A few
weeks ago someone in my life that I had built up quite a deep and intense
relationship with moved away for what is going to be quite a long time, which
meant that all of a sudden, after having spent every day and almost every
moment physically together for a long time, I found myself alone. Initially it
looked like I was still more or less stable within myself and as though him
leaving didn't have all that much of an impact on me. However after a few days
I started to notice this experience of an emptiness within myself, as though
there was something missing in my life.
I would
still do my work and do the same things that I did when he was with me, but
within myself the experience of myself had changed, where I now felt like I was
less 'alive' than I was when he was there. Initially I thought that I probably
just need some time to adjust to this new situation, because I was aware that I
had, within my mind, physical and being experience, become quite accustomed to
his physical presence in my day-to-day life and living - so I was expecting
this experience of like an internal 'emptiness' and 'lostness' to eventually go
away by itself as I become used to my new physical 'settings'.
After a
week however, at a point I found myself sitting in front of my laptop trying to
get some work done and inside of myself I felt like I was sinking deeper into
this experience of 'lifelessness' where my eyes also felt like they were
sinking into their sockets. My physical body was overall feeling very
uncomfortable because of how stuck I felt in that emotional internal experience
of 'emptiness', 'lifelessness' and 'lostness'. So, at that point I realized
that I need to take action to make sure that this emotional state is directed
so that it doesn't become worse and spirals out of control where it will
eventually start to influence my work and my daily interactions with my
physical reality.
I opened
up a blank document on my laptop and I started to write about the experience,
specifically looking at what the thoughts are that have been crossing my mind
during those days as what may have been contributing to this specific
emotional/energetic experience within myself of feeling 'empty' and 'lifeless'
and 'lost'. Then, having written down the thoughts that I could identify as
what had been going through my mind - I noticed a fascinating pattern. I
realized that from the time that he had left, within my mind I had basically
been fearing my own emotional reactions. At some point, I had accepted the idea
within my mind that I should not be reacting emotionally to him leaving and
that this event in my physical world and reality should not influence me
emotionally. So, what I had in fact been doing this whole time was fighting,
suppressing, hiding and denying my own emotional reactions.
The
specific thoughts wherein I noticed this pattern playing out were thoughts
wherein I found myself thinking about and projecting this image of myself as
how I was and experienced myself before this person left and comparing that
image/projection with how I am expressing and experiencing myself now, with an
underlying thought of 'I have to be the same as then - internally and
externally - I mustn't let myself become emotional about this or change in my expression and behaviour', to which I then
reacted with an experience of panic and fear in relation to my own internal
reality because I didn't want to see, realize or be confronted with the reality
that I was in fact experiencing emotional reactions in relation to having lost
his physical presence in my world.
So then,
by having been reacting to my own emotional reactions, I was actually creating
secondary emotional experiences within myself, like a layer of emotions and
thoughts on top of a layer of emotions and thoughts - instead of simply being
honest with myself, facing and dealing with the primary layer as what I am
actually really in fact going through within myself. I mean, this is a pattern
that I see has played out in my life many times, where I would go into a state
of denial and suppression of how I am reacting within myself to a specific
event in my physical world and reality, just because I have accepted specific
judgments to exist within my mind about my own emotional and feeling reactions,
which then ended up creating this experience within myself of feeling lost and
empty. And I have found that this actually just makes the whole thing worse
than if I had just been honest with myself about who I really am inside of
myself - meaning, how I am really feeling and reacting within myself and so not
try to pretend as if I am this stable individual who doesn't react to things. I
have realized for myself that this point of being honest with myself about what
is really going on within myself is the first step towards being able to change
my internal reality.
After
having realized this point of insight into and understanding of how I had been
creating this experience of 'lifelessness' and 'emptiness' within myself, which
was - as I realized - in fact a consequence of the fact that I was trying to
suppress my actual emotional experiences and reactions to what had happened, I
then went over into the application of self-forgiveness, as the act of
releasing this 'mind-construct' that I had created within myself as the
reaction of fighting, suppressing, hiding and denying my own internal emotional
experiences. After having applied this written self-forgiveness, which I am
sharing below, the experience of lifelessness and emptiness was gone and I felt
lighter and more clear and present within myself - which was my indicator that
I had found the point within myself that was creating the internal experience
of lifelessness and emptiness and that the self-forgiveness was effective. What
determines this effectiveness of the self-forgiveness application is whether or
not I am willing to be truly honest with myself and willing to face that which
is really going on within myself - meaning, willing to face that which I
actually don't want to face.
