2015 Why do I Always Feel Left Out? - Part 3

Why do I Always Feel Left Out? - Part 3

Changing Feeling Left Out in Real-Time

This  is a continuation of my journey of changing an emotional experience of feeling left out in real time. After having walked the initial step 1 and 2 I am now again investigating and having a look at how I experience the emotion of feeling left out now in my daily living within my participation with the people around me, compared to when I first started walking this process.

A first thing that I have realized is that I don't so often access the experience of feeling left out anymore and when I do, it is not nearly as intensely as I used to when I started my process of changing the experience of feeling left out.

Within this blog I will be sharing how I have walked and applied a Third Step within facing and changing an emotional reaction of feeling left out. In the event within this third step as I mentioned the experience of feeling left out was not as emotionally overwhelming anymore as it used to be. In fact this time, I could within the moment that the thoughts and emotions activated within myself, already take a step back and look at what was busy happening within my own mind - whereas before, I would go into an absolute emotional overwhelmingness to the point that I often went to isolate myself somewhere to cry my eyes out. This time, I actually within myself remained relatively stable as I observed this mind-program of feeling left out activate within my mind, which also made it a lot easier to then direct the emotional reactions that I would still ever so slightly go into.

So a few days ago the experience came up when I was together with a group of people and there was one girl who went to stand close to another girl to give her a hug. It wasn't like a real 'hug', she was more just with the one side of her body wrapping her arm around the other girl and leaning in to her, while placing her head on the girl's shoulders. Which within my mind I defined as an expression of two beings who are absolutely comfortable with each other, where their embrace is something that is casual and 'natural' and 'flowing'. For instance, the one girl didn't specifically say 'I need a hug' or ask for a hug from the other girl, she just went to stand next to her and in a very natural way, as if the other girl knew and expected that she was going to do that, and embraced her in a casual, nonchalant sisterly fashion.

In that quantum moment, I created a comparison in my mind and a thought went through my mind that 'I don't have that' and 'I can't experience that' and 'I never experience hugs like that'. I mean, there were in fact lots of thoughts going through my mind seemingly all at the same time. Because, what I was simultaneously also thinking, together with 'I don't experience that' and 'nobody ever hugs me like that', was 'nobody feels that comfortable around me', and 'if I tried to do that, then people would not accept it and they would resist me' --- with a general red line running through these thoughts being 'I am so alone'.

The 'I am so alone' point being basically my conclusion from all those previous thoughts that in a quantum moment ran through my mind as I was observing these two women expressing that intimacy with each other. And what is actually fascinating when I have a look at those thoughts of 'nobody ever does that with me' and 'if I tried that, people would resist me and push me away' and 'I never get to experience that intimacy' - and I look for actual examples of those statements, as in real-time events wherein people actually physically pushed me away or rejected me when I approached them,  by looking through my memories, then I cannot actually find any examples and so I cannot find any actual evidence to back up those statements in my mind.

I mean all that I can see and find, is a pattern of this emotional experience of feeling alone that I have been experiencing within myself all throughout my life. I have always only felt alone and within that experience of 'being alone', I 'felt like' other people would reject me or resist me or push me away if I were to approach them. But, I never actually did approach people, so I never actually found out whether or not there was any validity to those statements and beliefs in my mind. And, I also cannot find a real event that happened in my life that may have been an activating point for believing that people will reject me -- meaning an event that happened where I actually was rejected by people and where people did actually resist me, for instance within being bullied or something like that. There was just this seemingly isolated experience inside of myself of being disconnected from the people around me and of being 'alone' within and as myself. And, simultaneously with the feeling of 'being so alone' within myself, I experienced a yearning for connection and intimacy with the people that I saw around me - with my family, with my friends, and with everybody else in this world.

So it looks like this is a sort of 'personality system' that I have accepted to exist within myself as the 'who I am' in my mind, which is basically a structure of specific thoughts, backchat and emotional experiences that I go into in relation to specific situations - which is where it will in a way 'show itself' and 'come out' - and which essentially constantly exists within myself as a 'foundation' of my entire moment-to-moment existence, experience and expression of myself. It's just some specific situations and moments that 'draw it out' to the forefront where I will actually become highly emotional within myself and in those moments is where I fuel and regenerate the personality system within myself so it can continue existing as a constant foundational experience within and as myself.

