2014 Changing A Fear-Reaction towards A Person in Real-Time - Part 4

This blog is a continuation in my Journey and Process of practically, physically changing a Fear-Reaction towards A Person in my environment. In this process I have already walked through three layers within and of the mind in relation to this experience of Fear that I had initially identified within myself towards an individual in my immediate physical environment. Those three steps that I have walked through in writing and applying the tools of self-honesty, self-investigative writing, self-forgiveness and self-correction - can be found Here.

Basically, what i have been doing within walking these 'steps' of Changing a Fear reaction, is that, each time that I investigated a layer in and of my mind that I identified as specific thoughts and emotional/feeling experiences in relation to an individual in my environment - I then in the next step firstly reassessed the previous step and my actual effectiveness in applying the Correction/Change of the specific mind-pattern that I had identified, because I want to make sure that the process of Self-Change that I am busy walking here is not just empty words that look nice 'on paper', but that there is actual Self-Change manifesting. After all, it is only through 'checking', cross-referencing, assessing and reassessing myself, that I ensure for and as myself that I am actually doing what it is that I set out to do.

After this reassessment, I looked again at my relationship with this specific individual in my world and reality and investigated if and where there still exist experiences within myself and what those experiences are --- which I would then write out and change/correct through applying the tools of self-investigation, self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-correction - and self-evaluation.

So, here within this fourth step, I will be looking at the overall effectiveness of and within the process that I have walked thus far - and specifically I will be identifying where and how it is that I have changed and where and how I have not changed -- from where then I will again have a starting point to continue walking this process.

In terms of why it is that this process is ongoing and not a 'clear-cut' one-step self-transformation - is because this one point that I had identified within myself, as this experience of fear in relation to a person in my physical environment, does not 'stand alone' within myself -- it is intertwined and interconnected with the rest of me, being my entire mind, conscious, subconscious and unconscious. So, as I started walking this process of changing seemingly only one point within my mind, in fact I was peeling off a layer within and of that one point, to see and discover more dimensions of how this point exists within myself that I had not considered when I initially started looking into it.

So, when I look at the process that i have walked so far, in writing and in physical correction and application - and I have a look at how and where it is that I have in fact changed myself within my experience and expression towards this specific individual and where it is that I have not changed - then I can see that:

Where I have Changed

On a physical level, the intense reaction of fear/anxiety energy in my chest area has dissipated. Before, there was a physical energy experience in my stomach area and my chest area that I experienced when I saw X, where I would go into a ‘cringing’ within myself – where now, the intense energy in my chest and stomach area has largely subsided, I no longer ‘cringe’ --- and what I still do experience is an energetic movement in the center of myself, in my solar plexus, more on a deeper level within myself.

Another point that changed is the relationship point of which I had written down the Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction statements in the second step – where I would feel inferior towards her because of seeing that she has a relationship and then measuring her ‘value’ in comparison to me according to the fact that she has a relationship and I do not. So now when I see her, alone or with her partner, I do not react to this point anymore as I see, realize and understand that the point of ‘having a relationship’ is not what defines her as an individual being – and that I had created the experience of inferiority towards her myself by having accepted and allowed a value-system to exist within myself based on my personal desire for a relationship wherein I judged her from the starting point of that personal value-system.

So what changed is the general feeling of inferiority towards her, and the backchat that flowed from that, where I would for instance go into thoughts of ‘it’s not fair that she has a relationship and I don’t’, and from that backchat I would go into a reaction of spitefulness and anger, and then guilt, and then fear again, etcetera. That cycle is gone within my experience towards her.

This would be the first step, where I did the practical real-time self forgiveness in a moment when I saw her and the experience of inferiority came up within myself, along with the hidden judgments about her ‘relationship status’ compared to mine – so, this is a cool cross reference point for me to see that this step was effective --- that now, those specific thoughts and experiences are no longer here and that in fact I have changed in my experience of ‘who I am’ in relation to her.

