected me, that this is an indicator that i have allowed a desire to exist within myself for X to like and accept me - as a desire to experience a specific Positive Feeling that i have connected with the thought that people 'like me' - where thus, the interpretations of X's behavior or expression that 'she doesn't like me' would be a reflection of the polarity that i have allowed to exist within myself  -- where, within the very desire for her to like me, i am in fact saying that She doesn't actually like me, which i am then seeing projected within her expression towards me, which is thus only myself as who i have allowed myself to be and become within and as myself

so, when and as I see the experience of fear and insecurity come up within myself connected with the thought 'what if X doesn't like me', when i am around or when i see X - i stop and breathe - and i see, realize and understand that the experience of insecurity and fear in relation to X  is what i use in my mind to hide the self-interest behind that i am actually participating in in relation to her --- where, i see, realize and understand that the only reason that i feel insecure and fearful and tense when i am around her is because there are things of and within myself that i am attempting to hide from her, such as a desire to manipulate her so that she would like me and so that i can experience a positive feeling within my mind that i have connected with the thought that 'people like me'

and so, i commit myself to practice and walk the process of mastering and developing integrity and self-honesty within my expression when i am around X - where i stand within and as the principle  of what relationships between humans should be, which is a point of mutual support and assistance, a point of honoring and respecting each other within and as who we are - and thus not a power play of manipulation and deception in the context of personal survival, that only furthers a fear of rejection and a distrust towards all humans

i commit myself to stand as a trustworthy human being through not allowing myself to hide personal backchat and desires towards others behind fear - but rather be honest about the self-interest that i have allowed to exist within myself, and find ways to stop the dishonesty that i have allowed within myself in my relationship to other beings, and thus within this world 

When and as i see the thought that 'she will reject me' connected with the experience of panic and petrification come up within myself when i am with X - i stop and i breathe - and i see, realize and understand that this is a preprogrammed experience that i have programmed within myself through defining myself within memories where i believed/thought that people had rejected me and i experienced myself negatively, that i have not allowed myself to take responsibility for and so have never seen, realized or understood that this experience is a part of myself that i have separated myself from through reacting to it with fear and thus fearing the experience of fear

where thus, i commit myself to, rather than run from the preprogrammed experience of fear that comes up within myself when i am with X, stand stable and breathe and apply self forgiveness in the moment when i see that i am not stabilizing myself effectively through breathing -- and therein stand as the living statement that i will not allow rejection to exist within myself as an emotional experience of separation based on 'dislike', because i realize that within that i would be accepting and allowing rejection based on emotional reactions of 'dislike' to exist within all of life as me that exist here on earth and thus accepting and allowing a world and reality to exist where there exist no real unconditional support within human relationships towards each other and other life forms and relationships end up existing within and as humans abusing each other for personal survival --- which, i will not accept within myself as all life here

i commit myself to stand as a point of unconditional support by not allowing fear and/or desire to exist within myself towards and in relation to X and so not allowing myself to separate myself from X - and allow myself to get to know X as who she is as a part of myself as life Here - and thus allow myself to explore what unconditional support in oneness and equality really implies



So, this was the second step of changing a fear reaction towards person X, where i have uncovered a second layer of separation as thoughts, feelings and emotions within myself.  After this process, I again tested my application by investigating myself within and as how i experience myself in relation to person X, when I am in her physical presence. Where, I noticed that there was a definitive change in the point of wanting her to like me, and I found i was much more comfortable in my expression when i was with her.

However i could still detect some movement within myself towards her - which is the next layer of separation that i will be walking and sharing in my next blog.


To be Continued...




For more Context and specificity in walking the Steps of practically Changing a Fear Reaction towards A Person in Real-Time - Watch my Vlog "2013 Changing A Fear Reaction towards A Person in Real-Time - Part 2"

                            

2013 So you want to know the Truth about Adolf Hitler?

There's this documentary called "Adolf Hitler: The Greatest Story Never Told!", which supposedly tells the 'true story' behind Nazism and the Second World War. I say 'supposedly' because, even though the writers and producers of this documentary have educated and documented themselves very well and make quite a mindbogglingly strong case against the knowledge and information, that in comparison is very limited and inadequate, that we learn in school about what went down during the Second World War, what Nazism and their persecution of the Jews was all about and who Adolf Hitler was as a person - it still remains a Story that someone is telling us based on 'facts' that someone is handing to us in documents, pictures and other material. Just like the history of our world that we have learnt and memorized during our school years, is also a 'supposed' history - because, it is some story that some people told us about what went on in some time, for some reason, along with all the supposed and apparent 'evidence'.

