2015 Why do I Always Feel Left Out? - Part 3

Why do I Always Feel Left Out? - Part 3

Changing Feeling Left Out in Real-Time

This  is a continuation of my journey of changing an emotional experience of feeling left out in real time. After having walked the initial step 1 and 2 I am now again investigating and having a look at how I experience the emotion of feeling left out now in my daily living within my participation with the people around me, compared to when I first started walking this process.

A first thing that I have realized is that I don't so often access the experience of feeling left out anymore and when I do, it is not nearly as intensely as I used to when I started my process of changing the experience of feeling left out.

Within this blog I will be sharing how I have walked and applied a Third Step within facing and changing an emotional reaction of feeling left out. In the event within this third step as I mentioned the experience of feeling left out was not as emotionally overwhelming anymore as it used to be. In fact this time, I could within the moment that the thoughts and emotions activated within myself, already take a step back and look at what was busy happening within my own mind - whereas before, I would go into an absolute emotional overwhelmingness to the point that I often went to isolate myself somewhere to cry my eyes out. This time, I actually within myself remained relatively stable as I observed this mind-program of feeling left out activate within my mind, which also made it a lot easier to then direct the emotional reactions that I would still ever so slightly go into.

So a few days ago the experience came up when I was together with a group of people and there was one girl who went to stand close to another girl to give her a hug. It wasn't like a real 'hug', she was more just with the one side of her body wrapping her arm around the other girl and leaning in to her, while placing her head on the girl's shoulders. Which within my mind I defined as an expression of two beings who are absolutely comfortable with each other, where their embrace is something that is casual and 'natural' and 'flowing'. For instance, the one girl didn't specifically say 'I need a hug' or ask for a hug from the other girl, she just went to stand next to her and in a very natural way, as if the other girl knew and expected that she was going to do that, and embraced her in a casual, nonchalant sisterly fashion.

In that quantum moment, I created a comparison in my mind and a thought went through my mind that 'I don't have that' and 'I can't experience that' and 'I never experience hugs like that'. I mean, there were in fact lots of thoughts going through my mind seemingly all at the same time. Because, what I was simultaneously also thinking, together with 'I don't experience that' and 'nobody ever hugs me like that', was 'nobody feels that comfortable around me', and 'if I tried to do that, then people would not accept it and they would resist me' --- with a general red line running through these thoughts being 'I am so alone'.

The 'I am so alone' point being basically my conclusion from all those previous thoughts that in a quantum moment ran through my mind as I was observing these two women expressing that intimacy with each other. And what is actually fascinating when I have a look at those thoughts of 'nobody ever does that with me' and 'if I tried that, people would resist me and push me away' and 'I never get to experience that intimacy' - and I look for actual examples of those statements, as in real-time events wherein people actually physically pushed me away or rejected me when I approached them,  by looking through my memories, then I cannot actually find any examples and so I cannot find any actual evidence to back up those statements in my mind.

I mean all that I can see and find, is a pattern of this emotional experience of feeling alone that I have been experiencing within myself all throughout my life. I have always only felt alone and within that experience of 'being alone', I 'felt like' other people would reject me or resist me or push me away if I were to approach them. But, I never actually did approach people, so I never actually found out whether or not there was any validity to those statements and beliefs in my mind. And, I also cannot find a real event that happened in my life that may have been an activating point for believing that people will reject me -- meaning an event that happened where I actually was rejected by people and where people did actually resist me, for instance within being bullied or something like that. There was just this seemingly isolated experience inside of myself of being disconnected from the people around me and of being 'alone' within and as myself. And, simultaneously with the feeling of 'being so alone' within myself, I experienced a yearning for connection and intimacy with the people that I saw around me - with my family, with my friends, and with everybody else in this world.

So it looks like this is a sort of 'personality system' that I have accepted to exist within myself as the 'who I am' in my mind, which is basically a structure of specific thoughts, backchat and emotional experiences that I go into in relation to specific situations - which is where it will in a way 'show itself' and 'come out' - and which essentially constantly exists within myself as a 'foundation' of my entire moment-to-moment existence, experience and expression of myself. It's just some specific situations and moments that 'draw it out' to the forefront where I will actually become highly emotional within myself and in those moments is where I fuel and regenerate the personality system within myself so it can continue existing as a constant foundational experience within and as myself.

And this is quite an interesting point to realize for me in relation to how the mind works, in that the thoughts and emotional experiences that I define myself within don't necessarily have a 'purpose' to them and aren't necessarily based on any valid 'reasoning'. As with this personality system of believing and experiencing myself to be 'alone' within myself in relation to people for instance, wherein I cannot find the source point of why and how it is that those thoughts and experiences exist within myself. They just kind of do, because of the simple fact that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with them.

I used to always have this tendency within myself, whenever I discovered a specific personality construct within myself such as this general experience of feeling left out in relation to people, to want to find a 'source' point within my memories. I wanted to find the specific event that occurred in my life that triggered it so that I could 'make sense' of what is happening within myself and so that I could in a way find a 'reasoning' behind why I feel the way I feel and experience myself the way I do. However what I have come to realize about the mind is that it doesn't really have any other purpose to it but to generate energy through thoughts, feelings and emotions, which means that it doesn't need to have a 'logical explanation' behind what it brings up for us to generate the energy it needs - as long as there exist the belief and appearance of a 'reason' behind and 'logic' to how we experience ourselves within and as our mind, enough for us to accept it as ourselves.

So from that perspective it is entirely possible that these seemingly random personality systems exist within ourselves without any particular 'reason', as in memories to back it up - but that the system only exist within and as ourselves because we never questioned it and because we blindly accepted it into our beingness to become a part of who we are.

So to get back to my practical application In that moment where I saw that I reacted emotionally to the image that I was seeing of the one girl hugging the other and the 'intimacy' and 'comfortableness' that I was seeing within that image and in the relationship between these two people - I started applying self-forgiveness in silence within myself. The following is an excerpt of those self-forgiveness statements which I spoke in that moment and which assisted and supported me within stabilizing myself and releasing the emotional experience of feeling left out that I was facing within myself in that moment. And then the next step will be to take on the 'I am so alone' personality system  that I have discovered as the driving force behind the emotional experience and reaction of feeling left out.

 Self-Forgiveness Statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with feeling left out to seeing X hugging Y

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X and Y and from the image that I am seeing with my eyes by reacting to it with emotions instead of remaining stable within myself and not allow what I see with my eyes to move and influence who I am within myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the desire within myself to experience what I am seeing with my eyes because I have assigned a positive value in my mind with the image of two people hugging each other connected with the word friendship

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am feeling left out as a negative emotional experience within myself in reaction to what I am seeing with my eyes because I have accepted and allowed a desire to exist within myself of being part of and belonging with and experiencing friendship and intimate relationships with other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X and Y for 'leaving me out' and 'not including me' and so blame them for the emotional experience of feeling left out within myself as how I am reacting to seeing them hugging each other - instead of taking responsibility for the desire within myself to be included and accepted and embraced by other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire experiencing belonging with and being accepted and embraced by other people within and as intimate relationships - and that I have therein created a point of 'lack' within myself as the opposite polarity of feeling left out and alone and rejected

And so I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for myself as the creator of the experience of feeling rejected and left out and alone in relation to specific images that I see in my world and reality of for instance two people hugging - by having accepted and allowed myself to blame X and Y for why it is that I am reacting within myself with feeling left out and alone to seeing them hugging --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that X and Y don't in any way have anything to do with how I react emotionally within myself as my emotional reactions are my own creation due to my accepted and allowed participation in energy within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately separate myself from the world and reality that I see with my eyes by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the desire to be included and accepted and embraced by others -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that no matter if I am being physically touched or embraced by others and no matter how others behave and express themselves in relation to me - in physical reality I am already existing within and as inclusion and acceptance as I am here in this world and reality as a part of this physical world and reality wherein all that exist is made up of the same matter and substance and we are all one and equal within and as ourselves

