2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority -- Part 2

 2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority Part 2

Changing a Experience of Inferiority in Real-Time

2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority - See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/07/2014-belittled-mouse-and-roaring-lion.html#sthash.E22qHWud.dpuf

In Part 1 I have discussed and laid out the basic pattern that I have been faced with in my relationship with a male partner, which was one of inferiorizing myself within myself to and towards my partner within an emotional pattern that gets activated by a fear of losing my partner that at some point in our relationship starts coming up within myself.

Now, as I noticed myself going into this specific emotional pattern of inferiority within and as the specific emotional reactions and experiences as described in Part 1 again - I saw and realized that I was accepting and allowing myself to step into a self-destructive pattern within my mind and that if I do not stop and change myself within this pattern immediately, it will start spinning out of control and it will eventually lead to the end of the relationship and thus the manifestation of the fear that is at the very starting point of this self-sabotaging emotional pattern - because, I have witnessed myself playing out this pattern before in my relationships with other people and, even though the entire pattern is based on trying to hold on to those relationships out of fear of losing them, it ended up eventually costing me the relationship.

The moment that I could identify within myself as what triggered and started activating the pattern of self-suppression within and as emotional reactions and experiences of fear, sadness, depression and self-pity, is when I perceived and interpreted the behavior and expression of my partner to be 'distanced' and 'reserved' - to which I within myself reacted with backchat and internal conversations, saying to myself that 'he is annoyed with me for some reason' and 'he doesn't like something that I did or said', which then triggered projections within my mind wherein I imagined that he would eventually break up with me because he 'doesn't like me anymore' or because 'he is feeling more and more annoyed with me', connected with an emotional experience of fear.

From that point of fear, connected with seeing those future projections in my mind of 'him breaking up with me', I then go into a point of depression as a way of subconsciously trying to manipulate myself and my partner to take pity on me and then, out of pity, give me what I want. I mean, I have never realized this about the nature of depression, but as I have walked my process of investigating who I am within and as my own mind, I have come to the conclusion that indeed, depression is a self-created deliberate experience motivated by a desire to have control over my environment and manipulate my environment to be and move according to what I personally want and desire. For instance, in this specific pattern, the experience of depression is only there because I actually fear losing something and because in my subconscious mind I believe that I can hold on to what I fear losing through using depression to initiate an experience of pity within other people.

So, as I was seeing myself sinking into a depression and entertaining all sorts of backchat within my mind wherein I was basically fueling the experience of depression in a continuous feedback cycle and diminishing myself more and more - and I could simultaneously see that while I was participating in this mind-construct of trying to hold on to and have control over that which I feared losing, being my partner and our relationship, I was actually busy creating the exact opposite of that by pushing my partner and our relationship away from myself through isolating myself within and as the experience of depression, and thus essentially manifesting my own fear - I then decided to sit myself down in front of my laptop and stop myself within and as this experience through writing Self-Forgiveness.

At the end of this blog is an excerpt from the self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements that I wrote out in that moment – which, after having looked at it again later on, didn’t specifically correlate with the basic design of the point that I was facing in that moment and that I had written out in my first blog – nonetheless, because I moved and directed myself in finding an immediate solution to my emotional reactions in the moment as they came up, the self-forgiveness and self-correction that I applied is still relevant and was still effective.

Through, within the moment that I saw and experienced myself being enveloped by and within an emotional experience, accompanied by specific thoughts that I was entertaining in my mind, applying this written Self-Forgiveness, I was able to stop the immediate overwhelmingness of the experience within myself and stop myself from fueling the thoughts further and going deeper into it - and so essentially bypassing some possible consequences in relation to my expression and behavior to and towards my environment.

 However, I found that in terms of this experience and its trigger point, upon investigating myself in self-honesty - I can see that there are still layers existing within myself of how this specific mind-construct exists, works and functions within myself. So, within the Next Step I will share how I am facing this pattern within my life and how I am , through applying the Tools of Self-honesty, Self-Forgiveness and Practical real-time Self-Correction, changing it within and as myself and simultaneously changing my Life and Relationships in my external world and reality.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that X will reject me and break up with me just like Y did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my memory of Y onto X and expect that X will express himself and behave in the same way as Y did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a fear that the past will repeat itself and to therein already blame X for making me feel rejected and alone by assuming that he will inevitably do the same as what I believe Y has done onto me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as an experience of blame and anger towards Y within and as the thought that 'he broke up with me for no reason' and that 'he hurt me by making me feel rejected and unworthy when he broke up with me' - and that I have therein accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as this memory and this experience of rejection and unworthiness -- where now I believe that X will do the same thing and that I again will experience myself as rejected and unworthy just like in my memory of Y --- instead of releasing the past through realizing that in fact how Y expressed himself within and as 'breaking up with me' was never personal and that I felt rejected and unworthy because I created personal interpretations and perceptions of his expression wherein I took his expression personally - rather than seeing and recognizing his expression directly as simply an expression of who he is as a life form and so seeing, realizing and understanding that his expression did not define me personally