And this is quite an interesting point to realize for me in relation to how the mind works, in that the thoughts and emotional experiences that I define myself within don't necessarily have a 'purpose' to them and aren't necessarily based on any valid 'reasoning'. As with this personality system of believing and experiencing myself to be 'alone' within myself in relation to people for instance, wherein I cannot find the source point of why and how it is that those thoughts and experiences exist within myself. They just kind of do, because of the simple fact that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with them.

I used to always have this tendency within myself, whenever I discovered a specific personality construct within myself such as this general experience of feeling left out in relation to people, to want to find a 'source' point within my memories. I wanted to find the specific event that occurred in my life that triggered it so that I could 'make sense' of what is happening within myself and so that I could in a way find a 'reasoning' behind why I feel the way I feel and experience myself the way I do. However what I have come to realize about the mind is that it doesn't really have any other purpose to it but to generate energy through thoughts, feelings and emotions, which means that it doesn't need to have a 'logical explanation' behind what it brings up for us to generate the energy it needs - as long as there exist the belief and appearance of a 'reason' behind and 'logic' to how we experience ourselves within and as our mind, enough for us to accept it as ourselves.

So from that perspective it is entirely possible that these seemingly random personality systems exist within ourselves without any particular 'reason', as in memories to back it up - but that the system only exist within and as ourselves because we never questioned it and because we blindly accepted it into our beingness to become a part of who we are.

So to get back to my practical application In that moment where I saw that I reacted emotionally to the image that I was seeing of the one girl hugging the other and the 'intimacy' and 'comfortableness' that I was seeing within that image and in the relationship between these two people - I started applying self-forgiveness in silence within myself. The following is an excerpt of those self-forgiveness statements which I spoke in that moment and which assisted and supported me within stabilizing myself and releasing the emotional experience of feeling left out that I was facing within myself in that moment. And then the next step will be to take on the 'I am so alone' personality system  that I have discovered as the driving force behind the emotional experience and reaction of feeling left out.

 Self-Forgiveness Statements

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with feeling left out to seeing X hugging Y

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from X and Y and from the image that I am seeing with my eyes by reacting to it with emotions instead of remaining stable within myself and not allow what I see with my eyes to move and influence who I am within myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the desire within myself to experience what I am seeing with my eyes because I have assigned a positive value in my mind with the image of two people hugging each other connected with the word friendship

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I am feeling left out as a negative emotional experience within myself in reaction to what I am seeing with my eyes because I have accepted and allowed a desire to exist within myself of being part of and belonging with and experiencing friendship and intimate relationships with other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame X and Y for 'leaving me out' and 'not including me' and so blame them for the emotional experience of feeling left out within myself as how I am reacting to seeing them hugging each other - instead of taking responsibility for the desire within myself to be included and accepted and embraced by other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire experiencing belonging with and being accepted and embraced by other people within and as intimate relationships - and that I have therein created a point of 'lack' within myself as the opposite polarity of feeling left out and alone and rejected

And so I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for myself as the creator of the experience of feeling rejected and left out and alone in relation to specific images that I see in my world and reality of for instance two people hugging - by having accepted and allowed myself to blame X and Y for why it is that I am reacting within myself with feeling left out and alone to seeing them hugging --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that X and Y don't in any way have anything to do with how I react emotionally within myself as my emotional reactions are my own creation due to my accepted and allowed participation in energy within my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately separate myself from the world and reality that I see with my eyes by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the desire to be included and accepted and embraced by others -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that no matter if I am being physically touched or embraced by others and no matter how others behave and express themselves in relation to me - in physical reality I am already existing within and as inclusion and acceptance as I am here in this world and reality as a part of this physical world and reality wherein all that exist is made up of the same matter and substance and we are all one and equal within and as ourselves

And so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from inclusion and acceptance by defining inclusion and acceptance within and as an image of people hugging and touching each other and standing and talking close together -- and that I have therein accepted and allowed myself to create the idea and belief that If I do not have that sort of contact and relationship with people, then I cannot experience inclusion and acceptance --- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that I have essentially created the belief and experience that who I am within and as myself is not already included and accepted and that I must thus long for and desire for inclusion and acceptance, thus creating an experience of lack within myself