In the third step within this process, in my writing I had a look at specific memories that came up within my subconscious mind when I saw X, that were at the origin of an experience within myself wherein, every time I looked at X, within my mind, I would subconsciously categorize and judge her as a ‘cool’ girl and would, in comparison, feel inferior towards her by thinking that ‘I am not cool like her’. Where, the judgment of ‘coolness’ was based specifically on the point of her receiving attention from males. And so, these memories that I had investigated within my writing, of my school years where I faced similar thoughts and experiences within myself of inferiority towards specific girls in my class, were part of the underlying personality structure behind the experiences within myself that I had been able to pinpoint in the first step within this process.

And, after having walked through the self forgiveness and self-corrective process of this specific personality structure, connected with these memories  - the point that changed within how I would experience myself in relation to X was this point where I would look up to her and give her a specific ‘position’ within a ‘social hierarchy’ that I had created within my mind, for instance where I would judge and define her as a ‘cool girl’, in comparison with other people who I would classify within my mind as ‘not cool’ (entirely based on the point of ‘relationships’). This meant that now I was seeing her more as who she is as a being, no superior or inferior to me and I was thus more relaxed and comfortable in her presence as now I saw, realized and understood that I do not need her ‘friendship’/’companionship’ and I don’t need her to ‘notice’ or ‘accept’ me so that I could in some way think and believe that I am ‘more’/’superior’ – because, she is in fact a being that exists Here, just like me.

    Where I haven't Changed

The second step that I had walked was the written self forgiveness and self corrective statements in relation to a personality system that activated within myself each time that I am around her, consisting of thoughts of insecurity with regards to whether or not she likes me, within and as an energetic polarity of desire to be liked by her and fear that she doesn’t like me. And, within approaching her this time, I could see that the thoughts that would still trigger an emotional reaction of tension, anxiety and fear within myself, were those thoughts in relation to wanting her to like me, for instance ‘what am I going to say to her?’, ‘what if I say something weird and she will think that I am weird and then she will reject me within her thoughts’ – connected with imagination that pops up of projections in my mind of my fears where I imagine myself going up to her and not knowing what to say and I see within her face that she is feeling uncomfortable in relation to me and therein within her mind is deciding that she ‘doesn’t like me’.

So, basically, the point where I am not standing as authority towards within my mind – is the future projections --- because, from the moment that those future projections of my fears come up in my mind, I step into a form of panic reaction within myself, wherein I feel as though I have no ground to stand on, no stability in the moment that is Here and all that exist within me is that fear of the future - fear that my fear, as depicted within the future projection within my mind, may play out in the future, if I were to for instance step up to her in the moment with the intention of communicating/speaking with her.

Where, within this future projection within my mind exist the belief/idea about myself that ‘I will Fail if I try to communicate/speak to people’, where thus actually the ‘fear of X not liking me’ within and as a future projection in my mind, is in fact a ‘fear of failing’. Which would explain why I ‘did not get the point’ within the process that I had walked of written self forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective statements and why these specific experiences were still Here --- as there was a ‘hidden point’ behind what I was directly seeing within myself.

So - to summarize:

·         What did change?

• The physical reaction of a cringing in stomach and chest area

• The emotional reaction of fear upon seeing her

• The experience of desire to be her friend and to be accepted by her

• The experience of inferiority towards her and the comparison in my mind based on the point of ‘having a relationship’ that was connected to it

·         What didn’t change?

• The experience of anxiety, tension and fear that comes up in the moment where I want to go up to her and have a conversation with her - specifically triggered by thoughts in relation to a fear of Failing

What is the next step?

Now that I have this evaluation and assessment of my process of changing a fear reaction towards a person in real-time written down, in the next step I can take this information - specifically the points wherein I had noticed that I had not changed within my experience in relation to this specific individual and wherein I in other words did not yet establish myself as the directive principle of who i am in relation to my own thoughts and reactions that would come up within my mind when I am in their presence - and then I again look at how i can practically apply and manifest a Real-Time Change within and as myself so that I can in fact stand within myself as a point of authority in relation to who I choose to be within myself in my interactions with my world and reality.

To be Continued...

2013 Why Do I Always Feel Left Out?

Why Do I Always Feel Left Out?