And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from inclusion and acceptance by defining inclusion and acceptance within and as an image of people hugging and touching each other and standing and talking close together -- and that I have therein accepted and allowed myself to create the idea and belief that If I do not have that sort of contact and relationship with people, then I cannot experience inclusion and acceptance --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have essentially created the belief and experience that who I am within and as myself is not already included and accepted and that I must thus long for and desire for inclusion and acceptance, thus creating an experience of lack within myself

I see, realize and understand that I am busy blaming X and Y for me feeling left out and alone within myself while I have created that experience by myself by having participated within positive energy experiences as a desire to 'have' specific  relationships with other people because I have separated myself from acceptance and intimacy by projecting it within specific images and ideas in my mind - and that within that blame I am in fact further separating myself from my own creation and victimising myself to my own emotional reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself inferior to what I am seeing with my eyes by connecting a positive value to the image that I am seeing of two women hugging, by defining that image within and as friendship and by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a desire to experience the positive energy value that I have connected in my mind with the word friendship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to what I am seeing with my eyes by reacting to what I see with thoughts, feelings an emotions - instead of being stable within and as myself within and as the realization and understanding that what I am seeing with my eyes in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my value away to an image that I see with my eyes and an idea of friendship that I have connected with a positive energy value within my mind --- instead of standing within and as self-value in every moment

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the separation that I have accepted and allowed myself to create between what I am seeing with my eyes and who I am within myself by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a desire to experience friendship and to belong --- wherein I have in fact created an experience of lack within myself

Self-Corrective Statements

I see, realize and understand that I am creating this experience of feeling left out and disconnected and separated from what I see with my eyes by myself by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a desire for friendship as specific images in my mind - rather than standing one and equal with my reality that is here and the beings around me in every moment of breath

I see, realize and understand that I am blaming X and Y for my own reactions that I have created within myself  by participating within points of desire and I see, realize and understand that within and as the point of blame I am projecting my responsibility towards my participation in my mind outward

And so I commit myself to take responsibility for myself  and for my creation as the experience of feeling left out by not accepting and allowing myself to participate within desires of being accepted because I see, realize and understand that that is how I am creating the experience of feeling left out within myself

So I stand as the point of responsibility in relation to feeling left out and I commit myself to embrace myself first  and to create a relationship of intimacy and connection with myself first before I go and blame others for not accepting or embracing me

2014 From Jealousy to Self-Expression -- Part 2

From Jealousy to Self-Expression -- Part 2

 Changing the Emotional Reaction of Jealousy in Real-Time

How I Faced and Stopped the Jealousy Demon within Myself - See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/09/2014-from-jealousy-to-self-expression.html#sthash.IGTxqhLj.dpufHow i

How I Faced and Stopped the Jealousy Demon within Myself - See more at: http://processoflife.blogspot.com/2014/09/2014-from-jealousy-to-self-expression.html#sthash.IGTxqhLj.dpuf

In the previous blog "2014 From Jealousy to Self-Expression", I opened up and investigated the emotional experience and reaction of jealousy, as I came to the realization that jealousy is an experience that I do often entertain in my mind, but at the same time it is an experience that I had been hiding from myself, because of how I have judged Jealousy as being something 'bad' and 'negative' and because I never wanted to face such 'negative'/'bad' sides of myself. Obviously though, I did have to come to terms with the fact that as long as I am judging things that exist within myself, and based on that judgment, go and hide those things from myself - then essentially I will be living a lie and so I will be accepting a limited version of myself, because in order to change, expand and develop myself as a being, I have to face all of myself, not only the parts that I have defined as 'good' and 'positive'.

If anything, since having started this process of investigating and changing the emotional experience of jealousy, I have been very grateful to myself for having applied the self-honesty required to be able to see how my own mind works and so be able to pick up on and become aware of when it is that I step into the experience of jealousy and actually stop myself from getting carried away by it and so change myself in those real-time moments.

After  having written the first blog within this process of Changing the emotional experience of Jealousy, and so within that blog having established a platform for myself of first of all understanding how and why it is that I will sometimes react with jealousy when I see another woman - there was a real-time event that opened up in my reality where I had to 'prove' my understanding and awareness of how jealousy works and my commitment to change Jealousy within and as myself to myself in one moment. These real-time moments is where I essentially make the decision of 'who I will be' and 'who I am', because when and as the experience of for instance jealousy comes up within myself and I am becoming aware of it coming up within myself, I have two choices that I can make -- I can either let myself be 'swept away' by the experience, as per how I have conditioned myself each time the experience came up within me in the past, and so accept and allow myself to 'become jealous' - or I can apply my awareness of Jealousy being a mind-construct and in that moment apply the Tools to be able to release the mind-construct and so make the decision that I will not allow the mind to define who I am and how I will experience myself in that moment.

So, the moment went as follows. I was out with a few friends and sitting next to me in the car was X. X had just met up with her boyfriend and she was still busy sending messages to him on her phone. As I was looking at her being preoccupied by her phone and smiling and giggling at the conversation that she was having with him on the phone, I specifically noticed how her expression showed that she was enjoying herself and also earlier that evening when I was seeing her interacting with her him, she looked like she was enjoying spending time with him. So in that moment in the car, there was a thought that came up within myself of 'I don't have that', wherein I basically created the idea in my mind that I don't have or experience that enjoyment that I am seeing within her in my own life, to which I within myself reacted with an experience of feeling inferior and feeling like my life is 'worth less' than her life - and so essentially I was then feeling jealous of what I saw within her and what I believed she has and I don't, because I wanted what she apparently has.

Eventually I started feeling this experience of anger coming up within myself in relation to her - where, she was doing small movements, like, flashing the light on her phone around or not hearing someone when they asked her a question, and that triggered anger within myself - specifically in relation to a backchat in my mind that 'she is too preoccupied by her feelings in relation to her boyfriend and the conversation that she is having with him to notice or care about what is going on around her'. So here, I saw and realized that there is something going on inside of myself that needs direction - because here I am getting angry and upset over literally the smallest, insignificant things  and I am channelling my anger towards this other person - which implies that there is something inside of myself that I am actually being angry about - something that I am not directing inside of myself.

So then I started applying self forgiveness - first on the anger that I was experiencing towards X and then on the jealousy that I had been experiencing, which was in fact where the anger was actually coming from.

And as I furthered in my self-forgiveness I saw and realized that what I had actually been doing was that, when I was looking at her and how she was expressing herself in relation to her partner and her relationship, I had been deliberately creating the idea in my mind that her life is so much better than my life --- which, if I actually had a self honest look at my own life, is not the case at all. I mean I am in a stable relationship, I have a partner that I am satisfied with. But somehow I had been looking at her and how she was living and expressing herself as if there is something special about it and as if her life is this movie screen that is resonating light - and in comparison my own life looked rather bleak.

So what I realized was that, with being honest with myself, actually the reason why I had been doing that in my mind is that I was deliberately distracting my attention away from my own life because the reality is that I will much rather preoccupy myself with reacting emotionally to other people, with for instance feeling jealous about how I am seeing someone else live their life, than take responsibility for my own life and actually direct my own life and take my life into my own hands to give to myself what it is that I actually want in my own relationship for instance. I mean, the truth is that I don't really 'feel like' paying attention to myself and my life and putting in the effort to give myself the things that I need and want - so within my thoughts, feelings and emotional experiences,  I will create the illusion in my mind that other people's lives are much more interesting and just better and superior, so that I can then react with emotional experiences of for instance jealousy and inferiority and thus take my attention away from myself and my life and so give myself an excuse to not have to actually take responsibility for myself and for creating and developing and building the life that I want for myself.

