2016 How to Transcend Fear of Failure

A pattern that seems to have come up and seeped into my mind and thus how I experience myself in my life and living, is a fear of failing. In the back of my mind there have been thoughts and experiences coming up that have created this overall feeling within myself that I have somehow 'failed' and/or am failing in my process of self-change and self-expansion. I've been struggling with that experience for a while now, which has also seemed to result in avoidance behavior such as sleeping a lot and not really wanting to wake up and face the day/my life, not feeling like maintaining my 'social life' and not really feeling like doing things in general. In the back of my mind there is just this experience and idea of 'what's the point, I've failed anyways'.

And when looking at this experience, I can see that it's basically just a fear of failing that I am dealing with. A fear that I have made real by believing it and thinking it the whole time. I have molded and shaped my perception of who I am and how I am walking my process and my life according to this fear that has been haunting me in the back of my mind. In other words, because I fear failing I constantly feel as though I have failed and/or am failing.

However, then I stepped back from this experience and this perception of myself as having 'failed' for a moment, and I looked at the reality of myself and of who I am, who I have been and how I have been walking my process and my life. By doing this, I came to the conclusion that actually in a lot of ways I have transcended many patterns in my mind. I have become an overall more stable and down-to-earth individual. I may not have entirely changed or overcome patterns such as social anxiety, insecurity or self-suppression, but I have already made substantial changes in how I experience myself internally and how I behave, interact and express myself externally.

In conclusion, I realised that within this fear of failing, my mind was creating the perception and the experience that the entire process that I have walked up to this point has been for nought and that I haven't created any change what so ever. And this perception is strange, because it is suggesting that in all this time of having applied the tools of introspection and self-investigation through writing, self-forgiveness and self-commitment I haven't learned anything and I have not in any way expanded or developed myself, while in fact I KNOW that this isn't so. I can physically SEE the changes in myself and in my life - changes that I have created myself over time as I walked my process of self-change.

For quite a while now - and on many occurrences in my process - have I experienced this haunting feeling that I have failed in some way and never have I realized this one simple fact. The fear and even the concept of having 'failed' seemed to just completely override and hide all that I have in fact accomplished and created through the process that I have in fact walked. When the fear of having failed comes up, all that I become in my mind is a 'failure'.

In other words, every bit of potential, success, growth and expansion within myself gets suppressed when the word failure comes up in the mind. Even though there is potential and even though success, growth and expansion has in fact taken place over the years, all of that just disappears completely because all that I am seeing with my minds eye is "failure".

What I am trying to say and show here is that the whole concept of 'failing', at least in the way that it exists at this time, is a mind program. It is a program in the mind because it is not aligned with reality. The fear of failing and the belief that "I have failed" is like a sheet that creeps up in your mind and covers up the reality of who you are. The reality being the gradual learning process that has occurred over time as well as the steps that you have taken to change certain aspects of yourself.

For instance, the reality of myself is that even though at times I may have been more slow in changing a thought/behavioral/emotional pattern and I may have sometimes been stuck in a certain pattern for a while, eventually I did create a change and moved through whatever it was that I was trying to get through. Failure is a mind program because it is a one-dimensional concept that doesn't allow me to see the entire multifaceted reality of who I am in space and time. The mind program of fearing failure is something that will eventually only make me give up on my potential and sabotage my own process of self-expansion and -development simply for the only reason that a fear of failure will block me from seeing any potential for self-expansion within myself. So in a way it is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

In the next blog I will continue looking into the fear of failure and specifically into what the solution is to changing the pattern of fearing failure.

2015 From Escapism to Self-Responsibility - Using Gaming as a Platform of Self Change -- Part 3

This blog is part of the series about Escapism wherein I have been sharing the process of self-change that I am applying, specifically in relation to playing videogames and the mind-pattern of addiction and escapism it activates within myself. I don't play games often, but I have noticed that when I do, I just get swallowed up in it. All it takes is for me to find one game that sparks my interest and before long as I start playing it, it can start to consume most of my (valuable) time.

In the previous blogs, "2014 From Escapism to Self-Responsibility - Using Gaming as a Platform of Self Change" Part 1 and Part 2, through my application of the tools of self-change in changing this specific pattern, I have been able to see what I am actually doing and what really happens 'behind the scenes' while I get caught up in playing a game and it starts to overshadow my life. This was about half a year ago and since then I haven't been playing any games until recently when I discovered this game called Epic Defence. I was looking for something to entertain myself with so I decided to try it and ended up enjoying it. However this 'enjoyment' turned problematic as I noticed how I was wanting to spend more and more time playing the game than on anything else.

So this gives me a nice opportunity to again investigate the pattern of addiction when it comes to gaming and to see which points within myself still serve as an open window for me to give my power away and let myself get carried away by something instead of standing as a pillar of self-direction and -will. The return of this pattern by no means implies that I 'failed' in my first attempts to change it. All that it shows me is that I have overlooked certain points of self-understanding and self-awareness which still allow a 'weakness' to exist within myself  for certain thoughts/feelings/emotions and mind-programs to 'overtake' me and take me for a ride. So it's then just a matter of applying the tools of self-introspection through self-honesty and writing, self-forgiveness, self-correction and real-time self-change.

Escapism and playing games and getting lost in It is a very strange sensation. Specifically the point where in your awareness you know that there are other things you should be doing and that it is better for you to stop playing the game and just go do stuff that is more relevant and important and self-supportive but then you start fighting that awareness in your mind and questioning that awareness to basically protect the energy that you are experiencing in that moment, meaning the feelings of reward, adrenalin and dopamine as you are playing the game.

So, in theory it shouldn't be that difficult to just pause the game or just stop it and move on to doing other things, because it is literally just a game, it holds no value or importance and that energetic experience of value and reward that I feel inside myself as I am collecting gems and coins and defeating my virtual attacker in the game are simply illusions because the game in itself is virtual reality, i.e. not ACTUAL reality. This means that even though I feel as though I am winning, gaining and achieving something of great value, importance and worth, I am actually not at all and it is all only happening in the virtual reality in my mind stimulated by the game that I am playing.

An interesting point to look at and consider here is that there appears to be a lack of understanding in relation to the word 'game' and thus a necessity to clearly define for myself what a 'game' is and what the difference is between a 'game' and 'reality', to assist and support myself with making decisions that are based on the reality of things and not based on feelings.

