2014 From Jealousy to Self-Expression -- Part 2

From Jealousy to Self-Expression -- Part 2

 Changing the Emotional Reaction of Jealousy in Real-Time

How I Faced and Stopped the Jealousy Demon within Myself - See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/09/2014-from-jealousy-to-self-expression.html#sthash.IGTxqhLj.dpufHow i

How I Faced and Stopped the Jealousy Demon within Myself - See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/09/2014-from-jealousy-to-self-expression.html#sthash.IGTxqhLj.dpuf

In the previous blog "2014 From Jealousy to Self-Expression", I opened up and investigated the emotional experience and reaction of jealousy, as I came to the realization that jealousy is an experience that I do often entertain in my mind, but at the same time it is an experience that I had been hiding from myself, because of how I have judged Jealousy as being something 'bad' and 'negative' and because I never wanted to face such 'negative'/'bad' sides of myself. Obviously though, I did have to come to terms with the fact that as long as I am judging things that exist within myself, and based on that judgment, go and hide those things from myself - then essentially I will be living a lie and so I will be accepting a limited version of myself, because in order to change, expand and develop myself as a being, I have to face all of myself, not only the parts that I have defined as 'good' and 'positive'.

If anything, since having started this process of investigating and changing the emotional experience of jealousy, I have been very grateful to myself for having applied the self-honesty required to be able to see how my own mind works and so be able to pick up on and become aware of when it is that I step into the experience of jealousy and actually stop myself from getting carried away by it and so change myself in those real-time moments.

After  having written the first blog within this process of Changing the emotional experience of Jealousy, and so within that blog having established a platform for myself of first of all understanding how and why it is that I will sometimes react with jealousy when I see another woman - there was a real-time event that opened up in my reality where I had to 'prove' my understanding and awareness of how jealousy works and my commitment to change Jealousy within and as myself to myself in one moment. These real-time moments is where I essentially make the decision of 'who I will be' and 'who I am', because when and as the experience of for instance jealousy comes up within myself and I am becoming aware of it coming up within myself, I have two choices that I can make -- I can either let myself be 'swept away' by the experience, as per how I have conditioned myself each time the experience came up within me in the past, and so accept and allow myself to 'become jealous' - or I can apply my awareness of Jealousy being a mind-construct and in that moment apply the Tools to be able to release the mind-construct and so make the decision that I will not allow the mind to define who I am and how I will experience myself in that moment.

So, the moment went as follows. I was out with a few friends and sitting next to me in the car was X. X had just met up with her boyfriend and she was still busy sending messages to him on her phone. As I was looking at her being preoccupied by her phone and smiling and giggling at the conversation that she was having with him on the phone, I specifically noticed how her expression showed that she was enjoying herself and also earlier that evening when I was seeing her interacting with her him, she looked like she was enjoying spending time with him. So in that moment in the car, there was a thought that came up within myself of 'I don't have that', wherein I basically created the idea in my mind that I don't have or experience that enjoyment that I am seeing within her in my own life, to which I within myself reacted with an experience of feeling inferior and feeling like my life is 'worth less' than her life - and so essentially I was then feeling jealous of what I saw within her and what I believed she has and I don't, because I wanted what she apparently has.

Eventually I started feeling this experience of anger coming up within myself in relation to her - where, she was doing small movements, like, flashing the light on her phone around or not hearing someone when they asked her a question, and that triggered anger within myself - specifically in relation to a backchat in my mind that 'she is too preoccupied by her feelings in relation to her boyfriend and the conversation that she is having with him to notice or care about what is going on around her'. So here, I saw and realized that there is something going on inside of myself that needs direction - because here I am getting angry and upset over literally the smallest, insignificant things  and I am channelling my anger towards this other person - which implies that there is something inside of myself that I am actually being angry about - something that I am not directing inside of myself.

So then I started applying self forgiveness - first on the anger that I was experiencing towards X and then on the jealousy that I had been experiencing, which was in fact where the anger was actually coming from.

And as I furthered in my self-forgiveness I saw and realized that what I had actually been doing was that, when I was looking at her and how she was expressing herself in relation to her partner and her relationship, I had been deliberately creating the idea in my mind that her life is so much better than my life --- which, if I actually had a self honest look at my own life, is not the case at all. I mean I am in a stable relationship, I have a partner that I am satisfied with. But somehow I had been looking at her and how she was living and expressing herself as if there is something special about it and as if her life is this movie screen that is resonating light - and in comparison my own life looked rather bleak.

So what I realized was that, with being honest with myself, actually the reason why I had been doing that in my mind is that I was deliberately distracting my attention away from my own life because the reality is that I will much rather preoccupy myself with reacting emotionally to other people, with for instance feeling jealous about how I am seeing someone else live their life, than take responsibility for my own life and actually direct my own life and take my life into my own hands to give to myself what it is that I actually want in my own relationship for instance. I mean, the truth is that I don't really 'feel like' paying attention to myself and my life and putting in the effort to give myself the things that I need and want - so within my thoughts, feelings and emotional experiences,  I will create the illusion in my mind that other people's lives are much more interesting and just better and superior, so that I can then react with emotional experiences of for instance jealousy and inferiority and thus take my attention away from myself and my life and so give myself an excuse to not have to actually take responsibility for myself and for creating and developing and building the life that I want for myself.

So here what I realized when looking at this experience of jealousy, and specifically looking at what I am actually doing when accessing that experience of jealousy - is that I am deliberately creating a PERCEPTION in my mind that another's life is more/better/superior than my life, just so that I could emotionally react to that perception and so that, within and as that emotional reaction, I can in a way 'forget' about and look away from my own life, specifically by focusing my attention onto how another person is living their life.

