2008 - Self forgiveness on Sex

sex construct
getting the bastard out!!!

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want and desire sex with boys and men

i forgive myself for allowing myself to try to obtain sex by flaunting my behaviour and body so men will notice me and will be interested in having sex with me
i forgive myself for allowing myself by presenting interesting and cute and funny and nice behaviour so men will notice me as a good woman, an interesting woman and will be interested in having sex with me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to see everything i do thru the eyes of men in my world vb gabriel paul anton jasper florian simon etc
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that i am in fact very weak and i need men to protect me and notice me
i forgive myself for allowing mysefl todesire attention from men
i forgiv emyself for allowing msyelf to desire approval as attention from men
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that when a man notice me and looks at me, i am getting their approval
i forgive myself for allowing myself to associate sex with a man looking at me
i forgive myself fo rallowin gmyself to try to look sexy
i forgive myself for allowing myself to try to come accross as humourous to get the positive attention from men
i forgive myself for allowin gmyself to want men to talk to me and show me that they are interested in me
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to try to impress men, get them to think i am a special being
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to want men to notice me and what i do and desire me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to expect from men that they want sex from me
i forgiv eyself fo rallowing myself to separate gabriel from me by desiring his attention as approval
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want gabriels attention above all else
i forgiv eyself for allowing myself to project my security strengt and self certainty on gabriel and then desiring him to have sex with me so he can give it back to me
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that i exist in the eyes of gabriel
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to believe that gabriel exist in my eyes and mind
i forgi vemyself for allown gmyself to react with exitement when gabriel looks me in the eyes
i forgiv emysefl fo rallowing msyelf to believe that it means something when gabriel looks me into my eyes
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to feel exited when gabriel agrees with something i say or do
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing msyefl to feel exited when gabriel laughs with something i say or do
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to want to impress gabriel
i forgiv meyself for allowing myself to think gabriel is impressed and interested in me when he looks or smiles at me
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to want to seem as if i am very self secure and know what i am doing
i forgiv emyself for allowing msyefl to think gabriel knows more what he is doing than i do
i forgive mysefl for allowing myself to see everything i do thru his approving eyes
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to separate myself from gabriel by fearing his 'negative' judgement
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to fear gabriel seeing that i am pathetic for doing everything to get attention
i forgiv emysefl for allowing myself to not realise that i am the only one finding me pathetic
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to find me pathetic for allowing myself to be so controlled by the sex system
i forgive myself for allowing myself to restrict me as self expression by judging things i do as pathetic because all i see in it is 'looking for attention'
i forgive myself for allowing myself to judge someone who is looking for attention as pathetic
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that i only see myself in all and everyone around me, even gabriel
i forgiv emyself for allowin gmyself to define myself according to 'wanting to impress men'
i forgive myself fo rallowin gmyself to separate myself as strengt security and directness from myself by projecting it onto men
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear showing myself as strengt security and directness in front of men like gabriel because they probably wont appreciate that in a woman, they wont judge that as attractive
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to look back on my behaviour and feel good about it when i think it got the attention from gabriel or paul
or anton, jasper, florian simon etc
i forgiv emyself for allowng myself to truly believe that this is me and therefore feel ashamed about acting and reacting in this way
i forgive myself for allowing myself to make an image of gabriel and a definition of him based on the image i see of him in my world and the reactions i as my mind have towards that image
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear gabriel judging me as annoying and boring
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to judge my behaviour as annoying and boring because i m reacting in constant fear of doing something that might be judged as stupid and unattractive
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that they will eventually hate me for it, 'at first it was kinda sweet and funny, but now it s like 'alright already''
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to hate myself for my silent and still behaviour
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to want to behave according to what i think men expect from a decent woman
i forgive myself for allowing myself to let me be controlled in what i do and say and who i am by the fear of not being liked by men
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that i need gabriel
i forgive mysefl for allowin gmysefl to judge gabriel as more important than who i really am
i forgiv emysefl for allowing myself to judge attention from men as more important than who i really am here
breath
i forgive myself for allowing myself to be consumed by the fear of not being liked rather than embracing it
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that what i do isnt good enough unless it is seen and judged by men
i forgiv myself for allowing myself to think that who i am isnt good enough unless i am seen and judged by men
i forgive myself for allowing myself to create a definition of myself based on how i judge my own behaviour and then see it thru the eyes of men, gabriel, and then believe this definition to be who i really am
i forgiv emyself for allowisng myself to try to imagine what gabriel would think or how he would react reading this
i forgive myself for allowing myself to care about reactions and thoughts feelings and emotions from men over me





