This blog is a continuation in my Journey and Process of practically, physically changing a Fear-Reaction towards A Person in my environment. In this process I have already walked through three layers within and of the mind in relation to this experience of Fear that I had initially identified within myself towards an individual in my immediate physical environment. Those three steps that I have walked through in writing and applying the tools of self-honesty, self-investigative writing, self-forgiveness and self-correction - can be found Here.Basically, what i have been doing within walking these 'steps' of Changing a Fear reaction, is that, each time that I investigated a layer in and of my mind that I identified as specific thoughts and emotional/feeling experiences in relation to an individual in my environment - I then in the next step firstly reassessed the previous step and my actual effectiveness in applying the Correction/Change of the specific mind-pattern that I had identified, because I want to make sure that the process of Self-Change that I am busy walking here is not just empty words that look nice 'on paper', but that there is actual Self-Change manifesting. After all, it is only through 'checking', cross-referencing, assessing and reassessing myself, that I ensure for and as myself that I am actually doing what it is that I set out to do.
After this reassessment, I looked again at my relationship with this specific individual in my world and reality and investigated if and where there still exist experiences within myself and what those experiences are --- which I would then write out and change/correct through applying the tools of self-investigation, self-honesty, self-forgiveness and self-correction - and self-evaluation.
So, here within this fourth step, I will be looking at the overall effectiveness of and within the process that I have walked thus far - and specifically I will be identifying where and how it is that I have changed and where and how I have not changed -- from where then I will again have a starting point to continue walking this process.
In terms of why it is that this process is ongoing and not a 'clear-cut' one-step self-transformation - is because this one point that I had identified within myself, as this experience of fear in relation to a person in my physical environment, does not 'stand alone' within myself -- it is intertwined and interconnected with the rest of me, being my entire mind, conscious, subconscious and unconscious. So, as I started walking this process of changing seemingly only one point within my mind, in fact I was peeling off a layer within and of that one point, to see and discover more dimensions of how this point exists within myself that I had not considered when I initially started looking into it.
So, when I look at the process that i have walked so far, in writing and in physical correction and application - and I have a look at how and where it is that I have in fact changed myself within my experience and expression towards this specific individual and where it is that I have not changed - then I can see that:
Where I have Changed
On a
physical level, the intense reaction of fear/anxiety energy in my chest area
has dissipated. Before, there was a physical energy experience in my stomach
area and my chest area that I experienced when I saw X, where I would go
into a ‘cringing’ within myself – where now, the intense energy in my chest and
stomach area has largely subsided, I no longer ‘cringe’ --- and what I still do
experience is an energetic movement in the center of myself, in my solar
plexus, more on a deeper level within myself.
Another
point that changed is the relationship point of which I had written down the Self-Forgiveness and Self-Correction statements in the second step – where I would feel inferior towards her
because of seeing that she has a relationship and then measuring her ‘value’ in
comparison to me according to the fact that she has a relationship and I do
not. So now when I see her, alone or with her partner, I do not react to this
point anymore as I see, realize and understand that the point of ‘having a
relationship’ is not what defines her as an individual being – and that I had created
the experience of inferiority towards her myself by having accepted and allowed
a value-system to exist within myself based on my personal desire for a
relationship wherein I judged her from the starting point of that personal
value-system.
So
what changed is the general feeling of inferiority towards her, and the
backchat that flowed from that, where I would for instance go into thoughts of
‘it’s not fair that she has a relationship and I don’t’, and from that backchat
I would go into a reaction of spitefulness and anger, and then guilt, and then
fear again, etcetera. That cycle is gone within my experience towards her.
This
would be the first step, where I did the practical real-time self forgiveness
in a moment when I saw her and the experience of inferiority came up within
myself, along with the hidden judgments about her ‘relationship status’
compared to mine – so, this is a cool cross reference point for me to see that
this step was effective --- that now, those specific thoughts and experiences
are no longer here and that in fact I have changed in my experience of ‘who I
am’ in relation to her.
In
the third step within this process, in my writing I had a look at specific
memories that came up within my subconscious mind when I saw X, that were at the
origin of an experience within myself wherein, every time I looked at X, within
my mind, I would subconsciously categorize and judge her as a ‘cool’ girl and
would, in comparison, feel inferior towards her by thinking that ‘I am not cool
like her’. Where, the judgment of ‘coolness’ was based specifically on the
point of her receiving attention from males. And so, these memories that I had
investigated within my writing, of my school years where I faced similar
thoughts and experiences within myself of inferiority towards specific girls in
my class, were part of the underlying personality structure behind the
experiences within myself that I had been able to pinpoint in the first step
within this process.
And,
after having walked through the self forgiveness and self-corrective process of
this specific personality structure, connected with these memories - the point that changed within how I would experience
myself in relation to X was this point where I would look up to her and give
her a specific ‘position’ within a ‘social hierarchy’ that I had created within
my mind, for instance where I would judge and define her as a ‘cool girl’, in
comparison with other people who I would classify within my mind as ‘not cool’
(entirely based on the point of ‘relationships’). This meant that now I was
seeing her more as who she is as a being, no superior or inferior to me and I
was thus more relaxed and comfortable in her presence as now I saw, realized
and understood that I do not need her ‘friendship’/’companionship’ and I don’t
need her to ‘notice’ or ‘accept’ me so that I could in some way think and
believe that I am ‘more’/’superior’ – because, she is in fact a being that
exists Here, just like me.
Where I haven't Changed
The second step that
I had walked was the written self forgiveness and self corrective statements in
relation to a personality system that activated within myself each time that I
am around her, consisting of thoughts of insecurity with regards to whether or
not she likes me, within and as an energetic polarity of desire to be liked by
her and fear that she doesn’t like me. And, within approaching her this time, I
could see that the thoughts that would still trigger an emotional reaction of
tension, anxiety and fear within myself, were those thoughts in relation to
wanting her to like me, for instance ‘what am I going to say to her?’, ‘what if
I say something weird and she will think that I am weird and then she will
reject me within her thoughts’ – connected with imagination that pops up of
projections in my mind of my fears where I imagine myself going up to her and
not knowing what to say and I see within her face that she is feeling uncomfortable
in relation to me and therein within her mind is deciding that she ‘doesn’t
like me’.
So, basically, the
point where I am not standing as authority towards within my mind – is the
future projections --- because, from the moment that those future projections
of my fears come up in my mind, I step into a form of panic reaction within
myself, wherein I feel as though I have no ground to stand on, no stability in
the moment that is Here and all that exist within me is that fear of the future
- fear that my fear, as depicted within the future projection within my mind,
may play out in the future, if I were to for instance step up to her in the
moment with the intention of communicating/speaking with her.
Where, within this
future projection within my mind exist the belief/idea about myself that ‘I
will Fail if I try to communicate/speak to people’, where thus actually the
‘fear of X not liking me’ within and as a future projection in my mind, is in
fact a ‘fear of failing’. Which would explain why I ‘did not get the point’
within the process that I had walked of written self forgiveness,
self-commitment and self-corrective statements and why these specific
experiences were still Here --- as there was a ‘hidden point’ behind what I was
directly seeing within myself.
So - to summarize:
·
What did
change?
- The physical reaction of a cringing in stomach and chest area
- The emotional reaction of fear upon seeing her
- The experience of desire to be her friend and to be accepted by her
- The experience of inferiority towards her and the comparison in my mind based on the point of ‘having a relationship’ that was connected to it
·
What
didn’t change?
- The experience of anxiety, tension and fear that comes up in the moment where I want to go up to her and have a conversation with her - specifically triggered by thoughts in relation to a fear of Failing
What is the next step?
Now that I have this evaluation and assessment of my process of changing a fear reaction towards a person in real-time written down, in the next step I can take this information - specifically the points wherein I had noticed that I had not changed within my experience in relation to this specific individual and wherein I in other words did not yet establish myself as the directive principle of who i am in relation to my own thoughts and reactions that would come up within my mind when I am in their presence - and then I again look at how i can practically apply and manifest a Real-Time Change within and as myself so that I can in fact stand within myself as a point of authority in relation to who I choose to be within myself in my interactions with my world and reality.
To be Continued...