So here what I realized when looking at this experience of jealousy, and specifically looking at what I am actually doing when accessing that experience of jealousy - is that I am deliberately creating a PERCEPTION in my mind that another's life is more/better/superior than my life, just so that I could emotionally react to that perception and so that, within and as that emotional reaction, I can in a way 'forget' about and look away from my own life, specifically by focusing my attention onto how another person is living their life.

And this because, what this reaction and experience of jealousy in relation to and towards another person's life is actually hiding, is a fear of failing in relation to my own life. I fear taking specific steps and I fear taking direction and making specific decisions and moving myself within my own life because I fear failing and failure and I fear the future- which is why I would then rather try to distract myself from looking at myself within and as own life, through using thoughts of judgments, ideas, perceptions and comparison and emotional reactions and experiences of jealousy - so that I could in a way abdicate my responsibility and avoid taking responsibility for my life and thus avoid facing my fears of failure and of the future.

So I was applying self-forgiveness until I no longer experienced the anger, resentment or jealousy towards this other person and until I was stable within myself -- which I established through realizing and facing this point of what I was actually doing within myself - which was deliberately shifting my attention away from myself and my own life onto thoughts and perceptions about someone else's life so that I could avoid, 'run away from' and suppress the fears that I experience within myself in relation to my life.

At this point I realized that it is simply unacceptable for me to not just be honest with myself and to so deliberately try to abdicate my responsibility for myself and my life. And, in the face of this truth of myself, it would be unacceptable for me to turn my back on reality to continue participating in the illusion of Jealousy - illusion, from the perspective that the emotional experience of jealousy turned out to have nothing to do with this other person's life being apparently 'better', 'more' or 'superior' than my life, as it was just me looking for an excuse to not have to deal with my own fears. And so this was the point, where I understood that further allowing myself to participate in jealousy would be unacceptable -from the perspective that I would damage my integrity and decency as a being - that I was able to stabilize myself and release the emotional energy of jealousy and the anger and resentment that I had been generating with it.

In the next blog in this series from Jealousy to Self-expression, I will be having a look at the point of 'self-enjoyment' as the expression in the event in my first blog and in this event that seems to be the activating point for my reaction of jealousy - which thus implies that that is the specific expression that I am not giving to myself and so is at the starting point of why I would react with jealousy when I am seeing other women expressing self-enjoyment.

The following is a slightly elaborated version of the self-forgiveness that I applied in that moment and that assisted me in releasing the emotional reaction of jealousy:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel angry at X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as this reaction of anger to and towards X without investigating or understanding where this anger is coming from and how I have generated this anger within myself

I forgive myself  that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am reacting to X with anger because I am actually feeling powerless and inferior and fearful within myself in relation to X and what I am seeing when I am observing her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at X's life and her expression and react with a thought in my mind that her life is so much more and so much better than my life

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then react to the thought that X's life and her expression is so much more and better than my life and expression with an emotional experience of inferiority, fear and powerlessness, because of now having defined myself in my mind as 'less than' X and so believing myself to be of inferior value, and therein then triggering a fear within myself of being less valuable than others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my life to be less valuable and inferior to X's life

And I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project that belief onto X when I am looking at her and observing her expression and then separate myself from that belief in my mind by reacting to my projection of that belief onto X with an emotional experience of fear of being less than others, and so within and as that experience of fear  create the experience that I am in fact inferior and less than X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a fear of being less than others to exist within myself

And I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I create what I accept and allow to exist within myself - and that thus if I define myself within and as a fear of being less than others, than I in fact create the experience that I am less than others within myself because that is what exists within and as myself

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see that I am feeling angry towards X because I am reacting to my own self-accepted belief that my life and expression is less valuable than hers

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that within being angry with X and observing her expression and her life within and as a reaction within myself - I am actually distracting myself from my own life and giving my value away to X's life and so therein creating the experience within myself that I am less than X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself and actually take my own life in my hands because it is just easier to distract myself with looking at how others lead their lives and preoccupy myself in my mind within emotional reactions - wherein I can then give away my responsibility and my power in relation to my own life and so not have to face my own fears in relation to the future and in relation to failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at X's life and react emotionally to what I am seeing so as to distract myself from my own fears - and create a point of blame, wherein I am blaming X for the emotional experience of inferiority within myself -- so that I wouldn't have to take responsibility for the fact that this experience of inferiority is in fact my fears in relation to the future and in relation to failing in my own life

So I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for my own life by victimizing myself in relation to my own internal fears - through looking at and observing person X's life and giving my power away to emotional reactions to thoughts and ideas and projections in my mind in relation to how person X's life compares to my life --- instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that I am actually experiencing resistance and fear in relation to my own fears that I have not yet dealt with, and that me looking at person X's life and creating ideas, perceptions and beliefs about who they are and how they live their life and then reacting emotionally to that, is in fact me deliberately distracting myself from my own fears and so me not taking responsibility for myself within and as my own life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately create the idea and perception in my mind that X's life is better than my life and that who she is and how she lives and expresses herself is better than who I am and how I express myself - so that I can have a point within my mind to give my power away to, by then reacting emotionally to those ideas in my mind, and so that I would not be faced with my life and my responsibility to manifest and direct my life in relation to what is best for myself and so create myself according to who it is that I want to be and what it is that I want to live

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself and see, realize and understand that I am actually afraid of creating my own life and taking my life in my own hands because I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a fear of failing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a fear of failing within and as my mind

And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the fear of failing to direct me in relation to my life and myself - by accepting and allowing my awareness and attention to be guided and directed away from in every moment seeing and directing my own life, towards looking at and observing how other people live their lives and express themselves -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that as long as I do not fact my fear of failing and as long as I do not walk through the fear and actually take my life into my own hands, within and as the realization that my life is in fact in my own hands --- then I am actually manifesting 'failure' within and as my life, as I am not actually in every moment directing myself towards making my life a success

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as an emotional reaction and experience within myself of anger towards and directed to X in relation to her expression - where, I believe that I am feeling angry because of how she is behaving, because 'she isn't paying attention to the people around her, as she is too busy fiddling with her phone' --- instead of being honest with myself and with what is really going on in my mind as to the real actual origin and starting point of this reaction of anger, and see, realize and understand that within this experience of anger, I am diminishing X within my mind, because within and as the emotional reaction of jealousy I was placing X on a pedestal and making her superior within my mind

So, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider participating within this emotional experience of anger towards X instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the anger is a consequence of not having dealt with and released the emotional reaction and experience of jealousy, wherein I had accepted and allowed myself to give away my power to the thoughts in my mind that X is better than me and her life is better than mine - and where now with getting angry I am attempting to get that power back by diminishing X within and as thoughts and backchat in relation to her expression

So I forgive myself that I haven't been honest with myself in relation to how I gave my power within my mind by reacting emotionally to thoughts in my mind wherein I was placing X on a pedestal by believing that she and her life is better than me and my life - and that I have accepted and allowed myself to go and react with an experience of anger, and actually take it out and blame it on X, within and as the belief and thought in my mind  that I am reacting with anger because of who X is and how she is behaving - instead of being honest with myself and taking responsibility for this experience of anger within myself within and as the realization, insight and understanding that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the experience and backchat of anger, by giving my power away within and as the experience and backchat of jealousy

