zaterdag 12 oktober 2013

2013 Changing a Fear Reaction towards a Person in Real-Time -- Part 1

In this blog I will walk through how I approached and am in the process of approaching the process of Writing, Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction in Practical Application - and thus, what Practical Application in the context of walking process entails.This to make process and so 'Self-Change' as real and practically lived and realized as possible.

So, in this application I specifically had a look at a general experience of Fear that I had identified within myself and that I was having trouble walking through - namely a Fear of People. I had walked this fear in writing and speaking self-forgiveness before and yes, I had accumulated some insights around it, yet it would still come up when I am in a large group of people or just talking to someone that I've just met or even have known for a little while.

And so, in this new practical approach, I went into the specifics of my practical physical every day reality, and looked at just One point within it where the fear would come up. I took the person in my everyday environment that triggers the most reactions of fear and anxiety within me when I am in their proximity and/or talking to them - and on a Word Doc on my computer I wrote out various points/dimensions of and within my experience of/around them - I looked at:

  1. How do I experience the reaction to them when I see them on a physical level? Here, I had a look at my physical reaction when I see the specific person - which, for me was a constriction in my chest and stomach area. This will be a point of reference for me when I am walking the practical application of releasing the point - in seeing whether or not the physical experience of constriction in stomach/chest area will go down and/or disappear
  2. Where/how in my memories have I created an Idea about Who this person is within my mind where I have made her 'more' than who she is, that I am now allowing to stand in the way of me getting to know who she really is as a being? And so here I wrote down all of my memories where I interpreted specific information about her, I reacted to her and/or I had backchat about her in my mind, that contributed to this image/idea that I now have of 'who she is' in my mind. For instance, I found, in looking into these memories and the specific information that i reacted to, was where I saw her living something that I secretly desired to 'have' and 'experience' within myself, such as a relationship or getting attention from males, where, in those moments, my backchat went like "Look at her, she thinks she's so much better than everyone because she's getting attention from that guy", and the energy attached to that backchat was jealousy, anger and spitefulness. Here then, I further investigated where this backchat, connected with the experience of jealousy/anger/spitefulness was coming from, applying self-honesty, and I saw that within my mind I was feeling inferior to her because I had defined myself within the idea that 'to have a relationship is more valuable and superior than not having a relationship', wherein I had compared myself with her and judged/defined myself as being 'inferior' to her because I did not have a relationship and she did.
    This point of investigating the memories first was quite cool, as it seemed to allow me to see more clearly what is really going on in my mind when I now see her, as all the hidden backchat and reactions within myself that I had been building up within my mind over time. Where, within this, I could also see how the experience of Fear and Anxiety when/within facing or seeing her in fact serves to hide all this backchat behind, as the 'truth'/'reality' of who I really am within my mind that I did not want to see or realize about myself
So, with these points written down, the next day I would go over to immediate practical application of applying self-forgiveness in the moment that I am seeing her and I see/experience the reactions of fear/anxiety, with the physical experience of constriction in chest/stomach area, come up. Writing out the Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective statements on the memories, I can do at a later time - what I am focusing on here is the practical application of actually Stopping the Energy/Reaction/Experience in the moment, in Real-Time.

The next day, I was walking outside heading out to do my morning duties, I saw her (X) in the distance. As I was approaching her, and I saw the automatic reaction of Fear and Anxiety within myself, I started speaking self-forgiveness silently to myself, specifically:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and anxiety when seeing X

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use the experience of fear and anxiety to hide my backchat about X behind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself about the fact that I am Judging X within my backchat by hiding myself behind fear

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself about the fact that I actually feel jealous of X because of how I have allowed myself to judge her appearance as what I am seeing with my eyes

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X by judging her from the starting point of the desire for a relationship that I have allowed to exist within myself, and therein judging her as superior to myself because she has a relationship and because i have allowed myself to give value to 'having a relationship'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X in my backchat for the experience of inferiority that I experience within myself in relation to her by thinking that 'she thinks she is better than me because she has a relationship and I don't', connected with the experience of anger and resentment --- instead of taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself as preprogrammed value-systems wherein I am judging her on her appearance, according to what I have allowed myself to assign value to within my mind, rather than getting to know her as who she is as a being, equal and one with myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to get to know who X is as a being, by reacting to her within and as preconceived ideas and judgments that I have created within my mind about 'who she is' according to the value-systems that I have allowed myself to copy from my parents and have allowed myself to define myself within


Within this application in the moment, I could already see and experience the energy becoming a lot less, where, as I then was standing close to her, doing my work, I felt much more comfortable. And, within that, I realized how all that fear and anxiety that I had been experiencing towards her, was all based on an idea within my mind that I had created and manifested there myself, and was all just not real, as was showing within the fact that, by/within speaking the self-forgiveness statements, it just, for the large part, 'disappeared'.

Each time I saw her again, I would check myself to see if there is any fear and/or anxiety coming up within myself, and I would again speak Self-Forgiveness on the thoughts, backchat and reactions that I could identify within myself towards her in that moment.

So now, when I am in her presence, most of the reactions of Fear and Anxiety are gone - though, upon investigating the point again, I found there was still some points of reaction where I am for instance not quite completely comfortable enough to go up to her and just casually start a conversation.

The next step within walking this process of practical application will thus be to further investigate the energy that is still there and the thoughts and backchat connected to it, and so walk the process as described in this blog again, until there are no more reactions.

In the next blog I will be writing out how I walked through the Next phase/step.

Also, watch my vlog where I expand more on how I have walked this process:


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