And this because, what this reaction and experience of jealousy in relation to and towards another person's life is actually hiding, is a fear of failing in relation to my own life. I fear taking specific steps and I fear taking direction and making specific decisions and moving myself within my own life because I fear failing and failure and I fear the future- which is why I would then rather try to distract myself from looking at myself within and as own life, through using thoughts of judgments, ideas, perceptions and comparison and emotional reactions and experiences of jealousy - so that I could in a way abdicate my responsibility and avoid taking responsibility for my life and thus avoid facing my fears of failure and of the future.

So I was applying self-forgiveness until I no longer experienced the anger, resentment or jealousy towards this other person and until I was stable within myself -- which I established through realizing and facing this point of what I was actually doing within myself - which was deliberately shifting my attention away from myself and my own life onto thoughts and perceptions about someone else's life so that I could avoid, 'run away from' and suppress the fears that I experience within myself in relation to my life.

At this point I realized that it is simply unacceptable for me to not just be honest with myself and to so deliberately try to abdicate my responsibility for myself and my life. And, in the face of this truth of myself, it would be unacceptable for me to turn my back on reality to continue participating in the illusion of Jealousy - illusion, from the perspective that the emotional experience of jealousy turned out to have nothing to do with this other person's life being apparently 'better', 'more' or 'superior' than my life, as it was just me looking for an excuse to not have to deal with my own fears. And so this was the point, where I understood that further allowing myself to participate in jealousy would be unacceptable -from the perspective that I would damage my integrity and decency as a being - that I was able to stabilize myself and release the emotional energy of jealousy and the anger and resentment that I had been generating with it.

In the next blog in this series from Jealousy to Self-expression, I will be having a look at the point of 'self-enjoyment' as the expression in the event in my first blog and in this event that seems to be the activating point for my reaction of jealousy - which thus implies that that is the specific expression that I am not giving to myself and so is at the starting point of why I would react with jealousy when I am seeing other women expressing self-enjoyment.

The following is a slightly elaborated version of the self-forgiveness that I applied in that moment and that assisted me in releasing the emotional reaction of jealousy:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as this reaction of anger to and towards X without investigating or understanding where this anger is coming from and how I have generated this anger within myself

I forgive myself  that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am reacting to X with anger because I am actually feeling powerless and inferior and fearful within myself in relation to X and what I am seeing when I am observing her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at X's life and her expression and react with a thought in my mind that her life is so much more and so much better than my life

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then react to the thought that X's life and her expression is so much more and better than my life and expression with an emotional experience of inferiority, fear and powerlessness, because of now having defined myself in my mind as 'less than' X and so believing myself to be of inferior value, and therein then triggering a fear within myself of being less valuable than others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my life to be less valuable and inferior to X's life

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project that belief onto X when I am looking at her and observing her expression and then separate myself from that belief in my mind by reacting to my projection of that belief onto X with an emotional experience of fear of being less than others, and so within and as that experience of fear  create the experience that I am in fact inferior and less than X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a fear of being less than others to exist within myself

And I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I create what I accept and allow to exist within myself - and that thus if I define myself within and as a fear of being less than others, than I in fact create the experience that I am less than others within myself because that is what exists within and as myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I am feeling angry towards X because I am reacting to my own self-accepted belief that my life and expression is less valuable than hers

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that within being angry with X and observing her expression and her life within and as a reaction within myself - I am actually distracting myself from my own life and giving my value away to X's life and so therein creating the experience within myself that I am less than X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself and actually take my own life in my hands because it is just easier to distract myself with looking at how others lead their lives and preoccupy myself in my mind within emotional reactions - wherein I can then give away my responsibility and my power in relation to my own life and so not have to face my own fears in relation to the future and in relation to failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at X's life and react emotionally to what I am seeing so as to distract myself from my own fears - and create a point of blame, wherein I am blaming X for the emotional experience of inferiority within myself -- so that I wouldn't have to take responsibility for the fact that this experience of inferiority is in fact my fears in relation to the future and in relation to failing in my own life

So I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for my own life by victimizing myself in relation to my own internal fears - through looking at and observing person X's life and giving my power away to emotional reactions to thoughts and ideas and projections in my mind in relation to how person X's life compares to my life --- instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that I am actually experiencing resistance and fear in relation to my own fears that I have not yet dealt with, and that me looking at person X's life and creating ideas, perceptions and beliefs about who they are and how they live their life and then reacting emotionally to that, is in fact me deliberately distracting myself from my own fears and so me not taking responsibility for myself within and as my own life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately create the idea and perception in my mind that X's life is better than my life and that who she is and how she lives and expresses herself is better than who I am and how I express myself - so that I can have a point within my mind to give my power away to, by then reacting emotionally to those ideas in my mind, and so that I would not be faced with my life and my responsibility to manifest and direct my life in relation to what is best for myself and so create myself according to who it is that I want to be and what it is that I want to live

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself and see, realize and understand that I am actually afraid of creating my own life and taking my life in my own hands because I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a fear of failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a fear of failing within and as my mind

And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of failing to direct me in relation to my life and myself - by accepting and allowing my awareness and attention to be guided and directed away from in every moment seeing and directing my own life, towards looking at and observing how other people live their lives and express themselves -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that as long as I do not fact my fear of failing and as long as I do not walk through the fear and actually take my life into my own hands, within and as the realization that my life is in fact in my own hands --- then I am actually manifesting 'failure' within and as my life, as I am not actually in every moment directing myself towards making my life a success

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as an emotional reaction and experience within myself of anger towards and directed to X in relation to her expression - where, I believe that I am feeling angry because of how she is behaving, because 'she isn't paying attention to the people around her, as she is too busy fiddling with her phone' --- instead of being honest with myself and with what is really going on in my mind as to the real actual origin and starting point of this reaction of anger, and see, realize and understand that within this experience of anger, I am diminishing X within my mind, because within and as the emotional reaction of jealousy I was placing X on a pedestal and making her superior within my mind

So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider participating within this emotional experience of anger towards X instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the anger is a consequence of not having dealt with and released the emotional reaction and experience of jealousy, wherein I had accepted and allowed myself to give away my power to the thoughts in my mind that X is better than me and her life is better than mine - and where now with getting angry I am attempting to get that power back by diminishing X within and as thoughts and backchat in relation to her expression

So I forgive myself that I haven't been honest with myself in relation to how I gave my power within my mind by reacting emotionally to thoughts in my mind wherein I was placing X on a pedestal by believing that she and her life is better than me and my life - and that I have accepted and allowed myself to go and react with an experience of anger, and actually take it out and blame it on X, within and as the belief and thought in my mind  that I am reacting with anger because of who X is and how she is behaving - instead of being honest with myself and taking responsibility for this experience of anger within myself within and as the realization, insight and understanding that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the experience and backchat of anger, by giving my power away within and as the experience and backchat of jealousy

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see the experience of jealousy coming up within myself towards X or any other person that I am looking at and observing in my environment, connected with internal backchat that 'they are so much better than me in their expression and in the way that they live their life' - then I stop and I breathe - and I see, realize, understand and make myself aware of how I am, within my 'looking at' and 'observing' this person and their expression, I am in fact busy creating ideas and perceptions and interpretations in my own mind which means that I am deliberately creating a platform to react emotionally

I see, realize and understand that, within applying and participating within this 'looking at' and 'observing' this other person or other people and creating ideas, perceptions and beliefs in my mind about 'who they are', I am giving away my 'energy' and 'attention' and so I am creating the experience within myself that I am 'less' than this person that I am looking at and observing --- and so basically within that I am creating the emotional reaction of jealousy, wherein I 'want what they have' and I want to be what they are and live what I perceive and believe they are living, as I have created the perception and experience that their life and their expression is 'better', 'more' and 'superior' to mine

I see, realize and understand that thus I am experiencing the emotional experience of jealousy not because the people that I am watching, looking at and observing are really truly 'more' or 'better' or 'superior' to myself - but actually because I want to react emotionally to what I am seeing with my eyes, just so that I could divert my attention away from  the fears that I am dealing within within myself in relation to my own life and my reality

So, within this, I see, realize and understand that I am entirely responsible for having created the emotional experience within myself of jealousy - as I see, realize and understand that it is not about another person being or having 'more' than myself, it is in fact about me deliberately giving my power away through creating ideas and perceptions and beliefs about the people that I see with my eyes because I don't want to look at myself and my own life and I don't want to take responsibility for developing and building and nurturing my own life and expression, as I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear of failure in relation my the future and in relation to how I direct and live my life

So here, I commit myself to, instead of creating distractions in my mind within and as thoughts and emotional reactions in relation to other people that I see around me in my environment just so that I wouldn't have to face and experience my internal fears in relation to myself and my life - be courageous and honest with myself and bring my attention and awareness back to myself, every time that I catch myself experiencing jealousy in relation to people that I am observing and looking at in my outside world, by immediately realizing, seeing and understanding that this experience of jealousy, wherein I am channelling and projecting all of my focus and all of myself outward into this image/picture of another person that I am seeing with my eyes, is based on a fear inside of myself that I am trying to run away from

So, I commit myself to face my personal fears of failure and fear of the future in relation to my own life - and to stand up within and as myself as the self-directive principle of myself and my world and reality -- because I see, realize and understand that the fear of failure and fear of the future in fact only comes up within myself if and when I accept and allow myself to give my power away and if and when I do not in every moment of breath stand as the directive principle of and as myself

Thus, I do not accept and allow myself to give my power away to this polarity experience of jealousy, as the experience of 'wanting what others have', and fear of failing in my life -- but to rather remain stable within and as my breath and my moment-to-moment existing within and as the physical body, wherein I stand and exist within and as control and power

And within this, when and as I see an experience of anger coming up within myself, wherein I am in my mind having backchat in relation to X or any other person in relation to specific expressions that I see within them, like 'X not paying attention to her environment cause she is fiddling with her phone' - then I stop and breathe, and I see, realize and understand that I am in that moment deliberately diminishing this person's expression within my mind, because somewhere within myself I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away within and as specific thoughts and backchat wherein I had in fact diminished and inferiorized myself, and so this experience of anger is in fact me within my mind trying to take back that power

Herein I see, realize and understand that the only real way wherein I can get my power back, is not by trying to diminish others in my mind and give myself a specific energetic experience of 'superiority', 'power' and 'control', but by in the first place taking responsibility for the specific thoughts, backchats and emotional reactions and experiences in my mind that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in and give my power away to, wherein I am for instance placing other people on a pedestal and defining them as superior to myself through the perceptions, ideas and beliefs that I create in my mind when I am looking at and observing them

Thus, I commit myself to not accept or allow myself to give my power away to the mind-construct of jealousy as the 'looking at' and observing another person and reacting with thoughts and backchat about her expression wherein I create the illusion that her expression is in some way 'more' than my expression - to create and develop an awareness within myself in relation to when I step into this 'looking at' and 'observing', to always make sure that I do not channel my awareness and focus into what my eyes are seeing, but that I always remain Here, within and as my own physical body and the awareness of my breathing

2014 When Love is Empty - How to Know when Love is Real

 2014 When Love is Empty - How to Know when Love is Real

 Transforming Love from Feeling to Reality in Real-Time

For a while now I am in a long distance relationship where I am communicating with my partner over Viber, which is this new communication application like Skype, only on Viber there is a larger database of pictures - called 'stickers' - to communicate with. When my partner and I were physically together, we never talked to each other in a way where we used the kind of pre-ordained 'lovey dovey' statements and expressions such as 'I love you' or 'you are my world' or 'I can't live without you' or other such expressions  that form part of  how relationships have been programmed in the unconscious mind of most of humanity, with the help of movies, magazines and books, and which are mostly referred to as 'romance' and 'love'.

We specifically did not express such things because we are both quite aware of the preprogrammed nature of such expressions - preprogrammed from the perspective that those specific words of 'I love you', 'you are my soul-mate' or 'I can't live without you' are not in fact expressions of who we are within ourselves - they come from outside sources such as media and other cultural and environmental influences where we have both come in contact with words, concepts and ideas such as 'romance' and 'love'. I mean, what I have found with myself in relation to expressing words like 'I love you' is that, within actually speaking the words, there is a part of myself that is very much aware that the words that I am speaking in that moment don't come from myself, they come from somewhere else and I am just kind of following the 'program'. So, I personally always refrained from expressing words such as 'love' towards the people in my world and reality because when I looked within myself in self-honesty, I could not find a reference point for those words - I could not find a real, genuine meaning for those words, so to me they were empty expressions that I felt would render me equally empty inside if I were to accept and allow myself to express them.

And I considered (and consider) myself to be very fortunate to have been able to create a relationship with another person within that awareness - where my partner and I were in agreement in relation to  both having an equal awareness within ourselves in relation to the word 'love' being a rather empty expression as how it has been lived, expressed, experienced and defined in the world currently and it therefore not doing justice to describing our appreciation for each other. So, we were doing perfectly fine never expressing any of the 'romantic'-type expressions that you would find portrayed in the common image and idea of how relationships are defined in this world - which can specifically be seen and referenced within movies and books -- and we never felt the need to.

But then once we started communicating via Viber something interesting developed - which is that, because of all those 'stickers' available to communicate with, a lot of which was in accordance with the preprogrammed conception of 'a relationship', where you had for instance lots of stickers involving couples kissing, stickers with hearts, stickers saying "I love you", etcetera - and because we didn't have the opportunity anymore to physically express our regard and appreciation for each other, through physically kissing, hugging and touching each other - we started using those stickers and we started using the word 'love' to somehow try to express what we felt we weren't able to express anymore because of the physical aspect being missing. This just kind of emerged and developed 'naturally' so it felt like it was just us expressing ourselves with each other - and,in itself obviously there isn't anything particularly 'wrong' with expressing ourselves in that way, we're just using the means and tools at our disposal to be able to express how we feel towards each other.

After a while however a specific experience emerged within myself. The warm and fuzzy feeling that I initially experienced within my communication and interaction with my partner that I had defined as our 'connection' and as 'love' seemed to be 'fading' and making place for this experience of emptiness and even a slight resistance in relation to our interactions - where, more and more I found myself trying to 'bring life into' our conversations and kind of forcing myself to bring back the memories of how I used to feel when I talked with him. And in my mind I kept on looking back on these memories and thinking 'why don't I feel that way anymore?', together with an experience of desire and a want to experience myself and my relationship and interactions with my partner again as how I experienced myself in those memories. I mean, I could not put my finger on it, because it wasn't really our communication in itself that had changed - it was just my experience within and of it that had changed and within that it looked like 'I just don't love him as much as I used to anymore'.

So then I was starting to believe that this is 'just how things are', that this is simply how relationships go where initially things start out with lots of experiences and feelings of excitement and 'love' because everything is still new and both partners are still getting to know each other - but after a while as you get to know each other more, the excitement 'wears off' and so the 'love' experience isn't as strong anymore. But then I realized that what I was experiencing was in fact energy - I was feeling disconnected and empty as an energetic emotional experience within myself -- which means that these experiences that emerged within me are not based on actual reality, but are existent within an alternate reality that I have created within my own mind through having participated in the act of thinking and reacting to those thoughts with emotions and feelings over a specific period of time. And that thus, what was happening was not so much that my 'love' for my partner was diminishing or disappearing in fact, but that in some way I have been separating and disconnecting myself from my partner and from who I am in relation to him through my participation in thoughts, feelings and emotional experiences in my own mind - which then eventually had lead up to the creation of an emotional experience of emptiness and disconnection, that I then interpreted in my mind as a 'loss of love'.

When I realized this, I then investigated how, where and when it is that I had been accepting and allowing myself to create a separation and disconnection within myself in my relationship with my partner -- and I found that it was the moment that we started using the word 'love' in our conversations, together with all the stickers of the little hearts and kisses and stuff. Upon looking within my memories, I could see how there were reactions occurring within myself each time my partner said that he loved me and each time he posted a sticker with an image of a couple kissing or hugging - and that I was starting to experience specific feelings in relation to those expressions of 'love' from my partner that I hadn't been experiencing towards him before . At that time, I didn't realize or see it - but what was busy happening in those moments was that my actual love and connection that I experienced within myself in relation to my partner, was slowly but surely being replaced by a FEELING of love and connection -- a feeling that was triggered and activated by and connected to specific words such as 'I Love You' and images like hearts and kisses.

I mean, my actual love for my partner as how it existed before those feelings emerged within me, was not a feeling in my mind but more like a deep understanding and appreciation within myself in relation to who my partner is and what my relationship with him is in my life - which is why I didn't need him to actually use the words 'I love you' for me to be able to understand what he means to me. I saw and understood who he is as a being and my love for him was based on that understanding. Whereas now, with this preprogrammed system of 'love' as defined within specific words, images and feeling experiences entering my mind - it was overlapping and suppressing the real love that was already there -- and so ended up creating an experience of disconnect, separation and emptiness.

