2008 jealousy self forgiveness

jealousy and wanting to be able to do things that others do or even be who others are, as defined by me as behaviour and what i see of others.
i have a lot of jealousy, because i believe i need others. so i try to live up to expectations i have of me in their eyes as separated from me as who i ve allowed myself to become.

i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to feel jealous when seeing something someone does or says that gets positive feedback from others

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want positive feedback from others

i forgiv emyself for allowign msyelf to want to wow others
i forgive myself for allowing msyelf to believe i need other humans to accept me and therefore i need to prove myself worthy
i forgvie myself fo rallowing myself to think i have to be as 'self realised' as matti or marlen before i go to the farm because otherwise i will not be assisted by my visit, since i m still too locked in the mind

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself for allowing myself to doubt myself
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to believe that there is a certain way things are supposed to happen

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that certain things, like visiting the farm, will assist me more than other things

i forgive myself fo rallowing msyelf to believe i need the visit to give me vital info conserning process otherwise i ll miss out

i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear i ll miss out on points in this process

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear taking full self responsability because i might not be doing it right

i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to believe that i need bernard and desteni to make it in this process because i think bernard said something like that once

i forgive msyelf for allowing msyelf to think i have to go out of my way to get things happening for me because apparantly i need it for my process

i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to not realise that what must happen will happen
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to believe that something can go wrong or can be a mistake

i forgive myself for allowing myself to create a set path of experiences for me in this process and believe that that is the way things are supposed to go

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe i can foresee and predict what will most likely happen in the future, even in the next moment

i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to reject certain experiences by believing that it is not supposed to happen to me in this process

i forgiv emyself fo r not allowing msyelf to realise that i create every single experience in this world as me to assist me in this process as me

i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to depend on bernard and others to tell me what needs to be done

i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to believe that i m too swallowed up in the system that i cannot see for myself and i cannot trust merely myself but i need desteni to get me thru this process

i forgive myself for allowing myself to not step and walk this process as me here

i forgive myself for allowing myself to walk this process within and as images and fears in and of my mind as separated from me as who i ve allowed myself to become

i forgiv emyslef for allowing myself to feel jealousy towards humans that seem to know better what to do than me

i forgive myself for allowing msyelf to believe that there are beings that know better what to do than me

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to avoid taking self responsability by looking at others in my world and thinking they have it better than me or they are stronger than me

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that this process is taking me somewhere

i forgiv emyself fo ralloiwng myself to believe i dont have what it takes to get there

i forgive myself for allowing myself to see process as a race to wards something

i forgiv emyself for notallowing myself to just let go of all preconceived ideas and constructs in my mind to realise i am here, all of me, as all as one as equal

i forgive myself for notallowing msyelf to realise that that is what it is all about: letting go of all ideas and constructs right here as who i am

i forgive myself for not allowign msyelf to realise that breath is truly all it takes, all else is of the mind and is not who i am

i forgive myself for allowign msyelf to make something 'bigger' than breath of this process
i forgive myself forallowing myself to drag others into my process, only avoiding myself as alone

i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise all is in process, alone, individually , so i am here alone

i forgive myself for allowing myself to even consider the possibility of believing that i can be compared to another in this process
i forgive myself for allowing myself to even consider the possibility of believing that i can be compared to another in my self expression

i forgive myself for allowing myself to deny myself as all as one as equal to all expressions and all processes as me here

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to be 'with the self realised crowd'
i forgive myself for allowing myself to make a better-worse polarity game of this process

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to impress other humans in this process, only avoiding that i am alone and only trying to impress myself as separated from myself because i refuse to take self responsability

i forgive myself for allowing myself to create images in my mind of what it means to take self responsability and then believe that taking self responsability is hard and difficult

i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that self responsability is breath as who i am
i am breath, that is it

i forgive myself for allowing myself tonot want others to judge me the same as i judge them: as less than them if they see i m still self dishonest

i forgive myself for allowing myself to rather deny who i ve allowed myself to become so others may accept me than me accepting myself unconditionally within realising i am all as one as equal

i forgiv emyself for allowign myself to believe i can see self honesty or self dishonesty in others
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that all is a reflection projection of myself as who i ve allowed myself to become as separation as system

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to try and destract myself from breath by thinking and believing that the thoughts and feelings and emotions of my past is really who i am

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that others expect things of me

i forgive myself for allowing myself to make images of others in my mind, thus expecting these beings to be the way i imagine them to be

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that i am the only one changing

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to think that change matters, that definitions matter or are real for that matter

i forgiv emyself mfor allowing myself to hold onto the definitions because i believe i will be alone if i let go

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to create an image in my mind of what it means being alone and then fear it thru fear of losing myself as who i ve defined myself as system

i forgiv emyself for not allowing myself to be merely here as who i am, completely unconditionally

i forgive myself for allowing myself to suppress my self dishonest nature as who i ve allowed myself to become around others, like desteni people, because i want them to accept me

i forgive myself for allowing myself to hold onto the idea that i ve had my entire system life, that i need others to accept me, therefore i need to act like someone else, someone that others might like and accept


i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to create expectations of who i m supposed to be around others to show them i am worthy of them accepting me

i forgive myself for allowing myself to hold myself back in my self expression because i believe that there are things that others rather not see or hear

i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear being judged as 'wrong' and disruptive
i forgiv emyslef for allowing myself to fear being rejected for my self expression

i forgiv emyself for not allowing msyelf to realise that i am the only one who can reject me as i have allowed myself to reject others as me within separation of me as who i ve allowed myself to become

i forgive myself for allowing myself to make an image of how things will be on the farm or how things are now with matti on the farm and believe this image to be true
i forgiv emyself for not allowign myself to realise that it is all here, whether i am there with bernard and them or here alone, i am always alone

i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to see my trip to the farm as help and helpfull

i forgiv emyself for allowign myself to turn to others to tell and show me how things are done in this process

i forgiv emyself for allowing msyelf to believe things are done in process
i breathe , i am breath
i am here

i forgiv emyself for not allowign myself to realise that process has no purpose, it is not going anywhere, i face all of me here

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that who i have allowed myself to be in the past is even slightly better than who i really am as breath

i forgiv emyself for not allowing myself to realise that i cant possibly know who i really am as breath as i ve never been myself , truly myself

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear facing others as me as judgement that i ve allowed myselft o place on them as me within separation of me as who i ve allowed myself to become

i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to not live up to the expectations of others and disappointing others in me

i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to believe i am a disappointment if i do not live up to expectations of others

i forgive myself for allowing myself to try to be and force myself into being someone i am not just to try and evoque the feeling in me that i am accepted for my expression

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to want to think that others think i am a good person


i forgive myself for allowing myself to support my system aswell as others systems in trying and wanting to live up to others expectations

i forgiv emyself for allowign myself to think that i am too weak to be alone around others in my self expression

i forgive myself for not allowing msyelf to realise that i s system talk, the system is weak, i as life am unconditionally myself, here as strength as sertainty as life within myself

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to look at who others are and believe that i have to be able to do what they do or say what they say in order to be 'good ' in process

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to give my power and self responsability away to others by expecting them to validate me in my process

i forgiv emyslef for allowign myself to believe that process is behaviour or how something seems

i forgiv emyself for not allowign msyeflf to realise that it is impossible for another to validate me in and as who i truly am, only i can do that

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to separate my self certainty and self security from myself by believing that others are more self certain and self secure than i am
i forgiv emyself for not allowing myself to decide for me as myself what is necessairy to be done but to look at what others do and then believe that i must be able to do that too to be a good person

i forgiv emyself for allowing msyelf to believe that i do not know what is necessairy to be done

i forgiv emyslef for allowing myself to fear walking in and as absolute self trust by constantly comparing myself to others in the desire of being better than them

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that self certainty can be seen in behaviour etc

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to behave in a self certain way to make others believe that i am that

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to place more trust in how i might seem than in who i am as self trust

i forgiv emyself for allowin gmsyelf to feel tension when i know i will meet desteni people by thinking i have to make a good impression

i forgiv emyself for allwoing msyefl to believe i am meeting pictures and images

i forgiv emyself for nota llowign myself to realise that i am meeting myself unconditionally
there is nothing to fear or to prepare
i am here as all as one as equal

i forgiv emyslef fo rlalowin gmyself to believe that they all have images of me in their minds and i must live up to those images

i forgiv emyself for allowing msyefl to fear letting people down

i forgive myself for allowing myself to hold onto the images with thoughts feelings and emotions of the desteni people in my mind by believing that this is who these people are

i forgiv emyself for not allowing myself to realise i only do that because istill see myself as a picture

i forgiv emyself for allowing msyelf mtom believe that i need these people for something therefore i must leave a good and pleasant impression of myself

i forgiv meyself fo rlalowin gmsyelf to make expectations of how things are supposed to go and then fear failing in living up to that expectation
i forgiv emyslef for allowing msyelf tmo project myself into the future and believ e that that projection is true and what is going to happen

i forgi vemyself for allowing msyelf to think it matters what will or wont happen
i forgive myself for allowing msyefl to judge these humans as more important than others because they are in process like me

i forgi vmeyslef for lalowing msyelf to judge us all as 'in process' therefore need validation from them to also see me as 'in process'

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that these humans are better than me and i must respect their judgement and what they do or say

i forgi ve myself fo rallowing myself to think there are things that are expected of me to do when in a group

i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear being rejected or feeling rejected by a group

i forgi vmeyslef fo r allowing mysel fot fear fear

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that if someone feels better than me, i must feel worse or less than them

i forgi vmeylsef fo rallowin gmyself to believe that if i feel better than a being, that that being is then worse or less than me

i forgi vemylsef for lalowi gnmyself to think that i dont know these people
i forgiv myself for allowing myself to believe it is scary meeting people that i dont or barely know

i forgi veymslef for allowing myself to separate them from me by not realising that i am here as all as one as equal and by anticipating fear when meeting them

i forgiv emyslef for allowing msyefl to hold onto 'social rules' when around beings

i forgiv meyself for not allowing myself to realise that i am ruling myself by thinking i have to hold onto rules when with another

i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to believe that it is possible for another to approve or disapprove of my self expression
i forgiv emyslef for not allowing myself to realise that i only fear disapproval because i m trying to be someone i m not, which needs approval
i forgiv emyslef fo rallowin gmsyelf to hold me back in self expression because i judge free self expression often as intrusive and ridiculous and failed
i forgiv emyself for allowing msyelf to believe that this judgement over my self expression is bigger than me, bigger than life itself


tillhere and no furthur:
i as life do not need approval
i dont need to be self dishonest to be accepted
self acceptance is not a feeling
it is who i am
as all as one as equal
i am self expression as all as one as equal
alone
there exist no one else in self expression
i do not need to please another
i do not need to please myself
i am pleasure as life within myself
as breath
no pictures
no mind
no thoughts no feelings no emotions no judgements no separations no better no worse