Changing Feeling Left Out in Real-Time 

In this blog I am starting a New Journey within walking my process of structured Self-Change, through and with applying the Tools of Writing, Self-Forgiveness, and Self-Correction - in a similar fashion as I have already been walking a Process of Changing a Fear Reaction towards A Person in Real-Time, which you can find Here and which I have found to be quite an effective approach to actual self-change -- this because of it's structured step-by-step design that provides a 'platform' within using the tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self-correction - and that, I find, gives the mind less 'freedom' to sabotage this process with preprogrammed structures/patterns of thoughts and energies to direct and guide me away from the process that I had set out for myself to walk.

This New Journey opened up in a moment where I found myself feeling overwhelmed by emotional experiences, to the point of physically starting to cry, triggered by a specific pattern of backchat that came up in my mind and that I had been investigating within my writing and applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements for - and of which i thought, or rather hoped, that I had stopped it never to return again. And here it was coming up in my mind as these automatic backchats and reactions that i saw myself accessing - and while i was witnessing myself going into it, i simultaneously thought 'no, i have walked this point, why is this still coming up - this isn't me!'. Then while i was trying to stabilize myself  and breathe through it, up came the tears, which has also been part of this specific program that i have accepted and allowed myself to integrate within my mind and physical body as a reactive pattern to a specific situation - so, it was like the program was just running itself, playing out within my mind and physical experience and expression, and i was standing on the sideline within myself watching it happen, feeling absolutely powerless towards what is going on within my own mind and physical body.

Then, when i came to the conclusion within my mind that 'this pattern is STILL here' - the thought- and emotional pattern changed/transformed into a pattern of self-defeat and a 'giving up' --- wherein, it felt as though all this time, i had been walking around trying to 'keep it together', trying to 'be stable', fighting and battling backchat and energies that are coming up within my mind -- and now in this one moment i couldn't anymore and i just 'gave up' on all of it, on process, on myself, because, according to my thoughts 'i can't do this' and 'i'll never be able to do this'. But I mean, this is a structure of backchat, energy and behavior that my mind is coming up with and that can influence and direct me only because i have given my mind the freedom to do that - because i have not stood as my own structure and platform within the process of self-change that i am walking. I had not given myself structure - all I did was apply the tools here and there and hoped that it would 'just go away' -- but i haven't actually walked a real practical structured process wherein I stand as the directive principle and where I create the Change within and as myself, I make the change happen by giving myself structure and direction --- in the same way that the mind has been deciding who i am through giving me a specific structure and direction (that isn't necessarily what is best for me).

Thus, the emotional reaction of giving up to the activation of this specific construct and program within my mind, showed me that i have been accepting and allowing energy to accumulate within and as this construct/program to the point where i am now feeling completely powerless in relation to it --- and thus also showing that i had in fact not been applying myself from the starting point of actually changing myself within and as this specific construct/program of the mind - because i did not walk a consistent process of self-investigation, self-forgiveness and self-correction as a real, practical application of self-directed and self-willed self-change.

Thus, the first step within this process of practically and realistically changing this construct/program within and of the mind that i am dealing with here, is to investigate, define and lay out the 'technical/structural details' of how it works and functions within and as my mind.

Here, upon investigating what it was that activated and came up in my mind when looking back within my memories at the moment that triggered the specific construct/program - what i found, was that i was seeing a specific image/scene play out within my environment, wherein i saw one woman approaching another woman and i observed how they started to talk about things among the two of them -- in response to which then within my mind, specific thoughts popped up that went along the lines of:

"I am being excluded from their conversation"
"they are talking amongst themselves and i am not a part of that"
"they probably don't want me to be part of their conversation"

To which then within myself, I reacted within an energetic experience of inferiority and loneliness -- after which, this specific backchat ran through my mind that said:

"other people are always together and i am always alone"
"why can't i also have and experience that togetherness that they have"
"Why do I never get that kind of attention"
"Why can't I ever get what I want"

Attached to these specific backchat statements were emotional experiences of anger and despair. And from this experience of Anger, which was essentially an experience of powerlessness, and despair - I eventually went into the physical act of crying, essentially within my mind going "poor me, it's so sad that this is happening to me", "I am such a victim to these thoughts and experiences within myself" -- wherein i am in fact stating that i am giving my power away to this specific program and construct of thoughts, backchat and emotional reactions within and as my mind, by defining myself within and as this 'character' of 'the victim' and the emotional experience of self-pity.

