donderdag 25 augustus 2011

2011 fear is an addiction

fear is an addiction
my experience in life and of life has never really been 'nice'. i was always, and am still a little bit a 'stressful' and anxious person. i had lots of 'nervous tics': making noises with my nose, stretching my neck more than normal, pushing my eyes closed until it hurt, etc. being around people that weren't my parents or my friends (so people that i knew really well and that knew me really well and of who i knew that they liked and accepted me) was pretty much hell for me as i felt so much anxiety and stress.

the anxiety and stress was a fear of 'what they might think of me' a fear of being rejected because of my expression, fear of being laughed at or mocked, fear of being hated and spat out by the group. fear that they would judge me as being 'stupid' or 'dumb' or 'weird' or in some way 'abnormal' or 'unacceptable'.
i still experience this fear as anxiety at my workplace or at school, it's worse in group then when i am alone with a being.

so this has always been a big transcendance point for me, and in process i've actually been fighting this point, resisting this point because it is so unpleasant for me, so i want it to stop, i want to not feel the fear or the anxiety, i want to not feel like people are judging me when i am speaking to them, i want to stop suppressing my expression because of fear of being judged. so i desired to be 'self realised' as in 'standing above the point', 'having control over the point'.

i experienced it as a sort of struggle/battle with people where it felt like standing up as myself is 'standing up to them', because what i was still allowing myself to do is judge others for my experience of being judged, i still saw other people around me as 'meen', as if they could really hurt me with their judgements and in this obviously i was not taking responsability for my creation as my experience as here as alone as reality.

i wasn't taking responsability for the fact that, within my life experience, i ve grown 'accustomed' to the self judgements, to feeling 'bad' and 'sad' and feeling like 'shit', to the low self asteem, the self pity, the feeling of being attacked and disliked, the feeling of being 'not good enough' and 'unaccepted'. those feelings that at some moment in my life have taken root because i allowed certain expressions of my parents/environment to influence me as an 'identity' as an 'image' of self have gone and lived a life of their own with me fueling them with energy by participating in the thoughts/emotions/feelings of this experience, leaving me to feel and believe that i am a victim of this experience, as if it is this 'thing' inside of me that is 'just there' as it always has, it is 'just the way i react, just the way i am'/'just the way reality is'.

i believed that it was 'reality' of 'people' 'around me', not realising the fact that it is me experiencing myself within this reality, my experience of reality, that i 'chose' for myself. apparently i 'chose' to experience myself in a 'shit' way, a 'negative', self destructive and hurtful way. i 'chose' to participate within specific fears and ideas and beliefsystems and feelings towards and about reality as what i see 'around me', believing that it is not me creating this experience of 'reality'. and within this belief i saw 'realising self as the creator, as here' as me as the self image within 'reality' 'realising' herself, wherein i still experience reality as a 'struggle' and a 'battle', 'defending' myself from 'other people', as what the battle that i ve experienced within my entire life was always about.

i ve never realised my responsability towards the battle in itself that i have created, as all the definitions and judgements and beliefsystems about myself as the core of my being from where i see 'reality' and that make up my experience of 'other people'. so in this, my definitions and ideas about myself as the experience of myself create the experience of 'reality' as 'other people', as that which i ve always believed to be 'real'/'reality', that which has always been 'just the way it is'.

i ve become addicted to this experience of reality as 'feeling bad about myself', which is why i keep participating in it. you'd think that i can just 'choose' a different experience of myself and reality, but i never did, because i ve actually allowed myself to become addicted to the energy that i create within participating in definitions and judgements about myself and thus about reality, because this allows me to feel 'unique' and 'special', it makes me feel like 'someone', because i feel and think and react.

If you are ready to face yourself as the mind and write yourself to freedom, rebirthing yourself as a new being that in fact Lives for Life and can start acting in a way that will support the establishment of a New system for a New World, then join Desteni I Process and investigate Equal Money.

Thank you.

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