So from the moment that I could decide for myself, I stopped sports and Scouts, because all I could remember or pick up from it was that it was a horrible experience like a torture to be around those other children, having to play all those games of pushing and pulling and getting footballs flung to my head. lol
So, within this, I kind of developed a personality-suit of being a whiner, someone who always feels like the victim and who always believes that she is forced into everything by other people - constantly feeling inferior, helpless and powerless - within massive BLAME towards all the people around me. Because I felt as though I HAD TO whine to get what I wanted, to get my dad to consider what I was saying. I had to make it seem as though I really am the victim of some major torture that he is putting me through and that I am in serious pain and suffering - to get him to listen to what I wanted to do and to stop him from trying to get me to do all this shit that I really didn't want to do and of which I didn't even know or see why I had to do them.
And although, through growing up, I developed a personality of presenting/projecting myself as a strong person that DOESN'T WHINE (apparently), inside of myself I experienced myself in a constant state of 'why me?!!' lol
I even went into depression once because I didn't get the attention I wanted from a boy that I really liked. I didn't get what I wanted so I went into major whine-mode and even thought about killing myself, losing myself completely within absolute self-pity.
I remember also using the whining-card on my mom, when she once got really angry with me and I was afraid that she would throw me out of the house. So, I immediately started to 'break down' and cry, saying things like 'I don't know what is happening to me' 'I don't know why I am doing this' 'I am just trying to do my best' 'I don't know what is wrong with me' - which was definitely my low-point because within that, I was abdicating any and all responsibility for my actions, completely reducing myself to being an inferior being and the apparent victim of my own mind. She immediately gave me a hug and tried to comfort me, but I felt really disgusted with myself because I knew what I was doing, that I was manipulating her because I feared to lose something that I thought I needed and thus used manipulation, as the technique that I had developed throughout my life, to get what I wanted.
I lost respect for myself because I had allowed myself to reduce myself to such an inferior expression of blaming everyone for how I experienced myself instead of taking responsibility for myself
Also within this process - I have noticed that whenever I am being faced with a transcendence point, and the experience of resistance comes up as a fear within myself and thoughts of 'this is too big, I can't do this', I tend to go with the fear and distract myself by giving into some desire by actually believing that I am a victim of my own experience of fear, a victim of this world.
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to whine and exist within and as the construct of the whiner within and as the belief that i am the victim of reality as my environment
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to whine within myself whenever I experience fear of doing something to create the idea within myself that it is really too difficult as an attempt to create an excuse for myself to not do it
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am the victim of my fears of reality
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create excuses and justifications within myself whenever i experience fear of doing something, to not actually do it
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience of self pity wherein i confirm to myself that i am an apparent victim of my experience of reality, of my thoughts, feelings and emotional experiences as how i have allowed myself to be programmed during childhood by my parents - as i noticed that whining within and as self-pity was the only way that i could get what i wanted from my parents
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use whining within and as the rotten child syndrome that i have allowed to be programmed into me, to get my reward from my environment as i noticed that whining was a technique that i could use with which i could manipulate my environment into giving me what i want
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within and as the whiner-system design
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate my environment through participating in whining and self-pity
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop whining and the emotional experience of self-pity within myself as a reaction to a situation wherein i don't get MY WAY to attempt to manipulate and control my environment to get what i want and to have things MY WAY
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to grow up to become an ego as the desire to at all times have things MY WAY and only want to fulfill personal desires wherein i do not hesitate to take advantage of another being and abuse another being just to get what i want - wherein i have constructed various mechanisms of manipulation within myself of 'dealing with my environment' to in every situation get what I want and have things MY WAY
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have failed to see and realize that i have been programmed by my environment within and as the reward system wherein i have allowed myself to become programmed to only be motivated to move myself in this world by self-interest as the promise of receiving a reward, wherein i act within a complete lack of principles, morality or respect for anything or anyone only driven by a self-interested desire to get a reward as something that will make me feel good inside like the candy and sweets and presents that i got from my parents and family when my behavior pleased them
and thus i forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to see and realize that my entire identity as my thoughts, feelings and emotions as who i have always believed myself to be, is nothing more than the result of the rotten child syndrome that i have allowed to be programmed into me by my parents and family that is all only motivated by the self-interested desire to get my reward as a good feeling, wherein i am completely fixated, obsessed and consumed by wanting things MY WAY
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to use whining and the emotional experience of self-pity as a manipulation technique towards my father as my way of getting him to give me what i wanted, wherein i was only focused and obsessed with this one point of self-interest within myself and did not see or consider the bigger picture of this entire reality as what is going on HERE
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pity myself when a situation doesn't go MY WAY and when i don't get the attention and recognition that i want and desire from other people, as an attempt to control the situation by trying to play into other people's emotions and feelings towards me to still get what i want and to thus not take responsibility for myself within the situation, within and as the justification and excuse that i am a victim of the situation and am thus not responsible for how i experience myself -- instead of realizing that i have allowed myself to define myself within and as the ego of the mind as self-interest as the rotten child syndrome as the belief that i MUST get my reward at all times as how i have allowed myself to be programmed
I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to be programmed by the self-interested nature of my parents as who/what they have allowed themselves to become as I allowed myself to become programmed within the reward system that has taught me to only consider my own personal feelings and desires and do anything and everything to get the reward, which was then also supported by the educational and economical systems within society as my environment wherein everything is designed within creating 'prizes' and 'rewards' to motivate me into buying something, go to the same job everyday and never question what is going on in reality as i was too preoccupied with the constant search and desire for my reward
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the whining-system to direct and influence me whenever i am facing a point that i experience resistance towards as a point wherein i am faced with the opportunity of change wherein i have to push and walk through the resistance to will myself to change, by allowing myself to give in to resistance due to whining and self-pity as the apparent excuse and justification for my giving up as apparently 'i am too weak to do this on my own' and 'i cannot do this' and 'i can't help it' etcetera
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to thoughts like 'i can't do this' as the whining system that comes up every time i am faced with a point of change that i as the mind experience resistance towards, by allowing myself to give up and give in to resistance - instead of realizing that the whining system as self-pity and thoughts of giving up because apparently 'i am too weak' and ' i cannot do it' is a self-sabotage technique of the ego of the mind wherein i simply don't want to change and thus use the whining system as self-pity to create excuses and justifications within the mind for me to apparently 'justify' me giving up in that moment
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to use the whining system within and as relationships with other people, wherein i exist within and as self-interest and am constantly trying to manipulate other people to get what i want, wherein i have allowed myself to create the illusion/idea/experience within myself that i do not exist alone and am not responsible for myself HERE - instead of realizing that i have designed the experience of myself within and as the whining system as i have allowed myself to be programmed by my parents as a rotten child within and as the belief that i am special and must always get WHAT I WANT
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame my father for not listening to what i wanted and for forcing me to do things that i didn't want to do, thus blaming him for the self-pity and powerlessness that i experienced within myself - instead of realizing that the emotional experience of powerlessness and self-pity is part of an energetic polarity that can only exist if i allow myself to participate in the conflict/battle for power of the ego, wherein i can only feel powerless if i desire to be powerful and thus try to fight for my power and control over my environment with my parents, thus ending up feeling powerless as i could never win this battle
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for my life here on earth by allowing the whining-system as self-pity to exist within myself and by allowing myself to be directed by the whining-system wherein i always immediately give up in any situation wherein i experience a little resistance to manipulate other people so i can get what i want without ever taking responsibility for my life
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fail to see and realize that i AM completely responsible for my existence here on earth and that whining and the emotional experience of self-pity is nothing but the ego of the mind as the system-program that i have allowed to be programmed into me through my childhood-upbringing within my family that have taught me to give my power away to them as they have given their power away to their parents through the reward-system wherein I found that the easiest way to get a reward from my environment was by giving my power away and participating in the whiner-system and self-pity
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself within and as giving away my power to my environment within and as the desire for getting rewarded by my environment as what i have allowed to be programmed into me by my parents within the first 7 years of my life
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to define myself within and as the reward system as the constant search and desire for a reward as a positive feeling within myself just like i got rewards when i was a child - wherein i use techniques and tactics that i have developed during childhood to get this reward as what i believe i MUST HAVE
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still play out manipulation techniques that i have developed during childhood to get a reward from my parents - wherein i limit my expression and experience of myself here in this reality extensively and trap myself within and as the ego of the mind as the system-construct that i have designed for myself within the first 7 years of my life as reactions to my environment - instead of realizing that the entire ego as the experience of myself within reality is an illusion as it is all based on the illusory world that my parents presented me with as their version of reality that they tried to program me with wherein they tried to design me as their slave within using the reward system, as they did not realize their responsibility towards me and the impact of their actions within my life and the kind of life that i would be living as a play out of what they have imprinted and programmed into me during the first 7 years of my life
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to have failed to see and realize that my entire life experience and the experience of myself within reality in the NOW of consciousness within and as TIME has all completely been designed during the first 7 years of my life as I constructed and built my primary subconscious experiences, thoughts, feelings and emotions as 'my view of myself and reality' that would become the pattern and construct that I would be living out during my entire life-time here in this world, wherein I would be completely confined, limited and trapped within the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions as the preprogrammed experience of myself within and as reality
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself within my expression and experience of myself within this reality by defining myself within and as the reward system within which i was programmed by my parents during childhood wherein i developed certain 'life-skills' that were only based on 'getting a reward' from my environment the best way i saw how, which is through giving my power away to my environment within participating in the whining-system as self-pity, instead of realizing that the reward system as the desire to feel good within getting a reward from my environment such as money, attention, presents and sweets is not who i really am as it is in fact the system through which my parents have attempted to program me into becoming their slave, so they could control me better, as they never considered the consequences of their behavior resulting in producing rotten children which will grow up to become rotten adults as human beings do not create themselves, just like they have allowed themselves to become the rotten adults as the product and result of their parents not taking responsibility for their actions within and as the upbringing of their children
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to live out a pattern of giving up on myself and going into self-pity whenever experiencing only a slight discomfort, resistance, doubt or insecurity within what i do in my life as a pattern that i have created during childhood within the reward system that i had allowed to be programmed into me by my parents, as a pattern that i would use to best get my desired reward, but which doesn't in any way what so ever have anything to do with reality and with how reality really functions as the reward system was purely and solely created by my parents within the isolated environment of family in their attempt to exert power and control over me, as they did not take any responsibility for the consequences of their actions towards me as how they were programming me to become a spoiled rotten child that would inevitable grow up to become a rotten adult, driven by a constant self-interested seeking/desire for a reward, that essentially does not have any real skills to live as an effective human in this world as a being that actually takes care of this world and all life that is here
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to fail to see and realize that my entire experience of myself within this reality as a whiner and as the emotional experience of self-pity is in fact a lie and an illusion that is completely based on the image/vision of reality that my parents have imprinted and programmed into me during the first 7 years of my life as the reward system wherein they attempted to insert and integrate the pattern of always getting a reward as motivation for my actions in this reality into me as a false survival system that functions within punishment and reward wherein they could play God as if it is actually real, wherein they did not bother to be truthful and honest about what is really going on in reality and how reality actually functions as they themselves have allowed themselves to base all their decisions and actions in this reality on self-interest as how they had allowed themselves to be programmed by their parents before them, ultimately creating slaves themselves as children that would become adults that are in no way equipped, capable, able or skilled to function effectively in this reality as they would base their entire experience of themselves within and as reality on a false survival- and value-system as what they had been programmed with during the first 7 years of their lives by their parents
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to develop 'survival-skills' that are entirely defined within and as the illusion of the reward system as the fear of being punished and the desire to receive a reward, as how i have allowed myself to be programmed by my parents within the first 7 years of my life, as a false value system that is entirely defined and designed by the self-interest of my parents that did not take responsibility for the consequences of their actions within and as the upbringing of their children, and to never realize/see/understand that this 'survival-system' that works within fear and desire is in fact a complete LIE that has been programmed into me by my parents' self-interested search and desire for power and control as how they themselves had allowed themselves to be programmed by their parents
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to become a mind consciousness system as a programmed robot that exist within the mind as a preprogrammed false experience of reality - instead of standing within and as reality, constant and stable within and as the clear understanding and realization of what is in fact real and what is not within and as the absolute awareness of myself as life itself to never allow anything to exist within myself that is of illusion as a programmed experience of and as the mind that does in fact even really exist HERE as reality itself
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to, in the face of fear, immediately go into emotional reactions of self pity and whining and make up excuses and justifications to not go through the fear and not realizing that i am in fact very able to simply face and walk through the fear to step beyond my self-imposed limitations of the mind - wherein i would rather make a statement that apparently i am 'too limited' to face a point than to unconditionally assist and support myself in transcending all limitation
i forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to realize when facing a point of fear within myself, when the emotional experience of self pity within and as the belief that 'i am too limited' to face and walk through this point of fear comes up within myself, to breathe through this experience and realize that i had allowed this experience to exist within me as a manipulation technique within and as the false survival- and value-system as the reward system that i have allowed to be programmed into me by my parents and that thus this emotional experience of self-pity and the belief of myself as apparently 'too limited' is an illusion that is based on false reason and a false vision of reality as what i have allowed to be imprinted and programmed into me by my parents within the first 7 years of my life
Redefining Words:redefining the word 'whining'
to utter a low, usually nasal, complaining cry or sound, as from uneasiness, discontent, peevishness, etc.: The puppies were whining from hunger.
to snivel or complain in a peevish, self-pitying way: He is always whining about his problems.
Sounding of the word 'whine':
the word 'whine' sounds like 'wine' because when i am whining I start to feel intoxicated/drunk with the inner energetic experience of which i am apparently a victim. Within whining, I sink into a pit/feeling, as in 'drowning in my sorrows', to then 'drown my sorrows' with wine.
Also the word 'whine' sounds 'high - in - e(=energy)', which implies the 'drowning' in my own energy within my participation in whining, wherein i deliberately constantly and continuously regurgitate the same emotions and thoughts over and over again within myself to be able to whine over it, and pity myself, wherein the state of whining becomes like an addiction, as the constant deliberate repetition and surging of the same emotional experience of sadness and thoughts of self-blame and self-judgment within myself
Experience of the word 'whine':
whining is a manipulation technique to get attention from other people within trying to make myself seem like the victim of the situation, of my own feelings, thoughts and emotions. Whining occurs when I don't want to realize my responsibility for my inner experiences within a situation because I don't want to realize that I have allowed myself to become an ego, thus I try to make everything seem a lot worse than it actually is within my mind, so that I can pity myself as an apparent excuse and reason why I cannot/should not get up and take responsibility for myself.
Redefining the word 'whine':
Whining is a self-sabotaging technique of the ego of the mind, that serves to keep me from realizing myself as life as self-responsibility by regurgitating thoughts and emotional experiences of self-blame and self-judgment as self-victimization within myself wherein I attempt to create the illusion that I am a victim of this world/reality, without ever realizing myself as the creator and starting point of thoughts, feelings and emotions. Thus the energetic experience of whining is not in fact real as it is self-created.
self correction statements:
when and as i see and experience the emotional experience of self-pity as the whining system coming up within myself when facing a point of fear, i stop and breathe and i do not allow myself to go into this experience of self pity as a self-sabotaging technique of the ego of the mind as an attempt to keep myself confined to the limitations of the mind, wherein i am actually only fighting for my limitations - rather i stand up within and as myself to face the point of fear and to assist and support myself within walking through this fear to free myself from any and all perceived limitations of the mind as fear
thus i do not allow myself to go into the emotional experience of self pity and to then give up on myself and on walking my process of stopping the mind within the apparent excuse that 'i am too limited', because I realize that self-pity is in fact a false experience within myself that is entirely defined within and based on the reward system as the false survival- and value-system that i have allowed to be programmed into me by my parents - and i realize that the emotional experience of self pity actually has nothing to do with reality wherein i am ALONE responsible for myself and wherein I as life am responsible for directing this reality to become a reality that is best for all life as me in oneness and equality - whereas the emotional experience of self-pity is of the illusion of the ego as self-interest based living that is not in fact worthy of life
I commit myself to unconditionally assist and support myself to face any and all perceived points of limitation within myself as what i have allowed to exist within myself through having allowed myself to be programmed by family and parents
i commit myself to unconditionally walk the process of completely stopping the illusion of the mind as the program that i have allowed to exist within myself through my upbringing in my specific family because I realize that this program as my specific life experience as memories within and as thoughts, feelings and emotions, is in fact extremely limited and narrow-minded as I have never actually considered the bigger picture through having allowed myself to exist within and as self-interest as programmed by my parents and because i had allowed myself to define myself within and as self interest
I commit myself to walk the process of completely stopping the self-interest that i have allowed to exist within myself as programmed by my parents, because i realize that any and all forms of self interest are in fact a complete lie and illusion of the mind as the program of abuse that has been passed down from generation to generation and to then stand up within and as this reality one and equal with myself as life as what is actually really HERE as NOT A PROGRAM that has a beginning and an end
i commit myself to walk the process of ending all that which has a beginning within and as the realization that all creations that have a beginning, have an end, and are therefore not actually real in the first place - thus assisting and supporting myself unconditionally to get to know myself as life as what is in fact real as i do not allow myself to exist within and as an illusion
i commit myself to researching the consequences of how children are being programmed into the reward system of family and humanity by investigating myself within and as my programming as what i have allowed to exist within myself as humanity, so that i may prove to all that we as humanity have been living out a complete lie as a program that has been passed down from generation to generation and always tacitly been accepted as 'absolute' - and is required to change as it is clearly not benefiting anything or anyone in this reality except those that are standing at the top of the reward system as our monetary system - which is really but a handful of beings that in itself do not hold any power over anything in this world
i commit myself to taking full responsibility for myself HERE within and as myself in each and every moment of breath within and as the realization that i am HERE and that i am thus responsible for all that exist here - therefore i do allow myself to attempt to wash my hands clean of anything that exist