2014 When Love is Empty - How to Know when Love is Real

 2014 When Love is Empty - How to Know when Love is Real

 Transforming Love from Feeling to Reality in Real-Time

For a while now I am in a long distance relationship where I am communicating with my partner over Viber, which is this new communication application like Skype, only on Viber there is a larger database of pictures - called 'stickers' - to communicate with. When my partner and I were physically together, we never talked to each other in a way where we used the kind of pre-ordained 'lovey dovey' statements and expressions such as 'I love you' or 'you are my world' or 'I can't live without you' or other such expressions  that form part of  how relationships have been programmed in the unconscious mind of most of humanity, with the help of movies, magazines and books, and which are mostly referred to as 'romance' and 'love'.

We specifically did not express such things because we are both quite aware of the preprogrammed nature of such expressions - preprogrammed from the perspective that those specific words of 'I love you', 'you are my soul-mate' or 'I can't live without you' are not in fact expressions of who we are within ourselves - they come from outside sources such as media and other cultural and environmental influences where we have both come in contact with words, concepts and ideas such as 'romance' and 'love'. I mean, what I have found with myself in relation to expressing words like 'I love you' is that, within actually speaking the words, there is a part of myself that is very much aware that the words that I am speaking in that moment don't come from myself, they come from somewhere else and I am just kind of following the 'program'. So, I personally always refrained from expressing words such as 'love' towards the people in my world and reality because when I looked within myself in self-honesty, I could not find a reference point for those words - I could not find a real, genuine meaning for those words, so to me they were empty expressions that I felt would render me equally empty inside if I were to accept and allow myself to express them.

And I considered (and consider) myself to be very fortunate to have been able to create a relationship with another person within that awareness - where my partner and I were in agreement in relation to  both having an equal awareness within ourselves in relation to the word 'love' being a rather empty expression as how it has been lived, expressed, experienced and defined in the world currently and it therefore not doing justice to describing our appreciation for each other. So, we were doing perfectly fine never expressing any of the 'romantic'-type expressions that you would find portrayed in the common image and idea of how relationships are defined in this world - which can specifically be seen and referenced within movies and books -- and we never felt the need to.

But then once we started communicating via Viber something interesting developed - which is that, because of all those 'stickers' available to communicate with, a lot of which was in accordance with the preprogrammed conception of 'a relationship', where you had for instance lots of stickers involving couples kissing, stickers with hearts, stickers saying "I love you", etcetera - and because we didn't have the opportunity anymore to physically express our regard and appreciation for each other, through physically kissing, hugging and touching each other - we started using those stickers and we started using the word 'love' to somehow try to express what we felt we weren't able to express anymore because of the physical aspect being missing. This just kind of emerged and developed 'naturally' so it felt like it was just us expressing ourselves with each other - and,in itself obviously there isn't anything particularly 'wrong' with expressing ourselves in that way, we're just using the means and tools at our disposal to be able to express how we feel towards each other.

After a while however a specific experience emerged within myself. The warm and fuzzy feeling that I initially experienced within my communication and interaction with my partner that I had defined as our 'connection' and as 'love' seemed to be 'fading' and making place for this experience of emptiness and even a slight resistance in relation to our interactions - where, more and more I found myself trying to 'bring life into' our conversations and kind of forcing myself to bring back the memories of how I used to feel when I talked with him. And in my mind I kept on looking back on these memories and thinking 'why don't I feel that way anymore?', together with an experience of desire and a want to experience myself and my relationship and interactions with my partner again as how I experienced myself in those memories. I mean, I could not put my finger on it, because it wasn't really our communication in itself that had changed - it was just my experience within and of it that had changed and within that it looked like 'I just don't love him as much as I used to anymore'.

So then I was starting to believe that this is 'just how things are', that this is simply how relationships go where initially things start out with lots of experiences and feelings of excitement and 'love' because everything is still new and both partners are still getting to know each other - but after a while as you get to know each other more, the excitement 'wears off' and so the 'love' experience isn't as strong anymore. But then I realized that what I was experiencing was in fact energy - I was feeling disconnected and empty as an energetic emotional experience within myself -- which means that these experiences that emerged within me are not based on actual reality, but are existent within an alternate reality that I have created within my own mind through having participated in the act of thinking and reacting to those thoughts with emotions and feelings over a specific period of time. And that thus, what was happening was not so much that my 'love' for my partner was diminishing or disappearing in fact, but that in some way I have been separating and disconnecting myself from my partner and from who I am in relation to him through my participation in thoughts, feelings and emotional experiences in my own mind - which then eventually had lead up to the creation of an emotional experience of emptiness and disconnection, that I then interpreted in my mind as a 'loss of love'.

When I realized this, I then investigated how, where and when it is that I had been accepting and allowing myself to create a separation and disconnection within myself in my relationship with my partner -- and I found that it was the moment that we started using the word 'love' in our conversations, together with all the stickers of the little hearts and kisses and stuff. Upon looking within my memories, I could see how there were reactions occurring within myself each time my partner said that he loved me and each time he posted a sticker with an image of a couple kissing or hugging - and that I was starting to experience specific feelings in relation to those expressions of 'love' from my partner that I hadn't been experiencing towards him before . At that time, I didn't realize or see it - but what was busy happening in those moments was that my actual love and connection that I experienced within myself in relation to my partner, was slowly but surely being replaced by a FEELING of love and connection -- a feeling that was triggered and activated by and connected to specific words such as 'I Love You' and images like hearts and kisses.

I mean, my actual love for my partner as how it existed before those feelings emerged within me, was not a feeling in my mind but more like a deep understanding and appreciation within myself in relation to who my partner is and what my relationship with him is in my life - which is why I didn't need him to actually use the words 'I love you' for me to be able to understand what he means to me. I saw and understood who he is as a being and my love for him was based on that understanding. Whereas now, with this preprogrammed system of 'love' as defined within specific words, images and feeling experiences entering my mind - it was overlapping and suppressing the real love that was already there -- and so ended up creating an experience of disconnect, separation and emptiness.