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for my memories of Y by blaming him for the rejection and unworthiness that I experienced within and as myself by thinking that 'he made me feel that way by breaking up with me' - instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the problem has all along been me in my mind having created personal interpretations of his expression and having taken his expression personally by 'feeling rejected'  and by defining myself within and as his reaction to me --- instead of remaining stable within and as myself within and as the realization and understanding that Y breaking up with me is an expression of who he is within and as himself and how he has accepted and allowed himself to react to his world and reality, which is completely based on his own past and memories in his mind and the parts of himself that he doesn't want to be confronted with - and has got nothing to do with who I am as a being within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my starting point within creating a relationship with Y is that I was looking for validation and recognition in separation from myself wherein I was thus already defining myself within and as 'how Y sees me' rather than creating relationships with other beings from the starting point of existing and standing within and as self-validation and self-recognition -- and that is why, when Y broke up with me, I took it personally and I defined myself within and as his reaction/opinion/judgment/experience of me --- rather than seeing, realizing and understanding that I decide who I am and I define who I am within and as myself  and that the response and reactions of other beings to me are never personal just like my reactions to other people are never personal

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the points that I have blamed in Y such as him not having communicated with me about why he wanted to break up or what he wasn't satisfied with in the relationship and Y not being direct with me about what he wanted out of the relationship and where he stood in relation to me - is actually points that I have not taken responsibility for to develop within and as myself --- and that it is in fact my responsibility to stand and live as that which I want from my partner within and as the relationship and i thus have to walk a process of self-investigation and self-creation to be and become a living example of what is best for all with regards to being in a relationship with someone

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back within and as my expression to and towards my partner out of fear that I may lose him I he doesn't agree with or like my expression - and that I have therein created the consequence of in fact losing the relationship because the reality of who I am cannot be hidden forever --- instead of being direct with myself and my partner from the beginning of the relationship and not waver in my stance, within and as the realization and understanding that if I try to suppress parts of myself because of fear that my partner may leave me then I am sabotaging the potential of the relationship to become something real, because who I really am within and as myself will come out eventually so my partner will see the 'real me' anyways

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Y for not being direct with me about who he is and where he stands and for the relationship eventually falling apart instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the relationship fell apart because I wasn't honest with myself from the get go and because I tried to hide and suppress who I really am out of fear of losing the relationship --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is the consequence of placing the relationship before myself and not seeing, realizing and understanding that if I do not stand and exist within and as self-honesty and self-expression, self-respect and self-acceptance, then the relationship will also not be supportive of who I really am

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give superior value to the word, concept and idea of 'the relationship' with regards to being with Y and to place this word/concept and idea above myself in separation of myself within my mind and therein not see, recognize or consider the actual reality of what it means to be in a relationship with another being -- where, in fact, the only thing that really makes up the relationship and that makes a relationship 'work' is me and my relationship with myself within and as myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to, because I have given such superior value to the concept and idea of having a relationship and being in a relationship in my mind, suppress and hide myself and hold myself back in my expression in relation to my partner, within and as the idea and belief  in my mind that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself that I will have more control over the relationship and over my partner if I suppress myself and if I try to change and transform myself like a chameleon to be and become that which I believe and think my partner will 'like' and 'enjoy' and that in this way I will be able to keep the 'relationship' in my world --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that 'the relationship' as an idea, concept and thought in my mind, Is an illusion because in reality it isn't an actual 'thing' that exist in separation of myself that I can 'hold on to' or 'have' --- the 'relationship' is simply a word that refers to an interaction between two manifestations in physical reaction - wherein thus 'the relationship' will be equal and one with what I create within and as my interaction with this other manifestation/being --- wherein thus, the relationship is not a 'static' and onedimensional idea or concept, it is a constant movement and expression of 'who I am', that does not have more value than 'who I am' within and as myself

I forgive myself  that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my relationship with Y and the fact that it 'ended' was because my starting point within and as it was in separation of myself, where thus the ending was one and equal with the beginning - because, in reality, I never actually really considered the practical dimensions involved in actually living and walking a real-time relationship with Y because all that I considered was this idea in my mind of 'the relationship' that I had given superior value over the actual practical reality

So I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that in reality, I never actually had a real relationship with Y, because I never even bothered to put in the effort required to establish a real connection and understanding between him and me or to even be direct and straightforward and honest with myself about who I am and where I stand in relation to the relationship

