2014 How I Stabilized Myself with Being Alone - Facing The Inner Emptiness

A few weeks ago someone in my life that I had built up quite a deep and intense relationship with moved away for what is going to be quite a long time, which meant that all of a sudden, after having spent every day and almost every moment physically together for a long time, I found myself alone. Initially it looked like I was still more or less stable within myself and as though him leaving didn't have all that much of an impact on me. However after a few days I started to notice this experience of an emptiness within myself, as though there was something missing in my life.

I would still do my work and do the same things that I did when he was with me, but within myself the experience of myself had changed, where I now felt like I was less 'alive' than I was when he was there. Initially I thought that I probably just need some time to adjust to this new situation, because I was aware that I had, within my mind, physical and being experience, become quite accustomed to his physical presence in my day-to-day life and living - so I was expecting this experience of like an internal 'emptiness' and 'lostness' to eventually go away by itself as I become used to my new physical 'settings'.

After a week however, at a point I found myself sitting in front of my laptop trying to get some work done and inside of myself I felt like I was sinking deeper into this experience of 'lifelessness' where my eyes also felt like they were sinking into their sockets. My physical body was overall feeling very uncomfortable because of how stuck I felt in that emotional internal experience of 'emptiness', 'lifelessness' and 'lostness'. So, at that point I realized that I need to take action to make sure that this emotional state is directed so that it doesn't become worse and spirals out of control where it will eventually start to influence my work and my daily interactions with my physical reality.

I opened up a blank document on my laptop and I started to write about the experience, specifically looking at what the thoughts are that have been crossing my mind during those days as what may have been contributing to this specific emotional/energetic experience within myself of feeling 'empty' and 'lifeless' and 'lost'. Then, having written down the thoughts that I could identify as what had been going through my mind - I noticed a fascinating pattern. I realized that from the time that he had left, within my mind I had basically been fearing my own emotional reactions. At some point, I had accepted the idea within my mind that I should not be reacting emotionally to him leaving and that this event in my physical world and reality should not influence me emotionally. So, what I had in fact been doing this whole time was fighting, suppressing, hiding and denying my own emotional reactions.

The specific thoughts wherein I noticed this pattern playing out were thoughts wherein I found myself thinking about and projecting this image of myself as how I was and experienced myself before this person left and comparing that image/projection with how I am expressing and experiencing myself now, with an underlying thought of 'I have to be the same as then - internally and externally - I mustn't let myself become emotional about this or change in my expression and behaviour', to which I then reacted with an experience of panic and fear in relation to my own internal reality because I didn't want to see, realize or be confronted with the reality that I was in fact experiencing emotional reactions in relation to having lost his physical presence in my world.

So then, by having been reacting to my own emotional reactions, I was actually creating secondary emotional experiences within myself, like a layer of emotions and thoughts on top of a layer of emotions and thoughts - instead of simply being honest with myself, facing and dealing with the primary layer as what I am actually really in fact going through within myself. I mean, this is a pattern that I see has played out in my life many times, where I would go into a state of denial and suppression of how I am reacting within myself to a specific event in my physical world and reality, just because I have accepted specific judgments to exist within my mind about my own emotional and feeling reactions, which then ended up creating this experience within myself of feeling lost and empty. And I have found that this actually just makes the whole thing worse than if I had just been honest with myself about who I really am inside of myself - meaning, how I am really feeling and reacting within myself and so not try to pretend as if I am this stable individual who doesn't react to things. I have realized for myself that this point of being honest with myself about what is really going on within myself is the first step towards being able to change my internal reality.

After having realized this point of insight into and understanding of how I had been creating this experience of 'lifelessness' and 'emptiness' within myself, which was - as I realized - in fact a consequence of the fact that I was trying to suppress my actual emotional experiences and reactions to what had happened, I then went over into the application of self-forgiveness, as the act of releasing this 'mind-construct' that I had created within myself as the reaction of fighting, suppressing, hiding and denying my own internal emotional experiences. After having applied this written self-forgiveness, which I am sharing below, the experience of lifelessness and emptiness was gone and I felt lighter and more clear and present within myself - which was my indicator that I had found the point within myself that was creating the internal experience of lifelessness and emptiness and that the self-forgiveness was effective. What determines this effectiveness of the self-forgiveness application is whether or not I am willing to be truly honest with myself and willing to face that which is really going on within myself - meaning, willing to face that which I actually don't want to face.

