2008 where is my mind?

i m nearing despair i am
or am i in it?
i m definately difining myself according to despair
and dont seem to know how to forgive myself anymore
i realise i m whining i am a whiner (http://nl.youtube.com/watch?v=xEFP3KT5iYo)
i define myself according to the design of the whiner

in overview of my life i feel like whining
because it seems as though i always did everything to make sure i would forever feel obligated to feel like shit

i sometimes say to my imaginary audience that people like me are the ones that kill themselves.
that i was born with a natural tendency of screwing up, and if i wasn't born with it i started creating that dendency very early on.
always feeling misunderstood, having felt misunderstood
and looking back on what i did towards others in my life while being under the illusion of being misunderstood, i feel like i have no right feeling free.
i have no right standing up as me for me
i have no right making any decisions for myself because of the natural tendency to screw up.


my parents sometimes ask me 'where did it all go wrong?', 'where is that funloving, talkative, social girl that we knew?', ever since my mom moved (when i was fourteen) out to a different city i became asocial and weird. i got different friends and my personality started changing.
i learned to judge the world differently: society was now all wrong and most of the people in it cause everyone was blind and dumb to true hippielove. i looked up to hippies, cause they seemed to have the truth in their soul, all they said was true.
i learned to find myself stupid and worthless and those feelings i tried to get rid of by trying to show them (my friends) that i am worthy of hippieness, that i have a soul of light.

i did that by rejecting all that was 'without light', like my parents and my other friends who suddenly became less important to me. these new friends seemed to have all the knowledge, they will show me how to be.
i learned to completely ignore my self or my commen sence and i did everything out of a 'this is the right thing to do' setting, 'this way my friends will think i am right and they will accept me'.

during that time i 'disappointed' a lot of people like my parents and other friends because of things that i did out of the judgement that they were wrong, blind and stupid and i had the knowledge, i knew what it was all about.

therefore i now feel like i have no right standing up for me, making a statement.
because in my past i was all about statements because i seemed to know better.

i sure built up a strong hate towards myself
a hate because i don t know better even if i always pretended that i did
hate because i never alowed myself to express myself as i am
instead i listened and looked at others, at what they do, what they like

i never alowed myself to build up any self confidence in any way
any trait or interest what so ever
because i never see the point: i will fail anyways

people will always remain disappointed in me
in their eyes i will always be failure

failure does not exist
i must forgive myself, others will not do this for me
i can not wait for others to wake up and see the shit so that i can get out of it
i must do this all for myself as myself
and i will walk and stand
as myself for all
as one and equal as life in and as this world