2008 timeloop

this one s about my first timeloop i was aware of, after that all the others started becoming clear and i have time loops all around now.
so yesterday, i went to buy sigarettes in the bar down my street. i was standing a long time in front of the bar, was afraid to go in, fear cause i don t realy know these bar-people, i only sometimes go in for fags (which is a sort of habbit i created recently and started to define myself by) but now it was like: ok i wont go in for fags cause that would not be of honesty, but this time i ll go in to face my fear of going in. so i went in and there were only two guys there, nice guys 'see, nothing to be afraid of', they were watching a sockermatch. then another guy, totally drunk, comes in and im just standing there, he walks around me and watching me bottem to top, sits down and buys me a drink. he starts talking to me about , well , drunken talk. basically comes down to 'hey sexy lady, i like your flow, i wanna take you home and sex you all the way'.
he sometimes touched me like you know, i said 'sorry but i don t think i can give you what u want' and pushed his hand away. constantly i was trying to figure out what was the 'right thing to do', what is the honest thing to do. but i was actually too much on my mind with what the other people in the bar thought i should do.
eventually, i left with some kind of one liner to kind of show myself i m still in control of the situation.
after that i realised i ve been there before in that feeling, 'tight spot', this is a time loop.
i went in my room to write it out and this i found:

who am i in this moment?
who is kim?
power less
towards
the judgement
of men
every man
who has power over me
with his judgement over me
as a woman
they have power with their penis
their wand of power
i am powerless because they can pentrate me
they can enter me
i cant feel powerful because
i cant enter them
i can only be entered
vectime of my body
fysical dispower
opening that can be entered
like before
when i was little
jaques who held me on his knee
en held me at my female opening
power over me
come sit on my knee
is this right?
i guess
what would i know
i have no will
my will is other mans will
other man s will
i am willing towards men
cause they would know what they do
after all they have power over me
i can do nothing
how would i even know that what i do is right?
am i right at all
can i even listen to myself
how would i know i am right
what is right
am i right
right and wrong don t exist
what men say is right
when men look up to me or judge me as woman willing woman powerless woman than
i am right

i am human
humble to man

me as human
i am human
not definable by right or wrong
but
they don t know this
how can i be human when they still judge me and see me als woman
as long as they see me as woman and right 'i have to be right', i can t just be human
besides who am i as human
who am i
who am i
how can i have power
as me
i will be powerless
from the moment i show my power
than they wont judge me as woman anymore but as human
they will not see me anymore as lovely sweet and willing
and they won t judge me anymore as right
they won t look at me any more
i want to be looked at
i want to be wanted
wanted
by men
because they protect me
they know what is right
i must listen to them
trust them
they know what i should do who i should be
a woman
willing and sweet

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want protection from men
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think i must live up to the image that men have of me as woman
i forgive myself for allowing myself to judge myself according to 'woman, female, feminine'
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think a woman should be sweet willing and right
i forgive mself for allowing myself to think that if i am strong i will no longer be woman
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that men will always have power over me as woman
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think i must respect a mans ego
i forgivemyself for allowing myself to feel inferior to the ego of a man
i forgive myself for allowing mysellf to feel vulnerable and penetrable towards a man
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think i must listen to the libido of a man
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think i mustn t hurt a man in his libido
i forgive myself for alllowing myself to always want to be found cute attractive by a man
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that if men don t find my attractive i will be all alone without someone to take care of me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that if i don t have a man i will always feel unfulfilled
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think i must be fulfilled
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that being found 'ugly' by a man is almost a mortal sin
than i would die
if men dont find me attractive , fuckable, i will die

i m no one
i might just as well finish it
.....

i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that smoking makes me stronger
i have my own personal penis to suck on

...

and the list does go on

so the time loop
from since i was little
was being in a 'sexual situation' where i actually didn t wanna be in but finding no way out caus e their seems to be no right way out
i ll be thinking like
'maybe this is n t so bad'...

whatever done witht hat shit

2008 pslekjtraomsigh

i m afraid of letting go this time on the keyboard
cause everytime i do that
stuff comes out
that is
yes
quite uhmmm
inovative?
no, whats the word
cool
yes quite true
and cool and stuff
but
i m afraid that if i keep doing that
everyting
all of my stuff will start looking the same
like
ok
what am i then
is this not just
rambling of an old fool
who s only talking about what he found
and not anymore about how he found it
and is that not the most important

being able to talk about who you are in process of becoming who you are
not just about 'rules of being'
pluh
bah
poeha

ok then, kimmy, what would you like to talk about?
uhmmm
dunno
maybe myself
ok what about yourself?
euh....me?
yeah you, got it, but what about you?
ummm....how about you
who..me?
yes you are a part of me yet your asking me questions as if i m not you
treating me like a goddamn kid

hey where did you go
?
i m right here
but where are you
?
i m right here
but where are you
?
i m right here
but where are you
?

