zondag 24 juli 2011

2011 Tourettes

i finally got the point of 'Tourettes' as what s been existing within myself.
The point where i supress my existence by believing that i exist within other people's reality. i exist within their reality, not the other way around. and so i want to be noticed in their reality, i want recognition from them, so i can feel as though i exist, because they notice me in their reality.
in this, i abdicated all responsability towards reality by believing that this reality that i exist in, everything i experience, all the beings around me, isn't my reality. but i see myself as only a pawn in the reality of other people, thus believing their judgements, their thoughts, experiences, reactions to be more real than me, and more important than me, because this is apparently their reality and not mine.
totally missing the point that this reality only exist because i exist, because i breathe, because i am.
i exist within constant tension because i believe myself to be only what other people think of me, believing that this is their reality that i exist in, so i want a good judgement, i want them to accept me so i can feel accepted and acceptable. i want them to respect me so i can feel respected.
existing this way is obviously very stressful because i m always painfully aware of what everyone around me could possibly think of me, actually believing me to be all of those thoughts.

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