I see, realize and understand that I am busy blaming X and Y for me feeling left out and alone within myself while I have created that experience by myself by having participated within positive energy experiences as a desire to 'have' specific  relationships with other people because I have separated myself from acceptance and intimacy by projecting it within specific images and ideas in my mind - and that within that blame I am in fact further separating myself from my own creation and victimising myself to my own emotional reactions

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself inferior to what I am seeing with my eyes by connecting a positive value to the image that I am seeing of two women hugging, by defining that image within and as friendship and by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a desire to experience the positive energy value that I have connected in my mind with the word friendship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my power away to what I am seeing with my eyes by reacting to what I see with thoughts, feelings an emotions - instead of being stable within and as myself within and as the realization and understanding that what I am seeing with my eyes in my world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give my value away to an image that I see with my eyes and an idea of friendship that I have connected with a positive energy value within my mind --- instead of standing within and as self-value in every moment

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the separation that I have accepted and allowed myself to create between what I am seeing with my eyes and who I am within myself by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a desire to experience friendship and to belong --- wherein I have in fact created an experience of lack within myself

Self-Corrective Statements

I see, realize and understand that I am creating this experience of feeling left out and disconnected and separated from what I see with my eyes by myself by having accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as a desire for friendship as specific images in my mind - rather than standing one and equal with my reality that is here and the beings around me in every moment of breath

I see, realize and understand that I am blaming X and Y for my own reactions that I have created within myself  by participating within points of desire and I see, realize and understand that within and as the point of blame I am projecting my responsibility towards my participation in my mind outward

And so I commit myself to take responsibility for myself  and for my creation as the experience of feeling left out by not accepting and allowing myself to participate within desires of being accepted because I see, realize and understand that that is how I am creating the experience of feeling left out within myself

So I stand as the point of responsibility in relation to feeling left out and I commit myself to embrace myself first  and to create a relationship of intimacy and connection with myself first before I go and blame others for not accepting or embracing me

2014: Why do I Always Feel Left Out? - Part 2

This is a continuation in my process of Changing an experience within myself of feeling Left Out when being in groups of people, of which I had laid out a basic 'blueprint' for how this particular experience exists within myself - in terms of what the specific thoughts, backchats and emotional reactions are that constitute the emotional experience within myself of 'feeling left out' while I am standing in or around a group of people. 

In the first instance where I noticed this experience come up within myself, which motivated me to walk this process of changing myself within and as it, I was in the presence of two women. I saw them talking about something amongst each other and I started feeling 'left out' of the conversation and of their little 'group' as how I defined in my mind what I saw with my eyes within and as them standing close together while talking. So, from an observer’s perspective – what was going on in my mind, I was projecting to what I was seeing through my physical eyes. It was interesting noticing this point: how – what I made myself believe I was seeing in my Mind, because of my thoughts and emotions towards seeing them – how I made myself believe that this was ‘how things really were in reality’. Like, they were really this ‘little group’ and I was ‘really not part of it’…not realising how I was creating all of this in my own Mind, especially with thoughts and emotions, then projecting it onto reality.  

Upon investigating the various components as thoughts, feelings and emotional reactions within how and why it was that I was reacting to this situation with 'feeling left out', what I could identify is that this specific experience of emotions as though I 'do not belong' and I am 'standing on the outside' and I am 'disconnected' in relation to what I was seeing as that 'group' of people, specifically women, is that this specific experience was something that I had in fact created myself within and through how I was accepting and allowing myself to move energetically within myself during my day-to-day living.

Within observing how my mind moves in relation to my environment and in relation to myself, I noticed  that I would participate a lot within an experience of desire to 'be accepted' by people and by 'groups' of people and to experience 'connection', 'togetherness' and 'unity' -- which was an experience of excitement every time I thought that 'people like me' and 'people accept me' or 'people want/desire me'. 

I found this to exist in the little things that I do, for instance each time a person asks me to do something for them and I say ‘sure thing’, I am saying it from the starting point of a positive feeling within myself, and in my mind I am subconsciously thinking that ‘if I do this for them, they will like me more’ -  and for that reason I will often also compromise myself within the specific task that they asked me to do, as I am doing it to try and make them happy and not from the starting point of simply doing what needs to be done within the parameters of what makes sense.

