2008 defending and relationships

The Protection/Defense Systems that exist within the FOREARM points of all of humanity is exactly the same – the defense and protection mechanisms used as justification, validation, denial etc. are copied and duplicated by the child from the parents as reactive behaviours and actions, mainly consisting of conflicting arguments of manipulation to defend and protect their own personalized and individualized mind consciousness systems' as the structural resonance within and as them, used to define ‘who they are' within the System

my muscles in my forearms are quite sore, so that is defence system i m taking a look at here.

i defend myself in 'communication' with others. by 'telling' them something, rather than actually self honestly communicating. i make arguments and statements, to defend my 'point of view', just like my parents. that s why i find it difficult to 'communicate' with my parents. because we defend our egos in the same manner, we re equally good at argumenting justifying, denying.
well, maybe my parents are somewhat better at that, as they are older. their defence systems are more 'evolved' and 'stable'.

defending myself with and thru knowledge and informations and ideas and definitions about myself as who i apparantly am as 'different from my parents' and 'different from the beings around me'. not willing to communicate as one and equal to the beings in my world, because that means giving up my ego.
i just had a 'discussion/conversation' with my mother and her boyfriend., where i tried to speak self honestly yet i couldnt seem to step out of the discussion as reactions.

that s why i dont like my mother, her boyfriend and my father. and most of my friends(my female friends). as they all resemble me, they all are like me. they do the same: they justify themselves in the same manner as me.

in a way when i m 'communicating ' in that way with them i feel powerless, because i want to convince them, desparately. yet their arguments in defending of themselves seem to be more stable. in my justifications i m also looking for recognition and validation from them, cause of my desire for relationship.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to defend myself against what other beings say to me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to defend my point of view
i forgive myself for allowing myself to make definitions and ideas and opinions of and around myself, that i then want to defend because they are apparantly who i am
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to turn self honesty and self responsability and the process and oneness and equality into a definition of me , that i can use to separate myself from others and that i have to defend
i forgive myself for allowing myself to in communication with others, use arguments, justifications and validations in defence of my point of view as my ego as who i ve allowed myself to become
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe i must use arguements and validations and justifications to prove a point or to prove myself to other beings
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to defend my expression
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that aslong as i believe i must defend myself, i am not expressing myself self honestly within and as oneness and equality
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear looking or seeming ridiculous in the eyes of others and therefore want to defend myself thru arguments and justifications to prove myself as valid towards others
i forgive myself for allowing myself to not stand as what i say, and in that not having to defend anything
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to communicate with others within and as reactions as the desire for relationship
i forgive myself for allowing myself to communicate with others as separate from myself as the desire for relationships
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to prove myself to other beings
i forgive myself for allowing myself to use arguements and justifications in communication instead of common sense
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that if i do not defend my ego in that way, i will be vulnerable and too open
i forgive myself for allowing myself to be weak by giving my power away to others in the desire for them to validate me
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to want to prove my existence as valid to my parents and friends
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to step into defence mode whenever someone reacts to what i say
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to speak common sense here, as me, as oneness and equality
i forgive myself for allowing defence and defending to exist within me
i forgive myself for allowing msyelf to defend myself from oneness and equality
i forgive myself for allowing myself to defend and protect myself from taking self responsability as one and equal with the beings i communicate with
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to communicate with other beings from ego as personality that needs defending and protection
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe andfear that if i do not defend what i say and do, i will be ridiculed and mocked
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to fear being mocked and ridiculed
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that i can only be mocked and ridiculed or feel that way when i m trying to prove myself
i forgive myself for not allowign myself to realise that within self honesty, ridicule and mockery does not exist
i forgive myself for having allowed ridicule and mockery to exist within me
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to define myself according to what i say and do
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to define myself according to what i think other beings think about what i say and do
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to defend myself from judgements, negative judgements
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want other beings to agree with me , instead of me unconditionally agreeing with myself
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that i cannot convince beings of self honesty and self acceptance, convincing is done as the mind.
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that when i m trying to convince other beings of self honesty and self acceptance, i m actually keeping the system 'alive', as convincing and defending is of the mind. as we are all constantly convincing others and defending ourselves so we wouldnt have to take SELF responsability
i forgive myself for allowing myself to speak from and as knowledge as the mind, knowledge that needs to be justified and validated, knowledge that needs understanding and appreciation from others
i forgive myself for allowing myself to speak empty words and blaming others for speaking empty words, while not realising i am doing it myself
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to separate myself from other beings by 'letting them know something', 'telling them something', instead of me expressing me, alone, here
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to chose my words when i speak, so they will be 'right', so they will be convincing, so they will not be ridiculed
i forgive myself for allowing myself to build up a fence as justifications validations and denials around me as defence for my ego
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to react to reactions of other beings towards what i say
or do
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to prove myself as self honest and self responsible
instead of actually being self honest and taking self responsability
i forgive myself for allowing myself to speak from and as desire for relationships, in which i as the ego i ve become can be validated and acknowledged
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that i become what i react to, as i deny it withing myself
i forgive myself for allowing myself to deny others within myself as denials from and as my ego
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that 'I' have something to say that matters and that others should listen to and understand
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to believe that i hold the 'truth', i know, i am the best
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to see other beings as a threat
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to see the other being within myself
i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel misunderstood by other beings
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that i am misunderstanding myself in wanting others to understand me, becuase i am not allowing myself to realise myself as one and equal to this other being
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to be right
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to be weak in wanting other beings to validate my expression
i forgive myself for havingallowed myself to not want to be one and equal to other beings , not want to give up my apparent 'self'
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to define myself according to desire for relationship, desire for others to validate and recognise me
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to try to manipulate other beings in my world into recognising me
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to try to stay in control of my world and the beings in it, so i can manipulate them into giving me what i want
i forgive myself for havinga llowed myself to 'be aware' of the beings in my world, more than myself, so i can use them and operate and manipulate them into giving me what i want which is recognition and validation and attention
i forgive myslef for not allowing myself to realise that the only reason why i want attention from others is because i ve never allowed myself to give attention to myself
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to spend my undivided attention only on myself, as i am the only one that is HERE
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to define myself according to 'recognition' 'attention' and 'validation'
i forgive myself for allowing myself to feel lost without the idea of relationships with other beings
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear feeling lost when i am completely alone
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to fear trusting myself, because i believe i would be lost as only myself
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that i have always been lost in trusting others and seeking attention from others, i would be found if i simply allow myself to trust myself
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear lostness
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that all in creation atm is lost in systems, i have to take self responsability and find myself by letting go of all relationships, as they keep me lost in and as the mind consciousness system
i must give confirmation and validation and recognition and attention to myself
i must notice myself
i must trust myself
i must find myself
i must see myself
i must love myself
i must accept myself

i forgive myself for having allowed myself to have the desire for relationship and recognition built in in my human physical body
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to have become a robot that needs to be told what to do and what to be, that needs to be moved by others as operators
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to be operated by others because of my desire for recognition from them
i forgive myself for allowing myself to hold on to the relationships of my mind as thoughts of other beings, as memories as feelings and emotions as if it were life lines, there to 'hold me in place'
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to lock myself into a limited existence where i want everything i do and say to be recognised by others
i forgive myself for having allowe dmyself to live for others, for the idea of other beings in my mind
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that 'others' are ideas in my mind, they dont really exist as the pictures i so with my human physical eyes
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to pay more attention to the pictures of other beings in my mind, searching recognition from them, than to be me here and pay attention to me
as one and equal to the pictures in my mind
i forgive myself for allowing msyelf to believe that i need another to constantly confirm me, and tell me that what i am doing is 'alright' and 'ok'
i forgive myself for allowing myself to desire sex
i forgive myself for allowing myself to desire transferring the system i ve allowed myself to become onto another
i forgive myself for allowing myself to desire being able to talk to other beings
i forgive myself for allowing myself to desire being around other beings
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe in the illusion that if there are other humans around me, i am not alone
i forgive myself for allowing myself to create beliefsystems around what it means to be alone
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear the thought and idea of being alone as 'lonelyness'
i forgive myself for allowign loneliness to exist within me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to divert my attention from breath here, to desire for relationship, desire to do things
i forgive myself for allowing myself to not really want to be breath, but to want to 'escape', within relationship
i forgive myself for allowing myself to attempt to escape myself within relationship with others
i forgive myself for allowing myself to not want to give up the desire, and just be here, self presence
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to lock into relationships as i locked myself into the mind
i forgive myself for allowing myself to desire being the mind as relationships
i forgiv emyself for allowing myself to believe i am desire
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that i am a picture in a picture world, so not alone when there are other pictures around
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to create a relationship with bernard in and as my mind, as someone who can give me the recognition that i believe i need
i forgive myself for having allowed myself to create a relationship with all the beings at desteni forum in and as my mind, as beings that i can compare myself with
i forgive myself for having allowe dmyself to compare myself with beings just so i would not feel alone, so i would not have to take complete self responsability
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to escape the shit that i ve allowed to exist within me, by wanting relationships, as a cover up, as desire, as the illusion that i am 'ok'
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that it is impossible for me to accept the fact that i am alone, to accept myself
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that i AM alone, the mind will not accept this, but i do, i accept myself as alone
all one here as me

till here and no further:
i am HERE
i am ALONE
i recognise myself
i validate myself
i love myself
i accept myself
i am life
i do not exist within and as relationships as the mind

