2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority -- Part 3

 2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority Part 2

Changing a Experience of Inferiority in Real-Time

- See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/10/2014-belittled-mouse-and-roaring-lion.html#sthash.GmIYiEiI.dpuf

 2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority -- Part 3

Changing an Experience of Inferiority in Real-Time

 2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority Part 2

Changing a Experience of Inferiority in Real-Time

- See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/10/2014-belittled-mouse-and-roaring-lion.html#sthash.GmIYiEiI.dpuf

 2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority Part 2

Changing a Experience of Inferiority in Real-Time

- See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/10/2014-belittled-mouse-and-roaring-lion.html#sthash.GmIYiEiI.dpuf

In Part 1 and Part 2 I have began opening up a tendency that I experienced within my mind in terms of how I would react to specific situations or rather to how I perceived and interpreted those situations in my mind. When I perceived or interpreted that my partner was in some way upset, unhappy, angry or in an annoyed state, then my reaction to that would be one of going into fear, inferiority, insecurity and self-doubt as essentially the opposite of the reactions that I perceived within him. And thus within this reaction I interpreted and experienced him to be the 'dominant' person and myself the 'victim' or 'dominated' person within the relationship.

This reaction in itself would then end up sparking other emotional reactions like blame and anger within myself since I was busy projecting this dominant personality within him and so implicitly placing him responsible for the inferiority and fear that I was experiencing within myself.

Since opening it up within and through the application of the Desteni tools, I have been able to develop more of an understanding of what happens within myself when I go into this emotionally overwhelming experience in those specific situations and through this, I have been more able to breathe through most of the reactions when I see them entering my mind. However, because this specific system is so deeply ingrained within myself, it exists in multiple layers that I must still open up and investigate so that I can start moving through the deeper layers of this mind-construct and so I can stop myself from going into the overwhelmingness of it and so not end up losing myself in this construct.

What I have been investigating and looking at in the past few days is the joker character that I step into in my interaction with my partner, wherein I most of the time I am in this 'joking' mood and am trying to keep the conversations 'light' and 'fun' by making jokes of things and playfully ridiculing things or poking fun at things. I discovered that it is actually this specific character and me accessing it in relation to my partner, that is another layer of the mind which contributes to why I feel insecure, inferior and fearful within myself in towards him in moments.

I have always defined the joker character as a fun and good personality trait, which is why I use it to try and make and keep people in my relationships happy, within and as the motto that as long as people are laughing, then they are having fun and feeling good and thus they feel good about me, thus they love me. However it is exactly that starting point behind this 'joking around' behaviour and personality trait, of doing it because I want people to love me, which is creating the opposite experience within myself.

When I look at my general experience in relation to people, I would say that it is actually rather negative. Most of the time I feel insecure about myself, self-conscious, inferior and I often believe or feel like people don't actually like me all that much. And by having investigated this joker personality within myself, I have seen, realized and understood that I feel this way because my starting point within how I express myself in relation to the people around me, is one wherein I am actually already from the get go assuming that people won't like me for who I am and that I need to be, behave and express myself as this 'likeable' persona, within and as for instance making jokes and 'being funny', in order to generate positive feelings about me within people so that based on those positive feelings, they would 'like me'.

So it is fascinating how that works, that while I am busy exerting this energetically charged personality which exists entirely for the purpose of making people happy and making people laugh and like me, I am simultaneously actually creating the opposite experience within myself and I don't even notice. So I end up feeling as though, the harder I try to get people to like me within that positively charged 'likeable' personality of joking around, the more I end up feeling negative within myself and within that I essentially experience exactly that which I feared experiencing in the first place. And all the while I never noticed that it was within my very participating in the positive energy, that I was creating the negative experience and so creating the very thing that I was fearing.

I am starting to see the consequences of my participating in this personality system more acutely since I have become aware of it -- I can see the negative experience of fear, inferiority and insecurity coming up in the moment right after I made that joke or poked fun or tried to make something sound funny or light. Because, the problem isn't that I am making a joke, the problem is that I do it with an energy experience, that I am trying to create a specific experience within the other person from the starting point of believing and assuming within myself that they won't and don't like me for who I am.

It is fascinating to see how it is never about what I do as it is about my starting point behind and within what I do. The starting point determines what I will create. So, if my starting point is the belief that I am not being liked or loved, then no matter what I do to try and prevent or change that, I will end up feeling unloved and disliked. Whereas if I express myself without necessarily wanting to be 'more' or  be 'positive', 'funny', 'likeable', 'sociable' or 'fun', then I already stand within the realization and understanding that I am alright as who I am .

Obviously that point of seeing who I actually am, and so seeing beyond the personality constructs, does take a process of getting to know yourself and walking through conscious and subconscious layers of the mind. I believed for a very long time that this joker personality is who I really am, that it was my 'true expression', my natural real expression and that I was 'just being me' when I was busy making fun of things or trying to liven things up or lighten the mood with a joke. It is however only recently that I became aware of the energetic dynamic that is really playing out within and behind it.

And I could only see that because of the steps that I have already walked previously within investigating and changing the experience of inferiority within myself in relation to people - a process that I have specifically been walking in relation to my partner, as that is where the experience of inferiority came up more intensely and noticeably. A process wherein I have been slowly but surely peeling away the layers within and of my consciousness that constitute the emotional experience of feeling inferior and insecure within myself in relationships with the people in my world and reality.

This point thus, the existence of a personality system of wanting to make people laugh and feel good through making jokes is another layer that I have discovered within myself and for which I have now, through having applied the tool of writing in self-honesty, laid the foundation for change. And that change is what I can manifest through applying the tool of written self-forgiveness and self-correction and then living the actual physical change in real-time moments of not allowing myself to go into the joker personality and instead remain stable within myself rather than expressing myself from the starting point of energetic movements such as the desire to make people happy and get people to like me through exerting specific behaviour. And thus, by living that change in real-time moments, I will condition myself into living in a way that creates actual stability within my relationships with people, so that I can start giving myself the opportunity to find out and discover the true potential of relationships and myself within relationships with people.

The Following is the specific Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective statements that I have written down to assist and support myself within releasing the joker character and preparing the way for myself to start changing this character in real-time.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a personality system wherein I think and believe that I must be funny and fun-loving and enjoyable for other people so that other people would love and accept me, when I am in the presence of people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into that preprogrammed personality expression of wanting to be fun and funny and wanting to make the other person laugh whenever I am with X and to define myself entirely  within and as that tendency to 'want to make him laugh' --- and not seeing and realizing what I am actually busy creating and what I am actually doing within and as myself, which is going into a specific energetic experience motivated by a fear within myself of not being loved and accepted and therein creating the experience within and as myself that I am not loved or accepted

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a polarity within myself of fearing that X doesn't love me and desire for X to love me -- and that from that starting point within myself, I then start to desperately look for ways to make sure that X will love me, for instance by expressing myself within and as joking around, making jokes, being goofy and trying to be fun and make X laugh -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I am actually doing is separating myself from X by firstly defining myself within and as the reaction of fear of not being loved and desire to be loved and secondly then trying to play into and manipulate paul's feelings through exerting a specific personality behaviour, and that because of that separation that I am busy creating within myself from paul as myself I actually end up feeling inferior and even more insecure and fearful than I did before

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the energy experiences within myself of fear of not being loved and desire to be loved that activates within myself in relation to X - by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the personality expression of 'being fun-loving', 'making jokes',  'joking around', 'not taking anything seriously' and 'being playful' and so hiding what is really going on within myself as the actual starting point of that personality system as who I believe myself to be

And so I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself about what is really going on within myself and so not hide experiences of fear behind positively charged personality systems - within and as the realization, insight and understanding that I create who and what I am within and as myself, regardless of how I behave or how I appear to be within and as my 'personality expression' --- and that if I exist within myself within and as a fear of not being loved then the experience of not being loved is what I will end up creating, no matter how much I try to be 'likeable' and 'loveable' to other people --- if anything, the more I try, the more I am actually reinforcing and validating that point of fear that is at the starting point of it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to express who I really am as a being in relation to X by having accepted and allowed myself to express myself within and as a personality system based on experiences of fear and desire within my mind

And I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that, because I haven't been expressing myself within and as self-honesty, as who I really am as a being -- I have also not been able to see who X is as a being and I have been experiencing insecurities and fears because of that separation that I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself from myself as a being and from X as a being

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if and when I preoccupy myself with fears and desires in relation to X loving me, and the  experience of insecurity, fear and inferiority that is the consequences of that preoccupation, then I am not seeing X as who he is within and as physical reality and I am not perceptive, attentive or aware of what is going on within him --- because every expression that he makes, I immediately interpret within and as that polarity of fear and desire for him to love me that I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself, wherein I take everything that he does, says and expresses personally and so don't actually get to know him

And I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if and when I don't let go of the energetically charged personality within myself and preoccupation in my mind of wanting X to love me and see and consider who X is and what is going on with and within X, then I am in fact only fuelling the experiences of insecurity and fear within myself in relation to X because those experiences are defined within and as ideas, beliefs and perceptions in the mind, which are based on a lack of insight and understanding of what is really going on in physical reality

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to stand within and as the principle and realization that I create who and what I am within and as myself - and thus the realization that if I express myself and if I exist within and as the starting point of insecurity and fear within myself within and as the fear of not being loved, then I will create exactly what my starting point already is, which is fear and insecurity --- and I will this experience more fear and insecurity, the more I express myself from the starting point of fear and insecurity

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that it is my responsibility to love myself and to create the starting point of self-love and self-acceptance and self-respect within and as myself - so that from that starting point I can create that which exist within and as myself in my external world and reality --- within and as the principle of who and what I am is what I will create

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that, by defining myself within and as the personality system of wanting to make people laugh by trying to be funny and fun  and enjoyable, I am abdicating my responsibility for how I actually feel within myself within and as the experience of fear of not being loved - and that I am therein indirectly blaming other people for not loving me and so for that fear that I am experiencing within myself --- instead of being self-honest and seeing, realizing and understanding that I am responsible for how I experience myself within myself and standing one and equal with the point of fear and desire in relation to 'being loved'  and so standing within and as the point of self-love

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility to create who I am within and as myself as what I want to see and experience in my world and reality - within and as the realization and understanding that who I am within and as myself is what I create - and so that I have never accepted and allowed myself to create myself as the living expression and statement of self-love, one and equal with the love that I want to see and experience within my external world and reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the emotional experiences of insecurity and fear, connected to the thoughts in my mind that X doesn't love me or that people don't love me - and that I have therein accepted and allowed myself to indirectly blame X and 'people' for how I am experiencing myself -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that these experiences of fear and insecurity are consequences of the separation that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist from myself and others as myself by having accepted and allowed myself to express and define myself within and as the personality system of wanting to be fun, enjoyable and loveable for other people and by not having accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself about and take responsibility for how I really feel and who I really am within and as myself

And so I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the thoughts in my mind that 'X doesn't love me' or 'people don't love me', connected with experiences of insecurity and fear, actually show and indicate that I don't love myself and that I do not exist within and as self-love within and as myself and that I have not taken responsibility to create the love that I want to see and experience in my world and reality within and as myself first and foremost

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be aware of who I am within and as myself when I express myself within and as the personality system of joking around and wanting to be playful and funny and wanting to make X or other people laugh - and so not be aware of what it is that I am actually busy creating through the starting point from which I am expressing myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that personality systems always exist from the starting point of fear because within and as a personality system I am busy limiting all of who I am by defining myself within and as a specific set of expressions and descriptions as being the 'who' I want other people to think I am and see me as, such as 'fun', 'funny', 'lovely' and  'fun-loving' in an attempt to control specific factors in my external world and reality which I think and believe are causing the fear that I am experiencing within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider defining myself within and as a personality system as accepted and allowed self-limitation instead of being honest with myself about the fears that exist within myself and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for -- and see, realize and understand that if and when I accept and allow myself to express and define myself within and as a personality system, then I am in fact separating myself from the very thing that I am wanting to experience and have and that I am using the personality system for, because within and as a personality system I am wanting and needing other people to give me a specific experience, rather than me creating that experience within and as myself

So I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that, within and as the personality system of wanting to be loved by trying to make people laugh and trying to be funny and fun and loveable, I am in fact separating myself from the love that I am wanting, needing and searching for by projecting it outside of myself within and as the desire for other people to love me

I forgive myself that I have have accepted and allowed myself to define the personality system of joking around and being fun and funny and not taking things seriously as something 'positive' - instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the tendency to want to make jokes and make fun out of things and make things humorous, comes the starting point of fear of getting hurt and rejected if I wouldn't go into that personality expression and if I were to simply be and express who I am in the moment without trying to generate positive feelings and without trying to make people laugh and enjoy themselves

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I actually fear being 'serious', because taking things seriously means that I really invest myself within my expression and I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret that as being vulnerable to people's reaction to me and my expression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take myself or others 'seriously' out of fear of being hurt and because I think and believe that if I make a joke out of everything and in that, pretend that I don't really care about anything, then I will not get hurt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the joker personality to protect myself from getting hurt - instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in fact I am the one hurting myself by not existing within and as self-love and believe that I have to be a specific personality so that other people would love me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need the joker personality to interact with people because I don't have self-respect or self-love --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that self-respect and self-love is something that I have to build over time, through remaining consistent within myself --- and that, each time I accept and allow myself to react with fear in relation to people and from the fear accept and allow myself to go into the joker personality, I confirm to myself and condition into myself that I have no self-love or self-respect and that the desire to be loved and fear of not being loved by people is who I am

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself wanting to express myself in a 'joking' and 'fun' or 'funny' way in relation to paul or other people - I stop and breathe - and I see, realize and understand that I am busy 'trying' to be someone or do something and within that trying I am not being simply myself and I am in fact making a statement that I am not good enough and that I believe that people don't actually like me for who I am and that therefore I must be something or someone else for people to like me

And I see, realize and understand that what I create is always one and equal with my starting point - and that if my starting point is the belief that people don't like me, then no matter what I do or how I express myself, I will always feel like people just don't like me