i forgiv emyself for allowin gmyself to separate gabriels thoughts feelings and emotions from me by fearing and desiring them
i forgiv emyself for not allowing myself to realise that all reactions are my own, all interpretations are my own
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to, when i saw gabriel get out of bed in his underwear as the first image i saw when i woke, react with exitement and thoughts of sex as the first thought and feeling i experienced when i woke, and then let that image and thought direct me and control me throughout the day
i forgiv emyself for not having allowed myself to clear myself from all reactions immediately, no matter how insignificant they may seem
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to react with exitement and thoughts of sex and touching in my mind when seeing gabriel in his underwear
i forgiv emysefl for having allowed myself to separate gabriel from myself by judging him according to his body
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to use gabriels body to fulfill a judgement that my mind needs to sustain itself
i forgiv emyself for having allowe dmyself to doubt posting this because others might find it too straightforward
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to fear being completely open and straightforward about myself toward others because they might experience it as offencive
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to do what men tell me to do
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to believe that what men do, like anton, is always the best thing to do

i forgiv emysel f for having allowed myself to think about and want gabriel to react with jealousy when he would read that last forgiveness where i said 'anton' instead of 'gabriel'
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to give my power away to possible and imagined reactions and judgements over what i do
and say by men
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to define gabriel as self assured strong powerful by associating that with his body
i forgi vemyself for having allowed myself to desparately want to get this sex program out so i can feel free

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear that i am doing sf from my mind and not really hitting the point
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to constantly project myself into the future based on fears from previous moments
shit
i forgiv emyself fo r allowing myself to judge myself and define myself according to stupid and dumb and boring and weak and therefore want men , with their image that i judge as smart and strong, to give me attention so i can react to that by feeling approved of
so i can at least feel strong and smart
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to believe that gabriel and other men are smarter than me
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear just doing what i do from myself as myself because it might be judged as stupid and dumb and annoying and boring
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to separate leila from myself by juding her as a pretty woman and associating the way she looks with strength and confidence
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to judge my own appearance as stupid and dumb and associate that with weakness and stupidity and believe therefore that i am less than leila and that she is stronger and better than me
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to feel jealousy towards leila and to want to be like her
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to talk to gabriel in a way that he might find fun and nice and that he would feel comfortable with out of fear of not being approved of and then always feeling stupid after i said something out of this fear
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to want approval from matti as positive attention and confirmation
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to separate leila from myself by reacting to her with fear that she does not like me
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to feel uneasy around her because i fear she does not approve of my presence
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that leila feels annoyed by my behaviour and judges it as stupid
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to judge leila as a confident and direct woman who could see right thru my pretending game
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to be friends with maite leila and ann to assure myself that i am a good woman
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to pretend to be just as self assured and direct as i see leila ann and maite
i forgive mysefl for allowing msyefl to judge me as less than them because i have allowed myself to be controlled by these fears and have pretended to not experience it but to be confident about myself and tried to be like them so i could be liked by them
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear ann leila and maite judging me as too outspoken and expressive
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to judge them as mean when they dont seem to notice me in their behaviour or when they dont talk to me
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to think they hate me for not talking and not noticing them seemingly sometimes
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to want to make small talk to make the fear go away so i could feel accepted and approved of
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to believe that i am separate from leila because of the difference in appearance
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear saying something to leila that she will judge as stupid or ignorant or annoying
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to constantly fear i have said something annoying or stupid and constantly want to ask 'that wasnt stupid, was it?', or ' do you feel bothered by what i said?', to assure me and comfort me and take away the fear by believing that she sees me as good and smart
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to want to do what the woman, ann leila jozien maite, around me do so i can fit in
i forgiv emyself for allowing msyefl to believe that i am a lousy person if i do not 'fit in' or conform to the behaviour of woman around me
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to always act as if i am very self confident and strong because i want other women around me to judge me that way, as i judge them
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to feel ashamed that women would see that i ajust and change my behaviour so men would notice me
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that if i dont look or seem like women around me, i am a bad person
i forgiv emyself for react to women with fear of not being accepted and approved and react to men with desire of being noticed
i forgive myself fo r allowing myself to want to seem weak towards men and want to seem strong toward women
i forgi ve myself for allowing myself to want women to take me into their 'group' , to like me and trust me and want to be my best friend
i forgi vemyself fo rallowing myself to believe that the woman around me, like leila maite and ann, are better than me
i forgiv emysle ffo rallowing mysefl to feel jealousy towards leila ann and maite and jozien for doing what they do and apparantly having what they have, like 'good looks'
i forgi vemyself fo rallowing myself for allowing myself to believe that my 'friends' like karolien kristien hannah julie en katrien look better than me and therefore are better than me
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to define myself according to a woman
i forgive myself for allowing myself to hold back in my self expression around women because they might judge it as weird and stupid and weak
i forgiv emysel ffo r allowing myself to judge women as weak when i see them acting different around a man, more 'feminine' and soft
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to judge women who i see acting more soft and 'feminine' around men, as stupid and ridiculous
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to want to seem strong and confident rather than be it as life as who i am as all as one as equal
i forgiv emysef for allowing myself to want to impress people with who i apparantly am therefore allowing myself to be an impression and an appearance and not life but an illusion
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to judge myself as less than leila maite and ann because they appearantly dont feel the sex construct quite like i do, they appear to feel quite at ease with who they are around men
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to interact with women so i can feel validated
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear not interacting with women because i fear being and feeling rejected
i forgi vemyself for alloiwng myself to not realise that i am the only one making me feel rejected by allowing myself to place my sel facceptance in the hands of others around me
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to separate myself from those around me by noticing them
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to separate myself from those arounf me by wanting to seem cool and stuff
i forgiv emyself for allowing mysefl to pretend to be cool and stuff
i forgiv emyself for allowin gmyself to fear others seeing that i am all pretends
i forgi vemyself fo rallowing myself to try to show others that i am in complete control just like i believe they are

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to trust the judgements and definitions i make of those around me

i forgi vmyself for allowing myself to try to reach a certain judgement with those around me by my behaviour
i forgive myself for allowisng myself to judge those around me as very open and gentle and funny and friendly people who are seemingly perfect
i forgiv emyself for arllowing myself to want to reflect that seeming perfection back to them thru my behaviour
i forgiv myself for allowing myself to feel ashamed of who and what i ve allowed myself to become because i believe that they see me completely , they see right thru the facade
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to say things to be liked or noticed, bu t not from myself
i forgi vmyself for allownig myself to fear throwing a tantrum around them because they might reject me
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to fear 'losing' my perceived control over my behaviour around those around me
because then i might lose them
and their approval over me

i forgiv emyself for allownig mysefl to fear 'failing', to fear being judged as 'oh my god, weird'
i forgive myself for allowing myself to try to avoid people talking about me negatively behind my back, like' wtf is up with kim lately'
i forgi vmeyslef fo r having allowe dmyself to believe that those around me see me as the perfect image i try to portray
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear conflict and confrontation and therefore try to hold on to the image and definition of perfection of me i hold in my mind as separate from myself as who and what i have allowed myself to become
i forgiv myself for having allowed myself to try and want people to think and believe, when they see my behaviour, that i am 'one of them', perfectly self realised
i forgiv emyslef for allowing myself to believe that this process will go smoothly and perfectly
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to define myself according to the construct of perfection
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to judge myself as better than the ones that others talk 'negatively'about, like 'wtf is up with...'
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to hope no one ever talks about me in that way
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to truly believe that i can be better than anyone based on what i say or do
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to want people to talk positively about me behind my back
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear people being 'fake' towards my face and then behind my back 'gossip' about me
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that i dont gossip about people
i forgi vmyself for having allowe dmyself to deny that i gossip about people because i judge gossiping as something negative and thus less than me
i forgiv myself for allowing myself to fear all of the 'negativity' in me coming out


i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to suppress every 'negative' aspect of me because i wanted to be found and judged as perfect
i forgi vemyself for having allowe dmyself to deny the absolute self dishonest nature of this entire existence by believing that people around me are perfect
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to deny my absolute self dishonest nature by believing that i am perfect
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to want to fit in by acting friendly and nice
by acting like a sweet person
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my absolute self dishonest nature
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear gabriel ann paul maite leila not liking me any more because of me suddenly going 'bad'





i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to judge 'talking about myself ' as bad because i used to judge for exsample katrien for it, like 'she s talking only about herself again'
i forgiv emyself for allwoing myself to want attention by talking about myself
i forgiv meyslef forallownig msyelf to want approval by talking about myself
and therefore fear others not liking me when i do it
i forgiv emyslef for allowing myself to fear coming across as mean by what i say
i forgiv meyself for allowing myselfto fear others thinking i say something only to hurt them
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear coming across as pretentious
i forgive myself for allowing myself to secretly find me better than the other based on the comparing i make between what we do and say
i forgiv emyslef for allowing myself to want others to believe that i am in fact very sweet and unjudgemental
i forgiv emyslef for allowing myself to believe that ann leila gabriel paul and maite are sweet and friendly and nice people


i forgive myself for allowing myself to act and react towards them, wanting and expecting them to see and judge my behaviour
i forgi vemyslef for allowing myself to believe that they are acting and reacting towards me and to take everything personal, like when gabriel looks at me or when leila says something to me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to judge everything i say as petronising towards others
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to say things only to be found funny and great and wonderful
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that others are the same way
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to feel ashamed of my behaviour because i believe that i see people react to me with thinking that i am patronising them
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that in fact i am better than them.
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to yet constantly want them to go 'way to go, kim', 'well done' and 'good job'
i forgiv emylse ffor allowing myself to believe that they expect the same from me , constantly wanting and needing complements





i forgiv emyself for allowing mysefl to want to talk about my experiences so i can achieve them accepting me or approving of me
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to fear them seeing i am not perfect
i forgiv eymyself for allowing myself to separate myself from them by expecting them to notice my behaviour and what i say and approve it
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to actually fear stepping down from my pedestal because i might realise that i was never better, that i was the one who was expecting things from them and looking down on them
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to imagine me telling and talking about my experience with whatever to others so they can go 'wauw'
i forgi vemysle ffo rallowing myself to believe that they actually hate me because they see that i only want their approval and compliments
i forgiv emyself forallowing myself to fear looking like an idiot
i forgiv emyslef for allowing myself to judge the others as idiots for their expressions
i forgive myself for allowing myself to separate them from myself by believing that i am the only one in this system

i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to not just do things for me as me but only for approval
i forgiv emyself fo rallowin gmyself to limit myself as self expression because i fear others being bothered with me
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear saying something stupid
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to speak to others instead of realising i m only speaking to myself
i forgiv emyself for allowin gmyself to feel exited and tense when speaking to others because what i say is only in function of wanting to be approved of


i forgi ve mysel ffo rallowing myself to imagine the reactions of others towards what i did or will do and want them to be 'positive'
i forgi vemylse ffo rallowin gmyself to judge people looking at me in my eyes as positive
i forgive myself for allowing myself to judge people smiling at me as positive
i forgi ve myself for allowing myself to see myself always in interaction with others















i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to fear leila maite gabriel ann paul etc reading my blog like they said because i might feel embarassed for having felt and reacted that way to gabriel
i forgiv emyself fo rallowng myself to feel embarassed about my self honesty because others might now see me as silly and ridiculous
i forgive myslef for allowing myself to believe that my self honesty depends on how others react towards it
i forgive myself for allowing msyelf to beleive that it need them
i forgi ve myself fo rallowing myself to believe that i need their approval
i forgi ve myself for not allowing myself to approve of myself unconditionally as i am here as i am breath
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to react with exitement and fear when leila said they will read my blog all together because i feel embarassed about my self honesty
i forgi ve myself fo rallowing myself to define myself as cool or smart or self honest or self realised and therefore fearing other humans not supporting that definition by possibly judging me as silly and stupid
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to even want approval about my brutal self honesty
i forgi vmeysle ffor allowing msyefl to just make a new definition of myself now as 'more self realised', 'more at ease', 'more self honest'

i forgive myself for not allowing msyelf to just go with the flow
i forgi vemyself for not allowing msyefl to realise myself as the flow
i forgiv emyself for not allowing myself to realise myself as one and equal to every reaction conceivable
i forgiv emyslef for not allowing msyelf to realise that i am self forgiveness so reactions cannot influence me
i forgi vemyself for allowing msyefl to trade in myself as breath for the feeling of exitement and fear
i forgi vmeysle fforallowing msyelf to even assume that there exist anything outsid of breath, that i can be anything other than breath

i forgiv emyslef for allowing myself to believe thati am a definition that depends on how others around me react to me
i forgive myself for allowin gmyself to want to do this as fast as possible so we can go for a walk like they said they were gonna do because i said i will need just ten more minutes
i forgi vemysle ffor allowin gmyself to fear pissing them off
i forgi vmeyself for allowing myself to instill fear in me by thinking i have to do something so others can be pleased
i forgiv emysel ffo rallwoing msyefl to bow to the desires and wanting s and likings of the humans around me just so i can get that approval and i can feel like i am ok
i forgiv emyself for allowin gmyself to strive for that 'perfect' image of me in other humans' minds
i forgiv emysle ffo rallowin gmyself to believe that i am that, whatever it is that is in their minds
i forgivemysle ffo rallowing myself to believe that things need to happen according to the way those humans around me want it to happen
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe i am nothing and no one without this group of people showing me that they approve of what i do by acting nice and friendly towards me: smiling and looking at me etc
i forgiv emysel ffor allowing myself to feel tense when thinking about what others want and me possibly not living up to that wanting
i forgiv meyslef for trying to avoid them getting pissed at me in secret the way i get pissed at others in secret
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that hate can influence me
i forgivemysle ffor r allowing msyelf to separate hate andanger and frustration from myself by fearing it
i forgivemysel ffor allwing myseflto separate fear from myself by fearing it

i forgiv emyself for allowing msyefl to fear confrontation with looks of people that might indicate that they are bothered by what i do or dont do
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to expect them to like me
i forgiv emyself for allowin gmyself to believe i can be liked
i forgiv emysel ffo rallowing myself to like or dislike people for what they do or dont do



























i forgi vemysel ffo rallowing myself to not realise that all of these humans are in my mind as a movie i scripted for myself thru my allowed participation in and as the mind consciousness system
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear them seeing me as disturbing and stupid
i forgiv meyself fo rallowing myself to feat them thinking shit about me
i forgi vmyself for having allowed myself to define myself according to the definition i have made in and as my mind and therefore now fear this definition turning against me










i forgiv meysel ffor allowing myself to fear feeling uncomfortable around them because i believe that they dont like me any more





i forgi vmeyel ffo rallowi gmysefl to fear the whole 'group' turning against me in subtle behaviour like 'dirty looks'





















i forgiv emyself fo rallowing mysefl to beleive that these people arent responsible for their own reactions
i forgiv emysel ffor allowing msyefl to believe i am not responsible for my own world, but rather expect others to keep liking and approving of me so i can feel good about myself
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that they need that too and therefore act in a sertain 'approving' way towards them
i foriv emyself for allowisng msyefl to see life as an exchange of approval between humans as separated from each other
i forgiv emyself for allowing mysefl to believe i can know where others are in their process
i forgi vmeysel ffo rallowing mysefl to want to adapt to them because i want them to understand what i do
i forgi vmyself for allowing myself to want others to understand me
i forgive myselffor allowing myself to want others to 'take care of me' by giving me attention
i forgiv emyself for allowin gmyself to do things 'for others'
i forgiv e myself fo rallowing myself to believe i cannot possibly like myself and so i need others to do that for me









i forgi vemysel ffor allowing myself to build up a 'social network' based on ideas and definitions of others to support my definition so i do not feel alone so i dont have to like myself
i forgiv emyself for allownig msyefl to fear being alone
i forgiv emyself for allowing mysefl to make an image of me being alone and fear that i will be feeling rejected and then feel fear here about some future possible projection
i forgi vemyself fo rallowin gmyself to cling to others because i fear being alone
i forgiv emyself fo rallwoing msyefl tot believe that being accepted by others is the only thing that matters in my life
i forgiv emyself for allowin gmyself to fear being judged as an egoist
i forgi vemyeslf for allowing msyefl to think i have to spend time with leila maite gabriel an and paul because i am here in their house and all i seem to do is type













i forgi vemyeslf fo rallowing msyelf to think there are unspoken rules i have to follow because they might expect things of me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to not realise myself as one and equal with not only my emotions and thoughts and feelings but also the possible emotions thoughts and feelings of others around me






i forgive myself fo rallowng mysefl to want peace of mind by thinking that the people around me like having me around and are ok with my presence
























i forgi vemysefl for allowing myself to find interaction with others more important than interaction with myself

i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear seeming stupid when i say something
i forgi vemysel ffo rallowisn myself to want to sound and seem smart with what i say
i forgi vemyself fo rallowin gmyself to think i dont know what i would do as myself
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to think i am around other humans now
i forgi vemysel ffor allowing msyelf to believe that being around others is different then being alone
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to react to humans with fear




i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to judge certain situations as uncomfortable and weird
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to prepare myself to possible confrontations in the future
i forgi vemysel ffor allowing myself to hate myself for not spending time with leila maite gabriel ann and paul and only sitting in front of the pc, writing and sometimes eating
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to fear them thinking that i am only using them and i dont really care about them
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to feel insecure about what i do because it might be judged by others as bothersome




i forgive myself for allowin gmyself to believe that if i were to suddenly act more 'lose' i would be failing, because i would be showing that how i behaved before, was not really me
i forgi vemyself fo rallowing myself to see myself as behaviour
i forgi vemyself fo r allowing myself to believe i have to act more lose to show everyone i have changed and i am cool
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to expect myself to fit in
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to expect myself to feel good about myself in the future
i forgi vemyself fo rallowing myself to expect others to show me they like me
i forgi veyself for allowing myself to project myself way into the future based on thoughts feelings and emotions and especially fears of the past






i forgi vemysel ffo rallowing myself to define myself according to all the things i have done and all the feelings i ve felt etc because i think others do that too
i forgiv emyself for allowing msyefl to deny who i truly am: here, only here, as breath
i forgi vemyself fo allowing msyefl to believe that i exist in the future
i forgi ve myself for allowing myself to fear others
i forgiv emyself for allowin gmyself to expect things of them and therefore fear their expression towards me possibly being not adding up to my expectancies










till here and no further:

i am one and equal to ann
i am one and equal to leila

















i am one and equal to gabriel

i am one and equal to maite
i am one and equal to paul
i am one and equal to my human physical body though not defined by it
i am one and equal to their human physical bodies though not defined by it
i am not part of a group i am alone








i cannot save myself
i will not save myself or even try to
i cannot not face certain emotions thoughts and feelings
all is revealed
all is here
i cannot be liked
i am
i cannot be noticed
i cannot be approved of
i do not approve of others
i am not definable
i am not meen
i am not egoist
i am not nice
i am not pleasant
i dont have to be pleasant
i dont have to conform
i dont have to be another
i dont have to hurry up to do something for another
i have no expectancies
others have no expectancies
i can only be disappointed in myself if i have expectancies
i do not hid e my thoughts or fight them
i do not fight the thoughts from others or try to protect myself from them
they are my own
irealise this








all is me here
as i am here as i am breath
no avoiding no fixing no approving or disapproving
no missing a single breath
no avoiding confrontation, all is confrontation
i realise this
i am here










i embrace the fear
though the fear is not who i am
an dothers are not who i thing they are
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to believe that things can be how i expect or want them to be
i forgi vemyself fo rallowin gmyself to believe i can predict the future
i realise that i am here, one and equal to the future
i am not my past i am here









i am not separation
within breath all are one as me