2014 From Jealousy to Self-Expression

2014 From Jealousy to Self-Expression

How I Faced and Stopped the Jealousy Demon within Myself

I had this really vivid and intense nightmare last night and when I woke up and spoke to someone about it - within the process of looking at the dream and investigating it from the starting point of what it is that I am, through the dream, showing myself about how I exist within myself and what points I should be looking at within walking my process of Self-Change and Self-Realization, I didn't actually really look at the part of the dream that was the most intense and impactful. It was only when this person that I was having a discussion with about the dream pointed it out to me that I started to see and realize that what this part of the dream was showing me and also the fact that it was the most vivid and intense yet at the same time the most overlooked and ignored section of the dream - was showing me that this is a point that exists within myself that I have not been dealing with or facing and have not even been honest with myself about its existence within myself -- the point being Jealousy.

The events in the dream went as follows. I am looking at these two women having a conversation, where the one woman(woman A) is telling the other woman(woman B) how she met someone and she loves him very much and they are planning on moving far away together, upon which woman B becomes so overtaken with jealousy because she is not experiencing that joy, happiness and fulfillment in her life that she is seeing within woman A's expression, that she decides to keep woman A locked up in her house. Years have passed and I see that woman A who was locked up in woman B's house for all those years looks like a skeleton - skin over bones and extremely pale and weak. While I am watching this scene play out and sympathizing with woman A who was locked up, I start screaming for help to the people that I see walking passed the window (in the dream I identify myself with woman A so I am both bystander and observer as well as that woman - so in that moment when I am screaming, it is also her screaming) - then woman B becomes so absolutely enraged and filled with hate, fury and spite, that she digs into the flesh of woman A with her fingernails and rips out her spine. The dream continues for a bit after that but for the purpose of this blog I will be looking at this section specifically - as it reveals very nicely how the mind-construct of jealousy works and what it actually does within myself, or rather what I do to myself when I accept and allow myself to step into this mind-construct.

So, looking at the dream and in being able to understand  and see what the dream represents in relation to who I am within and as myself - I 'collapse' the images of the people and I look at the pattern that is playing out as a representation of a pattern that is existent within and as my mind -- wherein I see and realize that each person within the dream is in fact representing a part of myself and the relationships between the people show the relationships that I have created within my mind with those parts of myself. With this specific scene showing me how jealousy works within and as my mind and who I am in my relationship with myself with regards to jealousy.

The two women thus are both me - where woman B is me within and as the experience and mind-construct of jealousy and woman A is me as a being - and looking at the characters that they play in the dream, I can see that there is a polarity-construct going on, as the one woman is experiencing and exerting all this anger, fury, intensity, power, resentment and blind hate and the other one is completely weakened and had the life sucked out of her by this anger, resentment and hate that is being acted out on her by woman B. So, that is essentially what I do to myself when I go into an experience of jealousy, is that with me becoming emotionally enveloped within experiences of hate, anger and resentment and generating a feeling of 'power' within my mind through accessing spiteful backchat and internal conversations directed towards the person that I feel jealous of - I am simultaneously diminishing who I am as a being, to the point that actually I as a being don't really exist within myself anymore because I have channeled all of my existence and beingness into the experience of jealousy within the mind as I am busy focusing my attention on how someone else is living their life.

Also the point of the spine being ripped out from the woman who is representing me as a being - shows that when I go into the mind-construct of jealousy, I become 'spineless' - meaning that within my mind, my backchat and my reactions, there exists no integrity, self-respect, self-worth, self-value, self-acceptance or any regard for life within myself or another at all -- as I accept and allow the jealousy-construct to define me so completely that I lose all awareness of who I actually really am as a being, through accepting and allowing myself to access that specific secretive nature of hate, resentment and spite towards another being within my mind. And if I really have an honest look at who and what I become within that experience of jealousy and at the fact that when that experience comes up in my mind I tend to not even question it and immediately believe that it is 'me', then it becomes clear to me that I have not yet developed a real starting point within myself in relation to knowing who I am as a being - because I would so easily believe that such an essentially 'evil' nature, expression and experience is 'me' -- though I wouldn't consciously admit it to myself that this is in fact what is going on within and as my mind.

Then the point of me screaming to other people for help when witnessing this situation in my dream - implies and reveals to me that I tend to victimize myself in relation to such experiences of for instance jealousy within my mind. Meaning that I don't actually want to take responsibility for the existence of such experiences within myself because I don't want to face that sort of 'evil' within and as myself - I don't want to accept, see or realize that the 'evil' character and persona as depicted by that woman in my dream, is in fact a part of me that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself. And so I will want other people to help me whenever I am facing these sorts of 'bad' and 'negative' experiences within myself because I have separated myself from it by having created the idea and belief that somehow it is 'not me' - that I am a victim of these experiences. Which is obviously ludicrous because I mean it does in fact exist within me, so it cannot be anything else but me.

Below I am sharing the self-forgiveness process that I have walked within opening this point up,  releasing it and correcting it within myself. However I will still have to walk a practical real-time process of proving to myself that my process of release and correction and self-change has in fact been effective -- which means that if I see and find that when the experience of jealousy comes up within myself and I am still accepting and allowing myself to get lost within it, that I will have to re-investigate and find the point in relation to the experience where I am giving away my self-responsibility and allowing this mind-construct to have power over me.

Self-Forgiveness Statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the mind-construct of jealousy to exist within myself in separation of myself - where in some moments, when seeing other people have things that I desire, I feel myself becoming overtaken with an experience of jealousy  that comes up within myself to the extent that I lose all track of myself as my integrity and dignity, self-respect and self-worth as I become so enveloped within and as that onedimensional experience of spitefulness, resentment and hate in relation to seeing this other individual have and experience what I want and desire  as something that i haven't actually given to myself

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the experience of jealousy to and towards something that I see within another woman - will specifically be in relation to a specific expression that I see within her that I haven't given to myself because I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and suppress my expression

And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually go into that experience of jealousy, connected with hateful, spiteful and resentful backchat towards another being wherein I would for instance wish that they would in some way get hurt or that something goes wrong in their life so that they will feel afraid and inferior like I feel afraid and inferior within myself or where I would want to deliberately not offer them assistance and support when I see that they need it, just so that I could feel a bit better about myself -- instead of taking responsibility for the reason and starting point of why it is that I experience jealousy towards this being in the first place - which is because they represent specific expressions in my world and reality of which I know deep down within myself that I have not given those expressions to myself -- and so actually walk a process of developing and exploring those expressions within and as myself and within that correcting my relationship with myself as well as other people and ensure that I will not direct any emotional experiences or energetic reactions within myself towards other beings  that are in fact reactions to my own relationship that I have created with myself within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become spineless within and as the experience of jealousy, by, when stepping into the experience of jealousy within myself, losing all integrity, self-respect, self-value and dignity within and as myself by experiencing and defining myself within and as an experience of blind hate, resentment, anger and spitefulness towards the person or persons that my jealousy is directed to - by never having questioned this experience of jealousy as a reaction to seeing other women and so never having seen, realized or understood that I react with jealousy when I see an expression within another being that I have suppressed within myself and so I am in fact seeing a part of my beingness represented by and within another being and within and as the experience and reaction of jealousy I am in fact suppressing this expression within myself even more by deliberately distracting my attention away from the reality of myself as the fact and the realization that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress that specific expression within and as myself and that I have thus made myself within and as myself 'inferior' to myself, by then directing all my anger as a reaction to this inferiority that I have created within myself to and towards this other person that is a representation for me of an expression of myself that I have suppressed within and as myself - and therein not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am in fact thus attacking this expression within myself as represented by this being, and thus perpetuating this vicious cycle of self-suppression

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when I react with jealousy towards another person in my mind - I am actually attacking a part of myself as a specific expression that I am seeing projected within and represented by this person and I am within that reaction thus suppressing that expression within and as myself - and thus in fact fueling this experience and reaction of jealousy within myself even more as I continue suppressing that expression within and as myself and then projecting it outwards into and within other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from other people by using them within my mind to create an excuse for myself to distract my attention away from the fact that I have suppressed specific expressions within and of myself by having projected those expressions within other people and then reacting to them in my mind with jealousy and so creating the illusion that this expression 'them' and not 'me' because I have accepted and allowed myself to be unwilling to take responsibility for myself and to actually correct that relationship with myself by developing and nurturing and discovering those expressions of myself that other people are now showing to me within and as my world and reality --- and therein thus using the emotional reaction of jealousy coming up within myself as a tool for myself to be able to recognize and detect the specific expressions that I have suppressed within myself and so to know which expressions I must thus nurture and develop within myself and so give to myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed jealousy to exist within and as myself in my relationship with other beings as myself - as an attack towards other people as myself wherein I am creating absolute separation within and as myself as life by not honouring, respecting and valuing the life and expression of life within and as another and so within and as myself in oneness and equality as the realization and insight that another is myself and what I see within another and what I am reacting to as another is in fact myself

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand what I am actually doing to myself as a being when and as I accept and allow myself to experience jealousy and define myself within and as the experience of jealousy towards another person -- which is that I am depleting, limiting and diminishing myself as my expression and beingness within and as myself  by reacting emotionally to the expression that I see within another and by not seeing, realizing and understanding that within that reaction to another person's expression, I am actually reacting to my own expression and therein keeping my expression suppressed and keeping myself within and as an internal experience of inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a resistance in relation to taking responsibility for the fact that I have suppressed my expression within and as myself and so correcting that internal relationship with myself - and then from that resistance, go into my mind and create an excuse for myself to not take that responsibility for that relationship that I have created with myself within and as myself by then projecting those expressions that I have suppressed within myself onto other beings and the react emotionally within and as jealousy to those beings -- wherein I am then separating myself even further from my own internal expression as I keep on diverting my attention away from who I actually am within and as myself by placing it within other people and my emotional reactions to 'other people' - rather than seeing, realizing and understanding that those apparent 'other people' are really just parts of myself that I have not yet accepted and embraced within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself in relation to the experience and reaction of jealousy when and as it comes up within myself by first of all reacting to the experience of jealousy and the secret spiteful backchat connected it, with wanting to suppress this experience because I have judged it within my mind as 'bad' and 'negative' and because I don't want to see or accept myself as 'bad' or 'negative' and so I will also not want to accept the mind-construct of jealousy -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the only reason why I experience resistance and why I go into a reaction of suppression in relation to the emotional experience of jealousy is because of the fact that I have separated myself from this specific mind-construct by having judged jealousy as something 'bad', and that the experience and mind-construct of jealousy in itself isn't actually really 'bad' or 'negative', as it is a part of myself within and as the mind that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within the pattern of self-victimization that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within in relation to specific emotional experiences and thoughts that I have defined as 'negative' and 'bad' such as 'jealousy', eventually even go into an emotional experience of giving up as a result of fighting and resisting the experience of jealousy within myself from the starting point of not wanting to be honest with myself and accept the reality of myself as how I exist within and as my mind - and thus within that point of giving up essentially make a statement that I am not taking any responsibility for my own internal reality and for the fact that I am deliberately creating a friction and conflict within myself and so eventually a giving up because I am simply not willing to accept and embrace and stand one and equal with the mind-construct of jealousy within myself

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see the experience of jealousy coming up within myself as a reaction to a specific expression that I am seeing within another person, wherein I see myself going into a secret space inside of myself wherein I participate within emotional experiences of hate, spitefulness, resentment and anger towards this individual as a projection of them in my mind, accompanied by and connected to secret backchat wherein I try to look for ways to diminish them and make them inferior within my mind, to try and make myself feel powerful - I stop and breathe - and I see, realize and understand that what I am reacting to and what triggered and activated the reaction of jealousy within myself is that when I saw this specific individual with my eyes I was confronted with a specific expression that I am seeing within them that I am actually suppressing and judging within and as myself and within and as the reaction of jealousy towards this individual I am in fact deliberately diverting my attention away from this relationship of suppression and judgment that I have created within myself in relation to that specific expression within and of myself because I don't really want to take responsibility for myself and actually face my suppressions and judgments that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself

So within this I see, realize and understand that the solution for the emotional reaction and experience of jealousy towards other people - is to take responsibility for the suppressions and judgments as self-limitations that I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself in relation to specific aspects, parts and expressions of myself and to find a way to correct this relationship with myself and therein give myself those specific expressions that I experience jealousy towards, within and as the realization that the reaction of jealousy is in fact just me not being honest with myself about the fact that the expression that I am seeing within the person that I feel jealous of is in fact a part of myself and that within and as the reaction of jealousy I am in fact deliberately separating myself from that expression within and of myself

Where, I see, realize and understand that if and when I accept and allow myself to react within jealousy towards another person and a specific expression that I see within them, and I thus accept and allow myself to go into an 'attack' of that expression by participating in all sorts of hateful, spiteful and resentful backchat and experiences -- that I am therein in fact attacking myself as that expression within and as myself by not seeing, realizing and understanding that the expression that I am seeing within that individual is something that actually does exist within me, I have just never allowed myself to access it as myself and express it within and as myself -- because I have accepted and allowed this vicious cycle to exist within myself where I am constantly attacking my own expression by attacking the expression of other people by reacting within and as jealousy in my mind

And so I commit myself to find and detect and define those expressions that I have suppressed and judged within and as myself through for instance using the experience of jealousy as a tool - where, when I see the experience of jealousy coming up within myself, I step back within myself and I investigate what the expression is exactly that I am reacting to as that is the expression that I must discover, develop and explore within myself and so give to myself -- wherein thus I take responsibility for who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become within and as myself and for the suppressions and the judgments that I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself and to interfere with and sabotage my relationship with myself and my self-value, self-worth, self-respect, self-integrity and self-acceptance

And so within this I commit myself to develop self-value, self-worth, self-respect, self-integrity and self-acceptance within and as myself in my relationship to myself - by developing those expressions  in my relationship with other people through for instance not accepting and allowing myself to go into or define myself within and as the experience and reaction of jealousy and so not accept and allow myself to participate in hateful, spiteful and resentful backchat or experiences in relation to other people - as I see, realize and understand that whatever I think and experience towards another, is what I am doing to myself within and as myself

When and as I see myself going into a reaction of self-victimization to the emotional experience and backchat of jealousy in relation to specific people in my world and reality - where I start trying to suppress and fight that experience of jealousy within myself because I believe that it is a 'bad' experience and that I shouldn't be experiencing jealousy because I don't want to be seen as or see myself as a 'bad' person - I stop and breathe, and I see, realize and understand that this experience of jealousy within myself is not 'bad' or 'negative' and that, if anything, this negatively charged energetic experience within myself of 'jealousy' is a tool that I can use to assist and support myself in my process of developing and expanding and exploring myself as a being because I realize, see and understand that when I go into an experience of jealousy towards someone then that is an indicator that there is an expression within myself that I am suppressing and not giving to myself and I am now seeing that expression within this individual and is thus an opportunity for myself to explore  how I can develop and nurture that specific expression within and as myself

And I see, realize and understand that as long as I am judging jealousy as something 'bad' and as long as I am fighting and suppressing the mind construct of jealousy within myself - I am actually making it something consequential because now -- because I am not embracing and accepting jealousy within myself, I can also not direct it or redefine it or use it within my process of self-realization --- which means that this jealousy experience will actually start to have control and power over me and I am thus essentially making it into the 'monster' that I initially feared and believed it to be

So I commit myself to correct and transform this self-victimization pattern within and as myself in relation to emotional experiences such as jealousy - by first of all not accepting or allowing myself to go into or participate within any judgment to and towards what is going on in my own mind and to rather stand within and as self-honesty in relation to my mind in simply realizing and understanding that everything in my mind is me and that if I judge anything in my mind then it's like I am making the statement that that specific part of and in my mind that I am judging is not just 'me' but is somehow another kind of definition of either being 'good' or 'bad' or 'right' or 'wrong' or 'positive' or 'negative' -- which will then spark the victimization character within and as myself because obviously I don't want to be a 'bad' person so then I will start fighting and resisting and suppressing those parts within and of myself that I have judged as being 'bad', 'wrong' and 'negative'

So I mean, within this I see, realize and understand that I am not a 'bad' person and that nothing in my mind is 'bad' or 'wrong' or 'negative' - and that in fact all of who I am within and as my mind is just 'me', is just different parts of myself that I have separated from myself over time exactly by participating in judgment towards myself and towards other humans within and as this world and reality

Where I see, realize and understand that in fact nothing and no one in this world is 'bad' or 'wrong' or 'negative' and that, just like who I am within myself and how I exist within and as myself, everything and every being in this world exist as an accumulated consequence of how we as humans have accepted and allowed ourselves to separate ourselves in the within and without of ourselves throughout time and that as long as I am judging anything that exist in this world within and without of myself, I will never be able to correct or change or find solutions for the problems that I am facing in this world and in myself

2014 How I Stabilized Myself with Being Alone - Facing The Inner Emptiness

A few weeks ago someone in my life that I had built up quite a deep and intense relationship with moved away for what is going to be quite a long time, which meant that all of a sudden, after having spent every day and almost every moment physically together for a long time, I found myself alone. Initially it looked like I was still more or less stable within myself and as though him leaving didn't have all that much of an impact on me. However after a few days I started to notice this experience of an emptiness within myself, as though there was something missing in my life.

I would still do my work and do the same things that I did when he was with me, but within myself the experience of myself had changed, where I now felt like I was less 'alive' than I was when he was there. Initially I thought that I probably just need some time to adjust to this new situation, because I was aware that I had, within my mind, physical and being experience, become quite accustomed to his physical presence in my day-to-day life and living - so I was expecting this experience of like an internal 'emptiness' and 'lostness' to eventually go away by itself as I become used to my new physical 'settings'.

After a week however, at a point I found myself sitting in front of my laptop trying to get some work done and inside of myself I felt like I was sinking deeper into this experience of 'lifelessness' where my eyes also felt like they were sinking into their sockets. My physical body was overall feeling very uncomfortable because of how stuck I felt in that emotional internal experience of 'emptiness', 'lifelessness' and 'lostness'. So, at that point I realized that I need to take action to make sure that this emotional state is directed so that it doesn't become worse and spirals out of control where it will eventually start to influence my work and my daily interactions with my physical reality.

I opened up a blank document on my laptop and I started to write about the experience, specifically looking at what the thoughts are that have been crossing my mind during those days as what may have been contributing to this specific emotional/energetic experience within myself of feeling 'empty' and 'lifeless' and 'lost'. Then, having written down the thoughts that I could identify as what had been going through my mind - I noticed a fascinating pattern. I realized that from the time that he had left, within my mind I had basically been fearing my own emotional reactions. At some point, I had accepted the idea within my mind that I should not be reacting emotionally to him leaving and that this event in my physical world and reality should not influence me emotionally. So, what I had in fact been doing this whole time was fighting, suppressing, hiding and denying my own emotional reactions.

The specific thoughts wherein I noticed this pattern playing out were thoughts wherein I found myself thinking about and projecting this image of myself as how I was and experienced myself before this person left and comparing that image/projection with how I am expressing and experiencing myself now, with an underlying thought of 'I have to be the same as then - internally and externally - I mustn't let myself become emotional about this or change in my expression and behaviour', to which I then reacted with an experience of panic and fear in relation to my own internal reality because I didn't want to see, realize or be confronted with the reality that I was in fact experiencing emotional reactions in relation to having lost his physical presence in my world.

So then, by having been reacting to my own emotional reactions, I was actually creating secondary emotional experiences within myself, like a layer of emotions and thoughts on top of a layer of emotions and thoughts - instead of simply being honest with myself, facing and dealing with the primary layer as what I am actually really in fact going through within myself. I mean, this is a pattern that I see has played out in my life many times, where I would go into a state of denial and suppression of how I am reacting within myself to a specific event in my physical world and reality, just because I have accepted specific judgments to exist within my mind about my own emotional and feeling reactions, which then ended up creating this experience within myself of feeling lost and empty. And I have found that this actually just makes the whole thing worse than if I had just been honest with myself about who I really am inside of myself - meaning, how I am really feeling and reacting within myself and so not try to pretend as if I am this stable individual who doesn't react to things. I have realized for myself that this point of being honest with myself about what is really going on within myself is the first step towards being able to change my internal reality.

After having realized this point of insight into and understanding of how I had been creating this experience of 'lifelessness' and 'emptiness' within myself, which was - as I realized - in fact a consequence of the fact that I was trying to suppress my actual emotional experiences and reactions to what had happened, I then went over into the application of self-forgiveness, as the act of releasing this 'mind-construct' that I had created within myself as the reaction of fighting, suppressing, hiding and denying my own internal emotional experiences. After having applied this written self-forgiveness, which I am sharing below, the experience of lifelessness and emptiness was gone and I felt lighter and more clear and present within myself - which was my indicator that I had found the point within myself that was creating the internal experience of lifelessness and emptiness and that the self-forgiveness was effective. What determines this effectiveness of the self-forgiveness application is whether or not I am willing to be truly honest with myself and willing to face that which is really going on within myself - meaning, willing to face that which I actually don't want to face.

What also assisted me within this process of finding that point within myself of seeing and realizing what was really going on in my mind and how I was creating an experience of emptiness and lifelessness - is that I had just listened to a Reptilians Interview from Eqafe, specifically "Mind Cycles - Reptilians - Part 321", which discussed this point of how we within our mind tend to keep ourselves in cycles of emotional experiences by reacting emotionally to those experiences and why it is that we tend to react emotionally to our own emotions. I find that whenever I listen to an interview, it tends to be quite coincidentally 'spot on' in terms of giving me perspective and support within a specific point that I am working with or looking at within myself, which then assists me to more easily move through that point.

The following are the specific Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective statements that I applied and which assisted and supported me to step out of the emotional/energetic mind-state that I was experiencing myself within:

Self-Forgiveness Statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to stay the same as the idea that I had created of myself in my mind in relation to my memories of how I expressed and behaved myself before and during X was with me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this is a specific reaction of the mind to the fact that I did actually react within myself to X having left from my physical world and environment - wherein within my mind I went into a reaction of wanting to suppress that reality of myself, by stepping into a construct in my mind wherein I want to remain 'the same' as in my memories - deliberately to suppress and hide who I really am and how I am really experiencing myself within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my internal reactions to X not being in my physical environment anymore by going into my mind within and as an emotional reaction of fear to my own emotions - and therein not want to be honest with myself about how I am actually experiencing myself inside of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own internal emotional reactions and so from that reaction of fear try to suppress the emotional experiences within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use memories in my mind to suppress myself as who I am within and as this moment out of fear of my own emotional experiences - as a preprogrammed reaction of the mind to suppress my internal emotional reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the preprogrammed construct and program within and as the mind to exist within myself of a suppression of emotional experiences within myself through using memories of who I think and believe I 'used to be', within and as the thought and idea that I must remain that way and I cannot and must not react emotionally and change internally and externally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shield myself off from my internal emotional experiences by defining myself within and as a preprogrammed construct in my mind wherein I react to my own mind and therein sabotage myself because then I cannot see what is really going on within myself and so I am also not able to get to know myself or change myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to sabotage myself in my process of self-change and self-honesty by reacting to my internal reality with an emotional experience of fear and suppression and in that way make it impossible for myself to see who I am inside of myself and so be able to change and be and become the self-directive principle within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself as who I am here within and as this moment by creating the idea in my mind that I must be and remain how and who I was in my memories - by placing memories of myself in my mind as an 'example' of who I think and believe I must be - to then use that to suppress and hide the real actual experience of myself within and as this moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider comparing myself to my own memories and to my past as this idea that I have in my mind of 'who I was' - and therein not be honest with myself about who I am here within and as this moment

Self-Corrective Statements

If and when I see that I am stepping into the thought pattern of suppressing my current internal reality and experience by comparing myself to memories and by thinking that I must be as I was in those memories - then I stop and breathe - and I see, realize and understand that I am manipulating myself within and as my mind to not be honest with myself about who I am within and as this moment of breath

And I see, realize and understand that this is a mechanism of the mind to ensure that I will never change and that I will not be able to investigate myself within and as self-honesty by imprisoning myself within a mental construct of thoughts and belief systems about having to experience and behave myself in a specific way, based on memories

