2011 Fear of People

i don't know where to begin with this one.
there's this big ass fear inside of me, fear with regards to people. fear that is connected to a desire to please people, a desire to make friends and be friendly, even though it isn't who i truly am, a fear of being judged and seen by people as 'bad'. because all my life, I've always been seen as the good one, the sweet, shy, obedient, silent girl. and I've lived my life expressing myself as that judgement, that definition of myself as a good, well-behaved, shy, silent girl that everybody loves, she would never do anything wrong so she s hardly ever punished, people are content and satisfied with me because i m just so good, obviously they're only satisfied and happy with me and they only like me because i try my best to please them, stroke their ego, give them compliments, agree with them in everything they say, etc. so they feel good about themselves, so they feel good about me who makes them feel good about themselves. I've never actually made a statement in this world as myself, as something i stand for and as alone, because of fear of being alone with/as myself, fear of not being able to fend for myself in this reality, so believing that i need people to help me survive in this world, to secure my future in this world.

so i ve been extensively creating relationships with people in this reality within this feeling in myself that i need them, or i might need them in the future and the massive fear of myself, of not having capabilities and not being able to take care of myself in this world. so every time i see people i get into this automatic reaction of 'they have to like me' based on the belief that i need them and the fear that i cannot exist alone, that i cannot trust myself. so i continue to compromise myself time and time again when around people, especially people that i see frequently and that have a say over my situation in this world, like the fellow students in my class, my teacher, my landlord, my employer. especially with my fellow students in the kinesiology class that i m attending, i ve allowed myself to participate within these relationships wherein i ve just been so full of shit, just saying what they want to hear, talking like they do, just kind of blending in, afraid of being rejected, kicked out of the group, attacked, if i were to express myself in a way that makes them feel offended and makes them hate me. so now i m just trying to make them love me and accept me as 'one of them' by behaving like them.

i m afraid of what might happen to me if i didn't have the support of the group, wherein they seem to like me because they smile at me and they agree with shit that i say.... as long as its positive and fits into their world of their belief systems as what they like to believe, as long as it makes them feel good about themselves. i m really afraid of being left alone, rejected by them, so i m afraid of offending them, making them angry and upset with me, with something i say. because reality is just not positive, so anything that i would have to say in self honesty, is anything but what people want to hear.

so systems will push me out of their reality as they do with everything that confronts them with the actual fucked up-ness that is themselves, they will use and abuse any and all power that they have over me to push me out of their reality, to silence me and to justify themselves. that s what i m very afraid of: the mean nature of people. like on the playground when we were children, it s like a dog eat dog world where the weak get prayed on, picked on, rejected, pushed out, for no apparent reason but just the self dishonest nature of the human being.

all i remember from school was just lots of fears of the other kids within me and me i was just all the time trying my hardest to fit in, to get the other kids to like me and to just not get picked on as what i saw happening to certain kids who for some reason didn't fit the profile to be popular or acceptable and who were basically attacked without them doing anything but being themselves. so there were those on the playground who were practically worshiped because of some qualities that they had (money, looks, humor) and those that were rejected because of certain qualities that were apparently not acceptable, qualities that exist solely upon coincidence such as looks, money/status, family. there was no kindness, no friendliness, positivity, righteousness, correctness existed.

it was dog eat dog, things like political correctness, kindness, sympathy, empathy, etc only comes when you re grown up, an adult, as if you just change over night and all you ve been and participated with as a kid just disappears. when actually kids as how they express themselves on the playground is the actual nature of the human being, they re just relatively honest about it, and that is the nature that adults hide within themselves, behind all that positive shit. positivity as a justification for our existence, wherein we believe that we are special beings, placed on this earth because we re just so 'good'.

so i experience the kinesiology class as an actual playground like when i was a kid. where all that matters is that you survive within this group, the single goal is to get the support of the group so that i don't stand alone within this cruel reality. but i don't like the experience of myself within that, it makes me feel like shit because i know that i m full of shit, all based on fear. and it seems to be a fear that is me, that i wont ever be able to let go of because it s so extensive and because I've been participating in it my whole life.

so it s like I've never even existed. this has a lot to do with a fear of the future that I've allowed to exist within myself and because of this fear of not surviving in the future i m in every moment only thinking about what i have to do in this moment to ensure my future. thus not actually ever expressing myself within and as the moment as me. but wanting to survive in this reality, means choosing to live in a reality of systems, as a system, supporting a systematic reality that basically sucks and that is unacceptable. but how do i let go of this extensive fear within myself. i apply self forgiveness but this fear is just all that is me, forgiveness seems so futile, i don't see myself change, expressing myself without the fear. because this fear is all I've ever known, how could i experience myself any different?

so i have to give up all I've ever known, been, actually not existing anymore, giving up my entire existence, not expecting there to be anything beyond. basically dying, in this moment here, as each moment is here. standing as the letting go of all that exist within this moment here, as the moment. there s really no change, i will not change, i will not become different, i will not exist at all anymore.
i stand as the letting go of everything within this moment, so this moment is all that exist, there is no future because there is no me. i will not mean anything in this world, i stop participating in this world, i stop existing as 'Kim' in this world, as a picture, as a human, as fears, as belief systems, as definitions, as the search and desire for fame, for meaning, for recognition. there is nothing, silence.