And so, because of the 'supposed' and 'apparent' nature of the stories about history - I will not be wasting my time on arguing for or against which version of history is correct and which one is incorrect, who is telling the truth and who has been lying all along. What I will address here however is the very underlying condition that exist within each one of us that would make it possible for all these 'supposed' truths in the form of Stories to infiltrate our minds to such an extent that we would put it on a pedestal within our mind as 'the ultimate truth', as 'our reality' - where, for instance, one would very easily be inclined to Believe the version of the truth as presented in this documentary because of all of the 'proof' that is being presented and then go into an experience of 'shock' or 'disbelief' with regards to considering how our trusted history books and thus also every history teacher and consequently the entire schooling system has been manipulating and deceiving us all along by telling us a false version of History.

Where then we will become some kind of advocate for 'the truth', the 'Real' Truth - set out to 'expose' the liars and tell the Real Story behind History to the Masses. Apparently so that everyone will know 'the truth'. Though - what we are not seeing or realizing, in all these emotional responses to this apparent 'exposing of the truth', is how again, it was not in fact ourselves who saw, realized and understood how this world functions and what is really going on behind the curtains of society and our world events - it is, like it was in school with our teachers, just people telling us a story About Reality where we in good faith place our trust in their integrity and honesty with regards to the story that they are telling us --- we Believe the story and then go and react emotionally towards it, within becoming angry with this or that character in the story, feeling sympathetic with this or that character, judging this character as good and that character as evil, etcetera - where the story then becomes a part of ourselves as how we experience ourselves in relation to our understanding and perception of the world and reality we exist in.

I mean, when you consider, as shown in the documentary, how human beings are capable of twisting, manipulating and altering the story of history and have nearly every person in their respective country of influence actually believe that story so completely that it becomes part of who they are and their entire society's way of living. Where, here, it doesn't even matter whether or not this is what actually happened - the point that I am making is that it is possible, that it is very possible that what we believe our history to be is completely false, that we have in fact been deceived and duped into believing in specific versions of 'the truth' about our own history, for the soul purpose of serving specific hidden agenda's of people that control the means and the media to hijack the minds of massive groups of human beings in such a way.

Because, if we have been deceived, duped and manipulated into trusting, believing and following specific preprogrammed knowledge and information in this way once - surely it is very likely to happen again. Meaning that, no matter what version of 'the truth' about History and Reality we are being told, as long as we do not take responsibility for and direct our tendency to believe, trust and follow another person's Story without actually investigating reality for ourselves and see what is Here Directly from within ourselves, we are in fact allowing ourselves to be Brainwashed. Where then, the concept of 'truth' isn't even really valid - when our perception and experience of what is 'truth' is based on the Stories that we choose to Believe in and not our own insight into reality that doesn't require another person to tell us about it.

And so, it is this condition that has been conditioned within ourselves, that is in fact the root of all lies and deception - the fact that we would allow ourselves to trust and have faith in what other people tell us rather than trusting our own investigation into the reality that is Here.

Why do I say that this Condition has been 'Conditioned' within ourselves? Because, it should have been the Schooling System and the Family System/Structure to teach us and support us to develop the skill of self-trust, the skill of Questioning and Investigating all things - of Respecting ourselves, being Honest with ourselves and taking Responsibility for ourselves and our reality. Instead, the Schooling and Family System Conditioned us to never question anything, and to always blindly follow, believe and trust anything and everything that we are being told by others - and thus helped manifest the current Human Condition of absolute Powerlessness towards what is busy happening in our world and reality due to a lack of real insight and understanding of how things really work.

And so, what happens - when we for instance watch documentaries such as "Adolf Hitler: The Greatest Story Never Told!", and we feel shocked and angry that maybe everything we have ever been told by the ones that we trusted the most has been a Lie --- we go into Confusion, because now: Who or what is it that we can really trust? It has all been a lie, so what do we do now? And then all we are left with is a sense of powerlessness, anger and despair. All of which does not serve us in any way in our practical day to day living/existence in this physical reality. If anything, these emotions will prompt us into making decisions and doing things that cause us to marginalize and/or isolate ourselves from society and our environment and so sabotage ourselves from dealing with the reality that is Here in a real and practical way.