That was essentially what I was doing with allowing the preprogrammed definition of 'love' in my mind to replace my real physical relationship with my partner - I was disconnecting and separating myself from the reality of my relationship and so creating an 'emptiness' within and as my internal experience of my relationship because that is what the preprogrammed system of 'love' essentially is, it is empty from the perspective that it is an already pre-ordained construct of specific words, images, feelings and emotions wherein there is no genuine individual expression of myself - it is in a way 'void of life'. It is a program in the mind that runs on energy so it will initially generate a lot of positive energy of excitement, but that will start to 'wear off' eventually as the nature of energy is that it burns up resources and eventually fades out - at which point the reality of the energy reveals itself within and as that 'inner emptiness' and the experience of disconnection and separation.

With just realizing, seeing and understanding that point, of how I had accepted and allowed myself to be duped by my own mind and had accepted and allowed my mind to suppress who I am as a being within and as physical reality in terms of my experience within and of my relationship with my partner, which opened up as I was talking about the experience with him - the 'mist' in my mind already cleared up a lot, meaning that the entire experience of emptiness and disconnection in relation to my partner released for a great part.

So, I realized and understood something quite valuable from this experience - which is that, if I accept and allow myself within and as my relationship with my partner to in any way be directed by pre-ordained expressions, ideas and experiences - for instance within reacting with specific feeling experiences to words like 'I love you' and to specific gestures, behaviors and words that I have copied within myself from having watched movies, read magazines and observed other people within their expressions in their relationships - without establishing for myself who I am in relation to these copied and integrated expressions -- then the consequences of me giving my expression away to a preprogrammed 'format' of expression as Feeling experiences inside of myself will be that eventually I will start experiencing a disconnection and separation from my partner and an emptiness within myself in relation to those expressions and in relation to my relationship and my 'love' for my partner. And that is because of the energetic patterns involved within this preprogrammed expression and experience of love. The pattern of which will initially take the energy into a 'high' as lots of excitement and 'warm and fuzzy' feelings, that would be defined as 'love' - and will then take the energy into a 'low' as the experience of disconnection, separation and emptiness, which will be defined and experienced as apparently having 'lost love'.

And that is unfortunately the pattern that most relationships in this world follow because most people, just like me, tend to accept and allow preprogrammed ideas and conceptions in their mind to decide for them how they will experience their relationship and express and experience themselves within the relationship - instead of being Self-Honest and investigating and exploring who they really are as a being and how they can align their relationship with their partner to stand as a platform of support for who they are as a being. And this is also the primary reason why many relationships don't tend to last that long - as a consequential outflow effect of accepting and allowing the word Love to play into Feelings and emotions in the mind, instead of Self being the Directive Force and Deciding Factor of what that word Love actually practically entails within and as the physical reality of the Relationship.

In my next blog on this process of Transforming the Word Love from a Consequential Pattern of Energy into a Stable Platform for Self-Expression and Self-Expansion within a Relationship - I will share the next Step to be walked, which is to walk a Process of Redefining the word 'Love' and within that, establish a stable internal understanding and integration of what the word Love would practically mean and stabilize our relationship to the word Love, so as to ensure that using this word within our relationship and our interaction and communication with our partner doesn't create any detrimental consequences and doesn't in any way end up sabotaging our relationship.

2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority -- Part 2

 2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority Part 2

Changing a Experience of Inferiority in Real-Time

2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority - See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/07/2014-belittled-mouse-and-roaring-lion.html#sthash.E22qHWud.dpuf

In Part 1 I have discussed and laid out the basic pattern that I have been faced with in my relationship with a male partner, which was one of inferiorizing myself within myself to and towards my partner within an emotional pattern that gets activated by a fear of losing my partner that at some point in our relationship starts coming up within myself.

Now, as I noticed myself going into this specific emotional pattern of inferiority within and as the specific emotional reactions and experiences as described in Part 1 again - I saw and realized that I was accepting and allowing myself to step into a self-destructive pattern within my mind and that if I do not stop and change myself within this pattern immediately, it will start spinning out of control and it will eventually lead to the end of the relationship and thus the manifestation of the fear that is at the very starting point of this self-sabotaging emotional pattern - because, I have witnessed myself playing out this pattern before in my relationships with other people and, even though the entire pattern is based on trying to hold on to those relationships out of fear of losing them, it ended up eventually costing me the relationship.

The moment that I could identify within myself as what triggered and started activating the pattern of self-suppression within and as emotional reactions and experiences of fear, sadness, depression and self-pity, is when I perceived and interpreted the behavior and expression of my partner to be 'distanced' and 'reserved' - to which I within myself reacted with backchat and internal conversations, saying to myself that 'he is annoyed with me for some reason' and 'he doesn't like something that I did or said', which then triggered projections within my mind wherein I imagined that he would eventually break up with me because he 'doesn't like me anymore' or because 'he is feeling more and more annoyed with me', connected with an emotional experience of fear.

From that point of fear, connected with seeing those future projections in my mind of 'him breaking up with me', I then go into a point of depression as a way of subconsciously trying to manipulate myself and my partner to take pity on me and then, out of pity, give me what I want. I mean, I have never realized this about the nature of depression, but as I have walked my process of investigating who I am within and as my own mind, I have come to the conclusion that indeed, depression is a self-created deliberate experience motivated by a desire to have control over my environment and manipulate my environment to be and move according to what I personally want and desire. For instance, in this specific pattern, the experience of depression is only there because I actually fear losing something and because in my subconscious mind I believe that I can hold on to what I fear losing through using depression to initiate an experience of pity within other people.

