donderdag 28 juli 2011

2011 'I am a sheep --Am I a sheep?'

the reality of myself is that i ve allowed myself to become a slave, which is a being that believe itself to be weak, powerless, less than, inferior, so that is my apparent excuse to follow and trust the 'leaders' in this reality, to follow people who are willing to stand as leaders, who are willing to lead me, to let me be their sheep. beings who will apparently take responsability for my actions. my excuse for following and trusting them is that they are apparently better, stronger, more powerful and superior to me, 'they know what they're doing', they seem much more self confident than me so they must have the answers because they behave as though they do. people such as parents, teachers, guru's, lama's, spiritual leaders, scientists, corporate leaders, government leaders. i ve never actually done anything in this reality quite like them, how could i possibly lead myself?

within the school system i allowed myself to be molded into a slave, a sheep, that was taught to not make my own decisions, to not ask questions, to not investigate for myself, but to just say 'yes' and to be obedient and submissive to all that was said to me by the teachers. i could then participate within mind games on the playground with the other kids, where i created a little world wherein i could feel special, with my friends and enemies and all the shit that happens to me within the relationships that i create with the other kids, its like a replica of the actual world of adults but then miniature, on the playground. and while we re playing these stupid games of emotions and feelings, the teachers are standing there, on the side of the playground, looking down on us, as our leaders, looking at their sheep and at the ignorant silly games that the stupid sheep are playing. doing nothing to stop it obviously because they want us to remain stupid like that, so that they can control us better, so they can keep on feeling powerful and superior.

but i allowed myself to actually look up at those teachers, to give my power and responsability away, i allowed myself to trust them and follow them and fear them as if they were my gods. and this is what i ve been doing ever since with every being in my reality, i immediately give my power and responsability away, by just looking for their recognition and approval, so that i can feel like a good, special, unique sheep so i can just continue with my mind games feeling good about myself because god likes me.

i ve always been fighting authority figures, and i am afraid that people will abuse me, take advantage of me, mislead me. so i m afraid to let people get close to me because i fear that they will abuse me or take advantage of me. i often feel like people are trying to have power over me so i defend myself and i fight people off. but i never realised that it was me in the first place misleading myself and abusing, disrespecting myself because i ve never actually taken any responsability for my actions in this reality, i ve always been all too happy to just trust people and be guided, be told what to do, who to be, what is right and wrong. i was the one actually desiring attention, approval and recognition from people and in that, putting them in the god position, putting them in the power position because i was never willing to accept and express myself as power, as self responsability. i was never willing to walk in the shoes of god, of the shepherd, i actually desired to be weak and powerless so that i can continue participating in dishonesty as desires, fears, thoughts, feelings and emotions because i feel special within that, a 'special child of god'. i would rather leave the decision making up to others so that i dont take any risks, so that i am not responsible for the outcome, for the consequences. so if anything goes wrong in my life, i can just blame god, my leaders, who have been taking the decisions for me. and then i can pity myself and ask 'why?!!' as if i m not completely responsible for everything that happens in my life.

so 'fighting authority figures' is actually the expression of the weakness that i ve allowed to exist within myself, wherein i give up all of my power to other people, so they seem much more powerful then me and i m fighting them as myself as the nature of who i ve actually allowed myself to become as weak and powerless and a sheep because i dont want to accept this about myself. i dont want to realise and accept the truth about myself as who i ve allowed myself to become, as what i m responsible for because of my self dishonest nature.
there exist the desire within me to simply follow another being, to trust another being instead of myself, to just say 'yes', so that i can hear them say 'good girl!' so that i can experience that positive energy as the feeling that i am 'good' and special within myself as what i ve allowed myself to define myself as and become addicted to.
and within and because of who i ve allowed myself to become, i have give up on myself because i regret who i ve allowed myself to become, i regret how i ve allowed myself to express myself toward people in my reality within self dishonesty as blame, fighting them because i didn't take responsability for the weakness that i ve allowed to exist within myself so never realising that i was actually fighting myself. and i hold on to this regret, i exist as a mind consciousness system as self dishonesty because i hold on to the regret believing myself to not be worthy of expressing myself as strength and power and assertiveness because of the weak and inferior expression that i ve allowed myself to become. i keep myself in the prison of the mind because i regret being self dishonest towards beings in my reality, because i ve allowed myself to attack beings in my reality, never standing one and equal with them within and as self responsability. because i ve been believing myself to be good and special and superior as a lie that i told myself when actually it s in reverse. i ve allowed myself to be dumb, blind, ignorant and i ve covered my eyes from my own truth by believing that i am good and special. i ve been blaming people for my experience in this world, pointing my finger at them, which is unacceptable.

