donderdag 11 augustus 2011

2011 spirituality--desire for experiencing the light and beauty of god

i was watching spiritual video's on youtube, made by lightworkers, wherein brahmans chant mantra's and shining 'beautiful' pictures were shown of some beautiful hindu god, speaking of light of god descending on earth upon the minds of men, etc.
i felt an attraction to it, on one hand i judge it from a 'desteni' standing point wherein i believed myself to stand above lightworkers and spirituality because it is self dishonest and me being 'self honest', i see that now, so actually looking down on myself as what i used to participate in, in the trips that i used to take on mushrooms and lsd, in which i experienced the absolute beauty of the light, that was the manifestation of my desire for an escape from my own life which was shit, every day, every moment. so in spirituality i experienced hope that there was something like god who is completely loving and accepting and forgiving and light, as all those nice things that i ve never in my life experienced within myself. i ve always only experienced fear and anxiety my whole life, i really did experience my life as shit... until i got to know someone who showed me the wonderful world of drugs and experiences of the mind of light and love and sex and all that shit. with him i felt so wonderful, like all my dreams came true, he was my light, my everything that i was always missing in my life... and now it was right here in front of me. i couldnt believe it

i did everything to keep him in my world, i felt very desperate, i needed him, i got hooked on that wonderful experience that i felt when i was around him, he made me feel sooo good. so i could not lose him. but i did eventually, no matter what manipulation techniques i used. and i was left all alone with myself and my self loathing, i got so incredibly depressed that my body was all in pain. it hurt to even be awake and breathe, physically. all because he was no longer in my life, he had rejected me. i did consider killing myself but i didnt really want to die because then i would really be alone with myself, then there is really no hope anymore of ever being with him at all, so i didnt kill myself.
i just felt a lot of self pity.

i still think about him sometimes, still hoping to meet him again one day, still hoping to someday experience what i did, because i have allowed myself to suppress this experience within myself so much that i have to go looking for it outside myself, in light and songs and drugs and sex and getting recognition... in spirituality

so when i was watching the youtube videos i experienced a desire towards it, a desire to get sucked into the light. i judged the pictures as 'dishonest' based on my being a 'destonian' now wherein i just adapted the 'opinions' and way of looking at reality from desteni, but within this shows only my desire to belong to something, a higher goal, to have some escape from myself. a hope that somehow something will take me to a higher experience of love and light and acceptence as what i ve never actually experienced within myself.

i forgive myself that i ve accepted and allowed myself to judge light and love as dishonest by defining myself to the desteni group wherein i change my vision on reality to look like them so that i will not feel alone which just states my desire for light and love and peace and understanding, in the form of desteni, as just something that will take me away from myself
i forgive myself that i ve accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i ve just traded being a lightworker for being a destonian but it s all the same thing, it s all based on my desire to not be alone with myself, to escape from myself, based on the hope that there is something outside of myself that can save me from the shit experience that is within myself
i forgive myself that i ve accepted and allowed myself to resist lightworkers and light and love as words and pictures in this reality because i want to be 'right' according to the group that i ve defined myself with within my desire to have an escape from myself and wherein i automatically, as a preprogrammed reaction, adapt and change myself to look and behave and talk more like the group that i now believe that i belong to
i forgive msyelf that i ve accepted and allowed myself to deny and suppress the expression of light within myself
i forgive msyelf that i ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress the expression of love within myself
i forgive myself that i ve accepted and allowed myself to search for the experience of light love and understanding and peace
i forgive myself that i ve accepted and allowed myself to not accept love peace and understanding within myself, as equal and one with myself as the natural expression of myself that doesnt need something else to be ok
i forgive myself that i ve accepted and allowed myself to fear realising myself as one and equal with love light and understanding and all that because i fear doing something 'wrong' according to desteni as bernard as the group that i ve allowed myself to define myself with within wanting to be saved and escape myself here
so i fear being rejected by the group and thus not being saved

Geen opmerkingen: