2014 How I Stopped an Emotional Possession

2014 How I Stopped an Emotional Possession

Stepping Out of an Emotional Possession in One Moment

The following is my 'testimonial' of how listening to an Eqafe Interview assisted and supported me to in one moment step out of an emotional experience that I was dealing with within myself. This specific emotional experience was one that had started building up within myself the day before, where I had interpreted a situation and how someone behaved in a way that triggered specific thoughts and emotional reactions within my mind.

When I then noticed that I was experiencing myself in an emotional reaction and that there were thoughts spinning around in my mind that were activating, generating and fueling this emotional reaction and experience - and that this experience was starting to interfere with my daily activities, where for instance I found myself having trouble focusing on specific tasks that required my focus and awareness because I was allowing all my focus, awareness and energy to be completely absorbed by and channeled into the thoughts going through my mind about this particular individual and the emotional reactions to those thoughts in my body -- that's where I decided to apply some spoken self-forgiveness just to get myself out of the experience.

Then after a little while, I found that I had still not been able to effectively release the emotional reactions because, when I faced the specific individual in my reality again, every time there would be thoughts and emotions coming up that had now started to transform itself into an experience of anger, where, in my physical behavior and interaction with my environment, I was starting to act out the anger within my movements, which became noticeably more forceful and brutish.

I mean, at this point I was faced with the fact that my internal emotional experiences and what I was accepting and allowing myself to participate in within my mind, was having consequential outflows that were seeping through into my actual physical reality and would eventually start compromising my relationships with the people around me. Meaning that, I realized that if I accept and allow this anger to become a physical expression that comes out, not only in relation to this one person, but in relation to other people and situations as well - then I will create reactions within those people and those reactions will create ripple effects that will influence the relationships that I had built with them in my life.

I decided to go for a walk to stabilize myself a bit, because I could sense that this emotional experience had taken me over so completely that it was like I could go into an emotional breakdown over the slightest things - small things that other people said or did could trigger thoughts and interpretations in my mind that immediately triggered and activated an emotional storm within myself that lead to me just wanting to isolate myself and cry my eyes out. So on my walk I again applied spoken Self-Forgiveness and self-corrective statements - which brought me to a point of stability within myself  where I stood within the point of taking responsibility for my emotional reactions.

But then, as quickly as I saw the specific person in my environment again - there I felt the anger creeping up again and taking me over, where I felt like my head was taken over by this really dark cloud, which was that one energy of just anger. So at this point I was kind of at my whit's end because I had been writing all morning, applying self-forgiveness, going out for a walk, applying self-forgiveness - trying all sorts of things to get myself out of this emotional state that I had been experiencing myself in for the last few days, which is already way too long, but it was like nothing of my application was sufficient to really release the energy.

I then listened to an Eqafe Interview in the Reptilians series, about how we forget to walk our process because process is not preprogrammed, so it becomes easy to at a certain point just slip back into the mind if we don't in every moment find ways to remind ourselves to actually keep applying ourselves diligently, disciplined and dedicated. And, as I was sitting there, listening to Anu speaking those words,  I could see the point that he was sharing as in fact the point that I had been accepting and allowing to exist within myself - which is that I had at some point very subtly and almost unnoticed shifted back into the mind.

Meaning that instead of in every moment ensuring that I do not accept or allow myself to be guided and directed by energy, I had been here and there giving my power away to feelings, in that I had for instance at times made the choice to do specific things or not do specific things because of the positive feeling involved, where I had slowly but surely been accepting and allowing myself to more and more trust in energy as my feelings to tell me what to do and how to move myself in physical reality than trusting in myself as my decision to walk my process out of the mind and become the self-directive principle.

So, as he was speaking and I was seeing this point very clearly for myself - the energy started to release within myself, just because of that one realization in one moment. And when the interview was done, the energy was gone, more or less completely. I was Here again, clear within myself. And when I saw the person again whom I had been so reactive towards, there were small reactions coming up, but I was able to within the moment direct the reactions and make a decision to, instead of allowing myself to fall into emotional reactions and an eventual emotional breakdown, rather remain stable within myself  and go over into expressing myself in a way that solved the situation and 'evened out' my relationship with this individual.  Where then I for instance saw and realized that because I was in an emotional reaction, I was triggering reactions within this individual as well and I was perpetuating a sort of ego-dance of continuous reactions - whereas, with me moving out of the reaction and in a way 'renouncing' my ego, I also saw him becoming more relaxed in his expression towards me -- where eventually we started communicating again as we did before, in a relaxed, comfortable and open manner. And all this basically in just one moment -- where I went from absolute emotional possession, to self-direction and self-expression.

So, the point that I would like to show and share here is how listening to the interviews on Eqafe can truly be of significant assistance within our process of walking out of the mind. I mean, throughout my process I had created this idea that I am supposed to be able to walk myself out of my mind all by myself, without any help -- which was basically this rigid idea and belief that I had formed in my mind about what it means to walk process - where I had for instance not seen or realized that there have been many instances where the support of another individual had made the difference in my process, in relation to seeing a specific point or having a specific realization that in one moment quantified my process. And so it is with the Eqafe interviews, they can be so extremely specific in relation to a point that you are dealing with that by just listening to the words being spoken, you can simultaneously as you are seeing the point of realization opening up within yourself, release the energy and stabilize yourself.

I am sharing this specific instance because the difference between before and after within myself was so noticeable and significant - however there have been many instances before this one where just by listening to an Eqafe interview, I started to feel more grounded and clear within myself - because the words and the way that the words were spoken was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment to snap me out of whatever energetic experience I was finding myself in.

2011 the point of no return

In the process of self realization, i have stated that i choose to give up my life to realize who I truly am and to stand as the truth, as oneness and equality, until eternity.
But I never actually really considered this statement in it’s entirety and what it actually implies. In a way there was always a ‘back door’ in the back of the mind that gave way to a ‘laziness’, a back door from where it was easy to slip back into habits as desires and fantasies, etc. this back door is there because I as the mind am so used to lying to myself, to stating/saying one thing and thinking/wanting/feeling another, within the belief that this is ‘ok’ because ‘I ve never had to really take anything that I say/do in this world seriously anyway’, lying is a generally accepted way of living for people.

Everybody lies for their own survival. We all take on this role/part that we play in this society. Some are ‘clergymen’ , others ‘guru’s’, teachers, ‘gods’, ‘supernatural beings’, mothers, fathers, children, partners, women, men, junior, senior, politician, pedophile, etc… it isn’t who we really are as a being that cannot just be defined like that, but it is the role that we take on and play within this world as a lie that we ‘sell’ of ourselves. So I am used to that, just taking on a rol, just like I’ve been given roles throughout my life by the people around me, so I m used to hiding my true self behind my words. I m used to stating things that I don’t really mean, that aren’t ‘serious’, that is just bullshit. I ve even been taught and motivated towards talking bullshit by my parents and grandparents, because everybody does it and you just wanna be ‘normal’. So obviously it’s completely ok to say shit that isn’t you, that doesn’t state you, who you are, that doesn’t state anything, it’s just blablabla.

Actually I m used to believing that my words aren’t who I am, my words are meaningless. So whatever I say, it’s meaningless, so I could say anything. So, when I state ‘I stand as oneness and equality, from now until eternity’, I ve never actually stood still by what I was saying, I was not aware of what that statement implies if actually practically lived out. Because I’m used to not standing one and equal to my words, to not living out the words I speak. I can say ‘I love all unconditionally’ or ‘I love you’ to my partner or my mother or friends, but on the inside I don’t even mean it, but as long as they don’t know/see that, all is fine. So I could keep hiding behind my words, keeping up/projecting a false reality towards my environment through the words I speak, the words that they hear.

I never actually realized though that the words I speak are coming out of my mouth, they are my expression, even when I think that they’re not ‘serious’ and ‘they don’t mean anything’ and when I believe that I am not affected when I tell a lie. These words I speak, whatever they are, is actually my statement of who I am in this reality of words, wherein human beings express themselves through words. And the statement of myself so far has been that of a liar, meaning someone who does not act on what she says, Someone who does not stand unwaveringly as the words that she speaks, Someone who can actually just ‘change her opinion’, someone who can be proven ‘wrong’. So if I can be proven wrong, surely my words aren’t a certainty, therefore as my words are an expression of who I am, i/my existence is not a certainty and I am uncertain of who I am and of whether I even exist.

This has been ‘fine’, because I’ve never woken up to the reality of what is going on in this world. Yet now I have woken up. And I see what is required to change this world. And now I actually have to mean what I say, I have to actually stand equal and one with the words I speak. So, when I say ‘I stand as oneness and equality as alone as life from here unto eternity’, this actually implies a practical living of those words as who I am as the words I speak. This is not just something I say like a priest quoting the bible, like just something I say when in church and around other people to give/project a certain image of myself, as what I’ve actually been doing my entire life. No, this is REAL, for the first time in my life, I am faced with the reality of my words, with the question of ‘do I stand as the words I speak or is it just a mask/lie?’ and the realization that this time, there is no back doors allowed, no ‘changing my mind’, no turning back. This is the point of no return, and it is here for all to make the final decision of who they are here in this reality. Will I stand as a lie or will I stand as the truth?


If you are ready to face yourself as the mind and write yourself to freedom, rebirthing yourself as a new being that in fact takes responsability for Life and can start acting in a way that will support the establishment of a New system for a New World, then join Desteni I Process and investigate Equal Money.

Thank you.

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desteni I process

2011 fear of dying unraveled

a thing that motivates me to be dishonest in this reality, to lie, to manipulate, to cheat, just so that i would 'get' something in this world, be it money or friends and companions or to be accepted by some group, is fear of death and dying.

the belief that 'i must stay alive at whatever costs' and this 'whatever costs' can be for instance pretty severe lying to and manipulating of other people, because apparently i 'have to' do that otherwise some 'bad' things might happen to me in the future.

i exist to ensure my future, to ensure that i will still be alive in the future because 'still being alive in the future', is what fear of dying is all about.

so why do i fear dying? i fear dying because of things that i ve heard about dying, .. and they were all negative. i ve for instance heard from someone that 'you are so screwed if you allow yourself to die' or that you can go to hell when you die. or that when you die, the body is still aware, so you will feel the maggots underground gnawing at your feet, etc. there exist a general fear of dying within reality, a fear that i ve encountered within my parents and family. when somebody dies, people get weird, they dont know what to say, they feel awkward, they behave as though something so absolutely awful and terrible has just happened that we cannot even talk about it in a normal way. and i ve noticed that, when someone dies, actually secretly we're all thinking 'thank got that it wasn't me' and 'thank god that that didn't happen to my family', which is why we have such a hard time talking about it when someone has died, because there is so much secret selfish backchat going on, that all has to do with each beings personal fear of dying and being faced and confronted with death.

so, when it comes to death, i ve learned not to talk about it, to just not mention it, because talking about death is somehow 'inappropriate' because people don't like to think about death, they don't like to be confronted with the fact that one day they will die, one day we will all die, it's a natural thing.
this only shows that clearly we are living our lives within and as the deliberate denial of death, as a natural inevitable thing that will happen to all of us sooner or later.
people want to feel good, and when you bring up death in a conversation, it makes them feel 'not so good', it makes us feel uneasy. so this means that feeling good is actually denying what is REAL, because we can only feel good when we don't talk about what is real, which is death for instance, or other things that are real and that we best not mention too much in 'feel good'-conversations are war, starving children in Africa, animal/child abuse, people that have been marginalized by the system forcing them to live on the streets and that don't have a future, etc...

i mean, this is the actual real physical reality, things that are happening in this world as we speak, and that is the only thing that we cannot really speak about. we can make 'chitchat' but talking about what is actually going on in reality, forget it.
because reality and the real situation of this world reminds us too much of death.

so, what do i fear about dying? what could be so 'bad' about dying. for some reason i seem to think and believe that dying is a 'bad' thing, as in 'i'm not allowed/supposed to die', i HAVE TO stay alive. which is actually strange, because i will die eventually.

and what does dying actually mean? dying means being alone with myself, returning to 'the source', losing everything, being in the great void... so what i am afraid of is ME, my experience when i'm dead, which is HELL. my own self created hell as the experience that exist and that could exist within myself. i mean, aside from what people have told me about dying, in the end, when i die, i will just be with me, alone, and it wont matter what anyone has told me about dying, that it is bad or that i will end up in hell or be eternally screwed or whatever. no matter how long i ve been postponing death in my lifetime, death will be a reality, so 'hell' will be a reality, when i ve died, hell or heaven, it all depends on me. death will show me who i truly am, the experience of myself 'dead', will reveal to me who i am inside, as that which has always been there, underneath the sur'face' of the physical reality, underneath all of those 'good feelings'.

it is not acceptable in any way to fear dying, to live in fear of death, because clearly, death is me, i will be with me when i ve died, only with me. so, it is unacceptable to be afraid of me. because, consider this: i will live maybe up to 90 years on this earth, within the human physical body, seemingly 'with other people', and then i will spend an ETERNITY in death, alone with me, and that's a hell of a lot longer than the time that i spent here in the physical, pretending that i am not alone, which is what every human being actually believes: that we are not alone.
no, we are apparent identities and personalities that are in constant relation to other people like family and friends. 'we' are a 'group', a society/family/friends/country/etc... if you look at people, all they do is form groups and then express themselves AS that group. for instance a religion, the people 'in' the religious group will express themselves within and as the beliefs and opinions of the group. they will not express themselves as a being that stand alone, no they have in fact 'become' the group, believing that they are not alone. but then, inevitably, death comes, and will come as a surprise and a shock for people, because it will show us that we ARE alone and we've actually always been alone.

i mean, i m not saying that groups aren't real, i m saying that it is cool to be in a group and to participate in a group of people, as beings that simply come together, but only from the perspective of standing within and as the absolute realization that in essence you are alone, this is where you came from and where you will return to in death: yourself. standing as this realization you wont easily define yourself to or 'give up your life' for a group, for 'other people', as something that is apparently 'outside of yourself', you wont easily be led into acts where you compromise yourself for the sake of 'what the group wants' because you would realise that, when you die and thus return to self, you'll have to live with the decisions that you made, so if you've compromised yourself for something that was never actually real from the perspective that it just 'vanishes' at death, then you'll be faced with your disrespect towards yourself and you'll have to find a way to forgive yourself and live with yourself alone again.

so from this perspective: death will be hell if you have in fact been dishonest towards yourself within your physical life, if you have allowed yourself to participate within the illusion that you are apparently 'not alone' and when you have, within that, 'given yourself away' to a group so you could 'belong to the group' and get support from the group because you feared death as being alone with you. this is the real hell: when you then have to face yourself before yourself when you've died (which, again, is inevitable).
i mean, in my life, my worst fear has been to be alone with myself, and i found that normal, because the beings around me like my parents and friends, my apparent reality supported this fear and they supported the idea that 'i am not really alone', they made it seem as though mommy and daddy will always be here to take care of me, to comfort me, to protect me,...
this is why it would hurt so much to lose a parent or a family member, because i ve allowed myself to actually believe that they would be with me 'forever', never realizing and accepting the reality of death... because nobody ever told me about what reality really is. my parents would just sort of brainwash me into believing that i am 'their little girl', that 'they created me' and that i am completely linked to them and dependent on them and so they are apparently a 'part of who i am', a belief system that is actually responsible for so much suffering in this world because we believe that we actually lose a part of ourselves when we lose a parent or someone that we've created a 'link'/relationship with.

it's interesting that this fear of dying is our biggest fear and the thing that we're trying to ignore and escape from the most in our world, but it is also the only real reality, it is the only thing that is a fact, a certainty, an inevitability.
it seems so crazy that i've ever feared death and that i have accepted this as my experience of life and living, because what is more absurd then to fear something that is going to happen anyways, it's just nature. just goes to show how disconnected i was from nature and reality. and if i am not (connected to) nature/reality, then what the hell am i?

this is really fucked up, people!!! it is about time that we start to understand this, that we start to actually look at where our fears come from, because for instance our biggest fear, fear of dying, is the greatest illusion/joke of all times, because why the hell should we fear death? give me one reason! fearing death is like not accepting life/existence, because this is what exist: we live, we die, and that's it. who are we to say or think that this isn't good or ok? who are we to say that death and dying is 'bad'? who are we to judge existence? because that would imply that we are 'above' life, when we are clearly not, because we are very much subjected to the rules of life which is 'you live', 'you die'.

for some reason, we ve created this idea/belief that 'life' is better than 'death', that when you are 'alive', you are 'better' or 'more' than if you were dead, which is the basis for our fear of dying. not realizing obviously that such a belief system can only exist when you are 'alive' within the physical reality, because then you have a mind, you can think and feel, you can react to what your eyes see, so you can believe in shit. but when you're dead all this would not even exist, you would not be 'less' then when you were alive, you'd just be dead. you'd probably just realize that all those things that you believed in when 'alive', weren't even real in the first place.

so, people, let's be real specific within asking ourselves where this fear of dying comes from, that makes us do the most idiotic and self-compromising things. lets research the real reality that is here under our very noses and that tells us how and what things really are and how and what life really is in spite of what our parents/family/religion/... have told us. let us dare to face life that is here as that which we've always disregarded and ignored and let us dare to question ourselves and our accepted reality as belief systems and fears.


If you are ready to face yourself as the mind and write yourself to freedom, rebirthing yourself as a new being that in fact takes responsability for Life and can start acting in a way that will support the establishment of a New system for a New World, then join Desteni I Process and investigate Equal Money.

Thank you.

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desteni I process

2011 here

ok, its been a loooong time since i posted something.
anyway lets get to it.

at this moment i see that i now believe that i will never be able to realise myself as life itself, that is just not for me. i am not worth it, i can not do it, as i can not really do anything, not really.
this is a very strong beliefsystem within myself.

i am now convinced of this because i had allowed myself to fall, about a year ago, into a relationship. i participated in all the shit you could possibly participate in when you re in a relationship with another being.
I allowed myself to get fucked up. it was a manifestation and expression of my own hate and loathing towards myself. looking back, i had to fall, it was an inevitability. and now here i am, still in the physical manifested shit that i created within and as my own allowed self dishonesty, so now i have to clean house which seems an impossible task as i am convinced that i no longer deserve self honesty and self realisation. i ve rejected life and so life has rejected me. i refused to stand up in the face of abuse because i believed the fear that i had allowed to exist within myself.

but in fact even before i fell i was designing my own fall by being affraid of falling, by not believing in myself and not trusting myself.
anyway, i cannot simply give up. i have to get up, as impossible as it seems, as much as i am convinced that i will never ever be able to simply accept myself here and that i have fucked myself up into oblivion never to find myself again here.

so, i realised this beliefsystem within myself. not only concerning my current situation but it has always existed within myself: the belief that i am capable of nothing. i can try and try and try to do it, achieve it, try to live up to expectations, ideals, images of how i believe i must be. but i will always fail and fall and then look down on myself and pity myself and feel desperate and bring myself down in my thoughts, telling myself that i always new i was going to fail, what was i thinking in the first place.

it is the same with this process, i failed, i fell and now i only reinforced the ideas and beliefsystems about myself that i have accepted and allowed to exist within myself that i am a failure and will fail in whatever i do.

i had such big ideas about myself in this process, about self realisation and self honesty and 'being who i really am', but i could not live up to them.

i am now at a point where everything around me and in me seems to dissolve or i dont even know what s going on.
i feel like i need someone to tell me that i m doing good, that i m on the right track, so i can feel good about myself, so i can feel safe, so i can feel like i m not going to hell and that nothing bad is going to happen to me.

i feel afraid of losing myself.
i feel like maybe i m at the point of actually realising myself here but then again do i deserve that, probably not.
do i want to be alone with myself? i never have and it has always been a struggle for me in this process with myself
eventually i gave in to my desire to be with another person because i never wanted to be alone with myself. but after a year and a half i ve finally had enough of my own bullshit way of living and i will face myself and my manifested consequences, whatever it takes
i imagine it will be sheer hell, i m afraid of it but ok

i m reading desteni posts again, which i havent been doing in a long time because i was afraid of the confrontation with myself. then i made up excuses and justifications to still make myself seem right. but i always new what i was doing and creating but i couldnt stop because i was too ashamed of myself and believed that i could never ever get up again, i accepted my death, my downfall, my doom, my non existence. in a way i believed that it would last forever and that i could just ignore myself, reality. i litterally lied to myself and believed myself out of convenience, as long as i could.
see in the beginning of a relationship everything is new and exiting but then it soon turns to pure shit. which it is now, it got to the point where i couldnt stand the sight of him.
i saw my worst side.
so in the beginning i allowed myself to be hypnotised by the glamour of this new found 'love', i was so dumb, it is even amazing how dumb i could allow myself to be and it was all based on fear, fear of not being worthy of existing and not being able to realise myself as life, so i thought i might aswell participate in this bullshit.

geets, kim