vrijdag 24 april 2015
2014 Facebook Unfriending and Changing Feeling Rejected in Real-Time
2014 Facebook Unfriending and Changing Feeling Rejected in Real-Time
How I Changed an Experience of Rejection in A Moment
Someone unfriended me on Facebook a while ago and only today did I come to realize this and it was interesting to see what kind of reactions came up within me. When I say 'someone', I am here referring to a person who was a big part of my life when I was little, someone who I actually haven't seen in a very long time and even though our lives grew apart and we have become 'different people', my reaction to finding out that she 'unfriended' me indicated that there was still a big part of me which defined itself according to the relationship that I had created in my memories with this individual.
I went into a form of a shock when I saw that the little box on her Facebook profile which used to say 'friend' now said 'add friend'. I mean it wasn't like a big emotional shock, but it was there, that reaction of 'oh my god I can't believe it'. The shock being the experience of rejection, loss and anger, because clearly somewhere in my subconscious mind the thought of this person still seeing my Facebook posts and in that way still kind of being a part of who I am and my life, was keeping certain memories of my childhood relationship with her 'alive'.
In that moment of seeing my reaction, I felt surprised because since the time we were friends and since we 'parted ways', I have come a long way of changing as an individual, have 'lost' certain friendships and relationships along the way and I believed that I had 'made peace' with my life as it is now, the people in it and the things that have happened. But this reaction of shock showed me that it is easy to create ideas and beliefs about yourself in your mind as long as your world stays relatively stable and 'the same', but then when things start to shift and change - that is when your reactions to situations and events will show you who you really are inside and what has been going on in the background (in the subconscious mind) all along.
I have experienced the same kind of 'shock' in the past when I perceived that someone was 'rejecting' me or that I was losing them or had lost a person in my life whom I had defined as 'my friend' or 'family' and how I used to deal with those kind of experiences is that I would just kind of let time 'heal the wound' and so basically allow the emotional experiences of shock, rejection, feeling left behind, sadness and inferiority to 'settle' over time. But this wasn't a very pleasant approach to handling and dealing with my emotions because it is kind of making the choice to 'live with' the emotions and to continue suffering until the suffering stops by itself.
This time however I had the tool of applying self-forgiveness to assist me in moving through and releasing the emotional experiences in one moment and stabilizing myself in relation to this situation. This self-forgiveness which I applied in that moment I will share at the bottom of this blog. By speaking the self-forgiveness and releasing the emotions, I could see deeper into my own mind and to where it actually was that my reactions were coming from.
I could see clearly that within my subconscious mind I have still in slight moments throughout my day, for instance each time I posted something on Facebook, been secretly thinking about how specific people whom I know to be my 'friends' on Facebook - people who used to be a part of my life when I was younger and who are still part of my memories - would react to my posts and what kind of opinion or idea they would form in their minds about me. And what I realized is that each time I allowed myself to access those type of secret thoughts in the back of my mind, I was busy keeping those 'relationships' which essentially only exist within my own mind 'alive'.
So in the 'who I am' in my mind, which would be my thoughts and the emotional/feeling experience of myself, I was still very much defining myself according to the relationships that I had created with specific individuals who used to be part of my life but actually haven't been in a very long time, simply by giving attention to these seemingly 'small' and 'innocent' ponderings about how they would see, perceive and judge me based on my Facebook posts that they might come across from time to time.
And, because I was still subconsciously keeping the 'relationship' with those people 'alive' by the simple act of consistently accessing thoughts, feelings and emotions connected to images, memories and pictures of them in my mind and forming my own 'idea' and 'image' of myself based on and according to my projections of what 'they' might be thinking of me - this is why I reacted emotionally with an experience of suddenly something being 'missing' or having 'lost' something in my life when I realized that one of those 'relationships' had 'cut ties' with me through unfriending me on Facebook.
What was fascinating is that just with me realizing or rather thinking that they will no longer see my Facebook posts and they will thus no longer be thinking about me or forming opinions and ideas about me, which was already in itself an assumption and idea that I had created in my mind without any 'evidence' that this was in fact what was happening, it felt as though I was losing a part of myself and I was becoming emotionally distraught. But I mean, the thought that this friend or 'former friend' was seeing my posts and was thinking all sorts of things about me wasn't actually real to begin with, it was a fabrication in my own mind that was based on my own want, need and desire to keep certain memories alive and keep my idea of 'who I am' according to the primary relationships that I have formed throughout my life 'alive'.
So basically all this time, even though I have consciously believed myself to have 'let go of the past' and 'moved on' as many things in my world and my life have changed, I have created new relationships and I am surrounded by different people in my life as it currently is , I had actually been hiding an unwillingness inside of myself to truly let go of the past and to give myself a chance to truly start again and create new relationships with people that are actually part of my life as in my daily participation with the world around me.
Only this time, a point that very clearly needs to be corrected if I want to start focusing on those 'new relationships' however, is my definition of what 'relationships' are, because it is simply not functional or healthy when my 'relationships' are with fictions of my own imagination based on memories of my 'former self' and a reluctance to let go of the past and of 'who I used to be'. Functional and healthy relationships should be based on actual reality such as for instance the people that I can see around me, people that I actually talk to and interact with on a real physical level. And this 'physical level' doesn't necessarily mean that I have to be able to touch them physically, it merely means that there cannot exist any pictures, images or projections in my mind constituting or defining those relationships. A relationship shouldn't be a memory or a thought, it should be an action, for instance the action of talking to someone or spending time with someone because that is what is real. Anything that exists in the mind that isn't based on fact, cannot be trusted because it simply isn't real.
So please don't misunderstand what I am saying here. I am not saying that Facebook relationships aren't real or valid. Communicating and talking to someone over Facebook is just as real and valid as communicating with someone while being physically together. What isn't real or valid however is for instance spending time thinking about those 'relationships' outside of those real moments of actual communication, because that is when real relationships become mind-relationships and you start disconnecting yourself from reality. When people become images and thoughts in your head because you are wondering about what they think of you or how they see and perceive you, then you are creating a mind-relationship and thus a false relationship.
The correction process of this dysfunctional and unhealthy definition of what relationships are and how I have always lived relationships would be the application of writing about it, the spoken and written self-forgiveness and the writing out of and looking at how to start stopping myself from creating 'mind-relationships' and rather invest myself in creating and nurturing 'reality/real relationships' - which is what this blog is a testament of. Then it is just a matter of 'walking the talk' which means that those moments wherein I am tempted to go into memory and wonder about what my childhood friends would think of me will come up again in my mind because that is just how I have over time conditioned my mind to 'operate', so then instead of accepting those thoughts as 'real' and as a part of who I am, I rather take a step back and ground myself in the physical reality of the moment and so align myself with reality.
The Following is an expansion on the Self-Forgiveness statements that I spoke in the moment when the emotional reaction came up and which assisted me to release the reaction plus added self-commitment statements wherein I script the 'new program' and definition of 'relationships' that I commit to live from here on out.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to seeing that X has unfriended me
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take X unfriending me personally by reacting emotionally to the thought that X has 'cut me out of her life' and 'rejected me'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as how I think and believe X perceives and defines me, as someone that she does not want to be friends with and so someone who is less than her and who she doesn't think is good enough to be her friend --- by experiencing inferiority within myself connected with a thought that I am less than X because that is what she thinks of me -- instead of taking responsibility for the fact that who and how I think X to be is a projection that I have created in my own mind and that thus how I think and believe she sees, perceives and judges me is in fact how I think about, see and perceive myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define X as a part of my life and a part of myself because of the friendship relationship that I have created with her in my childhood and how I had defined who I am within and as that relationship
And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need X in my life - if not physically, then mentally within and as the thought that she still reads my posts on Facebook, to be able to be 'myself' and 'complete' because she is part of my memories and because I have defined myself within and as and according to my memories
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and expect my world and the people in it and my relationships to stay the same or similar to how it was in my memories because of having defined myself within and as my memories and so believing that if my world changes, then I will not be able to exist within and as those memories anymore because I will also have to change and so won't be 'myself' anymore
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if my world were to change, and if I were to 'lose' specific people in my physical world and reality, that I would not be able to exist anymore - instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this belief and experience only shows the extent to which I have defined myself within and as the mind as relationships that exist within and upon memories
I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my memories are information and that if I believe that I need my memories to be 'myself' and that thus my world and reality must remain the same according to my memories, then that implies that I have accepted myself to be a system of information, instead of an actual life-force that exist within and as the moment of breath
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the image and idea that I have of X is information in my mind that is based on memories that I have stored - and that those memories in itself are also based on preprogrammed information that was already existent within my mind --- and that thus the image that I have of X in my mind, is entirely my own creation
And so I forgive myself that I have not taken responsibility for this image and idea and memory that I have stored in my mind of X, by having separated myself from my memories of X by creating a relationship with those memories, based on the belief and idea that I need X in my life and I need her to be my friend so that I can be 'myself' --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this belief of 'needing her' implies that I have suppressed a part of myself and that thus even with 'having her in my life', I would still feel like there is something missing within myself
I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the mind has a tendency to create a onedimensional perception of memories by defining certain memories as positive, wherein I will not actually see how I really experienced myself in those actual moments because I am looking at my own memories through the perception of the mind as feelings rather than seeing who I really am within and as those memories, and see, realize and understand that within those actual moments I didn't experience myself nearly as 'positive' as my mind likes to make it seem
So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to define my memories, by experiencing certain memories within and as a positive feeling experience of nostalgia as a belief and idea that 'everything was better in the past' - instead of standing one and equal with my memories and seeing that when I was in those actual moments in 'the past', I didn't experience myself as only 'positive' , in fact I mostly experienced myself as negative - which is what the mind suppresses when I look back on my memories to create the illusion that I have to hold on to my memories and that somehow my memories are 'good' and that I need my memories to be 'good' and to be a good/positive version of myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for positive experiences within my memories and to believe that I must hold on to my memories to experience myself positively - and that I have within that separated myself from my mind and from the memories that exist within my mind, by searching for something 'more' within myself, instead of standing one and equal with my real memories as the actual experience of myself in 'the past', which was not at all 'positive' but in fact mostly negative and emotionally charged
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the positive experience that I feel towards my memories doesn't have anything to do with the actual memories themselves, and that the past wasn't actually 'better' or 'positive' or 'good' - but that in fact, how I experienced myself when I was younger was mostly negative and emotional, and that I actually only started focusing more on generating and experiencing positive feelings as I grew older, which is why I am now seeing my memories in a 'positive' light and am now connecting positive experiences to my memories, so that I can experience myself positively and in fact suppress the actual negative experiences that were my actual real experiences in those moments
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my fear of losing those memories isn't actually a fear of losing the real moments that surpassed and that I experienced but it is a fear of losing the positive feeling energy that I have within my mind connected with those memories and wherein I have made the memories seem 'more' than what they actually are, and thus have made 'myself' seem 'more' than who I actually am
I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for myself as the creator of my memories by accepting and defining myself within and as the idea and belief that I need my memories to be myself, and by not seeing, realizing and understanding that what I actually want and 'need' is the positive feeling energy that I have connected with my so-called 'memories'
And so I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to investigate why and how it is that I want, need and desire this positive experience that I have defined my memories within and why and how it is that I have connected this positive energetic charge to the 'memories' stored in my mind -- and that I have thus never seen, realized and understood that this desire, need and want for a positive experience is in fact a consequence of the negatively charged experiences within myself that I don't want to deal with or face and my fear of those negatively charged internal experiences
So I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the negatively charged experiences that exist within myself and that were the actual real experiences that I went through within the real actual moments in the past, by trying to suppress and hide those real negative experiences under a positive experience connected with the idea and the belief that 'things were better in the past'
When and as I see myself 'reminiscing' or experiencing a feeling of 'nostalgia' in my mind wherein I access memories of a person, connected with a belief, idea and experience that in the past everything was better/nicer/positive, or I see myself going into an experience of missing the past and 'how things were' or regretting that I have lost certain people - then I stop and breathe - and I see, realize and understand that I am looking at 'apparent' memories in my mind through the eyes of the mind, wherein the memory that I am seeing as a picture as well as the feeling experience connected to it, is not the actual memory as how those moments in the past in fact unfolded and how I really experienced myself, but is a 'veil' that I have constructed and created to be able to suppress and hide those actual real experiences that I went through in those moments
And so, I see, realize and understand that those pictures in my mind that I call 'memories' are not in fact my real memories and thus are not in fact 'who I am' because they are fabrications of the mind as a system of energy which I have used to not have to take responsibility for myself and to not actually face all of the negatively charged experiences that I have experienced when I was younger
And so I see, realize and understand that the experience of fear of losing 'myself' if I were to lose specific people in my world and reality of which I have stored 'memories' in my mind, connected with positively charged feeling experiences, is not actually real because those 'memories' that I have in my mind of this person or these people is in fact a construct of the mind that I use to hide and suppress the reality of how I experienced myself in those moments -- which was never as onedimensional, limited and 'positive' as depicted in the images in my so-called 'memory'
So I commit myself to not hide or suppress who I really am within myself and the experiences that really exist within myself, and thus commit myself to not use the mind-construct of 'memories' in separation of myself and connected with onedimensional feeling experiences to suppress and hide that reality of myself which is in fact negatively charged
And so I commit myself to be honest with myself about what Is really going on within myself and so not simply trust that the onedimensional pictures and feelings of my 'memories' that come up in the mind are 'real' and are 'who I am' - but rather I commit myself to investigate what negatively charged experiences I am actually trying to hide and suppress behind these 'memory-depictions', so that I can get to realizing the reality of myself and of life as myself and stop existing within and as the lie that 'the past was better' or that life is somehow positive --- because I see, realize and understand that any positive feelings are always only based on pictures and images in the mind that I have in fact deliberately created as a veil so that I wouldn't see that how I have actually always really experienced myself throughout my life, was within and as negatively charged emotional experiences