i have to make a decision, the decision to not be a system and to not support a reality of systems. that means that, since all that exist within reality at the moment is systems, i cannot exist within this reality, participating as an identity within this reality, participating within anything that exist in reality. i make and stand as the decision to choose life, to not support the existence of systems, which is basically every little thing that exist within this world; it s all systems, all of it, literally. so there is nothing for me to live for anymore, because nothing is life. my saving grace is breath, as all that is real, all that i am willing to support. till here no further.

it s interesting that in choosing life i m actually choosing death as that which I've always feared, and that fear caused me to slowly but surely kill myself by not actually respecting myself as life as the physical by participating within a mind consciousness system as thoughts feelings and emotions as copied knowledge and information all based on the fear of dying. that s interesting about the human reality, that we re not taking care of life because of our fear of death. why is that? the interesting question is: why do we fear death? what s so 'bad' about dying? where does this belief come from that apparently we must not die, meaning that we must survive at all costs, survive within the physical reality? what is it about death that we fear so much? we fear 'the end', the ending of ourselves as this thing that we've been building up within participating in the human reality. which is just strange, the fact that we build so fiercely towards something within our lives, gathering money like crazy, when it can just all end in the blink of an eye. and it will end.... IT WILL END THE END WILL COME

it could be here even today, or next week, or at the most in about 80 years... but it will come, it will be here one day, as the end is here for all beings at some point. for my parents, grandparents, friends, presidents,kings... and for me. death will come for me, my end will be here for me. so really, what am i waiting for? because when you look at it, all I've really been doing in my life, and all that anyone s doing in their human life, is waiting for it all to end, waiting for death to come. waiting, running, whatever it is, the one inevitable truth in this reality is that it WILL all end, for each and every single being. the one real truth that you can trust on without any doubt about the physical experience is death, is that the physical experience ends at some point in each beings life, human and animal.

so, whatever i do in this reality, all that it could possibly eventually really lead up to, is death, is nothingness, that is the eventuality of my every action. all that i could possibly do within this reality, can only truly end in death, in the loss of everything that I've done and created within this physical reality. so then: can anything i do, whatever it is, really mean anything at all? obviously NOT. can i truly be of importance or meaning in this world? obviously NOT. being important or meaningful or special is only a feeling then, the FEELING that i am important... i m not in reality important, how could i be, when i will die anyway... as if I've never existed in the first place.

so i will die as the belief that i exist, because if i eventually die then i don't even really exist, at least not as how human beings perceive existing(life) and death, wherein humans believe that existing is somehow better or superior to death, because we fear death, we don't want to die, as if it is less than life. but this belief doesn't even really actually exist, because it will just die anyways, and if this belief can die, well, then obviously it isn't really real in the first place, is it?!

how can we humans just miss that point of death? how do we not see the inevitability and eventuality of this life, which is death, as something that just happens in reality, it happens to all of us, to every being around us, and we KNOW that it will happen to us as well, and to our family and friends and everyone we know. so in spite of this unchangeable fact, we still live our life as if we wont die, as if somehow we are the exception to the rule, as if for some reason our life is special, as if my life really means something and so in some way, i wont really die. this is just crazy. the whole of humanity is crazy, for just this one point.

so, how could I miss this point? i missed it because of BELIEF, belief systems. because the idea that i am important and special and that my life is special and that everything i do is special is just a BELIEF, nothing more, i BELIEVE myself to be important and special in spite of what reality clearly shows me as the inevitable truth that cannot be changed by any belief system.

so where does this belief come from and why did i allow this belief to exist within me when it is in clear and obvious contradiction with the actual truth that is here right in front of me to see?
well, obviously this belief came from people who taught me to believe this about myself and reality, because all belief is words and words are all human creations and are only handed down from generations. words are not a pure, natural expression that comes from within me, that exist as me, but words have been taught to me. so why did i allow myself to be taught something that isnt real, 'a belief about reality as myself'?

all i really did in my life, was copy all the humans that i saw around me, i copied my parents, teachers, friends. i repeated their words, their ways of saying things, of moving, of expressing, i became just a copy of my 'environment' as human beings that i see with my eyes and hear with my ears. so why did i allow myself to become a copy? because of FEAR. Fear is really the only motivation for anything and everything that i as human within this human reality do, a deep fear of humans...of my parents more specifically.

so where does this fear come from? fear was a reaction within me when my parents got angry with me, then my parents became these terrifying monsters with ugly faces. and to this i reacted with fear, as to me it looked 'fearful', especially because they seemed to have physical power over me as well, they could actually physically hurt me. and it s this pain that i became afraid of, the pain that my parents inflicted on me when they got angry with me, the physical pain that is actually real and that is just not a pleasant experience.

so this fear of physical discomfort as pain is what seems to be standing in my way at the moment of letting go of the mind and standing as breath. fear that again my parents(as people in general) will get angry with me and hurt me because i m not participating within their belief systems, supporting them as systems as who they've allowed themselves to become. this is what fear is all about: it is a tool of systems to create systems, because a being is easily programmable when they fear you, so if they fear you then they will do anything and become anything that you want them to.