So, as I was seeing myself sinking into a depression and entertaining all sorts of backchat within my mind wherein I was basically fueling the experience of depression in a continuous feedback cycle and diminishing myself more and more - and I could simultaneously see that while I was participating in this mind-construct of trying to hold on to and have control over that which I feared losing, being my partner and our relationship, I was actually busy creating the exact opposite of that by pushing my partner and our relationship away from myself through isolating myself within and as the experience of depression, and thus essentially manifesting my own fear - I then decided to sit myself down in front of my laptop and stop myself within and as this experience through writing Self-Forgiveness.

At the end of this blog is an excerpt from the self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements that I wrote out in that moment – which, after having looked at it again later on, didn’t specifically correlate with the basic design of the point that I was facing in that moment and that I had written out in my first blog – nonetheless, because I moved and directed myself in finding an immediate solution to my emotional reactions in the moment as they came up, the self-forgiveness and self-correction that I applied is still relevant and was still effective.

Through, within the moment that I saw and experienced myself being enveloped by and within an emotional experience, accompanied by specific thoughts that I was entertaining in my mind, applying this written Self-Forgiveness, I was able to stop the immediate overwhelmingness of the experience within myself and stop myself from fueling the thoughts further and going deeper into it - and so essentially bypassing some possible consequences in relation to my expression and behavior to and towards my environment.

 However, I found that in terms of this experience and its trigger point, upon investigating myself in self-honesty - I can see that there are still layers existing within myself of how this specific mind-construct exists, works and functions within myself. So, within the Next Step I will share how I am facing this pattern within my life and how I am , through applying the Tools of Self-honesty, Self-Forgiveness and Practical real-time Self-Correction, changing it within and as myself and simultaneously changing my Life and Relationships in my external world and reality.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that X will reject me and break up with me just like Y did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my memory of Y onto X and expect that X will express himself and behave in the same way as Y did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a fear that the past will repeat itself and to therein already blame X for making me feel rejected and alone by assuming that he will inevitably do the same as what I believe Y has done onto me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as an experience of blame and anger towards Y within and as the thought that 'he broke up with me for no reason' and that 'he hurt me by making me feel rejected and unworthy when he broke up with me' - and that I have therein accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as this memory and this experience of rejection and unworthiness -- where now I believe that X will do the same thing and that I again will experience myself as rejected and unworthy just like in my memory of Y --- instead of releasing the past through realizing that in fact how Y expressed himself within and as 'breaking up with me' was never personal and that I felt rejected and unworthy because I created personal interpretations and perceptions of his expression wherein I took his expression personally - rather than seeing and recognizing his expression directly as simply an expression of who he is as a life form and so seeing, realizing and understanding that his expression did not define me personally

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for my memories of Y by blaming him for the rejection and unworthiness that I experienced within and as myself by thinking that 'he made me feel that way by breaking up with me' - instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the problem has all along been me in my mind having created personal interpretations of his expression and having taken his expression personally by 'feeling rejected'  and by defining myself within and as his reaction to me --- instead of remaining stable within and as myself within and as the realization and understanding that Y breaking up with me is an expression of who he is within and as himself and how he has accepted and allowed himself to react to his world and reality, which is completely based on his own past and memories in his mind and the parts of himself that he doesn't want to be confronted with - and has got nothing to do with who I am as a being within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my starting point within creating a relationship with Y is that I was looking for validation and recognition in separation from myself wherein I was thus already defining myself within and as 'how Y sees me' rather than creating relationships with other beings from the starting point of existing and standing within and as self-validation and self-recognition -- and that is why, when Y broke up with me, I took it personally and I defined myself within and as his reaction/opinion/judgment/experience of me --- rather than seeing, realizing and understanding that I decide who I am and I define who I am within and as myself  and that the response and reactions of other beings to me are never personal just like my reactions to other people are never personal

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the points that I have blamed in Y such as him not having communicated with me about why he wanted to break up or what he wasn't satisfied with in the relationship and Y not being direct with me about what he wanted out of the relationship and where he stood in relation to me - is actually points that I have not taken responsibility for to develop within and as myself --- and that it is in fact my responsibility to stand and live as that which I want from my partner within and as the relationship and i thus have to walk a process of self-investigation and self-creation to be and become a living example of what is best for all with regards to being in a relationship with someone

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back within and as my expression to and towards my partner out of fear that I may lose him I he doesn't agree with or like my expression - and that I have therein created the consequence of in fact losing the relationship because the reality of who I am cannot be hidden forever --- instead of being direct with myself and my partner from the beginning of the relationship and not waver in my stance, within and as the realization and understanding that if I try to suppress parts of myself because of fear that my partner may leave me then I am sabotaging the potential of the relationship to become something real, because who I really am within and as myself will come out eventually so my partner will see the 'real me' anyways

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Y for not being direct with me about who he is and where he stands and for the relationship eventually falling apart instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the relationship fell apart because I wasn't honest with myself from the get go and because I tried to hide and suppress who I really am out of fear of losing the relationship --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is the consequence of placing the relationship before myself and not seeing, realizing and understanding that if I do not stand and exist within and as self-honesty and self-expression, self-respect and self-acceptance, then the relationship will also not be supportive of who I really am

