zaterdag 23 juli 2011

2011 self respect

my biggest forgiveness point within myself that i can see at the moment is self respect.
i ve never respected myself, and this is my experience in this reality witin relationships with other people aswell: that they dont respect me, no one really respects me. and all i want is that other people would just respect me, that they would have some recognition for what i do and say, but nobody ever does. people just see me from their mind wherein they are superior and they look down on me. and so i look down on me when i feel like someone else is looking down on me. which is what i feel almost all of the time.

and all of the time i am fighting and struggling to make other people realise and see who i am, i want them to see that i am actually a very smart, intelligent girl and that i know what i am doing, opposed to what they may think of me.

to my family and friends i was just 'lost and confused', that's their simplistic onedimensional vision on me within this process, they felt like they had to save me... from my own stupidity, because apparently i am too stupid to even know what i am doing with my life. and this self forgiveness stuff, to them it was something strange that i was getting involved with, i was starting to act strange, and it scared them. so they tried to change me by telling me i was doing bad things, what i am doing is not ok and i have to change back to how i was before all this, when i was behaving relatively normal

but this is something i noticed within human beings, within all of us, is that we dont really notice each other, we live next to each other. even within the family construct: it seems that the closer you are living with someone, the more you are actually blind to who this being is. i was never really ok within my life, always so many fears and stress, but nobody noticed. my parents didnt notice, as long as my behaviour and my way of dressing myself was in order and normal, than everyting was normal.
all of us, we feel like shit within our lives, and in spite of us having a family of people around us who supposedly care about us and are there for us, still we feel so alone within the experience of ourselves. we get depressed and nobody around us really notice. nobody, not our friends or family, see our fears and uncertenties.... and then someone kills themselves, and the rest of us never saw it coming, we dont know why, we never even thought that something was the matter.

at a certain point in my life i wanted to kill myself, and i was all alone in that. i found out that my brother was really depressed too in his life, he has ADHD, had to take pills, basically he was never a 'good kid' and he couldnt help it. i was never aware of this, i didnt notice anything. i was so involved with only my own thoughts, desires, wants, needs, that i did not see what was happening to the beings that were the closest to me, that i saw everyday , the very people right there in my life, i didnt see them. and they didnt see me.

anyways, so self respect.
my constant search for recognition and respect from others for what i say and do is because i dont respect myself. i even believe that i dont really deserve forgiveness because i dont respect myself and i never have and because of the things that i ve allowed myself to do in my life because of the disrespect towards myself. so within process i ve never trusted forgiveness because i didnt feel worthy, i thought 'it isnt for me'. so thats why almost all the time i am creating situations in my life where i really feel disrespected and where i am fighting for my respect, to be heard by other people, but the more i fight, the more i feel weak and disrespected.

this is the deepest construct within myself, the reason why i never really wanted to be alone with me, is because i actually believe myself to be unworthy of life, of self realisation, of forgiveness, of standing up.
all those demons can forgive themselves, but not me, because me as the center of my reality is the worst of all mankind, the worst of them all, beyond fathoming. bad and rotten to the core, because i am the core. and all starts within me.

so i must realise forgiveness as me by finding a way to actually really forgive myself and in that stand as self forgiveness, forever trusting self forgiveness as me as the living breathing application of me.

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