woensdag 2 juli 2008

2008 appearance self forgiveness

i have a big point: my appearance, i dont like it, in fact i hate it
i find my appearance really strange and unfeminine. i have this quite long hair on my upper lip and on my chin the hair i pulled out and i have little hard hairs and it irritates me when i touch it.
and i touch it all the time, and i try to pull it out all the time. reluctantly. i used to pull out the hair on my head when i was about 10 years old, i had a little bald spot at the front of my head then, now it s still more curly and frizzy hair on that spot.
i do it compulsively, because it really bothers me that it is there and i m also feeling the hair on my lip aswell almost the whole time, like checking it s still there. although that i kindof like because that hair is softer and not so 'abnormal' as the hair on my chin.
i feel very abnormal and ugly and weird and i always assume that people will simply reject me because of my appearance. i m especially afraid of 'facing ' humans of my age, peer group because they make up my ego for big part with the relationship forming. i think they ll not really want to have anything to do with me or wont really want to hug me or something because they ll be so disgusted by me. ...yes i bet that s just me.
i still really want to remove the hair, because i want to be accepted and liked and found normal and want other humans to like me and approve of me.
but i know that as me i neednt do that i need to accept myself unconditionally so i will be able to stand as me no matter what no matter where no matter with who.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel ashamed about talking about my bodily hair because i feel ashamed that i have that
i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel ashamed about having longer hair on my face where a woman is, according to society standards, not supposed to have hair
or not that long
i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel ashamed that i have longer hair on my upper lip
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to feel ashamed that i have longer hair on my chin
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to feel ashamed of referring to the hair as beard and moustache
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that everyone finds this a touchy subject and expects me to feel shame about it
i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel ashamed for the hair on my legs because it is quite long and black
i forgivemyself for allowing myself to feel ashamed about my bodily hair because it is very intimate
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to feel ashamed about talking openly about personal matters
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to not want others to see i feel embarassed about my appearance
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to believe that other humans when seeing me, notice the hair and immediately find me weird and abnormal
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to judge myself as weird and abnormal and desgusting because of the hair on my upper lip and chin
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to want to look normal, like an average girl seen in magazines or on tv: normal
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to judge other girls as more normal than me because they dont have that facial hair like i do
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that other girls are more acceptable and accepted than me because they dont have the facial hair that i do
i forgivemyself for allowing myself to want to look attracktive for men and believe that i am not attractive this way
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to fear above all that men will judge me as abnormal and ugly and disgusting
i forgivemyself for allowing myself to fear men and boys judging me as a freak because of my facial hair
i forgive myself fo rallowingmyself to want to be accepted by other humans therefore want to look acceptable
i forgiv emyself forallowingmyself to judge other girls as more acceptable than me because they look more average
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to judge humans based on the way their appearance compares to the norm
i forgive myself fo rallowingmyself to judge humans that look like most as normal and acceptable and humans that look different as abnormal and unacceptable
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to find humans disgusting based on the way they look
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge humans with something about their appearance that is unlike most people, as not acceptable
i forgive myself fo rallowingmyself to judge katia as abnormal and unacceptable because she wore glasses and mickey mouse clothes
i forgive myself fo r having allowed myself to judge lien as abnormal and disgusting because she had a perm because of her thin hair and she always changed her hair
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge lien as disgusting and ridiculous because she wanted to fix her appearance but it was, in my eyes, failed
i forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge lien as ridiculous and unacceptable because my friend told me that she had a rash on her vagina
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to laugh at her because my friends and other humans judged her as stupid and weird
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge karolien stroobants as ugly and ridiculous because of her facial expression and the fact that she had a bump on her back because her breasts were too heavy
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to laugh at her because others did that aswell
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to laugh at wannes and judge him as ridiculous because of the way that he walked and talked because everyone did
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge wannes as abnormal and weird and unacceptable
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to feel superior towards wannes because all the other humans did not accept him, therefore i didnt either

