embarrassment -- i experience a lot of embarrassment (emotion) about myself because i worry a lot about 'what people will think of me' in everything that i do and say (thought). So embarrassment is what i experience when i am expressing myself or have expressed myself in a way that i normally wouldn't, that i deem 'not normal' or 'out of the ordinary' (thought). the idea that i have of myself is that i am a girl/woman who 'fits into society', who is 'like everyone else', 'normal', according to the 'rules' and concepts of 'what normal and acceptable is' in and of society (thought), which i learned from my family.
So, whenever i do or say anything that might shake that idea/image that i have of myself, embarrassment comes up, like when i say/do something that would, according to me, generally by 'society' be judged as 'abnormal' and 'not ok', 'weird', 'freaky', 'strange' or even 'sick'/'disgusting' (thought).
A lot of which has to do with sexuality and my sexual expression -- for instance embarrassment always comes up whenever i speak words that have to do with sexuality (emotion), especially the more 'vulgar' ones (thought), or when moving my body in a specifically feminine way (like swaying hips) because according to me and my view of society and of myself as being a 'proper member of society', sexuality is something that should not be 'open', not be discussed or shown, everybody is just supposed to be 'proper', nice, friendly, polite, predictable in their expression (thought).
So, when i experience embarrassment(emotion) within myself, it is as a reaction to a self-judgment on my expression, (thought) on something i said or did because of how i think it will be perceived by other people because it may be different from how i want to be perceived according to the image/idea that i have of myself (thought). And the image that i have of myself as how i want other people to perceive me is that of an 'intelligent, good girl' (thought) - so the embarrassment (emotion) would come up whenever i think that other people judge me as dumb, stupid, bad, etcetera (thought), but mostly as 'not normal', 'not fitting into the rest of society' and 'not like everyone else' (thought). And to avoid the experience of embarrassment, i would constantly be conscious of what people may or may not be thinking about me (thought), so that i can alter my expression so that they will judge me as 'an intelligent, good girl' (thought), so obviously within this i compromise myself a lot and i am never honest with others as myself about who i am, never direct, constant or stable.
Thoughts related to embarrassment:
'what will people think of me'
'i have to fit into society'
'people have to think that i am an intelligent and good girl/woman'
'i have to avoid the experience of embarrassment'
'everybody in society is supposed to be friendly, polite and predictable in their expression'
'i have to be conscious of what people are thinking about me'
'I don't fit into society'
Themes of embarrassment: self-judgment, rejection, self-pity, comparison
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to how I believe other people see me - and therefore, be afraid of people starting to see me in a different light, because, apparently, then i'll lose myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself according to my friends and to therefore fear changing, because i fear that my friends will see me in a different light and thus reject me, wherein i fear losing me - instead of realizing myself as one and equal with my friends and realizing that the belief that i exist within the minds of my friends as an image/idea/thought is only ego as separation, wherein i have separated myself from myself through creating relationships based on emotional and feeling reactions
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience embarrassment as an ego defense and protection-mechanism to sabotage me in realizing and expressing myself as who i really am as life itself, as limitless and undefined, whenever I say or do something that is not according to my programming as 'personality-definitions' -- wherein I go into self-judgment and self-suppression as the emotional experience of embarrassment that stems from the fear of losing my friends as what I believe i need to be able to be myself as who i believe myself to be as 'personality' as thoughts, feelings and emotions
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the experience of embarrassment is real and to therefore try to avoid the experience of embarrassment by sticking to my programming without ever further investigating myself within the realization that embarrassment an experience is that i have allowed to exist within myself, so therefore it is me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an idea of 'who i am' according to how i believe other people see me - instead of realizing that how i believe that other people see me, is entirely based on how i see me and how i want people to see me according to the image that i am trying to portray and present of myself to others as the ego that i have allowed myself to become as separation
i forgive myself that i haven't accepted and allowed myself to investigate the experience of embarrassment within myself by simply accepting it as 'who i am' and taking it for granted, and thus not realizing that embarrassment is in fact a pre-programmed automatic response of the ego as the system of the mind that i have allowed myself to become that only serves to keep me from ever realizing that i am not the mind as the system by coming up whenever i am faced with a chance to stand up within self-directiveness within a moment, wherein i would change my application in this reality, and thus realize that the mind is an illusion
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing my friends in my world because i have allowed myself to define myself according to my friends and according to how i believe they see/perceive me within their mind, wherein i have allowed myself to become a personality/identity as definitions within and as separation of myself, believing that i need my friends to 'be myself' as the experience of myself as the system of the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions, based on the idea of myself according to how i believe my friends see/perceive me
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to actually believe that i am able to 'lose myself'
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to believe that the experience of embarrassment is a warning sign that i must listen to, that warns me that i am about to lose myself within losing the 'esteem' of my friends and within being rejected by my friends and that i therefore have to do or say something to make sure that i do not lose the respect and acceptance and 'esteem' of my friends so that i can once again feel like i am 'myself' as the personality/identity that i have allowed myself to become within relationships with my friends, based on how i believe they perceive me, according to how i want them to perceive me within the image/picture that i present of myself
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by the emotional experience of embarrassment by believing that I am able to lose myself when i feel embarrassed and by doing/saying things wherein i try to make sure that the idea of myself that apparently exist in the minds of my friends and other people is still intact - instead of realizing that this idea that i am trying to uphold of myself is my self-created image wherein i exist in separation of myself within and as the mind and is thus not actually real
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i am but an idea that exist in the mind within and as separation of myself, wherein i apparently need relationships such as friend-ships as my 'life-boat' that keeps the personality/identity/idea of myself 'alive' and that i fear losing because i have allowed myself to define myself within and as an idea within and as separation of myself
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear stepping out of my comfort zone of the relationships that i have created with specific people in my world, as my 'friends' - and to use the experience of embarrassment and the fear to experience the emotional reaction of embarrassment, as a self-sabotage in order to keep me from ever crossing my self-created boundaries of the mind -- making sure that i never find out who i really am as life itself as HERE
i forgive myself that i haven't allowed myself to expand by trusting the experience of embarrassment as an apparent 'warning' that says that 'I should not cross this boundary' because I will 'lose myself' through losing my friends as i have allowed myself to define myself within the relationships that i have created with these specific people in my reality - instead of realizing that these relationships with these people as what i experience to be 'who i really am' and 'reality' isn't actually real or 'who i really am' because i have created these relationships myself at one point in my life, where i started to place special value onto them as i was busy building my ego as a system as definitions, ideas and perceptions of myself that need validation and support to be able to exist, therefore I am completely responsible for the relationships that i experience with my friends as i have created it completely myself
i forgive myself that i have allowed myself to become a system of the mind, as a closed off, isolated and limited experience of myself - that keeps itself 'together', within and as the self-created illusion of separation, through experiences like embarrassment as apparent 'warnings' that keep me from 'losing myself' - instead of realizing that if i am able to 'lose myself' than i wasn't ever actually real in the first place
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear expansion
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing myself
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from myself through creating relationships within and of the mind wherein i have allowed myself to build up an idea of myself according to how i think my friends see me, based on how i wanted them to see me as i manipulated my expression to present a certain image of myself towards other people as the ego of the mind wherein i experience myself as 'unique' and 'special' and 'important' and 'superior'
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within and as the ego of the mind as the image that i have created of myself according to how/what i believe other people think about me - instead of realizing that what i see in another as thoughts, feelings and emotions as 'what they are apparently thinking about me', is my own mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions that i have allowed to exist within myself that i see projected unto others by being self-dishonest through having allowed myself to abdicate responsibility for myself HERE within and as reality
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire having friends as apparent 'support' in this reality instead of realizing that the very belief that i need support from others creates the experience within myself that i am unstable and lack support, which is an experience of the mind wherein i have allowed myself to exist in separation of myself, constantly looking for myself within others
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise myself within my search for friendship and within the belief that i need friends to be able to exist - instead of realizing that friendships only support the illusion of the mind as the idea of myself as an image/picture presentation within and as relationships, which isn't actually life and which isn't who i really am as life
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear standing alone and to use the experience of embarrassment to keep myself enslaved and trapped within and as the mind as the belief that i need friends and i need support and validation from other people to be able to exist - instead of taking responsibility for the experience of embarrassment within the realization that i have allowed embarrassment to exist within myself in separation of myself and that i am therefore one and equal with the experience of embarrassment
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the emotional experience of embarrassment and to therefore fear expressing myself in a way that is different from how i would normally express myself according to my programming as what i believe to be 'good' and 'right', to make sure that i do not experience embarrassment as what i have connected with 'stepping out of my comfort zone' - instead of taking responsibility for the existence of embarrassment as what i have allowed to exist within myself as a part of the mind consciousness system that only exists to make sure that i never cross or challenge my self-created boundaries within myself as the apparent 'rules of reality' according to judgments of 'right' and 'wrong' as what i have learned from my parents and to make sure that i never expand myself within and as my existence HERE, wherein i would realize that i am not the mind
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within the experience of embarrassment, within and as separation of myself wherein i feel embarrassed about something that i did or said because of how i think other people see or perceive me as the image/idea that they have about me in their mind - instead of realizing that the experience of embarrassment is only me as the ego of the mind as the desire to feel special, important and unique as an image within and as the mind within and as separation of myself, trying to 'survive' in keeping me from expanding myself within the moment HERE through attempting to stop and suppress myself in my expression in the moment within judging my expression and accordingly feel embarrassed, wherein i state to myself that 'i should not have behaved in that way, because what will people now think of me?!'
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within and as the thought of 'what will people think of me?!'
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought of 'what will people think of me?!' to the emotional experience of embarrassment as the ego-defense mechanism wherein i am trying to hold onto an idea/image of myself that i have built up within and as relationships with certain people in my world
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the emotional experience of embarrassment by fearing it and thus allowing myself to be directed by it - instead of realizing, when i see the emotional experience of embarrassment coming up within myself, that this is a preprogrammed system energetic reaction that is designed for one purpose only: to keep myself within the limited boundaries of the mind as self-created personality within and as relationships as separation
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience embarrassment whenever a memory comes up within myself wherein i did or said something in the presence of other people, that does not accord with the image/idea that i have created of myself as the ego of the mind as perceived superiority within and as separation of myself as how i want other people to see and perceive me - wherein embarrassment is like a 'mind-wall' that makes sure that i subtract myself within myself and suppress myself within and as the emotional experience of embarrassment so that i will not expand myself in that moment and realize that i am not the mind, but stick to my programming of and as the mind as the ego as the idea of self - instead of breathing through the experience of embarrassment within and as the realization that this is not me, it is but a mind consciousness system program that i have allowed to exist within myself which only function and purpose is the survival of the mind as the system of ego as the illusion
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define embarrassment within depression and sadness
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define embarrassment within self-pity
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience embarrassment when i don't have any money and i am standing at the register at a store and i have to tell the cashier that i can't pay for the products because i forgot my money, because in that moment i am thinking 'what will people think about me' because this situation does not accord with the ego-image that i have of myself within myself, of me as a person that can afford to buy stuff, someone who has enough money and who thus isn't poor
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed when i notice that i have a hole in my clothes when i am in a situation where there are other people around because this situation does not accord with the image/idea that i have of myself within my mind of me as a person that can afford new clothes, that has enough money to look nice and is therefore not poor - because i have allowed myself to define having a hole in my clothes within poverty as 'not being able to buy new clothes'
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience embarrassment when my clothes or backpack is dirty because i have allowed myself to create an idea of myself within my mind as a 'rich person' or someone who 'has enough money in this system' and because i have allowed myself to define 'dirty clothes' within poverty/being poor - wherein the experience of embarrassment is the self-defense mechanism of the ego that makes sure that i do not expand myself here in that situation and realize that the mind as the idea that my self-value is determined by the amount of money that i have in this world, is not who i really am
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience embarrassment when my hair is greasy when i am in a situation where there are other people around, by thinking about 'what people will think of me', because the greasy hair does not accord with the image/idea that i have of myself in my mind as someone who is 'rich' and has enough money to buy shampoo and who has a house with running water to wash my hair as how i want other people to think about me - where the embarrassment is the ego-defence/protection mechanism that makes sure that i do not in that moment expand myself and realize that this idea that i have of myself is not who i really am as it is but a picture in my mind, that is supported through 'relationships' as the separation that i experience between myself and 'other people' as pictures that i see with my eyes, wherein i project the ideas that i have of myself onto other people and thus use them to support, maintain and validate the ego that i have allowed myself to become
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define a situation wherein people may think that i am poor and thus have no money to wash my hair, buy new clothes, and other new stuff to properly take care of myself in this world, within the emotional experience of embarrassment and the thought of 'what will people think of me?'
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define poverty within embarrassment and to fear poverty because i fear the emotional experience of embarrassment
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an idea of myself as 'a rich person' and as 'a person that has enough money to provide for themselves in this world' as the ego that i have allowed myself to become wherein i define my self-worth and value within how much money i have
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within the idea of myself as a 'rich person' that is based on the way i present myself according to judgments that i learned about appearance from society and family as 'positive' and 'desirable' and therefore experience embarrassment whenever my appearance does not accord to that idea within my mind of myself, as a preprogrammed reaction of the ego to keep me from ever realizing that this image/idea of myself within my mind as a rich person, is not who i really am
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be programmed with the fear of experiencing embarrassment in relation to poverty as in having no money and to therefore support the current money system by participating in it from the starting point of desiring money and fearing to be without money, wherein i never question the money system or this reality and thus have become part of the problem and reason why there exist poverty in this world in the first place
i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within an idea/image that i have created of myself within my mind of myself as someone who 'fits into society', someone who is 'like most people', someone who 'lives up to the standard' as an image/idea that i copied from my family - and therefore feel embarrassed whenever i notice that my picture presentation does not accord with this idea/image of myself in my mind as how i want other people to see me and think of me, as the preprogrammed ego-reaction that serves to keep me from ever realizing that this image/idea that i have created of myself within my mind is not who i really am
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing the experience of embarrassment to stop me from expanding myself and realizing myself as all as one as equal by having allowed myself to give my power and self-responsibility away to the experience of embarrassment - instead of realizing that embarrassment is nothing more than an ego defense mechanism that only exist within me as the ego consciousness system that i have allowed myself to become to keep me from ever crossing the borders/bouderies and perceived limitations of the mind and realizing that i am not the mind
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give my power away to the energetic experience of embarrassment by fearing the experience of embarrassment as a 'negatively charged' experience of the mind, and to therefore stick to my programming as the idea that i have created about myself in my mind as how i want other people to think about me and see me, based on what i have learned from my family and society about 'who i should be' to be accepted by them
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within what people think of me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within worrying about what people think of me
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define myself within an idea/image within my mind that exist in relationship with other people wherein i project my judgments about myself within other people as the abdication of self-responsibility - as the mind consciousness system that i have allowed myself to become as self-dishonesty within and as separation of myself
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotional experience of embarrassment with the thought of 'what will people think of me?!'
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the connection between the emotional experience of embarrassment and the thought of 'what will people think of me?!' by having allowed myself to define myself within this connection
i forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel embarrassed in someone else's stead when i see that they are in a social/public situation wherein they look or act a certain way that does not accord with what i judge/see as 'good' within and as the ego personality that i have allowed myself to become wherein i have allowed embarrassment to be programmed into me as a ego-reaction that keeps me 'locked into' my self-created limitations of the mind to make sure that i never realize/see/understand that the mind as the idea of myself as 'good' and 'positive' is not who i really am
redefining words:
redefining the word 'friend'dictionary definition of the word 'friend':
1.
a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
3.
a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
4.
a member of the same nation, party, etc.
5.
So, my friends would be the ones who I experience to not accept me as who I am, the ones who will in fact judge me the most as the bases of our relationship is emotions and feelings thus in a way we are like 'family', in that we seem to be 'stuck to each other' through having shared memories. Thus, basically, because we have apparently 'shared our lives' with each other within and through memories, we do not allow each other to actually live here because the support shared within the friend-relationship is support from the startingpoint of survival as a limited mind consciousness system of thoughts, feelings and emotions and not support from the startingpoint of supporting each other within our development to become effective beings in this reality. In fact, we try to keep each other down/back and actually make sure that we never change, but that we stay in the group and stay in a specific mind-set of emotions and feelings by using communication to deliberately manipulate the other 'friends' to be/become 'like me' as a mind consciousness system of thoughts, feelings and emotions - so within being 'like me' I will 'like them'.
( initial capital letter ) a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker.
Sounding the word 'friend':
'free' - 'end' = the end of my freedom
Sounding the word 'friend':
'free' - 'end' = the end of my freedom
personal experience of the word friend:
a person who serves as a mechanism of control for the ego that i have allowed myself to form and build over the years in my world, a person who will specifically support only the idea that i have of myself as what they helped build through games of power wherein i will either experience myself as on the end of power or on the end of powerlessness in relation to them. Thus they are people that will support the experience of embarrassment within myself and who expect me to experience embarrassment when i do not keep to my programming and remain their 'friend' as a predictable predesigned and determined set of behavior and ways of expression that they can identify with as i in my turn have supported the formation and existence of their idea of themselves as ego within and as the relationship of playing games of power through emotional manipulation.
I will generally mostly experience embarrassment towards friends whenever i am aware/conscious that how i am behaving is not in accord to the behavior and presentation of myself that they have created a relationship with, thus whenever i have changed and that change is noticeable in my expression towards them. The embarrassment comes up within myself though because somewhere within myself I am still holding on to this idea of myself within which i have created relationships with these people as 'my friends', thus still holding on to the 'friend' relationships as my apparent 'pillars' that serve as support for the idea that i have of myself as who i believe myself to be - where the experience of embarrassment is like a red light going on inside of myself (which is funny, as embarrassment often cause my face to turn 'red', like a giant red light bulb turning on) where me as the ego goes 'red alert!, I am going off course!, I have to immediately turn back to the 'safety' of my programming to keep myself intact as the idea and belief of myself as who i always believed myself to be as defined within and as the relationships with my 'friends' that i have built up over time through the accumulation of 'me-more-i-s'! Which then often causes me to immediately redirect the 'course' of my behavior to be specifically that which my friends would experience as 'normal' and 'who i am', just so that i wouldn't experience embarrassment anymore as i allow myself to trust and follow the experience of fear that comes up within embarrassment, as the fear of losing myself and/as the fear of change.
The general attitude within 'friendships' is 'I need you and you need me to survive as an ego of the mind in this world so I'll scratch your back and you scratch mine', which is very conditional support that is based on the understanding that from the moment a 'friend' stops supporting their ego and thus the ego of the other 'friends', they get rejected by the group of 'friends'. This is the ruthlessness that we as humanity are existing within and as at the moment.
redefining the word 'friend' and 'friendship' to stand as a living expression of what is best for all:
a real friendship that is best for all, should not be from the perspective and starting point of 'being in the same boat/ship', stuck with each other to survive in the 'dangerous sea/world', wherein eventually the 'friends' get fed up with looking at each others faces all the time and start hating each other, making friendship the breading ground for fear and hate - but it should be from the perspective of assisting and supporting each other to look beyond the apparent limitations of the ship, to look at the ocean and to see the bigger picture of what is going on in this world and to consider such questions as 'why does there have to be a ship/life boat that includes some and excludes all others in the first place?' 'why are we sitting in our safe little ship here while there is an ocean of beings all around us that are drowning?'
Thus, I as a friend can only be true and real if and when I am unconditionally supportive of all life, as a 'friend' of all living beings, a caring, supporting factor that is unconditionally trustworthy wherein I show that I care about life through physical action in this world - to ensure that all my friends as all living beings here on earth can live a dignified life equal to the life I would want for myself.
And friendship is where I see myself in each living being, and consider all life equal and one with myself - to exist as eternal support for all life as me, within the realization that all life IS me and that which I do unto or allow to be done unto another is what I do unto and allow to be done unto me. Friendship is the commitment that I make to stand as unconditional support for all life HERE in every moment of breath, throughout eternity to bring about a world that is best for All within and as the realization that I am responsible for Creation as Reality as Myself - thus I am responsible to birth real friendship into being as a living statement of myself within and as the realization of what is necessary to be done to create a heaven on earth. Friendship is to not allow anything less from another than who they really are, one and equal with myself as who I really am as life.
Writing the Correction:
When and as i see the emotional experience of embarrassment and the thought of 'what will people think of me?' coming up in a situation, i stop and breathe - and i do not allow myself to participate and i stand up within and as the realization that the emotional experience of embarrassment is not who i really am because it is a preprogrammed protection mechanism of the ego that i have allowed to exist within and as me, and the ego of the mind is not who i really am
when and as i see the emotional experience of embarrassment coming up within me, i stop and breathe and i do not allow myself to participate but rather i use this opportunity, and i use the experience of embarrassment to stand up within myself and realize that embarrassment opens an opportunity for me to expand myself in that moment to realize that i am not the mind as the picture idea within myself of myself that i am trying to protect
i realize that i am not an idea, i am not a picture, i am not the ego, thus i do not need protection or defense as an emotional reaction of embarrassment
i take responsibility for the emotional experience of embarrassment as what i have allowed to exist within me by having allowed myself to become an ego as a lie and an illusion of separation
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