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give superior value to the word, concept and idea of 'the relationship' with regards to being with Y and to place this word/concept and idea above myself in separation of myself within my mind and therein not see, recognize or consider the actual reality of what it means to be in a relationship with another being -- where, in fact, the only thing that really makes up the relationship and that makes a relationship 'work' is me and my relationship with myself within and as myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to, because I have given such superior value to the concept and idea of having a relationship and being in a relationship in my mind, suppress and hide myself and hold myself back in my expression in relation to my partner, within and as the idea and belief  in my mind that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself that I will have more control over the relationship and over my partner if I suppress myself and if I try to change and transform myself like a chameleon to be and become that which I believe and think my partner will 'like' and 'enjoy' and that in this way I will be able to keep the 'relationship' in my world --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that 'the relationship' as an idea, concept and thought in my mind, Is an illusion because in reality it isn't an actual 'thing' that exist in separation of myself that I can 'hold on to' or 'have' --- the 'relationship' is simply a word that refers to an interaction between two manifestations in physical reaction - wherein thus 'the relationship' will be equal and one with what I create within and as my interaction with this other manifestation/being --- wherein thus, the relationship is not a 'static' and onedimensional idea or concept, it is a constant movement and expression of 'who I am', that does not have more value than 'who I am' within and as myself

I forgive myself  that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my relationship with Y and the fact that it 'ended' was because my starting point within and as it was in separation of myself, where thus the ending was one and equal with the beginning - because, in reality, I never actually really considered the practical dimensions involved in actually living and walking a real-time relationship with Y because all that I considered was this idea in my mind of 'the relationship' that I had given superior value over the actual practical reality

So I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that in reality, I never actually had a real relationship with Y, because I never even bothered to put in the effort required to establish a real connection and understanding between him and me or to even be direct and straightforward and honest with myself about who I am and where I stand in relation to the relationship

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself going into a reaction of fear and inferiority towards my partner, within and as a thought in my mind that 'I am going to lose him' and 'he will break up with me' and 'our relationship is going to end' if I express myself in this or that way - then I stop and breathe - and I see, realize and understand that within this fear and thought process I am actually projecting the past onto the future , by connecting a memory of my last relationship break up onto the current one, within and as a fear that the same thing is going to happen to me -- meaning that 'he is going to break up with me and I will feel very sad and depressed and rejected'

Here, I see, realize and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as blame towards my previous partner for 'breaking up with me' where I have defined myself to be 'the victim' - and that therein I am not taking responsibility for how I have actually created my previous relationship and the break up myself through how I did not stand within and as the point of direction and responsibility within the relationship

So, I release this memory of my previous relationship through releasing and forgiving the emotional connection that I have created in my mind with this memory as an experience of blame and fear in relation to Y --- wherein I take responsibility for how the relationship turned out and for what the relationship was and what it existed as --- because I see, realize and understand that the relationship stands one and equal with who I am within and as myself   and that the fact that I felt 'rejected' within and as my relationship with Y, implies that in fact I had rejected myself by not standing as the directive principle within the relationship from the get go because I gave more value to an idea in my mind of 'the relationship'  rather than valuing myself and my own expression

I see, realize and understand that a relationship is nothing more than a physical interaction between two physical manifestation - and that this relationship is entirely created and determined by who the two beings/manifestations are within themselves --- wherein thus, I see, realize and understand that any relationship that I have with another being is entirely determined by who I am within myself and the effort and consideration that I place within creating, building and manifesting this 'relationship'

Meaning that, I see, realize and understand that whenever I become emotional within the relationship - for instance when I allow myself to go into an experience of fear of losing the relationship and then allow this fear to direct my physical expression towards my partner - then I am giving my directive power and responsibility for the relationship away to the mind and am thus not directly creating and forming the relationship into what is best for myself as what stands one and equal with who I am within and as myself

Thus I commit myself to, when and as I see myself becoming emotional within and as an experience of fear and I see myself giving away my power to the mind as fear - to stop and breathe - and to stabilize myself within and as breath within and as the insight, realization and understanding that I am not the victim within the relationship, I am the creative, directive and responsible principle

And so I commit myself to rather stand stable within and as myself and consider what it is that I am actually creating through my behaviour and through the internal and external state of being that I allow myself to go into - wherein I thus stand as the directive principle within and as the living statement that I create everything that is within and of my world in each moment of breath

2014 How I Stopped the War on People

 2014 How I Stopped the War on People

Changing Conflict and argument into Care and Consideration

I remember when I first started vlogging and blogging in the beginning stages of walking my process of investigating the mind, investigating reality and finding solutions for the problems that I as an individual face within myself in terms of my emotional and mental experiences and the problems that we as a collective face in this world, such as poverty, starvation, rape, murder, etcetera - whenever someone would comment on a vlog that I had made or a blog that I had written that from my perspective didn't immediately give off the 'vibe' that they agree with what I had to say, I went into heavy reactions of anger, which I experienced within myself as this stance of 'righteousness', wherein I felt like I was this crusader out to defend the truth against all who opposed it. 'The truth' being that which I at the time believed about reality.

Then from the starting point of that internal reaction to the comment of the specific person, I would start activating thoughts in my mind at a very fast pace of all the things that I could say to this person to disprove their stance and to prove that my point which I was conveying and sharing was 'right' and that they are 'wrong'. In my mind I would have these entire speeches at the ready that were the product of my desire to just find a way to get this person to see and realize and understand that their view and understanding of reality has all along been 'wrong' and that what I am showing and telling them is 'right' -- wherein I was basically almost expecting some kind of 'revelation' to take place within this person, and for them to go 'Oh My God! You are absolutely right! I cannot believe how lost I was in my own beliefs and thoughts! Thank you so much for showing me the light, Oh Great Master!'.

This reaction within myself of anger and frustration when someone didn't immediately agree with me, which I would within my mind always interpret and experience as a blatant attack of my words, my opinions and my person, wouldn't only take place in online discussions and conversations, but also occurred in my home environment with the people close to me. I would get into many heated discussions with my mother and her partner, whom I lived with at the time, and with my friends and family members, wherein the starting point of the discussion that always turned into arguing was that I was trying to defend myself against a perceived enemy based on the idea and belief in my mind that they are against me as what I am expressing in my words, which was mostly some statement that I had made about 'how things are', like about how politics and the economy should be changing and how people should change because the world is going to hell, etcetera -- just because they didn't immediately say 'wow Kim, yes I see now! You are so absolutely right! Thank you for sharing this insight with me and please help me to change!'.

This tendency of being so reactive towards people in relation to discussing matters of the world didn't only come up at that specific time in my life when I started walking my process of Self-Change, even though it may have appeared that way, because I was getting into arguments with people in my immediate environment as well as online almost on a daily bases -- within my quest to 'defend and spread the truth', which was in other words my quest to push and force my personal agenda onto everyone else from the starting point of believing that I am 'right' and that everyone who doesn't agree with me is 'wrong' and so now I must 'fight' for what is 'right' and wherein I wasn't aware that, from an observers perspective, I was kind of turning into a little dictator on a small scale in my relationships with the people in my small world of influence.

That reactive and self-righteous nature was actually already existent within myself ever since I became a teenager and had acquired some reasoning and logical thinking skills and so from the age that I was able to form 'thought-constructs' in my own head through connecting information that I had learned and picked up in my world and environment -- that had now become 'my information', 'my opinions' and 'my perspectives' which I believed contained my 'identity' as a being, a belief that explains why I felt like I had to defend those opinions and perspectives against all those who might question or criticize them. It was however only once I started exploring information and ways of looking at reality that was different from what I had learned and come in contact with in my life so far, that this little self-righteousness demon in the mind became visible and was lured out of its lair - because what I found is that as long as the information that I identify myself with is the same or similar to that of the people in my environment, then we will agree on pretty much everything, because we think alike  - but from the moment that there is a shift in that information, when for instance one person comes in contact with a specific group in 'the world out there' who present different information in the form of opinions, ideas, perceptions and beliefs, then conflict arises because now there are differences of opinions coming up.

It’s the same phenomenon that plays out between people from different cultures, families, religions, ages and other types of backgrounds. There is essentially just a difference in information contained in the mind of these individuals - depending on the environment that they grew up in - and so a difference in values, norms and beliefs in relation to reality, which often then makes way for conflict to arise between people from different backgrounds as each individual is in defence mode in relation to the information they believe represents and defines 'who they are' within and as their mind.

So basically in those beginning stages of walking my process of Self-Change and Self-Realization, I felt like my relationships with the people around me was like a war-zone and like I had to fight people - because I was fighting for the information that I had at that time come in contact with and that I had now come to identify myself with, which was information in relation to why one should walk a process of Self-Change, why the world needs Change, why people need to Change, etcetera --- and so basically I was fighting for my existence and survival as an 'Identity' - this 'Identity' being a system/construct of information in the Mind.

How I over time as I furthered into walking my actual process of Self-Change and Self-Realization changed this inner nature of reactive self-righteousness in relation to other people and specifically in relation to myself as who I believe I am and what information of and within myself as my Mind I believe must be defended - is through having first of all realized and taken my responsibility for my own mind, meaning that I not only became aware of how my experience that other people were 'attacking me' when they  were 'not agreeing with me', was in fact more my own perception of the situation that was coming from and existed within the Ego within my mind wherein I had defined myself within specific 'opinions' and information about 'reality', but I also changed this attackative relationship with other people in my internal and external reality.

In other words, a very valuable gift that I have learned in this process is to be humble in my expression towards other people and to, when I see that reaction coming up within myself where I want to go into a fighting mode towards another person, which is a specific conflictual experience within myself - rather than expressing myself from that experience and actually going into conflict with another person, I stop myself and apply the realization and understanding that this perceived 'conflict' in relation to this other person and their words is nothing personal but is actually rather a consequence of the fact that we both come from different backgrounds and we use different vocabulary and words to describe and define different things.

This means that I have to now become firstly honest with myself about the words that this person is using that I am reacting to within myself because somewhere along the line I have accepted and allowed myself to define those words as 'bad' and 'negative', because it is those internal definitions of words that I am actually reacting to with resistance and not so much to the person themselves. And then from that starting point of clearing my own prejudices and judgments of words, I can start seeing beyond the words and start investigating who this person really is as a being within the words that they speak - considering that they may use different words to describe the exact same thing as what I am describing and speaking about, just because those are the words that they have learned throughout their life to form part of their vocabulary and so that is what they will use to describe who they are within themselves and to express themselves within. So it Is up to me now to find that starting point of firstly what this being is really expressing and secondly where the vocabulary and the words that they use actually come from.

Because, we human beings are in a way systems of information and the information that we will express is the information that we have throughout our lives come in contact with and aligned ourselves with. So if I go and just react to someone because I don't personally like the words that they are expressing and how they are expressing themselves within and as the words they speak, then I am in fact reacting from the most superficial layer of my own mind wherein I do not see this process that I have walked myself in my life in relation to learning specific words and aligning myself with specific words that I have throughout my life come in contact with - and so I will also not see that process within another.

What I found for myself is that to start seeing that process within another, meaning the process that they have walked to become who they are and how they express themselves in the words that they speak - is where you make a shift within yourself from being and existing as an Ego within the superficial layers of the system of information that is the Mind, to existing within a genuine Care and Consideration for other beings. And that is where real communication with others can start forming - as communication will now not  be from the starting point of internal reactions but from the starting point of really getting to know a person and finding ways to start understanding a person and to start speaking to and with who they are as a being within themselves and so not the system of information that they have become throughout their lifetime here on earth. And that is a gift that can only start unfolding once you allow yourself to be open when communicating with another being, where you look past your own internal reactions and you stand within the realization that this other being's expression is one and equal with your own expression - they are just using a different vocabulary to express who they are. So, the words may be different and the 'system of information' that is being expressed may be different, but the being at the core of it is one and equal with ourselves.