woensdag 27 juli 2011

2011 Fear of People

i don't know where to begin with this one.
there's this big ass fear inside of me, fear with regards to people. fear that is connected to a desire to please people, a desire to make friends and be friendly, even though it isn't who i truly am, a fear of being judged and seen by people as 'bad'. because all my life, I've always been seen as the good one, the sweet, shy, obedient, silent girl. and I've lived my life expressing myself as that judgement, that definition of myself as a good, well-behaved, shy, silent girl that everybody loves, she would never do anything wrong so she s hardly ever punished, people are content and satisfied with me because i m just so good, obviously they're only satisfied and happy with me and they only like me because i try my best to please them, stroke their ego, give them compliments, agree with them in everything they say, etc. so they feel good about themselves, so they feel good about me who makes them feel good about themselves. I've never actually made a statement in this world as myself, as something i stand for and as alone, because of fear of being alone with/as myself, fear of not being able to fend for myself in this reality, so believing that i need people to help me survive in this world, to secure my future in this world.

so i ve been extensively creating relationships with people in this reality within this feeling in myself that i need them, or i might need them in the future and the massive fear of myself, of not having capabilities and not being able to take care of myself in this world. so every time i see people i get into this automatic reaction of 'they have to like me' based on the belief that i need them and the fear that i cannot exist alone, that i cannot trust myself. so i continue to compromise myself time and time again when around people, especially people that i see frequently and that have a say over my situation in this world, like the fellow students in my class, my teacher, my landlord, my employer. especially with my fellow students in the kinesiology class that i m attending, i ve allowed myself to participate within these relationships wherein i ve just been so full of shit, just saying what they want to hear, talking like they do, just kind of blending in, afraid of being rejected, kicked out of the group, attacked, if i were to express myself in a way that makes them feel offended and makes them hate me. so now i m just trying to make them love me and accept me as 'one of them' by behaving like them.

i m afraid of what might happen to me if i didn't have the support of the group, wherein they seem to like me because they smile at me and they agree with shit that i say.... as long as its positive and fits into their world of their belief systems as what they like to believe, as long as it makes them feel good about themselves. i m really afraid of being left alone, rejected by them, so i m afraid of offending them, making them angry and upset with me, with something i say. because reality is just not positive, so anything that i would have to say in self honesty, is anything but what people want to hear.

so systems will push me out of their reality as they do with everything that confronts them with the actual fucked up-ness that is themselves, they will use and abuse any and all power that they have over me to push me out of their reality, to silence me and to justify themselves. that s what i m very afraid of: the mean nature of people. like on the playground when we were children, it s like a dog eat dog world where the weak get prayed on, picked on, rejected, pushed out, for no apparent reason but just the self dishonest nature of the human being.

all i remember from school was just lots of fears of the other kids within me and me i was just all the time trying my hardest to fit in, to get the other kids to like me and to just not get picked on as what i saw happening to certain kids who for some reason didn't fit the profile to be popular or acceptable and who were basically attacked without them doing anything but being themselves. so there were those on the playground who were practically worshiped because of some qualities that they had (money, looks, humor) and those that were rejected because of certain qualities that were apparently not acceptable, qualities that exist solely upon coincidence such as looks, money/status, family. there was no kindness, no friendliness, positivity, righteousness, correctness existed.