i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to feel superior towards katia and annelies and sarah and christophe because they were not accepted by all the other class mates so i didnt either
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to feel superior towards karolien because she was not accepted by my friends so neither did i
i forgiv emyself for havingallowed myself to feel superior towards lien because she was not accepted by my friends so neither did i
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge lilly as ridiculous because of the way she laughed and the way she talked and walked and because she was so small
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge lilly as abnormal and unacceptable because the other class mates and my friends did
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to feel superior towards lilly because she was not accepted by the others so neither did i
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to fear being laughed at and found ridiculous by others like that , like the way i laughed at others
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that it is really bad for a woman to have long facial hair
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to want to be presentable for a man to find me attractive
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want women to accept and approve me because of the way i look, my picture presentation
i forgive myself for allowing myself to respect women that look like most women and women in magazines and on tv more than women that dont
i forgiv emyself fo r having allowed myself to want to look like the people in the magzaines and on tv because they get all of the attention
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want to get attention because of the way i looked and dressed
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want to look special
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to think i look very masculine
i forgiv emyeslf for allowing msyelf to believe it is very bad for a woman to look masculine
i forgiv emsyelf for allowing myself to judge cross dressers or transvestites as ridiculous and weird and abnormal
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to disapprove of transvestites and transsexuals
i forgive myself for allowing myself to not accept myself because i believe that other humans dont accept me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to not like myself becuase i believe that other humans dont like me because of the way i look
i forgive myself for allowing myselft to separate myself from other humans because we look differently and our looks have different reactions
i forgive myself for allowing myself to react with positive thoughts feelings and emotions to a person who i judge as pretty
i forgiv emyself for allowing msyelf to react with negative thoughts feelings and emotions to a person who i judge as ugly
i forgive myself for allowing myselfto believe i need to be accepted by others
i forgivmyself for allowingmyself tobelieve i need to fix something about myself that others may find abnormal or unacceptable
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe i am dependent and defined by my appearance
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to separate myself from my human physical body by judging it and comparing it and trying to 'fix' it to get it to look more like other humans' bodies
i forgive myself for allowingm yself to want my body to look like the bodies of humans i see in magazines and tv
i forgi vemyself for having allowe dmyself to let me be influenced by what the media told and showed me
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to react with exitement and arousal when seeing the bodies of the humans in the magazines and the tv
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to associate sex with the appearance of humans in the magazines and on tv
i forgiv emyself for allowign myself to separate sexuality from myself by projecting it onto a certain body type and believe i can only experience sexuality if i have sex with that body

till here and no further:
i am sexuality as life within myself
i am not influencable by pictures
i am one and equal to my body but also to the bodies of other human beings
i am not determined by my picture presentation or by the reactions of other beings towards it
i realise that the only one reacting and judging is me
i forgive myself for allowingm syelf to fear my own judgement projected onto others
i am not judgement
i am not defineable so i am not my picture
i am beyond pictures
others arent pictures
i am here as all as one as equal
i am breath

2 opmerkingen:

Leila zei

I used to have little hairs on my belly and now also a bit and I obsessivly pulled them out. I was very ashamed and now actually still.
Because of the pulling out I got some scars on my belly and uhm I dont know how to say in english so I say in dutch : dus, ik heb littekens en pigmentverkleuringen. That gave me big complex and still working on it. Quite a task to just stay away from it and stop pulling out. So thanks for the post, here starts my 21 days no hair pulling lol

marlenlife zei

LOL Kim I had the exact same thing with pulling my hair off that spot in the forehead you mentioned. Really, and I would simply cut it and then my forehead had this strange bald spot making my forehead look bigger,, not to mention how bullied I got by my mother and sisters about it. I compulsively touched my hair as well. The facial and body hair is extensive and natural don't know where the system got freaked out by body hair yep, maybe the invention of wax and razors.. well hair, big deal for me as well. YEs.. also a complex as Leila said. Cool thanks for sharing this