There is a Free Online Course - DIP Lite - that will assist and support you to start walking the first steps in the process of investigating and understanding who you are within and as the System of Information as the mind -- and so to start understanding why and how it is that we sometimes go into conflict and arguments with other people based on and because of the words that are being spoken, as a consequence of us not actually understanding who we are within the words that we speak.

2014 From Jealousy to Self-Expression

2014 From Jealousy to Self-Expression

How I Faced and Stopped the Jealousy Demon within Myself

I had this really vivid and intense nightmare last night and when I woke up and spoke to someone about it - within the process of looking at the dream and investigating it from the starting point of what it is that I am, through the dream, showing myself about how I exist within myself and what points I should be looking at within walking my process of Self-Change and Self-Realization, I didn't actually really look at the part of the dream that was the most intense and impactful. It was only when this person that I was having a discussion with about the dream pointed it out to me that I started to see and realize that what this part of the dream was showing me and also the fact that it was the most vivid and intense yet at the same time the most overlooked and ignored section of the dream - was showing me that this is a point that exists within myself that I have not been dealing with or facing and have not even been honest with myself about its existence within myself -- the point being Jealousy.

The events in the dream went as follows. I am looking at these two women having a conversation, where the one woman(woman A) is telling the other woman(woman B) how she met someone and she loves him very much and they are planning on moving far away together, upon which woman B becomes so overtaken with jealousy because she is not experiencing that joy, happiness and fulfillment in her life that she is seeing within woman A's expression, that she decides to keep woman A locked up in her house. Years have passed and I see that woman A who was locked up in woman B's house for all those years looks like a skeleton - skin over bones and extremely pale and weak. While I am watching this scene play out and sympathizing with woman A who was locked up, I start screaming for help to the people that I see walking passed the window (in the dream I identify myself with woman A so I am both bystander and observer as well as that woman - so in that moment when I am screaming, it is also her screaming) - then woman B becomes so absolutely enraged and filled with hate, fury and spite, that she digs into the flesh of woman A with her fingernails and rips out her spine. The dream continues for a bit after that but for the purpose of this blog I will be looking at this section specifically - as it reveals very nicely how the mind-construct of jealousy works and what it actually does within myself, or rather what I do to myself when I accept and allow myself to step into this mind-construct.

So, looking at the dream and in being able to understand  and see what the dream represents in relation to who I am within and as myself - I 'collapse' the images of the people and I look at the pattern that is playing out as a representation of a pattern that is existent within and as my mind -- wherein I see and realize that each person within the dream is in fact representing a part of myself and the relationships between the people show the relationships that I have created within my mind with those parts of myself. With this specific scene showing me how jealousy works within and as my mind and who I am in my relationship with myself with regards to jealousy.

The two women thus are both me - where woman B is me within and as the experience and mind-construct of jealousy and woman A is me as a being - and looking at the characters that they play in the dream, I can see that there is a polarity-construct going on, as the one woman is experiencing and exerting all this anger, fury, intensity, power, resentment and blind hate and the other one is completely weakened and had the life sucked out of her by this anger, resentment and hate that is being acted out on her by woman B. So, that is essentially what I do to myself when I go into an experience of jealousy, is that with me becoming emotionally enveloped within experiences of hate, anger and resentment and generating a feeling of 'power' within my mind through accessing spiteful backchat and internal conversations directed towards the person that I feel jealous of - I am simultaneously diminishing who I am as a being, to the point that actually I as a being don't really exist within myself anymore because I have channeled all of my existence and beingness into the experience of jealousy within the mind as I am busy focusing my attention on how someone else is living their life.

Also the point of the spine being ripped out from the woman who is representing me as a being - shows that when I go into the mind-construct of jealousy, I become 'spineless' - meaning that within my mind, my backchat and my reactions, there exists no integrity, self-respect, self-worth, self-value, self-acceptance or any regard for life within myself or another at all -- as I accept and allow the jealousy-construct to define me so completely that I lose all awareness of who I actually really am as a being, through accepting and allowing myself to access that specific secretive nature of hate, resentment and spite towards another being within my mind. And if I really have an honest look at who and what I become within that experience of jealousy and at the fact that when that experience comes up in my mind I tend to not even question it and immediately believe that it is 'me', then it becomes clear to me that I have not yet developed a real starting point within myself in relation to knowing who I am as a being - because I would so easily believe that such an essentially 'evil' nature, expression and experience is 'me' -- though I wouldn't consciously admit it to myself that this is in fact what is going on within and as my mind.

Then the point of me screaming to other people for help when witnessing this situation in my dream - implies and reveals to me that I tend to victimize myself in relation to such experiences of for instance jealousy within my mind. Meaning that I don't actually want to take responsibility for the existence of such experiences within myself because I don't want to face that sort of 'evil' within and as myself - I don't want to accept, see or realize that the 'evil' character and persona as depicted by that woman in my dream, is in fact a part of me that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself. And so I will want other people to help me whenever I am facing these sorts of 'bad' and 'negative' experiences within myself because I have separated myself from it by having created the idea and belief that somehow it is 'not me' - that I am a victim of these experiences. Which is obviously ludicrous because I mean it does in fact exist within me, so it cannot be anything else but me.

Below I am sharing the self-forgiveness process that I have walked within opening this point up,  releasing it and correcting it within myself. However I will still have to walk a practical real-time process of proving to myself that my process of release and correction and self-change has in fact been effective -- which means that if I see and find that when the experience of jealousy comes up within myself and I am still accepting and allowing myself to get lost within it, that I will have to re-investigate and find the point in relation to the experience where I am giving away my self-responsibility and allowing this mind-construct to have power over me.