Self-Corrective Statements

When and as I see the experience of jealousy coming up within myself towards X or any other person that I am looking at and observing in my environment, connected with internal backchat that 'they are so much better than me in their expression and in the way that they live their life' - then I stop and I breathe - and I see, realize, understand and make myself aware of how I am, within my 'looking at' and 'observing' this person and their expression, I am in fact busy creating ideas and perceptions and interpretations in my own mind which means that I am deliberately creating a platform to react emotionally

I see, realize and understand that, within applying and participating within this 'looking at' and 'observing' this other person or other people and creating ideas, perceptions and beliefs in my mind about 'who they are', I am giving away my 'energy' and 'attention' and so I am creating the experience within myself that I am 'less' than this person that I am looking at and observing --- and so basically within that I am creating the emotional reaction of jealousy, wherein I 'want what they have' and I want to be what they are and live what I perceive and believe they are living, as I have created the perception and experience that their life and their expression is 'better', 'more' and 'superior' to mine

I see, realize and understand that thus I am experiencing the emotional experience of jealousy not because the people that I am watching, looking at and observing are really truly 'more' or 'better' or 'superior' to myself - but actually because I want to react emotionally to what I am seeing with my eyes, just so that I could divert my attention away from  the fears that I am dealing within within myself in relation to my own life and my reality

So, within this, I see, realize and understand that I am entirely responsible for having created the emotional experience within myself of jealousy - as I see, realize and understand that it is not about another person being or having 'more' than myself, it is in fact about me deliberately giving my power away through creating ideas and perceptions and beliefs about the people that I see with my eyes because I don't want to look at myself and my own life and I don't want to take responsibility for developing and building and nurturing my own life and expression, as I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my own fear of failure in relation my the future and in relation to how I direct and live my life

So here, I commit myself to, instead of creating distractions in my mind within and as thoughts and emotional reactions in relation to other people that I see around me in my environment just so that I wouldn't have to face and experience my internal fears in relation to myself and my life - be courageous and honest with myself and bring my attention and awareness back to myself, every time that I catch myself experiencing jealousy in relation to people that I am observing and looking at in my outside world, by immediately realizing, seeing and understanding that this experience of jealousy, wherein I am channelling and projecting all of my focus and all of myself outward into this image/picture of another person that I am seeing with my eyes, is based on a fear inside of myself that I am trying to run away from

So, I commit myself to face my personal fears of failure and fear of the future in relation to my own life - and to stand up within and as myself as the self-directive principle of myself and my world and reality -- because I see, realize and understand that the fear of failure and fear of the future in fact only comes up within myself if and when I accept and allow myself to give my power away and if and when I do not in every moment of breath stand as the directive principle of and as myself

Thus, I do not accept and allow myself to give my power away to this polarity experience of jealousy, as the experience of 'wanting what others have', and fear of failing in my life -- but to rather remain stable within and as my breath and my moment-to-moment existing within and as the physical body, wherein I stand and exist within and as control and power

And within this, when and as I see an experience of anger coming up within myself, wherein I am in my mind having backchat in relation to X or any other person in relation to specific expressions that I see within them, like 'X not paying attention to her environment cause she is fiddling with her phone' - then I stop and breathe, and I see, realize and understand that I am in that moment deliberately diminishing this person's expression within my mind, because somewhere within myself I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away within and as specific thoughts and backchat wherein I had in fact diminished and inferiorized myself, and so this experience of anger is in fact me within my mind trying to take back that power

Herein I see, realize and understand that the only real way wherein I can get my power back, is not by trying to diminish others in my mind and give myself a specific energetic experience of 'superiority', 'power' and 'control', but by in the first place taking responsibility for the specific thoughts, backchats and emotional reactions and experiences in my mind that I am accepting and allowing myself to participate in and give my power away to, wherein I am for instance placing other people on a pedestal and defining them as superior to myself through the perceptions, ideas and beliefs that I create in my mind when I am looking at and observing them

Thus, I commit myself to not accept or allow myself to give my power away to the mind-construct of jealousy as the 'looking at' and observing another person and reacting with thoughts and backchat about her expression wherein I create the illusion that her expression is in some way 'more' than my expression - to create and develop an awareness within myself in relation to when I step into this 'looking at' and 'observing', to always make sure that I do not channel my awareness and focus into what my eyes are seeing, but that I always remain Here, within and as my own physical body and the awareness of my breathing

2013 Changing a Fear Reaction towards a Person in Real-Time - Part 2

This is a Continuation of "2013 Changing a Fear Reaction towards a Person in Real-Time -- Part 1", where I wrote down the first step within the process that I am currently walking, as a new approach that I am testing in making the process of walking Self-Forgiveness and Self-correction as practical and effective as possible.

In the first step of my new approach to stopping a fear reaction to a person in real-time, I peeled off the first layer of separation, as all the thoughts, backchat and energetic experiences and reactions that I could identify within myself towards and connected to this specific individual - through firstly writing it out for myself on my computer so as to pinpoint what is actually coming up within myself that is creating the energetic experience and reaction of fear within myself when I see her, and then secondly taking those points of insight and incorporating them into a physical real-time application of self-forgiveness in moments when I see her and I see the energetic reactions coming up within myself.

And so, in my previous blog, I ended with how I noticed that, after this application, upon introspecting myself again in the context of my experience around this specific individual - there was still something there, as an 'experience' when I am in her presence,  which is the second layer of separation that requires further investigative writing.

What I then did, in this Second Step of Changing my Reaction and Experience towards this One Person, is again write out in a document on my computer what this reaction/experience consists of. And to more practically be able to do this - I had a look at what thoughts and energy came up within myself After I had been with or around her, because, in the moment that I am with/around her itself, I am so completely enveloped by the energetic reaction that I cannot see it clearly - and when I am sitting in front of my computer, the event and the experience has already past so it becomes difficult to recall what was happening in that moment. Whereas, when I check what is going on in my mind immediately after I have been in the specific reactions/experiences, I can more clearly see what I had been participating in.

For instance, what I found for myself was:

• the thoughts are:

Does she like me?

What does she think about me?

I hope I made a good impression

I hope she likes me

What if she doesn’t like me

I have to make sure that she likes me

Maybe she doesn’t like me

• The energy/feeling/emotion:

Uncomfortability

Fear

Uncertainty

Instability

Doubt

Petrifaction

• The physical experience:

Constriction in stomach and chest

Shortness of breath/holding my breath

After I had this written down - I proceeded with writing out the self-forgiveness and self-commitment statements. 

Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am in X’s presence, react with the thought that ‘she has to like me’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am in X’s presence, react with the thought that she has to be my friend

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my relationship to and interaction with X within and as the polarity of like and dislike – and to therein experience myself within an energetic experience of desire for a relationship, within and as the thought that ‘she likes me’ and fear of being rejected, within and as the thought that ‘she doesn’t like me’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am in X’s presence, think ‘what if she doesn’t like me’, connected with the emotional experience of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the thought ‘what if X doesn’t like me’, connected with the emotional experience of fear – instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the desire for X to like me is a preprogrammed thought/belief that I have accepted and allowed to be programmed within myself as what I have copied from my parents, as the belief/idea that ‘relationships’ are about ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ as an energetic polarity-game that is played between and among humans – wherein, I have accepted and allowed ‘relationships’ to exist within and as myself and within and as this world and reality, as an energetic experience as a feeding ground for the mind, rather than as a physical expression of Hereness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘relationships’ between humans within and as an energetic polarity of fear and desire, connected with the words ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ – by having allowed myself to define ‘relationships’ between humans within and as personal Survival, wherein I want other humans to ‘like’ me, as a way of creating the idea, belief and perception within my mind that I have a ‘network’ of ‘support’ within and as my ‘friends’ and ‘family’, as all the beings that ‘like me’, who will ‘help me’ to survive in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my relationship towards X within and as personal survival, by reacting to her, when I am in her presence, with the backchat that ‘I need X to be my friend so that I can survive in this environment/group’, connected with the emotional experience of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the self interest that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself as the desire for personal survival, behind the emotional experience of fear when I am around X – instead of being honest with myself about what is really happening in my mind, which is that i want to use X for my survival through creating and establishing a relationship based on 'Like' with her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when I am in X’s presence and when I see X, react with the backchat in my mind that ‘I need to make friends with X so that I can feel safe and supported’, connected with the emotional experience of fear – and to therein use X in the name of my personal survival in this reality --- instead of standing one and equal with X, and seeing X as myself – within and as the realization that I have allowed myself to create and manifest a reality of ‘survival’, by having allowed myself to separate myself from the beings around me, within and as a fear of survival, rather than caring for all the beings around me in oneness and equality with myself, based on the principle of doing onto another as I want to be done unto

