2011 fear of dying unraveled

a thing that motivates me to be dishonest in this reality, to lie, to manipulate, to cheat, just so that i would 'get' something in this world, be it money or friends and companions or to be accepted by some group, is fear of death and dying.

the belief that 'i must stay alive at whatever costs' and this 'whatever costs' can be for instance pretty severe lying to and manipulating of other people, because apparently i 'have to' do that otherwise some 'bad' things might happen to me in the future.

i exist to ensure my future, to ensure that i will still be alive in the future because 'still being alive in the future', is what fear of dying is all about.

so why do i fear dying? i fear dying because of things that i ve heard about dying, .. and they were all negative. i ve for instance heard from someone that 'you are so screwed if you allow yourself to die' or that you can go to hell when you die. or that when you die, the body is still aware, so you will feel the maggots underground gnawing at your feet, etc. there exist a general fear of dying within reality, a fear that i ve encountered within my parents and family. when somebody dies, people get weird, they dont know what to say, they feel awkward, they behave as though something so absolutely awful and terrible has just happened that we cannot even talk about it in a normal way. and i ve noticed that, when someone dies, actually secretly we're all thinking 'thank got that it wasn't me' and 'thank god that that didn't happen to my family', which is why we have such a hard time talking about it when someone has died, because there is so much secret selfish backchat going on, that all has to do with each beings personal fear of dying and being faced and confronted with death.

so, when it comes to death, i ve learned not to talk about it, to just not mention it, because talking about death is somehow 'inappropriate' because people don't like to think about death, they don't like to be confronted with the fact that one day they will die, one day we will all die, it's a natural thing.
this only shows that clearly we are living our lives within and as the deliberate denial of death, as a natural inevitable thing that will happen to all of us sooner or later.
people want to feel good, and when you bring up death in a conversation, it makes them feel 'not so good', it makes us feel uneasy. so this means that feeling good is actually denying what is REAL, because we can only feel good when we don't talk about what is real, which is death for instance, or other things that are real and that we best not mention too much in 'feel good'-conversations are war, starving children in Africa, animal/child abuse, people that have been marginalized by the system forcing them to live on the streets and that don't have a future, etc...

i mean, this is the actual real physical reality, things that are happening in this world as we speak, and that is the only thing that we cannot really speak about. we can make 'chitchat' but talking about what is actually going on in reality, forget it.
because reality and the real situation of this world reminds us too much of death.

so, what do i fear about dying? what could be so 'bad' about dying. for some reason i seem to think and believe that dying is a 'bad' thing, as in 'i'm not allowed/supposed to die', i HAVE TO stay alive. which is actually strange, because i will die eventually.

and what does dying actually mean? dying means being alone with myself, returning to 'the source', losing everything, being in the great void... so what i am afraid of is ME, my experience when i'm dead, which is HELL. my own self created hell as the experience that exist and that could exist within myself. i mean, aside from what people have told me about dying, in the end, when i die, i will just be with me, alone, and it wont matter what anyone has told me about dying, that it is bad or that i will end up in hell or be eternally screwed or whatever. no matter how long i ve been postponing death in my lifetime, death will be a reality, so 'hell' will be a reality, when i ve died, hell or heaven, it all depends on me. death will show me who i truly am, the experience of myself 'dead', will reveal to me who i am inside, as that which has always been there, underneath the sur'face' of the physical reality, underneath all of those 'good feelings'.

it is not acceptable in any way to fear dying, to live in fear of death, because clearly, death is me, i will be with me when i ve died, only with me. so, it is unacceptable to be afraid of me. because, consider this: i will live maybe up to 90 years on this earth, within the human physical body, seemingly 'with other people', and then i will spend an ETERNITY in death, alone with me, and that's a hell of a lot longer than the time that i spent here in the physical, pretending that i am not alone, which is what every human being actually believes: that we are not alone.
no, we are apparent identities and personalities that are in constant relation to other people like family and friends. 'we' are a 'group', a society/family/friends/country/etc... if you look at people, all they do is form groups and then express themselves AS that group. for instance a religion, the people 'in' the religious group will express themselves within and as the beliefs and opinions of the group. they will not express themselves as a being that stand alone, no they have in fact 'become' the group, believing that they are not alone. but then, inevitably, death comes, and will come as a surprise and a shock for people, because it will show us that we ARE alone and we've actually always been alone.

i mean, i m not saying that groups aren't real, i m saying that it is cool to be in a group and to participate in a group of people, as beings that simply come together, but only from the perspective of standing within and as the absolute realization that in essence you are alone, this is where you came from and where you will return to in death: yourself. standing as this realization you wont easily define yourself to or 'give up your life' for a group, for 'other people', as something that is apparently 'outside of yourself', you wont easily be led into acts where you compromise yourself for the sake of 'what the group wants' because you would realise that, when you die and thus return to self, you'll have to live with the decisions that you made, so if you've compromised yourself for something that was never actually real from the perspective that it just 'vanishes' at death, then you'll be faced with your disrespect towards yourself and you'll have to find a way to forgive yourself and live with yourself alone again.

so from this perspective: death will be hell if you have in fact been dishonest towards yourself within your physical life, if you have allowed yourself to participate within the illusion that you are apparently 'not alone' and when you have, within that, 'given yourself away' to a group so you could 'belong to the group' and get support from the group because you feared death as being alone with you. this is the real hell: when you then have to face yourself before yourself when you've died (which, again, is inevitable).
i mean, in my life, my worst fear has been to be alone with myself, and i found that normal, because the beings around me like my parents and friends, my apparent reality supported this fear and they supported the idea that 'i am not really alone', they made it seem as though mommy and daddy will always be here to take care of me, to comfort me, to protect me,...
this is why it would hurt so much to lose a parent or a family member, because i ve allowed myself to actually believe that they would be with me 'forever', never realizing and accepting the reality of death... because nobody ever told me about what reality really is. my parents would just sort of brainwash me into believing that i am 'their little girl', that 'they created me' and that i am completely linked to them and dependent on them and so they are apparently a 'part of who i am', a belief system that is actually responsible for so much suffering in this world because we believe that we actually lose a part of ourselves when we lose a parent or someone that we've created a 'link'/relationship with.

it's interesting that this fear of dying is our biggest fear and the thing that we're trying to ignore and escape from the most in our world, but it is also the only real reality, it is the only thing that is a fact, a certainty, an inevitability.
it seems so crazy that i've ever feared death and that i have accepted this as my experience of life and living, because what is more absurd then to fear something that is going to happen anyways, it's just nature. just goes to show how disconnected i was from nature and reality. and if i am not (connected to) nature/reality, then what the hell am i?

this is really fucked up, people!!! it is about time that we start to understand this, that we start to actually look at where our fears come from, because for instance our biggest fear, fear of dying, is the greatest illusion/joke of all times, because why the hell should we fear death? give me one reason! fearing death is like not accepting life/existence, because this is what exist: we live, we die, and that's it. who are we to say or think that this isn't good or ok? who are we to say that death and dying is 'bad'? who are we to judge existence? because that would imply that we are 'above' life, when we are clearly not, because we are very much subjected to the rules of life which is 'you live', 'you die'.

for some reason, we ve created this idea/belief that 'life' is better than 'death', that when you are 'alive', you are 'better' or 'more' than if you were dead, which is the basis for our fear of dying. not realizing obviously that such a belief system can only exist when you are 'alive' within the physical reality, because then you have a mind, you can think and feel, you can react to what your eyes see, so you can believe in shit. but when you're dead all this would not even exist, you would not be 'less' then when you were alive, you'd just be dead. you'd probably just realize that all those things that you believed in when 'alive', weren't even real in the first place.

so, people, let's be real specific within asking ourselves where this fear of dying comes from, that makes us do the most idiotic and self-compromising things. lets research the real reality that is here under our very noses and that tells us how and what things really are and how and what life really is in spite of what our parents/family/religion/... have told us. let us dare to face life that is here as that which we've always disregarded and ignored and let us dare to question ourselves and our accepted reality as belief systems and fears.


If you are ready to face yourself as the mind and write yourself to freedom, rebirthing yourself as a new being that in fact takes responsability for Life and can start acting in a way that will support the establishment of a New system for a New World, then join Desteni I Process and investigate Equal Money.

Thank you.

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2011 what would the world be like if you were the example of every existing human being in the world?

it is an interesting point to look at that every human being believe that if everyone else were more like 'me', the world would be such a better place.

obviously you have the activists and the spiritualists and the religious followers of all the different types of religions there exist, which are the people who are most noticeably professing that they are 'right' and that everyone who is not like them (who does not believe what they do and who does not look and behave like they do)are 'wrong' and should become like them.
but then there is the 'normal' people, just living their 'normal' lives, living up to the generally accepted 'norm' of society of what it means to be a 'good person/citizen/human', but who also within their own lives live out a certain set of beliefsystems about reality and about what it means to 'live a good life' and to be 'good' and 'right' that are supported within the relationships that they form as friendships. within the relationships that they form with other beings they will share their opinions and views on what reality apparently is, believing that these opinions and views shared within the group of friends, are 'right'. they judge and reject the people that do not share these views and opinions or views and opinions that are similar to theirs, only really communicating with their 'friends' as the group that support each others views and opinions about what reality apparently is and how it should be.

which is actually exactly what the religious, spiritual, activist,... people are doing, only less fanatic.

so, in reality, because of this fact: that every human being in this world has their own idea and belief of what is right and wrong and what should be done and what the world and people should be like, and they live their lives according to these beliefs and ideas and perceptions about reality and people, obviously each and every human being believe themselves to be the example of how and who every human being should be, and we all believe individually that if everyone were like me, the world would be a better place.

so, a question: if we are all, according to ourselves, living the 'right' and the 'good' way, then why is this world not a better place?
how come this world isn't good and right according to the example of us, 'good' beings, which is each of us, within our own mind, believing ourselves to be 'good' and 'right' and to be doing the 'good' and 'right' things?

obviously the answer of every person to this question would be: 'because it is other people who dont know what they're doing!', 'it is all those religious people, it is al quaida, it is the governments and politicians that are corrupt, it is the banks that are cheaters and liars, it is the corporations, it is the system, the schools, the teachers, other parents, etc', 'me, i am doing my best, i am being good, doing the right thing, so if everyone would be more like me, there'd be no problems'.


ok, lets do that for a moment: let's imagine that all beings are like you, like 'me'/'I'. so based on the answer you gave to my previously asked question, that means that all beings would be blaming and pointing fingers and judging all existing structures and beings that exist in the world, because that is exactly what you are doing. it means that no one would be taking responsability for anything that exist because only 'I'/'me' is good and all that agrees with me, but all the rest is bad and corrupt. now you may say 'but, if everyone were like me, all would agree with me, so all would be good'

in this though, you seem to be missing the point that who you are as a being is defined by how you express yourself in the world as it currently exists and as how it has been existing since you were born, because you as a being have been ‘raised’ within this world, you have been fed by this world, you participate in this world, everything of who you are is determined by the structures that exist within this world. So therefore you cannot just see yourself as somehow ‘separate’ from the rest of reality.
So who you are as how you express yourself within and as this world, is a being that do not take any real responsibility for all that exist, for all of reality, because all you do is blame. So therefore, if all beings were like you, no one would be taking any responsibility for what is happening in reality as a whole, no one would apply themselves to actually create a world that truly is ‘good’ and ‘right’ as who and how you believe yourself to be. And that is exactly what is going on in the world today, because the shocking truth : is that everyone IS like you, in that we all believe that we are not self responsible for what exist in this world that we exist in.
So we must first investigate what it means and implies to truly stand as the example of the human being, to truly stand within and as the absolute certainty that, if all were like me, then there would be no problems in the world.



If you are ready to face yourself as the mind and write yourself to freedom, rebirthing yourself as a new being that in fact takes responsability for Life and can start acting in a way that will support the establishment of a New system for a New World, then join Desteni I Process and investigate Equal Money.

Thank you.

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2011 fear is an addiction

fear is an addiction
my experience in life and of life has never really been 'nice'. i was always, and am still a little bit a 'stressful' and anxious person. i had lots of 'nervous tics': making noises with my nose, stretching my neck more than normal, pushing my eyes closed until it hurt, etc. being around people that weren't my parents or my friends (so people that i knew really well and that knew me really well and of who i knew that they liked and accepted me) was pretty much hell for me as i felt so much anxiety and stress.

the anxiety and stress was a fear of 'what they might think of me' a fear of being rejected because of my expression, fear of being laughed at or mocked, fear of being hated and spat out by the group. fear that they would judge me as being 'stupid' or 'dumb' or 'weird' or in some way 'abnormal' or 'unacceptable'.
i still experience this fear as anxiety at my workplace or at school, it's worse in group then when i am alone with a being.

so this has always been a big transcendance point for me, and in process i've actually been fighting this point, resisting this point because it is so unpleasant for me, so i want it to stop, i want to not feel the fear or the anxiety, i want to not feel like people are judging me when i am speaking to them, i want to stop suppressing my expression because of fear of being judged. so i desired to be 'self realised' as in 'standing above the point', 'having control over the point'.

i experienced it as a sort of struggle/battle with people where it felt like standing up as myself is 'standing up to them', because what i was still allowing myself to do is judge others for my experience of being judged, i still saw other people around me as 'meen', as if they could really hurt me with their judgements and in this obviously i was not taking responsability for my creation as my experience as here as alone as reality.

i wasn't taking responsability for the fact that, within my life experience, i ve grown 'accustomed' to the self judgements, to feeling 'bad' and 'sad' and feeling like 'shit', to the low self asteem, the self pity, the feeling of being attacked and disliked, the feeling of being 'not good enough' and 'unaccepted'. those feelings that at some moment in my life have taken root because i allowed certain expressions of my parents/environment to influence me as an 'identity' as an 'image' of self have gone and lived a life of their own with me fueling them with energy by participating in the thoughts/emotions/feelings of this experience, leaving me to feel and believe that i am a victim of this experience, as if it is this 'thing' inside of me that is 'just there' as it always has, it is 'just the way i react, just the way i am'/'just the way reality is'.

i believed that it was 'reality' of 'people' 'around me', not realising the fact that it is me experiencing myself within this reality, my experience of reality, that i 'chose' for myself. apparently i 'chose' to experience myself in a 'shit' way, a 'negative', self destructive and hurtful way. i 'chose' to participate within specific fears and ideas and beliefsystems and feelings towards and about reality as what i see 'around me', believing that it is not me creating this experience of 'reality'. and within this belief i saw 'realising self as the creator, as here' as me as the self image within 'reality' 'realising' herself, wherein i still experience reality as a 'struggle' and a 'battle', 'defending' myself from 'other people', as what the battle that i ve experienced within my entire life was always about.

i ve never realised my responsability towards the battle in itself that i have created, as all the definitions and judgements and beliefsystems about myself as the core of my being from where i see 'reality' and that make up my experience of 'other people'. so in this, my definitions and ideas about myself as the experience of myself create the experience of 'reality' as 'other people', as that which i ve always believed to be 'real'/'reality', that which has always been 'just the way it is'.

i ve become addicted to this experience of reality as 'feeling bad about myself', which is why i keep participating in it. you'd think that i can just 'choose' a different experience of myself and reality, but i never did, because i ve actually allowed myself to become addicted to the energy that i create within participating in definitions and judgements about myself and thus about reality, because this allows me to feel 'unique' and 'special', it makes me feel like 'someone', because i feel and think and react.




If you are ready to face yourself as the mind and write yourself to freedom, rebirthing yourself as a new being that in fact Lives for Life and can start acting in a way that will support the establishment of a New system for a New World, then join Desteni I Process and investigate Equal Money.

Thank you.

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http://equalmoney.org
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2011 the illusion of comparison

in my life i've extensively been comparing myself with other people. i ve always looked at other people living their lives, often wondering 'why can't i be like that? Why isn't my life 'perfect' like theirs? Why aren't i having fun like they are?'. i saw all of the things that they had and i did not, like a relationship, lots of friends, a charismatic and charming personality, social skills, spontaneity, good looks, and i asked 'why?!' to god or whoever was responsible for my apparent 'shit' experience within my life, 'why is life so unfair?' i asked.

within this process of realising myself as life thru self forgiveness and self honesty i was doing exactly the same thing: comparing myself with the other beings in process and seeing all the things that they seem to do 'better' or 'faster' than me. i was looking at their process and their 'skills' and applications and often it made me feel lost and doubtful about my own application. which is basically what i ve been experiencing my entire life.

and then i wake up one day, finding myself in a job that i dont like but have to do, afraid of the world, locking myself up in my home, afraid of people and myself, feeling lonely and feeling as though i have no capabilities and have absolutely no practical skills in this reality. obviously my first reaction is to look at other people and go 'why can't i be like that? Why can't my life work out like that? Why, why, why...'. but then, while applying self forgiveness on this point of feeling inferior and lost and incapable, i realised an eye-opening point, i realised that all i ve been doing my whole life is looking at other people's lives. i ve never been aware within the steps i made within my life that led me to whare i stand at this moment because i was too busy minding my bussiness with other people's steps.

and within this comparing myself, i'm actually keeping myself from even noticing my own life and what is happening to it and what i am doing. i m not noticing that these moments wherein i could be taking my life into my own hands and actually 'make it work' by being aware of the moment and the consequences of the steps that i am taking in the moment, what i m actually doing is blindly following someone else who is now apparently taking responsability for my life so that i can spend all of my time comparing myself and my life that is passing me by to other people's lives, feeling sorry for myself, not realising that this is how i am actually creating the 'mess' that is my life, that i then compare to someone else's life, like a vicious circle.

i can apparently use this 'comparing myself to others' as an excuse for not taking responsability for my life, because as long as i m looking at someone else, i m not looking at and seeing myself, thus not seeing my responsability towards myself as my life in every moment of breath.
Anu told me 'Kim, you do realise that you are alone in this process?' and at that moment i didn't understand what he said, but now i see it.
i am completely alone responsible for every step that i take, every breath that i breathe, because what i do in each moment here has a consequence that will manifest as my life in the future that will also be a moment here. comparing myself will not assist or support me at all, it will only keep me trapped within the feeling and the belief that i am incapable and inferior and lost, and within that creating a 'fucked up' experience for myself within and as my life.

it is something that is 'hard to believe' or fathom because i ve lived my entire life believing that this experience of life as me apparently existing within a group of people, apparently not alone and apparently not responsible for how i experience myself, was real. this belief was the entirety of my mind, my personality, my identity, the one thing that kept me from ever realising who i am as HERE, as ALONE, as the directive principle of life. how could i have been living this lie for so long? How could this life that i've been living, being convinced that this is 'the way it is' and that this is 'who i am' and 'what reality is', have been just a lie? that's not possible. it's a hard thing to face.




If you are ready to face yourself as the mind and write yourself to freedom, rebirthing yourself as a new being that in fact Lives for Life and can start acting in a way that will support the establishment of a New system for a New World, then join Desteni I Process and investigate Equal Money.

Thank you.

http://desteni.co.za
http://equalmoney.org
http://desteniiprocess.com

2011 a world war in the making

my whole life i ve been living 'the good life', and within process, its easy to judge myself and to judge my life.
but this is not what process really mean, what process really mean is letting go of that 'good life', wherein i spend my days in and as my mind, surrounded by good people, doing good things, feeling happy and having fun.

lets say a third world will happen soon, a greater war than anything this world has ever face, and it will. so much death and destruction that will inevitably mean the end of my good life, the end of fun, the end of being happy, the end of my perfect family, my perfect environment of birthday parties, watching the latest movies, wearing the latest fashion, going out with friends, laughing, being loved and cared for by my parents...

fear will destroy this all, our shared fear of dying, reality will become a really bad place, all those things that i ve been participating in as if it will be and remain like this for ever and ever, and as if it has always been this way, will come to a brutal end, and i will not believe it, the disbelief of what is happening to me will be painful because i ve allowed myself to create a world of goodness and happiness and justness and niceness as if those things are an actual given in this world, given by god for me to live out this special life wherein i can feel special.

but lets take a look at history, life here in belgium or anywhere in the world has certainly not always been like this. quite the contrary, only the last seventy years or so, which isnt even as long as i m probably going to live. there's been WW1 and then WW2, many people died and suffered. my own great grandparents lost their home in a bombing, there was nearly enough food to survive on. my great grandfather was sent to concentration camps, his family and all that he loved and knew, all that was good to him and made him feel good, had been taken away from him--this is what a war does. and imagine, the last war has ended only half a decade ago. so how is it that i can just live this life within complete ignorance and blindness of this point, how can i live this life believing that what is happening in this physical reality at this moment as how life has simply been for me since the moment i was born, is really all there is and all there has ever been?

this point would cause me to, when in fact faced with war, feel completely lost and abandoned, asking 'why?!!' to god or whoever would listen because i never saw it coming because i wouldn't see the reality of this actually having a big chance of happening to me within my lifetime--if i would just take a good look at history.

the way i ve always been living my life is as though there never was war, as if there never was slavery and concentration camps, and as if there isn't abuse in this world going on at the very moment that i am here breathing, living my life, because i can even see it in the news, on television, people talk about it, but still i just cannot see that this is the reality that i live in--and war is inevitable when taking a look at history. somehow we human beings think and believe that we ve apparently evolved beyond that, beyond the point of war because we ve been thru it and we vowed to never have to go thru it again. somehow we ve become more loving, this is a belief shared by especially the new age and spiritual people who profess love, as if love has saved the world, love has changed and will change people and therefore there will be no more bad things such as war, it will not happen to us, because we are loving.

this is however just a belief, the belief of 'war will not happen to me because i am loving and good', but a belief is just an excuse to not look at the stone cold reality of this world, the reality that exist beyond me and my happy, fun, loving life, the reality that strangely enough i am a part of, the reality that is of 'human beings', human beings as a collective, as a whole. human beings that have shaped this world since the beginning, human beings as what we read in our history books, that s human beings, and we are those human beings still today, a collective that moves according to the 'human nature'. and the human nature is what can be seen in history books. the human nature is what can be seen within myself, only me, if i take me out of the equation for a moment, if i have a look at myself i see that the nature of myself as a human being is that i define myself according to my past, according to my memories, things that i ve done and things that have happened to me. and it s a funny thing that, if i look self honestly, then i can clearly see that i ve never actually learned from my own 'mistakes', it s more like my mistakes haunt me, they make me feel so bad about myself that its even more likely that i ll make them again believing this to be my nature. i have not forgiven my mistakes, i have not forgiven my past at all. so if i take this my nature within the equation of this entire reality of human beings again, and we look at the memory of the collective human being, being aware now of the nature of self as me as a human being wherein i define myself according to my mistakes rather than learning from them then i can predict that, as it is in my own life, our future will in fact be worse than our past.

because we have not evolved, we have not over night turned into loving beings that all of a sudden are not going to create war. in spite of what people apparently think, evolving as a being actually takes work and effort, the first step in evolving as a being is that you become aware of yourself, of your past and of what you are doing to yourself in your own world, which is that you are not learning from your mistakes, but you are in fact taking the mistakes that you ve made in your life as an example of who you are because you do not and have never forgiven yourself for it. we human beings have not even reached this first step of self awareness.

we cannot change what we ve created which is this reality of self destruction, at the moment spiralling down towards a third world war, if we do not forgive ourselves within our own lives, each being for themselves. because here s something that those light workers that believe that love will save us all and that love will fix the world into a better place, must understand: there's nothing that will magically save us from our own nature, the destructive nature of man, because it is the human collective that shape this world as it always has. if anything, the whole spirituality/new age scene has been created by humans as an ultimate way to not face the actuality of the fucked up-ness of this age of man that is currently playing out, because the reality at this moment in human evolution has gotten so self destructive that its hard to watch. so then as sort of a desperate measure that is the ultimate statement of self destruction, we go on and create an 'alternative reality' of love and light that cover up the real reality of pain and destruction. this is the ultimate statement of self destruction because at this point we will even choose to not stand and watch our own creation, we make a decision to litteraly cover our eyes, blind them with light, so we cannot even see what is happening and what is inevitably going to happen in this physical reality. we made the decision that our nature is so fucked up that we cannot stand it and so instead of standing up and practically fixing it, instead of fixing ourselves as the creators of this mess, we will see it as an already lost cause so why not lose ourselves in an alternate reality as love and light, because we re lost anyway. within this point of having created spirituality as love and light, something that is spreading among human beings, we ve fucked ourselves eternally.

so what is it that made it so easy for me to live a life within this physical human reality without any awareness of the human nature, without any awareness of how my life has been created? my life being all the things i participate in, all the things that i define myself to, all the things that i apparently cannot do without, like the love of my parents, family and friends, the good feelings that i feel doing the things i like in this reality, in which i can have fun with the people i love and that love me. this is all those things that will leave me hurting and suffering, lost and desperate if they were taken away from me. my entire life , the reason that i can feel good doing what i do within reality, is specific, it is because i am in a certain situation of money, determined by my specific placement within this reality that is determined by the randomness of birth. my entire situation from the moment i was born within this physical human reality, has been randomly decided. so based on the principle of randomness that decide where a being is born, in what family, what country, what status, what name, what color, etc... i could have been anyone because i could have been born into a completely different situation, having become a completely different person/personality, defined by different things and people, loving/needing different people that i can apparently not do without in my world.

and this principle of randomness in itself that has decided my entire life as how i experience it at this very moment, as who i believe myself to be, is something that connects me to reality in its entirety because it shows me that all of what i know and am at this moment has been given to me, so why could it not just be taken away from me. and the same principle goes for every being in reality, in this point we are equal and one.
so, back to why i could never see this point and live within and as the realization of this point: when i look around me i can see that my parents, family, friends and pretty much everyone in my environment lives within the exact same ignorance as the ignorance that i ve discovered within myself within the process of becoming self honest. it s as though these people have collectively created a little world that support ignorance and blindness towards the bigger reality of the human being in total, and it's interesting to notice that this self created world of ignorance stretches from the world of my direct environment, to my town, city, country, where the country i live in seems to be a bubble that we've created that supports ignorance towards the rest of the world. its as though the more i look beyond my own direct environment, i m always in a new bubble of protecting self against the rest of reality, a bubble that support my ignorance, it s fascinating.

i ve been brought up within this world of ignorance as the mind as an alternative reality that is based completely upon turning a blind eye towards reality as the human nature, the mind that disable us within seeing the human reality as what it really is, it disable us within actually learning from our own and our collective mistakes because it places us within a bubble, a bubble within our own head that is only the example for the bubble that we exist in as our direct environment and then the one beyond that and the one beyond that, and these 'external bubbles' only support our 'internal bubble', thus we remain stuck in a vicious circle keeping ourselves from ever being able to 'burst the bubble'.




If you are ready to burst your bubble and write yourself to freedom, rebirthing yourself as a new being that in fact Lives for Life and can start acting in a way that will support the establishment of a New system for a New World, then join Desteni I Process and investigate Equal Money.

Thank you.

http://desteni.co.za
http://equalmoney.org
http://desteniiprocess.com

2011 How I've been keeping myself from actual Learning and Understanding as a standing.

how i ve been keeping myself from actual learning and understanding as a standing.

i ve always, since the beginning of this process, assumed that i dont really need to read all of the articles on the desteni website, i dont really need to read other peoples blogs and articles, i dont need to do all that research and effort because 'i know what it s all about' and so i dont really need to make an effort, 'i know what reality is all about, what reality is'. this is nothing but an ego statement that the mind as ego uses to protect itself, to keep me from actually changing. because the ego believes itself to be unable to change, and its justification for that belief is that apparently i as ego already know all there is to know, i already know what needs to be done, who i am, whats going on in reality etc.
i havent actually read anything, i havent actually done any research because apparently that isnt necessary, i already know what i m going to read anyway.

i as the ego keep myself from APPLYING myself, this is the most important point within change, within process, is application. and application would be to in fact read the material and to in fact do the research because the reality of the situation is that if i dont do research because i believe that i know already all there is to know anyway, i remain stupid, and deep down i actually know this about myself, i will see other beings move forward within their written application, within their expression, expressing their actual insight and understanding in and of reality, because they ve actually done their research in spite of what their ego told them. this is practical application, and without it, change is impossible.

because without actually physically doing things in this reality i just sit still and the mind becomes stuck and stagnant, never actually learning anything because i m not giving myself the opportunity to in fact learn and experience by protecting myself as the ego as my knowledge, that i already know and experience and that i trust in, within not actually moving myself physically in reality.

2011 spirituality--desire for experiencing the light and beauty of god

i was watching spiritual video's on youtube, made by lightworkers, wherein brahmans chant mantra's and shining 'beautiful' pictures were shown of some beautiful hindu god, speaking of light of god descending on earth upon the minds of men, etc.
i felt an attraction to it, on one hand i judge it from a 'desteni' standing point wherein i believed myself to stand above lightworkers and spirituality because it is self dishonest and me being 'self honest', i see that now, so actually looking down on myself as what i used to participate in, in the trips that i used to take on mushrooms and lsd, in which i experienced the absolute beauty of the light, that was the manifestation of my desire for an escape from my own life which was shit, every day, every moment. so in spirituality i experienced hope that there was something like god who is completely loving and accepting and forgiving and light, as all those nice things that i ve never in my life experienced within myself. i ve always only experienced fear and anxiety my whole life, i really did experience my life as shit... until i got to know someone who showed me the wonderful world of drugs and experiences of the mind of light and love and sex and all that shit. with him i felt so wonderful, like all my dreams came true, he was my light, my everything that i was always missing in my life... and now it was right here in front of me. i couldnt believe it

i did everything to keep him in my world, i felt very desperate, i needed him, i got hooked on that wonderful experience that i felt when i was around him, he made me feel sooo good. so i could not lose him. but i did eventually, no matter what manipulation techniques i used. and i was left all alone with myself and my self loathing, i got so incredibly depressed that my body was all in pain. it hurt to even be awake and breathe, physically. all because he was no longer in my life, he had rejected me. i did consider killing myself but i didnt really want to die because then i would really be alone with myself, then there is really no hope anymore of ever being with him at all, so i didnt kill myself.
i just felt a lot of self pity.

i still think about him sometimes, still hoping to meet him again one day, still hoping to someday experience what i did, because i have allowed myself to suppress this experience within myself so much that i have to go looking for it outside myself, in light and songs and drugs and sex and getting recognition... in spirituality

so when i was watching the youtube videos i experienced a desire towards it, a desire to get sucked into the light. i judged the pictures as 'dishonest' based on my being a 'destonian' now wherein i just adapted the 'opinions' and way of looking at reality from desteni, but within this shows only my desire to belong to something, a higher goal, to have some escape from myself. a hope that somehow something will take me to a higher experience of love and light and acceptence as what i ve never actually experienced within myself.

i forgive myself that i ve accepted and allowed myself to judge light and love as dishonest by defining myself to the desteni group wherein i change my vision on reality to look like them so that i will not feel alone which just states my desire for light and love and peace and understanding, in the form of desteni, as just something that will take me away from myself
i forgive myself that i ve accepted and allowed myself to not realise that i ve just traded being a lightworker for being a destonian but it s all the same thing, it s all based on my desire to not be alone with myself, to escape from myself, based on the hope that there is something outside of myself that can save me from the shit experience that is within myself
i forgive myself that i ve accepted and allowed myself to resist lightworkers and light and love as words and pictures in this reality because i want to be 'right' according to the group that i ve defined myself with within my desire to have an escape from myself and wherein i automatically, as a preprogrammed reaction, adapt and change myself to look and behave and talk more like the group that i now believe that i belong to
i forgive msyelf that i ve accepted and allowed myself to deny and suppress the expression of light within myself
i forgive msyelf that i ve accepted and allowed myself to suppress the expression of love within myself
i forgive myself that i ve accepted and allowed myself to search for the experience of light love and understanding and peace
i forgive myself that i ve accepted and allowed myself to not accept love peace and understanding within myself, as equal and one with myself as the natural expression of myself that doesnt need something else to be ok
i forgive myself that i ve accepted and allowed myself to fear realising myself as one and equal with love light and understanding and all that because i fear doing something 'wrong' according to desteni as bernard as the group that i ve allowed myself to define myself with within wanting to be saved and escape myself here
so i fear being rejected by the group and thus not being saved