Self-Forgiveness Statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the mind-construct of jealousy to exist within myself in separation of myself - where in some moments, when seeing other people have things that I desire, I feel myself becoming overtaken with an experience of jealousy  that comes up within myself to the extent that I lose all track of myself as my integrity and dignity, self-respect and self-worth as I become so enveloped within and as that onedimensional experience of spitefulness, resentment and hate in relation to seeing this other individual have and experience what I want and desire  as something that i haven't actually given to myself

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the experience of jealousy to and towards something that I see within another woman - will specifically be in relation to a specific expression that I see within her that I haven't given to myself because I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and suppress my expression

And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually go into that experience of jealousy, connected with hateful, spiteful and resentful backchat towards another being wherein I would for instance wish that they would in some way get hurt or that something goes wrong in their life so that they will feel afraid and inferior like I feel afraid and inferior within myself or where I would want to deliberately not offer them assistance and support when I see that they need it, just so that I could feel a bit better about myself -- instead of taking responsibility for the reason and starting point of why it is that I experience jealousy towards this being in the first place - which is because they represent specific expressions in my world and reality of which I know deep down within myself that I have not given those expressions to myself -- and so actually walk a process of developing and exploring those expressions within and as myself and within that correcting my relationship with myself as well as other people and ensure that I will not direct any emotional experiences or energetic reactions within myself towards other beings  that are in fact reactions to my own relationship that I have created with myself within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become spineless within and as the experience of jealousy, by, when stepping into the experience of jealousy within myself, losing all integrity, self-respect, self-value and dignity within and as myself by experiencing and defining myself within and as an experience of blind hate, resentment, anger and spitefulness towards the person or persons that my jealousy is directed to - by never having questioned this experience of jealousy as a reaction to seeing other women and so never having seen, realized or understood that I react with jealousy when I see an expression within another being that I have suppressed within myself and so I am in fact seeing a part of my beingness represented by and within another being and within and as the experience and reaction of jealousy I am in fact suppressing this expression within myself even more by deliberately distracting my attention away from the reality of myself as the fact and the realization that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress that specific expression within and as myself and that I have thus made myself within and as myself 'inferior' to myself, by then directing all my anger as a reaction to this inferiority that I have created within myself to and towards this other person that is a representation for me of an expression of myself that I have suppressed within and as myself - and therein not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am in fact thus attacking this expression within myself as represented by this being, and thus perpetuating this vicious cycle of self-suppression

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when I react with jealousy towards another person in my mind - I am actually attacking a part of myself as a specific expression that I am seeing projected within and represented by this person and I am within that reaction thus suppressing that expression within and as myself - and thus in fact fueling this experience and reaction of jealousy within myself even more as I continue suppressing that expression within and as myself and then projecting it outwards into and within other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from other people by using them within my mind to create an excuse for myself to distract my attention away from the fact that I have suppressed specific expressions within and of myself by having projected those expressions within other people and then reacting to them in my mind with jealousy and so creating the illusion that this expression 'them' and not 'me' because I have accepted and allowed myself to be unwilling to take responsibility for myself and to actually correct that relationship with myself by developing and nurturing and discovering those expressions of myself that other people are now showing to me within and as my world and reality --- and therein thus using the emotional reaction of jealousy coming up within myself as a tool for myself to be able to recognize and detect the specific expressions that I have suppressed within myself and so to know which expressions I must thus nurture and develop within myself and so give to myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed jealousy to exist within and as myself in my relationship with other beings as myself - as an attack towards other people as myself wherein I am creating absolute separation within and as myself as life by not honouring, respecting and valuing the life and expression of life within and as another and so within and as myself in oneness and equality as the realization and insight that another is myself and what I see within another and what I am reacting to as another is in fact myself

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand what I am actually doing to myself as a being when and as I accept and allow myself to experience jealousy and define myself within and as the experience of jealousy towards another person -- which is that I am depleting, limiting and diminishing myself as my expression and beingness within and as myself  by reacting emotionally to the expression that I see within another and by not seeing, realizing and understanding that within that reaction to another person's expression, I am actually reacting to my own expression and therein keeping my expression suppressed and keeping myself within and as an internal experience of inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a resistance in relation to taking responsibility for the fact that I have suppressed my expression within and as myself and so correcting that internal relationship with myself - and then from that resistance, go into my mind and create an excuse for myself to not take that responsibility for that relationship that I have created with myself within and as myself by then projecting those expressions that I have suppressed within myself onto other beings and the react emotionally within and as jealousy to those beings -- wherein I am then separating myself even further from my own internal expression as I keep on diverting my attention away from who I actually am within and as myself by placing it within other people and my emotional reactions to 'other people' - rather than seeing, realizing and understanding that those apparent 'other people' are really just parts of myself that I have not yet accepted and embraced within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself in relation to the experience and reaction of jealousy when and as it comes up within myself by first of all reacting to the experience of jealousy and the secret spiteful backchat connected it, with wanting to suppress this experience because I have judged it within my mind as 'bad' and 'negative' and because I don't want to see or accept myself as 'bad' or 'negative' and so I will also not want to accept the mind-construct of jealousy -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the only reason why I experience resistance and why I go into a reaction of suppression in relation to the emotional experience of jealousy is because of the fact that I have separated myself from this specific mind-construct by having judged jealousy as something 'bad', and that the experience and mind-construct of jealousy in itself isn't actually really 'bad' or 'negative', as it is a part of myself within and as the mind that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within the pattern of self-victimization that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within in relation to specific emotional experiences and thoughts that I have defined as 'negative' and 'bad' such as 'jealousy', eventually even go into an emotional experience of giving up as a result of fighting and resisting the experience of jealousy within myself from the starting point of not wanting to be honest with myself and accept the reality of myself as how I exist within and as my mind - and thus within that point of giving up essentially make a statement that I am not taking any responsibility for my own internal reality and for the fact that I am deliberately creating a friction and conflict within myself and so eventually a giving up because I am simply not willing to accept and embrace and stand one and equal with the mind-construct of jealousy within myself