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X, by reacting to her when I see her, and when I am in her presence, with the thought in my mind of what would happen to me if X doesn’t like me, and if I don’t have any friends, and if she were to reject me – within and as and connected to a fear of survival that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within --- instead of standing stable within and as the moment here, in oneness and equality with X --- and therein seeing and recognizing her as myself, and so communicate and interact with X as how I would like to be communicated and interacted with – and so therein, allowing myself to get to know X as who she really is as a being in oneness and equality with myself and so get to know who I am within and as X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as X, by having accepted and allowed a fear of survival to exist within and as myself in separation of myself – and by, when and as I see X, reacting within the fear of survival, connected with a thought of what would happen to me if X doesn’t like me, as an image of ‘blackness’/’darkness’, that I within my mind interpret as ‘death’ --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this image of ‘death’ within my mind, connected with the thought/backchat that ‘I will die if X doesn’t like me’, is a preprogrammed emotional experience and image/thought within my mind, wherein I have allowed myself to separate myself from myself as what exist here, as other humans, as X

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the thought that ‘if X doesn’t like me, I will die’, connected with the image in my mind of ‘darkness’ that comes up as a thought, when I see X and when I am in her presence, by having allowed myself to connect the emotional experience of fear with the thought/image of ‘darkness’, and the backchat that ‘if X doesn’t like me, I will die’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a polarity to exist within myself of ‘life’ and ‘death’, by having allowed myself to connect the word ‘death’, with the image of ‘darkeness’ within my mind, and connected with the emotional experience of fear – and to therein have allowed myself to connect the word ‘life’, with the image of other people and connected with the energetic experience of desire --- and that I have therein accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself as life, by having allowed myself to define ‘life’ within and as an image and an energetic experience, rather than seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘life’ as who I really am is all that exist here, which is undefinable, and not limited to a definition, an experience and/or a polarity – and that, the polarity of ‘life’ and ‘death’, connected with the energetic experiences of desire and fear as feelings and emotions, is a preprogrammed system-design that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself as a system of separation, wherein I have allowed myself to separate myself from who I really am as ‘life’ as all that exist here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word ‘survival’, by reacting with the thought that ‘I need a relationship/friendship with X in order to survive in this world’, when I see X and when I  am in her presence – and by reacting to this thought/backchat with the emotional experience of fear

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the desire for X to ‘like’ me, is entirely based on self-interest, as a fear of survival that I have accepted an dallowed myself to define myself within, and that thus my expression towards X, wherein I try to be ‘likeable’ and I try to get her to like me and enjoy my presence, is a lie, wherein I am manipulating X through presenting ‘false information’ within and as a false representation of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that, by defining relationships within and as a polarity of like and dislike, based on fear of survival, I have allowed myself to define relationships with other humans within and as Manipulation and deception – as I will change and compromise myself within my expression to manipulate other people in their feelings, thoughts and emotions, to try and get them to like me – wherein thus, I will completely misrepresent myself in order to ‘create/establish relationships’

Where, I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how these relationships with other humans that I believe I need for my survival in this world and reality, cannot in fact be trusted – as these relationships are entirely based on and defined within lies, deception and manipulation as what I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself as the starting point of the relationship-creation

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I have manifested and created the experience of fear, unsafety and insecurity within myself in relation to other people in my world and reality – by having allowed deception, manipulation and lies to exist within myself as the starting point of my relationships with other humans, wherein I have allowed a world and reality of deception and lies to exist without any real care, equal and one with what I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I create and manifest my perception and experience of my world and reality as what I see with my human physical eyes – through and within what I allow to exist within and as myself in relation to what exist, and thus what I accordingly accept and allow to exist within and as all that exist here as me – and that thus, the anxiety, fear and insecurity that I experience when I am around X and people, based on the fear of being disliked and rejected and so a fear of not being supported and thus not surviving, is because I have allowed a polarity of like and dislike to exist within myself as the starting point of my relation to other people, where I will push people away and reject people when I don’t like them, based on an energetic emotional experience, and only support and care for those that I ‘like’ within and as an energetic feeling experience --- where thus, this apparent ‘care’ and ‘support’ for others within myself cannot in fact be trusted as it is not based on principle and stability and unconditionality within myself, but on  an energetic reaction within and as the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed en energetic polarity of like and dislike within and as emotional and feeling responses to exist within myself in relation to other humans – where, I will only ‘care’ for and ‘support’ those that I experience a positive feeling reaction towards within myself, and I will reject those that I experience a negative emotional reaction towards – instead of standing as a point of stability, reliability, unconditional support and consistency within and as myself in relation to all beings in my world and reality, and to within that, stand as a living example of what I would like for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed within and as the belief and idea that I need and require to have a specific group of ‘friends’ as specific people that I ‘like’ and that ‘like’ me, as my specific group of support in this world and reality – while ‘disliking’ everyone else that does not belong to ‘my group of friends’

And, I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how, within this, I have accepted and allowed a polarity to exist within and as myself of positive feelings, connected with the idea/thought that I am ‘with my friends’ and negative emotional experiences, connected with ‘the world outside that is not part of my group of friends’ – wherein thus, I have allowed myself to in fact create and manifest the belief and thought within myself that I need and require to have my group of friends to support me in this world and reality, and to protect me from all the ‘other people’ in this world that I have connected a negative emotional experience with --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have created and manifested the desire for friendship as the desire for support in this world, because I have allowed myself to define every other human being in this world as ‘my enemies’, within and as the emotional experience of Fear that I have allowed myself to define myself within, where thus, I am in fact wanting and desiring ‘protection’ from myself as what/who I have allowed myself to be and become within and as myself as a self-interested and untrustworthy individual who makes decisions that affect other beings, based on emotions and feelings as ‘like’ and ‘dislike’, rather than on the principle of what is best for all

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself  to see, realize and understand that when I behave and express myself towards other beings from the starting point of wanting them to like me, where I step into the pleaser character and try to give them a positive feeling – wherein I am supporting their ego, I am not in fact standing as a point of support for who they really are within and as themselves as equal and one with myself, as I am actually in fact manipulating and deceiving them to get what I want from them, which is their support, within and as them ‘liking’ me --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding, that any point of perceived ‘support’ that exist within and as an energetic experience of feelings and emotions, is not actual trustworthy support --- and that, within this, I am manifesting the consequence of the experience within myself of constant uncertainty, insecurity and fear that they will for some reason suddenly ‘not like me anymore’ and so fear of thus losing my ‘support’