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself going into a reaction of fear and inferiority towards my partner, within and as a thought in my mind that 'I am going to lose him' and 'he will break up with me' and 'our relationship is going to end' if I express myself in this or that way - then I stop and breathe - and I see, realize and understand that within this fear and thought process I am actually projecting the past onto the future , by connecting a memory of my last relationship break up onto the current one, within and as a fear that the same thing is going to happen to me -- meaning that 'he is going to break up with me and I will feel very sad and depressed and rejected'

Here, I see, realize and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as blame towards my previous partner for 'breaking up with me' where I have defined myself to be 'the victim' - and that therein I am not taking responsibility for how I have actually created my previous relationship and the break up myself through how I did not stand within and as the point of direction and responsibility within the relationship

So, I release this memory of my previous relationship through releasing and forgiving the emotional connection that I have created in my mind with this memory as an experience of blame and fear in relation to Y --- wherein I take responsibility for how the relationship turned out and for what the relationship was and what it existed as --- because I see, realize and understand that the relationship stands one and equal with who I am within and as myself   and that the fact that I felt 'rejected' within and as my relationship with Y, implies that in fact I had rejected myself by not standing as the directive principle within the relationship from the get go because I gave more value to an idea in my mind of 'the relationship'  rather than valuing myself and my own expression

I see, realize and understand that a relationship is nothing more than a physical interaction between two physical manifestation - and that this relationship is entirely created and determined by who the two beings/manifestations are within themselves --- wherein thus, I see, realize and understand that any relationship that I have with another being is entirely determined by who I am within myself and the effort and consideration that I place within creating, building and manifesting this 'relationship'

Meaning that, I see, realize and understand that whenever I become emotional within the relationship - for instance when I allow myself to go into an experience of fear of losing the relationship and then allow this fear to direct my physical expression towards my partner - then I am giving my directive power and responsibility for the relationship away to the mind and am thus not directly creating and forming the relationship into what is best for myself as what stands one and equal with who I am within and as myself

Thus I commit myself to, when and as I see myself becoming emotional within and as an experience of fear and I see myself giving away my power to the mind as fear - to stop and breathe - and to stabilize myself within and as breath within and as the insight, realization and understanding that I am not the victim within the relationship, I am the creative, directive and responsible principle

And so I commit myself to rather stand stable within and as myself and consider what it is that I am actually creating through my behaviour and through the internal and external state of being that I allow myself to go into - wherein I thus stand as the directive principle within and as the living statement that I create everything that is within and of my world in each moment of breath

2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority

2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority

Changing Inferiority in Real-Time

This is the process I have walked of me becoming inferior (as a mouse) interpreting other people as roaring lions and how I have changed and am in the process of changing this idea / perception of myself as inferior / mousy in my relationship to other people who I interpreted to be roaring lions. This process I am walking more specifically in the context of my relationship with my partner, which is where I first started noticing the deep impact that this tendency to make myself inferior within myself in relation to others actually has on me within my internal experience and external expression.

The problem I have noticed within how I experience and express myself in my relationship with my partner, is that there is a specific emotional/mental and behavioral pattern that keeps emerging within myself and that, as the relationship progresses, gets more and more problematic.

This pattern is an activation of specific emotional experiences that come up within myself, wherein at some point in the relationship, like already after a few weeks or a month, I start to feel very afraid and scared in relation to my partner and specifically in relation to all sorts of thoughts that are popping up in my mind, for instance thoughts like 'he is going to leave me' or 'he is not interested in/attracted to me anymore' - which then activates images  in my imagination where I can already see him breaking up with me and I see myself going into a depressed and desperate state that I have connected with the idea and thought of 'losing him', to which I react with an emotion of panic and fear -- which then in turn sets of  a sort of 'downwards spiral' within myself because from the reaction and experience of Fear and Panic, I tumble further into an experience and state of depression.

And, what is most interesting about this downwards spiral wherein eventually I feel completely overwhelmed by all these thoughts and emotional experiences in relation to losing the relationship  - thoughts that eventually branch out in various directions, fuelling all sorts of ideas and definitions that I have created about ‘who I am’ and ‘who my partner is’ in my mind that then activate more emotional reactions – is that the starting point of it is just one thought that crept into my mind wherein I made an interpretation  of my partners’ behaviour/expression. I mean, I made an interpretation, where for instance, I see and notice that he is speaking less and interacting less than usual with me and, instead of making a thorough investigating into why there is a change in his expression, through for instance communicating and being open and observant, I immediately go over into making personal interpretations of what his expression and behaviour could ‘mean’ from the perspective of the meaning that I have already given to who I am within myself, which would be all my doubts and fears and insecurities.