Because, as we are busy reacting emotionally to the Story that we were told and the apparent 'Injustice' of it all - we are missing out on the physical reality that is moving in every moment right here under our very noses, that has got nothing to do with the Stories that we believe around and about it -- and we lose track of what is actually Real, which is our every day physical reality and living, and Not the Stories and emotional experiences that we have attached to it within our mind.

Where thus, the responsibility for reshaping and restructuring our world to be and become a reality that is Best for all living beings - lies for a great deal within the schooling system, the teachers, and the parents --- to change their starting point from conditioning Children to blindly abdicate their power to trusting and believing in stories, towards supporting them to Developing Self-Trust and an Investigative and Explorative Inner Being that will enable them to direct their environment in ways that are based on Real Insight and Understanding of How Reality actually Functions and exists. So that we may become a living understanding of our own history, rather than having to be told who we are in relation to What our History is. So that, within this, History may become a practical tool as a point where we may actually learn from the mistakes that were made so as to design create ourselves according to what is Best for All Life on Earth.


Investigate the Equal Life Foundation that stand for an unconditional investigation of All things from the perspective of creating viable and sustainable solutions for our World -- And support a Living Income Guaranteed - to help establish an economic platform through which all may have access to proper education and Living Conditions.

2013 Miley Cyrus and the Justification of Greed

This is a continuation from my previous blog about Miley Cyrus, "3013 Miley Cyrus "We Can't Stop" Satanic Transformation is Our Creation??!" wherein I shined a light on how we use Celebrities, within the stories that we create about them and how they live their lives, where they will be 'loved' by some and 'hated' by others, and where we all will have an opinion about them in one way or the other -- to in fact entertain ourselves and deliberately give away our power to this apparent 'influential'/'powerful'/'wealthy' individual, so as to divert the attention away from ourselves and our personal responsibility with regards to how we are literally creating everything that exist in this world - including the lives of these 'Celebrities' like Miley Cyrus.

Where, in this blog, to share a perspective on the new Trend that is now taking over our Media Landscape and occupying the minds of the 'Populous' - in the form of the Miley Phenomenon and her new 'transformation', which I have already taken on largly in the previous blog from the perspective of how this 'transformation' that is being obsessed over in the Media, actually has got nothing to do with 'Who' 'Miley Cyrus' is as an Individual but rather about who we are as the Consumers of the Drama that is being displayed in our magazines and Gossip-programs/television-shows and how we as human beings have allowed ourselves to become within and as ourselves, and what we accordingly allow to exist in our world and reality, within and as the lives of our 'Celebs' for instance.

In this article "Was Miley in on the joke? Cyrus calls her controversial VMAs performance a 'strategic hot mess' in new MTV documentary" - where Ms. Cyrus 'explains' her overall frowned-upon half-naked and highly suggestive performance at the MTV Video Music Award show in August, within the words:

'I was born to become who I am right now ... I'm at a point in my career where I can be exactly what I want to be, who I want to be.'

'I have this freedom to do whatever I want, because I'm starting as a new artist now,'

 'Every time I do anything, I want to remember, this is what separates me from everybody else.'

 'You're always going to make people talk, you might as well make them talk for two weeks, rather than two seconds.'

What is interesting within this, if one take into consideration how the human mind works, is how these statements that she made is basically Justifications and Explanations around the main point, which is her Performance, her actions and behavior as what she actually physically lived out within this reality, as that which can be seen by All. How the human mind works within this context is how we will use our Words to talk ourselves and others into believing that our actions were in some way 'just' or 'right', to make ourselves feel 'righteous' about whatever it is that we have done.

I mean, here in the case of Miley Cyrus and her Performance at the MTV Awards, she is now being confronted with much criticism from practically all sides around how her performance was not according to 'moral standards' and how, within that, she was/is not setting a proper example for the children around the world that she is standing as a role model for and thus not taking responsibility for her position as an Artist in this world with regards to the influence that she may have on young people's minds.

