in the very core of my being lies all of what i was never allowed to talk about or express within this reality according to my parents and in extent of that, my teachers. which is basically sex and everything that has to do with sex.
i must never talk about sex or sexuality, i must not utter the word, like masturbation, oh no, that's a very bad dirty word... but i do it, and i desire it, but i dont even know why, and because i cannot talk about it, or ask questions about it because that would be dirty and bad, i will never be able to investigate it, and discover where it comes from and in that discover who i really am.
these 'secrets' within myself, this secret reality that must not be expressed, is what really exist within myself and what determines my very experience within myself. the very fact that my parents will do anything to keep me from expressing these desires that according to them are 'bad' and 'dirty' and 'must not exist', meens that i cannot express myself, because this is myself, this is what i know about myself so far, all of my experience within this world, even though i dont know who and why i am and what it is that exist within me and why and how. and my parents are about the only people that i trust with my life within this world, they told me and taught me to trust them and only them, they wont listen to who i really am, they will intentionally ignore the reality that exist within me and i am not heard and i dont know what to do with this stuff, these feelings, desires, that exist within me, but hide it and, just like my parents, pretend that it doesnt exist.
but it isnt ok, because this stuff exist within me, and i m just supposed to think 'no it is bad, i mustnt think it, and if i do i mustnt talk about it' and expect it to go away? well, it doesnt work that way, because that's what i ve been doing my entire life and it hasen't gone away, it's still right here, completely out of controle, like this completely seperate, secret reality inside of myself that's gone and lived its own life, completely out of my control, that it even scares me. so... now i m afraid of myself!
now, nowhere i could talk about this, because it has to do with sex. i wouldnt be able to talk to people about it in a normal, investigative way, because people give so much energy and attention and meaning to even the words that have to do with sex that they are afraid of their own reactions towards the words, so the words must not be spoken. so we invent words and ways to describe it when we re talking about sex, so we dont really have to use the actual direct word 'sex' or 'masturbation', think about how many words and expressions exist to say and describe sex and masturbation, we make jokes about it, we over react, but we cant just talk about it within the realisation that sex and masturbation is just an expression that exist within this reality, that we can investigate by talking about it, by putting it out in the open and asking ourselves questions about it, very simple.
people are fucked up inside because they cannot be open about sex, about the one thing in this world they want the most, they cant just talk openly and normally without shame or reactions about it. and even if you have reactions to words or pictures of sex, you should be able to talk about that. to be open about sex would simply meen being open about yourself as who you are in entirety, what could be wrong with that? why cant we just talk openly about everything? because we feel ashamed of these things. people feel ashamed of themselves within themselves. why else do they refuse so much to talk about what they really feel and think and what really drives them to move in this world? we hold onto this shame as if it is who we really are 'bad' and so we should live in shame of our apparent 'badness'. never expressing ourselves really, keeping it all hidden and making sure that it remains hidden within the beings around us aswell, like children.
when i was eleven, a friend at school had an anatomy book with her so we could look at the naked bodies depicted inside because by then we figured out that apparently there was something secretive and exiting about a naked body. and a nurse came up to us and took the book away because it was apparently a 'bad' book with 'bad' pictures. when all it was was pictures of naked human bodies... a scientific anatomy book at that. so you ve got to ask yourself 'what the fuck is going on here?', which we didnt at the moment because we were so gullible to just believe the nurses' rigidness to be right. the nurse knew that we werent looking at the pictures to learn about anatomy, she knew that we were looking at the picture to feel certain feelings inside ourselves, feelings that she as a nurse had judged as 'bad' inside herself, so she would judge us kids as herself as 'bad' because of what we were expressing as what we were showing her that exist within herself. the feelings that we were apparently feeling was entirely her interpretation of reality though, because we might aswell have been studying anatomy. but this just shows how obsessed human beings are actually about sex and everything that has to do with it, so obsessed that they see it every where but they wont be honest about it. they ll shunn it, ignore it, supress it, fight it, because they ve learned that 'sex/sexuality is bad'.
i ve learned to react with shame when talking about sex, or hearing the word sex. ill hide myself, ignore what s going on, change the subject. but when i m alone with myself i ll look for it. i ll put on a porno movie and participate in those things that i never talk about.
i feel exited when i see a woman getting raped, violated, sexually dominated by a man. and i ve always felt ashamed for feeling that exitement about this. i try to stop it in myself, pretend like it s not there but time and time again i search for that exitement. i would never talk about it to anyone especially my parents. my dad read my self forgiveness lines in a book once that i had done about my reactions to porno and sexual pictures and he came to me and said that that is the reason why self forgiveness is bad, because of what i had written. from all of what was in the book, that is what he wants to talk about and blame me for. i was basically opening up and he attacks me on it, trying to make me feel ashamed of expressing myself. and it s been like that previously in my life. where my dad just points his finger at me as if i should feel ashamed about myself without explaining why or talking about it, leaving me ashamed of myself not even knowing why or how to change myself.
i ve believed my dads' rigidness, his blame, his hate, his fear, his judgements to be real because i trusted him, my daddy. so i ve lived my life in shame of myself, not even fully understanding why, just accepting it as reality as me because that s what my dad showed me.
when people were kissing on the television, i turned my head away when my family was watching tv with me because i wouldnt want them to think that i am reacting to that, i wanted my dad to see that i am a 'very good girl' who would never feel such shameful feelings as desires when watching people expressing sexuality within kissing, touching and sex. to me my dad was perfect, he would never react like that to sexual pictures, or so it seemed. i was the rotten one, the bad one, with the bad habbits, the bad desires. that s how i see all people around me, they are so perfect, or so they seem, so much better, purer than me, and i am the disgusting, dirty one. so i deserve to be punished by living my life in shame and never expressing myself and always being submissive towards other people, like a servant, serving others, letting me be abused by other people, truly believing that no matter what people do, they will never be worse than me, they will still remain perfect. and me i am always imperfect.
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