What also assisted me within this process of finding that point within myself of seeing and realizing what was really going on in my mind and how I was creating an experience of emptiness and lifelessness - is that I had just listened to a Reptilians Interview from Eqafe, specifically "Mind Cycles - Reptilians - Part 321", which discussed this point of how we within our mind tend to keep ourselves in cycles of emotional experiences by reacting emotionally to those experiences and why it is that we tend to react emotionally to our own emotions. I find that whenever I listen to an interview, it tends to be quite coincidentally 'spot on' in terms of giving me perspective and support within a specific point that I am working with or looking at within myself, which then assists me to more easily move through that point.

The following are the specific Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective statements that I applied and which assisted and supported me to step out of the emotional/energetic mind-state that I was experiencing myself within:

Self-Forgiveness Statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to stay the same as the idea that I had created of myself in my mind in relation to my memories of how I expressed and behaved myself before and during X was with me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this is a specific reaction of the mind to the fact that I did actually react within myself to X having left from my physical world and environment - wherein within my mind I went into a reaction of wanting to suppress that reality of myself, by stepping into a construct in my mind wherein I want to remain 'the same' as in my memories - deliberately to suppress and hide who I really am and how I am really experiencing myself within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my internal reactions to X not being in my physical environment anymore by going into my mind within and as an emotional reaction of fear to my own emotions - and therein not want to be honest with myself about how I am actually experiencing myself inside of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own internal emotional reactions and so from that reaction of fear try to suppress the emotional experiences within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use memories in my mind to suppress myself as who I am within and as this moment out of fear of my own emotional experiences - as a preprogrammed reaction of the mind to suppress my internal emotional reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the preprogrammed construct and program within and as the mind to exist within myself of a suppression of emotional experiences within myself through using memories of who I think and believe I 'used to be', within and as the thought and idea that I must remain that way and I cannot and must not react emotionally and change internally and externally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shield myself off from my internal emotional experiences by defining myself within and as a preprogrammed construct in my mind wherein I react to my own mind and therein sabotage myself because then I cannot see what is really going on within myself and so I am also not able to get to know myself or change myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to sabotage myself in my process of self-change and self-honesty by reacting to my internal reality with an emotional experience of fear and suppression and in that way make it impossible for myself to see who I am inside of myself and so be able to change and be and become the self-directive principle within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself as who I am here within and as this moment by creating the idea in my mind that I must be and remain how and who I was in my memories - by placing memories of myself in my mind as an 'example' of who I think and believe I must be - to then use that to suppress and hide the real actual experience of myself within and as this moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider comparing myself to my own memories and to my past as this idea that I have in my mind of 'who I was' - and therein not be honest with myself about who I am here within and as this moment

Self-Corrective Statements

If and when I see that I am stepping into the thought pattern of suppressing my current internal reality and experience by comparing myself to memories and by thinking that I must be as I was in those memories - then I stop and breathe - and I see, realize and understand that I am manipulating myself within and as my mind to not be honest with myself about who I am within and as this moment of breath

And I see, realize and understand that this is a mechanism of the mind to ensure that I will never change and that I will not be able to investigate myself within and as self-honesty by imprisoning myself within a mental construct of thoughts and belief systems about having to experience and behave myself in a specific way, based on memories

Wherein I see, realize and understand that I am sabotaging myself in my process of getting to know my mind - by assuming and expecting myself to stay the same - and defining myself within and as a specific experience and expression --- wherein I see, realize and understand that within my process I must walk through the various layers within and of my consciousness and that I will have to be completely honest with myself in every moment about what I am really actually experiencing within myself - without suppressing those experiences within myself

So I commit myself to be honest with myself about what is really going on within myself so that I can assist and support myself to be and become the self-directive principle within and as myself in relation to myself within and as the mind because I realize that what goes on in the mind is who I really am as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become throughout my life

And so I commit myself to walk the process of investigating who I am and correcting the patterns of the past that I have integrated and created and have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself - and to that way create and manifest myself as a self-aware and self-responsible living being wherein I can also assist and support other people to realize themselves as who they really are as self in oneness and equality with life within and as myself

2014: Why do I Always Feel Left Out? - Part 2

This is a continuation in my process of Changing an experience within myself of feeling Left Out when being in groups of people, of which I had laid out a basic 'blueprint' for how this particular experience exists within myself - in terms of what the specific thoughts, backchats and emotional reactions are that constitute the emotional experience within myself of 'feeling left out' while I am standing in or around a group of people. 