So that in other words I don't end up allowing the illusory experience of value and importance within playing a game to override what is important and valuable in fact, which is to for instance pause and put down the game when I see that there are other things to be done with my time. And so that I can assert myself to allow this game nor the energetic feeling experiences that it triggers in my mind to hold any weight when it comes to how I decide to move and direct myself in my life from moment to moment, because  it shouldn't in any way what so ever. A game is after all just a game.

This understanding of what a game is will determine my starting point, meaning who I am when I start playing and the kind of experience I will end up creating while I am playing because of 'who I am'. When my definition and thus my starting point in relation to playing games is that somewhere within myself in the back of my mind I actually believe that the feelings of value, importance and worth which come up as a preprogrammed induced reaction to playing computer games are real, then I will have a really difficult time trying to quit playing because I truly believe that I would be having to give up on something very important if I were to stop the game.

The starting point of playing a game, and of doing anything at all for that matter, would be the 'reason why' I do it. And that 'reason why' can be corrupted and compromised when it is based on a misunderstanding of what certain things are and how they exist. Wanting and desiring to play a game because I want to experience the feelings I get while playing the game, indicates that there exists a belief in myself that to a certain degree those feelings are real. This would be a sign of a corrupted and compromised starting point because in reality anything I might be experiencing internally while playing a computer game is entirely and solely stimulated by the perception created within the game that the participant is achieving and accomplishing things as they move up in levels, earn virtual rewards and defeat virtual adversaries  - none of which is taking place in real life.

Thus to correct the self-compromising pattern of escapism within the example of an addiction to gaming, I will have to correct my starting point as the 'who I am' in relation to playing games. An addiction to gaming and a behavioural pattern of escapism can only exist when there is a 'flaw' in the design of 'who I am' and consequently in my starting point in relation to gaming, and this design pertains to how I see and understand the world that I exist in. The particular flaw in the design would in this case be the belief that I will find worth, value and importance within playing a computer game and that those energetically exciting experiences in the mind of apparent value, importance and worth when unlocking a level or achieving a goal in the game are in fact what real worth, value and importance is, while it is very obvious that realistically speaking this is not at all so.

As long as this faulty perception of reality exists as a belief system in my mind, then the desire, want and need to play games will exist, as well as the potential to develop an addiction to it, which would be the experience of not being able to stop playing and the feeling that nothing else is as interesting, engaging and important as playing that game.

So within redefining the word game, it seems that I actually have to look at redefining words such as importance, worth and value, because it is these things that I have mistakenly understood to be based within feelings, like the feeling of excitement I experience upon being rewarded with something, be it a prize in a computer game or appraisal from peers, family and/or people in my general environment. In this context, importance, worth and value would actually be quite meaningless and empty because it is literally based only on a belief that if I achieve, win or accomplish something, and specifically when something or someone else outside of myself recognizes and tells me that I have, it somehow makes 'who I am' inside myself 'better' and 'more'.

Looking at why and how it is that I don't already experience and see value, worth and importance as an inherent part of myself, I can see that it is because of this separation that I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself wherein I see and define value, worth and importance as things that my environment must give me. The solution here is to thus  through applying the tools of self-forgiveness, self-correction and self-commitments, develop the realization and understanding of how I can start living value, worth and importance as a self-expression that is best for myself instead of it being something that distracts me from living my life to my utmost potential.

This is a process that I will be sharing in the next blog.

2014 Facebook Unfriending and Changing Feeling Rejected in Real-Time

 

 2014 Facebook Unfriending and Changing Feeling Rejected in Real-Time

How I Changed an Experience of Rejection in A Moment

Someone unfriended me on Facebook a while ago and only today did I come to realize this and it was interesting to see what kind of reactions came up within me. When I say 'someone',  I am here referring to a person who was  a big part of my life when I was little, someone who I actually haven't seen in a very long time and even though our lives grew apart and we have become 'different people', my reaction to finding out that she 'unfriended' me indicated that there was still a big part of me which defined itself according to the relationship that I had created in my memories with this individual.

I went into a form of a shock when I saw that the little box on her Facebook profile which used to say 'friend' now said 'add friend'. I mean it wasn't like a big emotional shock, but it was there, that reaction of 'oh my god I can't believe it'. The shock being the experience of rejection, loss and anger, because clearly somewhere in my subconscious mind the thought of this person still seeing my Facebook posts and in that way still kind of being a part of who I am and my life, was keeping certain memories of my childhood relationship with her 'alive'.

In that moment of seeing my reaction, I felt surprised because since the time we were friends and since we 'parted ways', I have come a long way of changing as an individual, have 'lost' certain friendships and relationships along the way and I believed that I had 'made peace' with my life as it is now, the people in it and the things that have happened.  But this reaction of shock showed me that it is easy to create ideas and beliefs about yourself in your mind as long as your world stays relatively stable and 'the same', but then when things start to shift and change - that is when your reactions to situations and events will show you who you really are inside and what has been going on in the background (in the subconscious mind) all along.

I have experienced the same kind of 'shock' in the past when I perceived that someone  was 'rejecting' me or that I was losing them or had lost a person in my life whom I had defined as 'my friend' or 'family' and how I used to deal with those kind of experiences  is that I would just kind of let time 'heal the wound' and so basically allow the emotional experiences of shock, rejection, feeling left behind, sadness and inferiority to 'settle' over time. But this wasn't a very pleasant approach to handling and dealing with my emotions because it is kind of making the choice to 'live with' the emotions and to continue suffering until the suffering stops by itself.

This time however I had the tool of applying self-forgiveness to assist me in moving through and releasing the emotional experiences in one moment and stabilizing myself in relation to this situation. This self-forgiveness which I applied in that moment I will share at the bottom of this blog. By speaking the self-forgiveness and releasing the emotions, I could see deeper into my own mind and to where it actually was that my reactions were coming from.

I could see clearly that within my subconscious mind I have still in slight moments throughout my day, for instance each time I posted something on Facebook, been  secretly thinking about how specific people whom I know to be my 'friends' on Facebook - people who used to be a part of my life when I was younger and who are still part of my memories - would react to my posts and what kind of opinion or idea they would form in their minds about me. And what I realized is that each time I allowed myself to access those type of secret thoughts in the back of my mind, I was busy keeping those 'relationships' which essentially only exist within my own mind 'alive'.

So in the 'who I am' in my mind, which would be my thoughts and the emotional/feeling experience of myself, I was still very much defining myself according to the relationships that I had created with specific individuals who used to be part of my life but actually haven't been in a very long time, simply by giving attention to these seemingly 'small' and 'innocent' ponderings about how they would see, perceive and judge me based on my Facebook posts that they might come across from time to time.

And, because I was still subconsciously keeping the 'relationship' with those people 'alive' by the simple act of consistently accessing thoughts, feelings and emotions connected to images, memories and pictures of them in my mind and forming my own 'idea' and 'image' of myself based on and according to my projections of what 'they' might be thinking of me - this is why I reacted emotionally with an experience of suddenly something being 'missing' or having 'lost' something in my life when I realized that one of those 'relationships' had 'cut ties' with me through unfriending me on Facebook.

What was fascinating is that just with me realizing or rather thinking that they will no longer see my Facebook posts and they will thus no longer be thinking about me or forming opinions and ideas about me, which was already in itself an assumption and idea that I had created in my mind without any 'evidence' that this was in fact what was happening, it felt as though I was losing a part of myself and I was becoming emotionally distraught. But I mean, the thought that this friend or 'former friend' was seeing my posts and was thinking all sorts of things about me wasn't actually real to begin with, it was a fabrication in my own mind that was based on my own want, need and desire to keep certain memories alive and keep my idea of 'who I am' according to the primary relationships that I have formed throughout my life 'alive'.

So basically all this time, even though I have consciously believed myself to have 'let go of the past' and 'moved on' as many things in my world and my life have changed, I have created new relationships and I am surrounded by different people in my life as it currently is , I had actually been hiding an unwillingness inside of myself to truly let go of the past and to give myself a chance to truly start again and create new relationships with people that are actually part of my life as in my daily participation with the world around me.

Only this time, a point that very clearly needs to be corrected if I want to start focusing on those 'new relationships' however, is my definition of what 'relationships' are, because it is simply not functional or healthy when my 'relationships' are with fictions of my own imagination based on memories of my 'former self' and a reluctance to let go of the past and of 'who I used to be'. Functional and healthy relationships should be based on actual reality such as for instance the people that I can see around me, people that I actually talk to and interact with on a real physical level. And this 'physical level' doesn't necessarily mean that I have to be able to touch them physically, it merely means that there cannot exist any pictures, images or projections in my mind constituting or defining those relationships. A relationship shouldn't be a memory or a thought, it should be an action, for instance the action of talking to someone or spending time with someone because that is what is real. Anything that exists in the mind that isn't based on fact, cannot be trusted because it simply isn't real.

So please don't misunderstand what I am saying here. I am not saying that Facebook relationships aren't real or valid. Communicating and talking to someone over Facebook is just as real and valid as communicating with someone while being physically together. What isn't real or valid however is for instance spending time thinking about those 'relationships' outside of those real moments of actual communication, because that is when real relationships become mind-relationships and you start disconnecting yourself from reality. When people become images and thoughts in your head because you are wondering about what they think of you or how they see and perceive you, then you are creating a mind-relationship and thus a false relationship.

The correction process of this dysfunctional and unhealthy definition of what relationships are and how I have always lived relationships  would be the application of writing about it, the spoken and written self-forgiveness and the writing out of and looking at how to start stopping myself from creating 'mind-relationships' and rather invest myself in creating and nurturing 'reality/real relationships' - which is what this blog is a testament of. Then it is just a matter of 'walking the talk' which means that those moments wherein I am tempted to go into memory and wonder about what my childhood friends would think of me will come up again in my mind because that is just how I have over time conditioned my mind to 'operate', so then instead of accepting those thoughts as 'real' and as a part of who I am, I rather take a step back and ground myself in the physical reality of the moment and so align myself with reality.

The Following is an expansion on the Self-Forgiveness statements that I spoke in the moment when the emotional reaction came up and which assisted me to release the reaction plus added self-commitment statements wherein I script the 'new program' and definition of 'relationships' that I commit to live from here on out.

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to seeing that X has unfriended me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take X unfriending me personally by reacting emotionally to the thought that X has 'cut me out of her life' and 'rejected me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as how I think and believe X perceives and defines me, as someone that she does not want to be friends with and so someone who is less than her and who she doesn't think is good enough to be her friend --- by experiencing inferiority within myself connected with a thought that I am less than X because that is what she thinks of me -- instead of taking responsibility for the fact that who and how I think X to be is a projection that I have created in my own mind and that thus how I think and believe she sees, perceives and judges me is in fact how I think about, see and perceive myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define X as a part of my life and a part of myself because of the friendship relationship that I have created with her in my childhood and how I had defined who I am within and as that relationship

And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need X in my life - if not physically, then mentally within and as the thought that she still reads my posts on Facebook, to be able to be 'myself' and 'complete' because she is part of my memories and because I have defined myself within and as and according to my memories

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want and expect my world and the people in it and my relationships to stay the same or similar to how it was in my memories because of having defined myself within and as my memories and so believing that if my world changes, then I will not be able to exist  within and as those memories anymore because I will also have to change and so won't be 'myself' anymore

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if my world were to change, and if I were to 'lose' specific people in my physical world and reality, that I would not be able to exist anymore - instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this belief and experience only shows the extent to which I have defined myself within and as the mind as relationships that exist within and upon memories

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my memories are information and that if I believe that I need my memories to be 'myself' and that thus my world and reality must remain the same according to my memories, then that implies that I have accepted myself to be a system of information, instead of an actual life-force that exist within and as the moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the image and idea that I have of X is information in my mind that is based on memories that I have stored  - and that those memories in itself are also based on preprogrammed information that was already existent within my mind --- and that thus the image that I have of X in my mind, is entirely my own creation

And so I forgive myself that I have not taken responsibility for this image and idea and memory that I have stored in my mind of X, by having separated myself from my memories of X by creating a relationship with those memories, based on the belief and idea that I need X in my life and I need her to be my friend so that I can be 'myself' --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this belief of 'needing her' implies that I have suppressed a part of myself and that thus even with 'having her in my life', I would still feel like there is something missing within myself

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the mind has a tendency to create a onedimensional perception of memories by defining certain memories as positive, wherein I will not actually see how I really experienced myself in those actual moments because I am looking at my own memories through the perception of the mind as feelings rather than seeing who I really am within and as those memories, and see, realize and understand that within those actual moments I didn't experience myself nearly as 'positive' as my mind likes to make it seem

So I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to define my memories, by experiencing certain memories within and as a positive feeling experience of nostalgia as a belief and idea that 'everything was better in the past' - instead of standing one and equal with my memories and seeing that when I was in those actual moments in 'the past', I didn't experience myself as only 'positive' , in fact I mostly experienced myself as negative  - which is what the mind suppresses when I look back on my memories to create the illusion that I have to hold on to my memories and that somehow my memories are 'good' and that I need my memories to be 'good' and to be a good/positive version of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for positive experiences within my memories and to believe that I must hold on to my memories to experience myself positively - and that I have within that separated myself from my mind and from the memories that exist within my mind, by searching for something 'more' within myself, instead of standing one and equal with my real memories as the actual experience of myself in 'the past', which was not at all 'positive' but in fact mostly negative and emotionally charged

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the positive experience that I feel towards my memories doesn't have anything to do with the actual memories themselves, and that the past wasn't actually 'better' or 'positive' or 'good' - but that in fact, how I experienced myself when I was younger was mostly negative and emotional, and that I actually only started focusing more on generating and experiencing positive feelings as I grew older, which is why I am now seeing my memories in a 'positive' light and am now connecting positive experiences to my memories, so that I can experience myself positively and in fact suppress the actual negative experiences that were my actual real experiences in those moments

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that my fear of losing those memories isn't actually a fear of losing the real moments that surpassed and that I experienced but it is a fear of losing the positive feeling energy that I have within my mind connected with those memories and wherein I have made the memories seem 'more' than what they actually are, and thus have made 'myself' seem 'more' than who I actually am

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for myself as the creator of my memories by accepting and defining myself within and as the idea and belief that I need my memories to be myself, and by not seeing, realizing and understanding that what I actually want and 'need' is the positive feeling energy that I have connected with my so-called 'memories'

And so I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to investigate why and how it is that I want, need and desire this positive experience that I have defined my memories within and why and how it is that I have connected this positive energetic charge to the 'memories' stored in my mind -- and that I have thus never seen, realized and understood that this desire, need and want for a positive experience is in fact a consequence of the negatively charged experiences within myself that I don't want to deal with or face and my fear of those negatively charged internal experiences

So I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the negatively charged experiences that exist within myself and that were the actual real experiences that I went through within the real actual moments in the past, by trying to suppress and hide those real negative experiences under a positive experience connected with the idea and the belief that 'things were better in the past'

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see myself 'reminiscing'  or experiencing a feeling of 'nostalgia' in my mind wherein I access memories of a person, connected with a belief, idea and experience that in the past everything was better/nicer/positive, or I see myself going into an experience of missing the past and 'how things were' or regretting that I have lost certain people - then I stop and breathe - and I see, realize and understand that I am looking at 'apparent' memories in my mind through the eyes of the mind, wherein  the memory that I am seeing as a picture as well as the feeling experience connected to it, is not the actual memory as how those moments in the past in fact unfolded and how I really experienced myself, but is a 'veil' that I have constructed and created to be able to suppress and hide those actual real experiences that I went through in those moments

And so, I see, realize and understand that those pictures in my mind that I call 'memories' are not in fact my real memories and thus are not in fact 'who I am' because they are fabrications of the mind as a system of energy which I have used to not have to take responsibility for myself and to not actually face all of the negatively charged experiences that I have experienced when I was younger

And so I see, realize and understand that the experience of fear of losing 'myself' if I were to lose specific people in my world and reality of which I have stored 'memories' in my mind, connected with positively charged feeling experiences, is not actually real because those 'memories' that I have in my mind of this person or these people is in fact a construct of the mind that I use to hide and suppress the reality of how I experienced myself in those moments -- which was never as onedimensional, limited and 'positive' as depicted in the images in my so-called 'memory'

So I commit myself to not hide or suppress who I really am within myself and the experiences that really exist within myself, and thus commit myself to not use the mind-construct of 'memories' in separation of myself and connected with onedimensional feeling experiences to suppress and hide that reality of myself which is in fact negatively charged

And so I commit myself to be honest with myself about what Is really going on within myself and so not simply trust that the onedimensional pictures and feelings of my 'memories' that come up in the mind are 'real' and are 'who I am' - but rather I commit myself to investigate what negatively charged experiences I am actually trying to hide and suppress behind these 'memory-depictions', so that I can get to realizing the reality of myself and of life as myself and stop existing within and as the lie that 'the past was better' or that life is somehow positive --- because I see, realize and understand that any positive feelings are always only based on pictures and images in the mind that I have in fact deliberately created as a veil so that I wouldn't see that how I have actually always really experienced myself throughout my life, was within and as negatively charged emotional experiences

2015 Why do I Always Feel Left Out? - Part 3

Why do I Always Feel Left Out? - Part 3

Changing Feeling Left Out in Real-Time

This  is a continuation of my journey of changing an emotional experience of feeling left out in real time. After having walked the initial step 1 and 2 I am now again investigating and having a look at how I experience the emotion of feeling left out now in my daily living within my participation with the people around me, compared to when I first started walking this process.

A first thing that I have realized is that I don't so often access the experience of feeling left out anymore and when I do, it is not nearly as intensely as I used to when I started my process of changing the experience of feeling left out.

Within this blog I will be sharing how I have walked and applied a Third Step within facing and changing an emotional reaction of feeling left out. In the event within this third step as I mentioned the experience of feeling left out was not as emotionally overwhelming anymore as it used to be. In fact this time, I could within the moment that the thoughts and emotions activated within myself, already take a step back and look at what was busy happening within my own mind - whereas before, I would go into an absolute emotional overwhelmingness to the point that I often went to isolate myself somewhere to cry my eyes out. This time, I actually within myself remained relatively stable as I observed this mind-program of feeling left out activate within my mind, which also made it a lot easier to then direct the emotional reactions that I would still ever so slightly go into.

So a few days ago the experience came up when I was together with a group of people and there was one girl who went to stand close to another girl to give her a hug. It wasn't like a real 'hug', she was more just with the one side of her body wrapping her arm around the other girl and leaning in to her, while placing her head on the girl's shoulders. Which within my mind I defined as an expression of two beings who are absolutely comfortable with each other, where their embrace is something that is casual and 'natural' and 'flowing'. For instance, the one girl didn't specifically say 'I need a hug' or ask for a hug from the other girl, she just went to stand next to her and in a very natural way, as if the other girl knew and expected that she was going to do that, and embraced her in a casual, nonchalant sisterly fashion.

In that quantum moment, I created a comparison in my mind and a thought went through my mind that 'I don't have that' and 'I can't experience that' and 'I never experience hugs like that'. I mean, there were in fact lots of thoughts going through my mind seemingly all at the same time. Because, what I was simultaneously also thinking, together with 'I don't experience that' and 'nobody ever hugs me like that', was 'nobody feels that comfortable around me', and 'if I tried to do that, then people would not accept it and they would resist me' --- with a general red line running through these thoughts being 'I am so alone'.

The 'I am so alone' point being basically my conclusion from all those previous thoughts that in a quantum moment ran through my mind as I was observing these two women expressing that intimacy with each other. And what is actually fascinating when I have a look at those thoughts of 'nobody ever does that with me' and 'if I tried that, people would resist me and push me away' and 'I never get to experience that intimacy' - and I look for actual examples of those statements, as in real-time events wherein people actually physically pushed me away or rejected me when I approached them,  by looking through my memories, then I cannot actually find any examples and so I cannot find any actual evidence to back up those statements in my mind.

I mean all that I can see and find, is a pattern of this emotional experience of feeling alone that I have been experiencing within myself all throughout my life. I have always only felt alone and within that experience of 'being alone', I 'felt like' other people would reject me or resist me or push me away if I were to approach them. But, I never actually did approach people, so I never actually found out whether or not there was any validity to those statements and beliefs in my mind. And, I also cannot find a real event that happened in my life that may have been an activating point for believing that people will reject me -- meaning an event that happened where I actually was rejected by people and where people did actually resist me, for instance within being bullied or something like that. There was just this seemingly isolated experience inside of myself of being disconnected from the people around me and of being 'alone' within and as myself. And, simultaneously with the feeling of 'being so alone' within myself, I experienced a yearning for connection and intimacy with the people that I saw around me - with my family, with my friends, and with everybody else in this world.

So it looks like this is a sort of 'personality system' that I have accepted to exist within myself as the 'who I am' in my mind, which is basically a structure of specific thoughts, backchat and emotional experiences that I go into in relation to specific situations - which is where it will in a way 'show itself' and 'come out' - and which essentially constantly exists within myself as a 'foundation' of my entire moment-to-moment existence, experience and expression of myself. It's just some specific situations and moments that 'draw it out' to the forefront where I will actually become highly emotional within myself and in those moments is where I fuel and regenerate the personality system within myself so it can continue existing as a constant foundational experience within and as myself.

And this is quite an interesting point to realize for me in relation to how the mind works, in that the thoughts and emotional experiences that I define myself within don't necessarily have a 'purpose' to them and aren't necessarily based on any valid 'reasoning'. As with this personality system of believing and experiencing myself to be 'alone' within myself in relation to people for instance, wherein I cannot find the source point of why and how it is that those thoughts and experiences exist within myself. They just kind of do, because of the simple fact that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with them.

I used to always have this tendency within myself, whenever I discovered a specific personality construct within myself such as this general experience of feeling left out in relation to people, to want to find a 'source' point within my memories. I wanted to find the specific event that occurred in my life that triggered it so that I could 'make sense' of what is happening within myself and so that I could in a way find a 'reasoning' behind why I feel the way I feel and experience myself the way I do. However what I have come to realize about the mind is that it doesn't really have any other purpose to it but to generate energy through thoughts, feelings and emotions, which means that it doesn't need to have a 'logical explanation' behind what it brings up for us to generate the energy it needs - as long as there exist the belief and appearance of a 'reason' behind and 'logic' to how we experience ourselves within and as our mind, enough for us to accept it as ourselves.

So from that perspective it is entirely possible that these seemingly random personality systems exist within ourselves without any particular 'reason', as in memories to back it up - but that the system only exist within and as ourselves because we never questioned it and because we blindly accepted it into our beingness to become a part of who we are.

So to get back to my practical application In that moment where I saw that I reacted emotionally to the image that I was seeing of the one girl hugging the other and the 'intimacy' and 'comfortableness' that I was seeing within that image and in the relationship between these two people - I started applying self-forgiveness in silence within myself. The following is an excerpt of those self-forgiveness statements which I spoke in that moment and which assisted and supported me within stabilizing myself and releasing the emotional experience of feeling left out that I was facing within myself in that moment. And then the next step will be to take on the 'I am so alone' personality system  that I have discovered as the driving force behind the emotional experience and reaction of feeling left out.

 Self-Forgiveness Statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with feeling left out to seeing X hugging Y

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X and Y and from the image that I am seeing with my eyes by reacting to it with emotions instead of remaining stable within myself and not allow what I see with my eyes to move and influence who I am within myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the desire within myself to experience what I am seeing with my eyes because I have assigned a positive value in my mind with the image of two people hugging each other connected with the word friendship

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am feeling left out as a negative emotional experience within myself in reaction to what I am seeing with my eyes because I have accepted and allowed a desire to exist within myself of being part of and belonging with and experiencing friendship and intimate relationships with other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X and Y for 'leaving me out' and 'not including me' and so blame them for the emotional experience of feeling left out within myself as how I am reacting to seeing them hugging each other - instead of taking responsibility for the desire within myself to be included and accepted and embraced by other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire experiencing belonging with and being accepted and embraced by other people within and as intimate relationships - and that I have therein created a point of 'lack' within myself as the opposite polarity of feeling left out and alone and rejected

And so I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for myself as the creator of the experience of feeling rejected and left out and alone in relation to specific images that I see in my world and reality of for instance two people hugging - by having accepted and allowed myself to blame X and Y for why it is that I am reacting within myself with feeling left out and alone to seeing them hugging --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that X and Y don't in any way have anything to do with how I react emotionally within myself as my emotional reactions are my own creation due to my accepted and allowed participation in energy within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately separate myself from the world and reality that I see with my eyes by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the desire to be included and accepted and embraced by others -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that no matter if I am being physically touched or embraced by others and no matter how others behave and express themselves in relation to me - in physical reality I am already existing within and as inclusion and acceptance as I am here in this world and reality as a part of this physical world and reality wherein all that exist is made up of the same matter and substance and we are all one and equal within and as ourselves

And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from inclusion and acceptance by defining inclusion and acceptance within and as an image of people hugging and touching each other and standing and talking close together -- and that I have therein accepted and allowed myself to create the idea and belief that If I do not have that sort of contact and relationship with people, then I cannot experience inclusion and acceptance --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have essentially created the belief and experience that who I am within and as myself is not already included and accepted and that I must thus long for and desire for inclusion and acceptance, thus creating an experience of lack within myself

I see, realize and understand that I am busy blaming X and Y for me feeling left out and alone within myself while I have created that experience by myself by having participated within positive energy experiences as a desire to 'have' specific  relationships with other people because I have separated myself from acceptance and intimacy by projecting it within specific images and ideas in my mind - and that within that blame I am in fact further separating myself from my own creation and victimising myself to my own emotional reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself inferior to what I am seeing with my eyes by connecting a positive value to the image that I am seeing of two women hugging, by defining that image within and as friendship and by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a desire to experience the positive energy value that I have connected in my mind with the word friendship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to what I am seeing with my eyes by reacting to what I see with thoughts, feelings an emotions - instead of being stable within and as myself within and as the realization and understanding that what I am seeing with my eyes in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my value away to an image that I see with my eyes and an idea of friendship that I have connected with a positive energy value within my mind --- instead of standing within and as self-value in every moment

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the separation that I have accepted and allowed myself to create between what I am seeing with my eyes and who I am within myself by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a desire to experience friendship and to belong --- wherein I have in fact created an experience of lack within myself

Self-Corrective Statements

I see, realize and understand that I am creating this experience of feeling left out and disconnected and separated from what I see with my eyes by myself by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a desire for friendship as specific images in my mind - rather than standing one and equal with my reality that is here and the beings around me in every moment of breath

I see, realize and understand that I am blaming X and Y for my own reactions that I have created within myself  by participating within points of desire and I see, realize and understand that within and as the point of blame I am projecting my responsibility towards my participation in my mind outward

And so I commit myself to take responsibility for myself  and for my creation as the experience of feeling left out by not accepting and allowing myself to participate within desires of being accepted because I see, realize and understand that that is how I am creating the experience of feeling left out within myself

So I stand as the point of responsibility in relation to feeling left out and I commit myself to embrace myself first  and to create a relationship of intimacy and connection with myself first before I go and blame others for not accepting or embracing me

2014 From Jealousy to Self-Expression -- Part 2

From Jealousy to Self-Expression -- Part 2

 Changing the Emotional Reaction of Jealousy in Real-Time

How I Faced and Stopped the Jealousy Demon within Myself - See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/09/2014-from-jealousy-to-self-expression.html#sthash.IGTxqhLj.dpufHow i

How I Faced and Stopped the Jealousy Demon within Myself - See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/09/2014-from-jealousy-to-self-expression.html#sthash.IGTxqhLj.dpuf

In the previous blog "2014 From Jealousy to Self-Expression", I opened up and investigated the emotional experience and reaction of jealousy, as I came to the realization that jealousy is an experience that I do often entertain in my mind, but at the same time it is an experience that I had been hiding from myself, because of how I have judged Jealousy as being something 'bad' and 'negative' and because I never wanted to face such 'negative'/'bad' sides of myself. Obviously though, I did have to come to terms with the fact that as long as I am judging things that exist within myself, and based on that judgment, go and hide those things from myself - then essentially I will be living a lie and so I will be accepting a limited version of myself, because in order to change, expand and develop myself as a being, I have to face all of myself, not only the parts that I have defined as 'good' and 'positive'.

If anything, since having started this process of investigating and changing the emotional experience of jealousy, I have been very grateful to myself for having applied the self-honesty required to be able to see how my own mind works and so be able to pick up on and become aware of when it is that I step into the experience of jealousy and actually stop myself from getting carried away by it and so change myself in those real-time moments.

After  having written the first blog within this process of Changing the emotional experience of Jealousy, and so within that blog having established a platform for myself of first of all understanding how and why it is that I will sometimes react with jealousy when I see another woman - there was a real-time event that opened up in my reality where I had to 'prove' my understanding and awareness of how jealousy works and my commitment to change Jealousy within and as myself to myself in one moment. These real-time moments is where I essentially make the decision of 'who I will be' and 'who I am', because when and as the experience of for instance jealousy comes up within myself and I am becoming aware of it coming up within myself, I have two choices that I can make -- I can either let myself be 'swept away' by the experience, as per how I have conditioned myself each time the experience came up within me in the past, and so accept and allow myself to 'become jealous' - or I can apply my awareness of Jealousy being a mind-construct and in that moment apply the Tools to be able to release the mind-construct and so make the decision that I will not allow the mind to define who I am and how I will experience myself in that moment.

So, the moment went as follows. I was out with a few friends and sitting next to me in the car was X. X had just met up with her boyfriend and she was still busy sending messages to him on her phone. As I was looking at her being preoccupied by her phone and smiling and giggling at the conversation that she was having with him on the phone, I specifically noticed how her expression showed that she was enjoying herself and also earlier that evening when I was seeing her interacting with her him, she looked like she was enjoying spending time with him. So in that moment in the car, there was a thought that came up within myself of 'I don't have that', wherein I basically created the idea in my mind that I don't have or experience that enjoyment that I am seeing within her in my own life, to which I within myself reacted with an experience of feeling inferior and feeling like my life is 'worth less' than her life - and so essentially I was then feeling jealous of what I saw within her and what I believed she has and I don't, because I wanted what she apparently has.

Eventually I started feeling this experience of anger coming up within myself in relation to her - where, she was doing small movements, like, flashing the light on her phone around or not hearing someone when they asked her a question, and that triggered anger within myself - specifically in relation to a backchat in my mind that 'she is too preoccupied by her feelings in relation to her boyfriend and the conversation that she is having with him to notice or care about what is going on around her'. So here, I saw and realized that there is something going on inside of myself that needs direction - because here I am getting angry and upset over literally the smallest, insignificant things  and I am channelling my anger towards this other person - which implies that there is something inside of myself that I am actually being angry about - something that I am not directing inside of myself.

So then I started applying self forgiveness - first on the anger that I was experiencing towards X and then on the jealousy that I had been experiencing, which was in fact where the anger was actually coming from.

And as I furthered in my self-forgiveness I saw and realized that what I had actually been doing was that, when I was looking at her and how she was expressing herself in relation to her partner and her relationship, I had been deliberately creating the idea in my mind that her life is so much better than my life --- which, if I actually had a self honest look at my own life, is not the case at all. I mean I am in a stable relationship, I have a partner that I am satisfied with. But somehow I had been looking at her and how she was living and expressing herself as if there is something special about it and as if her life is this movie screen that is resonating light - and in comparison my own life looked rather bleak.

So what I realized was that, with being honest with myself, actually the reason why I had been doing that in my mind is that I was deliberately distracting my attention away from my own life because the reality is that I will much rather preoccupy myself with reacting emotionally to other people, with for instance feeling jealous about how I am seeing someone else live their life, than take responsibility for my own life and actually direct my own life and take my life into my own hands to give to myself what it is that I actually want in my own relationship for instance. I mean, the truth is that I don't really 'feel like' paying attention to myself and my life and putting in the effort to give myself the things that I need and want - so within my thoughts, feelings and emotional experiences,  I will create the illusion in my mind that other people's lives are much more interesting and just better and superior, so that I can then react with emotional experiences of for instance jealousy and inferiority and thus take my attention away from myself and my life and so give myself an excuse to not have to actually take responsibility for myself and for creating and developing and building the life that I want for myself.

So here what I realized when looking at this experience of jealousy, and specifically looking at what I am actually doing when accessing that experience of jealousy - is that I am deliberately creating a PERCEPTION in my mind that another's life is more/better/superior than my life, just so that I could emotionally react to that perception and so that, within and as that emotional reaction, I can in a way 'forget' about and look away from my own life, specifically by focusing my attention onto how another person is living their life.

And this because, what this reaction and experience of jealousy in relation to and towards another person's life is actually hiding, is a fear of failing in relation to my own life. I fear taking specific steps and I fear taking direction and making specific decisions and moving myself within my own life because I fear failing and failure and I fear the future- which is why I would then rather try to distract myself from looking at myself within and as own life, through using thoughts of judgments, ideas, perceptions and comparison and emotional reactions and experiences of jealousy - so that I could in a way abdicate my responsibility and avoid taking responsibility for my life and thus avoid facing my fears of failure and of the future.

So I was applying self-forgiveness until I no longer experienced the anger, resentment or jealousy towards this other person and until I was stable within myself -- which I established through realizing and facing this point of what I was actually doing within myself - which was deliberately shifting my attention away from myself and my own life onto thoughts and perceptions about someone else's life so that I could avoid, 'run away from' and suppress the fears that I experience within myself in relation to my life.

At this point I realized that it is simply unacceptable for me to not just be honest with myself and to so deliberately try to abdicate my responsibility for myself and my life. And, in the face of this truth of myself, it would be unacceptable for me to turn my back on reality to continue participating in the illusion of Jealousy - illusion, from the perspective that the emotional experience of jealousy turned out to have nothing to do with this other person's life being apparently 'better', 'more' or 'superior' than my life, as it was just me looking for an excuse to not have to deal with my own fears. And so this was the point, where I understood that further allowing myself to participate in jealousy would be unacceptable -from the perspective that I would damage my integrity and decency as a being - that I was able to stabilize myself and release the emotional energy of jealousy and the anger and resentment that I had been generating with it.

In the next blog in this series from Jealousy to Self-expression, I will be having a look at the point of 'self-enjoyment' as the expression in the event in my first blog and in this event that seems to be the activating point for my reaction of jealousy - which thus implies that that is the specific expression that I am not giving to myself and so is at the starting point of why I would react with jealousy when I am seeing other women expressing self-enjoyment.

The following is a slightly elaborated version of the self-forgiveness that I applied in that moment and that assisted me in releasing the emotional reaction of jealousy:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as this reaction of anger to and towards X without investigating or understanding where this anger is coming from and how I have generated this anger within myself

I forgive myself  that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am reacting to X with anger because I am actually feeling powerless and inferior and fearful within myself in relation to X and what I am seeing when I am observing her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at X's life and her expression and react with a thought in my mind that her life is so much more and so much better than my life

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then react to the thought that X's life and her expression is so much more and better than my life and expression with an emotional experience of inferiority, fear and powerlessness, because of now having defined myself in my mind as 'less than' X and so believing myself to be of inferior value, and therein then triggering a fear within myself of being less valuable than others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my life to be less valuable and inferior to X's life

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project that belief onto X when I am looking at her and observing her expression and then separate myself from that belief in my mind by reacting to my projection of that belief onto X with an emotional experience of fear of being less than others, and so within and as that experience of fear  create the experience that I am in fact inferior and less than X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a fear of being less than others to exist within myself

And I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I create what I accept and allow to exist within myself - and that thus if I define myself within and as a fear of being less than others, than I in fact create the experience that I am less than others within myself because that is what exists within and as myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I am feeling angry towards X because I am reacting to my own self-accepted belief that my life and expression is less valuable than hers

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that within being angry with X and observing her expression and her life within and as a reaction within myself - I am actually distracting myself from my own life and giving my value away to X's life and so therein creating the experience within myself that I am less than X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself and actually take my own life in my hands because it is just easier to distract myself with looking at how others lead their lives and preoccupy myself in my mind within emotional reactions - wherein I can then give away my responsibility and my power in relation to my own life and so not have to face my own fears in relation to the future and in relation to failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at X's life and react emotionally to what I am seeing so as to distract myself from my own fears - and create a point of blame, wherein I am blaming X for the emotional experience of inferiority within myself -- so that I wouldn't have to take responsibility for the fact that this experience of inferiority is in fact my fears in relation to the future and in relation to failing in my own life

So I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for my own life by victimizing myself in relation to my own internal fears - through looking at and observing person X's life and giving my power away to emotional reactions to thoughts and ideas and projections in my mind in relation to how person X's life compares to my life --- instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that I am actually experiencing resistance and fear in relation to my own fears that I have not yet dealt with, and that me looking at person X's life and creating ideas, perceptions and beliefs about who they are and how they live their life and then reacting emotionally to that, is in fact me deliberately distracting myself from my own fears and so me not taking responsibility for myself within and as my own life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately create the idea and perception in my mind that X's life is better than my life and that who she is and how she lives and expresses herself is better than who I am and how I express myself - so that I can have a point within my mind to give my power away to, by then reacting emotionally to those ideas in my mind, and so that I would not be faced with my life and my responsibility to manifest and direct my life in relation to what is best for myself and so create myself according to who it is that I want to be and what it is that I want to live

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself and see, realize and understand that I am actually afraid of creating my own life and taking my life in my own hands because I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a fear of failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a fear of failing within and as my mind

And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of failing to direct me in relation to my life and myself - by accepting and allowing my awareness and attention to be guided and directed away from in every moment seeing and directing my own life, towards looking at and observing how other people live their lives and express themselves -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that as long as I do not fact my fear of failing and as long as I do not walk through the fear and actually take my life into my own hands, within and as the realization that my life is in fact in my own hands --- then I am actually manifesting 'failure' within and as my life, as I am not actually in every moment directing myself towards making my life a success

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as an emotional reaction and experience within myself of anger towards and directed to X in relation to her expression - where, I believe that I am feeling angry because of how she is behaving, because 'she isn't paying attention to the people around her, as she is too busy fiddling with her phone' --- instead of being honest with myself and with what is really going on in my mind as to the real actual origin and starting point of this reaction of anger, and see, realize and understand that within this experience of anger, I am diminishing X within my mind, because within and as the emotional reaction of jealousy I was placing X on a pedestal and making her superior within my mind

So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider participating within this emotional experience of anger towards X instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the anger is a consequence of not having dealt with and released the emotional reaction and experience of jealousy, wherein I had accepted and allowed myself to give away my power to the thoughts in my mind that X is better than me and her life is better than mine - and where now with getting angry I am attempting to get that power back by diminishing X within and as thoughts and backchat in relation to her expression

So I forgive myself that I haven't been honest with myself in relation to how I gave my power within my mind by reacting emotionally to thoughts in my mind wherein I was placing X on a pedestal by believing that she and her life is better than me and my life - and that I have accepted and allowed myself to go and react with an experience of anger, and actually take it out and blame it on X, within and as the belief and thought in my mind  that I am reacting with anger because of who X is and how she is behaving - instead of being honest with myself and taking responsibility for this experience of anger within myself within and as the realization, insight and understanding that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the experience and backchat of anger, by giving my power away within and as the experience and backchat of jealousy

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see the experience of jealousy coming up within myself towards X or any other person that I am looking at and observing in my environment, connected with internal backchat that 'they are so much better than me in their expression and in the way that they live their life' - then I stop and I breathe - and I see, realize, understand and make myself aware of how I am, within my 'looking at' and 'observing' this person and their expression, I am in fact busy creating ideas and perceptions and interpretations in my own mind which means that I am deliberately creating a platform to react emotionally

I see, realize and understand that, within applying and participating within this 'looking at' and 'observing' this other person or other people and creating ideas, perceptions and beliefs in my mind about 'who they are', I am giving away my 'energy' and 'attention' and so I am creating the experience within myself that I am 'less' than this person that I am looking at and observing --- and so basically within that I am creating the emotional reaction of jealousy, wherein I 'want what they have' and I want to be what they are and live what I perceive and believe they are living, as I have created the perception and experience that their life and their expression is 'better', 'more' and 'superior' to mine

I see, realize and understand that thus I am experiencing the emotional experience of jealousy not because the people that I am watching, looking at and observing are really truly 'more' or 'better' or 'superior' to myself - but actually because I want to react emotionally to what I am seeing with my eyes, just so that I could divert my attention away from  the fears that I am dealing within within myself in relation to my own life and my reality

So, within this, I see, realize and understand that I am entirely responsible for having created the emotional experience within myself of jealousy - as I see, realize and understand that it is not about another person being or having 'more' than myself, it is in fact about me deliberately giving my power away through creating ideas and perceptions and beliefs about the people that I see with my eyes because I don't want to look at myself and my own life and I don't want to take responsibility for developing and building and nurturing my own life and expression, as I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear of failure in relation my the future and in relation to how I direct and live my life

So here, I commit myself to, instead of creating distractions in my mind within and as thoughts and emotional reactions in relation to other people that I see around me in my environment just so that I wouldn't have to face and experience my internal fears in relation to myself and my life - be courageous and honest with myself and bring my attention and awareness back to myself, every time that I catch myself experiencing jealousy in relation to people that I am observing and looking at in my outside world, by immediately realizing, seeing and understanding that this experience of jealousy, wherein I am channelling and projecting all of my focus and all of myself outward into this image/picture of another person that I am seeing with my eyes, is based on a fear inside of myself that I am trying to run away from

So, I commit myself to face my personal fears of failure and fear of the future in relation to my own life - and to stand up within and as myself as the self-directive principle of myself and my world and reality -- because I see, realize and understand that the fear of failure and fear of the future in fact only comes up within myself if and when I accept and allow myself to give my power away and if and when I do not in every moment of breath stand as the directive principle of and as myself

Thus, I do not accept and allow myself to give my power away to this polarity experience of jealousy, as the experience of 'wanting what others have', and fear of failing in my life -- but to rather remain stable within and as my breath and my moment-to-moment existing within and as the physical body, wherein I stand and exist within and as control and power

And within this, when and as I see an experience of anger coming up within myself, wherein I am in my mind having backchat in relation to X or any other person in relation to specific expressions that I see within them, like 'X not paying attention to her environment cause she is fiddling with her phone' - then I stop and breathe, and I see, realize and understand that I am in that moment deliberately diminishing this person's expression within my mind, because somewhere within myself I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away within and as specific thoughts and backchat wherein I had in fact diminished and inferiorized myself, and so this experience of anger is in fact me within my mind trying to take back that power

Herein I see, realize and understand that the only real way wherein I can get my power back, is not by trying to diminish others in my mind and give myself a specific energetic experience of 'superiority', 'power' and 'control', but by in the first place taking responsibility for the specific thoughts, backchats and emotional reactions and experiences in my mind that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in and give my power away to, wherein I am for instance placing other people on a pedestal and defining them as superior to myself through the perceptions, ideas and beliefs that I create in my mind when I am looking at and observing them

Thus, I commit myself to not accept or allow myself to give my power away to the mind-construct of jealousy as the 'looking at' and observing another person and reacting with thoughts and backchat about her expression wherein I create the illusion that her expression is in some way 'more' than my expression - to create and develop an awareness within myself in relation to when I step into this 'looking at' and 'observing', to always make sure that I do not channel my awareness and focus into what my eyes are seeing, but that I always remain Here, within and as my own physical body and the awareness of my breathing