it was dog eat dog, things like political correctness, kindness, sympathy, empathy, etc only comes when you re grown up, an adult, as if you just change over night and all you ve been and participated with as a kid just disappears. when actually kids as how they express themselves on the playground is the actual nature of the human being, they re just relatively honest about it, and that is the nature that adults hide within themselves, behind all that positive shit. positivity as a justification for our existence, wherein we believe that we are special beings, placed on this earth because we re just so 'good'.

so i experience the kinesiology class as an actual playground like when i was a kid. where all that matters is that you survive within this group, the single goal is to get the support of the group so that i don't stand alone within this cruel reality. but i don't like the experience of myself within that, it makes me feel like shit because i know that i m full of shit, all based on fear. and it seems to be a fear that is me, that i wont ever be able to let go of because it s so extensive and because I've been participating in it my whole life.

so it s like I've never even existed. this has a lot to do with a fear of the future that I've allowed to exist within myself and because of this fear of not surviving in the future i m in every moment only thinking about what i have to do in this moment to ensure my future. thus not actually ever expressing myself within and as the moment as me. but wanting to survive in this reality, means choosing to live in a reality of systems, as a system, supporting a systematic reality that basically sucks and that is unacceptable. but how do i let go of this extensive fear within myself. i apply self forgiveness but this fear is just all that is me, forgiveness seems so futile, i don't see myself change, expressing myself without the fear. because this fear is all I've ever known, how could i experience myself any different?

so i have to give up all I've ever known, been, actually not existing anymore, giving up my entire existence, not expecting there to be anything beyond. basically dying, in this moment here, as each moment is here. standing as the letting go of all that exist within this moment here, as the moment. there s really no change, i will not change, i will not become different, i will not exist at all anymore.
i stand as the letting go of everything within this moment, so this moment is all that exist, there is no future because there is no me. i will not mean anything in this world, i stop participating in this world, i stop existing as 'Kim' in this world, as a picture, as a human, as fears, as belief systems, as definitions, as the search and desire for fame, for meaning, for recognition. there is nothing, silence.

i have to make a decision, the decision to not be a system and to not support a reality of systems. that means that, since all that exist within reality at the moment is systems, i cannot exist within this reality, participating as an identity within this reality, participating within anything that exist in reality. i make and stand as the decision to choose life, to not support the existence of systems, which is basically every little thing that exist within this world; it s all systems, all of it, literally. so there is nothing for me to live for anymore, because nothing is life. my saving grace is breath, as all that is real, all that i am willing to support. till here no further.

it s interesting that in choosing life i m actually choosing death as that which I've always feared, and that fear caused me to slowly but surely kill myself by not actually respecting myself as life as the physical by participating within a mind consciousness system as thoughts feelings and emotions as copied knowledge and information all based on the fear of dying. that s interesting about the human reality, that we re not taking care of life because of our fear of death. why is that? the interesting question is: why do we fear death? what s so 'bad' about dying? where does this belief come from that apparently we must not die, meaning that we must survive at all costs, survive within the physical reality? what is it about death that we fear so much? we fear 'the end', the ending of ourselves as this thing that we've been building up within participating in the human reality. which is just strange, the fact that we build so fiercely towards something within our lives, gathering money like crazy, when it can just all end in the blink of an eye. and it will end.... IT WILL END THE END WILL COME

it could be here even today, or next week, or at the most in about 80 years... but it will come, it will be here one day, as the end is here for all beings at some point. for my parents, grandparents, friends, presidents,kings... and for me. death will come for me, my end will be here for me. so really, what am i waiting for? because when you look at it, all I've really been doing in my life, and all that anyone s doing in their human life, is waiting for it all to end, waiting for death to come. waiting, running, whatever it is, the one inevitable truth in this reality is that it WILL all end, for each and every single being. the one real truth that you can trust on without any doubt about the physical experience is death, is that the physical experience ends at some point in each beings life, human and animal.

so, whatever i do in this reality, all that it could possibly eventually really lead up to, is death, is nothingness, that is the eventuality of my every action. all that i could possibly do within this reality, can only truly end in death, in the loss of everything that I've done and created within this physical reality. so then: can anything i do, whatever it is, really mean anything at all? obviously NOT. can i truly be of importance or meaning in this world? obviously NOT. being important or meaningful or special is only a feeling then, the FEELING that i am important... i m not in reality important, how could i be, when i will die anyway... as if I've never existed in the first place.

