It was in my first sexual relationship, which I have broken off just a year ago, that I got to know parts of myself where I was confronted with a very spiteful, manipulative and deceptive inner 'beingness' within myself that has only come out now that I was in this relationship and of which I was never really that aware.
I have always seen myself as a very quiet, peaceful, understanding girl that never asks much from people and just lets people be, someone that would just 'disappear' into the background in a group of people and someone who appears to be 'strong', and can 'take care of herself'. Little did I know what personality traits lay dormant deep within myself, to be awakened in a relationship with a man and reveal to me what really exist within myself that I had always been able to hide, even from myself.
The thing about this sexual relationship is that I actually saw him as 'my possession', because we had sex, we were living together, thus it felt as though we were now locked together in some way, he was mine to have sex with and to participate with in a 'feminine' way, in relation to him as 'masculine', so that I could feel like 'a woman'. I could develop my personality as being 'a woman' in this world, in relation to him as 'my man', thus I basically needed him as 'a man' to be able to maintain that self-definition/personality of me as 'a woman'. So, within myself I constantly existed within the fear of losing him, and often it was little things that he said that would trigger the thoughts within my mind that he 'doesn't love me anymore' and 'is going to leave me'. Though what was also interesting in this, is that sometimes, I would question my love for him and fantasize about living alone as I didn't feel so interested in him anymore - yet, when that moment came that I was faced with the possibility that maybe HE doesn't like/love me anymore, I would go into an immediate state of panic and fear of being rejected and losing what I believed I needed to 'be myself' within and as this positive feeling that I had been building up within myself during my relationship with hem as 'my personality'.
There were a few situations in our relationship where he basically said to me that he was doubting our relationship and was thinking about ending it. And here is where I went into an extremely possessive state of absolute fear and panic of losing him, as though I was going to lose a limb or something. And then, I went into an experience of self-pity and depression, with lots and lots of crying in the bathroom. The first time this happened, I started drinking wiskey, I drank and drank, not even realizing that I was drinking wiskey and could seriously damage my brain or pass out with that stuff, I just felt so sad and pitiful that I 'just didn't care anymore' as I had apparently lost or was losing the one thing that held my life/'me' together. I then got his attention because he was really worried about me, as I was lying there on the bed half unconscious and I felt good inside because I saw that he still cared about me. So, he didn't leave me after all.
Other times that I accessed this high emotional experience of self-pity/sadness/depression is when we had a discussion and I felt as though he was blaming me for something. As I believed within myself that I am such a 'good' girl, so nice all the time, so peaceful, just letting him be who he is and never asking for much for myself - so I felt that it was 'unfair' that he did not appreciate 'all the things that I had done for him', that he had not seen how much I had been trying to be good to him and give him what he likes so that he can feel good within the relationship. I thought that he was supposed to appreciate that I am a good person, he was supposed to give me recognition for all of the good things that I had done for him, as this was my 'personality', this was the idea that I had of myself within my mind, the idea that I am a 'good' person, who ALWAYS cares about others first and NEVER imposes her will onto another, thus within this I had in fact created a personality/identity of 'self-righteousness', as apparently 'untouchable', wherein I believed that no one has the right to blame me for anything or even become angry or frustrated with me because I am the good girl, I am always trying to do good and be right and all and everything anyone could wish of me.
So, whenever he would get angry with me because of something that he did not like about me, I would immediately go into self-pity, as the self-righteous personality came up within myself and went 'this is not fair', 'why does he not see the effort that I have made for him?!', 'why does he not recognize how I have been suppressing my own desires/will/power so that he could have everything 'his way' just so that he would be happy?!'. Within this, I would feel completely justified within the anger that I was building up within myself along with the experience of self-pity, because I used this idea that 'I have done everything right', 'i am a good girl', 'I do everything the correct way' within constantly pleasing his wants, needs and desires as a point of self-protection, to place myself on a pedestal of sorts to be always 'right' in everything and thus always 'win' in conversations through the application of self-pity and depression, wherein I basically would use my personality of 'righteousness' against him, to play into his feelings of guilt when he realizes that he was wrong for having yelled at me and for having become angry/frustrated with me because I am such a good girl, my intentions were always 'pure' and 'righteous', I did not deserve that.
This is actually a 'personality-trait' that I have subconsciously been using for my entire life to 'win' in conversations and discussions and to get my environment to ultimately give me what I want - as I found it to be beneficial for me to, rather than saying directly and straightforward what it is that I want/need/desire, manipulate my environment by playing into their emotions such as guilt through my behavior/presentation as 'just a good little girl' with 'good intentions' wherein I would pretty much make the other person out to be 'the bad one', 'the abuser', which nobody really wants to be, to get them to do my bidding, so that they could not feel so bad anymore about themselves in relation to me. lol, yes that is quite manipulative.
Within my relationship with this man, that inner deceptive, manipulative personality really came out as I, whenever we were having a discussion, would either start crying, or become hysterical or even somewhat 'insane', as the whole dramatic act of 'why are you not seeing that I am the good one here?!!!', using tantrums and dramatic behavior/acts to get him to realize that 'I am right!!!' - therein placing all the responsibility for the relationship in his hands, with me as the victim of the situation, as if it was not my choice to step into this relationship with him and thus not my responsibility, as I did not want to be 'the bad one' by making the decision of, for instance, splitting up when realizing that the relationship wasn't working.
So, to be able to avoid making any decisions that would place me in the position of 'the perpetrator' or 'the bad one' and thus giving him the chance to blame me as I had always been blaming him for what he had apparently 'done to me' within getting angry with me and starting discussions, I would keep the 'truth' hidden within myself, the thoughts that I was really thinking about him and about the relationship, pretending to be 'in love with him' but secretly harboring feelings of hate and anger towards him within myself, which I did not take responsibility for at that time as I did not realize that the hate and anger was really at myself because I was not honoring myself in being honest with myself and with him and because I was not respecting myself by always suppressing myself in order to please him. I had not realized that this was all my choice, my own doing from the start of the relationship, thus all of my experiences in relation to him were my responsibility.
I had basically been seeing and treating him as though he was some kind of 'bad guy', existing in fear of his anger and outbursts, blaming him for the fear that I experienced within myself, without ever realizing that it was in fact my choice/decision to remain in that relationship as I had defined myself within this personality of myself as 'a woman' in relation to him as 'my man', thus I did not want to let go of that feeling as I believed that it is 'who I am', wherein it was in fact me using him to be able to feel a certain way and not the other way around.
It was only through having applied Self Forgiveness, self honesty and self correction that I have been able to in fact see and realize my own allowed deception and dishonesty, and have been able to stand up and take responsibility for how I experience myself within myself and stop the manipulative personality construct of self-pity as a way to fulfill my inner self-interested desires.
for More info on the process of Self forgiveness, visit the Desteni Website
Geen opmerkingen:
Een reactie posten