For instance, I make the interpretation that he is not speaking to me and being reserved and less interactive ‘because he doesn’t feel attracted to me anymore’ – because, ‘he actually wants to be with someone else’ or ‘he thinks I am not pretty enough for him’ and ‘he feels disappointed  now that he is getting to know me better’, etcetera. I mean, there is no real evidence in my physical reality for why I should understand and interpret his behaviour in this way – so really, it is only because I have placed more value within my mind as personal ideas and belief systems than on physical reality, that I am allowing these thoughts, interpretations and emotional reactions to take me for a ride. And, because they are not actually built and based on a real point in physical reality – it’s like they can just keep on building on each other and thus drag me into an infinite spiral of internal reactions and experiences, without any ‘grounding’ point in physical reality. 

A ‘grounding’ point would be for instance an actual realization, insight and understanding of what is physically really going on in my reality – which is something that I, ironically enough, would only be able to see if and when I open myself up to the possibility that my internal world and reality of thoughts, feelings and emotions may not actually be reality. 

So, what I found about what this emotional state of depression that I go into, activated by that one point of interpretation of my partners behaviour, actually is – is that it is a mental/emotional experience of self-pity and sadness - which are specifically programs/constructs within the mind that the mind uses as a device to manipulate the environment through emotions and to therein be able to experience some form of control over what happens in that environment and in the behaviour of other people.

Per example, at school I used the external image of ‘depression’ to get attention from my peers, meaning that I would deliberately go and isolate myself from the group whenever I felt like I wasn’t getting enough attention because I found that someone would usually come over to me to ask me what is going on and thus I would get my desired attention --- by acting as if ‘something is going on with me’. I did the same at birthday parties to make sure that I was always the centre of attention.

And then when I entered the ‘relationships/sex-arena’ I actually started to completely internalize this ‘depressed state’/manipulation technique by going so completely in to that experience of ‘feeling low/sad’, often accompanied by the physical action of isolating myself, that I started to lose people in my life, specifically the males that I felt interested in and that I either wanted to be in a relationship with or was already in a relationship with. 

The point that I strange enough never understood, saw or realized, is that even though people may give me attention when I am ‘in a depression’, that doesn’t mean that they ‘like me’ or want to be around me – in fact, quite the opposite.  I mean obviously, who wants to be around someone who is constantly depressed and needs you to pity them?  Because I never placed myself in the shoes of the people around me, I didn’t consider that I myself don’t enjoy being in the presence of depressed, attention-needing and pity-seeking people – so, why is it that I am assuming that others will?

So, while in my mind I believe that going into this state of depression is a way to control and hold on to my relationships with people – in reality it is actually in reverse --- which I never saw, realized or understood because I never investigated my internal and external reality, I only ever trusted the onedimensional experiences in and of my mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions without ever in any way relating them to physical reality.

Thus,  the problematic nature of me going into this mental/emotional pattern of fear and depression within my relationship is that:

1. Within this state of fear/depression, I victimize myself and I make myself inferior not only to my partner, or rather my own thoughts and ideas about 'who my partner is' that I have created in my mind, but therein I also make myself inferior to my own mind as the emotional experiences that come up within myself - which means that I will very easily become very emotional within myself, which then results in an 'irrationality' in my behaviour, expression and decision-making
2. I suppress my expression when I am in the presence of my partner because I am consumed by the constant thoughts of fear in relation to 'if I express myself in this or that way, then he will think this or that and react in this or that way - and then that can eventually lead up to him breaking up with me and me losing him', so then I believe that it is 'safer' for me to not express myself and rather sink into a state of depression, as that creates the illusion within my mind that I somehow have some form of control over him and the relationship
3. I am no longer Here, present and aware in my immediate physical reality and I find it difficult to focus on my work and on my physical responsibilities because all that I really want to do in that state of depression is crawl up in a ball somewhere and isolate myself from everything and everyone and basically 'wallow' in self-pity

Within these three dimensions of the consequences that I am creating in my relationship with myself and my partner by participating within the Reactive Mind-Pattern of Fear of Loss, which I have named the 'Holy Trinity of Self-Destruction', I can see clearly how I am essentially giving up on Myself and my entire Life and Living - only because of one emotional experience of Fear that is triggered in one moment by one specific Thought that I may lose my partner.

I mean, having now established the absolute problematic and just plain self-destructive reality of this Mind-Construct of Fear of Loss within a relationship - I am committing myself to walk a process of correcting this pattern through applying specific tools of self-investigation, self-forgiveness, self-commitment and practical real-time self-change -- so that I can transform the Holy Trinity of Self-Destruction into becoming a Holy Trinity of Self-Support and Self-Nurturing.