so i will die as the belief that i exist, because if i eventually die then i don't even really exist, at least not as how human beings perceive existing(life) and death, wherein humans believe that existing is somehow better or superior to death, because we fear death, we don't want to die, as if it is less than life. but this belief doesn't even really actually exist, because it will just die anyways, and if this belief can die, well, then obviously it isn't really real in the first place, is it?!

how can we humans just miss that point of death? how do we not see the inevitability and eventuality of this life, which is death, as something that just happens in reality, it happens to all of us, to every being around us, and we KNOW that it will happen to us as well, and to our family and friends and everyone we know. so in spite of this unchangeable fact, we still live our life as if we wont die, as if somehow we are the exception to the rule, as if for some reason our life is special, as if my life really means something and so in some way, i wont really die. this is just crazy. the whole of humanity is crazy, for just this one point.

so, how could I miss this point? i missed it because of BELIEF, belief systems. because the idea that i am important and special and that my life is special and that everything i do is special is just a BELIEF, nothing more, i BELIEVE myself to be important and special in spite of what reality clearly shows me as the inevitable truth that cannot be changed by any belief system.

so where does this belief come from and why did i allow this belief to exist within me when it is in clear and obvious contradiction with the actual truth that is here right in front of me to see?
well, obviously this belief came from people who taught me to believe this about myself and reality, because all belief is words and words are all human creations and are only handed down from generations. words are not a pure, natural expression that comes from within me, that exist as me, but words have been taught to me. so why did i allow myself to be taught something that isnt real, 'a belief about reality as myself'?

all i really did in my life, was copy all the humans that i saw around me, i copied my parents, teachers, friends. i repeated their words, their ways of saying things, of moving, of expressing, i became just a copy of my 'environment' as human beings that i see with my eyes and hear with my ears. so why did i allow myself to become a copy? because of FEAR. Fear is really the only motivation for anything and everything that i as human within this human reality do, a deep fear of humans...of my parents more specifically.

so where does this fear come from? fear was a reaction within me when my parents got angry with me, then my parents became these terrifying monsters with ugly faces. and to this i reacted with fear, as to me it looked 'fearful', especially because they seemed to have physical power over me as well, they could actually physically hurt me. and it s this pain that i became afraid of, the pain that my parents inflicted on me when they got angry with me, the physical pain that is actually real and that is just not a pleasant experience.

so this fear of physical discomfort as pain is what seems to be standing in my way at the moment of letting go of the mind and standing as breath. fear that again my parents(as people in general) will get angry with me and hurt me because i m not participating within their belief systems, supporting them as systems as who they've allowed themselves to become. this is what fear is all about: it is a tool of systems to create systems, because a being is easily programmable when they fear you, so if they fear you then they will do anything and become anything that you want them to.

zondag 24 juli 2011

2011 Tourettes

alright.
i finally got the point of 'Tourettes' as what s been existing within myself.
The point where i supress my existence by believing that i exist within other people's reality. i exist within their reality, not the other way around. and so i want to be noticed in their reality, i want recognition from them, so i can feel as though i exist, because they notice me in their reality.
in this, i abdicated all responsability towards reality by believing that this reality that i exist in, everything i experience, all the beings around me, isn't my reality. but i see myself as only a pawn in the reality of other people, thus believing their judgements, their thoughts, experiences, reactions to be more real than me, and more important than me, because this is apparently their reality and not mine.
totally missing the point that this reality only exist because i exist, because i breathe, because i am.
i exist within constant tension because i believe myself to be only what other people think of me, believing that this is their reality that i exist in, so i want a good judgement, i want them to accept me so i can feel accepted and acceptable. i want them to respect me so i can feel respected.
existing this way is obviously very stressful because i m always painfully aware of what everyone around me could possibly think of me, actually believing me to be all of those thoughts.