In the first instance where I noticed this experience come up within myself, which motivated me to walk this process of changing myself within and as it, I was in the presence of two women. I saw them talking about something amongst each other and I started feeling 'left out' of the conversation and of their little 'group' as how I defined in my mind what I saw with my eyes within and as them standing close together while talking. So, from an observer’s perspective – what was going on in my mind, I was projecting to what I was seeing through my physical eyes. It was interesting noticing this point: how – what I made myself believe I was seeing in my Mind, because of my thoughts and emotions towards seeing them – how I made myself believe that this was ‘how things really were in reality’. Like, they were really this ‘little group’ and I was ‘really not part of it’…not realising how I was creating all of this in my own Mind, especially with thoughts and emotions, then projecting it onto reality.  

Upon investigating the various components as thoughts, feelings and emotional reactions within how and why it was that I was reacting to this situation with 'feeling left out', what I could identify is that this specific experience of emotions as though I 'do not belong' and I am 'standing on the outside' and I am 'disconnected' in relation to what I was seeing as that 'group' of people, specifically women, is that this specific experience was something that I had in fact created myself within and through how I was accepting and allowing myself to move energetically within myself during my day-to-day living.

Within observing how my mind moves in relation to my environment and in relation to myself, I noticed  that I would participate a lot within an experience of desire to 'be accepted' by people and by 'groups' of people and to experience 'connection', 'togetherness' and 'unity' -- which was an experience of excitement every time I thought that 'people like me' and 'people accept me' or 'people want/desire me'. 

I found this to exist in the little things that I do, for instance each time a person asks me to do something for them and I say ‘sure thing’, I am saying it from the starting point of a positive feeling within myself, and in my mind I am subconsciously thinking that ‘if I do this for them, they will like me more’ -  and for that reason I will often also compromise myself within the specific task that they asked me to do, as I am doing it to try and make them happy and not from the starting point of simply doing what needs to be done within the parameters of what makes sense.

 Each time a person smiles at me, I respond with a positive feeling within myself because in my mind I interpret this smile as a sign that this person likes me – and when they are not smiling at me I start to wonder why not and go into an emotional reaction of fear and worry, which then leads to me trying to find ways to make them happy so they would smile at me again and I can feel positive again.

So, what I am doing by constantly accessing and experiencing these small ‘movements’ of energy, each time I go into my thoughts about whether or not a person likes me, is that I am conditioning this mind-set within my subconscious mind wherein I believe that ‘who I am’ is actually not ‘ok’ or ‘acceptable’ – because apparently I must constantly and continuously get the confirmation from the people around me that I am ‘ok’ and ‘acceptable’. So, it’s like every time that I access those kind of thoughts and emotional/feeling reactions, I am in a way making an internal statement that ‘I am not actually good enough as I am’.

And this daily ‘self-conditioning’ of a specific relationship towards myself in my mind wherein I don’t actually accept myself as who I am is what contributes to the moment wherein I go into an experience of ‘feeling left out’ when I am with a group of people, because that experience of being rejected is what I have created within myself by not accepting myself – where now I am basically using this physical situation of being with a group of people to make myself believe that somehow me feeling rejected has got something to do with them while its not like that at all --- what I am experiencing within myself is the relationship that I have created with myself.

In this Part 2 in my process of changing the emotional reaction of feeling left out in relation to being around other people, I am describing and  reporting on the practical application that I have walked after having applied the first step, which was the process of writing out the detail of what I could uncover and see when I investigated how it is that my mind works, in terms of thoughts, feelings and emotional reactions, when I find myself in the specific experience of 'feeling left out' (See Part 1). So then, in Step 2, I would be able to use the insights and realizations that I had accumulated in Step 1 within and as a practical real-time application of Self-Change.

So my Step 2 within this process is how and where I applied self-forgiveness  in Real-Time when I was faced with a physical situation that triggered and activated the specific thoughts, backchat and emotional experiences as I had identified in Step 1 - meaning that, just like the first time when I noticed this mind-construct playing out within myself, the physical situation that served as a trigger-point for the specific mental/emotional play-out in my mind was where I was in the presence of two women who were having a conversation together.

In that particular moment, I noticed that I was going into an emotional experience of feeling left out of the conversation and of the scene that I was seeing with my eyes, which was specifically an experience of fear, inferiority, sadness, self-pity and a form of slight depression, connected with subconscious internal backchat going "they don't see me as part of their conversation", "they are excluding me", "I am not being accepted", "they don't think that I am good enough to be part of their reality", which then transformed into "I am so alone" and "I am less than them".