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that ‘support’ cannot be in fact real when It exist as an energetic experience within my mind, connected to a thought, when it can suddenly ‘stop’ or ‘disappear’ or ‘shift’ or ‘change’ – and that thus, by placing my trust in how humans feel or think about me, whether or not they ‘like’ me, I am in fact giving my real self-support away by not trusting that which is unconditionally, consistently, constantly HERE as the physical reality, the physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to create a relationship based on ‘like’ with X  and to therein try to find out what she likes and what she is like, so that I can express myself and be like her, so that she would like me --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how I am within this, creating and building a relationship with her based on lies, manipulation and deception and that I am within that, creating the experience of insecurity, fear and uncertainty within myself when I am around her, because subconsciously, I know that I cannot trust this relationship based on ‘like’ as it exist within and as deception, manipulation and lies

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that ‘friendship-relationships’ where I experience a ‘connection’ with another human being, and believe and think that they care for/about me and support me – is in fact based on lies, deception and manipulation that I use to get people to ‘like’ me and feel attracted/interested to/in me – where thus, the ‘support’, ‘care’ and ‘connection’ that I experience with them is in fact only a thought/idea and experience in the mind  that isn’t actually real as it is not based on who I really am  within and as myself, but on an idea/picture/image that I present of myself  within and as extensive self-comprimization

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I see X, react with thoughts in my mind that ‘she has to like me’, connected with the emotional experience of tension, anxiety and fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X by, when and as I see her, react within and as the emotional experience of tension, anxiety and fear, connected with the thought of ‘what if she doesn’t like me’ and ‘she has to like me’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, when and as I see X, to react within myself with memories of relationships with girls from my past and how I would always experience and define the relationship within and as a polarity of fear that they won’t like me and desire for them to like me, connected with the polarity experience of fear, anxiety and tension and excitement, connection, friendship and companionship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the memories of how I experienced myself in relation to my ‘friends’ as other girls in the past, within and as the energetic polarity of fear and excitement, connected with backchat of ‘they have to like me’ and ‘what if they dislike me’ – and to therein express myself within and as the polarity of fear that X will dislike me and desire for X liking me, where I compromise myself within and as my expression by trying to deliberately act in ways to play into X’s feeling reactions towards me, and to therein limit myself within and as myself and my expression, by interacting with X based on preprogrammed patterns of experience and behavior that I have copied from my parents, rather than standing stable within and as myself and get to know and discover who I am, through getting to know X as who she is, by not allowing myself to be directed and influenced by preprogrammed inner experiences of fear and desire and backchat within how I approach her and interact with her, wherein I will always only see and experience what I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as my mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed preprogrammed experiences with regards to ‘relationships’ with other women that I have copied from my mother, to direct, determine and influence me within and as my interaction and relationship with X – instead of standing stable within and as breath within and as myself and get to know who I am within and as my interaction and relationship with other women and see, realize and understand that thoughts, feelings and emotions that come up within myself when I am around other women, is always a pattern of behavior and experience that I have copied from my parents when I was a child and that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself by having allowed myself to become a complete copy of my parents

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed energy as emotional and feeling reactions to thoughts and backchat to determine and define who I am in relation to other women, like X – as a preprogrammed pattern that I have allowed myself to copy from previous generations through following the example of my parents --- rather than standing as the self-directive principle within and as myself and giving myself a chance to get to know who I am within and as myself as life --- and so get to know, discover and explore who I am within and as my relationship with other humans, by standing stable within and as breath within and as the moment HERE, and through investigating the thoughts and feeling/emotional experiences that come up within myself and so for myself actually directly see what is real and what is preprogrammed patterns of knowledge and information and experiences

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to investigate the thought/backchat in my mind that ‘people have to like me’ and the belief/thought that ‘I need friends’ and ‘people have to want to be my friend’  - and so therein define myself within and as the emotional experience of fear, connected with the thought/backchat that ‘people don’t like me’ and the experience of excitement/desire, connected with the thought that ‘people like me’ --- and so never having accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand  that I don’t actually need people to like me, as ‘like’ and ‘dislike’ is based on a preprogrammed system of survival within and as the mind, wherein I am seeing and experiencing reality from a very limited perspective, only seeing what I want to see, within and as the polarity of ‘people like me’ or ‘people don’t like me’, and where I am not seeing reality as what it actually is by not placing myself in the shoes of other beings and in that, seeing who they are within their life and so see the totality of their being and where they stand within and as themselves, rather than only seeing a tiny piece/part of them within and as the thought of ‘they like me’ or ‘they don’t like me’, wherein I am completely consumed by self-interest, placing myself as the centre of the world/universe and believing that  all that matters in reality is how people think and feel about ‘ME’ --- instead of actually caring about all of Life that is here, one and equal with myself, and within that, seeing, realizing and understanding that, when I allow myself to value how people think and feel about me, within and as the desire for them to like me and the fear that they would dislike me, I am in fact allowing and justifying self-interest within beings, rather than standing as a point of common sense, self-honesty and self-responsibility, according to and within the principle of what is best for all – and to therein thus express myself from the starting point and within a Principle, and not an energetic experience based in self interest, within and as the realization and understanding that expression based on principle can be trusted as it is consistent, constant and stable in every moment, serving all as life unconditionally equal and one, whereas, expression based on experience as thoughts and energy, cannot be trusted as it is constantly fluctuating according to the whims of thoughts and energy that only serves self-interest

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am justifying self-interest by defining myself within and as the energetic polarity of the desire for people to like me and the fear that people won’t like me – as I am, within and as this polarity honoring, respecting and supporting thoughts and feelings within human beings as well as myself within my attempt to make them ‘like’ me and to avoid them ‘disliking’ me – rather than honoring, respecting and supporting life in oneness and equality through standing as a living example of what is best for all and so expressing myself in interaction, communication and relation to other humans based on a principle of applying common sense in investigating all things and aligning all things to establishing a world and reality, and relationships that are best for all life on earth --- wherein, rather than compromising myself and adapting myself to what people ‘like’ within and as their thoughts, backchat and feelings, I stand stable within and as myself and apply common sense in not allowing self-interest in another as myself

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for life on earth within and as my environment as what exists here – by defining myself within and as an energetic polarity within my mind as the desire for people to like me and a fear that they won’t like me, wherein I accept and allow self-interest as separation within other human beings and so within this world and reality, and so accept and allow the manifestation of consequence here within and as life on earth --- by not standing within and as principle, in taking responsibility for all life that is here, in ensuring that the expression of humanity is aligned with what is best for all life and is thus not consequential --- so as to prevent harm from being done unto life as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not like myself within and as defining myself within the desire for other people to like me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand how I am in fact rejecting myself within trying to get other people to accept and like me – wherein thus, I am manifesting the experience within myself of ‘being rejected’ and so, am creating the desire within myself of being accepted/liked by other humans --- instead of liking and accepting myself first and foremost within and as the realization that I am responsible for my experience within and as myself  and I am the starting point of my experience of and within myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that, when and if I allow myself to define myself within and as the thought of ‘X has to like me’ coming up when I see her – that I am in fact actually saying that ‘I don’t like myself’ because I am willing to compromise, suppress and change my expression and who I am within and as myself so that another person would feel positive about me – and within that, abdicate who I am within and as myself entirely and so make the statement that I have no respect, regard or care for life within and as myself  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have no respect, regard or care for life within and as myself, by accepting and allowing myself to desire being liked by X, and by therein being prepared to compromise, suppress and change myself within and as my expression in this reality and within myself completely in order to please her