2011 mirroring my face



right side of my face mirrored


left side of my face mirrored



















I ve mirrored both sides of my face to really see each side of myself in totality. And this gives me two totally different expressions, like two totally different people entirely. I see the ‘right’ face as very masculine and the ‘left’ face as more soft and feminine. The right is extremely serious, with a very long face and chin, eyes straight forward, very serious look. But I see fear and sadness in the eyes, because the eyes seem pushed back into the face, much insecurity. The left face is much more open, looks calm and relaxed, at least more than the right one, eyes are big and wide. The right face has almost that ‘sad puppy’ face where the eyelids sort of push the eyes to the middle as if to look up, asking for pity. While the left face’s eyes look much more stable, not asking for anything, just being here. So although the left face seems much stronger, masculine, serious, inside, which is seen in the eyes, it is not strong at all, it is even asking for pity, it feels lost and desperate, it is searching and looking.
Now the left face isn’t trying to be strong, isn’t trying to be serious and keep it all together, it is just open, but in the eyes I see much more actual strength then I see in the eyes of the right face, because the left one just is, within acceptance of reality as it is, so not looking for anything, so not lost or desperate either.
I also notice that with the right face the upper lip looks larger than the lower lip, but in the left face the lower lip looks bigger than the upper lip, it s even a big difference that I can see.
With Anthony it is very obvious that his upper lip is much bigger than his lower lip, it is like a DNA thing in his family. And when I look in the mirror, I would say that my lower lip is bigger than my upper lip. So I guess we re a good match lip-wise.
Expression-wise, I ve always experienced that he is the one in our relationship who expresses his wants, needs and desires to me and I ve never really done that because I was so afraid of losing him. So I adapted myself to what he wants and who he is, I changed myself to please him. And he was always the one to become angry with me over silly little things and start shouting and yelling at me and blaming me, because he didn’t like what I do. While me, when I get angry, I keep it in my mind, I suppress it because I don’t really trust myself, I doubt and question myself all of the time. So I suppress my expression. But Anthony seems very at ease with expressing himself. He s always talking about what he wants as if it is the word of God. And I actually believed that, I believed that, because he seems so sure of himself, he must know what is right and wrong, good and bad, because he behaves like he holds that truth. And I never trusted myself in my expression, I felt lost and confused so I desired to just have someone else to tell me who I am, what I have to do and what is right and what is wrong.
But as far as the pictures go, I have to say that the left face reminds me more of Anthony than the right one, because it seems more sure of itself, it doesn’t have that puppy eyed look of the right one, who looks like she’s just looking for guidance.

what i also see is that the left face looks like it would want to defend itself, like it could attack. while the right face looks harmless, it wouldnt hurt a fly, it would even let itself be attacked without fighting back, because it looks so sad and powerless. and i know i do that: on one hand i often let people walk all over me and i easily give myself up and give up on myself, but on the other hand i can really defend myself and i easily feel attacked by people. i often feel like people are trying to gain power over me and then i want to defend myself, let them see that they will not have power over me, i am a strong girl, that even i have intellectual power over them. like i m fighting for my place in the world, fighting for respect.

zaterdag 23 juli 2011

2011 sex talk

in the very core of my being lies all of what i was never allowed to talk about or express within this reality according to my parents and in extent of that, my teachers. which is basically sex and everything that has to do with sex.

i must never talk about sex or sexuality, i must not utter the word, like masturbation, oh no, that's a very bad dirty word... but i do it, and i desire it, but i dont even know why, and because i cannot talk about it, or ask questions about it because that would be dirty and bad, i will never be able to investigate it, and discover where it comes from and in that discover who i really am.

these 'secrets' within myself, this secret reality that must not be expressed, is what really exist within myself and what determines my very experience within myself. the very fact that my parents will do anything to keep me from expressing these desires that according to them are 'bad' and 'dirty' and 'must not exist', meens that i cannot express myself, because this is myself, this is what i know about myself so far, all of my experience within this world, even though i dont know who and why i am and what it is that exist within me and why and how. and my parents are about the only people that i trust with my life within this world, they told me and taught me to trust them and only them, they wont listen to who i really am, they will intentionally ignore the reality that exist within me and i am not heard and i dont know what to do with this stuff, these feelings, desires, that exist within me, but hide it and, just like my parents, pretend that it doesnt exist.