2008 meaning

i forgive myself for allowing myself to search for an experience that would represent me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to search for an experience as i imagine how it 'life' would be
i forgive myself for allowing myself to search for an experience where i can feel as though i ve reached something within myself
i forgive myself for allowing myself to not be content with the moment here but reach for something that i think is in the possible next moment
i forgive myself for allowing myself to be impatient
i forgive myself for allowing myself to WANT life to be an experience
i forgive myself for allowing myself to WANT experiences that would replace sexual exitement
i forgive myself for allowing myself to WANT exitement in 'my life'
i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that i exist on exitement
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to feel exited about someone or something
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to see
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to be
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to replace sex with an experience that would give me also satisfaction
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to be satisfied
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to reach a point where i can just be, where all will be over and i am just here
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to realise that i AM here the only thing stopping and preventing me from seeing that is the desire to be someone or something
i forgive myself for allowing myself to see my life as a succession of experiences that got me to this point
i forgive myself for allowing myself to consider even one of those 'experiences' as valid or important or even real
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to have something to show for myself
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to be of use to other beings
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want experiences that i can share and talk about
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to make something of my life
i forgive myself for allowing myself to be impatient towards possible experiences in the future
i forgive myself for allowing myself to fear possible experiences in the future
i forgive myself for allowing myself to try to see further than the moment here within predictions
which are only of the mind based on the past which gets projected into the future
i forgive myself for allowing myself to see myself as an experience, something that can change and alter and that has meaning
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to give meaning to myself and what i am doing or what i have done or have been doing
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want other beings to give meaning to what i do have done or am doing
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to matter without realising that all i am is matter, as the human physical body
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to feel like i mean something
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to feel like i am someone
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to just be by wanting to force myself into some kind of experience of how and who i think i 'really am'
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to think i am special and meaningful and that i am 'making a difference'
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want other beings to think i am special and meaningful
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want need and desire a purpose as some kind of future projection of myself that tells me that 'i m going to become someone significant', 'i will mean something'
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to be of use to other beings
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want the beings around me to like having me around or like hearing me speak because they believe that i mean something
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to other beings such as sunette, the dimensions or bernard or other beings in process
actively participating on the forum
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to certain things that i do or can or could do, for instance, writing self forgiveness, speaking to people, speaking to bernard, talking to people about self forgiveness, making a video, making a blog, writing on the forum, eating, sleeping, etc
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to the thoughts other beings might possibly have about me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to the feelings other beings might possibly have about me
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to my own thoughts about beings, situations, things, etc
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to my own feelings about beings, situations, things, etc
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to my past
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to my memories
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to my dreams
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to music
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to my body
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to the way i look
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to other beings experiences and life stories
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to my parents
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to my friends
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to words
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to implications
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to things that other beings give meaning to because i feel like i have to respect other beings in their principles thoughts and emotions and feelings
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to the illusion that is the mind consciousness system
i forgive myself for allowing myself to imply things when i speak to beings
i forgive myself for allowing myself to mean things when i speak to beings
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to touch
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to pictures of naked beings
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to things i said to beings in the past
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to things i did in the past
i forgive myself for allowing myself to want to give meaning to the future
which does not exist
i forgive myself for allowign myself to want to give meaning and purpose to the moment, to want to think that i am doing something that will amount to something
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to money
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to animals
i forgive myself for allowing mysefl to give meaning to death
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to sensations
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to what other beings say or do
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to simply be here by defining everything and by wanting to define things and myself and other beings
i forgive myself for allowing myself to give meaning to fear by wanting to avoid it and by reacting to it with more fear
meaning is illusion
tillhere and no further:
i am here
i m not ment to be
i am myself and i accept myself
i cannot be anything or anyone else than me here
there are no experiences no past or future all is here as me
noting matters nothing is important
i am stable and constant as breath