Having now identified the components within and of this specific experience as the thoughts, backchat and emotional reactions that came up within myself as a response to a specific event in my world and reality - I then had a look at how this specific backchat of 'feeling left out' and 'feeling alone', connected with a negative energetic experience of inferiority, sadness and anger, exists as the negative polarity point within a specific construct and program that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within in my mind. I thus investigated where in myself in relation to my world and reality i am in fact defining myself within and as the positive polarity in which i am generating positive energy within myself in relation to specific thoughts and backchat in my mind pertaining my relationship with the people in my world and reality.

And what i found was that what i have accepted and allowed to exist within my mind is an energetic polarity construct/program/system wherein, on the one hand, i am generating a lot of positive energy through thinking about and imagining and desiring a specific relationship, wherein i have basically projected experiences of affection, love, acceptance, intimacy and closeness that i believe to be lacking in my relationships with other people in my world and reality. However, within this, what I realized is that, how this polarity is set up - where on the one hand i feel and experience absolute separation between myself and the people in my world and reality, and on the other hand i desire absolute togetherness, connection and unity within this specific image in my mind of for instance being in a relationship with a partner, kissing, hugging, going out together and having sex - is that it is like i have taken all of my 'resources', and i have placed and channeled all of 'who i am' within this desire to have and experience being in a relationship, having a partner -- and experiencing that specific image in my imagination, which i have defined within ideas and experiences of 'intimacy', 'affection', 'love' and 'acceptance', and have been entertaining in my mind through the generation of lots of positive energy - because that is what has basically been running in the background in my mind, as my 'secret desire' that i am actually constantly - consciously and/or subconsciously - preoccupied with.

So, by placing all this value within this onedimensional image within my mind of having a specific relationship with a specific person, i have essentially 'de-valued' all of the other people in my immediate physical environment and my relationships with them - as i am not actually getting to know them and i am not actually really interested in them -- all that i am really interested in is that one person/individual in my imagination that i desire having a specific relationship with, so that i can experience all of those positive feelings and experiences that i have connected with that image within myself.

Then consequentially i will experience a 'separation' and a 'disconnection' within myself between myself and the people that i see in my immediate physical environment, and i will feel 'lonely' within myself - because in fact i have not given any real attention or made any real effort to 'connect' or communicate with them. Within this, interestingly enough, i will also not recognize or see the 'affection', 'togetherness', 'love' or 'acceptance' that potentially exists within those real physical connections and relationships with the people in my physical environment that is in fact right here in front of me - because i am looking and searching for 'affection', 'love' and 'acceptance' somewhere in an image in my mind, where i believe that 'affection/love/acceptance' means 'to be held by a partner in a romantic way' or 'to kiss passionately' or 'to lie in bed naked together' or 'to look deep in each others eyes and say "I love you darling"' -- wherein i have created this idea within my mind that 'affection can only be experienced in that specific way', not realizing that within this idea i am in fact completely separating myself from ever being able to see and realize the affection/love/togetherness/acceptance that is already Here, within the simple physical relationships with the people in my immediate environment.

This is thus the basic layout and 'technical properties' of this specific construct that is the foundational platform for this emotional experience within myself of 'feeling left out' and 'feeling alone, lonely and rejected' when being in a group of people - where, as i can see within my writings, this specific emotional experience is part of a 'construct'/'program' within my mind wherein various points hold each other in place -- such as the desire for a positive experience of affection, love and connection within and as a specific image in my mind, holds in place the negative experience within myself of feeling lonely, left out and rejected in relation to the people in my immediate physical environment.


This was then the first step/phase in this step-by-step process/program that i am walking of actual practical self-change within and as a specific emotional experience and energetic construct and preprogrammed pattern that i have identified within myself to be in fact an obstacle within my day to day living and interaction with my environment --- wherein i have in fact been sabotaging myself within my potential and ability to express and expand myself within and through my interaction and communication with my direct physical world and reality.

In the next blog i will be looking at how to apply the next step/phase within this process of taking the concept of 'change' in relation to this specific construct and program within my mind into practical application.