but it isnt ok, because this stuff exist within me, and i m just supposed to think 'no it is bad, i mustnt think it, and if i do i mustnt talk about it' and expect it to go away? well, it doesnt work that way, because that's what i ve been doing my entire life and it hasen't gone away, it's still right here, completely out of controle, like this completely seperate, secret reality inside of myself that's gone and lived its own life, completely out of my control, that it even scares me. so... now i m afraid of myself!

now, nowhere i could talk about this, because it has to do with sex. i wouldnt be able to talk to people about it in a normal, investigative way, because people give so much energy and attention and meaning to even the words that have to do with sex that they are afraid of their own reactions towards the words, so the words must not be spoken. so we invent words and ways to describe it when we re talking about sex, so we dont really have to use the actual direct word 'sex' or 'masturbation', think about how many words and expressions exist to say and describe sex and masturbation, we make jokes about it, we over react, but we cant just talk about it within the realisation that sex and masturbation is just an expression that exist within this reality, that we can investigate by talking about it, by putting it out in the open and asking ourselves questions about it, very simple.

people are fucked up inside because they cannot be open about sex, about the one thing in this world they want the most, they cant just talk openly and normally without shame or reactions about it. and even if you have reactions to words or pictures of sex, you should be able to talk about that. to be open about sex would simply meen being open about yourself as who you are in entirety, what could be wrong with that? why cant we just talk openly about everything? because we feel ashamed of these things. people feel ashamed of themselves within themselves. why else do they refuse so much to talk about what they really feel and think and what really drives them to move in this world? we hold onto this shame as if it is who we really are 'bad' and so we should live in shame of our apparent 'badness'. never expressing ourselves really, keeping it all hidden and making sure that it remains hidden within the beings around us aswell, like children.

when i was eleven, a friend at school had an anatomy book with her so we could look at the naked bodies depicted inside because by then we figured out that apparently there was something secretive and exiting about a naked body. and a nurse came up to us and took the book away because it was apparently a 'bad' book with 'bad' pictures. when all it was was pictures of naked human bodies... a scientific anatomy book at that. so you ve got to ask yourself 'what the fuck is going on here?', which we didnt at the moment because we were so gullible to just believe the nurses' rigidness to be right. the nurse knew that we werent looking at the pictures to learn about anatomy, she knew that we were looking at the picture to feel certain feelings inside ourselves, feelings that she as a nurse had judged as 'bad' inside herself, so she would judge us kids as herself as 'bad' because of what we were expressing as what we were showing her that exist within herself. the feelings that we were apparently feeling was entirely her interpretation of reality though, because we might aswell have been studying anatomy. but this just shows how obsessed human beings are actually about sex and everything that has to do with it, so obsessed that they see it every where but they wont be honest about it. they ll shunn it, ignore it, supress it, fight it, because they ve learned that 'sex/sexuality is bad'.


i ve learned to react with shame when talking about sex, or hearing the word sex. ill hide myself, ignore what s going on, change the subject. but when i m alone with myself i ll look for it. i ll put on a porno movie and participate in those things that i never talk about.

i feel exited when i see a woman getting raped, violated, sexually dominated by a man. and i ve always felt ashamed for feeling that exitement about this. i try to stop it in myself, pretend like it s not there but time and time again i search for that exitement. i would never talk about it to anyone especially my parents. my dad read my self forgiveness lines in a book once that i had done about my reactions to porno and sexual pictures and he came to me and said that that is the reason why self forgiveness is bad, because of what i had written. from all of what was in the book, that is what he wants to talk about and blame me for. i was basically opening up and he attacks me on it, trying to make me feel ashamed of expressing myself. and it s been like that previously in my life. where my dad just points his finger at me as if i should feel ashamed about myself without explaining why or talking about it, leaving me ashamed of myself not even knowing why or how to change myself.

i ve believed my dads' rigidness, his blame, his hate, his fear, his judgements to be real because i trusted him, my daddy. so i ve lived my life in shame of myself, not even fully understanding why, just accepting it as reality as me because that s what my dad showed me.

when people were kissing on the television, i turned my head away when my family was watching tv with me because i wouldnt want them to think that i am reacting to that, i wanted my dad to see that i am a 'very good girl' who would never feel such shameful feelings as desires when watching people expressing sexuality within kissing, touching and sex. to me my dad was perfect, he would never react like that to sexual pictures, or so it seemed. i was the rotten one, the bad one, with the bad habbits, the bad desires. that s how i see all people around me, they are so perfect, or so they seem, so much better, purer than me, and i am the disgusting, dirty one. so i deserve to be punished by living my life in shame and never expressing myself and always being submissive towards other people, like a servant, serving others, letting me be abused by other people, truly believing that no matter what people do, they will never be worse than me, they will still remain perfect. and me i am always imperfect.

2011 self respect

my biggest forgiveness point within myself that i can see at the moment is self respect.
i ve never respected myself, and this is my experience in this reality witin relationships with other people aswell: that they dont respect me, no one really respects me. and all i want is that other people would just respect me, that they would have some recognition for what i do and say, but nobody ever does. people just see me from their mind wherein they are superior and they look down on me. and so i look down on me when i feel like someone else is looking down on me. which is what i feel almost all of the time.

and all of the time i am fighting and struggling to make other people realise and see who i am, i want them to see that i am actually a very smart, intelligent girl and that i know what i am doing, opposed to what they may think of me.

to my family and friends i was just 'lost and confused', that's their simplistic onedimensional vision on me within this process, they felt like they had to save me... from my own stupidity, because apparently i am too stupid to even know what i am doing with my life. and this self forgiveness stuff, to them it was something strange that i was getting involved with, i was starting to act strange, and it scared them. so they tried to change me by telling me i was doing bad things, what i am doing is not ok and i have to change back to how i was before all this, when i was behaving relatively normal

but this is something i noticed within human beings, within all of us, is that we dont really notice each other, we live next to each other. even within the family construct: it seems that the closer you are living with someone, the more you are actually blind to who this being is. i was never really ok within my life, always so many fears and stress, but nobody noticed. my parents didnt notice, as long as my behaviour and my way of dressing myself was in order and normal, than everyting was normal.
all of us, we feel like shit within our lives, and in spite of us having a family of people around us who supposedly care about us and are there for us, still we feel so alone within the experience of ourselves. we get depressed and nobody around us really notice. nobody, not our friends or family, see our fears and uncertenties.... and then someone kills themselves, and the rest of us never saw it coming, we dont know why, we never even thought that something was the matter.

at a certain point in my life i wanted to kill myself, and i was all alone in that. i found out that my brother was really depressed too in his life, he has ADHD, had to take pills, basically he was never a 'good kid' and he couldnt help it. i was never aware of this, i didnt notice anything. i was so involved with only my own thoughts, desires, wants, needs, that i did not see what was happening to the beings that were the closest to me, that i saw everyday , the very people right there in my life, i didnt see them. and they didnt see me.

anyways, so self respect.
my constant search for recognition and respect from others for what i say and do is because i dont respect myself. i even believe that i dont really deserve forgiveness because i dont respect myself and i never have and because of the things that i ve allowed myself to do in my life because of the disrespect towards myself. so within process i ve never trusted forgiveness because i didnt feel worthy, i thought 'it isnt for me'. so thats why almost all the time i am creating situations in my life where i really feel disrespected and where i am fighting for my respect, to be heard by other people, but the more i fight, the more i feel weak and disrespected.

this is the deepest construct within myself, the reason why i never really wanted to be alone with me, is because i actually believe myself to be unworthy of life, of self realisation, of forgiveness, of standing up.
all those demons can forgive themselves, but not me, because me as the center of my reality is the worst of all mankind, the worst of them all, beyond fathoming. bad and rotten to the core, because i am the core. and all starts within me.

so i must realise forgiveness as me by finding a way to actually really forgive myself and in that stand as self forgiveness, forever trusting self forgiveness as me as the living breathing application of me.