That was essentially what I was doing with allowing the preprogrammed definition of 'love' in my mind to replace my real physical relationship with my partner - I was disconnecting and separating myself from the reality of my relationship and so creating an 'emptiness' within and as my internal experience of my relationship because that is what the preprogrammed system of 'love' essentially is, it is empty from the perspective that it is an already pre-ordained construct of specific words, images, feelings and emotions wherein there is no genuine individual expression of myself - it is in a way 'void of life'. It is a program in the mind that runs on energy so it will initially generate a lot of positive energy of excitement, but that will start to 'wear off' eventually as the nature of energy is that it burns up resources and eventually fades out - at which point the reality of the energy reveals itself within and as that 'inner emptiness' and the experience of disconnection and separation.

With just realizing, seeing and understanding that point, of how I had accepted and allowed myself to be duped by my own mind and had accepted and allowed my mind to suppress who I am as a being within and as physical reality in terms of my experience within and of my relationship with my partner, which opened up as I was talking about the experience with him - the 'mist' in my mind already cleared up a lot, meaning that the entire experience of emptiness and disconnection in relation to my partner released for a great part.

So, I realized and understood something quite valuable from this experience - which is that, if I accept and allow myself within and as my relationship with my partner to in any way be directed by pre-ordained expressions, ideas and experiences - for instance within reacting with specific feeling experiences to words like 'I love you' and to specific gestures, behaviors and words that I have copied within myself from having watched movies, read magazines and observed other people within their expressions in their relationships - without establishing for myself who I am in relation to these copied and integrated expressions -- then the consequences of me giving my expression away to a preprogrammed 'format' of expression as Feeling experiences inside of myself will be that eventually I will start experiencing a disconnection and separation from my partner and an emptiness within myself in relation to those expressions and in relation to my relationship and my 'love' for my partner. And that is because of the energetic patterns involved within this preprogrammed expression and experience of love. The pattern of which will initially take the energy into a 'high' as lots of excitement and 'warm and fuzzy' feelings, that would be defined as 'love' - and will then take the energy into a 'low' as the experience of disconnection, separation and emptiness, which will be defined and experienced as apparently having 'lost love'.

And that is unfortunately the pattern that most relationships in this world follow because most people, just like me, tend to accept and allow preprogrammed ideas and conceptions in their mind to decide for them how they will experience their relationship and express and experience themselves within the relationship - instead of being Self-Honest and investigating and exploring who they really are as a being and how they can align their relationship with their partner to stand as a platform of support for who they are as a being. And this is also the primary reason why many relationships don't tend to last that long - as a consequential outflow effect of accepting and allowing the word Love to play into Feelings and emotions in the mind, instead of Self being the Directive Force and Deciding Factor of what that word Love actually practically entails within and as the physical reality of the Relationship.

In my next blog on this process of Transforming the Word Love from a Consequential Pattern of Energy into a Stable Platform for Self-Expression and Self-Expansion within a Relationship - I will share the next Step to be walked, which is to walk a Process of Redefining the word 'Love' and within that, establish a stable internal understanding and integration of what the word Love would practically mean and stabilize our relationship to the word Love, so as to ensure that using this word within our relationship and our interaction and communication with our partner doesn't create any detrimental consequences and doesn't in any way end up sabotaging our relationship.

2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority -- Part 2

 2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority Part 2

Changing a Experience of Inferiority in Real-Time

2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority - See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/07/2014-belittled-mouse-and-roaring-lion.html#sthash.E22qHWud.dpuf

In Part 1 I have discussed and laid out the basic pattern that I have been faced with in my relationship with a male partner, which was one of inferiorizing myself within myself to and towards my partner within an emotional pattern that gets activated by a fear of losing my partner that at some point in our relationship starts coming up within myself.

Now, as I noticed myself going into this specific emotional pattern of inferiority within and as the specific emotional reactions and experiences as described in Part 1 again - I saw and realized that I was accepting and allowing myself to step into a self-destructive pattern within my mind and that if I do not stop and change myself within this pattern immediately, it will start spinning out of control and it will eventually lead to the end of the relationship and thus the manifestation of the fear that is at the very starting point of this self-sabotaging emotional pattern - because, I have witnessed myself playing out this pattern before in my relationships with other people and, even though the entire pattern is based on trying to hold on to those relationships out of fear of losing them, it ended up eventually costing me the relationship.

The moment that I could identify within myself as what triggered and started activating the pattern of self-suppression within and as emotional reactions and experiences of fear, sadness, depression and self-pity, is when I perceived and interpreted the behavior and expression of my partner to be 'distanced' and 'reserved' - to which I within myself reacted with backchat and internal conversations, saying to myself that 'he is annoyed with me for some reason' and 'he doesn't like something that I did or said', which then triggered projections within my mind wherein I imagined that he would eventually break up with me because he 'doesn't like me anymore' or because 'he is feeling more and more annoyed with me', connected with an emotional experience of fear.

From that point of fear, connected with seeing those future projections in my mind of 'him breaking up with me', I then go into a point of depression as a way of subconsciously trying to manipulate myself and my partner to take pity on me and then, out of pity, give me what I want. I mean, I have never realized this about the nature of depression, but as I have walked my process of investigating who I am within and as my own mind, I have come to the conclusion that indeed, depression is a self-created deliberate experience motivated by a desire to have control over my environment and manipulate my environment to be and move according to what I personally want and desire. For instance, in this specific pattern, the experience of depression is only there because I actually fear losing something and because in my subconscious mind I believe that I can hold on to what I fear losing through using depression to initiate an experience of pity within other people.

So, as I was seeing myself sinking into a depression and entertaining all sorts of backchat within my mind wherein I was basically fueling the experience of depression in a continuous feedback cycle and diminishing myself more and more - and I could simultaneously see that while I was participating in this mind-construct of trying to hold on to and have control over that which I feared losing, being my partner and our relationship, I was actually busy creating the exact opposite of that by pushing my partner and our relationship away from myself through isolating myself within and as the experience of depression, and thus essentially manifesting my own fear - I then decided to sit myself down in front of my laptop and stop myself within and as this experience through writing Self-Forgiveness.

At the end of this blog is an excerpt from the self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements that I wrote out in that moment – which, after having looked at it again later on, didn’t specifically correlate with the basic design of the point that I was facing in that moment and that I had written out in my first blog – nonetheless, because I moved and directed myself in finding an immediate solution to my emotional reactions in the moment as they came up, the self-forgiveness and self-correction that I applied is still relevant and was still effective.

Through, within the moment that I saw and experienced myself being enveloped by and within an emotional experience, accompanied by specific thoughts that I was entertaining in my mind, applying this written Self-Forgiveness, I was able to stop the immediate overwhelmingness of the experience within myself and stop myself from fueling the thoughts further and going deeper into it - and so essentially bypassing some possible consequences in relation to my expression and behavior to and towards my environment.

 However, I found that in terms of this experience and its trigger point, upon investigating myself in self-honesty - I can see that there are still layers existing within myself of how this specific mind-construct exists, works and functions within myself. So, within the Next Step I will share how I am facing this pattern within my life and how I am , through applying the Tools of Self-honesty, Self-Forgiveness and Practical real-time Self-Correction, changing it within and as myself and simultaneously changing my Life and Relationships in my external world and reality.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that X will reject me and break up with me just like Y did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my memory of Y onto X and expect that X will express himself and behave in the same way as Y did

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a fear that the past will repeat itself and to therein already blame X for making me feel rejected and alone by assuming that he will inevitably do the same as what I believe Y has done onto me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as an experience of blame and anger towards Y within and as the thought that 'he broke up with me for no reason' and that 'he hurt me by making me feel rejected and unworthy when he broke up with me' - and that I have therein accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as this memory and this experience of rejection and unworthiness -- where now I believe that X will do the same thing and that I again will experience myself as rejected and unworthy just like in my memory of Y --- instead of releasing the past through realizing that in fact how Y expressed himself within and as 'breaking up with me' was never personal and that I felt rejected and unworthy because I created personal interpretations and perceptions of his expression wherein I took his expression personally - rather than seeing and recognizing his expression directly as simply an expression of who he is as a life form and so seeing, realizing and understanding that his expression did not define me personally

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for my memories of Y by blaming him for the rejection and unworthiness that I experienced within and as myself by thinking that 'he made me feel that way by breaking up with me' - instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the problem has all along been me in my mind having created personal interpretations of his expression and having taken his expression personally by 'feeling rejected'  and by defining myself within and as his reaction to me --- instead of remaining stable within and as myself within and as the realization and understanding that Y breaking up with me is an expression of who he is within and as himself and how he has accepted and allowed himself to react to his world and reality, which is completely based on his own past and memories in his mind and the parts of himself that he doesn't want to be confronted with - and has got nothing to do with who I am as a being within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my starting point within creating a relationship with Y is that I was looking for validation and recognition in separation from myself wherein I was thus already defining myself within and as 'how Y sees me' rather than creating relationships with other beings from the starting point of existing and standing within and as self-validation and self-recognition -- and that is why, when Y broke up with me, I took it personally and I defined myself within and as his reaction/opinion/judgment/experience of me --- rather than seeing, realizing and understanding that I decide who I am and I define who I am within and as myself  and that the response and reactions of other beings to me are never personal just like my reactions to other people are never personal

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the points that I have blamed in Y such as him not having communicated with me about why he wanted to break up or what he wasn't satisfied with in the relationship and Y not being direct with me about what he wanted out of the relationship and where he stood in relation to me - is actually points that I have not taken responsibility for to develop within and as myself --- and that it is in fact my responsibility to stand and live as that which I want from my partner within and as the relationship and i thus have to walk a process of self-investigation and self-creation to be and become a living example of what is best for all with regards to being in a relationship with someone

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to hold myself back within and as my expression to and towards my partner out of fear that I may lose him I he doesn't agree with or like my expression - and that I have therein created the consequence of in fact losing the relationship because the reality of who I am cannot be hidden forever --- instead of being direct with myself and my partner from the beginning of the relationship and not waver in my stance, within and as the realization and understanding that if I try to suppress parts of myself because of fear that my partner may leave me then I am sabotaging the potential of the relationship to become something real, because who I really am within and as myself will come out eventually so my partner will see the 'real me' anyways

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame Y for not being direct with me about who he is and where he stands and for the relationship eventually falling apart instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the relationship fell apart because I wasn't honest with myself from the get go and because I tried to hide and suppress who I really am out of fear of losing the relationship --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this is the consequence of placing the relationship before myself and not seeing, realizing and understanding that if I do not stand and exist within and as self-honesty and self-expression, self-respect and self-acceptance, then the relationship will also not be supportive of who I really am

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give superior value to the word, concept and idea of 'the relationship' with regards to being with Y and to place this word/concept and idea above myself in separation of myself within my mind and therein not see, recognize or consider the actual reality of what it means to be in a relationship with another being -- where, in fact, the only thing that really makes up the relationship and that makes a relationship 'work' is me and my relationship with myself within and as myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to, because I have given such superior value to the concept and idea of having a relationship and being in a relationship in my mind, suppress and hide myself and hold myself back in my expression in relation to my partner, within and as the idea and belief  in my mind that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself that I will have more control over the relationship and over my partner if I suppress myself and if I try to change and transform myself like a chameleon to be and become that which I believe and think my partner will 'like' and 'enjoy' and that in this way I will be able to keep the 'relationship' in my world --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that 'the relationship' as an idea, concept and thought in my mind, Is an illusion because in reality it isn't an actual 'thing' that exist in separation of myself that I can 'hold on to' or 'have' --- the 'relationship' is simply a word that refers to an interaction between two manifestations in physical reaction - wherein thus 'the relationship' will be equal and one with what I create within and as my interaction with this other manifestation/being --- wherein thus, the relationship is not a 'static' and onedimensional idea or concept, it is a constant movement and expression of 'who I am', that does not have more value than 'who I am' within and as myself

I forgive myself  that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my relationship with Y and the fact that it 'ended' was because my starting point within and as it was in separation of myself, where thus the ending was one and equal with the beginning - because, in reality, I never actually really considered the practical dimensions involved in actually living and walking a real-time relationship with Y because all that I considered was this idea in my mind of 'the relationship' that I had given superior value over the actual practical reality

So I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that in reality, I never actually had a real relationship with Y, because I never even bothered to put in the effort required to establish a real connection and understanding between him and me or to even be direct and straightforward and honest with myself about who I am and where I stand in relation to the relationship

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself going into a reaction of fear and inferiority towards my partner, within and as a thought in my mind that 'I am going to lose him' and 'he will break up with me' and 'our relationship is going to end' if I express myself in this or that way - then I stop and breathe - and I see, realize and understand that within this fear and thought process I am actually projecting the past onto the future , by connecting a memory of my last relationship break up onto the current one, within and as a fear that the same thing is going to happen to me -- meaning that 'he is going to break up with me and I will feel very sad and depressed and rejected'

Here, I see, realize and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist within and as blame towards my previous partner for 'breaking up with me' where I have defined myself to be 'the victim' - and that therein I am not taking responsibility for how I have actually created my previous relationship and the break up myself through how I did not stand within and as the point of direction and responsibility within the relationship

So, I release this memory of my previous relationship through releasing and forgiving the emotional connection that I have created in my mind with this memory as an experience of blame and fear in relation to Y --- wherein I take responsibility for how the relationship turned out and for what the relationship was and what it existed as --- because I see, realize and understand that the relationship stands one and equal with who I am within and as myself   and that the fact that I felt 'rejected' within and as my relationship with Y, implies that in fact I had rejected myself by not standing as the directive principle within the relationship from the get go because I gave more value to an idea in my mind of 'the relationship'  rather than valuing myself and my own expression

I see, realize and understand that a relationship is nothing more than a physical interaction between two physical manifestation - and that this relationship is entirely created and determined by who the two beings/manifestations are within themselves --- wherein thus, I see, realize and understand that any relationship that I have with another being is entirely determined by who I am within myself and the effort and consideration that I place within creating, building and manifesting this 'relationship'

Meaning that, I see, realize and understand that whenever I become emotional within the relationship - for instance when I allow myself to go into an experience of fear of losing the relationship and then allow this fear to direct my physical expression towards my partner - then I am giving my directive power and responsibility for the relationship away to the mind and am thus not directly creating and forming the relationship into what is best for myself as what stands one and equal with who I am within and as myself

Thus I commit myself to, when and as I see myself becoming emotional within and as an experience of fear and I see myself giving away my power to the mind as fear - to stop and breathe - and to stabilize myself within and as breath within and as the insight, realization and understanding that I am not the victim within the relationship, I am the creative, directive and responsible principle

And so I commit myself to rather stand stable within and as myself and consider what it is that I am actually creating through my behaviour and through the internal and external state of being that I allow myself to go into - wherein I thus stand as the directive principle within and as the living statement that I create everything that is within and of my world in each moment of breath

2014 How I Stopped the War on People

 2014 How I Stopped the War on People

Changing Conflict and argument into Care and Consideration

I remember when I first started vlogging and blogging in the beginning stages of walking my process of investigating the mind, investigating reality and finding solutions for the problems that I as an individual face within myself in terms of my emotional and mental experiences and the problems that we as a collective face in this world, such as poverty, starvation, rape, murder, etcetera - whenever someone would comment on a vlog that I had made or a blog that I had written that from my perspective didn't immediately give off the 'vibe' that they agree with what I had to say, I went into heavy reactions of anger, which I experienced within myself as this stance of 'righteousness', wherein I felt like I was this crusader out to defend the truth against all who opposed it. 'The truth' being that which I at the time believed about reality.

Then from the starting point of that internal reaction to the comment of the specific person, I would start activating thoughts in my mind at a very fast pace of all the things that I could say to this person to disprove their stance and to prove that my point which I was conveying and sharing was 'right' and that they are 'wrong'. In my mind I would have these entire speeches at the ready that were the product of my desire to just find a way to get this person to see and realize and understand that their view and understanding of reality has all along been 'wrong' and that what I am showing and telling them is 'right' -- wherein I was basically almost expecting some kind of 'revelation' to take place within this person, and for them to go 'Oh My God! You are absolutely right! I cannot believe how lost I was in my own beliefs and thoughts! Thank you so much for showing me the light, Oh Great Master!'.

This reaction within myself of anger and frustration when someone didn't immediately agree with me, which I would within my mind always interpret and experience as a blatant attack of my words, my opinions and my person, wouldn't only take place in online discussions and conversations, but also occurred in my home environment with the people close to me. I would get into many heated discussions with my mother and her partner, whom I lived with at the time, and with my friends and family members, wherein the starting point of the discussion that always turned into arguing was that I was trying to defend myself against a perceived enemy based on the idea and belief in my mind that they are against me as what I am expressing in my words, which was mostly some statement that I had made about 'how things are', like about how politics and the economy should be changing and how people should change because the world is going to hell, etcetera -- just because they didn't immediately say 'wow Kim, yes I see now! You are so absolutely right! Thank you for sharing this insight with me and please help me to change!'.