 Each time a person smiles at me, I respond with a positive feeling within myself because in my mind I interpret this smile as a sign that this person likes me – and when they are not smiling at me I start to wonder why not and go into an emotional reaction of fear and worry, which then leads to me trying to find ways to make them happy so they would smile at me again and I can feel positive again.

So, what I am doing by constantly accessing and experiencing these small ‘movements’ of energy, each time I go into my thoughts about whether or not a person likes me, is that I am conditioning this mind-set within my subconscious mind wherein I believe that ‘who I am’ is actually not ‘ok’ or ‘acceptable’ – because apparently I must constantly and continuously get the confirmation from the people around me that I am ‘ok’ and ‘acceptable’. So, it’s like every time that I access those kind of thoughts and emotional/feeling reactions, I am in a way making an internal statement that ‘I am not actually good enough as I am’.

And this daily ‘self-conditioning’ of a specific relationship towards myself in my mind wherein I don’t actually accept myself as who I am is what contributes to the moment wherein I go into an experience of ‘feeling left out’ when I am with a group of people, because that experience of being rejected is what I have created within myself by not accepting myself – where now I am basically using this physical situation of being with a group of people to make myself believe that somehow me feeling rejected has got something to do with them while its not like that at all --- what I am experiencing within myself is the relationship that I have created with myself.

In this Part 2 in my process of changing the emotional reaction of feeling left out in relation to being around other people, I am describing and  reporting on the practical application that I have walked after having applied the first step, which was the process of writing out the detail of what I could uncover and see when I investigated how it is that my mind works, in terms of thoughts, feelings and emotional reactions, when I find myself in the specific experience of 'feeling left out' (See Part 1). So then, in Step 2, I would be able to use the insights and realizations that I had accumulated in Step 1 within and as a practical real-time application of Self-Change.

So my Step 2 within this process is how and where I applied self-forgiveness  in Real-Time when I was faced with a physical situation that triggered and activated the specific thoughts, backchat and emotional experiences as I had identified in Step 1 - meaning that, just like the first time when I noticed this mind-construct playing out within myself, the physical situation that served as a trigger-point for the specific mental/emotional play-out in my mind was where I was in the presence of two women who were having a conversation together.

In that particular moment, I noticed that I was going into an emotional experience of feeling left out of the conversation and of the scene that I was seeing with my eyes, which was specifically an experience of fear, inferiority, sadness, self-pity and a form of slight depression, connected with subconscious internal backchat going "they don't see me as part of their conversation", "they are excluding me", "I am not being accepted", "they don't think that I am good enough to be part of their reality", which then transformed into "I am so alone" and "I am less than them".

I mean, in the moment itself, when I look back on it, the most prominent experience was one of sadness and inferiority - the other emotional experiences and the thoughts and backchat connected to those experiences is what I was only able to identify afterwards while looking back with a 'clear view' on what was really going through my mind in that moment. So, this is why it was important and useful to, before going over into practical real-time application, identify the components of the mind-construct that I am dealing with. For instance in this moment where I experienced the sadness and inferiority within myself in reaction to the physical situation that I was seeing, I could, because of the information that I had already accumulated through and within my self-investigative writing, apply self-forgiveness in relation to the subconscious thoughts, backchat and reactions that I was within the physical moment of activation not actually aware of and so I was able to specify my Self-Forgiveness application to target  the entirety of my mental/emotional state.

The Self-Forgiveness statements that I applied in that moment (spoken silently within myself) were specifically:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to seeing X and Y talking to each other with an emotional experience of feeling left out

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that X and Y are excluding me from their conversation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior to X and Y as a reaction to the thought that they are excluding me from their conversation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I am 'less than' and 'low' in relation to and compared with X and Y and the fact that they are sitting there talking to each other and I am standing here alone

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself  that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that I have created this experience of being 'low' and 'inferior' in relation to what I am seeing with my eyes, because I have given my attention and my power away to what I am seeing by creating all sorts of ideas in my mind about X and Y and about the scene that I am seeing with my eyes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create ideas and perceptions about what I am seeing as X and Y having a conversation, by for instance thinking that 'I don't belong with them' and 'I am not a part of this scene' and 'X and Y think that I am not good enough for them' - and therein inferiorize myself within my own thoughts

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the experience of inferiority in relation to X and Y and the scene that I am seeing by blaming X and Y and blaming the situation for apparently 'excluding me' and 'not accepting me'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exclude myself from this event and situation that I am seeing with my eyes by creating ideas and thoughts in my mind about X and Y and about the situation, and therein separate myself from X and Y and from the situation within myself  and thus create the experience of disconnection and exclusion from my world and reality that I am seeing with my eyes

And after having applied these spoken self-forgiveness statements, I spoke Self-Corrective Statements:

Till here and no further - I am Self-Responsibility and I take responsibility for my internal emotional reactions to the scene that I am seeing with my eyes because I see, realize and understand that I am in fact reacting to my own thoughts and ideas and perceptions that I have created within my mind about what I am seeing

So I commit myself to no longer accept or allow myself to give my power away to preprogrammed emotional experiences and reactions to my own interpretations, perceptions and ideas that I have formed in my mind of what I am seeing with my eyes

I commit myself to give myself attention within and as the realization that by reacting emotionally to thoughts about other people that I see with my eyes I am actually distracting myself from who I am within and as my own life and actions

Thus, I stand within and as the point of responsibility within and as my actions and movement within and as my physical world and existence

What I found within applying these tools of spoken self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements is that the reason why this kind of real-time physical application is most effective in manifesting real self-change, is because what I am doing within applying these tools in the moment where I see the actual mind-pattern and mind-construct activate, is that within and as me actually taking that breath and making that decision to stop for a moment, introspect and apply the self-directive action of speaking the words of self-forgiveness and self-correction -- I am standing up within myself in that one moment and I am making a statement of 'Who I am' in relation to this mind-pattern/mind-construct that is activating.

Because, what I realized about why it is that the mind can have power over me in such instances where preprogrammed  emotional reactions to thoughts are activated and triggered is that as long as I remain passive within myself in relation to seeing and observing these mind-programs playing out within myself, the programs will simply run its course without any 'interference' and I will for instance remain stuck in a specific emotional experience and/or multiple variating emotional reactions and experiences for a substantial amount of time. And, consequentially I may even be driven by these emotional experiences to do things and make decisions in my world and reality and my relationships with others that are not what is best for myself or my environment - because, by not standing up within myself in the first initial moment where I saw them come up within myself, I had essentially made the statement within myself that I believe that these thoughts and emotional reactions coming up with me are 'who I really am' and that thus the self-compromising decisions that I make and actions that I take as driven by the emotional reactions are also 'who I really am'.

Whereas, if I actively push myself to stop myself from actually following, going into and fuelling the mind-program that is activating in that moment by for instance physically speaking self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements in the moment - I am essentially moving myself in real-time to correct the relationship to this specific mind-pattern that I have created within myself over time and I therein thus actually manifest and create real-live change that I can see, observe and monitor within myself simply by the fact that I am no longer accepting and allowing myself to go into a timeloop of repeating the same internal reaction to an external trigger- and activation-point.

So, in terms of my experience within this specific application in relation to the emotional reaction and experience of 'feeling left out' - what I found is that, as I was applying the self-forgiveness and self-correction, I did see the emotional experience become less intense as I established a point of stability within myself through applying self-forgiveness and therein basically standing up within and as a point of self-responsibility. Though, what I also saw in that moment is that there was still a slight resonance of this specific mind-construct present within myself wherein I felt as though the points that I was addressing within my self-forgiveness statements were not specific enough to get to the actual core of how this emotional pattern of 'feeling left out' exists within and as my mind.

This thus implies that in the next Step, I will be investigating what this resonant experience consists of and exists as, so that I can more concisely understand who I am within and as it and thus am more able to take responsibility for its existence within myself and thus change myself within and as it -- because, what I realized within walking the process of self-change is that, the more I understand the Problem of for instance how my mind works and reacts to specific situations, the more I am able to find workable solutions in terms of how to actually practically and realistically change and correct the problems within and as Myself. 

2013 Why Do I Always Feel Left Out?

Why Do I Always Feel Left Out?

Changing Feeling Left Out in Real-Time 

In this blog I am starting a New Journey within walking my process of structured Self-Change, through and with applying the Tools of Writing, Self-Forgiveness, and Self-Correction - in a similar fashion as I have already been walking a Process of Changing a Fear Reaction towards A Person in Real-Time, which you can find Here and which I have found to be quite an effective approach to actual self-change -- this because of it's structured step-by-step design that provides a 'platform' within using the tools of writing, self-forgiveness and self-correction - and that, I find, gives the mind less 'freedom' to sabotage this process with preprogrammed structures/patterns of thoughts and energies to direct and guide me away from the process that I had set out for myself to walk.

This New Journey opened up in a moment where I found myself feeling overwhelmed by emotional experiences, to the point of physically starting to cry, triggered by a specific pattern of backchat that came up in my mind and that I had been investigating within my writing and applying self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements for - and of which i thought, or rather hoped, that I had stopped it never to return again. And here it was coming up in my mind as these automatic backchats and reactions that i saw myself accessing - and while i was witnessing myself going into it, i simultaneously thought 'no, i have walked this point, why is this still coming up - this isn't me!'. Then while i was trying to stabilize myself  and breathe through it, up came the tears, which has also been part of this specific program that i have accepted and allowed myself to integrate within my mind and physical body as a reactive pattern to a specific situation - so, it was like the program was just running itself, playing out within my mind and physical experience and expression, and i was standing on the sideline within myself watching it happen, feeling absolutely powerless towards what is going on within my own mind and physical body.

Then, when i came to the conclusion within my mind that 'this pattern is STILL here' - the thought- and emotional pattern changed/transformed into a pattern of self-defeat and a 'giving up' --- wherein, it felt as though all this time, i had been walking around trying to 'keep it together', trying to 'be stable', fighting and battling backchat and energies that are coming up within my mind -- and now in this one moment i couldn't anymore and i just 'gave up' on all of it, on process, on myself, because, according to my thoughts 'i can't do this' and 'i'll never be able to do this'. But I mean, this is a structure of backchat, energy and behavior that my mind is coming up with and that can influence and direct me only because i have given my mind the freedom to do that - because i have not stood as my own structure and platform within the process of self-change that i am walking. I had not given myself structure - all I did was apply the tools here and there and hoped that it would 'just go away' -- but i haven't actually walked a real practical structured process wherein I stand as the directive principle and where I create the Change within and as myself, I make the change happen by giving myself structure and direction --- in the same way that the mind has been deciding who i am through giving me a specific structure and direction (that isn't necessarily what is best for me).

Thus, the emotional reaction of giving up to the activation of this specific construct and program within my mind, showed me that i have been accepting and allowing energy to accumulate within and as this construct/program to the point where i am now feeling completely powerless in relation to it --- and thus also showing that i had in fact not been applying myself from the starting point of actually changing myself within and as this specific construct/program of the mind - because i did not walk a consistent process of self-investigation, self-forgiveness and self-correction as a real, practical application of self-directed and self-willed self-change.

Thus, the first step within this process of practically and realistically changing this construct/program within and of the mind that i am dealing with here, is to investigate, define and lay out the 'technical/structural details' of how it works and functions within and as my mind.

Here, upon investigating what it was that activated and came up in my mind when looking back within my memories at the moment that triggered the specific construct/program - what i found, was that i was seeing a specific image/scene play out within my environment, wherein i saw one woman approaching another woman and i observed how they started to talk about things among the two of them -- in response to which then within my mind, specific thoughts popped up that went along the lines of:

"I am being excluded from their conversation"
"they are talking amongst themselves and i am not a part of that"
"they probably don't want me to be part of their conversation"

To which then within myself, I reacted within an energetic experience of inferiority and loneliness -- after which, this specific backchat ran through my mind that said:

"other people are always together and i am always alone"
"why can't i also have and experience that togetherness that they have"
"Why do I never get that kind of attention"
"Why can't I ever get what I want"

Attached to these specific backchat statements were emotional experiences of anger and despair. And from this experience of Anger, which was essentially an experience of powerlessness, and despair - I eventually went into the physical act of crying, essentially within my mind going "poor me, it's so sad that this is happening to me", "I am such a victim to these thoughts and experiences within myself" -- wherein i am in fact stating that i am giving my power away to this specific program and construct of thoughts, backchat and emotional reactions within and as my mind, by defining myself within and as this 'character' of 'the victim' and the emotional experience of self-pity.

Having now identified the components within and of this specific experience as the thoughts, backchat and emotional reactions that came up within myself as a response to a specific event in my world and reality - I then had a look at how this specific backchat of 'feeling left out' and 'feeling alone', connected with a negative energetic experience of inferiority, sadness and anger, exists as the negative polarity point within a specific construct and program that i have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within in my mind. I thus investigated where in myself in relation to my world and reality i am in fact defining myself within and as the positive polarity in which i am generating positive energy within myself in relation to specific thoughts and backchat in my mind pertaining my relationship with the people in my world and reality.

And what i found was that what i have accepted and allowed to exist within my mind is an energetic polarity construct/program/system wherein, on the one hand, i am generating a lot of positive energy through thinking about and imagining and desiring a specific relationship, wherein i have basically projected experiences of affection, love, acceptance, intimacy and closeness that i believe to be lacking in my relationships with other people in my world and reality. However, within this, what I realized is that, how this polarity is set up - where on the one hand i feel and experience absolute separation between myself and the people in my world and reality, and on the other hand i desire absolute togetherness, connection and unity within this specific image in my mind of for instance being in a relationship with a partner, kissing, hugging, going out together and having sex - is that it is like i have taken all of my 'resources', and i have placed and channeled all of 'who i am' within this desire to have and experience being in a relationship, having a partner -- and experiencing that specific image in my imagination, which i have defined within ideas and experiences of 'intimacy', 'affection', 'love' and 'acceptance', and have been entertaining in my mind through the generation of lots of positive energy - because that is what has basically been running in the background in my mind, as my 'secret desire' that i am actually constantly - consciously and/or subconsciously - preoccupied with.

So, by placing all this value within this onedimensional image within my mind of having a specific relationship with a specific person, i have essentially 'de-valued' all of the other people in my immediate physical environment and my relationships with them - as i am not actually getting to know them and i am not actually really interested in them -- all that i am really interested in is that one person/individual in my imagination that i desire having a specific relationship with, so that i can experience all of those positive feelings and experiences that i have connected with that image within myself.

Then consequentially i will experience a 'separation' and a 'disconnection' within myself between myself and the people that i see in my immediate physical environment, and i will feel 'lonely' within myself - because in fact i have not given any real attention or made any real effort to 'connect' or communicate with them. Within this, interestingly enough, i will also not recognize or see the 'affection', 'togetherness', 'love' or 'acceptance' that potentially exists within those real physical connections and relationships with the people in my physical environment that is in fact right here in front of me - because i am looking and searching for 'affection', 'love' and 'acceptance' somewhere in an image in my mind, where i believe that 'affection/love/acceptance' means 'to be held by a partner in a romantic way' or 'to kiss passionately' or 'to lie in bed naked together' or 'to look deep in each others eyes and say "I love you darling"' -- wherein i have created this idea within my mind that 'affection can only be experienced in that specific way', not realizing that within this idea i am in fact completely separating myself from ever being able to see and realize the affection/love/togetherness/acceptance that is already Here, within the simple physical relationships with the people in my immediate environment.

This is thus the basic layout and 'technical properties' of this specific construct that is the foundational platform for this emotional experience within myself of 'feeling left out' and 'feeling alone, lonely and rejected' when being in a group of people - where, as i can see within my writings, this specific emotional experience is part of a 'construct'/'program' within my mind wherein various points hold each other in place -- such as the desire for a positive experience of affection, love and connection within and as a specific image in my mind, holds in place the negative experience within myself of feeling lonely, left out and rejected in relation to the people in my immediate physical environment.


This was then the first step/phase in this step-by-step process/program that i am walking of actual practical self-change within and as a specific emotional experience and energetic construct and preprogrammed pattern that i have identified within myself to be in fact an obstacle within my day to day living and interaction with my environment --- wherein i have in fact been sabotaging myself within my potential and ability to express and expand myself within and through my interaction and communication with my direct physical world and reality.

In the next blog i will be looking at how to apply the next step/phase within this process of taking the concept of 'change' in relation to this specific construct and program within my mind into practical application.