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate all self-respect and regard and care for myself by defining myself within and as the thought that ‘X has to like me’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X by believing that I need X to exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X by defining myself within and as the thought that I need X’s friendship to exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X by defining her within and as a positive energy charge and by defining myself within and as a negative energy charge – and therein believing that I need X to ‘be better’ than myself --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that X is one and equal with myself as life within and as myself and that I do not in fact need X’s friendship to exist because I exist HERE, and because the friendship that I desire from X, in fact actually exist as an image, an idea within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the image in my mind of ‘friendship’, where I see people together, by connecting that image with the experience of desire --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding how I have allowed myself to create an idea within my mind around ‘people who are together’ as an image that I see with my eyes, where I believe and interpret that ‘togetherness’ within and as an energetic feeling/experience – and therein experience myself within and as an energetic polarity within myself in relation to the image that I am seeing with my eyes of people --- rather than seeing, realizing and understanding  that other people that I see with my eyes are one and equal with myself, and that thus, people that are together, are not ‘better’ or ‘superior’ to myself, because the experience of superiority is something that I have created within and as my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the idea that I have created around ‘togetherness’ and ‘friendship’ within my mind, by connecting the image of ‘being together with X’ , with an energetic experience of superiority and excitement and positivity – and by therein defining myself within and as the experience of desire, connected to the image of ‘togetherness’ and the energetic experience of positivity and excitement – instead of taking responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself as ideas, interpretations and perceptions of what I see with my eyes, based on knowledge and information and experiences that I have copied from my parents and previous generations and seeing, realizing and understanding that ‘friendship’ within and as the energetic experience that I have defined the word ‘friendship’ in my mind, doesn’t actually exist, as it is a concept and idea that I have created in my mind within and as an energetic polarity --- wherein I had separated myself from what I see with my eyes as myself and had created the illusion and perception that what I am seeing within and as ‘other people’ is bigger/more than myself, rather than realizing myself as one and equal with what I see as others as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within an energetic polarity relationship to X as the image of X that I see with my eyes – by defining her as ‘superior’ and ‘more’ within my mind, by having allowed myself to define X, within and as an image in my mind where I see X with other girls connected with the backchat that ‘everybody loves her’ and ‘she has no trouble making friends’ and ‘she is accepted by other people’ --- instead of seeing X as who she really is, as a life form that is one and equal with myself HERE, and therein accepting myself as who I really am as life

I forgive myself that have accepted and allowed the idea and belief that ‘people have to like me’ to exist within myself in separation of myself by defining the idea that people have to me within and as the experience of fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what would happen if people didn’t like me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear pushing people away and people pushing me away through my behavior – and therein fear ‘losing’ people, and fear the experience of regret within myself that I have pushed people away and have therein pushed away my chance at friendship and all the positive experiences of connection, togetherness, warmth, comfort, joy and happiness that I have allowed myself to connect with the idea of ‘friendship’ --- and to therefore always continually suppress myself within and as my expression and always try to present and behave and express myself as ‘the good person’ and ‘a likeable person’ and ‘a kind/nice/friendly/social/likeable person’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create and manifest an energetic polarity within myself around ‘social behavior’ and ‘being social’ --- by on one side try to be social and likeable so that people would like me and so try to ‘pull’ people to myself --- and on the other side experience resistance towards ‘social behavior’ and ‘being around people’ and ‘being nice and friendly and polite and sociable’ --- wherein I have allowed myself to create consequences for myself within my world – by then deliberately pushing people away by going into the negative polarity of resistance and pushing and rejecting and giving up, where I in my backchat go ‘I don’t need you people’, ‘im better off alone’, ‘I m done trying’, ‘I m just not a social person’, ‘I like it better to be alone’, ‘I m just not good with people’, as all the justifications that I create within my backchat/thoughts to justify me pushing people away as a reaction to the experience within myself of desire to be with them and ‘have them’ and be close to them --- instead of realizing who I am within and as myself, one and equal with other people, and therein realize ‘relationships’ with other people, as a self-expression rather than a possession and possessiveness within and as an energetic polarity of fear and desire, of pushing and pulling

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘who I am’ within and as myself within and as an energetic polarity experience of excitement and depression in relation and reaction to other people – where, on one side my backchat goes ‘they have to like me’, ‘I need them to like me’ and on the other hand, my backchat goes ‘I don’t care’, ‘I don’t need anyone’, ‘I ll just be alone’ --- wherein I have trapped myself within and as a polarity of ‘being together with people’ and ‘being alone’, rather than seeing, realizing and understanding that I am in fact always alone within and as myself, whether I am physically around other people or not

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘being alone’ within and as the thought of ‘not being around other people’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘alone’ within and as the fear of not being around other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘being around other people’ within and as the experience of desire – by defining ‘being around other people’ within and as a positive experience of happiness and joy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the backchat that ‘I must have a relationship with people and I must be around people so that I can experience this happiness and joy’, connected with the experience of desire

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the experience of joy and happiness that I see projected within the thought of ‘being around/with other people’ by having allowed myself to define myself within and as the experience of Desire with regards to being around and with other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire ‘possessing’ people within and as the desire to be with them and ‘have them’ as my friends – instead of realizing myself as one and equal with human beings and seeing them as myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the desire to be around and with people and to be close to people behind the fear that they will see this desire within me and then reject me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the desire to be close to people and be around and with people and ‘have’ and ‘possess’ people as my ‘friends’ and ‘partner’ behind a deliberate picture presentation of myself as a ‘nice, kind, sociable, friendly and shy person’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be honest with myself about who and what I have allowed myself to become within myself as the desire for relationships with people as a possession that I have accepted and allowed to exist within and as myself – by having allowed myself to define ‘who I am’ within and as the thought and picture presentation of myself as a ‘nice, loveable, sociable, friendly person’ --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that this picture presentation is an utter lie as the reality of myself is that all that I am as what I have become is the desire for relationships as what I have allowed myself to hide within myself

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to realize myself as HERE, AS this reality, where I am never alone as I am always in all ways HERE, with all that exist here—where, there exist no such thing as ‘rejection’, and ‘rejection’ is an idea in the mind that isn’t in fact real, and neither is ‘acceptance’ – in terms of that Acceptance is always HERE, as the physical reality and existence of myself on earth, where I am always ‘together’ with all beings that exist here --- where, the idea of togetherness that I have  created within my mind, connected with an image of people who are laughing and touching each other, and talking and ‘having fun’, and a positive energetic experience/value, is not in fact real, as ‘togetherness’ is not in fact defined by energetic experiences or ideas in the mind, but rather by the fact that the very physical existence that is HERE, is the manifestation of ‘togetherness’, where all physical manifestations that exist are Together HERE on planet earth --- where, this togetherness is not positive nor negative, it is a Living Fact, as How it simply is and what/how things simply are

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect an energetic experience of excitement and arousal and anxiety with ‘being physically together with other people’, by having allowed myself to assign a positive value to the word and idea/concept of ‘being together with other people’, within and as how I have allowed and accepted myself to define the word ‘togetherness’ within and as a physical proximity and touch with the humans that I see with my eyes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘togetherness’ within and as the word ‘belonging’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘belonging’ within and as a positive energetic value

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘belonging’ within and as a polarity of ‘acceptance’ and ‘rejection’ based on thoughts and energy within the mind --- wherein I believe that I ‘belong’ with specific Groups of people if and when they accept me within their judgments thoughts and feelings in their mind, and that I ‘do not belong’ with them if and when they do not accept me within their inner thoughts and feelings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the desire to ‘belong’ with people, as an energetic experience connected with a thought in my mind – and that I have therein allowed myself to define ‘belonging’ within and as an energetic experience that only exist in the mind and is thus not real

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and recognize the word ‘belonging’ within and as its actual real physical meaning, in line with its existence within and as this physical reality – where the word ‘belonging’ simply indicate  how a specific physical manifestation in this physical existence is part of a specific group of physical manifestations – where, this ‘belonging’ doesn’t in any way imply an energetic experience as a feeling, it is simply a physical observation of physical facts