This tendency of being so reactive towards people in relation to discussing matters of the world didn't only come up at that specific time in my life when I started walking my process of Self-Change, even though it may have appeared that way, because I was getting into arguments with people in my immediate environment as well as online almost on a daily bases -- within my quest to 'defend and spread the truth', which was in other words my quest to push and force my personal agenda onto everyone else from the starting point of believing that I am 'right' and that everyone who doesn't agree with me is 'wrong' and so now I must 'fight' for what is 'right' and wherein I wasn't aware that, from an observers perspective, I was kind of turning into a little dictator on a small scale in my relationships with the people in my small world of influence.

That reactive and self-righteous nature was actually already existent within myself ever since I became a teenager and had acquired some reasoning and logical thinking skills and so from the age that I was able to form 'thought-constructs' in my own head through connecting information that I had learned and picked up in my world and environment -- that had now become 'my information', 'my opinions' and 'my perspectives' which I believed contained my 'identity' as a being, a belief that explains why I felt like I had to defend those opinions and perspectives against all those who might question or criticize them. It was however only once I started exploring information and ways of looking at reality that was different from what I had learned and come in contact with in my life so far, that this little self-righteousness demon in the mind became visible and was lured out of its lair - because what I found is that as long as the information that I identify myself with is the same or similar to that of the people in my environment, then we will agree on pretty much everything, because we think alike  - but from the moment that there is a shift in that information, when for instance one person comes in contact with a specific group in 'the world out there' who present different information in the form of opinions, ideas, perceptions and beliefs, then conflict arises because now there are differences of opinions coming up.

It’s the same phenomenon that plays out between people from different cultures, families, religions, ages and other types of backgrounds. There is essentially just a difference in information contained in the mind of these individuals - depending on the environment that they grew up in - and so a difference in values, norms and beliefs in relation to reality, which often then makes way for conflict to arise between people from different backgrounds as each individual is in defence mode in relation to the information they believe represents and defines 'who they are' within and as their mind.

So basically in those beginning stages of walking my process of Self-Change and Self-Realization, I felt like my relationships with the people around me was like a war-zone and like I had to fight people - because I was fighting for the information that I had at that time come in contact with and that I had now come to identify myself with, which was information in relation to why one should walk a process of Self-Change, why the world needs Change, why people need to Change, etcetera --- and so basically I was fighting for my existence and survival as an 'Identity' - this 'Identity' being a system/construct of information in the Mind.

How I over time as I furthered into walking my actual process of Self-Change and Self-Realization changed this inner nature of reactive self-righteousness in relation to other people and specifically in relation to myself as who I believe I am and what information of and within myself as my Mind I believe must be defended - is through having first of all realized and taken my responsibility for my own mind, meaning that I not only became aware of how my experience that other people were 'attacking me' when they  were 'not agreeing with me', was in fact more my own perception of the situation that was coming from and existed within the Ego within my mind wherein I had defined myself within specific 'opinions' and information about 'reality', but I also changed this attackative relationship with other people in my internal and external reality.

In other words, a very valuable gift that I have learned in this process is to be humble in my expression towards other people and to, when I see that reaction coming up within myself where I want to go into a fighting mode towards another person, which is a specific conflictual experience within myself - rather than expressing myself from that experience and actually going into conflict with another person, I stop myself and apply the realization and understanding that this perceived 'conflict' in relation to this other person and their words is nothing personal but is actually rather a consequence of the fact that we both come from different backgrounds and we use different vocabulary and words to describe and define different things.

This means that I have to now become firstly honest with myself about the words that this person is using that I am reacting to within myself because somewhere along the line I have accepted and allowed myself to define those words as 'bad' and 'negative', because it is those internal definitions of words that I am actually reacting to with resistance and not so much to the person themselves. And then from that starting point of clearing my own prejudices and judgments of words, I can start seeing beyond the words and start investigating who this person really is as a being within the words that they speak - considering that they may use different words to describe the exact same thing as what I am describing and speaking about, just because those are the words that they have learned throughout their life to form part of their vocabulary and so that is what they will use to describe who they are within themselves and to express themselves within. So it Is up to me now to find that starting point of firstly what this being is really expressing and secondly where the vocabulary and the words that they use actually come from.

Because, we human beings are in a way systems of information and the information that we will express is the information that we have throughout our lives come in contact with and aligned ourselves with. So if I go and just react to someone because I don't personally like the words that they are expressing and how they are expressing themselves within and as the words they speak, then I am in fact reacting from the most superficial layer of my own mind wherein I do not see this process that I have walked myself in my life in relation to learning specific words and aligning myself with specific words that I have throughout my life come in contact with - and so I will also not see that process within another.

What I found for myself is that to start seeing that process within another, meaning the process that they have walked to become who they are and how they express themselves in the words that they speak - is where you make a shift within yourself from being and existing as an Ego within the superficial layers of the system of information that is the Mind, to existing within a genuine Care and Consideration for other beings. And that is where real communication with others can start forming - as communication will now not  be from the starting point of internal reactions but from the starting point of really getting to know a person and finding ways to start understanding a person and to start speaking to and with who they are as a being within themselves and so not the system of information that they have become throughout their lifetime here on earth. And that is a gift that can only start unfolding once you allow yourself to be open when communicating with another being, where you look past your own internal reactions and you stand within the realization that this other being's expression is one and equal with your own expression - they are just using a different vocabulary to express who they are. So, the words may be different and the 'system of information' that is being expressed may be different, but the being at the core of it is one and equal with ourselves.

There is a Free Online Course - DIP Lite - that will assist and support you to start walking the first steps in the process of investigating and understanding who you are within and as the System of Information as the mind -- and so to start understanding why and how it is that we sometimes go into conflict and arguments with other people based on and because of the words that are being spoken, as a consequence of us not actually understanding who we are within the words that we speak.