I see, realize and understand that when I am going into a positive and high energetically charged experience within myself when I express myself, for instance when I go into a joking character and I try to be 'fun' and 'funny', then I am in fact simultaneously creating and fuelling a negative point within myself that I have defined myself within and as - such as a fear that people don't like me and a belief that people don't like me -- and that thus, the more I accept and allow myself to go into that positive experience in relation to my expression wherein I am trying to hide and suppress the fear, the more I in fact end up feeling afraid and feeling like people don't like me

I commit myself to live the strength and courage to remain stable within myself when I am expressing myself around people and to not allow myself to try and get away from or suppress the fears that I experience within myself in relation to people not liking my natural expression - and to rather face the fears within myself and develop and establish self-love and self-acceptance within the realization that I will always only find in my external reality that which already exists within myself within and as my starting point

So I commit myself to live the love and acceptance that I have always longed and searched for within other people -- as a living statement of who I am --- by changing these personality traits of wanting to try and be funny and fun and enjoyable for other people to try and get people to like me, because I see, realize and understand that all that I am really doing is creating the experience within myself that people just don't like me by not seeing and realizing myself as the creator of myself and my existence

I commit myself to be and become the living word of stability wherein I do not accept or allow myself to be moved and influenced by the mind as feeling and emotional experiences, because I see, realize and understand that when I accept and allow myself to be moved by feeling and emotional experiences within and as personality systems such as wanting people to like me and trying to be fun and fun-loving and funny and essentially trying to be 'more' and 'better' than 'myself', that I am giving away my power and all of who I am and I accept and allow myself to then exist in constant insecurity, uncertainty and inferiority

And so I commit myself to express myself from the starting point of stability within and as myself as the realisation and understanding and living statement that I am 'good enough' and that I do not need to be 'more' or 'better' and I do not need other people to like me so that I can like myself

I am self-acceptance  and I accept myself unconditionally because that is what is best for myself as life and I see, realize and understand that unconditional self-acceptance is a real genuine expression of what life really is as softness and gentleness as in being soft and gentle on myself by not judging myself or not creating these ideas and beliefs in my mind that somehow I am 'not good enough'

Life as who I really am within and as myself is unconditional acceptance and gentleness

2014 Facebook Unfriending and Changing Feeling Rejected in Real-Time

 

 2014 Facebook Unfriending and Changing Feeling Rejected in Real-Time

How I Changed an Experience of Rejection in A Moment

Someone unfriended me on Facebook a while ago and only today did I come to realize this and it was interesting to see what kind of reactions came up within me. When I say 'someone',  I am here referring to a person who was  a big part of my life when I was little, someone who I actually haven't seen in a very long time and even though our lives grew apart and we have become 'different people', my reaction to finding out that she 'unfriended' me indicated that there was still a big part of me which defined itself according to the relationship that I had created in my memories with this individual.

I went into a form of a shock when I saw that the little box on her Facebook profile which used to say 'friend' now said 'add friend'. I mean it wasn't like a big emotional shock, but it was there, that reaction of 'oh my god I can't believe it'. The shock being the experience of rejection, loss and anger, because clearly somewhere in my subconscious mind the thought of this person still seeing my Facebook posts and in that way still kind of being a part of who I am and my life, was keeping certain memories of my childhood relationship with her 'alive'.

In that moment of seeing my reaction, I felt surprised because since the time we were friends and since we 'parted ways', I have come a long way of changing as an individual, have 'lost' certain friendships and relationships along the way and I believed that I had 'made peace' with my life as it is now, the people in it and the things that have happened.  But this reaction of shock showed me that it is easy to create ideas and beliefs about yourself in your mind as long as your world stays relatively stable and 'the same', but then when things start to shift and change - that is when your reactions to situations and events will show you who you really are inside and what has been going on in the background (in the subconscious mind) all along.

I have experienced the same kind of 'shock' in the past when I perceived that someone  was 'rejecting' me or that I was losing them or had lost a person in my life whom I had defined as 'my friend' or 'family' and how I used to deal with those kind of experiences  is that I would just kind of let time 'heal the wound' and so basically allow the emotional experiences of shock, rejection, feeling left behind, sadness and inferiority to 'settle' over time. But this wasn't a very pleasant approach to handling and dealing with my emotions because it is kind of making the choice to 'live with' the emotions and to continue suffering until the suffering stops by itself.

This time however I had the tool of applying self-forgiveness to assist me in moving through and releasing the emotional experiences in one moment and stabilizing myself in relation to this situation. This self-forgiveness which I applied in that moment I will share at the bottom of this blog. By speaking the self-forgiveness and releasing the emotions, I could see deeper into my own mind and to where it actually was that my reactions were coming from.

I could see clearly that within my subconscious mind I have still in slight moments throughout my day, for instance each time I posted something on Facebook, been  secretly thinking about how specific people whom I know to be my 'friends' on Facebook - people who used to be a part of my life when I was younger and who are still part of my memories - would react to my posts and what kind of opinion or idea they would form in their minds about me. And what I realized is that each time I allowed myself to access those type of secret thoughts in the back of my mind, I was busy keeping those 'relationships' which essentially only exist within my own mind 'alive'.

So in the 'who I am' in my mind, which would be my thoughts and the emotional/feeling experience of myself, I was still very much defining myself according to the relationships that I had created with specific individuals who used to be part of my life but actually haven't been in a very long time, simply by giving attention to these seemingly 'small' and 'innocent' ponderings about how they would see, perceive and judge me based on my Facebook posts that they might come across from time to time.

And, because I was still subconsciously keeping the 'relationship' with those people 'alive' by the simple act of consistently accessing thoughts, feelings and emotions connected to images, memories and pictures of them in my mind and forming my own 'idea' and 'image' of myself based on and according to my projections of what 'they' might be thinking of me - this is why I reacted emotionally with an experience of suddenly something being 'missing' or having 'lost' something in my life when I realized that one of those 'relationships' had 'cut ties' with me through unfriending me on Facebook.

What was fascinating is that just with me realizing or rather thinking that they will no longer see my Facebook posts and they will thus no longer be thinking about me or forming opinions and ideas about me, which was already in itself an assumption and idea that I had created in my mind without any 'evidence' that this was in fact what was happening, it felt as though I was losing a part of myself and I was becoming emotionally distraught. But I mean, the thought that this friend or 'former friend' was seeing my posts and was thinking all sorts of things about me wasn't actually real to begin with, it was a fabrication in my own mind that was based on my own want, need and desire to keep certain memories alive and keep my idea of 'who I am' according to the primary relationships that I have formed throughout my life 'alive'.

So basically all this time, even though I have consciously believed myself to have 'let go of the past' and 'moved on' as many things in my world and my life have changed, I have created new relationships and I am surrounded by different people in my life as it currently is , I had actually been hiding an unwillingness inside of myself to truly let go of the past and to give myself a chance to truly start again and create new relationships with people that are actually part of my life as in my daily participation with the world around me.

Only this time, a point that very clearly needs to be corrected if I want to start focusing on those 'new relationships' however, is my definition of what 'relationships' are, because it is simply not functional or healthy when my 'relationships' are with fictions of my own imagination based on memories of my 'former self' and a reluctance to let go of the past and of 'who I used to be'. Functional and healthy relationships should be based on actual reality such as for instance the people that I can see around me, people that I actually talk to and interact with on a real physical level. And this 'physical level' doesn't necessarily mean that I have to be able to touch them physically, it merely means that there cannot exist any pictures, images or projections in my mind constituting or defining those relationships. A relationship shouldn't be a memory or a thought, it should be an action, for instance the action of talking to someone or spending time with someone because that is what is real. Anything that exists in the mind that isn't based on fact, cannot be trusted because it simply isn't real.

So please don't misunderstand what I am saying here. I am not saying that Facebook relationships aren't real or valid. Communicating and talking to someone over Facebook is just as real and valid as communicating with someone while being physically together. What isn't real or valid however is for instance spending time thinking about those 'relationships' outside of those real moments of actual communication, because that is when real relationships become mind-relationships and you start disconnecting yourself from reality. When people become images and thoughts in your head because you are wondering about what they think of you or how they see and perceive you, then you are creating a mind-relationship and thus a false relationship.

The correction process of this dysfunctional and unhealthy definition of what relationships are and how I have always lived relationships  would be the application of writing about it, the spoken and written self-forgiveness and the writing out of and looking at how to start stopping myself from creating 'mind-relationships' and rather invest myself in creating and nurturing 'reality/real relationships' - which is what this blog is a testament of. Then it is just a matter of 'walking the talk' which means that those moments wherein I am tempted to go into memory and wonder about what my childhood friends would think of me will come up again in my mind because that is just how I have over time conditioned my mind to 'operate', so then instead of accepting those thoughts as 'real' and as a part of who I am, I rather take a step back and ground myself in the physical reality of the moment and so align myself with reality.

The Following is an expansion on the Self-Forgiveness statements that I spoke in the moment when the emotional reaction came up and which assisted me to release the reaction plus added self-commitment statements wherein I script the 'new program' and definition of 'relationships' that I commit to live from here on out.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to seeing that X has unfriended me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take X unfriending me personally by reacting emotionally to the thought that X has 'cut me out of her life' and 'rejected me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as how I think and believe X perceives and defines me, as someone that she does not want to be friends with and so someone who is less than her and who she doesn't think is good enough to be her friend --- by experiencing inferiority within myself connected with a thought that I am less than X because that is what she thinks of me -- instead of taking responsibility for the fact that who and how I think X to be is a projection that I have created in my own mind and that thus how I think and believe she sees, perceives and judges me is in fact how I think about, see and perceive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define X as a part of my life and a part of myself because of the friendship relationship that I have created with her in my childhood and how I had defined who I am within and as that relationship

And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need X in my life - if not physically, then mentally within and as the thought that she still reads my posts on Facebook, to be able to be 'myself' and 'complete' because she is part of my memories and because I have defined myself within and as and according to my memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and expect my world and the people in it and my relationships to stay the same or similar to how it was in my memories because of having defined myself within and as my memories and so believing that if my world changes, then I will not be able to exist  within and as those memories anymore because I will also have to change and so won't be 'myself' anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if my world were to change, and if I were to 'lose' specific people in my physical world and reality, that I would not be able to exist anymore - instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this belief and experience only shows the extent to which I have defined myself within and as the mind as relationships that exist within and upon memories

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my memories are information and that if I believe that I need my memories to be 'myself' and that thus my world and reality must remain the same according to my memories, then that implies that I have accepted myself to be a system of information, instead of an actual life-force that exist within and as the moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the image and idea that I have of X is information in my mind that is based on memories that I have stored  - and that those memories in itself are also based on preprogrammed information that was already existent within my mind --- and that thus the image that I have of X in my mind, is entirely my own creation

And so I forgive myself that I have not taken responsibility for this image and idea and memory that I have stored in my mind of X, by having separated myself from my memories of X by creating a relationship with those memories, based on the belief and idea that I need X in my life and I need her to be my friend so that I can be 'myself' --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this belief of 'needing her' implies that I have suppressed a part of myself and that thus even with 'having her in my life', I would still feel like there is something missing within myself

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the mind has a tendency to create a onedimensional perception of memories by defining certain memories as positive, wherein I will not actually see how I really experienced myself in those actual moments because I am looking at my own memories through the perception of the mind as feelings rather than seeing who I really am within and as those memories, and see, realize and understand that within those actual moments I didn't experience myself nearly as 'positive' as my mind likes to make it seem

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to define my memories, by experiencing certain memories within and as a positive feeling experience of nostalgia as a belief and idea that 'everything was better in the past' - instead of standing one and equal with my memories and seeing that when I was in those actual moments in 'the past', I didn't experience myself as only 'positive' , in fact I mostly experienced myself as negative  - which is what the mind suppresses when I look back on my memories to create the illusion that I have to hold on to my memories and that somehow my memories are 'good' and that I need my memories to be 'good' and to be a good/positive version of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for positive experiences within my memories and to believe that I must hold on to my memories to experience myself positively - and that I have within that separated myself from my mind and from the memories that exist within my mind, by searching for something 'more' within myself, instead of standing one and equal with my real memories as the actual experience of myself in 'the past', which was not at all 'positive' but in fact mostly negative and emotionally charged

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the positive experience that I feel towards my memories doesn't have anything to do with the actual memories themselves, and that the past wasn't actually 'better' or 'positive' or 'good' - but that in fact, how I experienced myself when I was younger was mostly negative and emotional, and that I actually only started focusing more on generating and experiencing positive feelings as I grew older, which is why I am now seeing my memories in a 'positive' light and am now connecting positive experiences to my memories, so that I can experience myself positively and in fact suppress the actual negative experiences that were my actual real experiences in those moments

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my fear of losing those memories isn't actually a fear of losing the real moments that surpassed and that I experienced but it is a fear of losing the positive feeling energy that I have within my mind connected with those memories and wherein I have made the memories seem 'more' than what they actually are, and thus have made 'myself' seem 'more' than who I actually am

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for myself as the creator of my memories by accepting and defining myself within and as the idea and belief that I need my memories to be myself, and by not seeing, realizing and understanding that what I actually want and 'need' is the positive feeling energy that I have connected with my so-called 'memories'

And so I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to investigate why and how it is that I want, need and desire this positive experience that I have defined my memories within and why and how it is that I have connected this positive energetic charge to the 'memories' stored in my mind -- and that I have thus never seen, realized and understood that this desire, need and want for a positive experience is in fact a consequence of the negatively charged experiences within myself that I don't want to deal with or face and my fear of those negatively charged internal experiences

So I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the negatively charged experiences that exist within myself and that were the actual real experiences that I went through within the real actual moments in the past, by trying to suppress and hide those real negative experiences under a positive experience connected with the idea and the belief that 'things were better in the past'

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself 'reminiscing'  or experiencing a feeling of 'nostalgia' in my mind wherein I access memories of a person, connected with a belief, idea and experience that in the past everything was better/nicer/positive, or I see myself going into an experience of missing the past and 'how things were' or regretting that I have lost certain people - then I stop and breathe - and I see, realize and understand that I am looking at 'apparent' memories in my mind through the eyes of the mind, wherein  the memory that I am seeing as a picture as well as the feeling experience connected to it, is not the actual memory as how those moments in the past in fact unfolded and how I really experienced myself, but is a 'veil' that I have constructed and created to be able to suppress and hide those actual real experiences that I went through in those moments

And so, I see, realize and understand that those pictures in my mind that I call 'memories' are not in fact my real memories and thus are not in fact 'who I am' because they are fabrications of the mind as a system of energy which I have used to not have to take responsibility for myself and to not actually face all of the negatively charged experiences that I have experienced when I was younger

And so I see, realize and understand that the experience of fear of losing 'myself' if I were to lose specific people in my world and reality of which I have stored 'memories' in my mind, connected with positively charged feeling experiences, is not actually real because those 'memories' that I have in my mind of this person or these people is in fact a construct of the mind that I use to hide and suppress the reality of how I experienced myself in those moments -- which was never as onedimensional, limited and 'positive' as depicted in the images in my so-called 'memory'

So I commit myself to not hide or suppress who I really am within myself and the experiences that really exist within myself, and thus commit myself to not use the mind-construct of 'memories' in separation of myself and connected with onedimensional feeling experiences to suppress and hide that reality of myself which is in fact negatively charged

And so I commit myself to be honest with myself about what Is really going on within myself and so not simply trust that the onedimensional pictures and feelings of my 'memories' that come up in the mind are 'real' and are 'who I am' - but rather I commit myself to investigate what negatively charged experiences I am actually trying to hide and suppress behind these 'memory-depictions', so that I can get to realizing the reality of myself and of life as myself and stop existing within and as the lie that 'the past was better' or that life is somehow positive --- because I see, realize and understand that any positive feelings are always only based on pictures and images in the mind that I have in fact deliberately created as a veil so that I wouldn't see that how I have actually always really experienced myself throughout my life, was within and as negatively charged emotional experiences

2015 Why do I Always Feel Left Out? - Part 3

Why do I Always Feel Left Out? - Part 3

Changing Feeling Left Out in Real-Time

This  is a continuation of my journey of changing an emotional experience of feeling left out in real time. After having walked the initial step 1 and 2 I am now again investigating and having a look at how I experience the emotion of feeling left out now in my daily living within my participation with the people around me, compared to when I first started walking this process.

A first thing that I have realized is that I don't so often access the experience of feeling left out anymore and when I do, it is not nearly as intensely as I used to when I started my process of changing the experience of feeling left out.

Within this blog I will be sharing how I have walked and applied a Third Step within facing and changing an emotional reaction of feeling left out. In the event within this third step as I mentioned the experience of feeling left out was not as emotionally overwhelming anymore as it used to be. In fact this time, I could within the moment that the thoughts and emotions activated within myself, already take a step back and look at what was busy happening within my own mind - whereas before, I would go into an absolute emotional overwhelmingness to the point that I often went to isolate myself somewhere to cry my eyes out. This time, I actually within myself remained relatively stable as I observed this mind-program of feeling left out activate within my mind, which also made it a lot easier to then direct the emotional reactions that I would still ever so slightly go into.

So a few days ago the experience came up when I was together with a group of people and there was one girl who went to stand close to another girl to give her a hug. It wasn't like a real 'hug', she was more just with the one side of her body wrapping her arm around the other girl and leaning in to her, while placing her head on the girl's shoulders. Which within my mind I defined as an expression of two beings who are absolutely comfortable with each other, where their embrace is something that is casual and 'natural' and 'flowing'. For instance, the one girl didn't specifically say 'I need a hug' or ask for a hug from the other girl, she just went to stand next to her and in a very natural way, as if the other girl knew and expected that she was going to do that, and embraced her in a casual, nonchalant sisterly fashion.

In that quantum moment, I created a comparison in my mind and a thought went through my mind that 'I don't have that' and 'I can't experience that' and 'I never experience hugs like that'. I mean, there were in fact lots of thoughts going through my mind seemingly all at the same time. Because, what I was simultaneously also thinking, together with 'I don't experience that' and 'nobody ever hugs me like that', was 'nobody feels that comfortable around me', and 'if I tried to do that, then people would not accept it and they would resist me' --- with a general red line running through these thoughts being 'I am so alone'.

The 'I am so alone' point being basically my conclusion from all those previous thoughts that in a quantum moment ran through my mind as I was observing these two women expressing that intimacy with each other. And what is actually fascinating when I have a look at those thoughts of 'nobody ever does that with me' and 'if I tried that, people would resist me and push me away' and 'I never get to experience that intimacy' - and I look for actual examples of those statements, as in real-time events wherein people actually physically pushed me away or rejected me when I approached them,  by looking through my memories, then I cannot actually find any examples and so I cannot find any actual evidence to back up those statements in my mind.

I mean all that I can see and find, is a pattern of this emotional experience of feeling alone that I have been experiencing within myself all throughout my life. I have always only felt alone and within that experience of 'being alone', I 'felt like' other people would reject me or resist me or push me away if I were to approach them. But, I never actually did approach people, so I never actually found out whether or not there was any validity to those statements and beliefs in my mind. And, I also cannot find a real event that happened in my life that may have been an activating point for believing that people will reject me -- meaning an event that happened where I actually was rejected by people and where people did actually resist me, for instance within being bullied or something like that. There was just this seemingly isolated experience inside of myself of being disconnected from the people around me and of being 'alone' within and as myself. And, simultaneously with the feeling of 'being so alone' within myself, I experienced a yearning for connection and intimacy with the people that I saw around me - with my family, with my friends, and with everybody else in this world.

So it looks like this is a sort of 'personality system' that I have accepted to exist within myself as the 'who I am' in my mind, which is basically a structure of specific thoughts, backchat and emotional experiences that I go into in relation to specific situations - which is where it will in a way 'show itself' and 'come out' - and which essentially constantly exists within myself as a 'foundation' of my entire moment-to-moment existence, experience and expression of myself. It's just some specific situations and moments that 'draw it out' to the forefront where I will actually become highly emotional within myself and in those moments is where I fuel and regenerate the personality system within myself so it can continue existing as a constant foundational experience within and as myself.

And this is quite an interesting point to realize for me in relation to how the mind works, in that the thoughts and emotional experiences that I define myself within don't necessarily have a 'purpose' to them and aren't necessarily based on any valid 'reasoning'. As with this personality system of believing and experiencing myself to be 'alone' within myself in relation to people for instance, wherein I cannot find the source point of why and how it is that those thoughts and experiences exist within myself. They just kind of do, because of the simple fact that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with them.

I used to always have this tendency within myself, whenever I discovered a specific personality construct within myself such as this general experience of feeling left out in relation to people, to want to find a 'source' point within my memories. I wanted to find the specific event that occurred in my life that triggered it so that I could 'make sense' of what is happening within myself and so that I could in a way find a 'reasoning' behind why I feel the way I feel and experience myself the way I do. However what I have come to realize about the mind is that it doesn't really have any other purpose to it but to generate energy through thoughts, feelings and emotions, which means that it doesn't need to have a 'logical explanation' behind what it brings up for us to generate the energy it needs - as long as there exist the belief and appearance of a 'reason' behind and 'logic' to how we experience ourselves within and as our mind, enough for us to accept it as ourselves.

So from that perspective it is entirely possible that these seemingly random personality systems exist within ourselves without any particular 'reason', as in memories to back it up - but that the system only exist within and as ourselves because we never questioned it and because we blindly accepted it into our beingness to become a part of who we are.

So to get back to my practical application In that moment where I saw that I reacted emotionally to the image that I was seeing of the one girl hugging the other and the 'intimacy' and 'comfortableness' that I was seeing within that image and in the relationship between these two people - I started applying self-forgiveness in silence within myself. The following is an excerpt of those self-forgiveness statements which I spoke in that moment and which assisted and supported me within stabilizing myself and releasing the emotional experience of feeling left out that I was facing within myself in that moment. And then the next step will be to take on the 'I am so alone' personality system  that I have discovered as the driving force behind the emotional experience and reaction of feeling left out.

 Self-Forgiveness Statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with feeling left out to seeing X hugging Y

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X and Y and from the image that I am seeing with my eyes by reacting to it with emotions instead of remaining stable within myself and not allow what I see with my eyes to move and influence who I am within myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the desire within myself to experience what I am seeing with my eyes because I have assigned a positive value in my mind with the image of two people hugging each other connected with the word friendship

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am feeling left out as a negative emotional experience within myself in reaction to what I am seeing with my eyes because I have accepted and allowed a desire to exist within myself of being part of and belonging with and experiencing friendship and intimate relationships with other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X and Y for 'leaving me out' and 'not including me' and so blame them for the emotional experience of feeling left out within myself as how I am reacting to seeing them hugging each other - instead of taking responsibility for the desire within myself to be included and accepted and embraced by other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire experiencing belonging with and being accepted and embraced by other people within and as intimate relationships - and that I have therein created a point of 'lack' within myself as the opposite polarity of feeling left out and alone and rejected

And so I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for myself as the creator of the experience of feeling rejected and left out and alone in relation to specific images that I see in my world and reality of for instance two people hugging - by having accepted and allowed myself to blame X and Y for why it is that I am reacting within myself with feeling left out and alone to seeing them hugging --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that X and Y don't in any way have anything to do with how I react emotionally within myself as my emotional reactions are my own creation due to my accepted and allowed participation in energy within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately separate myself from the world and reality that I see with my eyes by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the desire to be included and accepted and embraced by others -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that no matter if I am being physically touched or embraced by others and no matter how others behave and express themselves in relation to me - in physical reality I am already existing within and as inclusion and acceptance as I am here in this world and reality as a part of this physical world and reality wherein all that exist is made up of the same matter and substance and we are all one and equal within and as ourselves

And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from inclusion and acceptance by defining inclusion and acceptance within and as an image of people hugging and touching each other and standing and talking close together -- and that I have therein accepted and allowed myself to create the idea and belief that If I do not have that sort of contact and relationship with people, then I cannot experience inclusion and acceptance --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have essentially created the belief and experience that who I am within and as myself is not already included and accepted and that I must thus long for and desire for inclusion and acceptance, thus creating an experience of lack within myself

I see, realize and understand that I am busy blaming X and Y for me feeling left out and alone within myself while I have created that experience by myself by having participated within positive energy experiences as a desire to 'have' specific  relationships with other people because I have separated myself from acceptance and intimacy by projecting it within specific images and ideas in my mind - and that within that blame I am in fact further separating myself from my own creation and victimising myself to my own emotional reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself inferior to what I am seeing with my eyes by connecting a positive value to the image that I am seeing of two women hugging, by defining that image within and as friendship and by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a desire to experience the positive energy value that I have connected in my mind with the word friendship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to what I am seeing with my eyes by reacting to what I see with thoughts, feelings an emotions - instead of being stable within and as myself within and as the realization and understanding that what I am seeing with my eyes in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my value away to an image that I see with my eyes and an idea of friendship that I have connected with a positive energy value within my mind --- instead of standing within and as self-value in every moment

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the separation that I have accepted and allowed myself to create between what I am seeing with my eyes and who I am within myself by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a desire to experience friendship and to belong --- wherein I have in fact created an experience of lack within myself

Self-Corrective Statements

I see, realize and understand that I am creating this experience of feeling left out and disconnected and separated from what I see with my eyes by myself by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a desire for friendship as specific images in my mind - rather than standing one and equal with my reality that is here and the beings around me in every moment of breath

I see, realize and understand that I am blaming X and Y for my own reactions that I have created within myself  by participating within points of desire and I see, realize and understand that within and as the point of blame I am projecting my responsibility towards my participation in my mind outward

And so I commit myself to take responsibility for myself  and for my creation as the experience of feeling left out by not accepting and allowing myself to participate within desires of being accepted because I see, realize and understand that that is how I am creating the experience of feeling left out within myself

So I stand as the point of responsibility in relation to feeling left out and I commit myself to embrace myself first  and to create a relationship of intimacy and connection with myself first before I go and blame others for not accepting or embracing me

2014 From Jealousy to Self-Expression -- Part 2

From Jealousy to Self-Expression -- Part 2

 Changing the Emotional Reaction of Jealousy in Real-Time

How I Faced and Stopped the Jealousy Demon within Myself - See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/09/2014-from-jealousy-to-self-expression.html#sthash.IGTxqhLj.dpufHow i

How I Faced and Stopped the Jealousy Demon within Myself - See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/09/2014-from-jealousy-to-self-expression.html#sthash.IGTxqhLj.dpuf

In the previous blog "2014 From Jealousy to Self-Expression", I opened up and investigated the emotional experience and reaction of jealousy, as I came to the realization that jealousy is an experience that I do often entertain in my mind, but at the same time it is an experience that I had been hiding from myself, because of how I have judged Jealousy as being something 'bad' and 'negative' and because I never wanted to face such 'negative'/'bad' sides of myself. Obviously though, I did have to come to terms with the fact that as long as I am judging things that exist within myself, and based on that judgment, go and hide those things from myself - then essentially I will be living a lie and so I will be accepting a limited version of myself, because in order to change, expand and develop myself as a being, I have to face all of myself, not only the parts that I have defined as 'good' and 'positive'.

If anything, since having started this process of investigating and changing the emotional experience of jealousy, I have been very grateful to myself for having applied the self-honesty required to be able to see how my own mind works and so be able to pick up on and become aware of when it is that I step into the experience of jealousy and actually stop myself from getting carried away by it and so change myself in those real-time moments.

After  having written the first blog within this process of Changing the emotional experience of Jealousy, and so within that blog having established a platform for myself of first of all understanding how and why it is that I will sometimes react with jealousy when I see another woman - there was a real-time event that opened up in my reality where I had to 'prove' my understanding and awareness of how jealousy works and my commitment to change Jealousy within and as myself to myself in one moment. These real-time moments is where I essentially make the decision of 'who I will be' and 'who I am', because when and as the experience of for instance jealousy comes up within myself and I am becoming aware of it coming up within myself, I have two choices that I can make -- I can either let myself be 'swept away' by the experience, as per how I have conditioned myself each time the experience came up within me in the past, and so accept and allow myself to 'become jealous' - or I can apply my awareness of Jealousy being a mind-construct and in that moment apply the Tools to be able to release the mind-construct and so make the decision that I will not allow the mind to define who I am and how I will experience myself in that moment.

So, the moment went as follows. I was out with a few friends and sitting next to me in the car was X. X had just met up with her boyfriend and she was still busy sending messages to him on her phone. As I was looking at her being preoccupied by her phone and smiling and giggling at the conversation that she was having with him on the phone, I specifically noticed how her expression showed that she was enjoying herself and also earlier that evening when I was seeing her interacting with her him, she looked like she was enjoying spending time with him. So in that moment in the car, there was a thought that came up within myself of 'I don't have that', wherein I basically created the idea in my mind that I don't have or experience that enjoyment that I am seeing within her in my own life, to which I within myself reacted with an experience of feeling inferior and feeling like my life is 'worth less' than her life - and so essentially I was then feeling jealous of what I saw within her and what I believed she has and I don't, because I wanted what she apparently has.

Eventually I started feeling this experience of anger coming up within myself in relation to her - where, she was doing small movements, like, flashing the light on her phone around or not hearing someone when they asked her a question, and that triggered anger within myself - specifically in relation to a backchat in my mind that 'she is too preoccupied by her feelings in relation to her boyfriend and the conversation that she is having with him to notice or care about what is going on around her'. So here, I saw and realized that there is something going on inside of myself that needs direction - because here I am getting angry and upset over literally the smallest, insignificant things  and I am channelling my anger towards this other person - which implies that there is something inside of myself that I am actually being angry about - something that I am not directing inside of myself.

So then I started applying self forgiveness - first on the anger that I was experiencing towards X and then on the jealousy that I had been experiencing, which was in fact where the anger was actually coming from.

And as I furthered in my self-forgiveness I saw and realized that what I had actually been doing was that, when I was looking at her and how she was expressing herself in relation to her partner and her relationship, I had been deliberately creating the idea in my mind that her life is so much better than my life --- which, if I actually had a self honest look at my own life, is not the case at all. I mean I am in a stable relationship, I have a partner that I am satisfied with. But somehow I had been looking at her and how she was living and expressing herself as if there is something special about it and as if her life is this movie screen that is resonating light - and in comparison my own life looked rather bleak.

So what I realized was that, with being honest with myself, actually the reason why I had been doing that in my mind is that I was deliberately distracting my attention away from my own life because the reality is that I will much rather preoccupy myself with reacting emotionally to other people, with for instance feeling jealous about how I am seeing someone else live their life, than take responsibility for my own life and actually direct my own life and take my life into my own hands to give to myself what it is that I actually want in my own relationship for instance. I mean, the truth is that I don't really 'feel like' paying attention to myself and my life and putting in the effort to give myself the things that I need and want - so within my thoughts, feelings and emotional experiences,  I will create the illusion in my mind that other people's lives are much more interesting and just better and superior, so that I can then react with emotional experiences of for instance jealousy and inferiority and thus take my attention away from myself and my life and so give myself an excuse to not have to actually take responsibility for myself and for creating and developing and building the life that I want for myself.

So here what I realized when looking at this experience of jealousy, and specifically looking at what I am actually doing when accessing that experience of jealousy - is that I am deliberately creating a PERCEPTION in my mind that another's life is more/better/superior than my life, just so that I could emotionally react to that perception and so that, within and as that emotional reaction, I can in a way 'forget' about and look away from my own life, specifically by focusing my attention onto how another person is living their life.

And this because, what this reaction and experience of jealousy in relation to and towards another person's life is actually hiding, is a fear of failing in relation to my own life. I fear taking specific steps and I fear taking direction and making specific decisions and moving myself within my own life because I fear failing and failure and I fear the future- which is why I would then rather try to distract myself from looking at myself within and as own life, through using thoughts of judgments, ideas, perceptions and comparison and emotional reactions and experiences of jealousy - so that I could in a way abdicate my responsibility and avoid taking responsibility for my life and thus avoid facing my fears of failure and of the future.

So I was applying self-forgiveness until I no longer experienced the anger, resentment or jealousy towards this other person and until I was stable within myself -- which I established through realizing and facing this point of what I was actually doing within myself - which was deliberately shifting my attention away from myself and my own life onto thoughts and perceptions about someone else's life so that I could avoid, 'run away from' and suppress the fears that I experience within myself in relation to my life.

At this point I realized that it is simply unacceptable for me to not just be honest with myself and to so deliberately try to abdicate my responsibility for myself and my life. And, in the face of this truth of myself, it would be unacceptable for me to turn my back on reality to continue participating in the illusion of Jealousy - illusion, from the perspective that the emotional experience of jealousy turned out to have nothing to do with this other person's life being apparently 'better', 'more' or 'superior' than my life, as it was just me looking for an excuse to not have to deal with my own fears. And so this was the point, where I understood that further allowing myself to participate in jealousy would be unacceptable -from the perspective that I would damage my integrity and decency as a being - that I was able to stabilize myself and release the emotional energy of jealousy and the anger and resentment that I had been generating with it.

In the next blog in this series from Jealousy to Self-expression, I will be having a look at the point of 'self-enjoyment' as the expression in the event in my first blog and in this event that seems to be the activating point for my reaction of jealousy - which thus implies that that is the specific expression that I am not giving to myself and so is at the starting point of why I would react with jealousy when I am seeing other women expressing self-enjoyment.

The following is a slightly elaborated version of the self-forgiveness that I applied in that moment and that assisted me in releasing the emotional reaction of jealousy:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as this reaction of anger to and towards X without investigating or understanding where this anger is coming from and how I have generated this anger within myself

I forgive myself  that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am reacting to X with anger because I am actually feeling powerless and inferior and fearful within myself in relation to X and what I am seeing when I am observing her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at X's life and her expression and react with a thought in my mind that her life is so much more and so much better than my life

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then react to the thought that X's life and her expression is so much more and better than my life and expression with an emotional experience of inferiority, fear and powerlessness, because of now having defined myself in my mind as 'less than' X and so believing myself to be of inferior value, and therein then triggering a fear within myself of being less valuable than others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my life to be less valuable and inferior to X's life

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project that belief onto X when I am looking at her and observing her expression and then separate myself from that belief in my mind by reacting to my projection of that belief onto X with an emotional experience of fear of being less than others, and so within and as that experience of fear  create the experience that I am in fact inferior and less than X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a fear of being less than others to exist within myself

And I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I create what I accept and allow to exist within myself - and that thus if I define myself within and as a fear of being less than others, than I in fact create the experience that I am less than others within myself because that is what exists within and as myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I am feeling angry towards X because I am reacting to my own self-accepted belief that my life and expression is less valuable than hers

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that within being angry with X and observing her expression and her life within and as a reaction within myself - I am actually distracting myself from my own life and giving my value away to X's life and so therein creating the experience within myself that I am less than X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself and actually take my own life in my hands because it is just easier to distract myself with looking at how others lead their lives and preoccupy myself in my mind within emotional reactions - wherein I can then give away my responsibility and my power in relation to my own life and so not have to face my own fears in relation to the future and in relation to failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at X's life and react emotionally to what I am seeing so as to distract myself from my own fears - and create a point of blame, wherein I am blaming X for the emotional experience of inferiority within myself -- so that I wouldn't have to take responsibility for the fact that this experience of inferiority is in fact my fears in relation to the future and in relation to failing in my own life

So I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for my own life by victimizing myself in relation to my own internal fears - through looking at and observing person X's life and giving my power away to emotional reactions to thoughts and ideas and projections in my mind in relation to how person X's life compares to my life --- instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that I am actually experiencing resistance and fear in relation to my own fears that I have not yet dealt with, and that me looking at person X's life and creating ideas, perceptions and beliefs about who they are and how they live their life and then reacting emotionally to that, is in fact me deliberately distracting myself from my own fears and so me not taking responsibility for myself within and as my own life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately create the idea and perception in my mind that X's life is better than my life and that who she is and how she lives and expresses herself is better than who I am and how I express myself - so that I can have a point within my mind to give my power away to, by then reacting emotionally to those ideas in my mind, and so that I would not be faced with my life and my responsibility to manifest and direct my life in relation to what is best for myself and so create myself according to who it is that I want to be and what it is that I want to live

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself and see, realize and understand that I am actually afraid of creating my own life and taking my life in my own hands because I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a fear of failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a fear of failing within and as my mind

And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of failing to direct me in relation to my life and myself - by accepting and allowing my awareness and attention to be guided and directed away from in every moment seeing and directing my own life, towards looking at and observing how other people live their lives and express themselves -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that as long as I do not fact my fear of failing and as long as I do not walk through the fear and actually take my life into my own hands, within and as the realization that my life is in fact in my own hands --- then I am actually manifesting 'failure' within and as my life, as I am not actually in every moment directing myself towards making my life a success

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as an emotional reaction and experience within myself of anger towards and directed to X in relation to her expression - where, I believe that I am feeling angry because of how she is behaving, because 'she isn't paying attention to the people around her, as she is too busy fiddling with her phone' --- instead of being honest with myself and with what is really going on in my mind as to the real actual origin and starting point of this reaction of anger, and see, realize and understand that within this experience of anger, I am diminishing X within my mind, because within and as the emotional reaction of jealousy I was placing X on a pedestal and making her superior within my mind

So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider participating within this emotional experience of anger towards X instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the anger is a consequence of not having dealt with and released the emotional reaction and experience of jealousy, wherein I had accepted and allowed myself to give away my power to the thoughts in my mind that X is better than me and her life is better than mine - and where now with getting angry I am attempting to get that power back by diminishing X within and as thoughts and backchat in relation to her expression

So I forgive myself that I haven't been honest with myself in relation to how I gave my power within my mind by reacting emotionally to thoughts in my mind wherein I was placing X on a pedestal by believing that she and her life is better than me and my life - and that I have accepted and allowed myself to go and react with an experience of anger, and actually take it out and blame it on X, within and as the belief and thought in my mind  that I am reacting with anger because of who X is and how she is behaving - instead of being honest with myself and taking responsibility for this experience of anger within myself within and as the realization, insight and understanding that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the experience and backchat of anger, by giving my power away within and as the experience and backchat of jealousy

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see the experience of jealousy coming up within myself towards X or any other person that I am looking at and observing in my environment, connected with internal backchat that 'they are so much better than me in their expression and in the way that they live their life' - then I stop and I breathe - and I see, realize, understand and make myself aware of how I am, within my 'looking at' and 'observing' this person and their expression, I am in fact busy creating ideas and perceptions and interpretations in my own mind which means that I am deliberately creating a platform to react emotionally

I see, realize and understand that, within applying and participating within this 'looking at' and 'observing' this other person or other people and creating ideas, perceptions and beliefs in my mind about 'who they are', I am giving away my 'energy' and 'attention' and so I am creating the experience within myself that I am 'less' than this person that I am looking at and observing --- and so basically within that I am creating the emotional reaction of jealousy, wherein I 'want what they have' and I want to be what they are and live what I perceive and believe they are living, as I have created the perception and experience that their life and their expression is 'better', 'more' and 'superior' to mine

I see, realize and understand that thus I am experiencing the emotional experience of jealousy not because the people that I am watching, looking at and observing are really truly 'more' or 'better' or 'superior' to myself - but actually because I want to react emotionally to what I am seeing with my eyes, just so that I could divert my attention away from  the fears that I am dealing within within myself in relation to my own life and my reality

So, within this, I see, realize and understand that I am entirely responsible for having created the emotional experience within myself of jealousy - as I see, realize and understand that it is not about another person being or having 'more' than myself, it is in fact about me deliberately giving my power away through creating ideas and perceptions and beliefs about the people that I see with my eyes because I don't want to look at myself and my own life and I don't want to take responsibility for developing and building and nurturing my own life and expression, as I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear of failure in relation my the future and in relation to how I direct and live my life

So here, I commit myself to, instead of creating distractions in my mind within and as thoughts and emotional reactions in relation to other people that I see around me in my environment just so that I wouldn't have to face and experience my internal fears in relation to myself and my life - be courageous and honest with myself and bring my attention and awareness back to myself, every time that I catch myself experiencing jealousy in relation to people that I am observing and looking at in my outside world, by immediately realizing, seeing and understanding that this experience of jealousy, wherein I am channelling and projecting all of my focus and all of myself outward into this image/picture of another person that I am seeing with my eyes, is based on a fear inside of myself that I am trying to run away from

So, I commit myself to face my personal fears of failure and fear of the future in relation to my own life - and to stand up within and as myself as the self-directive principle of myself and my world and reality -- because I see, realize and understand that the fear of failure and fear of the future in fact only comes up within myself if and when I accept and allow myself to give my power away and if and when I do not in every moment of breath stand as the directive principle of and as myself

Thus, I do not accept and allow myself to give my power away to this polarity experience of jealousy, as the experience of 'wanting what others have', and fear of failing in my life -- but to rather remain stable within and as my breath and my moment-to-moment existing within and as the physical body, wherein I stand and exist within and as control and power

And within this, when and as I see an experience of anger coming up within myself, wherein I am in my mind having backchat in relation to X or any other person in relation to specific expressions that I see within them, like 'X not paying attention to her environment cause she is fiddling with her phone' - then I stop and breathe, and I see, realize and understand that I am in that moment deliberately diminishing this person's expression within my mind, because somewhere within myself I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away within and as specific thoughts and backchat wherein I had in fact diminished and inferiorized myself, and so this experience of anger is in fact me within my mind trying to take back that power

Herein I see, realize and understand that the only real way wherein I can get my power back, is not by trying to diminish others in my mind and give myself a specific energetic experience of 'superiority', 'power' and 'control', but by in the first place taking responsibility for the specific thoughts, backchats and emotional reactions and experiences in my mind that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in and give my power away to, wherein I am for instance placing other people on a pedestal and defining them as superior to myself through the perceptions, ideas and beliefs that I create in my mind when I am looking at and observing them

Thus, I commit myself to not accept or allow myself to give my power away to the mind-construct of jealousy as the 'looking at' and observing another person and reacting with thoughts and backchat about her expression wherein I create the illusion that her expression is in some way 'more' than my expression - to create and develop an awareness within myself in relation to when I step into this 'looking at' and 'observing', to always make sure that I do not channel my awareness and focus into what my eyes are seeing, but that I always remain Here, within and as my own physical body and the awareness of my breathing