And so, just as what happens in every single human beings' mind when it is challenged within its Design/function/existence, she will have all these Statements at the ready, which is like a Wall of Words that she's built up around her Persona that serve to protect and Defend her idea of Righteousness (which is inherent to the Identity-System that exist in each and every single Human Being in this world in the exact same way) - like: "I have the right to do whatever I want, because of this or that reason", "this is how I was born", "this is why I do this or that", etcetera.

This is how we use Reasoning to be able to not actually look at and investigate our actions and thus take responsibility for our actions and who we are as a physical expression here in this world - and to thus, very neatly, brush off any criticism, remarks or comments that comes our way with regards to our expression/actions/behavior and just carry on with whatever it was that we are doing -- because, within ourselves, we don't actually want to see, realize or be confronted with the possibility that 'who we are' may be 'wrong', in terms of how this would mean that in some way or form a punishment will ensue, according to how we have all been programmed during childhood within and as the Punishment-Reward System.

This is though not to say that Miley Cyrus was in fact 'wrong' in what she did and how she acted/behaved nor that the Media and other People criticizing her on that behavior were 'right' - I am sharing this perspective here to expose, show and reveal exactly how it is that we as human beings have created and manifested ourselves within and as our Mind in such a way that we have perfected the ability to completely abdicate any form of personal responsibility towards our own actions and words in this World and Reality -- and how we will accordingly allow these Celebrities such as Miley Cyrus, which is actually human beings that stand in a position of Great responsibility towards Humanity, to do exactly the same: Act and Behave in complete and utter Self-Interest, creating a backlash of Consequences that ripples throughout Humanity, and then Justify their actions in the name of 'Free Choice', as the apparent 'freedom' or 'right' to 'Choose' to be Greedy, Selfish, Ignorant, Self-Centered, Abusive, Misleading, Manipulative, Deceptive, etc..

And that is why and how, while we are criticizing, disapproving and condemning Miley's actions, behavior and expression - we aren't actually stopping or preventing it from playing out in any way what so ever --- which implies that we are in fact approving, honoring and applauding what she is doing. Because, what she stands for is our own self-interest, our own greed, ignorance and selfishness that we aren't willing to let go of and that we continue justifying through our words - in exactly the same way as what Miley is doing.

Where then, at the end of the day, the only principle that exists in our World and Reality, according to what we are accepting and allowing to exist, is Self-Interest at the expense of All and Everything that Exist. And where, it's our own words as Sentences that we speak that become the Wall around ourselves in which we have Sentenced ourselves to the Confinement of Ego, and don't even see the Reality around us anymore. I mean, did you know that there are many humans in this world who actually make the statement that the physical reality isn't real and that all that is real is what you create in your mind with your own thoughts and feelings?! That is the extent of how we have isolated ourselves within our Self-Interest, the extent to which we have lost any and all connection with this Real-Live Physical Existence, with each other, with the earth, with nature, with all that is real as all that is HERE, right in front of our very Eyes, every God Damn Day.

Investigate Solutions, Join Desteni - and Cure yourself from the Disease that is Self-Interest. Find your way back to Planet Earth and stand up as a Living Example as a Real Human That Cares for Life.

To be Continued...

2013 Changing a Fear Reaction towards a Person in Real-Time -- Part 1

In this blog I will walk through how I approached and am in the process of approaching the process of Writing, Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction in Practical Application - and thus, what Practical Application in the context of walking process entails.This to make process and so 'Self-Change' as real and practically lived and realized as possible.

So, in this application I specifically had a look at a general experience of Fear that I had identified within myself and that I was having trouble walking through - namely a Fear of People. I had walked this fear in writing and speaking self-forgiveness before and yes, I had accumulated some insights around it, yet it would still come up when I am in a large group of people or just talking to someone that I've just met or even have known for a little while.