I mean, in the moment itself, when I look back on it, the most prominent experience was one of sadness and inferiority - the other emotional experiences and the thoughts and backchat connected to those experiences is what I was only able to identify afterwards while looking back with a 'clear view' on what was really going through my mind in that moment. So, this is why it was important and useful to, before going over into practical real-time application, identify the components of the mind-construct that I am dealing with. For instance in this moment where I experienced the sadness and inferiority within myself in reaction to the physical situation that I was seeing, I could, because of the information that I had already accumulated through and within my self-investigative writing, apply self-forgiveness in relation to the subconscious thoughts, backchat and reactions that I was within the physical moment of activation not actually aware of and so I was able to specify my Self-Forgiveness application to target  the entirety of my mental/emotional state.

The Self-Forgiveness statements that I applied in that moment (spoken silently within myself) were specifically:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to seeing X and Y talking to each other with an emotional experience of feeling left out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that X and Y are excluding me from their conversation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to X and Y as a reaction to the thought that they are excluding me from their conversation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am 'less than' and 'low' in relation to and compared with X and Y and the fact that they are sitting there talking to each other and I am standing here alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have created this experience of being 'low' and 'inferior' in relation to what I am seeing with my eyes, because I have given my attention and my power away to what I am seeing by creating all sorts of ideas in my mind about X and Y and about the scene that I am seeing with my eyes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create ideas and perceptions about what I am seeing as X and Y having a conversation, by for instance thinking that 'I don't belong with them' and 'I am not a part of this scene' and 'X and Y think that I am not good enough for them' - and therein inferiorize myself within my own thoughts

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the experience of inferiority in relation to X and Y and the scene that I am seeing by blaming X and Y and blaming the situation for apparently 'excluding me' and 'not accepting me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exclude myself from this event and situation that I am seeing with my eyes by creating ideas and thoughts in my mind about X and Y and about the situation, and therein separate myself from X and Y and from the situation within myself  and thus create the experience of disconnection and exclusion from my world and reality that I am seeing with my eyes

And after having applied these spoken self-forgiveness statements, I spoke Self-Corrective Statements:

Till here and no further - I am Self-Responsibility and I take responsibility for my internal emotional reactions to the scene that I am seeing with my eyes because I see, realize and understand that I am in fact reacting to my own thoughts and ideas and perceptions that I have created within my mind about what I am seeing

So I commit myself to no longer accept or allow myself to give my power away to preprogrammed emotional experiences and reactions to my own interpretations, perceptions and ideas that I have formed in my mind of what I am seeing with my eyes

I commit myself to give myself attention within and as the realization that by reacting emotionally to thoughts about other people that I see with my eyes I am actually distracting myself from who I am within and as my own life and actions

Thus, I stand within and as the point of responsibility within and as my actions and movement within and as my physical world and existence

What I found within applying these tools of spoken self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements is that the reason why this kind of real-time physical application is most effective in manifesting real self-change, is because what I am doing within applying these tools in the moment where I see the actual mind-pattern and mind-construct activate, is that within and as me actually taking that breath and making that decision to stop for a moment, introspect and apply the self-directive action of speaking the words of self-forgiveness and self-correction -- I am standing up within myself in that one moment and I am making a statement of 'Who I am' in relation to this mind-pattern/mind-construct that is activating.

Because, what I realized about why it is that the mind can have power over me in such instances where preprogrammed  emotional reactions to thoughts are activated and triggered is that as long as I remain passive within myself in relation to seeing and observing these mind-programs playing out within myself, the programs will simply run its course without any 'interference' and I will for instance remain stuck in a specific emotional experience and/or multiple variating emotional reactions and experiences for a substantial amount of time. And, consequentially I may even be driven by these emotional experiences to do things and make decisions in my world and reality and my relationships with others that are not what is best for myself or my environment - because, by not standing up within myself in the first initial moment where I saw them come up within myself, I had essentially made the statement within myself that I believe that these thoughts and emotional reactions coming up with me are 'who I really am' and that thus the self-compromising decisions that I make and actions that I take as driven by the emotional reactions are also 'who I really am'.

Whereas, if I actively push myself to stop myself from actually following, going into and fuelling the mind-program that is activating in that moment by for instance physically speaking self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements in the moment - I am essentially moving myself in real-time to correct the relationship to this specific mind-pattern that I have created within myself over time and I therein thus actually manifest and create real-live change that I can see, observe and monitor within myself simply by the fact that I am no longer accepting and allowing myself to go into a timeloop of repeating the same internal reaction to an external trigger- and activation-point.