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a polarity to exist within myself within and as my mind, of ‘belonging’ and ‘being rejected’ – as a preprogrammed interpretation of reality from the minds perspective, that only exist with the purpose of generating energy – by/through connecting the words ‘being rejected’ with a negative value and the  Negative energetic experience of Fear, and connecting the word ‘belonging’ with a positive value and the positive energetic experience of excitement

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed within and as the mind to look at and interpret and experience reality that I see with my eyes, within and as an energetic polarity of ‘belonging’ and ‘being rejected’, in relation to other humans – and to thus therein define myself within and as the energetic polarity of fear of being rejected and desire to Belong --- instead of seeing and realizing that this polarity of being rejected and belonging as a negative and positive experience, doesn’t actually exist and is in fact a consequence of how the human has allowed human society as ‘life on earth’ to exist within and as survival – where ‘belonging’ is assigned a positive value as ‘belonging’ is defined within the word ‘survival’, and the idea that ‘one has better chances at survival when in group’ – where thus the words ‘being rejected’ is associated with the experience of fear of not surviving --- and where thus, I am not existing within and as oneness and equality with the physical reality, which is that I am HERE, thus I ‘belong’ with and as all that exist as all of existence, because I exist HERE – where thus, ‘being rejected’ or ‘rejection’, within and as the physical reality, simply refers to the physical act of returning something or sending something back  - as in ‘Return-Ejection’, where one Eject something/someone from ones person/group/environment and Return it from where it came – where thus, the word ‘rejection’ in itself is not Negatively charged – it has only become negatively charged within my mind because I have allowed myself to associate ‘being rejected’ with a personal desire for survival and so with an emotional experience of Fear

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that if and when I allow myself to define myself within an energetic experience of fear in relation to the word ‘rejection’ and ‘being rejected’, based on a personal fear of survival, connected with the thought that ‘if people reject me I will not be able to survive on my own in this world’ – then I am accepting and allowing the current world-system to exist as a system of Survival, a system of Fear, where every being exists in fear of being rejected by other humans, which in turn creates manipulation and deception within humans and human relationships where humans try to ensure and protect their Position in ‘the group’ so as to ensure their personal survival in this world and reality

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the fact that if and when I allow a fear of being rejected to exist within myself, as a fear that I will be pushed out of the group of humanity and Life and that I will not be able to survive on my own – that, within that, I am accepting and allowing and creating a world and reality where this ‘rejection’ that I fear actually exist --- as, within and as the fear within myself, I am in fact stating that ‘yes, this exist here in this reality’, and thus I am accepting and allowing it to exist by reacting to it --- rather than standing within the principle of oneness and equality as what is best for all – and stand as a living statement that I do not allow a system/existence to exist where beings are cast out and rejected from the group and left out to starve and die without any form of support, within and as the principle of doing unto another as what I would want to be done unto --- where, I stand as a point of absolute, unconditional and total support for all physical manifestations in this world and existence, to ensure that all life as me is cared for and supported and thus able to survive in this physical world and reality

                                                                                                                                                 

Self-Commitment

When and as I see X and I see the experience of excitement come up within myself, connected with the thought that 'X has to like me' - i stop and breathe, and i see, realize and understand that if i allow myself to follow this thought and the energy, that i would compromize my expression in that moment by trying to manipulate X into liking me, and that i would therein accept and allow my relationship with X to exist within and as lies and deception - and thus  in fact create the fear of being rejected within myself, as i have based my relationship with X on me rejecting myself and the idea/belief that X would reject me if i wouldn't submit to manipulation to 'pull' her in to liking me

where thus, i commit myself to take responsibility for what i am creating within myself, my world and my reality - through the energetic desires that i allow to exist within myself - where i realize that, by desiring X to like me, i am in fact creating the experience and fear of rejection within myself --- as the desire to be liked is based on a fear to not be liked and an assumption that X doesn't actually like me for/as who i really am and that thus i have to change myself to manipulate her into liking me

where thus i commit myself to, within taking self-responsibility, interact with X from the starting point of me accepting myself as who i am, and the realization that if and when i believe and think that X will reject me or has rejected me, that this is an indicator that i have allowed a desire to exist within myself for X to like and accept me - as a desire to experience a specific Positive Feeling that i have connected with the thought that people 'like me' - where thus, the interpretations of X's behavior or expression that 'she doesn't like me' would be a reflection of the polarity that i have allowed to exist within myself  -- where, within the very desire for her to like me, i am in fact saying that She doesn't actually like me, which i am then seeing projected within her expression towards me, which is thus only myself as who i have allowed myself to be and become within and as myself

so, when and as I see the experience of fear and insecurity come up within myself connected with the thought 'what if X doesn't like me', when i am around or when i see X - i stop and breathe - and i see, realize and understand that the experience of insecurity and fear in relation to X  is what i use in my mind to hide the self-interest behind that i am actually participating in in relation to her --- where, i see, realize and understand that the only reason that i feel insecure and fearful and tense when i am around her is because there are things of and within myself that i am attempting to hide from her, such as a desire to manipulate her so that she would like me and so that i can experience a positive feeling within my mind that i have connected with the thought that 'people like me'

and so, i commit myself to practice and walk the process of mastering and developing integrity and self-honesty within my expression when i am around X - where i stand within and as the principle  of what relationships between humans should be, which is a point of mutual support and assistance, a point of honoring and respecting each other within and as who we are - and thus not a power play of manipulation and deception in the context of personal survival, that only furthers a fear of rejection and a distrust towards all humans

i commit myself to stand as a trustworthy human being through not allowing myself to hide personal backchat and desires towards others behind fear - but rather be honest about the self-interest that i have allowed to exist within myself, and find ways to stop the dishonesty that i have allowed within myself in my relationship to other beings, and thus within this world 

When and as i see the thought that 'she will reject me' connected with the experience of panic and petrification come up within myself when i am with X - i stop and i breathe - and i see, realize and understand that this is a preprogrammed experience that i have programmed within myself through defining myself within memories where i believed/thought that people had rejected me and i experienced myself negatively, that i have not allowed myself to take responsibility for and so have never seen, realized or understood that this experience is a part of myself that i have separated myself from through reacting to it with fear and thus fearing the experience of fear

where thus, i commit myself to, rather than run from the preprogrammed experience of fear that comes up within myself when i am with X, stand stable and breathe and apply self forgiveness in the moment when i see that i am not stabilizing myself effectively through breathing -- and therein stand as the living statement that i will not allow rejection to exist within myself as an emotional experience of separation based on 'dislike', because i realize that within that i would be accepting and allowing rejection based on emotional reactions of 'dislike' to exist within all of life as me that exist here on earth and thus accepting and allowing a world and reality to exist where there exist no real unconditional support within human relationships towards each other and other life forms and relationships end up existing within and as humans abusing each other for personal survival --- which, i will not accept within myself as all life here

i commit myself to stand as a point of unconditional support by not allowing fear and/or desire to exist within myself towards and in relation to X and so not allowing myself to separate myself from X - and allow myself to get to know X as who she is as a part of myself as life Here - and thus allow myself to explore what unconditional support in oneness and equality really implies



So, this was the second step of changing a fear reaction towards person X, where i have uncovered a second layer of separation as thoughts, feelings and emotions within myself.  After this process, I again tested my application by investigating myself within and as how i experience myself in relation to person X, when I am in her physical presence. Where, I noticed that there was a definitive change in the point of wanting her to like me, and I found i was much more comfortable in my expression when i was with her.

However i could still detect some movement within myself towards her - which is the next layer of separation that i will be walking and sharing in my next blog.


To be Continued...




For more Context and specificity in walking the Steps of practically Changing a Fear Reaction towards A Person in Real-Time - Watch my Vlog "2013 Changing A Fear Reaction towards A Person in Real-Time - Part 2"