2015 Why do I Always Feel Left Out? - Part 3

Why do I Always Feel Left Out? - Part 3

Changing Feeling Left Out in Real-Time

This  is a continuation of my journey of changing an emotional experience of feeling left out in real time. After having walked the initial step 1 and 2 I am now again investigating and having a look at how I experience the emotion of feeling left out now in my daily living within my participation with the people around me, compared to when I first started walking this process.

A first thing that I have realized is that I don't so often access the experience of feeling left out anymore and when I do, it is not nearly as intensely as I used to when I started my process of changing the experience of feeling left out.

Within this blog I will be sharing how I have walked and applied a Third Step within facing and changing an emotional reaction of feeling left out. In the event within this third step as I mentioned the experience of feeling left out was not as emotionally overwhelming anymore as it used to be. In fact this time, I could within the moment that the thoughts and emotions activated within myself, already take a step back and look at what was busy happening within my own mind - whereas before, I would go into an absolute emotional overwhelmingness to the point that I often went to isolate myself somewhere to cry my eyes out. This time, I actually within myself remained relatively stable as I observed this mind-program of feeling left out activate within my mind, which also made it a lot easier to then direct the emotional reactions that I would still ever so slightly go into.

So a few days ago the experience came up when I was together with a group of people and there was one girl who went to stand close to another girl to give her a hug. It wasn't like a real 'hug', she was more just with the one side of her body wrapping her arm around the other girl and leaning in to her, while placing her head on the girl's shoulders. Which within my mind I defined as an expression of two beings who are absolutely comfortable with each other, where their embrace is something that is casual and 'natural' and 'flowing'. For instance, the one girl didn't specifically say 'I need a hug' or ask for a hug from the other girl, she just went to stand next to her and in a very natural way, as if the other girl knew and expected that she was going to do that, and embraced her in a casual, nonchalant sisterly fashion.

In that quantum moment, I created a comparison in my mind and a thought went through my mind that 'I don't have that' and 'I can't experience that' and 'I never experience hugs like that'. I mean, there were in fact lots of thoughts going through my mind seemingly all at the same time. Because, what I was simultaneously also thinking, together with 'I don't experience that' and 'nobody ever hugs me like that', was 'nobody feels that comfortable around me', and 'if I tried to do that, then people would not accept it and they would resist me' --- with a general red line running through these thoughts being 'I am so alone'.

The 'I am so alone' point being basically my conclusion from all those previous thoughts that in a quantum moment ran through my mind as I was observing these two women expressing that intimacy with each other. And what is actually fascinating when I have a look at those thoughts of 'nobody ever does that with me' and 'if I tried that, people would resist me and push me away' and 'I never get to experience that intimacy' - and I look for actual examples of those statements, as in real-time events wherein people actually physically pushed me away or rejected me when I approached them,  by looking through my memories, then I cannot actually find any examples and so I cannot find any actual evidence to back up those statements in my mind.

I mean all that I can see and find, is a pattern of this emotional experience of feeling alone that I have been experiencing within myself all throughout my life. I have always only felt alone and within that experience of 'being alone', I 'felt like' other people would reject me or resist me or push me away if I were to approach them. But, I never actually did approach people, so I never actually found out whether or not there was any validity to those statements and beliefs in my mind. And, I also cannot find a real event that happened in my life that may have been an activating point for believing that people will reject me -- meaning an event that happened where I actually was rejected by people and where people did actually resist me, for instance within being bullied or something like that. There was just this seemingly isolated experience inside of myself of being disconnected from the people around me and of being 'alone' within and as myself. And, simultaneously with the feeling of 'being so alone' within myself, I experienced a yearning for connection and intimacy with the people that I saw around me - with my family, with my friends, and with everybody else in this world.

So it looks like this is a sort of 'personality system' that I have accepted to exist within myself as the 'who I am' in my mind, which is basically a structure of specific thoughts, backchat and emotional experiences that I go into in relation to specific situations - which is where it will in a way 'show itself' and 'come out' - and which essentially constantly exists within myself as a 'foundation' of my entire moment-to-moment existence, experience and expression of myself. It's just some specific situations and moments that 'draw it out' to the forefront where I will actually become highly emotional within myself and in those moments is where I fuel and regenerate the personality system within myself so it can continue existing as a constant foundational experience within and as myself.

And this is quite an interesting point to realize for me in relation to how the mind works, in that the thoughts and emotional experiences that I define myself within don't necessarily have a 'purpose' to them and aren't necessarily based on any valid 'reasoning'. As with this personality system of believing and experiencing myself to be 'alone' within myself in relation to people for instance, wherein I cannot find the source point of why and how it is that those thoughts and experiences exist within myself. They just kind of do, because of the simple fact that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with them.

I used to always have this tendency within myself, whenever I discovered a specific personality construct within myself such as this general experience of feeling left out in relation to people, to want to find a 'source' point within my memories. I wanted to find the specific event that occurred in my life that triggered it so that I could 'make sense' of what is happening within myself and so that I could in a way find a 'reasoning' behind why I feel the way I feel and experience myself the way I do. However what I have come to realize about the mind is that it doesn't really have any other purpose to it but to generate energy through thoughts, feelings and emotions, which means that it doesn't need to have a 'logical explanation' behind what it brings up for us to generate the energy it needs - as long as there exist the belief and appearance of a 'reason' behind and 'logic' to how we experience ourselves within and as our mind, enough for us to accept it as ourselves.

So from that perspective it is entirely possible that these seemingly random personality systems exist within ourselves without any particular 'reason', as in memories to back it up - but that the system only exist within and as ourselves because we never questioned it and because we blindly accepted it into our beingness to become a part of who we are.

So to get back to my practical application In that moment where I saw that I reacted emotionally to the image that I was seeing of the one girl hugging the other and the 'intimacy' and 'comfortableness' that I was seeing within that image and in the relationship between these two people - I started applying self-forgiveness in silence within myself. The following is an excerpt of those self-forgiveness statements which I spoke in that moment and which assisted and supported me within stabilizing myself and releasing the emotional experience of feeling left out that I was facing within myself in that moment. And then the next step will be to take on the 'I am so alone' personality system  that I have discovered as the driving force behind the emotional experience and reaction of feeling left out.

