2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority Part 2
Changing a Experience of Inferiority in Real-Time
- See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/10/2014-belittled-mouse-and-roaring-lion.html#sthash.GmIYiEiI.dpuf
2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority -- Part 3
Changing an Experience of Inferiority in Real-Time
2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority Part 2
Changing a Experience of Inferiority in Real-Time
- See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/10/2014-belittled-mouse-and-roaring-lion.html#sthash.GmIYiEiI.dpuf
2014 The Belittled Mouse and the Roaring Lion - Me Facing Inferiority Part 2
Changing a Experience of Inferiority in Real-Time
- See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/10/2014-belittled-mouse-and-roaring-lion.html#sthash.GmIYiEiI.dpufIn Part 1 and Part 2 I have began opening up a tendency that I experienced within my mind in terms of how I would react to specific situations or rather to how I perceived and interpreted those situations in my mind. When I perceived or interpreted that my partner was in some way upset, unhappy, angry or in an annoyed state, then my reaction to that would be one of going into fear, inferiority, insecurity and self-doubt as essentially the opposite of the reactions that I perceived within him. And thus within this reaction I interpreted and experienced him to be the 'dominant' person and myself the 'victim' or 'dominated' person within the relationship.
This
reaction in itself would then end up sparking other emotional reactions like
blame and anger within myself since I was busy projecting this dominant
personality within him and so implicitly placing him responsible for the
inferiority and fear that I was experiencing within myself.
Since
opening it up within and through the application of the Desteni tools, I have
been able to develop more of an understanding of what happens within myself
when I go into this emotionally overwhelming experience in those specific
situations and through this, I have been more able to breathe through most of
the reactions when I see them entering my mind. However, because this specific
system is so deeply ingrained within myself, it exists in multiple layers that
I must still open up and investigate so that I can start moving through the
deeper layers of this mind-construct and so I can stop myself from going into
the overwhelmingness of it and so not end up losing myself in this construct.
What I
have been investigating and looking at in the past few days is the joker
character that I step into in my interaction with my partner, wherein I most of
the time I am in this 'joking' mood and am trying to keep the conversations
'light' and 'fun' by making jokes of things and playfully ridiculing things or
poking fun at things. I discovered that it is actually this specific character
and me accessing it in relation to my partner, that is another layer of the
mind which contributes to why I feel insecure, inferior and fearful within
myself in towards him in moments.
I have
always defined the joker character as a fun and good personality trait, which
is why I use it to try and make and keep people in my relationships happy,
within and as the motto that as long as people are laughing, then they are
having fun and feeling good and thus they feel good about me, thus they love
me. However it is exactly that starting point behind this 'joking around'
behaviour and personality trait, of doing it because I want people to love me,
which is creating the opposite experience within myself.
When I
look at my general experience in relation to people, I would say that it is
actually rather negative. Most of the time I feel insecure about myself,
self-conscious, inferior and I often believe or feel like people don't actually
like me all that much. And by having investigated this joker personality within
myself, I have seen, realized and understood that I feel this way because my
starting point within how I express myself in relation to the people around me,
is one wherein I am actually already from the get go assuming that people won't
like me for who I am and that I need to be, behave and express myself as this
'likeable' persona, within and as for instance making jokes and 'being funny',
in order to generate positive feelings about me within people so that based on
those positive feelings, they would 'like me'.
So it is
fascinating how that works, that while I am busy exerting this energetically
charged personality which exists entirely for the purpose of making people
happy and making people laugh and like me, I am simultaneously actually
creating the opposite experience within myself and I don't even notice. So I
end up feeling as though, the harder I try to get people to like me within that
positively charged 'likeable' personality of joking around, the more I end up
feeling negative within myself and within that I essentially experience exactly
that which I feared experiencing in the first place. And all the while I never
noticed that it was within my very participating in the positive energy, that I
was creating the negative experience and so creating the very thing that I was
fearing.
I am
starting to see the consequences of my participating in this personality system
more acutely since I have become aware of it -- I can see the negative
experience of fear, inferiority and insecurity coming up in the moment right
after I made that joke or poked fun or tried to make something sound funny or
light. Because, the problem isn't that I am making a joke, the problem is that
I do it with an energy experience, that I am trying to create a specific
experience within the other person from the starting point of believing and
assuming within myself that they won't and don't like me for who I am.
It is
fascinating to see how it is never about what I do as it is about my starting
point behind and within what I do. The starting point determines what I will
create. So, if my starting point is the belief that I am not being liked or
loved, then no matter what I do to try and prevent or change that, I will end
up feeling unloved and disliked. Whereas if I express myself without
necessarily wanting to be 'more' or be
'positive', 'funny', 'likeable', 'sociable' or 'fun', then I already stand
within the realization and understanding that I am alright as who I am .
Obviously
that point of seeing who I actually am, and so seeing beyond the personality
constructs, does take a process of getting to know yourself and walking through
conscious and subconscious layers of the mind. I believed for a very long time
that this joker personality is who I really am, that it was my 'true
expression', my natural real expression and that I was 'just being me' when I
was busy making fun of things or trying to liven things up or lighten the mood
with a joke. It is however only recently that I became aware of the energetic
dynamic that is really playing out within and behind it.
And I
could only see that because of the steps that I have already walked previously
within investigating and changing the experience of inferiority within myself
in relation to people - a process that I have specifically been walking in
relation to my partner, as that is where the experience of inferiority came up
more intensely and noticeably. A process wherein I have been slowly but surely
peeling away the layers within and of my consciousness that constitute the
emotional experience of feeling inferior and insecure within myself in
relationships with the people in my world and reality.
This
point thus, the existence of a personality system of wanting to make people
laugh and feel good through making jokes is another layer that I have
discovered within myself and for which I have now, through having applied the
tool of writing in self-honesty, laid the foundation for change. And that
change is what I can manifest through applying the tool of written
self-forgiveness and self-correction and then living the actual physical change
in real-time moments of not allowing myself to go into the joker personality
and instead remain stable within myself rather than expressing myself from the
starting point of energetic movements such as the desire to make people happy
and get people to like me through exerting specific behaviour. And thus, by living
that change in real-time moments, I will condition myself into living in a way
that creates actual stability within my relationships with people, so that I
can start giving myself the opportunity to find out and discover the true
potential of relationships and myself within relationships with people.
The
Following is the specific Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective statements that
I have written down to assist and support myself within releasing the joker
character and preparing the way for myself to start changing this character in
real-time.
Self-Forgiveness
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a
personality system wherein I think and believe that I must be funny and
fun-loving and enjoyable for other people so that other people would love and
accept me, when I am in the presence of people
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go into that
preprogrammed personality expression of wanting to be fun and funny and wanting
to make the other person laugh whenever I am with X and to define myself
entirely within and as that tendency to
'want to make him laugh' --- and not seeing and realizing what I am actually
busy creating and what I am actually doing within and as myself, which is going
into a specific energetic experience motivated by a fear within myself of not
being loved and accepted and therein creating the experience within and as
myself that I am not loved or accepted
I forgive
myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and
understand that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into a polarity within
myself of fearing that X doesn't love me and desire for X to love me -- and
that from that starting point within myself, I then start to desperately look
for ways to make sure that X will love me, for instance by expressing myself
within and as joking around, making jokes, being goofy and trying to be fun and
make X laugh -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that what I am
actually doing is separating myself from X by firstly defining myself within
and as the reaction of fear of not being loved and desire to be loved and
secondly then trying to play into and manipulate paul's feelings through
exerting a specific personality behaviour, and that because of that separation
that I am busy creating within myself from paul as myself I actually end up
feeling inferior and even more insecure and fearful than I did before
I forgive
myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for
the energy experiences within myself of fear of not being loved and desire to
be loved that activates within myself in relation to X - by having accepted and
allowed myself to define myself within and as the personality expression of
'being fun-loving', 'making jokes',
'joking around', 'not taking anything seriously' and 'being playful' and
so hiding what is really going on within myself as the actual starting point of
that personality system as who I believe myself to be
And so I
forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be honest with
myself about what is really going on within myself and so not hide experiences
of fear behind positively charged personality systems - within and as the
realization, insight and understanding that I create who and what I am within
and as myself, regardless of how I behave or how I appear to be within and as
my 'personality expression' --- and that if I exist within myself within and as
a fear of not being loved then the experience of not being loved is what I will
end up creating, no matter how much I try to be 'likeable' and 'loveable' to
other people --- if anything, the more I try, the more I am actually
reinforcing and validating that point of fear that is at the starting point of
it
I forgive
myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to express who I really am as
a being in relation to X by having accepted and allowed myself to express
myself within and as a personality system based on experiences of fear and
desire within my mind
And I
forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and
understand that, because I haven't been expressing myself within and as
self-honesty, as who I really am as a being -- I have also not been able to see
who X is as a being and I have been experiencing insecurities and fears because
of that separation that I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself from
myself as a being and from X as a being
I forgive
myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and
understand that if and when I preoccupy myself with fears and desires in
relation to X loving me, and the
experience of insecurity, fear and inferiority that is the consequences
of that preoccupation, then I am not seeing X as who he is within and as
physical reality and I am not perceptive, attentive or aware of what is going
on within him --- because every expression that he makes, I immediately
interpret within and as that polarity of fear and desire for him to love me
that I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself, wherein I take
everything that he does, says and expresses personally and so don't actually
get to know him
And I
forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize
and understand that if and when I don't let go of the energetically charged
personality within myself and preoccupation in my mind of wanting X to love me
and see and consider who X is and what is going on with and within X, then I am
in fact only fuelling the experiences of insecurity and fear within myself in
relation to X because those experiences are defined within and as ideas,
beliefs and perceptions in the mind, which are based on a lack of insight and
understanding of what is really going on in physical reality
I forgive
myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to stand within and as the
principle and realization that I create who and what I am within and as myself
- and thus the realization that if I express myself and if I exist within and
as the starting point of insecurity and fear within myself within and as the
fear of not being loved, then I will create exactly what my starting point
already is, which is fear and insecurity --- and I will this experience more
fear and insecurity, the more I express myself from the starting point of fear
and insecurity
I forgive
myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and
understand that it is my responsibility to love myself and to create the
starting point of self-love and self-acceptance and self-respect within and as
myself - so that from that starting point I can create that which exist within
and as myself in my external world and reality --- within and as the principle
of who and what I am is what I will create
I forgive
myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and
understand that, by defining myself within and as the personality system of
wanting to make people laugh by trying to be funny and fun and enjoyable, I am abdicating my
responsibility for how I actually feel within myself within and as the
experience of fear of not being loved - and that I am therein indirectly
blaming other people for not loving me and so for that fear that I am experiencing
within myself --- instead of being self-honest and seeing, realizing and
understanding that I am responsible for how I experience myself within myself
and standing one and equal with the point of fear and desire in relation to
'being loved' and so standing within and
as the point of self-love
I forgive
myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility to
create who I am within and as myself as what I want to see and experience in my
world and reality - within and as the realization and understanding that who I
am within and as myself is what I create - and so that I have never accepted
and allowed myself to create myself as the living expression and statement of
self-love, one and equal with the love that I want to see and experience within
my external world and reality
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as
the emotional experiences of insecurity and fear, connected to the thoughts in
my mind that X doesn't love me or that people don't love me - and that I have
therein accepted and allowed myself to indirectly blame X and 'people' for how
I am experiencing myself -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that
these experiences of fear and insecurity are consequences of the separation
that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist from myself and others as
myself by having accepted and allowed myself to express and define myself
within and as the personality system of wanting to be fun, enjoyable and
loveable for other people and by not having accepted and allowed myself to be
honest with myself about and take responsibility for how I really feel and who
I really am within and as myself
And so I
forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize
and understand that the thoughts in my mind that 'X doesn't love me' or 'people
don't love me', connected with experiences of insecurity and fear, actually
show and indicate that I don't love myself and that I do not exist within and
as self-love within and as myself and that I have not taken responsibility to
create the love that I want to see and experience in my world and reality
within and as myself first and foremost
I forgive
myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be aware of who I am
within and as myself when I express myself within and as the personality system
of joking around and wanting to be playful and funny and wanting to make X or
other people laugh - and so not be aware of what it is that I am actually busy
creating through the starting point from which I am expressing myself
I forgive
myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and
understand that personality systems always exist from the starting point of
fear because within and as a personality system I am busy limiting all of who I
am by defining myself within and as a specific set of expressions and
descriptions as being the 'who' I want other people to think I am and see me
as, such as 'fun', 'funny', 'lovely' and
'fun-loving' in an attempt to control specific factors in my external
world and reality which I think and believe are causing the fear that I am
experiencing within myself
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider defining myself
within and as a personality system as accepted and allowed self-limitation
instead of being honest with myself about the fears that exist within myself
and that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for --
and see, realize and understand that if and when I accept and allow myself to
express and define myself within and as a personality system, then I am in fact
separating myself from the very thing that I am wanting to experience and have
and that I am using the personality system for, because within and as a
personality system I am wanting and needing other people to give me a specific
experience, rather than me creating that experience within and as myself
So I
forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize
and understand that, within and as the personality system of wanting to be
loved by trying to make people laugh and trying to be funny and fun and
loveable, I am in fact separating myself from the love that I am wanting,
needing and searching for by projecting it outside of myself within and as the
desire for other people to love me
I forgive
myself that I have have accepted and allowed myself to define the personality
system of joking around and being fun and funny and not taking things seriously
as something 'positive' - instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that
the tendency to want to make jokes and make fun out of things and make things
humorous, comes the starting point of fear of getting hurt and rejected if I
wouldn't go into that personality expression and if I were to simply be and
express who I am in the moment without trying to generate positive feelings and
without trying to make people laugh and enjoy themselves
I forgive
myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and
understand that I actually fear being 'serious', because taking things
seriously means that I really invest myself within my expression and I have
accepted and allowed myself to interpret that as being vulnerable to people's
reaction to me and my expression
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take myself or others
'seriously' out of fear of being hurt and because I think and believe that if I
make a joke out of everything and in that, pretend that I don't really care
about anything, then I will not get hurt
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the joker personality to
protect myself from getting hurt - instead of seeing, realizing and
understanding that in fact I am the one hurting myself by not existing within
and as self-love and believe that I have to be a specific personality so that
other people would love me
I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need the joker
personality to interact with people because I don't have self-respect or
self-love --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that self-respect
and self-love is something that I have to build over time, through remaining
consistent within myself --- and that, each time I accept and allow myself to
react with fear in relation to people and from the fear accept and allow myself
to go into the joker personality, I confirm to myself and condition into myself
that I have no self-love or self-respect and that the desire to be loved and
fear of not being loved by people is who I am
Self-Corrective Statements
When and
as I see myself wanting to express myself in a 'joking' and 'fun' or 'funny'
way in relation to paul or other people - I stop and breathe - and I see,
realize and understand that I am busy 'trying' to be someone or do something
and within that trying I am not being simply myself and I am in fact making a
statement that I am not good enough and that I believe that people don't
actually like me for who I am and that therefore I must be something or someone
else for people to like me
And I
see, realize and understand that what I create is always one and equal with my
starting point - and that if my starting point is the belief that people don't
like me, then no matter what I do or how I express myself, I will always feel
like people just don't like me
I see,
realize and understand that when I am going into a positive and high
energetically charged experience within myself when I express myself, for
instance when I go into a joking character and I try to be 'fun' and 'funny',
then I am in fact simultaneously creating and fuelling a negative point within
myself that I have defined myself within and as - such as a fear that people
don't like me and a belief that people don't like me -- and that thus, the more
I accept and allow myself to go into that positive experience in relation to my
expression wherein I am trying to hide and suppress the fear, the more I in
fact end up feeling afraid and feeling like people don't like me
I commit
myself to live the strength and courage to remain stable within myself when I
am expressing myself around people and to not allow myself to try and get away
from or suppress the fears that I experience within myself in relation to
people not liking my natural expression - and to rather face the fears within
myself and develop and establish self-love and self-acceptance within the
realization that I will always only find in my external reality that which
already exists within myself within and as my starting point
So I
commit myself to live the love and acceptance that I have always longed and
searched for within other people -- as a living statement of who I am --- by
changing these personality traits of wanting to try and be funny and fun and
enjoyable for other people to try and get people to like me, because I see,
realize and understand that all that I am really doing is creating the
experience within myself that people just don't like me by not seeing and
realizing myself as the creator of myself and my existence
I commit
myself to be and become the living word of stability wherein I do not accept or
allow myself to be moved and influenced by the mind as feeling and emotional
experiences, because I see, realize and understand that when I accept and allow
myself to be moved by feeling and emotional experiences within and as
personality systems such as wanting people to like me and trying to be fun and
fun-loving and funny and essentially trying to be 'more' and 'better' than
'myself', that I am giving away my power and all of who I am and I accept and
allow myself to then exist in constant insecurity, uncertainty and inferiority
And so I
commit myself to express myself from the starting point of stability within and
as myself as the realisation and understanding and living statement that I am
'good enough' and that I do not need to be 'more' or 'better' and I do not need
other people to like me so that I can like myself
I am
self-acceptance and I accept myself
unconditionally because that is what is best for myself as life and I see,
realize and understand that unconditional self-acceptance is a real genuine
expression of what life really is as softness and gentleness as in being soft
and gentle on myself by not judging myself or not creating these ideas and
beliefs in my mind that somehow I am 'not good enough'
Life as
who I really am within and as myself is unconditional acceptance and gentleness