I M RIGHT HERE!!

and here i shall stay

dammit i still didn t talk about what i wanted to talk about again

2008 i face fear head on and be done with it

i feel controlled
i am control
but am controlled
how is this even possible
my outsides are controlling my insides
i feel controlled by my outsides
they tell me what to do i mistype a lot
they tell my body how to feel
my heart to race like mad
am i my heart racing like mad
am i my heart
they are watching me
i am being watched
i watching me
i giving attention to me
and judging me
i behave
so that i
will be judged positively
as opposed to negatively
have to remind myself to breath
properly
i am positive judgement
but i feel negativity
i don t want to be judged positively
maybe i want to be judged negatively
i am being controlled
by me wanting to control myself
i forgive myself for allowing myself towant to be in contol of myself
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that if they see that i m not in control of myself they will judge me in what ever way
and then i will die
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think i will die if i am not in control of myself
i forgive myself for allowing myself to judge them on what they do on what they say
and then compare myself to know what i have to do what i have to say
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to escape the confrontation with my own judgement and fear of judgement
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think i can escape my own judgement
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think i will die if i face confrontation with my own judgement
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that this judgement comes from outside of me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that i have to portrai a certain image of myself towards them so that i will be safe from death
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that they think i am ridiculous
i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel ashamed of myself in their presence
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that they want me to feel ashamed of myself
i forgive myself for allowing myself to define myself according to the shame
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe i am shame
i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel ashamed about my appearance/my picture/ my image
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think they think i am ugly
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that i must feel ashamed about being ugly
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think i am uglyness
i forgive myself for allowing myself to compare myself with them and finding myself not ok
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think i have to feel controlled by cosciousness systems in others
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that i am being controlled by the consciousness systems of others and not my own
i forgive myself for allowing myself to be controlled by my consciousness system
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think i am consciousness system
i forgive myself for allowing myself to be controlled by my past
i forgive myself for allowing myself to define myself according to my past
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think i have to act according to the image others have of my according to my past
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think i am this image
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think i am an image
i forgive myself for allowing myself to define myself according to an image
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe it is necessairy for me to react with thoughts feelings and emotions towards others who they are and what they do
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to be one and equal to others as who i am
i forgive myself for allowing myself to separate myself from others and defining myself as separation
i am not separation
i am not judgement
i am not shame
i am not fear
i am not comparison

i am one and equal to all humans as me as life
i fear not facing myself
for this is me
all me
life in and as me
as who i am
as the moment
i am not my past
i am not my future
past and future
exist only in the mind
i am not the mind
i am me as breath as life
as who i am in the moment
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008 knowledge of stuff

ok so
my future
the future
the illusion
my confusion
i don t know
where to go
who to be
if i can be free
what is freedom
what is self honesty
if i choose a job like doing paperwork or cleaning to get some money for self sustenance
is it honest?
or go out of this house of my parents without a job and little money
see what will become of me out there... which does seem more honest to me
but
then the actual question: what is self movement?
is it dedicating my every moment to assistance of the rest of humanity...unconditionally (without resources)
or is it deviding my 'time', first jobbing my way to being resourced and then..
then what?!
this is all future thoughts but....
i m twenty years old, i don t go to school
i ve worked but i quit
....i don't have 'experience with real life' as what my parents tell me and i can t help but, even knowing that 'real life' as they know it is an illusion and i shouldn t trust a word they say for it is all based on that same illusion, consider that i should in fact 'do what must be done' in order for me to be able to do anything else.
how can i do anything in the moment knowing that my parents are breathing down my neck about getting a job 'getting off my ass', and me wanting to get out of my parents house?
so two options: either i get a lousy job for money so i can move out .
or i can move out!!.
first one is me being moved by money, obligations, thoughts fears
second one is me moving me
guess i got my answer

but the incertainty of it all!!!
oh, i seem to be stuck in thinking i must do the 'right' thing, i m not trusting myself
pretty hard that is btw trusting myself....ok
but everytime i m just being momentary me my dad or my mom comes up to me with ultimatums and choices for me to make
i can ignore this place them as me know that it is but systems blabbering about the 'real world'
but
but
but
but
but

future...
..is a thing of the past

question: what kind of self trust does it take to have no plans, no organising, no considering of next moments, no thoughts about next steps etc, when u know certain things need to happen?

2008 where is my mind?

i m nearing despair i am
or am i in it?
i m definately difining myself according to despair
and dont seem to know how to forgive myself anymore
i realise i m whining i am a whiner (http://nl.youtube.com/watch?v=xEFP3KT5iYo)
i define myself according to the design of the whiner

in overview of my life i feel like whining
because it seems as though i always did everything to make sure i would forever feel obligated to feel like shit

i sometimes say to my imaginary audience that people like me are the ones that kill themselves.
that i was born with a natural tendency of screwing up, and if i wasn't born with it i started creating that dendency very early on.
always feeling misunderstood, having felt misunderstood
and looking back on what i did towards others in my life while being under the illusion of being misunderstood, i feel like i have no right feeling free.
i have no right standing up as me for me
i have no right making any decisions for myself because of the natural tendency to screw up.