Wherein I see, realize and understand that I am sabotaging myself in my process of getting to know my mind - by assuming and expecting myself to stay the same - and defining myself within and as a specific experience and expression --- wherein I see, realize and understand that within my process I must walk through the various layers within and of my consciousness and that I will have to be completely honest with myself in every moment about what I am really actually experiencing within myself - without suppressing those experiences within myself

So I commit myself to be honest with myself about what is really going on within myself so that I can assist and support myself to be and become the self-directive principle within and as myself in relation to myself within and as the mind because I realize that what goes on in the mind is who I really am as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become throughout my life

And so I commit myself to walk the process of investigating who I am and correcting the patterns of the past that I have integrated and created and have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself - and to that way create and manifest myself as a self-aware and self-responsible living being wherein I can also assist and support other people to realize themselves as who they really are as self in oneness and equality with life within and as myself

2014 How I Stopped an Emotional Possession

2014 How I Stopped an Emotional Possession

Stepping Out of an Emotional Possession in One Moment

The following is my 'testimonial' of how listening to an Eqafe Interview assisted and supported me to in one moment step out of an emotional experience that I was dealing with within myself. This specific emotional experience was one that had started building up within myself the day before, where I had interpreted a situation and how someone behaved in a way that triggered specific thoughts and emotional reactions within my mind.

When I then noticed that I was experiencing myself in an emotional reaction and that there were thoughts spinning around in my mind that were activating, generating and fueling this emotional reaction and experience - and that this experience was starting to interfere with my daily activities, where for instance I found myself having trouble focusing on specific tasks that required my focus and awareness because I was allowing all my focus, awareness and energy to be completely absorbed by and channeled into the thoughts going through my mind about this particular individual and the emotional reactions to those thoughts in my body -- that's where I decided to apply some spoken self-forgiveness just to get myself out of the experience.

Then after a little while, I found that I had still not been able to effectively release the emotional reactions because, when I faced the specific individual in my reality again, every time there would be thoughts and emotions coming up that had now started to transform itself into an experience of anger, where, in my physical behavior and interaction with my environment, I was starting to act out the anger within my movements, which became noticeably more forceful and brutish.

I mean, at this point I was faced with the fact that my internal emotional experiences and what I was accepting and allowing myself to participate in within my mind, was having consequential outflows that were seeping through into my actual physical reality and would eventually start compromising my relationships with the people around me. Meaning that, I realized that if I accept and allow this anger to become a physical expression that comes out, not only in relation to this one person, but in relation to other people and situations as well - then I will create reactions within those people and those reactions will create ripple effects that will influence the relationships that I had built with them in my life.

I decided to go for a walk to stabilize myself a bit, because I could sense that this emotional experience had taken me over so completely that it was like I could go into an emotional breakdown over the slightest things - small things that other people said or did could trigger thoughts and interpretations in my mind that immediately triggered and activated an emotional storm within myself that lead to me just wanting to isolate myself and cry my eyes out. So on my walk I again applied spoken Self-Forgiveness and self-corrective statements - which brought me to a point of stability within myself  where I stood within the point of taking responsibility for my emotional reactions.

But then, as quickly as I saw the specific person in my environment again - there I felt the anger creeping up again and taking me over, where I felt like my head was taken over by this really dark cloud, which was that one energy of just anger. So at this point I was kind of at my whit's end because I had been writing all morning, applying self-forgiveness, going out for a walk, applying self-forgiveness - trying all sorts of things to get myself out of this emotional state that I had been experiencing myself in for the last few days, which is already way too long, but it was like nothing of my application was sufficient to really release the energy.

I then listened to an Eqafe Interview in the Reptilians series, about how we forget to walk our process because process is not preprogrammed, so it becomes easy to at a certain point just slip back into the mind if we don't in every moment find ways to remind ourselves to actually keep applying ourselves diligently, disciplined and dedicated. And, as I was sitting there, listening to Anu speaking those words,  I could see the point that he was sharing as in fact the point that I had been accepting and allowing to exist within myself - which is that I had at some point very subtly and almost unnoticed shifted back into the mind.

Meaning that instead of in every moment ensuring that I do not accept or allow myself to be guided and directed by energy, I had been here and there giving my power away to feelings, in that I had for instance at times made the choice to do specific things or not do specific things because of the positive feeling involved, where I had slowly but surely been accepting and allowing myself to more and more trust in energy as my feelings to tell me what to do and how to move myself in physical reality than trusting in myself as my decision to walk my process out of the mind and become the self-directive principle.

So, as he was speaking and I was seeing this point very clearly for myself - the energy started to release within myself, just because of that one realization in one moment. And when the interview was done, the energy was gone, more or less completely. I was Here again, clear within myself. And when I saw the person again whom I had been so reactive towards, there were small reactions coming up, but I was able to within the moment direct the reactions and make a decision to, instead of allowing myself to fall into emotional reactions and an eventual emotional breakdown, rather remain stable within myself  and go over into expressing myself in a way that solved the situation and 'evened out' my relationship with this individual.  Where then I for instance saw and realized that because I was in an emotional reaction, I was triggering reactions within this individual as well and I was perpetuating a sort of ego-dance of continuous reactions - whereas, with me moving out of the reaction and in a way 'renouncing' my ego, I also saw him becoming more relaxed in his expression towards me -- where eventually we started communicating again as we did before, in a relaxed, comfortable and open manner. And all this basically in just one moment -- where I went from absolute emotional possession, to self-direction and self-expression.

So, the point that I would like to show and share here is how listening to the interviews on Eqafe can truly be of significant assistance within our process of walking out of the mind. I mean, throughout my process I had created this idea that I am supposed to be able to walk myself out of my mind all by myself, without any help -- which was basically this rigid idea and belief that I had formed in my mind about what it means to walk process - where I had for instance not seen or realized that there have been many instances where the support of another individual had made the difference in my process, in relation to seeing a specific point or having a specific realization that in one moment quantified my process. And so it is with the Eqafe interviews, they can be so extremely specific in relation to a point that you are dealing with that by just listening to the words being spoken, you can simultaneously as you are seeing the point of realization opening up within yourself, release the energy and stabilize yourself.

I am sharing this specific instance because the difference between before and after within myself was so noticeable and significant - however there have been many instances before this one where just by listening to an Eqafe interview, I started to feel more grounded and clear within myself - because the words and the way that the words were spoken was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment to snap me out of whatever energetic experience I was finding myself in.

2014 From Escapism to Self-Responsibility - Using Gaming as a Platform of Self Change -- Part 2

2014 From Escapism to Self-Responsibility - Using Gaming as a Platform of Self-Change -- Part 2

Changing Escapism in Real-Time

Within the following blog post I will be sharing a second step in a process that I have walked in relation to changing and transforming a tendency within myself to use entertainment within and as a pattern of 'Escapism' - where, in the first step, I had started to notice that within venturing into the realm of playing computer games, I had gone from wanting to do it only once in a while to relax and enjoy myself, to wanting to do it all the time -- indicating that my relationship with playing computer games inside of myself is of a problematic nature and that it requires to be investigated and changed. And I am sharing this process here so that it may serve as a blueprint and platform for others facing similar experiences within themselves in relation to entertainment to also change this self-sabotaging relationship within themselves and find their inner power to direct themselves in transforming their relationship to entertainment from being self-destructive and self-sabotaging to being self-supportive and self-contributory.

So on a second occasion now, after having walked the first step of real-time self-change in relation to having accepted and allowed a pattern of escapism to exist within myself in relation to participating in entertainment such as playing computergames, I found myself participating in a computergame, where it starts out 'innocent', like 'I deserve a bit of time for myself', 'I have worked enough'. And then I start playing and almost immediately I find myself in this energy of like a hastiness and impatience and stress, where like my eyes become big and I get this frown on my face and a tension in my forehead.

And then when I noticed that I was in this energy of like a 'possession', wherein I think 'no, I don't want to stop, just let me play a bit longer - I don't feel like stopping' -- I started applying self-forgiveness within myself in relation to the points that I found in the first step. Which was on placing the energy superior to my physical reality and losing track of my physical world and reality by giving more value to the energy that I am feeling in relation to the game.

I found this to be the point where, if I apply self-forgiveness from that perspective, I can actually see, while I am applying self-forgiveness and incorporating those realizations, how that positive energy that I am participating in while I am playing Banished is actually a 'lie' and an 'illusion' from the perspective that, while I feel 'energized' and 'positively charged' while  and when I am playing the game -- what is actually going on is that I am ALLOWING my attention to get swallowed up by and funnelled into an energy experience that just comes up within me of which  I actually have no real clue of where it comes from and why and how it exists within myself, which then creates an absolute resistance to and towards anything else in my life that is not that one point connected to the energy - aka playing Banished - it makes me isolate myself from my environment only to submerge myself in this onedimensional experience within myself which I now believe to be 'who I am' and 'all that I am', and so completely sabotage my relationships with the people in my world and reality.

So, that positive energy experience and feeling of excitement that makes me feel as though I am actually really doing something substantial is a lie and an illusion because in reality, all that I am doing is give away my power - the power that I have as a living being to direct physical reality. Instead, I allow a preprogrammed construct and relationship of energy within the mind to direct my physical actions and expression -- all because I have defined myself within and as the energy experience and I actually believe it to be 'who I am', rather than seeing, realizing and understanding that there are multiple dimensions and factors at play behind the scenes in relation to how and why I experience this specific energy when playing computer games - dimensions and factors that I don't see or consider if I don't slow myself down and investigate what is actually going on within and as myself.

While I was thus speaking the words of forgiveness in relation to accepting and allowing myself to give my power and self-directive potential away to this energy and placing this energy as the directive principle of myself and my life -- I actually was able to shift myself out of the experience for a moment to see clearly the absurd nature of what I was doing and what I was accepting and allowing within myself and my world and reality -- that I was trading in everything of who I am for an illusion, a preprogrammed Feeling - Wow.

Now, the fact that this experience came up within myself 'again' and that I accepted and allowed myself to sort of tumble into seemingly the same rabbit hole 'again', is a point that I would usually take as an opportunity for myself to go into self-judgment and feeling bad about myself and my process and thus an opportunity for myself to eventually even end up considering to just give up on my Process of walking out of the mind altogether.

However this time, as I was observing these thoughts creeping into my mind at that moment when I realized within myself that I am participating in energy whilst playing the game and that I have thus not yet corrected this point within myself of defining 'gaming' and 'entertainment' within and as escapism and addiction - where the thoughts went like 'I am STILL not getting it', 'I failed', 'I am a failure', etcetera - I did not allow myself to actually access the emotional experience of feeling guilty and ashamed and bad about myself that I have learned to connect to those thoughts in my mind, because I realized that mind patterns such as the pattern of escapism and the specific experiences and behavior connected to it are things that have been existent within my beingness throughout my entire life as a pattern that I continuously and constantly accessed and, if I am honest with myself, I am not really as of yet fully aware of exactly how and when and where I have created this pattern within myself or how it really functions and exist within and as my mind - so, obviously correcting and changing this pattern will take practice and patience.

So, here, I breathed and, instead of accepting and allowing myself to go into a 'low' and a 'negative' experience within myself, connected with thoughts of myself somehow being a 'failure' for apparently not being able to live up to my own expectations - I breathed, and stabilized myself within and as the realization that changing any pattern is a process of constant and continuous application and that 'slipping back' into the pattern is not a bad thing, it is actually a necessity and requirement for me to be able to reassess who I am in relation to the pattern and investigate the deeper layers of how the pattern exist within myself so that I can, with each layer that I face and walk through, more and more start to develop my directive power within myself in relation to this pattern as I more and more start to understand and see and realize how it functions within myself.

Where then, at this point I started applying self-forgiveness and from the self-forgiveness I realized what I was doing to myself by giving my directive power away to this energy in my mind connected to playing the game, and then it became easy to direct myself in physical reality to for instance stop playing the game - whereas in the past I would have allowed myself to go into the emotional low and just continued playing within and as a mind-set of 'it's too late for me, I have failed anyways - so why bother even trying to correct myself' as a point of giving up.

So the point that was an essential realization within this practical process that I have walked of changing and transforming Escapism in Real-Time, is that if there is a point existing within myself that is similar to an 'addiction', where for instance I am addicted to a specific energy that I have connected with a specific action, like gaming or other types of entertainment - then actually changing and correcting that point of addiction to the extent that I am no longer moved by this energy within myself and so no longer 'give in' to the 'experience' will take a process of constant and continuous application of the tools of self-investigation, self-forgiveness and real-time self-correction where I keep reassessing in self-honesty who I am within myself in relation to the energy and to the application of gaming and entertainment. In Self-Honesty meaning that I must not have any expectations or ideas in my mind in relation to how I must stop and change this addiction or about how this process of real-time self-change is going to unfold - I must apply patience with myself and an openness in terms of being willing to really look at and investigate each and every point that comes up within myself each time that this energetic experience of desire and excitement comes up within my mind in relation to playing a computer game or indulging in entertainment.

2014 From Escapism to Self-Responsibility - Using Gaming as A Platform of Self-Change

 2014 From Escapism to Self-Responsibility - Using Gaming as A Platform of Self-Change

Changing Escapism in Real-Time

I started playing a game called 'banished' on my computer recently after years of not playing games, which was actually a decision that I made at some point because I was seeing how immersed I get into the game when I am playing. I would just play for days on end in this zoned-out, spaced-out state and not doing much else. I mean, I would then go into an absolute procrastination and abdication of any other tasks that I had set out for myself to do - like looking for a job or doing something to develop my skills  or even basic stuff like taking a shower, taking care of my physical body and home -- which I eventually realized was quite detrimental in relation to my physical life and living and also my process of growing and developing into a self-responsible and self-directive individual.

So now, I initially made an agreement with myself that I would play only on Sunday, which would be my day off from doing and tending to other responsibilities - and I would thus give myself some 'leisure time' to just relax and 'take my mind off things'. However as I played a first game in Banished, where I had to build a town and make it operational, I wanted to play more because my first and second town were a failure and I had learned some new tips on how to better manage my town, which I now wanted to apply. So I started to try and find ways to integrate playing Banished during the rest of the weekdays - by for instance using a second screen next to my laptop, which I thought I could use to play Banished on while doing other things -- because often in the game you have to give instructions and then wait a while for the instructions to be executed. But then it turned out that I couldn't actually do anything on my laptop while the game was running on the second screen - it just wouldn't work that way - which meant that I had to do one thing at a time and that I ended up spending more time on playing than on getting any work done.

Then this situation got to a point where, whenever there was someone walking in the room or when I would hear someone approaching the room, I would react in my mind with an experience of fear that they would see that I am more playing games than I am working and then the idea of 'hiding' what I am doing so that I could continue playing the game without anyone knowing about it came up within my mind. Also while I was playing the game, I noticed that my mind was moving very fast, as though I was running and hiding from my own awareness of what I was doing -- just so that I could continue playing. Because, in the back of my mind I knew that I have more important things to spend my time on and I am essentially starting to waste a lot of my time on this game and creating physical consequences of for instance not getting the necessary work done in time or not moving as fast as I could and should be. So, to in a way circumvent and 'bypass' actually facing and acting on this awareness, I found that my mind does something very interesting - it 'moves' my awareness away from the actual physical facts of the consequences that my actions are having and going to have on my physical life and reality  and from the realization that I must simply stop playing this game and focus on doing other things, through creating excuses and justifications to talk myself into allowing myself to continue doing what I am doing.

And, the fascinating thing about this was that, I could already see and recognize within my awareness that each and every justification and excuse that my mind was bringing up in relation to justifying why I am playing this game now instead of tending to my responsibilities was in fact false because I have been at this point before and I knew exactly how this will play out and how there really is no excuse to not do what I need to be doing with my time. So, the excuses and justifications in itself was not the reason why I just continued playing rather than simply in the moment, stopping the game and moving on to other tasks -- it was rather what this 'construct' of excuses and justifications was doing in my mind with my awareness, in that it was 'shifting' my awareness from here to there and back and forth very fast within this 'box'/'containment' type structure, basically doing nothing but preoccupying and holding/containing my awareness for a moment, while in physical reality I could just continue doing something purely for the sake of having some energetic 'fix' without taking any responsibility for it because, as I mentioned, my awareness was too busy allowing itself to be entrapped and preoccupied by the irrelevant and irrational excuses and justifications that the mind was bringing up.

I mean, I am writing about 'my awareness' and 'my mind' as apparently two separate things that exist separately from each other and from myself - but in fact in reality, if I look at who I am within all of this in self-honesty, I can see that it is ME within and as the mind distracting MYSELF within and as my Awareness - and it is ME within and as my Awareness, allowing myself to be distracted and preoccupied by MYSELF within and as the Mind. And it is because this 'ME-factor' was missing in this entire equation, meaning that I was accepting and allowing myself to exist in separation from 'my mind' and 'my awareness' by not seeing, realizing and understanding that both are in fact parts of me as how I exist within and as my physical body - that this situation was able to play itself out in the way that I described here.

So, in terms of how I practically applied myself in stopping this self-sabotaging, possessive behavioural pattern that I was busy accessing - and breaking out of that 'boxed-in' mind-state that I found myself in -- the first thing that I realized was that it seemed very difficult to actually get myself to that point of physically stopping myself while I was playing the game.  And this because of the energy that was involved in playing this game - because, the entire reason why I was playing the game and why it was starting to become the centre of my world, is not because of the game itself, no, it is because of the energy that I have connected to playing this game within my mind. And it is that energy that the mind then tries to protect through for instance, in the moment that there is any inkling of an awareness coming up in my mind that it's best if I stop playing and go do something else, bring up that specific 'excuses and justification'-construct that for a moment captures and preoccupies my awareness.

I found that when I was in that specific state, it seemed very difficult if not impossible to actually get myself to make the physical decision and movement to stop doing what I was doing - because each time that I tried to move within my awareness towards making that decision, the mind would give me the run-around into the construct of reasons, excuses and justifications for why I should continue playing and why I shouldn't stop playing.

The technique that I used to get myself out of that specific all-encompassing and -consuming energetic experience in relation to the game that I was playing and to for a moment 'snap myself out of it', was by placing myself within and as the 'ME-factor', meaning the point of self-responsibility within and as the realization that the entire situation and specifically the self-deceiving game that I was playing between my mind and my awareness, was my own creation. And how I did this, was through an application of spoken Self-Forgiveness in the moment.

This means that within the moment where I saw and realized that I was accessing the energetic and physical behavioural pattern connected to playing this computer game wherein I was feeling as though I was 'stuck' within the experience and the behaviour and I wasn't able to actually stop myself from what I was doing - I took a breath and I started speaking Self-Forgiveness aloud.

Specifically:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and hide what I am doing from myself by going into my mind and participate in thinking processes where I am deliberately trying to distract myself from my physical reality and from what I am physically doing just so that I could continue to generate and hold on to a specific energy experience within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the energy experience that I have connected in my mind with playing this computergame and therefore not want to let go of this energy experience and so not want to stop playing - because I actually believe that I need this energy to experience 'me'

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that while I believe that this energy that I experience within myself connected with playing this computergame, is somehow giving me 'more' value -- in reality, I am giving myself away to the mind and inferiorizing myself to my own mind and to my physical reality by accepting and allowing an energy experience within the mind to have complete power over who I am and what I do and how I express myself within and as physical reality -- because I have accepted and allowed myself to actually believe that I have to experience and obtain this energy/feeling within myself so that I can feel 'alive', wherein I don't even see how I am giving away my 'life' as my physical presence, awareness,  expression and directive principle to the mind

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I have created an energetic polarity within myself by connecting a positive energy experience of excitement with playing this computergame - where then, I have connected a negative energy experience and value to the thought and image of 'not playing this computergame' and doing other things in physical reality within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give away my directive principle to the thought that comes up in my mind that says that 'I want to play this computergame now', accompanied by an energy experience of excitement as desire -- by having accepted and allowed myself to simply follow this thought and experience and so therein abdicate my responsibility in relation to what I do and who I am in physical reality, by allowing an energetic experience to be at the 'steering wheel' of myself within my physical actions, rather than me within and as absolute awareness directing myself within my physical actions and expression --- wherein I do not allow an energy, triggered by a thought, to move or direct me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hide what I am doing from others so that I can hide what I am accepting and allowing myself to participate within in my mind from myself -- and to therein use the thought and idea that 'as long as other people don't see what I am doing and who I am within what I am doing - then it doesn't matter what I do' as an excuse and reason to continue playing computergames without in any way taking responsibility  for myself within and as my physical actions --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this thought is an illusion that I have copied and learned and conditioned into myself during my childhood years in relation to and interaction with the people in my environment, and that in fact, I am entirely responsible for my actions in physical space-time reality

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see and realize my responsibility for my actions in physical space-time reality by hiding myself within and as the preprogrammed belief in my mind that I can do what I want as long as other people don't see it

Self-Correction

When and as I see a reaction of wanting to hide what I am doing when I am playing a computer game come up within myself - I stop and breathe - and I see, realize and understand that the fact that I fear another judging me as doing something wrong, implies that I don't fully understand what I am actually doing and I have not actually taken responsibility for my actions because I am defining my actions within and as my relationship with other people and a desire to receive recognition and approval from others

So here I commit myself to actually look into and investigate in self-honesty what I am actually doing and who I actually am within and as my physical actions because I see, realize and understand that if and when I accept and allow myself to be moved in physical reality by an energy within myself, that I am expressing myself from the starting point of the mind and I see, realize and understand that the mind is a system that exists within and as 'layers' and dimensions and that this energy experience, connected to this one thought, is just one dimension of a much greater system - and that essentially if and when I accept and allow myself to be defined within and as my actions and expression in physical reality and within and as myself by this onedimensional energetic experience and thought, I am lying to myself about who I am and what is real and I am existing and living in an illusion and thus I am essentially not even real as a being

So, when and as I see the energetic movement come up within myself connected with a thought that I want to play a computergame - I stop and breathe - and I see, realize and understand that if and when I accept and allow myself to be guided and directed in my physical expression and actions by this energetic movement within myself, I am giving my power and creative directive away to the mind wherein I do not take responsibility for the consequences of my actions and for my future in this world and reality

Thus, I commit myself to breathe when and as the energy comes up within myself, because I see, realize and understand that it is only energy -- and that I have created this energy through participating within polarities, where if I accept and allow myself to continue participating in these polarities, I am fuelling the experience of desire to play a computergame and thus conditioning myself to experience myself as a slave to these experiences within and of the mind

I commit myself to walk the process of manifesting myself as the directive principle within and as myself where I do not accept and allow an energetic movement to move  and direct me in physical reality -- but rather I assist and support myself to understand who I am within and as the mind completely - so that I can see who I am and what I am doing and what the consequences are of my actions in every moment

And, I see, realize and understand that the consequences of accepting and allowing myself to allow myself to be directed and defined by an energy of desire in relation to playing a computer game - is that I am simultaneously creating the negative energy of resistance in relation to doing other things in my life

    

Wherein, I see, realize and understand that I am sabotaging myself within my life by connecting an experience of resistance to doing my responsibilities in physical reality and thus by playing computergames from the starting point of energy

And so I take responsibility for this energy polarity that I have created within myself  by firstly changing my expression within and as my physical world and reality - and from there changing who I am internally because I see, realize and understand that through my physical movement and expression I prove to myself who I am as a living statement


After and during this application of Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective statements in the moment, i had stabilized a lot internally - because i was seeing the points of common sense that were coming up while i was speaking in relation what it is that i was actually doing and participating within. so, from that point, it was easy for me to make the choice to stop playing the game and direct my attention to other things. And this without any judgment or any emotional reactions to and towards the whole thing - it was a simple internal choice and physical movement based on common sense insight and understanding.

This though doesn't now mean that this pattern is completely corrected and that i have changed myself within and as it entirely - not at all. i have ingrained and conditioned this specific pattern of internal reactions and experiences and external behavior all throughout the course of my life and so it will require a step-by step process of physical integration of the new pattern that i am setting myself out to live -- where, within this first step, i have only become aware of how the pattern works and operates in the mind and i have found and developed a way to in a real-time moment, change it within myself. Now i must still prove to myself that i am consistent within my application of real-time change so that, through a constant application of this real-time change, i can condition myself internally and externally to be and become a being that doesn't so easily give its power away to energetic reactions to external stimuli anymore but can remain stable within and as its relationship to for instance entertainment.