2011 the illusion of comparison

in my life i've extensively been comparing myself with other people. i ve always looked at other people living their lives, often wondering 'why can't i be like that? Why isn't my life 'perfect' like theirs? Why aren't i having fun like they are?'. i saw all of the things that they had and i did not, like a relationship, lots of friends, a charismatic and charming personality, social skills, spontaneity, good looks, and i asked 'why?!' to god or whoever was responsible for my apparent 'shit' experience within my life, 'why is life so unfair?' i asked.

within this process of realising myself as life thru self forgiveness and self honesty i was doing exactly the same thing: comparing myself with the other beings in process and seeing all the things that they seem to do 'better' or 'faster' than me. i was looking at their process and their 'skills' and applications and often it made me feel lost and doubtful about my own application. which is basically what i ve been experiencing my entire life.

and then i wake up one day, finding myself in a job that i dont like but have to do, afraid of the world, locking myself up in my home, afraid of people and myself, feeling lonely and feeling as though i have no capabilities and have absolutely no practical skills in this reality. obviously my first reaction is to look at other people and go 'why can't i be like that? Why can't my life work out like that? Why, why, why...'. but then, while applying self forgiveness on this point of feeling inferior and lost and incapable, i realised an eye-opening point, i realised that all i ve been doing my whole life is looking at other people's lives. i ve never been aware within the steps i made within my life that led me to whare i stand at this moment because i was too busy minding my bussiness with other people's steps.

and within this comparing myself, i'm actually keeping myself from even noticing my own life and what is happening to it and what i am doing. i m not noticing that these moments wherein i could be taking my life into my own hands and actually 'make it work' by being aware of the moment and the consequences of the steps that i am taking in the moment, what i m actually doing is blindly following someone else who is now apparently taking responsability for my life so that i can spend all of my time comparing myself and my life that is passing me by to other people's lives, feeling sorry for myself, not realising that this is how i am actually creating the 'mess' that is my life, that i then compare to someone else's life, like a vicious circle.

i can apparently use this 'comparing myself to others' as an excuse for not taking responsability for my life, because as long as i m looking at someone else, i m not looking at and seeing myself, thus not seeing my responsability towards myself as my life in every moment of breath.
Anu told me 'Kim, you do realise that you are alone in this process?' and at that moment i didn't understand what he said, but now i see it.
i am completely alone responsible for every step that i take, every breath that i breathe, because what i do in each moment here has a consequence that will manifest as my life in the future that will also be a moment here. comparing myself will not assist or support me at all, it will only keep me trapped within the feeling and the belief that i am incapable and inferior and lost, and within that creating a 'fucked up' experience for myself within and as my life.

it is something that is 'hard to believe' or fathom because i ve lived my entire life believing that this experience of life as me apparently existing within a group of people, apparently not alone and apparently not responsible for how i experience myself, was real. this belief was the entirety of my mind, my personality, my identity, the one thing that kept me from ever realising who i am as HERE, as ALONE, as the directive principle of life. how could i have been living this lie for so long? How could this life that i've been living, being convinced that this is 'the way it is' and that this is 'who i am' and 'what reality is', have been just a lie? that's not possible. it's a hard thing to face.




If you are ready to face yourself as the mind and write yourself to freedom, rebirthing yourself as a new being that in fact Lives for Life and can start acting in a way that will support the establishment of a New system for a New World, then join Desteni I Process and investigate Equal Money.

Thank you.

http://desteni.co.za
http://equalmoney.org
http://desteniiprocess.com