So, in terms of my experience within this specific application in relation to the emotional reaction and experience of 'feeling left out' - what I found is that, as I was applying the self-forgiveness and self-correction, I did see the emotional experience become less intense as I established a point of stability within myself through applying self-forgiveness and therein basically standing up within and as a point of self-responsibility. Though, what I also saw in that moment is that there was still a slight resonance of this specific mind-construct present within myself wherein I felt as though the points that I was addressing within my self-forgiveness statements were not specific enough to get to the actual core of how this emotional pattern of 'feeling left out' exists within and as my mind.

This thus implies that in the next Step, I will be investigating what this resonant experience consists of and exists as, so that I can more concisely understand who I am within and as it and thus am more able to take responsibility for its existence within myself and thus change myself within and as it -- because, what I realized within walking the process of self-change is that, the more I understand the Problem of for instance how my mind works and reacts to specific situations, the more I am able to find workable solutions in terms of how to actually practically and realistically change and correct the problems within and as Myself. 

2014 Changing A Fear-Reaction towards A Person in Real-Time - Part 4

This blog is a continuation in my Journey and Process of practically, physically changing a Fear-Reaction towards A Person in my environment. In this process I have already walked through three layers within and of the mind in relation to this experience of Fear that I had initially identified within myself towards an individual in my immediate physical environment. Those three steps that I have walked through in writing and applying the tools of self-honesty, self-investigative writing, self-forgiveness and self-correction - can be found Here.

Basically, what i have been doing within walking these 'steps' of Changing a Fear reaction, is that, each time that I investigated a layer in and of my mind that I identified as specific thoughts and emotional/feeling experiences in relation to an individual in my environment - I then in the next step firstly reassessed the previous step and my actual effectiveness in applying the Correction/Change of the specific mind-pattern that I had identified, because I want to make sure that the process of Self-Change that I am busy walking here is not just empty words that look nice 'on paper', but that there is actual Self-Change manifesting. After all, it is only through 'checking', cross-referencing, assessing and reassessing myself, that I ensure for and as myself that I am actually doing what it is that I set out to do.

After this reassessment, I looked again at my relationship with this specific individual in my world and reality and investigated if and where there still exist experiences within myself and what those experiences are --- which I would then write out and change/correct through applying the tools of self-investigation, self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-correction - and self-evaluation.

So, here within this fourth step, I will be looking at the overall effectiveness of and within the process that I have walked thus far - and specifically I will be identifying where and how it is that I have changed and where and how I have not changed -- from where then I will again have a starting point to continue walking this process.

In terms of why it is that this process is ongoing and not a 'clear-cut' one-step self-transformation - is because this one point that I had identified within myself, as this experience of fear in relation to a person in my physical environment, does not 'stand alone' within myself -- it is intertwined and interconnected with the rest of me, being my entire mind, conscious, subconscious and unconscious. So, as I started walking this process of changing seemingly only one point within my mind, in fact I was peeling off a layer within and of that one point, to see and discover more dimensions of how this point exists within myself that I had not considered when I initially started looking into it.

So, when I look at the process that i have walked so far, in writing and in physical correction and application - and I have a look at how and where it is that I have in fact changed myself within my experience and expression towards this specific individual and where it is that I have not changed - then I can see that:

Where I have Changed

On a physical level, the intense reaction of fear/anxiety energy in my chest area has dissipated. Before, there was a physical energy experience in my stomach area and my chest area that I experienced when I saw X, where I would go into a ‘cringing’ within myself – where now, the intense energy in my chest and stomach area has largely subsided, I no longer ‘cringe’ --- and what I still do experience is an energetic movement in the center of myself, in my solar plexus, more on a deeper level within myself.

Another point that changed is the relationship point of which I had written down the Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction statements in the second step – where I would feel inferior towards her because of seeing that she has a relationship and then measuring her ‘value’ in comparison to me according to the fact that she has a relationship and I do not. So now when I see her, alone or with her partner, I do not react to this point anymore as I see, realize and understand that the point of ‘having a relationship’ is not what defines her as an individual being – and that I had created the experience of inferiority towards her myself by having accepted and allowed a value-system to exist within myself based on my personal desire for a relationship wherein I judged her from the starting point of that personal value-system.

So what changed is the general feeling of inferiority towards her, and the backchat that flowed from that, where I would for instance go into thoughts of ‘it’s not fair that she has a relationship and I don’t’, and from that backchat I would go into a reaction of spitefulness and anger, and then guilt, and then fear again, etcetera. That cycle is gone within my experience towards her.