And so, in this new practical approach, I went into the specifics of my practical physical every day reality, and looked at just One point within it where the fear would come up. I took the person in my everyday environment that triggers the most reactions of fear and anxiety within me when I am in their proximity and/or talking to them - and on a Word Doc on my computer I wrote out various points/dimensions of and within my experience of/around them - I looked at:

1. How do I experience the reaction to them when I see them on a physical level? Here, I had a look at my physical reaction when I see the specific person - which, for me was a constriction in my chest and stomach area. This will be a point of reference for me when I am walking the practical application of releasing the point - in seeing whether or not the physical experience of constriction in stomach/chest area will go down and/or disappear
2. Where/how in my memories have I created an Idea about Who this person is within my mind where I have made her 'more' than who she is, that I am now allowing to stand in the way of me getting to know who she really is as a being? And so here I wrote down all of my memories where I interpreted specific information about her, I reacted to her and/or I had backchat about her in my mind, that contributed to this image/idea that I now have of 'who she is' in my mind. For instance, I found, in looking into these memories and the specific information that i reacted to, was where I saw her living something that I secretly desired to 'have' and 'experience' within myself, such as a relationship or getting attention from males, where, in those moments, my backchat went like "Look at her, she thinks she's so much better than everyone because she's getting attention from that guy", and the energy attached to that backchat was jealousy, anger and spitefulness. Here then, I further investigated where this backchat, connected with the experience of jealousy/anger/spitefulness was coming from, applying self-honesty, and I saw that within my mind I was feeling inferior to her because I had defined myself within the idea that 'to have a relationship is more valuable and superior than not having a relationship', wherein I had compared myself with her and judged/defined myself as being 'inferior' to her because I did not have a relationship and she did.
   This point of investigating the memories first was quite cool, as it seemed to allow me to see more clearly what is really going on in my mind when I now see her, as all the hidden backchat and reactions within myself that I had been building up within my mind over time. Where, within this, I could also see how the experience of Fear and Anxiety when/within facing or seeing her in fact serves to hide all this backchat behind, as the 'truth'/'reality' of who I really am within my mind that I did not want to see or realize about myself

So, with these points written down, the next day I would go over to immediate practical application of applying self-forgiveness in the moment that I am seeing her and I see/experience the reactions of fear/anxiety, with the physical experience of constriction in chest/stomach area, come up. Writing out the Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective statements on the memories, I can do at a later time - what I am focusing on here is the practical application of actually Stopping the Energy/Reaction/Experience in the moment, in Real-Time.

The next day, I was walking outside heading out to do my morning duties, I saw her (X) in the distance. As I was approaching her, and I saw the automatic reaction of Fear and Anxiety within myself, I started speaking self-forgiveness silently to myself, specifically:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and anxiety when seeing X

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the experience of fear and anxiety to hide my backchat about X behind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself about the fact that I am Judging X within my backchat by hiding myself behind fear

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself about the fact that I actually feel jealous of X because of how I have allowed myself to judge her appearance as what I am seeing with my eyes

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X by judging her from the starting point of the desire for a relationship that I have allowed to exist within myself, and therein judging her as superior to myself because she has a relationship and because i have allowed myself to give value to 'having a relationship'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X in my backchat for the experience of inferiority that I experience within myself in relation to her by thinking that 'she thinks she is better than me because she has a relationship and I don't', connected with the experience of anger and resentment --- instead of taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself as preprogrammed value-systems wherein I am judging her on her appearance, according to what I have allowed myself to assign value to within my mind, rather than getting to know her as who she is as a being, equal and one with myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to get to know who X is as a being, by reacting to her within and as preconceived ideas and judgments that I have created within my mind about 'who she is' according to the value-systems that I have allowed myself to copy from my parents and have allowed myself to define myself within

Etc...


Within this application in the moment, I could already see and experience the energy becoming a lot less, where, as I then was standing close to her, doing my work, I felt much more comfortable. And, within that, I realized how all that fear and anxiety that I had been experiencing towards her, was all based on an idea within my mind that I had created and manifested there myself, and was all just not real, as was showing within the fact that, by/within speaking the self-forgiveness statements, it just, for the large part, 'disappeared'.

Each time I saw her again, I would check myself to see if there is any fear and/or anxiety coming up within myself, and I would again speak Self-Forgiveness on the thoughts, backchat and reactions that I could identify within myself towards her in that moment.

So now, when I am in her presence, most of the reactions of Fear and Anxiety are gone - though, upon investigating the point again, I found there was still some points of reaction where I am for instance not quite completely comfortable enough to go up to her and just casually start a conversation.

The next step within walking this process of practical application will thus be to further investigate the energy that is still there and the thoughts and backchat connected to it, and so walk the process as described in this blog again, until there are no more reactions.

In the next blog I will be writing out how I walked through the Next phase/step.

Also, watch my vlog where I expand more on how I have walked this process: