2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority -- Part 3

 2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority Part 2

Changing a Experience of Inferiority in Real-Time

- See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/10/2014-belittled-mouse-and-roaring-lion.html#sthash.GmIYiEiI.dpuf

 2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority -- Part 3

Changing an Experience of Inferiority in Real-Time

 2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority Part 2

Changing a Experience of Inferiority in Real-Time

- See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/10/2014-belittled-mouse-and-roaring-lion.html#sthash.GmIYiEiI.dpuf

 2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority Part 2

Changing a Experience of Inferiority in Real-Time

- See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/10/2014-belittled-mouse-and-roaring-lion.html#sthash.GmIYiEiI.dpuf

In Part 1 and Part 2 I have began opening up a tendency that I experienced within my mind in terms of how I would react to specific situations or rather to how I perceived and interpreted those situations in my mind. When I perceived or interpreted that my partner was in some way upset, unhappy, angry or in an annoyed state, then my reaction to that would be one of going into fear, inferiority, insecurity and self-doubt as essentially the opposite of the reactions that I perceived within him. And thus within this reaction I interpreted and experienced him to be the 'dominant' person and myself the 'victim' or 'dominated' person within the relationship.

This reaction in itself would then end up sparking other emotional reactions like blame and anger within myself since I was busy projecting this dominant personality within him and so implicitly placing him responsible for the inferiority and fear that I was experiencing within myself.

Since opening it up within and through the application of the Desteni tools, I have been able to develop more of an understanding of what happens within myself when I go into this emotionally overwhelming experience in those specific situations and through this, I have been more able to breathe through most of the reactions when I see them entering my mind. However, because this specific system is so deeply ingrained within myself, it exists in multiple layers that I must still open up and investigate so that I can start moving through the deeper layers of this mind-construct and so I can stop myself from going into the overwhelmingness of it and so not end up losing myself in this construct.

What I have been investigating and looking at in the past few days is the joker character that I step into in my interaction with my partner, wherein I most of the time I am in this 'joking' mood and am trying to keep the conversations 'light' and 'fun' by making jokes of things and playfully ridiculing things or poking fun at things. I discovered that it is actually this specific character and me accessing it in relation to my partner, that is another layer of the mind which contributes to why I feel insecure, inferior and fearful within myself in towards him in moments.

I have always defined the joker character as a fun and good personality trait, which is why I use it to try and make and keep people in my relationships happy, within and as the motto that as long as people are laughing, then they are having fun and feeling good and thus they feel good about me, thus they love me. However it is exactly that starting point behind this 'joking around' behaviour and personality trait, of doing it because I want people to love me, which is creating the opposite experience within myself.

When I look at my general experience in relation to people, I would say that it is actually rather negative. Most of the time I feel insecure about myself, self-conscious, inferior and I often believe or feel like people don't actually like me all that much. And by having investigated this joker personality within myself, I have seen, realized and understood that I feel this way because my starting point within how I express myself in relation to the people around me, is one wherein I am actually already from the get go assuming that people won't like me for who I am and that I need to be, behave and express myself as this 'likeable' persona, within and as for instance making jokes and 'being funny', in order to generate positive feelings about me within people so that based on those positive feelings, they would 'like me'.

So it is fascinating how that works, that while I am busy exerting this energetically charged personality which exists entirely for the purpose of making people happy and making people laugh and like me, I am simultaneously actually creating the opposite experience within myself and I don't even notice. So I end up feeling as though, the harder I try to get people to like me within that positively charged 'likeable' personality of joking around, the more I end up feeling negative within myself and within that I essentially experience exactly that which I feared experiencing in the first place. And all the while I never noticed that it was within my very participating in the positive energy, that I was creating the negative experience and so creating the very thing that I was fearing.

I am starting to see the consequences of my participating in this personality system more acutely since I have become aware of it -- I can see the negative experience of fear, inferiority and insecurity coming up in the moment right after I made that joke or poked fun or tried to make something sound funny or light. Because, the problem isn't that I am making a joke, the problem is that I do it with an energy experience, that I am trying to create a specific experience within the other person from the starting point of believing and assuming within myself that they won't and don't like me for who I am.

It is fascinating to see how it is never about what I do as it is about my starting point behind and within what I do. The starting point determines what I will create. So, if my starting point is the belief that I am not being liked or loved, then no matter what I do to try and prevent or change that, I will end up feeling unloved and disliked. Whereas if I express myself without necessarily wanting to be 'more' or  be 'positive', 'funny', 'likeable', 'sociable' or 'fun', then I already stand within the realization and understanding that I am alright as who I am .

Obviously that point of seeing who I actually am, and so seeing beyond the personality constructs, does take a process of getting to know yourself and walking through conscious and subconscious layers of the mind. I believed for a very long time that this joker personality is who I really am, that it was my 'true expression', my natural real expression and that I was 'just being me' when I was busy making fun of things or trying to liven things up or lighten the mood with a joke. It is however only recently that I became aware of the energetic dynamic that is really playing out within and behind it.

And I could only see that because of the steps that I have already walked previously within investigating and changing the experience of inferiority within myself in relation to people - a process that I have specifically been walking in relation to my partner, as that is where the experience of inferiority came up more intensely and noticeably. A process wherein I have been slowly but surely peeling away the layers within and of my consciousness that constitute the emotional experience of feeling inferior and insecure within myself in relationships with the people in my world and reality.

This point thus, the existence of a personality system of wanting to make people laugh and feel good through making jokes is another layer that I have discovered within myself and for which I have now, through having applied the tool of writing in self-honesty, laid the foundation for change. And that change is what I can manifest through applying the tool of written self-forgiveness and self-correction and then living the actual physical change in real-time moments of not allowing myself to go into the joker personality and instead remain stable within myself rather than expressing myself from the starting point of energetic movements such as the desire to make people happy and get people to like me through exerting specific behaviour. And thus, by living that change in real-time moments, I will condition myself into living in a way that creates actual stability within my relationships with people, so that I can start giving myself the opportunity to find out and discover the true potential of relationships and myself within relationships with people.

The Following is the specific Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective statements that I have written down to assist and support myself within releasing the joker character and preparing the way for myself to start changing this character in real-time.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a personality system wherein I think and believe that I must be funny and fun-loving and enjoyable for other people so that other people would love and accept me, when I am in the presence of people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into that preprogrammed personality expression of wanting to be fun and funny and wanting to make the other person laugh whenever I am with X and to define myself entirely  within and as that tendency to 'want to make him laugh' --- and not seeing and realizing what I am actually busy creating and what I am actually doing within and as myself, which is going into a specific energetic experience motivated by a fear within myself of not being loved and accepted and therein creating the experience within and as myself that I am not loved or accepted

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a polarity within myself of fearing that X doesn't love me and desire for X to love me -- and that from that starting point within myself, I then start to desperately look for ways to make sure that X will love me, for instance by expressing myself within and as joking around, making jokes, being goofy and trying to be fun and make X laugh -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I am actually doing is separating myself from X by firstly defining myself within and as the reaction of fear of not being loved and desire to be loved and secondly then trying to play into and manipulate paul's feelings through exerting a specific personality behaviour, and that because of that separation that I am busy creating within myself from paul as myself I actually end up feeling inferior and even more insecure and fearful than I did before

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the energy experiences within myself of fear of not being loved and desire to be loved that activates within myself in relation to X - by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the personality expression of 'being fun-loving', 'making jokes',  'joking around', 'not taking anything seriously' and 'being playful' and so hiding what is really going on within myself as the actual starting point of that personality system as who I believe myself to be

And so I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself about what is really going on within myself and so not hide experiences of fear behind positively charged personality systems - within and as the realization, insight and understanding that I create who and what I am within and as myself, regardless of how I behave or how I appear to be within and as my 'personality expression' --- and that if I exist within myself within and as a fear of not being loved then the experience of not being loved is what I will end up creating, no matter how much I try to be 'likeable' and 'loveable' to other people --- if anything, the more I try, the more I am actually reinforcing and validating that point of fear that is at the starting point of it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to express who I really am as a being in relation to X by having accepted and allowed myself to express myself within and as a personality system based on experiences of fear and desire within my mind

And I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that, because I haven't been expressing myself within and as self-honesty, as who I really am as a being -- I have also not been able to see who X is as a being and I have been experiencing insecurities and fears because of that separation that I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself from myself as a being and from X as a being

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if and when I preoccupy myself with fears and desires in relation to X loving me, and the  experience of insecurity, fear and inferiority that is the consequences of that preoccupation, then I am not seeing X as who he is within and as physical reality and I am not perceptive, attentive or aware of what is going on within him --- because every expression that he makes, I immediately interpret within and as that polarity of fear and desire for him to love me that I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself, wherein I take everything that he does, says and expresses personally and so don't actually get to know him

And I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if and when I don't let go of the energetically charged personality within myself and preoccupation in my mind of wanting X to love me and see and consider who X is and what is going on with and within X, then I am in fact only fuelling the experiences of insecurity and fear within myself in relation to X because those experiences are defined within and as ideas, beliefs and perceptions in the mind, which are based on a lack of insight and understanding of what is really going on in physical reality

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to stand within and as the principle and realization that I create who and what I am within and as myself - and thus the realization that if I express myself and if I exist within and as the starting point of insecurity and fear within myself within and as the fear of not being loved, then I will create exactly what my starting point already is, which is fear and insecurity --- and I will this experience more fear and insecurity, the more I express myself from the starting point of fear and insecurity

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it is my responsibility to love myself and to create the starting point of self-love and self-acceptance and self-respect within and as myself - so that from that starting point I can create that which exist within and as myself in my external world and reality --- within and as the principle of who and what I am is what I will create

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that, by defining myself within and as the personality system of wanting to make people laugh by trying to be funny and fun  and enjoyable, I am abdicating my responsibility for how I actually feel within myself within and as the experience of fear of not being loved - and that I am therein indirectly blaming other people for not loving me and so for that fear that I am experiencing within myself --- instead of being self-honest and seeing, realizing and understanding that I am responsible for how I experience myself within myself and standing one and equal with the point of fear and desire in relation to 'being loved'  and so standing within and as the point of self-love

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility to create who I am within and as myself as what I want to see and experience in my world and reality - within and as the realization and understanding that who I am within and as myself is what I create - and so that I have never accepted and allowed myself to create myself as the living expression and statement of self-love, one and equal with the love that I want to see and experience within my external world and reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the emotional experiences of insecurity and fear, connected to the thoughts in my mind that X doesn't love me or that people don't love me - and that I have therein accepted and allowed myself to indirectly blame X and 'people' for how I am experiencing myself -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these experiences of fear and insecurity are consequences of the separation that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist from myself and others as myself by having accepted and allowed myself to express and define myself within and as the personality system of wanting to be fun, enjoyable and loveable for other people and by not having accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself about and take responsibility for how I really feel and who I really am within and as myself

And so I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the thoughts in my mind that 'X doesn't love me' or 'people don't love me', connected with experiences of insecurity and fear, actually show and indicate that I don't love myself and that I do not exist within and as self-love within and as myself and that I have not taken responsibility to create the love that I want to see and experience in my world and reality within and as myself first and foremost

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be aware of who I am within and as myself when I express myself within and as the personality system of joking around and wanting to be playful and funny and wanting to make X or other people laugh - and so not be aware of what it is that I am actually busy creating through the starting point from which I am expressing myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that personality systems always exist from the starting point of fear because within and as a personality system I am busy limiting all of who I am by defining myself within and as a specific set of expressions and descriptions as being the 'who' I want other people to think I am and see me as, such as 'fun', 'funny', 'lovely' and  'fun-loving' in an attempt to control specific factors in my external world and reality which I think and believe are causing the fear that I am experiencing within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider defining myself within and as a personality system as accepted and allowed self-limitation instead of being honest with myself about the fears that exist within myself and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for -- and see, realize and understand that if and when I accept and allow myself to express and define myself within and as a personality system, then I am in fact separating myself from the very thing that I am wanting to experience and have and that I am using the personality system for, because within and as a personality system I am wanting and needing other people to give me a specific experience, rather than me creating that experience within and as myself

So I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that, within and as the personality system of wanting to be loved by trying to make people laugh and trying to be funny and fun and loveable, I am in fact separating myself from the love that I am wanting, needing and searching for by projecting it outside of myself within and as the desire for other people to love me

I forgive myself that I have have accepted and allowed myself to define the personality system of joking around and being fun and funny and not taking things seriously as something 'positive' - instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the tendency to want to make jokes and make fun out of things and make things humorous, comes the starting point of fear of getting hurt and rejected if I wouldn't go into that personality expression and if I were to simply be and express who I am in the moment without trying to generate positive feelings and without trying to make people laugh and enjoy themselves

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I actually fear being 'serious', because taking things seriously means that I really invest myself within my expression and I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret that as being vulnerable to people's reaction to me and my expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take myself or others 'seriously' out of fear of being hurt and because I think and believe that if I make a joke out of everything and in that, pretend that I don't really care about anything, then I will not get hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the joker personality to protect myself from getting hurt - instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in fact I am the one hurting myself by not existing within and as self-love and believe that I have to be a specific personality so that other people would love me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need the joker personality to interact with people because I don't have self-respect or self-love --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that self-respect and self-love is something that I have to build over time, through remaining consistent within myself --- and that, each time I accept and allow myself to react with fear in relation to people and from the fear accept and allow myself to go into the joker personality, I confirm to myself and condition into myself that I have no self-love or self-respect and that the desire to be loved and fear of not being loved by people is who I am

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself wanting to express myself in a 'joking' and 'fun' or 'funny' way in relation to paul or other people - I stop and breathe - and I see, realize and understand that I am busy 'trying' to be someone or do something and within that trying I am not being simply myself and I am in fact making a statement that I am not good enough and that I believe that people don't actually like me for who I am and that therefore I must be something or someone else for people to like me

And I see, realize and understand that what I create is always one and equal with my starting point - and that if my starting point is the belief that people don't like me, then no matter what I do or how I express myself, I will always feel like people just don't like me

I see, realize and understand that when I am going into a positive and high energetically charged experience within myself when I express myself, for instance when I go into a joking character and I try to be 'fun' and 'funny', then I am in fact simultaneously creating and fuelling a negative point within myself that I have defined myself within and as - such as a fear that people don't like me and a belief that people don't like me -- and that thus, the more I accept and allow myself to go into that positive experience in relation to my expression wherein I am trying to hide and suppress the fear, the more I in fact end up feeling afraid and feeling like people don't like me

I commit myself to live the strength and courage to remain stable within myself when I am expressing myself around people and to not allow myself to try and get away from or suppress the fears that I experience within myself in relation to people not liking my natural expression - and to rather face the fears within myself and develop and establish self-love and self-acceptance within the realization that I will always only find in my external reality that which already exists within myself within and as my starting point

So I commit myself to live the love and acceptance that I have always longed and searched for within other people -- as a living statement of who I am --- by changing these personality traits of wanting to try and be funny and fun and enjoyable for other people to try and get people to like me, because I see, realize and understand that all that I am really doing is creating the experience within myself that people just don't like me by not seeing and realizing myself as the creator of myself and my existence

I commit myself to be and become the living word of stability wherein I do not accept or allow myself to be moved and influenced by the mind as feeling and emotional experiences, because I see, realize and understand that when I accept and allow myself to be moved by feeling and emotional experiences within and as personality systems such as wanting people to like me and trying to be fun and fun-loving and funny and essentially trying to be 'more' and 'better' than 'myself', that I am giving away my power and all of who I am and I accept and allow myself to then exist in constant insecurity, uncertainty and inferiority

And so I commit myself to express myself from the starting point of stability within and as myself as the realisation and understanding and living statement that I am 'good enough' and that I do not need to be 'more' or 'better' and I do not need other people to like me so that I can like myself

I am self-acceptance  and I accept myself unconditionally because that is what is best for myself as life and I see, realize and understand that unconditional self-acceptance is a real genuine expression of what life really is as softness and gentleness as in being soft and gentle on myself by not judging myself or not creating these ideas and beliefs in my mind that somehow I am 'not good enough'

Life as who I really am within and as myself is unconditional acceptance and gentleness

2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority

2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority

Changing Inferiority in Real-Time

This is the process I have walked of me becoming inferior (as a mouse) interpreting other people as roaring lions and how I have changed and am in the process of changing this idea / perception of myself as inferior / mousy in my relationship to other people who I interpreted to be roaring lions. This process I am walking more specifically in the context of my relationship with my partner, which is where I first started noticing the deep impact that this tendency to make myself inferior within myself in relation to others actually has on me within my internal experience and external expression.

The problem I have noticed within how I experience and express myself in my relationship with my partner, is that there is a specific emotional/mental and behavioral pattern that keeps emerging within myself and that, as the relationship progresses, gets more and more problematic.

This pattern is an activation of specific emotional experiences that come up within myself, wherein at some point in the relationship, like already after a few weeks or a month, I start to feel very afraid and scared in relation to my partner and specifically in relation to all sorts of thoughts that are popping up in my mind, for instance thoughts like 'he is going to leave me' or 'he is not interested in/attracted to me anymore' - which then activates images  in my imagination where I can already see him breaking up with me and I see myself going into a depressed and desperate state that I have connected with the idea and thought of 'losing him', to which I react with an emotion of panic and fear -- which then in turn sets of  a sort of 'downwards spiral' within myself because from the reaction and experience of Fear and Panic, I tumble further into an experience and state of depression.

And, what is most interesting about this downwards spiral wherein eventually I feel completely overwhelmed by all these thoughts and emotional experiences in relation to losing the relationship  - thoughts that eventually branch out in various directions, fuelling all sorts of ideas and definitions that I have created about ‘who I am’ and ‘who my partner is’ in my mind that then activate more emotional reactions – is that the starting point of it is just one thought that crept into my mind wherein I made an interpretation  of my partners’ behaviour/expression. I mean, I made an interpretation, where for instance, I see and notice that he is speaking less and interacting less than usual with me and, instead of making a thorough investigating into why there is a change in his expression, through for instance communicating and being open and observant, I immediately go over into making personal interpretations of what his expression and behaviour could ‘mean’ from the perspective of the meaning that I have already given to who I am within myself, which would be all my doubts and fears and insecurities.

For instance, I make the interpretation that he is not speaking to me and being reserved and less interactive ‘because he doesn’t feel attracted to me anymore’ – because, ‘he actually wants to be with someone else’ or ‘he thinks I am not pretty enough for him’ and ‘he feels disappointed  now that he is getting to know me better’, etcetera. I mean, there is no real evidence in my physical reality for why I should understand and interpret his behaviour in this way – so really, it is only because I have placed more value within my mind as personal ideas and belief systems than on physical reality, that I am allowing these thoughts, interpretations and emotional reactions to take me for a ride. And, because they are not actually built and based on a real point in physical reality – it’s like they can just keep on building on each other and thus drag me into an infinite spiral of internal reactions and experiences, without any ‘grounding’ point in physical reality. 

A ‘grounding’ point would be for instance an actual realization, insight and understanding of what is physically really going on in my reality – which is something that I, ironically enough, would only be able to see if and when I open myself up to the possibility that my internal world and reality of thoughts, feelings and emotions may not actually be reality. 

So, what I found about what this emotional state of depression that I go into, activated by that one point of interpretation of my partners behaviour, actually is – is that it is a mental/emotional experience of self-pity and sadness - which are specifically programs/constructs within the mind that the mind uses as a device to manipulate the environment through emotions and to therein be able to experience some form of control over what happens in that environment and in the behaviour of other people.

Per example, at school I used the external image of ‘depression’ to get attention from my peers, meaning that I would deliberately go and isolate myself from the group whenever I felt like I wasn’t getting enough attention because I found that someone would usually come over to me to ask me what is going on and thus I would get my desired attention --- by acting as if ‘something is going on with me’. I did the same at birthday parties to make sure that I was always the centre of attention.

And then when I entered the ‘relationships/sex-arena’ I actually started to completely internalize this ‘depressed state’/manipulation technique by going so completely in to that experience of ‘feeling low/sad’, often accompanied by the physical action of isolating myself, that I started to lose people in my life, specifically the males that I felt interested in and that I either wanted to be in a relationship with or was already in a relationship with. 

The point that I strange enough never understood, saw or realized, is that even though people may give me attention when I am ‘in a depression’, that doesn’t mean that they ‘like me’ or want to be around me – in fact, quite the opposite.  I mean obviously, who wants to be around someone who is constantly depressed and needs you to pity them?  Because I never placed myself in the shoes of the people around me, I didn’t consider that I myself don’t enjoy being in the presence of depressed, attention-needing and pity-seeking people – so, why is it that I am assuming that others will?

So, while in my mind I believe that going into this state of depression is a way to control and hold on to my relationships with people – in reality it is actually in reverse --- which I never saw, realized or understood because I never investigated my internal and external reality, I only ever trusted the onedimensional experiences in and of my mind as my thoughts, feelings and emotions without ever in any way relating them to physical reality.

Thus,  the problematic nature of me going into this mental/emotional pattern of fear and depression within my relationship is that:

1. Within this state of fear/depression, I victimize myself and I make myself inferior not only to my partner, or rather my own thoughts and ideas about 'who my partner is' that I have created in my mind, but therein I also make myself inferior to my own mind as the emotional experiences that come up within myself - which means that I will very easily become very emotional within myself, which then results in an 'irrationality' in my behaviour, expression and decision-making
2. I suppress my expression when I am in the presence of my partner because I am consumed by the constant thoughts of fear in relation to 'if I express myself in this or that way, then he will think this or that and react in this or that way - and then that can eventually lead up to him breaking up with me and me losing him', so then I believe that it is 'safer' for me to not express myself and rather sink into a state of depression, as that creates the illusion within my mind that I somehow have some form of control over him and the relationship
3. I am no longer Here, present and aware in my immediate physical reality and I find it difficult to focus on my work and on my physical responsibilities because all that I really want to do in that state of depression is crawl up in a ball somewhere and isolate myself from everything and everyone and basically 'wallow' in self-pity

Within these three dimensions of the consequences that I am creating in my relationship with myself and my partner by participating within the Reactive Mind-Pattern of Fear of Loss, which I have named the 'Holy Trinity of Self-Destruction', I can see clearly how I am essentially giving up on Myself and my entire Life and Living - only because of one emotional experience of Fear that is triggered in one moment by one specific Thought that I may lose my partner.

I mean, having now established the absolute problematic and just plain self-destructive reality of this Mind-Construct of Fear of Loss within a relationship - I am committing myself to walk a process of correcting this pattern through applying specific tools of self-investigation, self-forgiveness, self-commitment and practical real-time self-change -- so that I can transform the Holy Trinity of Self-Destruction into becoming a Holy Trinity of Self-Support and Self-Nurturing.