woensdag 5 maart 2008

2008 knowledge of stuff

ok so
my future
the future
the illusion
my confusion
i don t know
where to go
who to be
if i can be free
what is freedom
what is self honesty
if i choose a job like doing paperwork or cleaning to get some money for self sustenance
is it honest?
or go out of this house of my parents without a job and little money
see what will become of me out there... which does seem more honest to me
then the actual question: what is self movement?
is it dedicating my every moment to assistance of the rest of humanity...unconditionally (without resources)
or is it deviding my 'time', first jobbing my way to being resourced and then..
then what?!
this is all future thoughts but....
i m twenty years old, i don t go to school
i ve worked but i quit
....i don't have 'experience with real life' as what my parents tell me and i can t help but, even knowing that 'real life' as they know it is an illusion and i shouldn t trust a word they say for it is all based on that same illusion, consider that i should in fact 'do what must be done' in order for me to be able to do anything else.
how can i do anything in the moment knowing that my parents are breathing down my neck about getting a job 'getting off my ass', and me wanting to get out of my parents house?
so two options: either i get a lousy job for money so i can move out .
or i can move out!!.
first one is me being moved by money, obligations, thoughts fears
second one is me moving me
guess i got my answer

but the incertainty of it all!!!
oh, i seem to be stuck in thinking i must do the 'right' thing, i m not trusting myself
pretty hard that is btw trusting myself....ok
but everytime i m just being momentary me my dad or my mom comes up to me with ultimatums and choices for me to make
i can ignore this place them as me know that it is but systems blabbering about the 'real world'

..is a thing of the past

question: what kind of self trust does it take to have no plans, no organising, no considering of next moments, no thoughts about next steps etc, when u know certain things need to happen?

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