2008 zelf vergeving voor groepen

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan het farm idee van emanuel etc te beoordelen als stom omdat maite er iets over zei
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan de beoordelingen van anderen over te nemen en dan te geloven dat ik dat ben en dat het zo is










ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta overal bij iedereen te gaan willen zitten om overal een beetje aandacht te krijgen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta dan, als ik bij die mensen ben, mij stom te voelen, en mij te voelen alsof ze mij daar niet echt willen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta mij beter te vinden dan de rest
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta mezelf niet te volgen in wat ik doe maar eerder het verlangen om erbij te horen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta bij mensen te willen zijn om deel uit te maken van de 'groep'
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf niet toesta te beseffen dat ik me enkel verstoten en genegeerd kan voelen als ik geaccepteerd wil worden of verwachtingen maak in de eerste plaats
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta anderen te behandelen als kinderen en ik die overal mijn kop kom laten zien om aandacht te krijgen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te reageren op ideeen van wat 'wel leuk zou zijn om te doen'
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te geloven dat anderen mij kunnen redden
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta mij jaloers te voelen op anderen als zij samen lachen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ikmezelf toesta te geloven dat anderen altijd meer plezier beleven dan ik













ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta mezelf stom te vinden
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta iets anders te willen doen omdat ik niet met mezelf opgescheept wil zitten








ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te denken dat als de rest van de groep weg is en de laatsten er nog zijn met mij, dat ze dan het stom vinden omdat het met de rest van de groep leuker was
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te willen dat mensen zich amuseren met mij
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta , als ik ergens heenga, bij mensen, het een fijne ervaring te willen maken
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te denken dat er niets aan is als we niets doen, of heel lange gesprekken hebben etc
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta moeite te doen om gesprekken te houden
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezefltoesta moeite te doen om het fijn te maken voor iedereen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te geloven dat ik enkel plezier kan maken als de anderen plezier maken











iok vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta constant te denken en angst te hebben dat de rest zich niet aan het amuseren is
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te geloven dat het mijn verantwoordelijk heid is dat iedereen het fijn heeft omdat als dat niet zo is, accepteren ze mij mss minder
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te willen dat iedereen mij betrekt in hun zaken en wat ze doen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te willen vluchten van mezelf door te willen doen wat anderen doen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta mezelf in anderen te zoeken
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te geloven dat ik niet goed genoeg ben















ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta mijn expressie niet goed genoeg te vinden behalve als iemand anders vind van wel
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te verwachten dat anderen zo ook ineen steken















ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te geloven dat ik niet van iets kan genieten tenzij het een 'proficiat' of 'goed zo kim' of 'wauw' krijgt van anderen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te geloven dat het uitmaakt wat anderen doen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta een beeld en idee te maken van hoe anderen zich ervaren en dan jaloersheid te voelen omdat ik mij zo niet aan het ervaren ben















ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta een beeld te creeren in mijn geest van wat het betekent om alleen met mezelf te zijn en dan angst te voelen en eerder bij anderen te willen zijn
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te denken dat anderen meer zichzelf zijn dan ik
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te denken dat het moeilijk is om zelf verantwoordelijkheid op te nemen
ikv ergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta alles in beelden te gieten in mijn geest en mezelf dan te definieren a h v die beelden
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te geloven dat anderen beter zijn in dit process dan ik end at het voor hen makkelijker is omdat dat zo lijkt


















ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta en accepteerte kijken naar wat anderen doen en hoe ze zich gedragen en te denken dat ik ook zo moet zijn en doen om mezelf t zijn
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta en accepteer ons gedrag te vergelijken en daaruit af te leiden wie al meer zichzelf is en wie minder
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta en accepteer te geloven dat ik dat uit gedrag kan afleiden
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta mij te willen staven aan anderen
ikv ergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te denken dat als ik iets doe wat anderen niet doen, dat ik dan een slecht persoon ben
ikv ergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan mezelf constant in de toekomst te projecterenbij alles wat ik doe of denk te doen en daar dan gedachten gevoelens en emoties bij plakken en angst te voelen dat het niet perfect zal zijn
ikv ergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta verwachtingen te creeeren voor mezelf bij alles
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te geloven dat ik aan een beeld kan voldoen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te geloven dat ik dat beeld in de toekomst ben
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te geloven dat ik niet interessant genoeg ben om te zijn in en als elk moment
ikv ergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te geloven dat als ik me niet bezighoud met anderen , ik dan dingen mis
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta mezelf te zoeken in de goedkeuring en aandacht die ik krijg van anderen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te geloven dat ik die toekomst projectiesMOET naleven
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta werkelijk te geloven dat ik die verwachtingen ben of zelfs kan zijn


















ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta een beeld te maken van wie ik ben en dan te denken dat dat niet goed genoeg is om te zijn
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta angst te hebben om over mezelf te praten omdat het mss niet goed genoeg zal zijn
ikv ergeef mezelf dat ik mezef toesta te verwachten van andere mensen dat ze die verwachting/dat beeld tegemoet komen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te geloven dat het aan anderen ligt dat ik mij buitengesloten en stom voel
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta zoals anderen te willen zijn
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta enkel over dingen te praten waar anderen ook over praten
ikv ergeef mezelf dat ik mezefl toesta enkel dingen te doen die anderen ook doen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te geloven dat ik veilig ben als ik gewoon het voorbeeld van de wezens rondom mij volg
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta mij stom te voelen omdat de rest dat niet lijkt te hebben

ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf niet toesta te beseffen dat dit gewoon mijn systeem is en ik moet daar zelf verantwoordelijk heid voor opnemen want dit is wie IK mezelf heb toegestaan te worden
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta het niet eerlijk te vinden dat ik dit systeem heb en geen ander


ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan mezelf te definieren a h v het competitie systeem
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta een competitie te maken van zelf expressie: om ter t mooist, expressief inzichtvol blablabla
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan mijn zelf expressie afhankelijk te laten zijn van wat ik denk dat anderen zullen leuk vinden
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezefl heb toegestaan te geloven dat mijn wezen compleet afhankelijk is van anderen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta iemand te willen zijn
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan enkel iemand te zijn in de ogen van anderen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan te geloven dat het iets betekend : de ogen van anderen
ik vergeef mezelfd at ik mezelf heb toegestaan mezelf van mezelf af te scheiden door te geloven dat de ogen van anderenmij kunnen kwetsen of beinvloeden
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te geloven dat als anderen mij niet zien ik ook niet besta
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta wat anderen tegen mij zeggen te behandelen als iets dat ook gewoon aandacht nodig heeft, zoals als ik iets zeg
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta angst te hebben om mij bij de groep te voegen omdat ik eigenlijk een bepaalde indruk wil maken en aandacht wil krijgen en gebaseerd daarop denk ik dat ik mij dan zowieso stom en genegeerd en rejected ga voelen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan wat ik doe te zien vanuit alle mogelijke negatieve beoordelingen en dan angst te voelen om nog iets te doen omdat ik ervan overtuigd ben dat iedereen mij op een negatieve manier beoordeelt
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan angst te hebben van meisjes die mij gezamelijk negeren
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan angst te hebben van meisjes in groep die mij afkeuren en daar niets over zeggen maar mij 'steken onder water' geven
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan anderen ook te 'pesten' met een groep meisjes, gezamelijk
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan vb sara, annelies, lilly, karolien etc te beoordelen als stom en hen te negeren en te verstoten omdat de rest van de groep dat deed en omdat ik angst had om ook zo behandelt te worden, dus deed ik het eerst
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan angst te hebben dat mensen roddelen achter mijn rug
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan te veronderstellen dat ze dat doen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan te geloven dat in wezen iedereen dat doet, roddelen en pesten en verstoten
ik vergeef mezelfd at ik mezelf heb toegestaan het meisje, de jongen die anderen niet leuk vonden en verstootten, ook te verstoten
ik vergeef mezelfd at ik mezelf heb toegestaan niet geassocieerd te willen worden met mensen die andere mensen stom vinden want dan word ik mss ook verstoten door de groep
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan alles te willen begrijpen wat er gedaan en gezegt word in en door de groep omdat ik denk dat ik dat nodig zal hebben om erbij te horen
ik vergeef mezelfd at ik mezelf heb toegestaan de goedkeuring van de groep te gebruiken om mijn ego, dat zich altijd vergelijkt en zich beter wil voelen dan de ander, te ondersteunen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te denken dat ik ook mijn inbreng moet maken zodat de leden in de groep mij erbij zullen laten horen
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaanook te willen kunnen praten op een losse manier over mezelf zoals de rest in de groep
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta mij meer bezig te houden met hoe anderen lijken te gaan in hun proces dan met mezelf als wie ik ben
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta mij te willen laten horen als ik iets zeg en niet gewoon te spreken vanuit zelf expressie
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta als ik iets zeg te denken dat ik raad geef aan iemand en dan te geloven dat ik boven die persoon sta omdat ik hem of haar iets zeg wat ze nog niet wisten
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf heb toegestaan mij minder te voelen als iemand iets zegt wat ik niet wist of waarvan ik denk 'dat had ik nooit gekunnen' etc
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta de mensen rondom mij te gebruiken als steunpilaren voor mijn ego
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta angst te hebben dat ze ziend at ik mij schaam voor iets
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta feedback te verwachten op dingen die ik doe of zeg
ik vergeef mezelf dat ik mezelf toesta te geloven dat anderen beter zijn dan mij en beter weten waar ze mee bezig zijn en dat ik dus moet laten zien dat ik even goed ben

tot hier en niet verder:
ik ben hier ik ben ademhaling
anderen bestaan niet ik heb ze zelf gecreerd door mijn participatie in het bewustzijnssysteem als wie ik mezelf heb toegestaan te worden
ik ben hier als allen als een als gelijk
ongeacht wat anderen doen ik ben mezelf als zelf beweging
ongeacht wat anderen zeggen ik ben mezelf als zelf expressie want ik besef dat ik een en gelijk ben aan iedereen zijn gedrag enzo
ik ben het directieve principe van het leven als het leven in mezelf












ik ben zelf sturing
angst is niet wie ik ben
ik besef dat angst mij niet kan beinvloeden

2008 - Self forgiveness on Sex

sex construct
getting the bastard out!!!

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want and desire sex with boys and men

i forgive myself for allowing myself to try to obtain sex by flaunting my behaviour and body so men will notice me and will be interested in having sex with me
i forgive myself for allowing myself by presenting interesting and cute and funny and nice behaviour so men will notice me as a good woman, an interesting woman and will be interested in having sex with me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to see everything i do thru the eyes of men in my world vb gabriel paul anton jasper florian simon etc
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that i am in fact very weak and i need men to protect me and notice me
i forgive myself for allowing mysefl todesire attention from men
i forgiv emyself for allowing msyelf to desire approval as attention from men
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that when a man notice me and looks at me, i am getting their approval
i forgive myself for allowing myself to associate sex with a man looking at me
i forgive myself fo rallowin gmyself to try to look sexy
i forgive myself for allowing myself to try to come accross as humourous to get the positive attention from men
i forgive myself for allowin gmyself to want men to talk to me and show me that they are interested in me
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to try to impress men, get them to think i am a special being
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to want men to notice me and what i do and desire me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to expect from men that they want sex from me
i forgiv eyself fo rallowing myself to separate gabriel from me by desiring his attention as approval
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want gabriels attention above all else
i forgiv eyself for allowing myself to project my security strengt and self certainty on gabriel and then desiring him to have sex with me so he can give it back to me
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that i exist in the eyes of gabriel
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to believe that gabriel exist in my eyes and mind
i forgi vemyself for allown gmyself to react with exitement when gabriel looks me in the eyes
i forgiv emysefl fo rallowing msyelf to believe that it means something when gabriel looks me into my eyes
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to feel exited when gabriel agrees with something i say or do
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing msyefl to feel exited when gabriel laughs with something i say or do
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to want to impress gabriel
i forgiv meyself for allowing myself to think gabriel is impressed and interested in me when he looks or smiles at me
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to want to seem as if i am very self secure and know what i am doing
i forgiv emyself for allowing msyefl to think gabriel knows more what he is doing than i do
i forgive mysefl for allowing myself to see everything i do thru his approving eyes
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to separate myself from gabriel by fearing his 'negative' judgement
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to fear gabriel seeing that i am pathetic for doing everything to get attention
i forgiv emysefl for allowing myself to not realise that i am the only one finding me pathetic
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to find me pathetic for allowing myself to be so controlled by the sex system
i forgive myself for allowing myself to restrict me as self expression by judging things i do as pathetic because all i see in it is 'looking for attention'
i forgive myself for allowing myself to judge someone who is looking for attention as pathetic
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that i only see myself in all and everyone around me, even gabriel
i forgiv emyself for allowin gmyself to define myself according to 'wanting to impress men'
i forgive myself fo rallowin gmyself to separate myself as strengt security and directness from myself by projecting it onto men
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear showing myself as strengt security and directness in front of men like gabriel because they probably wont appreciate that in a woman, they wont judge that as attractive
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to look back on my behaviour and feel good about it when i think it got the attention from gabriel or paul
or anton, jasper, florian simon etc
i forgiv emyself for allowng myself to truly believe that this is me and therefore feel ashamed about acting and reacting in this way
i forgive myself for allowing myself to make an image of gabriel and a definition of him based on the image i see of him in my world and the reactions i as my mind have towards that image
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear gabriel judging me as annoying and boring
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to judge my behaviour as annoying and boring because i m reacting in constant fear of doing something that might be judged as stupid and unattractive
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that they will eventually hate me for it, 'at first it was kinda sweet and funny, but now it s like 'alright already''
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to hate myself for my silent and still behaviour
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to want to behave according to what i think men expect from a decent woman
i forgive myself for allowing myself to let me be controlled in what i do and say and who i am by the fear of not being liked by men
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that i need gabriel
i forgive mysefl for allowin gmysefl to judge gabriel as more important than who i really am
i forgiv emysefl for allowing myself to judge attention from men as more important than who i really am here
breath
i forgive myself for allowing myself to be consumed by the fear of not being liked rather than embracing it
i forgive myself for allowing myself to think that what i do isnt good enough unless it is seen and judged by men
i forgiv myself for allowing myself to think that who i am isnt good enough unless i am seen and judged by men
i forgive myself for allowing myself to create a definition of myself based on how i judge my own behaviour and then see it thru the eyes of men, gabriel, and then believe this definition to be who i really am
i forgiv emyself for allowisng myself to try to imagine what gabriel would think or how he would react reading this
i forgive myself for allowing myself to care about reactions and thoughts feelings and emotions from men over me





i forgiv emyself for allowin gmyself to separate gabriels thoughts feelings and emotions from me by fearing and desiring them
i forgiv emyself for not allowing myself to realise that all reactions are my own, all interpretations are my own
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to, when i saw gabriel get out of bed in his underwear as the first image i saw when i woke, react with exitement and thoughts of sex as the first thought and feeling i experienced when i woke, and then let that image and thought direct me and control me throughout the day
i forgiv emyself for not having allowed myself to clear myself from all reactions immediately, no matter how insignificant they may seem
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to react with exitement and thoughts of sex and touching in my mind when seeing gabriel in his underwear
i forgiv emysefl for having allowed myself to separate gabriel from myself by judging him according to his body
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to use gabriels body to fulfill a judgement that my mind needs to sustain itself
i forgiv emyself for having allowe dmyself to doubt posting this because others might find it too straightforward
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to fear being completely open and straightforward about myself toward others because they might experience it as offencive
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to do what men tell me to do
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to believe that what men do, like anton, is always the best thing to do

i forgiv emysel f for having allowed myself to think about and want gabriel to react with jealousy when he would read that last forgiveness where i said 'anton' instead of 'gabriel'
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to give my power away to possible and imagined reactions and judgements over what i do
and say by men
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to define gabriel as self assured strong powerful by associating that with his body
i forgi vemyself for having allowed myself to desparately want to get this sex program out so i can feel free

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear that i am doing sf from my mind and not really hitting the point
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to constantly project myself into the future based on fears from previous moments
shit
i forgiv emyself fo r allowing myself to judge myself and define myself according to stupid and dumb and boring and weak and therefore want men , with their image that i judge as smart and strong, to give me attention so i can react to that by feeling approved of
so i can at least feel strong and smart
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to believe that gabriel and other men are smarter than me
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear just doing what i do from myself as myself because it might be judged as stupid and dumb and annoying and boring
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to separate leila from myself by juding her as a pretty woman and associating the way she looks with strength and confidence
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to judge my own appearance as stupid and dumb and associate that with weakness and stupidity and believe therefore that i am less than leila and that she is stronger and better than me
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to feel jealousy towards leila and to want to be like her
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to talk to gabriel in a way that he might find fun and nice and that he would feel comfortable with out of fear of not being approved of and then always feeling stupid after i said something out of this fear
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to want approval from matti as positive attention and confirmation
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to separate leila from myself by reacting to her with fear that she does not like me
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to feel uneasy around her because i fear she does not approve of my presence
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that leila feels annoyed by my behaviour and judges it as stupid
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to judge leila as a confident and direct woman who could see right thru my pretending game
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to be friends with maite leila and ann to assure myself that i am a good woman
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to pretend to be just as self assured and direct as i see leila ann and maite
i forgive mysefl for allowing msyefl to judge me as less than them because i have allowed myself to be controlled by these fears and have pretended to not experience it but to be confident about myself and tried to be like them so i could be liked by them
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear ann leila and maite judging me as too outspoken and expressive
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to judge them as mean when they dont seem to notice me in their behaviour or when they dont talk to me
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to think they hate me for not talking and not noticing them seemingly sometimes
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to want to make small talk to make the fear go away so i could feel accepted and approved of
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to believe that i am separate from leila because of the difference in appearance
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear saying something to leila that she will judge as stupid or ignorant or annoying
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to constantly fear i have said something annoying or stupid and constantly want to ask 'that wasnt stupid, was it?', or ' do you feel bothered by what i said?', to assure me and comfort me and take away the fear by believing that she sees me as good and smart
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to want to do what the woman, ann leila jozien maite, around me do so i can fit in
i forgiv emyself for allowing msyefl to believe that i am a lousy person if i do not 'fit in' or conform to the behaviour of woman around me
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to always act as if i am very self confident and strong because i want other women around me to judge me that way, as i judge them
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to feel ashamed that women would see that i ajust and change my behaviour so men would notice me
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that if i dont look or seem like women around me, i am a bad person
i forgiv emyself for react to women with fear of not being accepted and approved and react to men with desire of being noticed
i forgive myself fo r allowing myself to want to seem weak towards men and want to seem strong toward women
i forgi ve myself for allowing myself to want women to take me into their 'group' , to like me and trust me and want to be my best friend
i forgi vemyself fo rallowing myself to believe that the woman around me, like leila maite and ann, are better than me
i forgiv emysle ffo rallowing mysefl to feel jealousy towards leila ann and maite and jozien for doing what they do and apparantly having what they have, like 'good looks'
i forgi vemyself fo rallowing myself for allowing myself to believe that my 'friends' like karolien kristien hannah julie en katrien look better than me and therefore are better than me
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to define myself according to a woman
i forgive myself for allowing myself to hold back in my self expression around women because they might judge it as weird and stupid and weak
i forgiv emysel ffo r allowing myself to judge women as weak when i see them acting different around a man, more 'feminine' and soft
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to judge women who i see acting more soft and 'feminine' around men, as stupid and ridiculous
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to want to seem strong and confident rather than be it as life as who i am as all as one as equal
i forgiv emysef for allowing myself to want to impress people with who i apparantly am therefore allowing myself to be an impression and an appearance and not life but an illusion
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to judge myself as less than leila maite and ann because they appearantly dont feel the sex construct quite like i do, they appear to feel quite at ease with who they are around men
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to interact with women so i can feel validated
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear not interacting with women because i fear being and feeling rejected
i forgi vemyself for alloiwng myself to not realise that i am the only one making me feel rejected by allowing myself to place my sel facceptance in the hands of others around me
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to separate myself from those around me by noticing them
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to separate myself from those arounf me by wanting to seem cool and stuff
i forgiv emyself for allowing mysefl to pretend to be cool and stuff
i forgiv emyself for allowin gmyself to fear others seeing that i am all pretends
i forgi vemyself fo rallowing myself to try to show others that i am in complete control just like i believe they are

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to trust the judgements and definitions i make of those around me

i forgi vmyself for allowing myself to try to reach a certain judgement with those around me by my behaviour
i forgive myself for allowisng myself to judge those around me as very open and gentle and funny and friendly people who are seemingly perfect
i forgiv emyself for arllowing myself to want to reflect that seeming perfection back to them thru my behaviour
i forgiv myself for allowing myself to feel ashamed of who and what i ve allowed myself to become because i believe that they see me completely , they see right thru the facade
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to say things to be liked or noticed, bu t not from myself
i forgi vmyself for allownig myself to fear throwing a tantrum around them because they might reject me
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to fear 'losing' my perceived control over my behaviour around those around me
because then i might lose them
and their approval over me

i forgiv emyself for allownig mysefl to fear 'failing', to fear being judged as 'oh my god, weird'
i forgive myself for allowing myself to try to avoid people talking about me negatively behind my back, like' wtf is up with kim lately'
i forgi vmeyslef fo r having allowe dmyself to believe that those around me see me as the perfect image i try to portray
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear conflict and confrontation and therefore try to hold on to the image and definition of perfection of me i hold in my mind as separate from myself as who and what i have allowed myself to become
i forgiv myself for having allowed myself to try and want people to think and believe, when they see my behaviour, that i am 'one of them', perfectly self realised
i forgiv emyslef for allowing myself to believe that this process will go smoothly and perfectly
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to define myself according to the construct of perfection
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to judge myself as better than the ones that others talk 'negatively'about, like 'wtf is up with...'
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to hope no one ever talks about me in that way
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to truly believe that i can be better than anyone based on what i say or do
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to want people to talk positively about me behind my back
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear people being 'fake' towards my face and then behind my back 'gossip' about me
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that i dont gossip about people
i forgi vmyself for having allowe dmyself to deny that i gossip about people because i judge gossiping as something negative and thus less than me
i forgiv myself for allowing myself to fear all of the 'negativity' in me coming out


i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to suppress every 'negative' aspect of me because i wanted to be found and judged as perfect
i forgi vemyself for having allowe dmyself to deny the absolute self dishonest nature of this entire existence by believing that people around me are perfect
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to deny my absolute self dishonest nature by believing that i am perfect
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to want to fit in by acting friendly and nice
by acting like a sweet person
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear my absolute self dishonest nature
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear gabriel ann paul maite leila not liking me any more because of me suddenly going 'bad'





i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to judge 'talking about myself ' as bad because i used to judge for exsample katrien for it, like 'she s talking only about herself again'
i forgiv emyself for allwoing myself to want attention by talking about myself
i forgiv meyslef forallownig msyelf to want approval by talking about myself
and therefore fear others not liking me when i do it
i forgiv emyslef for allowing myself to fear coming across as mean by what i say
i forgiv meyself for allowing myselfto fear others thinking i say something only to hurt them
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear coming across as pretentious
i forgive myself for allowing myself to secretly find me better than the other based on the comparing i make between what we do and say
i forgiv emyslef for allowing myself to want others to believe that i am in fact very sweet and unjudgemental
i forgiv emyslef for allowing myself to believe that ann leila gabriel paul and maite are sweet and friendly and nice people


i forgive myself for allowing myself to act and react towards them, wanting and expecting them to see and judge my behaviour
i forgi vemyslef for allowing myself to believe that they are acting and reacting towards me and to take everything personal, like when gabriel looks at me or when leila says something to me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to judge everything i say as petronising towards others
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to say things only to be found funny and great and wonderful
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that others are the same way
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to feel ashamed of my behaviour because i believe that i see people react to me with thinking that i am patronising them
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that in fact i am better than them.
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to yet constantly want them to go 'way to go, kim', 'well done' and 'good job'
i forgiv emylse ffor allowing myself to believe that they expect the same from me , constantly wanting and needing complements





i forgiv emyself for allowing mysefl to want to talk about my experiences so i can achieve them accepting me or approving of me
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to fear them seeing i am not perfect
i forgiv eymyself for allowing myself to separate myself from them by expecting them to notice my behaviour and what i say and approve it
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to actually fear stepping down from my pedestal because i might realise that i was never better, that i was the one who was expecting things from them and looking down on them
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to imagine me telling and talking about my experience with whatever to others so they can go 'wauw'
i forgi vemysle ffo rallowing myself to believe that they actually hate me because they see that i only want their approval and compliments
i forgiv emyself forallowing myself to fear looking like an idiot
i forgiv emyslef for allowing myself to judge the others as idiots for their expressions
i forgive myself for allowing myself to separate them from myself by believing that i am the only one in this system

i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to not just do things for me as me but only for approval
i forgiv emyself fo rallowin gmyself to limit myself as self expression because i fear others being bothered with me
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear saying something stupid
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to speak to others instead of realising i m only speaking to myself
i forgiv emyself for allowin gmyself to feel exited and tense when speaking to others because what i say is only in function of wanting to be approved of


i forgi ve mysel ffo rallowing myself to imagine the reactions of others towards what i did or will do and want them to be 'positive'
i forgi vemylse ffo rallowin gmyself to judge people looking at me in my eyes as positive
i forgive myself for allowing myself to judge people smiling at me as positive
i forgi ve myself for allowing myself to see myself always in interaction with others















i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to fear leila maite gabriel ann paul etc reading my blog like they said because i might feel embarassed for having felt and reacted that way to gabriel
i forgiv emyself fo rallowng myself to feel embarassed about my self honesty because others might now see me as silly and ridiculous
i forgive myslef for allowing myself to believe that my self honesty depends on how others react towards it
i forgive myself for allowing msyelf to beleive that it need them
i forgi ve myself fo rallowing myself to believe that i need their approval
i forgi ve myself for not allowing myself to approve of myself unconditionally as i am here as i am breath
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to react with exitement and fear when leila said they will read my blog all together because i feel embarassed about my self honesty
i forgi ve myself fo rallowing myself to define myself as cool or smart or self honest or self realised and therefore fearing other humans not supporting that definition by possibly judging me as silly and stupid
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to even want approval about my brutal self honesty
i forgi vmeysle ffor allowing msyefl to just make a new definition of myself now as 'more self realised', 'more at ease', 'more self honest'

i forgive myself for not allowing msyelf to just go with the flow
i forgi vemyself for not allowing msyefl to realise myself as the flow
i forgiv emyself for not allowing myself to realise myself as one and equal to every reaction conceivable
i forgiv emyslef for not allowing msyelf to realise that i am self forgiveness so reactions cannot influence me
i forgi vemyself for allowing msyefl to trade in myself as breath for the feeling of exitement and fear
i forgi vmeysle fforallowing msyelf to even assume that there exist anything outsid of breath, that i can be anything other than breath

i forgiv emyslef for allowing myself to believe thati am a definition that depends on how others around me react to me
i forgive myself for allowin gmyself to want to do this as fast as possible so we can go for a walk like they said they were gonna do because i said i will need just ten more minutes
i forgi vemysle ffor allowin gmyself to fear pissing them off
i forgi vmeyself for allowing myself to instill fear in me by thinking i have to do something so others can be pleased
i forgiv emysel ffo rallwoing msyefl to bow to the desires and wanting s and likings of the humans around me just so i can get that approval and i can feel like i am ok
i forgiv emyself for allowin gmyself to strive for that 'perfect' image of me in other humans' minds
i forgiv emysle ffo rallowin gmyself to believe that i am that, whatever it is that is in their minds
i forgivemysle ffo rallowing myself to believe that things need to happen according to the way those humans around me want it to happen
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe i am nothing and no one without this group of people showing me that they approve of what i do by acting nice and friendly towards me: smiling and looking at me etc
i forgiv emysel ffor allowing myself to feel tense when thinking about what others want and me possibly not living up to that wanting
i forgiv meyslef for trying to avoid them getting pissed at me in secret the way i get pissed at others in secret
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that hate can influence me
i forgivemysle ffor r allowing msyelf to separate hate andanger and frustration from myself by fearing it
i forgivemysel ffor allwing myseflto separate fear from myself by fearing it

i forgiv emyself for allowing msyefl to fear confrontation with looks of people that might indicate that they are bothered by what i do or dont do
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to expect them to like me
i forgiv emyself for allowin gmyself to believe i can be liked
i forgiv emysel ffo rallowing myself to like or dislike people for what they do or dont do



























i forgi vemysel ffo rallowing myself to not realise that all of these humans are in my mind as a movie i scripted for myself thru my allowed participation in and as the mind consciousness system
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear them seeing me as disturbing and stupid
i forgiv meyself fo rallowing myself to feat them thinking shit about me
i forgi vmyself for having allowed myself to define myself according to the definition i have made in and as my mind and therefore now fear this definition turning against me










i forgiv meysel ffor allowing myself to fear feeling uncomfortable around them because i believe that they dont like me any more





i forgi vmeyel ffo rallowi gmysefl to fear the whole 'group' turning against me in subtle behaviour like 'dirty looks'





















i forgiv emyself fo rallowing mysefl to beleive that these people arent responsible for their own reactions
i forgiv emysel ffor allowing msyefl to believe i am not responsible for my own world, but rather expect others to keep liking and approving of me so i can feel good about myself
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that they need that too and therefore act in a sertain 'approving' way towards them
i foriv emyself for allowisng msyefl to see life as an exchange of approval between humans as separated from each other
i forgiv emyself for allowing mysefl to believe i can know where others are in their process
i forgi vmeysel ffo rallowing mysefl to want to adapt to them because i want them to understand what i do
i forgi vmyself for allowing myself to want others to understand me
i forgive myselffor allowing myself to want others to 'take care of me' by giving me attention
i forgiv emyself for allowin gmyself to do things 'for others'
i forgiv e myself fo rallowing myself to believe i cannot possibly like myself and so i need others to do that for me









i forgi vemysel ffor allowing myself to build up a 'social network' based on ideas and definitions of others to support my definition so i do not feel alone so i dont have to like myself
i forgiv emyself for allownig msyefl to fear being alone
i forgiv emyself for allowing mysefl to make an image of me being alone and fear that i will be feeling rejected and then feel fear here about some future possible projection
i forgi vemyself fo rallowin gmyself to cling to others because i fear being alone
i forgiv emyself fo rallwoing msyefl tot believe that being accepted by others is the only thing that matters in my life
i forgiv emyself for allowin gmyself to fear being judged as an egoist
i forgi vemyeslf for allowing msyefl to think i have to spend time with leila maite gabriel an and paul because i am here in their house and all i seem to do is type













i forgi vemyeslf fo rallowing msyelf to think there are unspoken rules i have to follow because they might expect things of me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to not realise myself as one and equal with not only my emotions and thoughts and feelings but also the possible emotions thoughts and feelings of others around me






i forgive myself fo rallowng mysefl to want peace of mind by thinking that the people around me like having me around and are ok with my presence
























i forgi vemysefl for allowing myself to find interaction with others more important than interaction with myself

i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear seeming stupid when i say something
i forgi vemysel ffo rallowisn myself to want to sound and seem smart with what i say
i forgi vemyself fo rallowin gmyself to think i dont know what i would do as myself
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to think i am around other humans now
i forgi vemysel ffor allowing msyelf to believe that being around others is different then being alone
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to react to humans with fear




i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to judge certain situations as uncomfortable and weird
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to prepare myself to possible confrontations in the future
i forgi vemysel ffor allowing myself to hate myself for not spending time with leila maite gabriel ann and paul and only sitting in front of the pc, writing and sometimes eating
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to fear them thinking that i am only using them and i dont really care about them
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to feel insecure about what i do because it might be judged by others as bothersome




i forgive myself for allowin gmyself to believe that if i were to suddenly act more 'lose' i would be failing, because i would be showing that how i behaved before, was not really me
i forgi vemyself fo rallowing myself to see myself as behaviour
i forgi vemyself fo r allowing myself to believe i have to act more lose to show everyone i have changed and i am cool
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to expect myself to fit in
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to expect myself to feel good about myself in the future
i forgi vemyself fo rallowing myself to expect others to show me they like me
i forgi veyself for allowing myself to project myself way into the future based on thoughts feelings and emotions and especially fears of the past






i forgi vemysel ffo rallowing myself to define myself according to all the things i have done and all the feelings i ve felt etc because i think others do that too
i forgiv emyself for allowing msyefl to deny who i truly am: here, only here, as breath
i forgi vemyself fo allowing msyefl to believe that i exist in the future
i forgi ve myself for allowing myself to fear others
i forgiv emyself for allowin gmyself to expect things of them and therefore fear their expression towards me possibly being not adding up to my expectancies










till here and no further:

i am one and equal to ann
i am one and equal to leila

















i am one and equal to gabriel

i am one and equal to maite
i am one and equal to paul
i am one and equal to my human physical body though not defined by it
i am one and equal to their human physical bodies though not defined by it
i am not part of a group i am alone








i cannot save myself
i will not save myself or even try to
i cannot not face certain emotions thoughts and feelings
all is revealed
all is here
i cannot be liked
i am
i cannot be noticed
i cannot be approved of
i do not approve of others
i am not definable
i am not meen
i am not egoist
i am not nice
i am not pleasant
i dont have to be pleasant
i dont have to conform
i dont have to be another
i dont have to hurry up to do something for another
i have no expectancies
others have no expectancies
i can only be disappointed in myself if i have expectancies
i do not hid e my thoughts or fight them
i do not fight the thoughts from others or try to protect myself from them
they are my own
irealise this








all is me here
as i am here as i am breath
no avoiding no fixing no approving or disapproving
no missing a single breath
no avoiding confrontation, all is confrontation
i realise this
i am here










i embrace the fear
though the fear is not who i am
an dothers are not who i thing they are
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to believe that things can be how i expect or want them to be
i forgi vemyself fo rallowin gmyself to believe i can predict the future
i realise that i am here, one and equal to the future
i am not my past i am here









i am not separation
within breath all are one as me

2008 jealousy self forgiveness

jealousy and wanting to be able to do things that others do or even be who others are, as defined by me as behaviour and what i see of others.
i have a lot of jealousy, because i believe i need others. so i try to live up to expectations i have of me in their eyes as separated from me as who i ve allowed myself to become.

i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to feel jealous when seeing something someone does or says that gets positive feedback from others

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want positive feedback from others

i forgiv emyself for allowign msyelf to want to wow others
i forgive myself for allowing msyelf to believe i need other humans to accept me and therefore i need to prove myself worthy
i forgvie myself fo rallowing myself to think i have to be as 'self realised' as matti or marlen before i go to the farm because otherwise i will not be assisted by my visit, since i m still too locked in the mind

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself for allowing myself to doubt myself
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to believe that there is a certain way things are supposed to happen

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that certain things, like visiting the farm, will assist me more than other things

i forgive myself fo rallowing msyelf to believe i need the visit to give me vital info conserning process otherwise i ll miss out

i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear i ll miss out on points in this process

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear taking full self responsability because i might not be doing it right

i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to believe that i need bernard and desteni to make it in this process because i think bernard said something like that once

i forgive msyelf for allowing msyelf to think i have to go out of my way to get things happening for me because apparantly i need it for my process

i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to not realise that what must happen will happen
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to believe that something can go wrong or can be a mistake

i forgive myself for allowing myself to create a set path of experiences for me in this process and believe that that is the way things are supposed to go

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe i can foresee and predict what will most likely happen in the future, even in the next moment

i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to reject certain experiences by believing that it is not supposed to happen to me in this process

i forgiv emyself fo r not allowing msyelf to realise that i create every single experience in this world as me to assist me in this process as me

i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to depend on bernard and others to tell me what needs to be done

i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to believe that i m too swallowed up in the system that i cannot see for myself and i cannot trust merely myself but i need desteni to get me thru this process

i forgive myself for allowing myself to not step and walk this process as me here

i forgive myself for allowing myself to walk this process within and as images and fears in and of my mind as separated from me as who i ve allowed myself to become

i forgiv emyslef for allowing myself to feel jealousy towards humans that seem to know better what to do than me

i forgive myself for allowing msyelf to believe that there are beings that know better what to do than me

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to avoid taking self responsability by looking at others in my world and thinking they have it better than me or they are stronger than me

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that this process is taking me somewhere

i forgiv emyself fo ralloiwng myself to believe i dont have what it takes to get there

i forgive myself for allowing myself to see process as a race to wards something

i forgiv emyself for notallowing myself to just let go of all preconceived ideas and constructs in my mind to realise i am here, all of me, as all as one as equal

i forgive myself for notallowing msyelf to realise that that is what it is all about: letting go of all ideas and constructs right here as who i am

i forgive myself for not allowign msyelf to realise that breath is truly all it takes, all else is of the mind and is not who i am

i forgive myself for allowign msyelf to make something 'bigger' than breath of this process
i forgive myself forallowing myself to drag others into my process, only avoiding myself as alone

i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise all is in process, alone, individually , so i am here alone

i forgive myself for allowing myself to even consider the possibility of believing that i can be compared to another in this process
i forgive myself for allowing myself to even consider the possibility of believing that i can be compared to another in my self expression

i forgive myself for allowing myself to deny myself as all as one as equal to all expressions and all processes as me here

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to be 'with the self realised crowd'
i forgive myself for allowing myself to make a better-worse polarity game of this process

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to impress other humans in this process, only avoiding that i am alone and only trying to impress myself as separated from myself because i refuse to take self responsability

i forgive myself for allowing myself to create images in my mind of what it means to take self responsability and then believe that taking self responsability is hard and difficult

i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that self responsability is breath as who i am
i am breath, that is it

i forgive myself for allowing myself tonot want others to judge me the same as i judge them: as less than them if they see i m still self dishonest

i forgive myself for allowing myself to rather deny who i ve allowed myself to become so others may accept me than me accepting myself unconditionally within realising i am all as one as equal

i forgiv emyself for allowign myself to believe i can see self honesty or self dishonesty in others
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that all is a reflection projection of myself as who i ve allowed myself to become as separation as system

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to try and destract myself from breath by thinking and believing that the thoughts and feelings and emotions of my past is really who i am

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that others expect things of me

i forgive myself for allowing myself to make images of others in my mind, thus expecting these beings to be the way i imagine them to be

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that i am the only one changing

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to think that change matters, that definitions matter or are real for that matter

i forgiv emyself mfor allowing myself to hold onto the definitions because i believe i will be alone if i let go

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to create an image in my mind of what it means being alone and then fear it thru fear of losing myself as who i ve defined myself as system

i forgiv emyself for not allowing myself to be merely here as who i am, completely unconditionally

i forgive myself for allowing myself to suppress my self dishonest nature as who i ve allowed myself to become around others, like desteni people, because i want them to accept me

i forgive myself for allowing myself to hold onto the idea that i ve had my entire system life, that i need others to accept me, therefore i need to act like someone else, someone that others might like and accept


i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to create expectations of who i m supposed to be around others to show them i am worthy of them accepting me

i forgive myself for allowing myself to hold myself back in my self expression because i believe that there are things that others rather not see or hear

i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear being judged as 'wrong' and disruptive
i forgiv emyslef for allowing myself to fear being rejected for my self expression

i forgiv emyself for not allowing msyelf to realise that i am the only one who can reject me as i have allowed myself to reject others as me within separation of me as who i ve allowed myself to become

i forgive myself for allowing myself to make an image of how things will be on the farm or how things are now with matti on the farm and believe this image to be true
i forgiv emyself for not allowign myself to realise that it is all here, whether i am there with bernard and them or here alone, i am always alone

i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to see my trip to the farm as help and helpfull

i forgiv emyself for allowign myself to turn to others to tell and show me how things are done in this process

i forgiv emyself for allowing msyelf to believe things are done in process
i breathe , i am breath
i am here

i forgiv emyself for not allowign myself to realise that process has no purpose, it is not going anywhere, i face all of me here

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that who i have allowed myself to be in the past is even slightly better than who i really am as breath

i forgiv emyself for not allowing myself to realise that i cant possibly know who i really am as breath as i ve never been myself , truly myself

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to fear facing others as me as judgement that i ve allowed myselft o place on them as me within separation of me as who i ve allowed myself to become

i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to not live up to the expectations of others and disappointing others in me

i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to believe i am a disappointment if i do not live up to expectations of others

i forgive myself for allowing myself to try to be and force myself into being someone i am not just to try and evoque the feeling in me that i am accepted for my expression

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to want to think that others think i am a good person


i forgive myself for allowing myself to support my system aswell as others systems in trying and wanting to live up to others expectations

i forgiv emyself for allowign myself to think that i am too weak to be alone around others in my self expression

i forgive myself for not allowing msyelf to realise that i s system talk, the system is weak, i as life am unconditionally myself, here as strength as sertainty as life within myself

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to look at who others are and believe that i have to be able to do what they do or say what they say in order to be 'good ' in process

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to give my power and self responsability away to others by expecting them to validate me in my process

i forgiv emyslef for allowign myself to believe that process is behaviour or how something seems

i forgiv emyself for not allowign msyeflf to realise that it is impossible for another to validate me in and as who i truly am, only i can do that

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to separate my self certainty and self security from myself by believing that others are more self certain and self secure than i am
i forgiv emyself for not allowing myself to decide for me as myself what is necessairy to be done but to look at what others do and then believe that i must be able to do that too to be a good person

i forgiv emyself for allowing msyelf to believe that i do not know what is necessairy to be done

i forgiv emyslef for allowing myself to fear walking in and as absolute self trust by constantly comparing myself to others in the desire of being better than them

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that self certainty can be seen in behaviour etc

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to behave in a self certain way to make others believe that i am that

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to place more trust in how i might seem than in who i am as self trust

i forgiv emyself for allowin gmsyelf to feel tension when i know i will meet desteni people by thinking i have to make a good impression

i forgiv emyself for allwoing msyefl to believe i am meeting pictures and images

i forgiv emyself for nota llowign myself to realise that i am meeting myself unconditionally
there is nothing to fear or to prepare
i am here as all as one as equal

i forgiv emyslef fo rlalowin gmyself to believe that they all have images of me in their minds and i must live up to those images

i forgiv emyself for allowing msyefl to fear letting people down

i forgive myself for allowing myself to hold onto the images with thoughts feelings and emotions of the desteni people in my mind by believing that this is who these people are

i forgiv emyself for not allowing myself to realise i only do that because istill see myself as a picture

i forgiv emyself for allowing msyelf mtom believe that i need these people for something therefore i must leave a good and pleasant impression of myself

i forgiv meyself fo rlalowin gmsyelf to make expectations of how things are supposed to go and then fear failing in living up to that expectation
i forgiv emyslef for allowing msyelf tmo project myself into the future and believ e that that projection is true and what is going to happen

i forgi vemyself for allowing msyelf to think it matters what will or wont happen
i forgive myself for allowing msyefl to judge these humans as more important than others because they are in process like me

i forgi vmeyslef for lalowing msyelf to judge us all as 'in process' therefore need validation from them to also see me as 'in process'

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that these humans are better than me and i must respect their judgement and what they do or say

i forgi ve myself fo rallowing myself to think there are things that are expected of me to do when in a group

i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear being rejected or feeling rejected by a group

i forgi vmeyslef fo r allowing mysel fot fear fear

i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe that if someone feels better than me, i must feel worse or less than them

i forgi vmeylsef fo rallowin gmyself to believe that if i feel better than a being, that that being is then worse or less than me

i forgi vemylsef for lalowi gnmyself to think that i dont know these people
i forgiv myself for allowing myself to believe it is scary meeting people that i dont or barely know

i forgi veymslef for allowing myself to separate them from me by not realising that i am here as all as one as equal and by anticipating fear when meeting them

i forgiv emyslef for allowing msyefl to hold onto 'social rules' when around beings

i forgiv meyself for not allowing myself to realise that i am ruling myself by thinking i have to hold onto rules when with another

i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to believe that it is possible for another to approve or disapprove of my self expression
i forgiv emyslef for not allowing myself to realise that i only fear disapproval because i m trying to be someone i m not, which needs approval
i forgiv emyslef fo rallowin gmsyelf to hold me back in self expression because i judge free self expression often as intrusive and ridiculous and failed
i forgiv emyself for allowing msyelf to believe that this judgement over my self expression is bigger than me, bigger than life itself


tillhere and no furthur:
i as life do not need approval
i dont need to be self dishonest to be accepted
self acceptance is not a feeling
it is who i am
as all as one as equal
i am self expression as all as one as equal
alone
there exist no one else in self expression
i do not need to please another
i do not need to please myself
i am pleasure as life within myself
as breath
no pictures
no mind
no thoughts no feelings no emotions no judgements no separations no better no worse

2008 appearance self forgiveness

i have a big point: my appearance, i dont like it, in fact i hate it
i find my appearance really strange and unfeminine. i have this quite long hair on my upper lip and on my chin the hair i pulled out and i have little hard hairs and it irritates me when i touch it.
and i touch it all the time, and i try to pull it out all the time. reluctantly. i used to pull out the hair on my head when i was about 10 years old, i had a little bald spot at the front of my head then, now it s still more curly and frizzy hair on that spot.
i do it compulsively, because it really bothers me that it is there and i m also feeling the hair on my lip aswell almost the whole time, like checking it s still there. although that i kindof like because that hair is softer and not so 'abnormal' as the hair on my chin.
i feel very abnormal and ugly and weird and i always assume that people will simply reject me because of my appearance. i m especially afraid of 'facing ' humans of my age, peer group because they make up my ego for big part with the relationship forming. i think they ll not really want to have anything to do with me or wont really want to hug me or something because they ll be so disgusted by me. ...yes i bet that s just me.
i still really want to remove the hair, because i want to be accepted and liked and found normal and want other humans to like me and approve of me.
but i know that as me i neednt do that i need to accept myself unconditionally so i will be able to stand as me no matter what no matter where no matter with who.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel ashamed about talking about my bodily hair because i feel ashamed that i have that
i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel ashamed about having longer hair on my face where a woman is, according to society standards, not supposed to have hair
or not that long
i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel ashamed that i have longer hair on my upper lip
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to feel ashamed that i have longer hair on my chin
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to feel ashamed of referring to the hair as beard and moustache
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that everyone finds this a touchy subject and expects me to feel shame about it
i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel ashamed for the hair on my legs because it is quite long and black
i forgivemyself for allowing myself to feel ashamed about my bodily hair because it is very intimate
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to feel ashamed about talking openly about personal matters
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to not want others to see i feel embarassed about my appearance
i forgi vemyself for allowing myself to believe that other humans when seeing me, notice the hair and immediately find me weird and abnormal
i forgive myself for allowingmyself to judge myself as weird and abnormal and desgusting because of the hair on my upper lip and chin
i forgive myself fo rallowing myself to want to look normal, like an average girl seen in magazines or on tv: normal
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to judge other girls as more normal than me because they dont have that facial hair like i do
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that other girls are more acceptable and accepted than me because they dont have the facial hair that i do
i forgivemyself for allowing myself to want to look attracktive for men and believe that i am not attractive this way
i forgiv emyself fo rallowing myself to fear above all that men will judge me as abnormal and ugly and disgusting
i forgivemyself for allowing myself to fear men and boys judging me as a freak because of my facial hair
i forgive myself fo rallowingmyself to want to be accepted by other humans therefore want to look acceptable
i forgiv emyself forallowingmyself to judge other girls as more acceptable than me because they look more average
i forgiv emyself for allowingmyself to judge humans based on the way their appearance compares to the norm
i forgive myself fo rallowingmyself to judge humans that look like most as normal and acceptable and humans that look different as abnormal and unacceptable
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to find humans disgusting based on the way they look
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge humans with something about their appearance that is unlike most people, as not acceptable
i forgive myself fo rallowingmyself to judge katia as abnormal and unacceptable because she wore glasses and mickey mouse clothes
i forgive myself fo r having allowed myself to judge lien as abnormal and disgusting because she had a perm because of her thin hair and she always changed her hair
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge lien as disgusting and ridiculous because she wanted to fix her appearance but it was, in my eyes, failed
i forgiv emyself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge lien as ridiculous and unacceptable because my friend told me that she had a rash on her vagina
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to laugh at her because my friends and other humans judged her as stupid and weird
i forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to judge karolien stroobants as ugly and ridiculous because of her facial expression and the fact that she had a bump on her back because her breasts were too heavy
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to laugh at her because others did that aswell
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to laugh at wannes and judge him as ridiculous because of the way that he walked and talked because everyone did
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge wannes as abnormal and weird and unacceptable
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to feel superior towards wannes because all the other humans did not accept him, therefore i didnt either

i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to feel superior towards katia and annelies and sarah and christophe because they were not accepted by all the other class mates so i didnt either
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to feel superior towards karolien because she was not accepted by my friends so neither did i
i forgiv emyself for havingallowed myself to feel superior towards lien because she was not accepted by my friends so neither did i
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge lilly as ridiculous because of the way she laughed and the way she talked and walked and because she was so small
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to judge lilly as abnormal and unacceptable because the other class mates and my friends did
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to feel superior towards lilly because she was not accepted by the others so neither did i
i forgiv emyself for having allowed myself to fear being laughed at and found ridiculous by others like that , like the way i laughed at others
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that it is really bad for a woman to have long facial hair
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to want to be presentable for a man to find me attractive
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want women to accept and approve me because of the way i look, my picture presentation
i forgive myself for allowing myself to respect women that look like most women and women in magazines and on tv more than women that dont
i forgiv emyself fo r having allowed myself to want to look like the people in the magzaines and on tv because they get all of the attention
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want to get attention because of the way i looked and dressed
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want to look special
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to think i look very masculine
i forgiv emyeslf for allowing msyelf to believe it is very bad for a woman to look masculine
i forgiv emsyelf for allowing myself to judge cross dressers or transvestites as ridiculous and weird and abnormal
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to disapprove of transvestites and transsexuals
i forgive myself for allowing myself to not accept myself because i believe that other humans dont accept me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to not like myself becuase i believe that other humans dont like me because of the way i look
i forgive myself for allowing myselft to separate myself from other humans because we look differently and our looks have different reactions
i forgive myself for allowing myself to react with positive thoughts feelings and emotions to a person who i judge as pretty
i forgiv emyself for allowing msyelf to react with negative thoughts feelings and emotions to a person who i judge as ugly
i forgive myself for allowing myselfto believe i need to be accepted by others
i forgivmyself for allowingmyself tobelieve i need to fix something about myself that others may find abnormal or unacceptable
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe i am dependent and defined by my appearance
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to separate myself from my human physical body by judging it and comparing it and trying to 'fix' it to get it to look more like other humans' bodies
i forgive myself for allowingm yself to want my body to look like the bodies of humans i see in magazines and tv
i forgi vemyself for having allowe dmyself to let me be influenced by what the media told and showed me
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to react with exitement and arousal when seeing the bodies of the humans in the magazines and the tv
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to associate sex with the appearance of humans in the magazines and on tv
i forgiv emyself for allowign myself to separate sexuality from myself by projecting it onto a certain body type and believe i can only experience sexuality if i have sex with that body

till here and no further:
i am sexuality as life within myself
i am not influencable by pictures
i am one and equal to my body but also to the bodies of other human beings
i am not determined by my picture presentation or by the reactions of other beings towards it
i realise that the only one reacting and judging is me
i forgive myself for allowingm syelf to fear my own judgement projected onto others
i am not judgement
i am not defineable so i am not my picture
i am beyond pictures
others arent pictures
i am here as all as one as equal
i am breath