This would be the first step, where I did the practical real-time self forgiveness in a moment when I saw her and the experience of inferiority came up within myself, along with the hidden judgments about her ‘relationship status’ compared to mine – so, this is a cool cross reference point for me to see that this step was effective --- that now, those specific thoughts and experiences are no longer here and that in fact I have changed in my experience of ‘who I am’ in relation to her.

In the third step within this process, in my writing I had a look at specific memories that came up within my subconscious mind when I saw X, that were at the origin of an experience within myself wherein, every time I looked at X, within my mind, I would subconsciously categorize and judge her as a ‘cool’ girl and would, in comparison, feel inferior towards her by thinking that ‘I am not cool like her’. Where, the judgment of ‘coolness’ was based specifically on the point of her receiving attention from males. And so, these memories that I had investigated within my writing, of my school years where I faced similar thoughts and experiences within myself of inferiority towards specific girls in my class, were part of the underlying personality structure behind the experiences within myself that I had been able to pinpoint in the first step within this process.

And, after having walked through the self forgiveness and self-corrective process of this specific personality structure, connected with these memories  - the point that changed within how I would experience myself in relation to X was this point where I would look up to her and give her a specific ‘position’ within a ‘social hierarchy’ that I had created within my mind, for instance where I would judge and define her as a ‘cool girl’, in comparison with other people who I would classify within my mind as ‘not cool’ (entirely based on the point of ‘relationships’). This meant that now I was seeing her more as who she is as a being, no superior or inferior to me and I was thus more relaxed and comfortable in her presence as now I saw, realized and understood that I do not need her ‘friendship’/’companionship’ and I don’t need her to ‘notice’ or ‘accept’ me so that I could in some way think and believe that I am ‘more’/’superior’ – because, she is in fact a being that exists Here, just like me.

    Where I haven't Changed

The second step that I had walked was the written self forgiveness and self corrective statements in relation to a personality system that activated within myself each time that I am around her, consisting of thoughts of insecurity with regards to whether or not she likes me, within and as an energetic polarity of desire to be liked by her and fear that she doesn’t like me. And, within approaching her this time, I could see that the thoughts that would still trigger an emotional reaction of tension, anxiety and fear within myself, were those thoughts in relation to wanting her to like me, for instance ‘what am I going to say to her?’, ‘what if I say something weird and she will think that I am weird and then she will reject me within her thoughts’ – connected with imagination that pops up of projections in my mind of my fears where I imagine myself going up to her and not knowing what to say and I see within her face that she is feeling uncomfortable in relation to me and therein within her mind is deciding that she ‘doesn’t like me’.

So, basically, the point where I am not standing as authority towards within my mind – is the future projections --- because, from the moment that those future projections of my fears come up in my mind, I step into a form of panic reaction within myself, wherein I feel as though I have no ground to stand on, no stability in the moment that is Here and all that exist within me is that fear of the future - fear that my fear, as depicted within the future projection within my mind, may play out in the future, if I were to for instance step up to her in the moment with the intention of communicating/speaking with her.

Where, within this future projection within my mind exist the belief/idea about myself that ‘I will Fail if I try to communicate/speak to people’, where thus actually the ‘fear of X not liking me’ within and as a future projection in my mind, is in fact a ‘fear of failing’. Which would explain why I ‘did not get the point’ within the process that I had walked of written self forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective statements and why these specific experiences were still Here --- as there was a ‘hidden point’ behind what I was directly seeing within myself.

So - to summarize:

·         What did change?

• The physical reaction of a cringing in stomach and chest area

• The emotional reaction of fear upon seeing her

• The experience of desire to be her friend and to be accepted by her

• The experience of inferiority towards her and the comparison in my mind based on the point of ‘having a relationship’ that was connected to it

·         What didn’t change?

• The experience of anxiety, tension and fear that comes up in the moment where I want to go up to her and have a conversation with her - specifically triggered by thoughts in relation to a fear of Failing

What is the next step?

Now that I have this evaluation and assessment of my process of changing a fear reaction towards a person in real-time written down, in the next step I can take this information - specifically the points wherein I had noticed that I had not changed within my experience in relation to this specific individual and wherein I in other words did not yet establish myself as the directive principle of who i am in relation to my own thoughts and reactions that would come up within my mind when I am in their presence - and then I again look at how i can practically apply and manifest a Real-Time Change within and as myself so that I can in fact stand within myself as a point of authority in relation to who I choose to be within myself in my interactions with my world and reality.

To be Continued...