2011 'I am a sheep --Am I a sheep?'

the reality of myself is that i ve allowed myself to become a slave, which is a being that believe itself to be weak, powerless, less than, inferior, so that is my apparent excuse to follow and trust the 'leaders' in this reality, to follow people who are willing to stand as leaders, who are willing to lead me, to let me be their sheep. beings who will apparently take responsability for my actions. my excuse for following and trusting them is that they are apparently better, stronger, more powerful and superior to me, 'they know what they're doing', they seem much more self confident than me so they must have the answers because they behave as though they do. people such as parents, teachers, guru's, lama's, spiritual leaders, scientists, corporate leaders, government leaders. i ve never actually done anything in this reality quite like them, how could i possibly lead myself?

within the school system i allowed myself to be molded into a slave, a sheep, that was taught to not make my own decisions, to not ask questions, to not investigate for myself, but to just say 'yes' and to be obedient and submissive to all that was said to me by the teachers. i could then participate within mind games on the playground with the other kids, where i created a little world wherein i could feel special, with my friends and enemies and all the shit that happens to me within the relationships that i create with the other kids, its like a replica of the actual world of adults but then miniature, on the playground. and while we re playing these stupid games of emotions and feelings, the teachers are standing there, on the side of the playground, looking down on us, as our leaders, looking at their sheep and at the ignorant silly games that the stupid sheep are playing. doing nothing to stop it obviously because they want us to remain stupid like that, so that they can control us better, so they can keep on feeling powerful and superior.

but i allowed myself to actually look up at those teachers, to give my power and responsability away, i allowed myself to trust them and follow them and fear them as if they were my gods. and this is what i ve been doing ever since with every being in my reality, i immediately give my power and responsability away, by just looking for their recognition and approval, so that i can feel like a good, special, unique sheep so i can just continue with my mind games feeling good about myself because god likes me.

i ve always been fighting authority figures, and i am afraid that people will abuse me, take advantage of me, mislead me. so i m afraid to let people get close to me because i fear that they will abuse me or take advantage of me. i often feel like people are trying to have power over me so i defend myself and i fight people off. but i never realised that it was me in the first place misleading myself and abusing, disrespecting myself because i ve never actually taken any responsability for my actions in this reality, i ve always been all too happy to just trust people and be guided, be told what to do, who to be, what is right and wrong. i was the one actually desiring attention, approval and recognition from people and in that, putting them in the god position, putting them in the power position because i was never willing to accept and express myself as power, as self responsability. i was never willing to walk in the shoes of god, of the shepherd, i actually desired to be weak and powerless so that i can continue participating in dishonesty as desires, fears, thoughts, feelings and emotions because i feel special within that, a 'special child of god'. i would rather leave the decision making up to others so that i dont take any risks, so that i am not responsible for the outcome, for the consequences. so if anything goes wrong in my life, i can just blame god, my leaders, who have been taking the decisions for me. and then i can pity myself and ask 'why?!!' as if i m not completely responsible for everything that happens in my life.

so 'fighting authority figures' is actually the expression of the weakness that i ve allowed to exist within myself, wherein i give up all of my power to other people, so they seem much more powerful then me and i m fighting them as myself as the nature of who i ve actually allowed myself to become as weak and powerless and a sheep because i dont want to accept this about myself. i dont want to realise and accept the truth about myself as who i ve allowed myself to become, as what i m responsible for because of my self dishonest nature.
there exist the desire within me to simply follow another being, to trust another being instead of myself, to just say 'yes', so that i can hear them say 'good girl!' so that i can experience that positive energy as the feeling that i am 'good' and special within myself as what i ve allowed myself to define myself as and become addicted to.
and within and because of who i ve allowed myself to become, i have give up on myself because i regret who i ve allowed myself to become, i regret how i ve allowed myself to express myself toward people in my reality within self dishonesty as blame, fighting them because i didn't take responsability for the weakness that i ve allowed to exist within myself so never realising that i was actually fighting myself. and i hold on to this regret, i exist as a mind consciousness system as self dishonesty because i hold on to the regret believing myself to not be worthy of expressing myself as strength and power and assertiveness because of the weak and inferior expression that i ve allowed myself to become. i keep myself in the prison of the mind because i regret being self dishonest towards beings in my reality, because i ve allowed myself to attack beings in my reality, never standing one and equal with them within and as self responsability. because i ve been believing myself to be good and special and superior as a lie that i told myself when actually it s in reverse. i ve allowed myself to be dumb, blind, ignorant and i ve covered my eyes from my own truth by believing that i am good and special. i ve been blaming people for my experience in this world, pointing my finger at them, which is unacceptable.