What
also assisted me within this process of finding that point within myself of
seeing and realizing what was really going on in my mind and how I was creating
an experience of emptiness and lifelessness - is that I had just listened to a
Reptilians Interview from Eqafe, specifically "Mind
Cycles - Reptilians - Part 321", which
discussed this point of how we within our mind tend to keep ourselves in cycles
of emotional experiences by reacting emotionally to those experiences and why
it is that we tend to react emotionally to our own emotions. I find that
whenever I listen to an interview, it tends to be quite coincidentally 'spot
on' in terms of giving me perspective and support within a specific point that
I am working with or looking at within myself, which then assists me to more
easily move through that point.
The
following are the specific Self-Forgiveness and Self-Corrective statements that
I applied and which assisted and supported me to step out of the
emotional/energetic mind-state that I was experiencing myself within:
Self-Forgiveness Statements
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to want to stay the same as the idea that I had created of myself in my
mind in relation to my memories of how I expressed and behaved myself before
and during X was with me
I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed
myself to see, realize and understand that this is a specific reaction of the
mind to the fact that I did actually react within myself to X having left from
my physical world and environment - wherein within my mind I went into a
reaction of wanting to suppress that reality of myself, by stepping into a
construct in my mind wherein I want to remain 'the same' as in my memories -
deliberately to suppress and hide who I really am and how I am really experiencing
myself within and as myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to suppress my internal reactions to X not being in my physical
environment anymore by going into my mind within and as an emotional reaction
of fear to my own emotions - and therein not want to be honest with myself
about how I am actually experiencing myself inside of myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to fear my own internal emotional reactions and so from that reaction of
fear try to suppress the emotional experiences within myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to use memories in my mind to suppress myself as who I am within and as
this moment out of fear of my own emotional experiences - as a preprogrammed
reaction of the mind to suppress my internal emotional reactions
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the
preprogrammed construct and program within and as the mind to exist within
myself of a suppression of emotional experiences within myself through using
memories of who I think and believe I 'used to be', within and as the thought
and idea that I must remain that way and I cannot and must not react
emotionally and change internally and externally
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to shield myself off from my internal emotional experiences by defining
myself within and as a preprogrammed construct in my mind wherein I react to my
own mind and therein sabotage myself because then I cannot see what is really
going on within myself and so I am also not able to get to know myself or
change myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to sabotage myself in my process
of self-change and self-honesty by reacting to my internal reality with an
emotional experience of fear and suppression and in that way make it impossible
for myself to see who I am inside of myself and so be able to change and be and
become the self-directive principle within and as myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to not accept myself as who I am here within and as this moment by
creating the idea in my mind that I must be and remain how and who I was in my
memories - by placing memories of myself in my mind as an 'example' of who I
think and believe I must be - to then use that to suppress and hide the real
actual experience of myself within and as this moment of breath
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to even consider comparing myself to my own memories and to my past as
this idea that I have in my mind of 'who I was' - and therein not be honest
with myself about who I am here within and as this moment
Self-Corrective Statements
If and when I see that I am stepping into the thought
pattern of suppressing my current internal reality and experience by comparing
myself to memories and by thinking that I must be as I was in those memories -
then I stop and breathe - and I see, realize and understand that I am
manipulating myself within and as my mind to not be honest with myself about
who I am within and as this moment of breath
And I see, realize and understand that this is a
mechanism of the mind to ensure that I will never change and that I will not be
able to investigate myself within and as self-honesty by imprisoning myself
within a mental construct of thoughts and belief systems about having to
experience and behave myself in a specific way, based on memories
Wherein I see, realize and understand that I am
sabotaging myself in my process of getting to know my mind - by assuming and
expecting myself to stay the same - and defining myself within and as a
specific experience and expression --- wherein I see, realize and understand
that within my process I must walk through the various layers within and of my
consciousness and that I will have to be completely honest with myself in every
moment about what I am really actually experiencing within myself - without
suppressing those experiences within myself
So I commit myself to be honest with myself about
what is really going on within myself so that I can assist and support myself
to be and become the self-directive principle within and as myself in relation
to myself within and as the mind because I realize that what goes on in the
mind is who I really am as who and what I have accepted and allowed myself to
be and become throughout my life
And so I commit myself to walk the process of
investigating who I am and correcting the patterns of the past that I have
integrated and created and have accepted and allowed to exist within and as
myself - and to that way create and manifest myself as a self-aware and
self-responsible living being wherein I can also assist and support other
people to realize themselves as who they really are as self in oneness and
equality with life within and as myself
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