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see the experience of jealousy coming up within myself as a reaction to a specific expression that I am seeing within another person, wherein I see myself going into a secret space inside of myself wherein I participate within emotional experiences of hate, spitefulness, resentment and anger towards this individual as a projection of them in my mind, accompanied by and connected to secret backchat wherein I try to look for ways to diminish them and make them inferior within my mind, to try and make myself feel powerful - I stop and breathe - and I see, realize and understand that what I am reacting to and what triggered and activated the reaction of jealousy within myself is that when I saw this specific individual with my eyes I was confronted with a specific expression that I am seeing within them that I am actually suppressing and judging within and as myself and within and as the reaction of jealousy towards this individual I am in fact deliberately diverting my attention away from this relationship of suppression and judgment that I have created within myself in relation to that specific expression within and of myself because I don't really want to take responsibility for myself and actually face my suppressions and judgments that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself

So within this I see, realize and understand that the solution for the emotional reaction and experience of jealousy towards other people - is to take responsibility for the suppressions and judgments as self-limitations that I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself in relation to specific aspects, parts and expressions of myself and to find a way to correct this relationship with myself and therein give myself those specific expressions that I experience jealousy towards, within and as the realization that the reaction of jealousy is in fact just me not being honest with myself about the fact that the expression that I am seeing within the person that I feel jealous of is in fact a part of myself and that within and as the reaction of jealousy I am in fact deliberately separating myself from that expression within and of myself

Where, I see, realize and understand that if and when I accept and allow myself to react within jealousy towards another person and a specific expression that I see within them, and I thus accept and allow myself to go into an 'attack' of that expression by participating in all sorts of hateful, spiteful and resentful backchat and experiences -- that I am therein in fact attacking myself as that expression within and as myself by not seeing, realizing and understanding that the expression that I am seeing within that individual is something that actually does exist within me, I have just never allowed myself to access it as myself and express it within and as myself -- because I have accepted and allowed this vicious cycle to exist within myself where I am constantly attacking my own expression by attacking the expression of other people by reacting within and as jealousy in my mind

And so I commit myself to find and detect and define those expressions that I have suppressed and judged within and as myself through for instance using the experience of jealousy as a tool - where, when I see the experience of jealousy coming up within myself, I step back within myself and I investigate what the expression is exactly that I am reacting to as that is the expression that I must discover, develop and explore within myself and so give to myself -- wherein thus I take responsibility for who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become within and as myself and for the suppressions and the judgments that I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself and to interfere with and sabotage my relationship with myself and my self-value, self-worth, self-respect, self-integrity and self-acceptance

And so within this I commit myself to develop self-value, self-worth, self-respect, self-integrity and self-acceptance within and as myself in my relationship to myself - by developing those expressions  in my relationship with other people through for instance not accepting and allowing myself to go into or define myself within and as the experience and reaction of jealousy and so not accept and allow myself to participate in hateful, spiteful and resentful backchat or experiences in relation to other people - as I see, realize and understand that whatever I think and experience towards another, is what I am doing to myself within and as myself

When and as I see myself going into a reaction of self-victimization to the emotional experience and backchat of jealousy in relation to specific people in my world and reality - where I start trying to suppress and fight that experience of jealousy within myself because I believe that it is a 'bad' experience and that I shouldn't be experiencing jealousy because I don't want to be seen as or see myself as a 'bad' person - I stop and breathe, and I see, realize and understand that this experience of jealousy within myself is not 'bad' or 'negative' and that, if anything, this negatively charged energetic experience within myself of 'jealousy' is a tool that I can use to assist and support myself in my process of developing and expanding and exploring myself as a being because I realize, see and understand that when I go into an experience of jealousy towards someone then that is an indicator that there is an expression within myself that I am suppressing and not giving to myself and I am now seeing that expression within this individual and is thus an opportunity for myself to explore  how I can develop and nurture that specific expression within and as myself

And I see, realize and understand that as long as I am judging jealousy as something 'bad' and as long as I am fighting and suppressing the mind construct of jealousy within myself - I am actually making it something consequential because now -- because I am not embracing and accepting jealousy within myself, I can also not direct it or redefine it or use it within my process of self-realization --- which means that this jealousy experience will actually start to have control and power over me and I am thus essentially making it into the 'monster' that I initially feared and believed it to be

So I commit myself to correct and transform this self-victimization pattern within and as myself in relation to emotional experiences such as jealousy - by first of all not accepting or allowing myself to go into or participate within any judgment to and towards what is going on in my own mind and to rather stand within and as self-honesty in relation to my mind in simply realizing and understanding that everything in my mind is me and that if I judge anything in my mind then it's like I am making the statement that that specific part of and in my mind that I am judging is not just 'me' but is somehow another kind of definition of either being 'good' or 'bad' or 'right' or 'wrong' or 'positive' or 'negative' -- which will then spark the victimization character within and as myself because obviously I don't want to be a 'bad' person so then I will start fighting and resisting and suppressing those parts within and of myself that I have judged as being 'bad', 'wrong' and 'negative'

So I mean, within this I see, realize and understand that I am not a 'bad' person and that nothing in my mind is 'bad' or 'wrong' or 'negative' - and that in fact all of who I am within and as my mind is just 'me', is just different parts of myself that I have separated from myself over time exactly by participating in judgment towards myself and towards other humans within and as this world and reality

Where I see, realize and understand that in fact nothing and no one in this world is 'bad' or 'wrong' or 'negative' and that, just like who I am within myself and how I exist within and as myself, everything and every being in this world exist as an accumulated consequence of how we as humans have accepted and allowed ourselves to separate ourselves in the within and without of ourselves throughout time and that as long as I am judging anything that exist in this world within and without of myself, I will never be able to correct or change or find solutions for the problems that I am facing in this world and in myself