my parents sometimes ask me 'where did it all go wrong?', 'where is that funloving, talkative, social girl that we knew?', ever since my mom moved (when i was fourteen) out to a different city i became asocial and weird. i got different friends and my personality started changing.
i learned to judge the world differently: society was now all wrong and most of the people in it cause everyone was blind and dumb to true hippielove. i looked up to hippies, cause they seemed to have the truth in their soul, all they said was true.
i learned to find myself stupid and worthless and those feelings i tried to get rid of by trying to show them (my friends) that i am worthy of hippieness, that i have a soul of light.

i did that by rejecting all that was 'without light', like my parents and my other friends who suddenly became less important to me. these new friends seemed to have all the knowledge, they will show me how to be.
i learned to completely ignore my self or my commen sence and i did everything out of a 'this is the right thing to do' setting, 'this way my friends will think i am right and they will accept me'.

during that time i 'disappointed' a lot of people like my parents and other friends because of things that i did out of the judgement that they were wrong, blind and stupid and i had the knowledge, i knew what it was all about.

therefore i now feel like i have no right standing up for me, making a statement.
because in my past i was all about statements because i seemed to know better.

i sure built up a strong hate towards myself
a hate because i don t know better even if i always pretended that i did
hate because i never alowed myself to express myself as i am
instead i listened and looked at others, at what they do, what they like

i never alowed myself to build up any self confidence in any way
any trait or interest what so ever
because i never see the point: i will fail anyways

people will always remain disappointed in me
in their eyes i will always be failure

failure does not exist
i must forgive myself, others will not do this for me
i can not wait for others to wake up and see the shit so that i can get out of it
i must do this all for myself as myself
and i will walk and stand
as myself for all
as one and equal as life in and as this world

2008 forgiveness for all

i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that i ll never get out of my mind consciousness system
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that i am dependant on other people and their process of stopping the mind for becoming self thru a process of stopping my mind
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that i am in a process
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that i first must get out of something to become myself
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that it matters how my process compares to others and their process
i forgive myself for allowing myself to compare myself to others
i forgive myself for allowing myself not to realise that i am actually comparing myself to myself and not to others
i forgive myself for allowing myself to judge my process according to how others experience theirs
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that the difference between processes matters for who i am
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that i am doing this for others
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that i know how others will perceive this or react to this
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that it is possible to do something for others
i forgive myself for allowing myself not to realise that all i do i do for, to, and as myself and that if i think i am doing something for someone else, i am allowing myself to be of the mind
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think i can help others
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that it is possible to help others
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to help others
i forgive myself for allowing myself not to realise that helping others is a reflection of myself wanting help or not wanting to help myself
i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel helpless
i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel like help comes from outside of myself
i forgive myself for allowing myself to perceive others as helpless
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that their help will come from outside of them
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that i need something from others
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that others can do things for me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that there are things i cannot do for myself
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that desteni is helping me with my process
i forgive myself for allowing myself not to realise that i, as one and equal with desteni, am helping myself with this process
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that a dimensional being is helping me with my process
i forgive myself for allowing myself not to realise that i, as one and equal with the dimensions, am helping myself
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that it is important for me to think about what 'others' will think or have to say about how far i am in my process
i forgive myself for allowing myself to make gradations in process
i forgive myself for allowing myself to not realise that i am one and equal with process as the whole of process in everyone as in myself cause i am one and equal with everyone in this world as myself

2008 defenitions and thoughts raising thoughts getting us nowhere

ok who am i?
hmmm that seems to be the question
even if i would decide not to be...
..would i be: not
thus in denial of my beingness

so, the question 'to be or not to be', would only cause a question to follow, like: 'what?'
'to be what?' or 'not to be what?'
meaning then that u would first have to have a description,a defenition of what or who you will or will not be.

and, this question can only emerge from an already made definition. because, something that is, will not perceive itself to have the choice of being or not being. it is. even if it would choose not to be, the beingness would merely change from being something to being the choice of being nothing. eiter way, it is, and will remain being, no matter what it is.

so, we all know we are, no one will deny this.
what or who we choose to be or not to be, is the defenition of being.
and from this defenition, we can indeed ask ourselves this question: to be or not to be.
if my defenition for being today, would be: happiness
my question is: to be or not to be happy?

maybe my defenition for being is: anger towards bush for raging a war and killing people
then my question is: to be or not to be angry towards bush for raging a war and killing people

underneith that defenition for being lies this other defenition: finding it normal for being angry towards bush for raging a war and killing people
question here is: to be or not to be finding it normal for being angry towards bush for raging a war and killing people

all different defenitions i could find for me being, me as a defenition.
constantly changing, rearranging
naming it not defenition, but personality, opinions, principles, morality, character, 'way of life'
keeping myself from realising that life needs no way but to just be
it needs no path or person or opinion or description
no finding itself different from 'other lifeforms', because even though the form may differ, all is life
the only thing that keeps me from seeing me as life is me as a defenition of life