 Self-Forgiveness Statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with feeling left out to seeing X hugging Y

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X and Y and from the image that I am seeing with my eyes by reacting to it with emotions instead of remaining stable within myself and not allow what I see with my eyes to move and influence who I am within myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the desire within myself to experience what I am seeing with my eyes because I have assigned a positive value in my mind with the image of two people hugging each other connected with the word friendship

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am feeling left out as a negative emotional experience within myself in reaction to what I am seeing with my eyes because I have accepted and allowed a desire to exist within myself of being part of and belonging with and experiencing friendship and intimate relationships with other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X and Y for 'leaving me out' and 'not including me' and so blame them for the emotional experience of feeling left out within myself as how I am reacting to seeing them hugging each other - instead of taking responsibility for the desire within myself to be included and accepted and embraced by other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire experiencing belonging with and being accepted and embraced by other people within and as intimate relationships - and that I have therein created a point of 'lack' within myself as the opposite polarity of feeling left out and alone and rejected

And so I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for myself as the creator of the experience of feeling rejected and left out and alone in relation to specific images that I see in my world and reality of for instance two people hugging - by having accepted and allowed myself to blame X and Y for why it is that I am reacting within myself with feeling left out and alone to seeing them hugging --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that X and Y don't in any way have anything to do with how I react emotionally within myself as my emotional reactions are my own creation due to my accepted and allowed participation in energy within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately separate myself from the world and reality that I see with my eyes by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the desire to be included and accepted and embraced by others -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that no matter if I am being physically touched or embraced by others and no matter how others behave and express themselves in relation to me - in physical reality I am already existing within and as inclusion and acceptance as I am here in this world and reality as a part of this physical world and reality wherein all that exist is made up of the same matter and substance and we are all one and equal within and as ourselves

And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from inclusion and acceptance by defining inclusion and acceptance within and as an image of people hugging and touching each other and standing and talking close together -- and that I have therein accepted and allowed myself to create the idea and belief that If I do not have that sort of contact and relationship with people, then I cannot experience inclusion and acceptance --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have essentially created the belief and experience that who I am within and as myself is not already included and accepted and that I must thus long for and desire for inclusion and acceptance, thus creating an experience of lack within myself

I see, realize and understand that I am busy blaming X and Y for me feeling left out and alone within myself while I have created that experience by myself by having participated within positive energy experiences as a desire to 'have' specific  relationships with other people because I have separated myself from acceptance and intimacy by projecting it within specific images and ideas in my mind - and that within that blame I am in fact further separating myself from my own creation and victimising myself to my own emotional reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself inferior to what I am seeing with my eyes by connecting a positive value to the image that I am seeing of two women hugging, by defining that image within and as friendship and by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a desire to experience the positive energy value that I have connected in my mind with the word friendship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to what I am seeing with my eyes by reacting to what I see with thoughts, feelings an emotions - instead of being stable within and as myself within and as the realization and understanding that what I am seeing with my eyes in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my value away to an image that I see with my eyes and an idea of friendship that I have connected with a positive energy value within my mind --- instead of standing within and as self-value in every moment

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the separation that I have accepted and allowed myself to create between what I am seeing with my eyes and who I am within myself by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a desire to experience friendship and to belong --- wherein I have in fact created an experience of lack within myself

Self-Corrective Statements

I see, realize and understand that I am creating this experience of feeling left out and disconnected and separated from what I see with my eyes by myself by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a desire for friendship as specific images in my mind - rather than standing one and equal with my reality that is here and the beings around me in every moment of breath

I see, realize and understand that I am blaming X and Y for my own reactions that I have created within myself  by participating within points of desire and I see, realize and understand that within and as the point of blame I am projecting my responsibility towards my participation in my mind outward

And so I commit myself to take responsibility for myself  and for my creation as the experience of feeling left out by not accepting and allowing myself to participate within desires of being accepted because I see, realize and understand that that is how I am creating the experience of feeling left out within myself

So I stand as the point of responsibility in relation to feeling left out and I commit myself to embrace myself first  and to create a relationship of intimacy and connection with myself first before I go and blame others for not accepting or embracing me

2014 How I Stopped the War on People

 2014 How I Stopped the War on People

Changing Conflict and argument into Care and Consideration

I remember when I first started vlogging and blogging in the beginning stages of walking my process of investigating the mind, investigating reality and finding solutions for the problems that I as an individual face within myself in terms of my emotional and mental experiences and the problems that we as a collective face in this world, such as poverty, starvation, rape, murder, etcetera - whenever someone would comment on a vlog that I had made or a blog that I had written that from my perspective didn't immediately give off the 'vibe' that they agree with what I had to say, I went into heavy reactions of anger, which I experienced within myself as this stance of 'righteousness', wherein I felt like I was this crusader out to defend the truth against all who opposed it. 'The truth' being that which I at the time believed about reality.

Then from the starting point of that internal reaction to the comment of the specific person, I would start activating thoughts in my mind at a very fast pace of all the things that I could say to this person to disprove their stance and to prove that my point which I was conveying and sharing was 'right' and that they are 'wrong'. In my mind I would have these entire speeches at the ready that were the product of my desire to just find a way to get this person to see and realize and understand that their view and understanding of reality has all along been 'wrong' and that what I am showing and telling them is 'right' -- wherein I was basically almost expecting some kind of 'revelation' to take place within this person, and for them to go 'Oh My God! You are absolutely right! I cannot believe how lost I was in my own beliefs and thoughts! Thank you so much for showing me the light, Oh Great Master!'.

This reaction within myself of anger and frustration when someone didn't immediately agree with me, which I would within my mind always interpret and experience as a blatant attack of my words, my opinions and my person, wouldn't only take place in online discussions and conversations, but also occurred in my home environment with the people close to me. I would get into many heated discussions with my mother and her partner, whom I lived with at the time, and with my friends and family members, wherein the starting point of the discussion that always turned into arguing was that I was trying to defend myself against a perceived enemy based on the idea and belief in my mind that they are against me as what I am expressing in my words, which was mostly some statement that I had made about 'how things are', like about how politics and the economy should be changing and how people should change because the world is going to hell, etcetera -- just because they didn't immediately say 'wow Kim, yes I see now! You are so absolutely right! Thank you for sharing this insight with me and please help me to change!'.

This tendency of being so reactive towards people in relation to discussing matters of the world didn't only come up at that specific time in my life when I started walking my process of Self-Change, even though it may have appeared that way, because I was getting into arguments with people in my immediate environment as well as online almost on a daily bases -- within my quest to 'defend and spread the truth', which was in other words my quest to push and force my personal agenda onto everyone else from the starting point of believing that I am 'right' and that everyone who doesn't agree with me is 'wrong' and so now I must 'fight' for what is 'right' and wherein I wasn't aware that, from an observers perspective, I was kind of turning into a little dictator on a small scale in my relationships with the people in my small world of influence.

That reactive and self-righteous nature was actually already existent within myself ever since I became a teenager and had acquired some reasoning and logical thinking skills and so from the age that I was able to form 'thought-constructs' in my own head through connecting information that I had learned and picked up in my world and environment -- that had now become 'my information', 'my opinions' and 'my perspectives' which I believed contained my 'identity' as a being, a belief that explains why I felt like I had to defend those opinions and perspectives against all those who might question or criticize them. It was however only once I started exploring information and ways of looking at reality that was different from what I had learned and come in contact with in my life so far, that this little self-righteousness demon in the mind became visible and was lured out of its lair - because what I found is that as long as the information that I identify myself with is the same or similar to that of the people in my environment, then we will agree on pretty much everything, because we think alike  - but from the moment that there is a shift in that information, when for instance one person comes in contact with a specific group in 'the world out there' who present different information in the form of opinions, ideas, perceptions and beliefs, then conflict arises because now there are differences of opinions coming up.

It’s the same phenomenon that plays out between people from different cultures, families, religions, ages and other types of backgrounds. There is essentially just a difference in information contained in the mind of these individuals - depending on the environment that they grew up in - and so a difference in values, norms and beliefs in relation to reality, which often then makes way for conflict to arise between people from different backgrounds as each individual is in defence mode in relation to the information they believe represents and defines 'who they are' within and as their mind.

So basically in those beginning stages of walking my process of Self-Change and Self-Realization, I felt like my relationships with the people around me was like a war-zone and like I had to fight people - because I was fighting for the information that I had at that time come in contact with and that I had now come to identify myself with, which was information in relation to why one should walk a process of Self-Change, why the world needs Change, why people need to Change, etcetera --- and so basically I was fighting for my existence and survival as an 'Identity' - this 'Identity' being a system/construct of information in the Mind.

How I over time as I furthered into walking my actual process of Self-Change and Self-Realization changed this inner nature of reactive self-righteousness in relation to other people and specifically in relation to myself as who I believe I am and what information of and within myself as my Mind I believe must be defended - is through having first of all realized and taken my responsibility for my own mind, meaning that I not only became aware of how my experience that other people were 'attacking me' when they  were 'not agreeing with me', was in fact more my own perception of the situation that was coming from and existed within the Ego within my mind wherein I had defined myself within specific 'opinions' and information about 'reality', but I also changed this attackative relationship with other people in my internal and external reality.

In other words, a very valuable gift that I have learned in this process is to be humble in my expression towards other people and to, when I see that reaction coming up within myself where I want to go into a fighting mode towards another person, which is a specific conflictual experience within myself - rather than expressing myself from that experience and actually going into conflict with another person, I stop myself and apply the realization and understanding that this perceived 'conflict' in relation to this other person and their words is nothing personal but is actually rather a consequence of the fact that we both come from different backgrounds and we use different vocabulary and words to describe and define different things.

This means that I have to now become firstly honest with myself about the words that this person is using that I am reacting to within myself because somewhere along the line I have accepted and allowed myself to define those words as 'bad' and 'negative', because it is those internal definitions of words that I am actually reacting to with resistance and not so much to the person themselves. And then from that starting point of clearing my own prejudices and judgments of words, I can start seeing beyond the words and start investigating who this person really is as a being within the words that they speak - considering that they may use different words to describe the exact same thing as what I am describing and speaking about, just because those are the words that they have learned throughout their life to form part of their vocabulary and so that is what they will use to describe who they are within themselves and to express themselves within. So it Is up to me now to find that starting point of firstly what this being is really expressing and secondly where the vocabulary and the words that they use actually come from.

Because, we human beings are in a way systems of information and the information that we will express is the information that we have throughout our lives come in contact with and aligned ourselves with. So if I go and just react to someone because I don't personally like the words that they are expressing and how they are expressing themselves within and as the words they speak, then I am in fact reacting from the most superficial layer of my own mind wherein I do not see this process that I have walked myself in my life in relation to learning specific words and aligning myself with specific words that I have throughout my life come in contact with - and so I will also not see that process within another.

What I found for myself is that to start seeing that process within another, meaning the process that they have walked to become who they are and how they express themselves in the words that they speak - is where you make a shift within yourself from being and existing as an Ego within the superficial layers of the system of information that is the Mind, to existing within a genuine Care and Consideration for other beings. And that is where real communication with others can start forming - as communication will now not  be from the starting point of internal reactions but from the starting point of really getting to know a person and finding ways to start understanding a person and to start speaking to and with who they are as a being within themselves and so not the system of information that they have become throughout their lifetime here on earth. And that is a gift that can only start unfolding once you allow yourself to be open when communicating with another being, where you look past your own internal reactions and you stand within the realization that this other being's expression is one and equal with your own expression - they are just using a different vocabulary to express who they are. So, the words may be different and the 'system of information' that is being expressed may be different, but the being at the core of it is one and equal with ourselves.

There is a Free Online Course - DIP Lite - that will assist and support you to start walking the first steps in the process of investigating and understanding who you are within and as the System of Information as the mind -- and so to start understanding why and how it is that we sometimes go into conflict and arguments with other people based on and because of the words that are being spoken, as a consequence of us not actually understanding who we are within the words that we speak.

2014 From Jealousy to Self-Expression

2014 From Jealousy to Self-Expression

How I Faced and Stopped the Jealousy Demon within Myself

I had this really vivid and intense nightmare last night and when I woke up and spoke to someone about it - within the process of looking at the dream and investigating it from the starting point of what it is that I am, through the dream, showing myself about how I exist within myself and what points I should be looking at within walking my process of Self-Change and Self-Realization, I didn't actually really look at the part of the dream that was the most intense and impactful. It was only when this person that I was having a discussion with about the dream pointed it out to me that I started to see and realize that what this part of the dream was showing me and also the fact that it was the most vivid and intense yet at the same time the most overlooked and ignored section of the dream - was showing me that this is a point that exists within myself that I have not been dealing with or facing and have not even been honest with myself about its existence within myself -- the point being Jealousy.

The events in the dream went as follows. I am looking at these two women having a conversation, where the one woman(woman A) is telling the other woman(woman B) how she met someone and she loves him very much and they are planning on moving far away together, upon which woman B becomes so overtaken with jealousy because she is not experiencing that joy, happiness and fulfillment in her life that she is seeing within woman A's expression, that she decides to keep woman A locked up in her house. Years have passed and I see that woman A who was locked up in woman B's house for all those years looks like a skeleton - skin over bones and extremely pale and weak. While I am watching this scene play out and sympathizing with woman A who was locked up, I start screaming for help to the people that I see walking passed the window (in the dream I identify myself with woman A so I am both bystander and observer as well as that woman - so in that moment when I am screaming, it is also her screaming) - then woman B becomes so absolutely enraged and filled with hate, fury and spite, that she digs into the flesh of woman A with her fingernails and rips out her spine. The dream continues for a bit after that but for the purpose of this blog I will be looking at this section specifically - as it reveals very nicely how the mind-construct of jealousy works and what it actually does within myself, or rather what I do to myself when I accept and allow myself to step into this mind-construct.

So, looking at the dream and in being able to understand  and see what the dream represents in relation to who I am within and as myself - I 'collapse' the images of the people and I look at the pattern that is playing out as a representation of a pattern that is existent within and as my mind -- wherein I see and realize that each person within the dream is in fact representing a part of myself and the relationships between the people show the relationships that I have created within my mind with those parts of myself. With this specific scene showing me how jealousy works within and as my mind and who I am in my relationship with myself with regards to jealousy.

The two women thus are both me - where woman B is me within and as the experience and mind-construct of jealousy and woman A is me as a being - and looking at the characters that they play in the dream, I can see that there is a polarity-construct going on, as the one woman is experiencing and exerting all this anger, fury, intensity, power, resentment and blind hate and the other one is completely weakened and had the life sucked out of her by this anger, resentment and hate that is being acted out on her by woman B. So, that is essentially what I do to myself when I go into an experience of jealousy, is that with me becoming emotionally enveloped within experiences of hate, anger and resentment and generating a feeling of 'power' within my mind through accessing spiteful backchat and internal conversations directed towards the person that I feel jealous of - I am simultaneously diminishing who I am as a being, to the point that actually I as a being don't really exist within myself anymore because I have channeled all of my existence and beingness into the experience of jealousy within the mind as I am busy focusing my attention on how someone else is living their life.

Also the point of the spine being ripped out from the woman who is representing me as a being - shows that when I go into the mind-construct of jealousy, I become 'spineless' - meaning that within my mind, my backchat and my reactions, there exists no integrity, self-respect, self-worth, self-value, self-acceptance or any regard for life within myself or another at all -- as I accept and allow the jealousy-construct to define me so completely that I lose all awareness of who I actually really am as a being, through accepting and allowing myself to access that specific secretive nature of hate, resentment and spite towards another being within my mind. And if I really have an honest look at who and what I become within that experience of jealousy and at the fact that when that experience comes up in my mind I tend to not even question it and immediately believe that it is 'me', then it becomes clear to me that I have not yet developed a real starting point within myself in relation to knowing who I am as a being - because I would so easily believe that such an essentially 'evil' nature, expression and experience is 'me' -- though I wouldn't consciously admit it to myself that this is in fact what is going on within and as my mind.

Then the point of me screaming to other people for help when witnessing this situation in my dream - implies and reveals to me that I tend to victimize myself in relation to such experiences of for instance jealousy within my mind. Meaning that I don't actually want to take responsibility for the existence of such experiences within myself because I don't want to face that sort of 'evil' within and as myself - I don't want to accept, see or realize that the 'evil' character and persona as depicted by that woman in my dream, is in fact a part of me that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself. And so I will want other people to help me whenever I am facing these sorts of 'bad' and 'negative' experiences within myself because I have separated myself from it by having created the idea and belief that somehow it is 'not me' - that I am a victim of these experiences. Which is obviously ludicrous because I mean it does in fact exist within me, so it cannot be anything else but me.

Below I am sharing the self-forgiveness process that I have walked within opening this point up,  releasing it and correcting it within myself. However I will still have to walk a practical real-time process of proving to myself that my process of release and correction and self-change has in fact been effective -- which means that if I see and find that when the experience of jealousy comes up within myself and I am still accepting and allowing myself to get lost within it, that I will have to re-investigate and find the point in relation to the experience where I am giving away my self-responsibility and allowing this mind-construct to have power over me.

Self-Forgiveness Statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the mind-construct of jealousy to exist within myself in separation of myself - where in some moments, when seeing other people have things that I desire, I feel myself becoming overtaken with an experience of jealousy  that comes up within myself to the extent that I lose all track of myself as my integrity and dignity, self-respect and self-worth as I become so enveloped within and as that onedimensional experience of spitefulness, resentment and hate in relation to seeing this other individual have and experience what I want and desire  as something that i haven't actually given to myself

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the experience of jealousy to and towards something that I see within another woman - will specifically be in relation to a specific expression that I see within her that I haven't given to myself because I have accepted and allowed myself to judge and suppress my expression

And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to actually go into that experience of jealousy, connected with hateful, spiteful and resentful backchat towards another being wherein I would for instance wish that they would in some way get hurt or that something goes wrong in their life so that they will feel afraid and inferior like I feel afraid and inferior within myself or where I would want to deliberately not offer them assistance and support when I see that they need it, just so that I could feel a bit better about myself -- instead of taking responsibility for the reason and starting point of why it is that I experience jealousy towards this being in the first place - which is because they represent specific expressions in my world and reality of which I know deep down within myself that I have not given those expressions to myself -- and so actually walk a process of developing and exploring those expressions within and as myself and within that correcting my relationship with myself as well as other people and ensure that I will not direct any emotional experiences or energetic reactions within myself towards other beings  that are in fact reactions to my own relationship that I have created with myself within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become spineless within and as the experience of jealousy, by, when stepping into the experience of jealousy within myself, losing all integrity, self-respect, self-value and dignity within and as myself by experiencing and defining myself within and as an experience of blind hate, resentment, anger and spitefulness towards the person or persons that my jealousy is directed to - by never having questioned this experience of jealousy as a reaction to seeing other women and so never having seen, realized or understood that I react with jealousy when I see an expression within another being that I have suppressed within myself and so I am in fact seeing a part of my beingness represented by and within another being and within and as the experience and reaction of jealousy I am in fact suppressing this expression within myself even more by deliberately distracting my attention away from the reality of myself as the fact and the realization that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress that specific expression within and as myself and that I have thus made myself within and as myself 'inferior' to myself, by then directing all my anger as a reaction to this inferiority that I have created within myself to and towards this other person that is a representation for me of an expression of myself that I have suppressed within and as myself - and therein not seeing, realizing and understanding that I am in fact thus attacking this expression within myself as represented by this being, and thus perpetuating this vicious cycle of self-suppression

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that when I react with jealousy towards another person in my mind - I am actually attacking a part of myself as a specific expression that I am seeing projected within and represented by this person and I am within that reaction thus suppressing that expression within and as myself - and thus in fact fueling this experience and reaction of jealousy within myself even more as I continue suppressing that expression within and as myself and then projecting it outwards into and within other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from other people by using them within my mind to create an excuse for myself to distract my attention away from the fact that I have suppressed specific expressions within and of myself by having projected those expressions within other people and then reacting to them in my mind with jealousy and so creating the illusion that this expression 'them' and not 'me' because I have accepted and allowed myself to be unwilling to take responsibility for myself and to actually correct that relationship with myself by developing and nurturing and discovering those expressions of myself that other people are now showing to me within and as my world and reality --- and therein thus using the emotional reaction of jealousy coming up within myself as a tool for myself to be able to recognize and detect the specific expressions that I have suppressed within myself and so to know which expressions I must thus nurture and develop within myself and so give to myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed jealousy to exist within and as myself in my relationship with other beings as myself - as an attack towards other people as myself wherein I am creating absolute separation within and as myself as life by not honouring, respecting and valuing the life and expression of life within and as another and so within and as myself in oneness and equality as the realization and insight that another is myself and what I see within another and what I am reacting to as another is in fact myself

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand what I am actually doing to myself as a being when and as I accept and allow myself to experience jealousy and define myself within and as the experience of jealousy towards another person -- which is that I am depleting, limiting and diminishing myself as my expression and beingness within and as myself  by reacting emotionally to the expression that I see within another and by not seeing, realizing and understanding that within that reaction to another person's expression, I am actually reacting to my own expression and therein keeping my expression suppressed and keeping myself within and as an internal experience of inferiority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a resistance in relation to taking responsibility for the fact that I have suppressed my expression within and as myself and so correcting that internal relationship with myself - and then from that resistance, go into my mind and create an excuse for myself to not take that responsibility for that relationship that I have created with myself within and as myself by then projecting those expressions that I have suppressed within myself onto other beings and the react emotionally within and as jealousy to those beings -- wherein I am then separating myself even further from my own internal expression as I keep on diverting my attention away from who I actually am within and as myself by placing it within other people and my emotional reactions to 'other people' - rather than seeing, realizing and understanding that those apparent 'other people' are really just parts of myself that I have not yet accepted and embraced within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself in relation to the experience and reaction of jealousy when and as it comes up within myself by first of all reacting to the experience of jealousy and the secret spiteful backchat connected it, with wanting to suppress this experience because I have judged it within my mind as 'bad' and 'negative' and because I don't want to see or accept myself as 'bad' or 'negative' and so I will also not want to accept the mind-construct of jealousy -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the only reason why I experience resistance and why I go into a reaction of suppression in relation to the emotional experience of jealousy is because of the fact that I have separated myself from this specific mind-construct by having judged jealousy as something 'bad', and that the experience and mind-construct of jealousy in itself isn't actually really 'bad' or 'negative', as it is a part of myself within and as the mind that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, within the pattern of self-victimization that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within in relation to specific emotional experiences and thoughts that I have defined as 'negative' and 'bad' such as 'jealousy', eventually even go into an emotional experience of giving up as a result of fighting and resisting the experience of jealousy within myself from the starting point of not wanting to be honest with myself and accept the reality of myself as how I exist within and as my mind - and thus within that point of giving up essentially make a statement that I am not taking any responsibility for my own internal reality and for the fact that I am deliberately creating a friction and conflict within myself and so eventually a giving up because I am simply not willing to accept and embrace and stand one and equal with the mind-construct of jealousy within myself

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see the experience of jealousy coming up within myself as a reaction to a specific expression that I am seeing within another person, wherein I see myself going into a secret space inside of myself wherein I participate within emotional experiences of hate, spitefulness, resentment and anger towards this individual as a projection of them in my mind, accompanied by and connected to secret backchat wherein I try to look for ways to diminish them and make them inferior within my mind, to try and make myself feel powerful - I stop and breathe - and I see, realize and understand that what I am reacting to and what triggered and activated the reaction of jealousy within myself is that when I saw this specific individual with my eyes I was confronted with a specific expression that I am seeing within them that I am actually suppressing and judging within and as myself and within and as the reaction of jealousy towards this individual I am in fact deliberately diverting my attention away from this relationship of suppression and judgment that I have created within myself in relation to that specific expression within and of myself because I don't really want to take responsibility for myself and actually face my suppressions and judgments that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself

So within this I see, realize and understand that the solution for the emotional reaction and experience of jealousy towards other people - is to take responsibility for the suppressions and judgments as self-limitations that I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself in relation to specific aspects, parts and expressions of myself and to find a way to correct this relationship with myself and therein give myself those specific expressions that I experience jealousy towards, within and as the realization that the reaction of jealousy is in fact just me not being honest with myself about the fact that the expression that I am seeing within the person that I feel jealous of is in fact a part of myself and that within and as the reaction of jealousy I am in fact deliberately separating myself from that expression within and of myself

Where, I see, realize and understand that if and when I accept and allow myself to react within jealousy towards another person and a specific expression that I see within them, and I thus accept and allow myself to go into an 'attack' of that expression by participating in all sorts of hateful, spiteful and resentful backchat and experiences -- that I am therein in fact attacking myself as that expression within and as myself by not seeing, realizing and understanding that the expression that I am seeing within that individual is something that actually does exist within me, I have just never allowed myself to access it as myself and express it within and as myself -- because I have accepted and allowed this vicious cycle to exist within myself where I am constantly attacking my own expression by attacking the expression of other people by reacting within and as jealousy in my mind

And so I commit myself to find and detect and define those expressions that I have suppressed and judged within and as myself through for instance using the experience of jealousy as a tool - where, when I see the experience of jealousy coming up within myself, I step back within myself and I investigate what the expression is exactly that I am reacting to as that is the expression that I must discover, develop and explore within myself and so give to myself -- wherein thus I take responsibility for who I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become within and as myself and for the suppressions and the judgments that I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself and to interfere with and sabotage my relationship with myself and my self-value, self-worth, self-respect, self-integrity and self-acceptance

And so within this I commit myself to develop self-value, self-worth, self-respect, self-integrity and self-acceptance within and as myself in my relationship to myself - by developing those expressions  in my relationship with other people through for instance not accepting and allowing myself to go into or define myself within and as the experience and reaction of jealousy and so not accept and allow myself to participate in hateful, spiteful and resentful backchat or experiences in relation to other people - as I see, realize and understand that whatever I think and experience towards another, is what I am doing to myself within and as myself

When and as I see myself going into a reaction of self-victimization to the emotional experience and backchat of jealousy in relation to specific people in my world and reality - where I start trying to suppress and fight that experience of jealousy within myself because I believe that it is a 'bad' experience and that I shouldn't be experiencing jealousy because I don't want to be seen as or see myself as a 'bad' person - I stop and breathe, and I see, realize and understand that this experience of jealousy within myself is not 'bad' or 'negative' and that, if anything, this negatively charged energetic experience within myself of 'jealousy' is a tool that I can use to assist and support myself in my process of developing and expanding and exploring myself as a being because I realize, see and understand that when I go into an experience of jealousy towards someone then that is an indicator that there is an expression within myself that I am suppressing and not giving to myself and I am now seeing that expression within this individual and is thus an opportunity for myself to explore  how I can develop and nurture that specific expression within and as myself

And I see, realize and understand that as long as I am judging jealousy as something 'bad' and as long as I am fighting and suppressing the mind construct of jealousy within myself - I am actually making it something consequential because now -- because I am not embracing and accepting jealousy within myself, I can also not direct it or redefine it or use it within my process of self-realization --- which means that this jealousy experience will actually start to have control and power over me and I am thus essentially making it into the 'monster' that I initially feared and believed it to be

So I commit myself to correct and transform this self-victimization pattern within and as myself in relation to emotional experiences such as jealousy - by first of all not accepting or allowing myself to go into or participate within any judgment to and towards what is going on in my own mind and to rather stand within and as self-honesty in relation to my mind in simply realizing and understanding that everything in my mind is me and that if I judge anything in my mind then it's like I am making the statement that that specific part of and in my mind that I am judging is not just 'me' but is somehow another kind of definition of either being 'good' or 'bad' or 'right' or 'wrong' or 'positive' or 'negative' -- which will then spark the victimization character within and as myself because obviously I don't want to be a 'bad' person so then I will start fighting and resisting and suppressing those parts within and of myself that I have judged as being 'bad', 'wrong' and 'negative'

So I mean, within this I see, realize and understand that I am not a 'bad' person and that nothing in my mind is 'bad' or 'wrong' or 'negative' - and that in fact all of who I am within and as my mind is just 'me', is just different parts of myself that I have separated from myself over time exactly by participating in judgment towards myself and towards other humans within and as this world and reality

Where I see, realize and understand that in fact nothing and no one in this world is 'bad' or 'wrong' or 'negative' and that, just like who I am within myself and how I exist within and as myself, everything and every being in this world exist as an accumulated consequence of how we as humans have accepted and allowed ourselves to separate ourselves in the within and without of ourselves throughout time and that as long as I am judging anything that exist in this world within and without of myself, I will never be able to correct or change or find solutions for the problems that I am facing in this world and in myself

2014 How I Stabilized Myself with Being Alone - Facing The Inner Emptiness

A few weeks ago someone in my life that I had built up quite a deep and intense relationship with moved away for what is going to be quite a long time, which meant that all of a sudden, after having spent every day and almost every moment physically together for a long time, I found myself alone. Initially it looked like I was still more or less stable within myself and as though him leaving didn't have all that much of an impact on me. However after a few days I started to notice this experience of an emptiness within myself, as though there was something missing in my life.

I would still do my work and do the same things that I did when he was with me, but within myself the experience of myself had changed, where I now felt like I was less 'alive' than I was when he was there. Initially I thought that I probably just need some time to adjust to this new situation, because I was aware that I had, within my mind, physical and being experience, become quite accustomed to his physical presence in my day-to-day life and living - so I was expecting this experience of like an internal 'emptiness' and 'lostness' to eventually go away by itself as I become used to my new physical 'settings'.

After a week however, at a point I found myself sitting in front of my laptop trying to get some work done and inside of myself I felt like I was sinking deeper into this experience of 'lifelessness' where my eyes also felt like they were sinking into their sockets. My physical body was overall feeling very uncomfortable because of how stuck I felt in that emotional internal experience of 'emptiness', 'lifelessness' and 'lostness'. So, at that point I realized that I need to take action to make sure that this emotional state is directed so that it doesn't become worse and spirals out of control where it will eventually start to influence my work and my daily interactions with my physical reality.

I opened up a blank document on my laptop and I started to write about the experience, specifically looking at what the thoughts are that have been crossing my mind during those days as what may have been contributing to this specific emotional/energetic experience within myself of feeling 'empty' and 'lifeless' and 'lost'. Then, having written down the thoughts that I could identify as what had been going through my mind - I noticed a fascinating pattern. I realized that from the time that he had left, within my mind I had basically been fearing my own emotional reactions. At some point, I had accepted the idea within my mind that I should not be reacting emotionally to him leaving and that this event in my physical world and reality should not influence me emotionally. So, what I had in fact been doing this whole time was fighting, suppressing, hiding and denying my own emotional reactions.

The specific thoughts wherein I noticed this pattern playing out were thoughts wherein I found myself thinking about and projecting this image of myself as how I was and experienced myself before this person left and comparing that image/projection with how I am expressing and experiencing myself now, with an underlying thought of 'I have to be the same as then - internally and externally - I mustn't let myself become emotional about this or change in my expression and behaviour', to which I then reacted with an experience of panic and fear in relation to my own internal reality because I didn't want to see, realize or be confronted with the reality that I was in fact experiencing emotional reactions in relation to having lost his physical presence in my world.

So then, by having been reacting to my own emotional reactions, I was actually creating secondary emotional experiences within myself, like a layer of emotions and thoughts on top of a layer of emotions and thoughts - instead of simply being honest with myself, facing and dealing with the primary layer as what I am actually really in fact going through within myself. I mean, this is a pattern that I see has played out in my life many times, where I would go into a state of denial and suppression of how I am reacting within myself to a specific event in my physical world and reality, just because I have accepted specific judgments to exist within my mind about my own emotional and feeling reactions, which then ended up creating this experience within myself of feeling lost and empty. And I have found that this actually just makes the whole thing worse than if I had just been honest with myself about who I really am inside of myself - meaning, how I am really feeling and reacting within myself and so not try to pretend as if I am this stable individual who doesn't react to things. I have realized for myself that this point of being honest with myself about what is really going on within myself is the first step towards being able to change my internal reality.

After having realized this point of insight into and understanding of how I had been creating this experience of 'lifelessness' and 'emptiness' within myself, which was - as I realized - in fact a consequence of the fact that I was trying to suppress my actual emotional experiences and reactions to what had happened, I then went over into the application of self-forgiveness, as the act of releasing this 'mind-construct' that I had created within myself as the reaction of fighting, suppressing, hiding and denying my own internal emotional experiences. After having applied this written self-forgiveness, which I am sharing below, the experience of lifelessness and emptiness was gone and I felt lighter and more clear and present within myself - which was my indicator that I had found the point within myself that was creating the internal experience of lifelessness and emptiness and that the self-forgiveness was effective. What determines this effectiveness of the self-forgiveness application is whether or not I am willing to be truly honest with myself and willing to face that which is really going on within myself - meaning, willing to face that which I actually don't want to face.

What also assisted me within this process of finding that point within myself of seeing and realizing what was really going on in my mind and how I was creating an experience of emptiness and lifelessness - is that I had just listened to a Reptilians Interview from Eqafe, specifically "Mind Cycles - Reptilians - Part 321", which discussed this point of how we within our mind tend to keep ourselves in cycles of emotional experiences by reacting emotionally to those experiences and why it is that we tend to react emotionally to our own emotions. I find that whenever I listen to an interview, it tends to be quite coincidentally 'spot on' in terms of giving me perspective and support within a specific point that I am working with or looking at within myself, which then assists me to more easily move through that point.

The following are the specific Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective statements that I applied and which assisted and supported me to step out of the emotional/energetic mind-state that I was experiencing myself within:

Self-Forgiveness Statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to stay the same as the idea that I had created of myself in my mind in relation to my memories of how I expressed and behaved myself before and during X was with me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this is a specific reaction of the mind to the fact that I did actually react within myself to X having left from my physical world and environment - wherein within my mind I went into a reaction of wanting to suppress that reality of myself, by stepping into a construct in my mind wherein I want to remain 'the same' as in my memories - deliberately to suppress and hide who I really am and how I am really experiencing myself within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my internal reactions to X not being in my physical environment anymore by going into my mind within and as an emotional reaction of fear to my own emotions - and therein not want to be honest with myself about how I am actually experiencing myself inside of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own internal emotional reactions and so from that reaction of fear try to suppress the emotional experiences within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use memories in my mind to suppress myself as who I am within and as this moment out of fear of my own emotional experiences - as a preprogrammed reaction of the mind to suppress my internal emotional reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the preprogrammed construct and program within and as the mind to exist within myself of a suppression of emotional experiences within myself through using memories of who I think and believe I 'used to be', within and as the thought and idea that I must remain that way and I cannot and must not react emotionally and change internally and externally

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shield myself off from my internal emotional experiences by defining myself within and as a preprogrammed construct in my mind wherein I react to my own mind and therein sabotage myself because then I cannot see what is really going on within myself and so I am also not able to get to know myself or change myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  to sabotage myself in my process of self-change and self-honesty by reacting to my internal reality with an emotional experience of fear and suppression and in that way make it impossible for myself to see who I am inside of myself and so be able to change and be and become the self-directive principle within and as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not accept myself as who I am here within and as this moment by creating the idea in my mind that I must be and remain how and who I was in my memories - by placing memories of myself in my mind as an 'example' of who I think and believe I must be - to then use that to suppress and hide the real actual experience of myself within and as this moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider comparing myself to my own memories and to my past as this idea that I have in my mind of 'who I was' - and therein not be honest with myself about who I am here within and as this moment

Self-Corrective Statements

If and when I see that I am stepping into the thought pattern of suppressing my current internal reality and experience by comparing myself to memories and by thinking that I must be as I was in those memories - then I stop and breathe - and I see, realize and understand that I am manipulating myself within and as my mind to not be honest with myself about who I am within and as this moment of breath

And I see, realize and understand that this is a mechanism of the mind to ensure that I will never change and that I will not be able to investigate myself within and as self-honesty by imprisoning myself within a mental construct of thoughts and belief systems about having to experience and behave myself in a specific way, based on memories

Wherein I see, realize and understand that I am sabotaging myself in my process of getting to know my mind - by assuming and expecting myself to stay the same - and defining myself within and as a specific experience and expression --- wherein I see, realize and understand that within my process I must walk through the various layers within and of my consciousness and that I will have to be completely honest with myself in every moment about what I am really actually experiencing within myself - without suppressing those experiences within myself

So I commit myself to be honest with myself about what is really going on within myself so that I can assist and support myself to be and become the self-directive principle within and as myself in relation to myself within and as the mind because I realize that what goes on in the mind is who I really am as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to be and become throughout my life

And so I commit myself to walk the process of investigating who I am and correcting the patterns of the past that I have integrated and created and have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself - and to that way create and manifest myself as a self-aware and self-responsible living being wherein I can also assist and support other people to realize themselves as who they really are as self in oneness and equality with life within and as myself

2014 From Escapism to Self-Responsibility - Using Gaming as a Platform of Self Change -- Part 2

2014 From Escapism to Self-Responsibility - Using Gaming as a Platform of Self-Change -- Part 2

Changing Escapism in Real-Time

Within the following blog post I will be sharing a second step in a process that I have walked in relation to changing and transforming a tendency within myself to use entertainment within and as a pattern of 'Escapism' - where, in the first step, I had started to notice that within venturing into the realm of playing computer games, I had gone from wanting to do it only once in a while to relax and enjoy myself, to wanting to do it all the time -- indicating that my relationship with playing computer games inside of myself is of a problematic nature and that it requires to be investigated and changed. And I am sharing this process here so that it may serve as a blueprint and platform for others facing similar experiences within themselves in relation to entertainment to also change this self-sabotaging relationship within themselves and find their inner power to direct themselves in transforming their relationship to entertainment from being self-destructive and self-sabotaging to being self-supportive and self-contributory.

So on a second occasion now, after having walked the first step of real-time self-change in relation to having accepted and allowed a pattern of escapism to exist within myself in relation to participating in entertainment such as playing computergames, I found myself participating in a computergame, where it starts out 'innocent', like 'I deserve a bit of time for myself', 'I have worked enough'. And then I start playing and almost immediately I find myself in this energy of like a hastiness and impatience and stress, where like my eyes become big and I get this frown on my face and a tension in my forehead.

And then when I noticed that I was in this energy of like a 'possession', wherein I think 'no, I don't want to stop, just let me play a bit longer - I don't feel like stopping' -- I started applying self-forgiveness within myself in relation to the points that I found in the first step. Which was on placing the energy superior to my physical reality and losing track of my physical world and reality by giving more value to the energy that I am feeling in relation to the game.

I found this to be the point where, if I apply self-forgiveness from that perspective, I can actually see, while I am applying self-forgiveness and incorporating those realizations, how that positive energy that I am participating in while I am playing Banished is actually a 'lie' and an 'illusion' from the perspective that, while I feel 'energized' and 'positively charged' while  and when I am playing the game -- what is actually going on is that I am ALLOWING my attention to get swallowed up by and funnelled into an energy experience that just comes up within me of which  I actually have no real clue of where it comes from and why and how it exists within myself, which then creates an absolute resistance to and towards anything else in my life that is not that one point connected to the energy - aka playing Banished - it makes me isolate myself from my environment only to submerge myself in this onedimensional experience within myself which I now believe to be 'who I am' and 'all that I am', and so completely sabotage my relationships with the people in my world and reality.

So, that positive energy experience and feeling of excitement that makes me feel as though I am actually really doing something substantial is a lie and an illusion because in reality, all that I am doing is give away my power - the power that I have as a living being to direct physical reality. Instead, I allow a preprogrammed construct and relationship of energy within the mind to direct my physical actions and expression -- all because I have defined myself within and as the energy experience and I actually believe it to be 'who I am', rather than seeing, realizing and understanding that there are multiple dimensions and factors at play behind the scenes in relation to how and why I experience this specific energy when playing computer games - dimensions and factors that I don't see or consider if I don't slow myself down and investigate what is actually going on within and as myself.

While I was thus speaking the words of forgiveness in relation to accepting and allowing myself to give my power and self-directive potential away to this energy and placing this energy as the directive principle of myself and my life -- I actually was able to shift myself out of the experience for a moment to see clearly the absurd nature of what I was doing and what I was accepting and allowing within myself and my world and reality -- that I was trading in everything of who I am for an illusion, a preprogrammed Feeling - Wow.

Now, the fact that this experience came up within myself 'again' and that I accepted and allowed myself to sort of tumble into seemingly the same rabbit hole 'again', is a point that I would usually take as an opportunity for myself to go into self-judgment and feeling bad about myself and my process and thus an opportunity for myself to eventually even end up considering to just give up on my Process of walking out of the mind altogether.

However this time, as I was observing these thoughts creeping into my mind at that moment when I realized within myself that I am participating in energy whilst playing the game and that I have thus not yet corrected this point within myself of defining 'gaming' and 'entertainment' within and as escapism and addiction - where the thoughts went like 'I am STILL not getting it', 'I failed', 'I am a failure', etcetera - I did not allow myself to actually access the emotional experience of feeling guilty and ashamed and bad about myself that I have learned to connect to those thoughts in my mind, because I realized that mind patterns such as the pattern of escapism and the specific experiences and behavior connected to it are things that have been existent within my beingness throughout my entire life as a pattern that I continuously and constantly accessed and, if I am honest with myself, I am not really as of yet fully aware of exactly how and when and where I have created this pattern within myself or how it really functions and exist within and as my mind - so, obviously correcting and changing this pattern will take practice and patience.

So, here, I breathed and, instead of accepting and allowing myself to go into a 'low' and a 'negative' experience within myself, connected with thoughts of myself somehow being a 'failure' for apparently not being able to live up to my own expectations - I breathed, and stabilized myself within and as the realization that changing any pattern is a process of constant and continuous application and that 'slipping back' into the pattern is not a bad thing, it is actually a necessity and requirement for me to be able to reassess who I am in relation to the pattern and investigate the deeper layers of how the pattern exist within myself so that I can, with each layer that I face and walk through, more and more start to develop my directive power within myself in relation to this pattern as I more and more start to understand and see and realize how it functions within myself.

Where then, at this point I started applying self-forgiveness and from the self-forgiveness I realized what I was doing to myself by giving my directive power away to this energy in my mind connected to playing the game, and then it became easy to direct myself in physical reality to for instance stop playing the game - whereas in the past I would have allowed myself to go into the emotional low and just continued playing within and as a mind-set of 'it's too late for me, I have failed anyways - so why bother even trying to correct myself' as a point of giving up.

So the point that was an essential realization within this practical process that I have walked of changing and transforming Escapism in Real-Time, is that if there is a point existing within myself that is similar to an 'addiction', where for instance I am addicted to a specific energy that I have connected with a specific action, like gaming or other types of entertainment - then actually changing and correcting that point of addiction to the extent that I am no longer moved by this energy within myself and so no longer 'give in' to the 'experience' will take a process of constant and continuous application of the tools of self-investigation, self-forgiveness and real-time self-correction where I keep reassessing in self-honesty who I am within myself in relation to the energy and to the application of gaming and entertainment. In Self-Honesty meaning that I must not have any expectations or ideas in my mind in relation to how I must stop and change this addiction or about how this process of real-time self-change is going to unfold - I must apply patience with myself and an openness in terms of being willing to really look at and investigate each and every point that comes up within myself each time that this energetic experience of desire and excitement comes up within my mind in relation to playing a computer game or indulging in entertainment.